The Only Exception
Title: The Only Exception
Pairing: Ginny/Luna
Rating: G
Word Count: ~2000
Summary: Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul, that love never lasts, and we've got to find other ways to make it alone or keep a straight face.
Note: Written to Paramore's The Only Exception. And this, like many others, is for avaklane
It’s impossible for me to feel like this.
People I have loved in this life have been killed by people I have killed, people my mother has killed. Their deaths make me heave with sorrow and regret-I regret not telling my brother that I loved him every single day before he was murdered, I regret not knowing Tonks when I was young. She was the closest thing to a big sister I would ever be able to have. I wept over the fallen that I didn’t even know, wept because their families and their brothers, their sisters felt my very same pain. The world was an equal place then.
I wept because my mother wept, wept because what else could I do in her presence? She was my comfort, my shirt sleeve to wipe my cheek with, but then everything changed and I was to be her mother for a little while. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be strong for her. I needed her so much but did she ever know how hard I tried just to make it better? I tried so hard.
She tried to fix everything when she was done crying, my mother, but none of it worked. She couldn’t cook biscuits because there weren’t enough people to eat all of them-the twins could always make such an impact together but now? Fred didn’t have the energy to crawl out of bed most days, and while all of us knew George would make a joke and say he wasn’t worth all the mourning, we couldn’t move away from him. My mother couldn’t fix the empty space in the bench, or the hand on the clock that never moved. She couldn’t fix the death of my brother.
when I was younger I saw my daddy cry
and curse at the wind.
he broke his own heart and I watched
as he tried to reassemble it.
I was told I was the soul mate of someone who I thought I loved-no, I did love him. I loved him then, and he was my everything. I couldn’t function properly without him; our relationship was so unhealthy and so incredibly demanding at the same time. We were supposed to be together, weren’t we? Because I had been in love with him for so long, and he had realized that I was always there waiting. But I couldn’t do without him, because he kept me together when I thought I was going to fall apart.
And then he broke my heart and I suppose none of his promises mattered because we weren’t going to get married or go through training together or have children or anything. We were going to be friends, and I couldn’t have that. I needed him, more of him-all of him had to be mine. But it wasn’t, he wasn’t; he didn’t want me again.
I claimed that love wasn’t real then, because love wouldn’t make me so miserable when I wasn’t near him. Love wouldn’t make me remember all the horrible things he ever said to me, and love wouldn’t make me want to hate him. Love wouldn’t make me unhappy-but love would be the death of me, and that was the only true thing left.
I was tearing myself apart just for the chance to be with him again when you came along.
and my momma swore that she would
never let herself forget.
and that was the day that I promised
that I would never sing of love if it does not exist.
I told myself that I would never hurt like that again. I would never give my heart to anyone else. No one else would be able to take care of me; no one else was allowed inside. But you came along and how did you change everything? How did you change me?
I don’t know what you did to make me feel again. I was stuck in the dream of him when you were stuck in the dream of me. We were all dreaming then. Was it the mere fact that you were in love with me without even trying? Was it that you found all the possible beauty in me and you didn’t hide that you knew all the tender spots at the same time? Was it that you were so honest with me?
How did you put me back together? You just spent evenings with me, cooking dinner for me when I had finally moved out of my mother’s home. You knew, somehow, that I couldn’t take care of myself. You sat crossed legged on my sofa and talked to me, made me laugh, kissed my hand in a way that made me think you didn’t expect it back. You stayed up all night with me and didn’t even try to kiss my lips, because you still knew that I was his, and I couldn’t change that no matter how hard I was going to try.
But even then, when I kept you awake until the small hours of the morning, I promised you that we could try, and you smiled and just slept next to me for a few hours before it was time for you to leave. And I was left to remember.
but darling,
you are the only exception
I don’t know why I told you we could try, because we can’t stay together forever. I have to move on at some point, and right now you’re just one of those things that I need, like a medicine I’m taking to get over an injury (I suppose that’s exactly what you are). One day, I’ll wean from you and I hope you’ll be able to wean from me, because I don’t want to leave you with nothing. I still want to be around for you.
But I still want to be your everything.
