/Headdesk
If you plan on watching the new horror flick "House" then don't read any further. However if you either don't care to see it, or spoilers don't make you feel like someone pissed in your wheaties, then by all means read on...
Ok, as all of you know I'm a bit of a horror nerd. Ok a big horror nerd...A giant, fat, super, mega horror nerd...+1. Anyway, there have actually been a lot of good solid horror flicks coming down the pipeline over the year, which has made me a happy fatty. Unfortunately it has left me open to be blindsided by the atrocity that is "House" I first saw the trailer for it a few weeks ago and was immediately intrigued. From what I could tell it looked like some kind of bizarre love child between House of 1000 Corpses and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. Needless to say I had a geek-on. So when Suzie was awesome enough to show me where i could see it, I was excited to say the least....Well I just finished watching it, and my everything hurts.
Let's start at the beginning shall we... The flick opens promising enough (Albeit a horror movie cliche, but promising nonetheless). Spooky house, scared girl, rats a plenty, crazy man with a shotgun. Looks promising. Murder type stuffs happen and we flash forward to present day (although at this point we really didn't know that we were witnessing the past, but more on that later.) So now we meet two of our main characters, which honestly were so one dimensional and boring that I can't even remember the woman's name and I literally just finished watching it. The guy I remember was Jack, the woman...well I'll call her Jibbley for the sake of my rant. So Jack and Jibbley are driving down a road out in east buttfuck, Jack is fumbling with the road map, obviously annoyed at Jibbley's lack of help and overall cold demeanor, we gather that they're married and that they're having marital problems so they're on their way to see a marriage counselor (was that cliche #2? Me thinks it was. Main characters that are in an unhappy marriage and whatever horrible events they are about to witness during the duration of this film will bring them closer together??? Yep...but I digress as I'm getting ahead of myself.) So before we know it we're hit with cliche #3. Jack is speeding along and low and behold a cop comes flying up behind him. Jibbley starts yelling at him to pull over, but for some odd reason Jack doesn't, and the spooky cop pulls up next to them gives them the stink eye and speeds off. Hmm...I wonder if Mr. Po po will play a later role in the movie? So now Jibbley and Jack bicker and complain at each other, and a few minutes later Jack's lead foot gets them into trouble yet again, there is a road block that they somehow didn't see on this very straight road, and BAM Jack slams into it...(Cliche #4 speedy car hits ominous roadblock in the middle of no where.) So Jack gets out of the car, and who does he see? Mr. Spooky po po with the stink eye. The exact banter that you would expect then takes place, License blah blah blah...you know how fast blah blah blah where you folks headed yadda yadda you can't get there from here and BAM cliche #5 Mr. Po po tells Jack and Jibbley to take the spooky short cut through the woods to get where they wanna go. So of course they do, and because they've already nailed down Jack's mad driving skizzles through such amazing character development, guess what gets them into trouble on the spooky road?? Yeeeaaaah....so Jack drives head-long into Cliche #6 "debris" in the road which slashes their tires and strands them on said spooky road, but wait theres more. The "debris" is basically giant honking road spikes and what looks to be a piece of a mechanical bull, now while I can't confirm that it was the carcass of a mechanical bull, thats what it looked like to me. Now while the viewer is still left reeling from the spooky debris Cliche #7 shows up, an abandonned car on the same road just up ahead of theirs. Hmm...that can't be good, so they investigate, of course no one is around, but the car is nice and doesn't seem to have been there long since its lights are still on. Spooky horror movie noises come out of the woods and gives Jibbley the jibblies and then before we have time to react to Cliche #6 and #7, Cliche #8 jumps out of the bushes and fucking throat punches us. KA-KOOM! Thunderstorm! Cause thunderstorms are spooky yo! So yeah this is all in like the first 10 minutes of the movie....-sigh-....moving on. Jack and Jibbley retreat to the dryness of their car and Jack begins looking over the map, and guess what folks?....
