Jokey Thursday!
A Somali arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia. He
stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you
Mr. Australian for letting me in this country!" But the passer-by
says "You are mistaken, I am from Ireland.
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for
having such a beautiful country here in Australia. The person says "I
no Australian, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he
stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Australia.
That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iraq, I am not an
Australian.
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an
Australian "? She says, "No, I am from New Zealand.
So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Australians?"
The New Zealand lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says..."Probably at
work."
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to
a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual
harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget"
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They
were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the
actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of
humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
how do the plants grow? UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perthto Sydney- can I follow the railroad
tracks? Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? Sweden) A: So
it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and HerveyBay? (! UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? UK) A: Why? Just use your
fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK) !
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydneyand is milk available all year
round? Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australiawho can dispense
rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia? USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmaniawhere the female population
is smaller than the male population? Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australiain 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in
Australia, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a
few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months
to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40
nights".
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping
in his yard.... but no ark.
"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed.
I needed a building permit.
I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws
by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had
to go
to VCAT for a decision.
Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear
the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be
coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights
group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel
and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd
conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have
to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming
I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years
for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked,"You mean, You're not
going to destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
I managed to lock Charlotte and myself out of the house yesterday evening. 5pm I decided it was a great time to go for a walk and get some fresh air. The half hour walk was lovely, but I was ready to go inside and have a drink and prepare dinner. I however had only taken the car keys with me and not the house keys. Bollocks!
My charming cousin has taken to not coming home lately, so no chance she'd be letting me in anytime soon and Addy was working late. Double Bollocks!
Waiting in the front yard, watching the sun go down as Char enjoys running around in the grass. Bitten by an ant. Renewed hatred of grass and insects.
A guy in a truck arrives at the work site next door. I eagerly eye off his phone.
Patiently wait a little longer, then dive at the man, "Do you know the time" I innocently ask...."6pm" he replies.
"Oh dear" I state "I've locked myself out of the house you see and I don't know when anyone will be home to let me in"......
"Would you like to use my phone to call someone?"
"Oh really, would that be ok?"
heh
Renewed faith in humanity.
Addy won't be home for an hour.
Bollocks again.
It's getting dark, so the kind gentleman helps me climb the fence and passes Char over to me.
We spend the next hour in the deepening dark of the back yard, Char painting on anything and everything (Thank heavens for the paints and the boxes!!) and eventually Addy comes home and rescues us.
Stupid excerise and fresh air, it's all bollocks!
stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you
Mr. Australian for letting me in this country!" But the passer-by
says "You are mistaken, I am from Ireland.
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for
having such a beautiful country here in Australia. The person says "I
no Australian, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he
stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Australia.
That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iraq, I am not an
Australian.
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an
Australian "? She says, "No, I am from New Zealand.
So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Australians?"
The New Zealand lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says..."Probably at
work."
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to
a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual
harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget"
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They
were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the
actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of
humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
how do the plants grow? UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perthto Sydney- can I follow the railroad
tracks? Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? Sweden) A: So
it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and HerveyBay? (! UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? UK) A: Why? Just use your
fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK) !
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydneyand is milk available all year
round? Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australiawho can dispense
rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia? USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmaniawhere the female population
is smaller than the male population? Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australiain 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in
Australia, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a
few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months
to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40
nights".
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping
in his yard.... but no ark.
"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed.
I needed a building permit.
I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws
by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had
to go
to VCAT for a decision.
Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear
the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be
coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights
group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel
and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd
conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have
to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming
I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years
for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked,"You mean, You're not
going to destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
I managed to lock Charlotte and myself out of the house yesterday evening. 5pm I decided it was a great time to go for a walk and get some fresh air. The half hour walk was lovely, but I was ready to go inside and have a drink and prepare dinner. I however had only taken the car keys with me and not the house keys. Bollocks!
My charming cousin has taken to not coming home lately, so no chance she'd be letting me in anytime soon and Addy was working late. Double Bollocks!
Waiting in the front yard, watching the sun go down as Char enjoys running around in the grass. Bitten by an ant. Renewed hatred of grass and insects.
A guy in a truck arrives at the work site next door. I eagerly eye off his phone.
Patiently wait a little longer, then dive at the man, "Do you know the time" I innocently ask...."6pm" he replies.
"Oh dear" I state "I've locked myself out of the house you see and I don't know when anyone will be home to let me in"......
"Would you like to use my phone to call someone?"
"Oh really, would that be ok?"
heh
Renewed faith in humanity.
Addy won't be home for an hour.
Bollocks again.
It's getting dark, so the kind gentleman helps me climb the fence and passes Char over to me.
We spend the next hour in the deepening dark of the back yard, Char painting on anything and everything (Thank heavens for the paints and the boxes!!) and eventually Addy comes home and rescues us.
Stupid excerise and fresh air, it's all bollocks!