Right now (and you focus on that: right now), you have me, and I’m yours. You’re mine, and sometimes I get the feeling that you always will be. But I have to keep myself from thinking that because you can’t be mine forever. The world just can’t work like that.
I have to leave someday to train, to get back on a broom and be the best Chaser that the Holyhead Harpies has ever seen. I can’t hold you down, not when I’m trying to set you free. You’re going to have to move on.
Sometimes I wonder if my love for you will be everlasting and I have to tell myself that it won’t, because nothing is everlasting (except maybe honey). And I know if I asked you if your love for me was everlasting, you would probably smile and say, “Yes,” because you’ve always seemed so sure about love. Why are you so sure? (To that, you’d say, “Because it’s real,” and I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from thinking that, for a moment, we would be everlasting.)
maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul,
that love never lasts,
and we’ve got to find other ways to make it alone,
or keep a straight face.
When he broke me so long ago (and maybe I was already broken, I suppose I can’t properly say), and I promised myself that I would be nothing to everyone for the rest of time, I didn’t think that maybe I wouldn’t be the one that would have to love. Maybe someone would love me instead.
That’s precisely what you did when you found me.
I had accepted that maybe we, as people, can love for a short time of our lives. We’re given just a little stretch of time, of kisses and late nights and helpless laughter with someone who has you (your heart, mind, body, soul). And then it’s gone because nothing good can last forever. We’re people, and we don’t deserve something as good as that.
Why do you have the ability to disregard that rule? How can you make me forget that love doesn’t last forever, and how can you make me feel like I will only ever be able to feel things for you? How are you doing this to me?
I was going to be so content with living alone, without him or anyone, because I would be the only person capable of hurting me. But then you showed up and you changed everything, and I still have no idea what to do about it. I just want you to be happy with me.
and I’ve always lived like this,
keeping it comfortable, distance.
and up until now I’d sworn to myself
that I’m content with loneliness
It was never worth it to throw myself at someone else again-and even when you told me that it wouldn’t matter if I fell back on him, I knew I didn’t want to. You didn’t deserve that, but he and I didn’t deserve that more. You couldn’t love me with any boundaries if I couldn’t even make you a promise. I tried so hard to move on.
I didn’t want to go into you knowing that I would one day break your heart. I didn’t want to go into you knowing that I one day I would break my heart. Separating from you is a common fear that we both share, and it’s something that at the moment, you don’t have to worry about. We still have time, and that is the one thing that I will be able to promise you for a little while more.
But Luna, you’re the only exception.
because none of it was ever worth the risk.
but darling,
you are the only exception
Even though you and I both know that one day we’re going to part ways (and you’ll still be writing fascinating articles on lord knows what, and I’ll still be flying in circles in attempt to forget about you), we still keep pushing forward. I don’t know why. Maybe because I’m determined to live every day like it should be lived ever since people I have loved were killed, and I realized that no day is worth wasting.
Every day I spend with you is never a day worth wasting.
Kissing you and holding you, touching you, being near you is never waste of my day. The time I spend talking to you and listening to your stories is never time I regret, because you are my moment. You are my present, and while you know my past and won’t be part of my future, you seem to want me now. You can have me.
But we’ll still leave each other with all the letters we ever wrote each other. We’ll still have the memories of the mornings and nights we shared, of the stolen kisses in public places. We’ll still know what you went through to be with me, and we’ll still know what I went through to be with you. We’ll know what battles we faced when we weren’t even trying to fight. We’ll still have each other, in some kind of odd way, just like I will always have the back of my mind. We’ll always be around.
I’ve got a tight grip on reality,
but I can’t let go of what’s in front of me here.
I know you’re leaving in the morning when you wake up.
leave me with some kind of proof it’s not a dream.
You make me believe that love can be again. It’s true even after all the things that I thought it was (and none of those things were true), even after the deaths I have faced and the breaking of my heart. I have put so much faith in people, and they have all let me down. And how you have managed to care for me in this way and help me put myself together again, I will never be able to understand.
But know that I am grateful, and that nothing is ever a waste just because it’s gone.
you are the only exception.
and I’m on my way to believing