Cliche #9 The road isn't on the map! OH this is good cinema! So yeah Jibbley is all spooked and whats to go back and make nice nice with Mr. spooky Po po, but Jack gets annoyed and says he'll go, cause ya know he's the man...or something like that. So he tells Jibbley to wait in the car...alone....on the spooky road....in the spooky thunderstorm...with the spooky spookyness of spookerton....so yeah of course she follows him. So within a few seconds of walking they discover a ginormous bed and breakfast that was clearly not there a second ago...wait a minute, big giant creepy house that appears out of nowhere when our main characters are caught in a thunderstorm.....Yeah thats Cliche #10. So they seek shelter in said house. Can anyone guess when the next cliche will show up? anyone? Oh its right now! Booyah bitches! Cliche #11 big spooky appearing out of thin fucking air house, but the residents are no where to be found. Big houses are scary when no one is in them no? So Jack jerks off on the bell at the front desk of the bed and breakfast from HELL! and none of the staff shows up, however two random folks do come down from upstairs, this is where we meet our next set of paper-thin main characters...again names escape me. I all but stopped breathing by this point anyway after being pummeled about the face and neck by so many fucking cliches. I think the guy's name was Randy or something like that, but whatever for the sake of my rant I will call them; Bob and Girl Bob. So Bob and Girl Bob turn out to be the owners of the other car stranded just up the road (who didn't see that coming?) so they start talking to Jack and Jibbley and they get all cozy like and have a laugh at their terrible luck, but watch out folks Cliche #12 is gonna get you! Awww too late, it got ya. The power goes out!...How cute. So Girl Bob and Jibbley get all spooked and Bob and Jack go rummaging around the house to see if they can't rustle up some candles or turn back on the sun or something...I dunno I wasn't really paying attention. So yeah they find a lantern and while they're lighting it Jack is bitch-slapped with Cliche #13; Creepy voice calling his name! Which Bob writes off as just "House noise"....House noise??? Really??? What the fuck kind of house noise calls out your name?! But whatever Cliche #13 isn't done with Jack just yet, it still has to do its; creepy little ghost girl running in the background just at the corner of Jack's vision. Yeah cause thats not predictable or anything.
So yeah Jack and Bob take the convenient plot device- er I mean Lantern back to Jibbley and Girl Bob so it can be used to spot Cliche #14 SPOOKY RANDOM GUY STANDING IN THE DARKNESS!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!......Yeah so spooky guy turns out to be one of the people who work at the bed and breakfast and then spooky old lady who works at the bed and breakfast shows up for the next scare. AHH SHE'S OLD! BOOGY BOOGY BOOGY! So again we are beaten with the predictable dialog, blh blah blah, this is my house yadda yadda we don't get many guests anymore blah blah blah some random dude you haven't met yet is fixing the lights blah blah can't get a tow truck till morning yadda yadda stay for the night. So of course they do or we wouldn't have a movie. So Jack and Jibbley want to make a phone call to call a garage and get a truck for the morning but watch out cause Cliche #15 is lurking in the shadows! The phone doesn't work...awww boo. So yeah now they have to stay and figure things out in the morning whether they like it or not. Ok so lets skip past the random "Character development" which is basically the couples argue a bit and get on each other's nerves, and while tempers are flared spooky ghost girl makes her second appearance and shows up in the mirror behind Jibbley while she's preparing for Cliche #16 The dinner scene. This is where we get to see just how spooky the people who run this joint are, spooky clerk guy repeatedly hits on Girl Bob, the food is made to look nasty with repeated close ups of congealing gravy and a knife tearing through questionable meat, the bad editing continues (because its spooky that way) and we are forced to see close up after close up of the freaky family and the nasty food, until jibbley spazzes out and heads for the door, but upon opening it she sees a spooky masked man with a shotgun and a lantern in the yard!!! AHHH! Then the family reacts by locking down the house like it was a maximum security prison and speaking ominous phrases like "What did you do!?" "You brought him here!" Cause confusion = scary, yes? So yeah spooky masked man then somehow gets from the front yard to the fucking roof, keep in mind this happens in like 10 seconds and the house is at least three stories high, but whatever he's spooky so its ok. So yeah he shoots a skylight out and drops a bullet hole ridden tin-can into the house with the house rules written on it. And the plot thickens.
