Bleach: The Rock Experiment
Once upon a time, three captains defected from the Gotei 13, and they left a real mess behind them. And this wasn’t just in terms of record numbers of buildings destroyed, although the numbers set for the Seireitei during the incident still stand to this day. This was an interpersonal mess, which is far and away the worst kind. The deserters didn’t much care, because they went out into the wide world to fuck other people’s shit up and find newer and more inventive ways to stick it to their former employers. Said employers, however, cared very much about the mess and started looking for ways to fix it. Somehow, somewhere, they ran across team-building exercises. What followed was an experiment involving rocks that lasted for eight days. On the eight day of the rock experiment, it collapsed under pressure from one very aggravated captain. Surprisingly, it was Captain Unohana that cracked. But, that’s putting the cart before the horse. Let’s go back to the beginning.
On the first day, Yamamoto called an assembly of captains. When they arrived, they found a frighteningly determined Captain-General and twelve bags of small, smooth river pebbles. Yamamoto gave a smile that they all later agreed would be better suited to Kurotsuchi’s face and laid out the plan.
Each shinigami in the Gotei 13 was to be given a rock and instructions to greet their fellow shinigami whenever they passed. If one shinigami failed to greet another, that other shinigami could ask for the first shinigami’s rock, with the same penalty for failing to respond to a greeting. There was no time limit, no reward or punishment, no stated goal and no incentive save for the Captain-General’s firm grip on the undisguised Ryuujin Jakka. It was stipulated that everyone participate. The captains obediently returned to their divisions, called everyone together, passed out rocks and parroted the instructions before turning everyone loose again.
Sometime shortly after those meetings, it dawned on everybody exactly what their esteemed commander had gotten them into. On that first night, record numbers of shinigami got knee-walking drunk.
On the second day, nothing much of interest happened. Very few people actually participated, but most everyone was so hung over that no one noticed.
On the third day, Renji and Rukia managed to escape to the living world through judicious application of carefully hoarded blackmail material. They found Ichigo in the Urahara Shoten and took vindictive pleasure in telling both him and the owner of said establishment exactly what they were missing. They expected shock and horror from the living world’s shinigami. They got firm resolve and murderous intent.
“This shit does not get out to my father, you understand?” Ichigo declared. “If I find out anyone has told him about this, I will hunt down every single shinigami to visit the living world in the past month and go bankai on your sorry asses.”
“And you had better hope Ichigo finds you first if either Isshin or Tessai learns of this travesty of a team-building exercise, because I will do much worse than he could ever conceive. I will not have this ridiculous experiment in my shop.” And Urahara was wearing his I-was-a-damn-captain-you-ingrate-and-I-can-kick-your-ass face when he spoke, so no one dared to contradict him, even if Rukia and Renji privately thought that he and Ichigo both were overreacting a bit with the death threats.
It wasn’t until the pair had returned to Seireitei that it dawned on them exactly what their friends’ reactions meant in terms of the experiment.
On the fourth day, word began to get around that Karakura was an Ichigo-and-Urahara-enforced rock free paradise. By the end of the day, everyone knew.
On the fifth day, the number of fistfights over who would get to patrol in the living world skyrocketed. Then Byakuya suggested that if everyone didn’t learn to behave themselves, Yamamoto might be tempted to introduce yet another exercise aimed at correcting that. The fights stopped immediately. The shinigami fell back on the standard method of negotiation used among those who had been denied the use of violence: blackmail.
On the sixth day, shifts were set up, so that everyone who had dirt on anyone could get a few hours of blessed relief from the increasingly awkward forced social interaction. It was probably the first time the entire Gotei 13 had come together to accomplish a single goal in…well, ever, really.
On the seventh day, Ichigo offhandedly mentioned to Matsumoto that the rocks were probably small by necessity. Desperate for a single rational thought to attach to the decision-making process behind the madness, she asked him to clarify. He replied that anything bigger than a pebble would be big enough to cause serious damage when someone inevitably got fed up and chucked the rock at someone else’s head. Matsumoto laughed, agreed and went back through the gate.
Back at the Tenth, she related the conversation to Hitsugaya. He snorted derisively, glanced at his too-small rock and turned to gaze longingly at Hyourinmaru with visions of decapitation dancing in his head. Then he shook himself out of the tempting daydream, firmly reminded himself that he was a captain, he couldn’t just go beheading people for being idiots and returned to his paperwork.
Later that night, Matsumoto went drinking, where she met up with Ikkaku. She told him what Ichigo had said. They had a good laugh, agreed that the kid was right and it was a crying shame, too, and continued drinking until the bartender threw them out.
The next day, Ikkaku told Yumichika, who told Yachiru, who told Zaraki. Shortly after that, Zaraki burst into the Tenth Division demanding to know when they’d been authorized to throw boulders at other shinigami for being overly cheerful pansy assed wimps and why no one had told him earlier. One shikai release and a truly regrettable amount of property damage later, Hitsugaya finally managed to set Zaraki straight.
The captain of the Eleventh stood in the Tenth’s training yard for a moment with a thoughtful expression on his face. Then he started to grin, and Hitsugaya mentally directed the giant ice dragon of Hyourinmaru’s shikai into an attack position, just to be on the safe side. Much to everyone’s surprise, Zaraki turned and walked out, laughing maniacally the whole time. Hitsugaya hurriedly resealed his zanpakutou and ordered Matsumoto to gather the division in the training yard. Once there, he ordered all of them to remain inside the Tenth’s compound for the remainder of the day. After a look at the debris that used to be one of the unused barracks, no one dared argue.
As a result, the Tenth Division would be the only one to escape the experiment relatively unscathed.
Zaraki, meanwhile, had gone back to his division and directed the first five shinigami he ran into to gather some very specific supplies. He grabbed Ikkaku and Yumichika and had them gather the entire division in one of the barracks, so as not to be seen. Then he sat back to wait.
The five shinigami headed out to every single place that had seen a fight in the past month or so, plus a few places around Rukongai. Ikkaku and Yumichika rounded up everyone in the compound, then Yumi took the bars while Ikkaku took the dark alleys.
An hour later, the entire Eleventh Division was staring at their captain and wondering what the fuck was in the five lumpy bags he had and could they kill/eat/screw it?
“We’re gonna do this pansy assed rock shit,” Zaraki declared. The reaction from his division was immediate and violent, as it should be, he thought.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” he roared. They shut the fuck up.
Zaraki kicked over one of the bags and fist-sized rocks spilled out. He grinned his I’m-about-to-incite-bloodshed-among-my-subordinates grin, which was not the same as his I-will-fucking-kill-you grin, thank you very much. “Like I said, we’re gonna do this. And I don’t want nobody picking the same guy as anybody else. You go out and get as many of those suckers as you can. Now, everybody come get your ammunition.” Once they were all properly armed, Zaraki unleashed his minions on the other unsuspecting shinigami.
One hour and fifty-six concussions later, Unohana stormed Yamamoto’s office. Thirty seconds after she went in, the entire First Division came streaming out of the compound in mortal terror. Five minutes later, a veritable swarm of hell moths went out, bearing an official order of cancellation for the rock experiment and a formal apology from Yamamoto for the attempt.
And that was how team building exercises nearly tore the Gotei 13 apart, and how the power of violence set them free.