Neon Genesis Evangelion: Kill the Messenger
Okay, this is the story I said I was going to post in my entry last night. I'm reasonably sure that I wrote it sometime in the latter half of 2003, but beyond that I can't say, since I didn't date everything back then. It's the first fanfic I wrote that I should have posted back then. I didn't because of some particularly nasty emotional issues that I have only recently started getting over. That, however, is neither here nor there. I'm posting it now. More to the point, I'm posting it exactly as it would have been seen back then. The text of the story is unchanged, even though it's not quite up to my current standards, and I've left the original author's notes intact. So, that's what you'll see after the usual fic stats. Main fic index is here.
Title: Kill the Messenger
Word Count: 575
Rating: PG
Obligatory Disclaimer: I have no blinking clue who owns Evangelion, but I assure you, it's not me.
Summary: Shinji thinks about what he's done and what is ahead during a synch test.
Notes: Yes, more than the original author's notes are necessary here. I've got the angels' names inserted throughout the text. Don't look for a pattern in their placement--there isn't one. I seem to recall one of the few people who've seen this mentioning that.
Okay, a few notes before this one are going to be necessary if it is going to make any sense whatsoever. First, this is a peek inside Shinji’s head during one of those innumerable synch tests they had during the series, but before the Fourth Child storyline. It takes a short trip outside his head for a bit toward the end, but the last line is again spoken by Shinji. Also, I didn’t include Adam, Lillith or Yrouel in the names of the Angels that Shinji remembers because he had no role, no matter how minor, in their defeat. None. He’s partially talking to himself and partially to his father.
I remember. I learned all their names.
Sachiel.
Not the people, though I’m sorry they died. I wish they hadn’t, that I’d been better or faster or whatever I needed to be and wasn’t. I mean the Angels. They’re still with me. I see them every night in my dreams. Sometimes I don’t know why I even sleep.
Shamshiel.
Every one of them that died-every one that I killed. Savior of humanity, protector of mankind, last bastion against those who would destroy us, whatever you have to call it to help you sleep at night.
Ramiel.
It’s all bullshit. We’re butchers. I’m a murderer. They were alive and now they’re dead and I’m a part of that. I will never forgive NERV. I will never forgive my father. I will never forgive the Angels.
Gaghiel.
I will never forgive myself.
Israfel.
The Eva screams, did you know that?
Sandalphon.
Every time we kill one of the Angels, the Eva screams. It’s a terrifying sound. Deep and primal and unrestrained and powerful-oh, God, the power. You have no idea what the Evas are capable of, you really don’t. I could get lost in that power so easily if not for-
If not for the rage.
Matariel.
This is what keeps me human, what holds me back when the Eva calls my name in that voice that I can never quite hear. This is the barrier between pilot and partner. Between Shinji Ikari and Eva Unit 01 the Nameless. Because I don’t know who the Eva is angry at. When that horrible scream echoes through my body and my vision goes red and all I can smell is the blood on my hands, I feel that rage and I remember.
Sahaqiel.
I remember Eva’s hand can destroy as well as protect. I remember that I don’t know why it picked me. I remember that I don’t know why it saved me that first day. I remember that, unlike the Angels, Eva has no true name and it knows and resents this. But most of all, I remember the one thing that none of you will admit: NERV may have created the Eva, but that does not mean that any of us truly know it. Not even me.
Leliel.
I feel the possibilities, the potential of all that Eva has to offer, lurking just beyond the scope of my vision in my mind’s eye. And I smile inside, because I know that when the end comes, it will not be because you ordered it. I pray that I will be able to see the look on your face when you realize that.
Ritsuko’s voice intruded on the silence of the test plug. “Shinji? Are you listening?” Startled, he opened his eyes before he could pull over them his customary mask of emptiness. Just as quickly, he remembered the cockpit video recorders and schooled his expression. Nonetheless, it was just a fraction of a second too late. Ritsuko had seen past the shy, quiet Shinji to the Eva pilot that lay just beneath-like a thin curtain of light parting to reveal an unfathomable well of darkness. When she spoke again, her voice shook. “Th-that’s all for today, Shinji. The test is over. You can go.” His expression is (thankfully?) unreadable as he replies. “Yes ma’am.”