The rules are as follows; Rule #1 This is my house, God came into my house and I killed him. (not really a rule, more like a statement, but whatever) Rule #2 Anyone who comes into my house I will kill just like I killed God. Rule #3 Give me a body by sunrise and I'll let Rule #2 slide. (and just in case you're wondering how I could remember the rules but not character names, the repeat the rules about a hundred and eleventy times in throughout this horror abortion.) So yeah now we see why they wanted us to see the couple fighting, uh-oh they spooky guy is gonna pit them against one another. But on top of that we directed to a wall of newspaper clippings where we see all these missing people, including the two from the opening of the flick! Duhn duhn duuuuuh!!!! So blah blah blah some more crap happens and the crazy family shows their true colors, that they're nuttier than squirrel shit and try to kill the 4 main characters, but they fight back, and before you know it the good guys best the crazy folk and we're beaten with Cliche # 17 They're not human!!! Yeah the spooky family gets even spookier cause their eyes go black and they bleed shadow (which even though this flick sucked an elephantitis ridden nut, that was arguably cool looking.) So Bob and Jack go looking for weapons while Jibbley runs and hides in a closet and Girl Bob gets kidnapped by creepy clerk guy. Now we're hit in very fast succession with Cliche's #18, 19, and 20, so try to keep up here. #18 the house seems to be like a giant maze, almost as ifs not really a house or there's some kind of spooky paranormal shit at work here. #19 Satanism, er black magic, er hoodoo, er Hoo-satan-doo-magic what be black or some such junk. Occult stuff is spooky right? Yeah the family has some kind of ties to dark spooky religious type stuff. and #20 The sad and mysterious past of the main characters starts to come back to haunt them; Ooooooh spooooooky. So Jibbley is locked in the closet and she sees a little girls winter coat, which she says "Melissa?" (we don't know who that is yet, but don't worry she'll be talked about for the next hour) and then the closet begins to fill with water and the water freezes and the coat drops on the ice and when Jibbley moves the coat she sees a little girl under the ice and she screams "MELISSA NOOO! MY BABY!!!" Ooooh...so she has / had a daughter? Is it a hallucination? A dream? A memory? Bad story-telling? I'm gonna go with bad story-telling. But yeah apparently Jack and Jibbley had a daughter that died or some junk and they each blame each other and thats why they have marital problems. Mmm'yep. So then the ice breaks out from under Jibbley and she falls in and we leave her for the next 30 minutes or so. But Jibbley was boring so its ok.
We now focus on Jack and Bob who are still searching for weapons in the evil religious room of doom, when Jack hears the "house noises" again and sees the creepy ghost girl, so of course Cliche #21 pops and he follows her....why why why why do people always follow the spooky ghost girl in horror movies? Oh yeah cause people like me keep watching them. -sigh- So yeah now all of the characters are split up, the spooky family is back in action and searching the twisting catacombs of the house for the fodder er I mean main characters and creepy masked man is lumbering around outside and crawling all over the outside of the house like a Mexican roofer. So lets get back to Girl Bob and her Cliche #22 The character that wakes up after being knocked out by a villain only to find themselves in a creepy situation. Yep, Girl Bob is dressed up like a little girl and is in what looks to be a little girl's room and is surrounded by pies, I shit you not she is surrounded by pies, maybe pies are scary to some people, not me I'm fat, I like pie, but maybe to some people. Anyhoo now Girl Bob's spooky and mysterious past comes back to haunt her, we find out she was diddled by her uncle with a pie or something, I dunno I kinda zoned out about here, but anyway she has to eat the pies cause her uncle touched her naughty....or something like that. And spooky clerk guy what kidnapped her begins messing with her and freaking her out but who cares cause now we move back over to Jack chasing the ghost girl.
So Jack is running around in the basement of the house and eventually steps into a flashback where we see Melissa get killed and how he blames Jibbley for it. Hmmm...maybe Jack will give us the body before dawn...hmm....anyway he breaks out of the flashback zone and continues chasing the house noise, er ghost, er flashback or whatever the hell it is. And finally catches up to it in a corner of the basement and it turns out to be a teenage goth girl complete with kiss make-up and dirty baby-doll dress, and she drops Cliche #23 on Jack. Mysterious girl who just happens to know everything about everything that is going on in this fun-house from hell but will only say stuff like "He's coming." "I can help you" "You don't have to play by his rules." Whatever. I don't have to finish watching this movie either, but I will cause I'm a sad sad person. So Jack and Manson girl go running around the basement for awhile, until the somehow pop out of the closet in the room with Girl Bob and Jack attacks spooky clerk and pummels him with a candlestick. Then Girl Bob gets freaked out by Manson girl so Manson girl runs away and Jack and girl bob are left to try and find their way out of the house by themselves.
