It just began to rain outside...
I was sifting through some old boxes today and I found some things from Marysa. Like an idiot, I read them all the way through.
I know I've talked about her a lot to you, my friends, and I've tried to delineate just how severe the situation was/is. Now, I have some evidence to really bring it home.
Here's an excerpt from a poem:
You've won
You've cracked him
How much further can you go
I would lay down my life
To see him smile
I would take all the pain
And suffocate myself
If life is worth living
I can't live without him
But this is the real revelation: A letter she wrote, which according to memory and specific references within, couldn't have been written more than a month before we broke up.
"I miss you, baby. I miss you sooooo much. It hurts, but I'm trying not to let it by keeping myself busy.
"I love you. I love everything about you. From head to toe you are perfect. I know you hate yourself and think you don't deserve me, but in the near future you BEST RECOGNIZE that you do. I love your compassion, integrity, kind heart, and honesty. I love seeing you laugh so hard that your voice goes to a high pitch and you hit the wall. Your eyes squint so tightly together that I can tell you are picturing it. I love your smile! Ask anyone and they will all say they love it. I know all those girls that liked/like you, love that. Guaranteed. Even Zandra says she loves your smile. But it's mine! Yay! You're mine! I'm soo happy that you are. Don't fall in love with anyone else, because that wouldn't be cool. I miss your illustrated arms, baby. When you hug me it's so sincere. I love your spikey, blond hair and how you always have to fix it after I touch it. ... Your kisses! OOOHHH your kisses! Haha. They make me so relaxed and content. It makes me weak in the knees. I wish I could see you happy all the time. The way you looked at me that one weekend is what I want to see everytime I see your face. I strive to see that rare look. It doesn't work a lot of the time, but when it does it's beautiful. It is worth the effort I put forth.
"Baby, I am in love with you and hope to be forever. I know this college thing is something we need to talk about and I hope to soon. ... I am madly and utterly in love with you. I can't help but think of you! It's a graet thing to think about, but I soon realize how much I miss you! I don't ever want us to break up."
I can't get my head around the fact that this is the same girl who plainly and emotionlessly said "I don't have feelings for you anymore" over the phone to me. How "I don't ever want us to break up" turned into "I still love you, but I think just as a friend" and "I'm falling for Jake." How "from head to toe you are perfect" turned into "Jake seems like the perfect guy... You're kind of not." How "I can't help but think of you" turned into an IM every four or five months, and an obligatory text message at 11:50 PM on my birthday.
How the girl who wrote "I would take all the pain / And suffocate myself" became the greatest source of my pain... the one who broke the last legs out from under me and turned me into the brooding, lonely, misanthropic puddle of disillusionment I am today.
The funny thing about that is, when this all began to happen, I couldn't get my head around the girl I knew now changing so drastically. Funny how paradigms shift. I can't even remember what it was like to feel that way toward her, and to feel it back from her. It's an alien thought.
I've often said, and I definitely mean it, that I do not miss her in the sense that I'm still in love with her. If she wanted me back tomorrow, I think I would laugh. The thing that keeps me holding onto that part of my life is the fact that when she left, she took so much of me with her. She took my ability to trust, my ability to hope. And she took my ability to feel like I was worth anything to the opposite sex. She buttered me up with her poems and her letters and her words and her kisses and then she set me on fire and left me to burn. She changed me from the happiest man alive, to the most hollowed out and broken soul I've ever known.
I don't answer her e-mails or her IMs. I don't contact her myself. It's not that I hate her. I just can't talk to her. I can't be reminded any more of this---I already think about it every single day.
I know I've talked about her a lot to you, my friends, and I've tried to delineate just how severe the situation was/is. Now, I have some evidence to really bring it home.
Here's an excerpt from a poem:
You've won
You've cracked him
How much further can you go
I would lay down my life
To see him smile
I would take all the pain
And suffocate myself
If life is worth living
I can't live without him
But this is the real revelation: A letter she wrote, which according to memory and specific references within, couldn't have been written more than a month before we broke up.
"I miss you, baby. I miss you sooooo much. It hurts, but I'm trying not to let it by keeping myself busy.
"I love you. I love everything about you. From head to toe you are perfect. I know you hate yourself and think you don't deserve me, but in the near future you BEST RECOGNIZE that you do. I love your compassion, integrity, kind heart, and honesty. I love seeing you laugh so hard that your voice goes to a high pitch and you hit the wall. Your eyes squint so tightly together that I can tell you are picturing it. I love your smile! Ask anyone and they will all say they love it. I know all those girls that liked/like you, love that. Guaranteed. Even Zandra says she loves your smile. But it's mine! Yay! You're mine! I'm soo happy that you are. Don't fall in love with anyone else, because that wouldn't be cool. I miss your illustrated arms, baby. When you hug me it's so sincere. I love your spikey, blond hair and how you always have to fix it after I touch it. ... Your kisses! OOOHHH your kisses! Haha. They make me so relaxed and content. It makes me weak in the knees. I wish I could see you happy all the time. The way you looked at me that one weekend is what I want to see everytime I see your face. I strive to see that rare look. It doesn't work a lot of the time, but when it does it's beautiful. It is worth the effort I put forth.
"Baby, I am in love with you and hope to be forever. I know this college thing is something we need to talk about and I hope to soon. ... I am madly and utterly in love with you. I can't help but think of you! It's a graet thing to think about, but I soon realize how much I miss you! I don't ever want us to break up."
I can't get my head around the fact that this is the same girl who plainly and emotionlessly said "I don't have feelings for you anymore" over the phone to me. How "I don't ever want us to break up" turned into "I still love you, but I think just as a friend" and "I'm falling for Jake." How "from head to toe you are perfect" turned into "Jake seems like the perfect guy... You're kind of not." How "I can't help but think of you" turned into an IM every four or five months, and an obligatory text message at 11:50 PM on my birthday.
How the girl who wrote "I would take all the pain / And suffocate myself" became the greatest source of my pain... the one who broke the last legs out from under me and turned me into the brooding, lonely, misanthropic puddle of disillusionment I am today.
The funny thing about that is, when this all began to happen, I couldn't get my head around the girl I knew now changing so drastically. Funny how paradigms shift. I can't even remember what it was like to feel that way toward her, and to feel it back from her. It's an alien thought.
I've often said, and I definitely mean it, that I do not miss her in the sense that I'm still in love with her. If she wanted me back tomorrow, I think I would laugh. The thing that keeps me holding onto that part of my life is the fact that when she left, she took so much of me with her. She took my ability to trust, my ability to hope. And she took my ability to feel like I was worth anything to the opposite sex. She buttered me up with her poems and her letters and her words and her kisses and then she set me on fire and left me to burn. She changed me from the happiest man alive, to the most hollowed out and broken soul I've ever known.
I don't answer her e-mails or her IMs. I don't contact her myself. It's not that I hate her. I just can't talk to her. I can't be reminded any more of this---I already think about it every single day.