And on that day-the last day-when the Eva gives voice to its fury, I will scream with it.
Evangelion.
Title: Kill the Messenger
Word Count: 575
Rating: PG
Obligatory Disclaimer: I have no blinking clue who owns Evangelion, but I assure you, it's not me.
Summary: Shinji thinks about what he's done and what is ahead during a synch test.
Notes: Yes, more than the original author's notes are necessary here. I've got the angels' names inserted throughout the text. Don't look for a pattern in their placement--there isn't one. I seem to recall one of the few people who've seen this mentioning that.
Okay, a few notes before this one are going to be necessary if it is going to make any sense whatsoever. First, this is a peek inside Shinji’s head during one of those innumerable synch tests they had during the series, but before the Fourth Child storyline. It takes a short trip outside his head for a bit toward the end, but the last line is again spoken by Shinji. Also, I didn’t include Adam, Lillith or Yrouel in the names of the Angels that Shinji remembers because he had no role, no matter how minor, in their defeat. None. He’s partially talking to himself and partially to his father.
I remember. I learned all their names.
Sachiel.
Not the people, though I’m sorry they died. I wish they hadn’t, that I’d been better or faster or whatever I needed to be and wasn’t. I mean the Angels. They’re still with me. I see them every night in my dreams. Sometimes I don’t know why I even sleep.
Shamshiel.
Every one of them that died-every one that I killed. Savior of humanity, protector of mankind, last bastion against those who would destroy us, whatever you have to call it to help you sleep at night.
Ramiel.
It’s all bullshit. We’re butchers. I’m a murderer. They were alive and now they’re dead and I’m a part of that. I will never forgive NERV. I will never forgive my father. I will never forgive the Angels.
Gaghiel.
I will never forgive myself.
Israfel.
The Eva screams, did you know that?
Sandalphon.
Every time we kill one of the Angels, the Eva screams. It’s a terrifying sound. Deep and primal and unrestrained and powerful-oh, God, the power. You have no idea what the Evas are capable of, you really don’t. I could get lost in that power so easily if not for-
If not for the rage.
Matariel.
This is what keeps me human, what holds me back when the Eva calls my name in that voice that I can never quite hear. This is the barrier between pilot and partner. Between Shinji Ikari and Eva Unit 01 the Nameless. Because I don’t know who the Eva is angry at. When that horrible scream echoes through my body and my vision goes red and all I can smell is the blood on my hands, I feel that rage and I remember.
Sahaqiel.
I remember Eva’s hand can destroy as well as protect. I remember that I don’t know why it picked me. I remember that I don’t know why it saved me that first day. I remember that, unlike the Angels, Eva has no true name and it knows and resents this. But most of all, I remember the one thing that none of you will admit: NERV may have created the Eva, but that does not mean that any of us truly know it. Not even me.
Leliel.
I feel the possibilities, the potential of all that Eva has to offer, lurking just beyond the scope of my vision in my mind’s eye. And I smile inside, because I know that when the end comes, it will not be because you ordered it. I pray that I will be able to see the look on your face when you realize that.
Ritsuko’s voice intruded on the silence of the test plug. “Shinji? Are you listening?” Startled, he opened his eyes before he could pull over them his customary mask of emptiness. Just as quickly, he remembered the cockpit video recorders and schooled his expression. Nonetheless, it was just a fraction of a second too late. Ritsuko had seen past the shy, quiet Shinji to the Eva pilot that lay just beneath-like a thin curtain of light parting to reveal an unfathomable well of darkness. When she spoke again, her voice shook. “Th-that’s all for today, Shinji. The test is over. You can go.” His expression is (thankfully?) unreadable as he replies. “Yes ma’am.”
And on that day-the last day-when the Eva gives voice to its fury, I will scream with it.
Evangelion.