We now jump back to Bob who is roaming around having flashbacks of his childhood where his dad gave him some serious anger management issues. Oh yeah is that Cliche #24 I smell? Yep it is. The hard-ass who is a hard-ass because his daddy called him a girl. So yeah We see how Bob "accidentally" kills his dad on a hunting trip and it fucked him up nice and proper. So now he's roaming around with a gun trying to find his way out while voices taught him (or are they house noises? I forget...whatever) So he runs across one of the spooky family members and shoots them and runs away yelling like a mad-man because we all know Cliche #25 Macho man kills somebody which gives him a taste for blood and makes him think he's invincible. But the shadow blood seeps out of the "dead" guy and follows Bob until Bob finds Jibbley just sitting in the basement. Apparently when one falls into closet water they end up in the basement....seems logical. So he and Jibbley run around trying to find a way out until Bob finds a passage that he thinks will get them out only to end up in a cage outside with another rule can staring him in the face and we see Cliche #26 Macho man pushed over the edge. So now we all know that Bob is going to be the one to try to give the spooky rule can its body before sunrise.
So yeah more spooky shit happens with ghosts and shadows and manson girl and undead family of crazies what worship the black magic/devil/shadow monsters or whatever the fuck is going on, until finally Mr. Po po shows up out of the blue to save the day. Which I'd like to point out is Cliche #27 random guy from the beginning of the movie shows up at the end to seemingly save the day. We then see that the house is still all locked down so how did he get in? He says the garage, oh of course. The spooky masked man outside can jump to the roof but not open the fucking garage how silly of me. So they all run out there but OH NO! Spooky masked guy finally realizes theres a fucking garage and attacks them, but the Po po guns him down and everyone is saved....or are they?
Cliche #28 Po po turns out to be the big baddy of the movie and set them up from the start! Surprise fucking surprise. We also see that the masked man is the guy from the very beginning of the flick and who also happened to be in the news paper clippings of the people who went missing. The plot thickens.
Mr. Po po then puts on the mask from the dead guy and starts reciting the rules of the house as he paces around a table where all four of our main characters are tied to chairs. The undead family of spookiness mutter and prance about in the background just for creepy measure, and the po po slams knives down into the table and explains to the fodder as well as the audience why they should want to kill one another. Then spooky manson girl shows up and continues to say stuff like "you don't have to play by his rules" Po po tells her to shut up and slams down an hour glass and says "you have 3 minutes before sunrise, make your choice" and then just for added fun one of the undead shadow people jumps up and hangs a gun from the light above the table, just in case a knife wasn't enough. So Bob starts flipping and trying to get to the gun while Girl Bob yells about who he should kill, Jack begs for Bob to stop and Jibbley blubbers like a fucking bitch with a skinned knee. Bob gets the gun, Mr. Po po gets shot and then he bleeds shadow too! Uh oh he's just like the undead shadow monster thingie mcbobbers! So Manson girl starts yelling about how light can destroy the darkness and not to play by his rules and blah blah blah and one thing leads to another and Girl bob stabs Bob...but wait Cliche #29 hasn't shown up yet, the duel death! Bwah ha ha! So yeah Bob shoots and kills Girl bob before he dies. Then Mr. Po po shoots manson girl and cliche #30 finally hits us, the mysterious girl who knows everything gives our two surviving fodder some help in death. She bleed light. And the Jibbley sticks her fingers in the light pouring wound and looks at Jack (and the audience) and says "Its light." and Jack says (Can ya guess what he ays? can ya? I bet you can.) "Light can destroy the darkness." BOOYAH! (Just in case you missed it 2 minutes prior to this scene when the explained it.) so then the light pops out of dead manson girl and kills the shadow people and Jack and Jibbley run away and get back to their car only to find policemen and firemen and medics everywhere, and when they try to talk to them...wait for it...wait for it...
Cliche #31 OH they're already dead! AWESOME!....Kinda....but not really...actually its quite fucking terrible....So yeah what actually happened was Jack, Jibbley, Bob and Girl Bob all got into a car accident and had been running around in limbo fighting with God and the devil over where their souls would go. Bob and Girl bob made the wrong choice but Jack and Jibbley made the right ones so they should go to heaven right? EEEHHH WRONG! They get back into their stinking corpses and wake the fuck up because we all know that Cliche #32 is the happy fucking ending. WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK!?!?!?!
Seriously I am so annoyed that films like this get released on the big screen and films like "Jack Brooks Monster Slayer" and "Trailer Park of Terror" linger in convention limbo before they get released to DVD. It makes my fat, horror, fan-boy weep. Anyhoo if any of you actually read this rant I salute you because I know I seriously went off on a rant like I never ranted before.
Ok, as all of you know I'm a bit of a horror nerd. Ok a big horror nerd...A giant, fat, super, mega horror nerd...+1. Anyway, there have actually been a lot of good solid horror flicks coming down the pipeline over the year, which has made me a happy fatty. Unfortunately it has left me open to be blindsided by the atrocity that is "House" I first saw the trailer for it a few weeks ago and was immediately intrigued. From what I could tell it looked like some kind of bizarre love child between House of 1000 Corpses and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. Needless to say I had a geek-on. So when Suzie was awesome enough to show me where i could see it, I was excited to say the least....Well I just finished watching it, and my everything hurts.
Let's start at the beginning shall we... The flick opens promising enough (Albeit a horror movie cliche, but promising nonetheless). Spooky house, scared girl, rats a plenty, crazy man with a shotgun. Looks promising. Murder type stuffs happen and we flash forward to present day (although at this point we really didn't know that we were witnessing the past, but more on that later.) So now we meet two of our main characters, which honestly were so one dimensional and boring that I can't even remember the woman's name and I literally just finished watching it. The guy I remember was Jack, the woman...well I'll call her Jibbley for the sake of my rant. So Jack and Jibbley are driving down a road out in east buttfuck, Jack is fumbling with the road map, obviously annoyed at Jibbley's lack of help and overall cold demeanor, we gather that they're married and that they're having marital problems so they're on their way to see a marriage counselor (was that cliche #2? Me thinks it was. Main characters that are in an unhappy marriage and whatever horrible events they are about to witness during the duration of this film will bring them closer together??? Yep...but I digress as I'm getting ahead of myself.) So before we know it we're hit with cliche #3. Jack is speeding along and low and behold a cop comes flying up behind him. Jibbley starts yelling at him to pull over, but for some odd reason Jack doesn't, and the spooky cop pulls up next to them gives them the stink eye and speeds off. Hmm...I wonder if Mr. Po po will play a later role in the movie? So now Jibbley and Jack bicker and complain at each other, and a few minutes later Jack's lead foot gets them into trouble yet again, there is a road block that they somehow didn't see on this very straight road, and BAM Jack slams into it...(Cliche #4 speedy car hits ominous roadblock in the middle of no where.) So Jack gets out of the car, and who does he see? Mr. Spooky po po with the stink eye. The exact banter that you would expect then takes place, License blah blah blah...you know how fast blah blah blah where you folks headed yadda yadda you can't get there from here and BAM cliche #5 Mr. Po po tells Jack and Jibbley to take the spooky short cut through the woods to get where they wanna go. So of course they do, and because they've already nailed down Jack's mad driving skizzles through such amazing character development, guess what gets them into trouble on the spooky road?? Yeeeaaaah....so Jack drives head-long into Cliche #6 "debris" in the road which slashes their tires and strands them on said spooky road, but wait theres more. The "debris" is basically giant honking road spikes and what looks to be a piece of a mechanical bull, now while I can't confirm that it was the carcass of a mechanical bull, thats what it looked like to me. Now while the viewer is still left reeling from the spooky debris Cliche #7 shows up, an abandonned car on the same road just up ahead of theirs. Hmm...that can't be good, so they investigate, of course no one is around, but the car is nice and doesn't seem to have been there long since its lights are still on. Spooky horror movie noises come out of the woods and gives Jibbley the jibblies and then before we have time to react to Cliche #6 and #7, Cliche #8 jumps out of the bushes and fucking throat punches us. KA-KOOM! Thunderstorm! Cause thunderstorms are spooky yo! So yeah this is all in like the first 10 minutes of the movie....-sigh-....moving on. Jack and Jibbley retreat to the dryness of their car and Jack begins looking over the map, and guess what folks?....
Cliche #9 The road isn't on the map! OH this is good cinema! So yeah Jibbley is all spooked and whats to go back and make nice nice with Mr. spooky Po po, but Jack gets annoyed and says he'll go, cause ya know he's the man...or something like that. So he tells Jibbley to wait in the car...alone....on the spooky road....in the spooky thunderstorm...with the spooky spookyness of spookerton....so yeah of course she follows him. So within a few seconds of walking they discover a ginormous bed and breakfast that was clearly not there a second ago...wait a minute, big giant creepy house that appears out of nowhere when our main characters are caught in a thunderstorm.....Yeah thats Cliche #10. So they seek shelter in said house. Can anyone guess when the next cliche will show up? anyone? Oh its right now! Booyah bitches! Cliche #11 big spooky appearing out of thin fucking air house, but the residents are no where to be found. Big houses are scary when no one is in them no? So Jack jerks off on the bell at the front desk of the bed and breakfast from HELL! and none of the staff shows up, however two random folks do come down from upstairs, this is where we meet our next set of paper-thin main characters...again names escape me. I all but stopped breathing by this point anyway after being pummeled about the face and neck by so many fucking cliches. I think the guy's name was Randy or something like that, but whatever for the sake of my rant I will call them; Bob and Girl Bob. So Bob and Girl Bob turn out to be the owners of the other car stranded just up the road (who didn't see that coming?) so they start talking to Jack and Jibbley and they get all cozy like and have a laugh at their terrible luck, but watch out folks Cliche #12 is gonna get you! Awww too late, it got ya. The power goes out!...How cute. So Girl Bob and Jibbley get all spooked and Bob and Jack go rummaging around the house to see if they can't rustle up some candles or turn back on the sun or something...I dunno I wasn't really paying attention. So yeah they find a lantern and while they're lighting it Jack is bitch-slapped with Cliche #13; Creepy voice calling his name! Which Bob writes off as just "House noise"....House noise??? Really??? What the fuck kind of house noise calls out your name?! But whatever Cliche #13 isn't done with Jack just yet, it still has to do its; creepy little ghost girl running in the background just at the corner of Jack's vision. Yeah cause thats not predictable or anything.
So yeah Jack and Bob take the convenient plot device- er I mean Lantern back to Jibbley and Girl Bob so it can be used to spot Cliche #14 SPOOKY RANDOM GUY STANDING IN THE DARKNESS!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!......Yeah so spooky guy turns out to be one of the people who work at the bed and breakfast and then spooky old lady who works at the bed and breakfast shows up for the next scare. AHH SHE'S OLD! BOOGY BOOGY BOOGY! So again we are beaten with the predictable dialog, blh blah blah, this is my house yadda yadda we don't get many guests anymore blah blah blah some random dude you haven't met yet is fixing the lights blah blah can't get a tow truck till morning yadda yadda stay for the night. So of course they do or we wouldn't have a movie. So Jack and Jibbley want to make a phone call to call a garage and get a truck for the morning but watch out cause Cliche #15 is lurking in the shadows! The phone doesn't work...awww boo. So yeah now they have to stay and figure things out in the morning whether they like it or not. Ok so lets skip past the random "Character development" which is basically the couples argue a bit and get on each other's nerves, and while tempers are flared spooky ghost girl makes her second appearance and shows up in the mirror behind Jibbley while she's preparing for Cliche #16 The dinner scene. This is where we get to see just how spooky the people who run this joint are, spooky clerk guy repeatedly hits on Girl Bob, the food is made to look nasty with repeated close ups of congealing gravy and a knife tearing through questionable meat, the bad editing continues (because its spooky that way) and we are forced to see close up after close up of the freaky family and the nasty food, until jibbley spazzes out and heads for the door, but upon opening it she sees a spooky masked man with a shotgun and a lantern in the yard!!! AHHH! Then the family reacts by locking down the house like it was a maximum security prison and speaking ominous phrases like "What did you do!?" "You brought him here!" Cause confusion = scary, yes? So yeah spooky masked man then somehow gets from the front yard to the fucking roof, keep in mind this happens in like 10 seconds and the house is at least three stories high, but whatever he's spooky so its ok. So yeah he shoots a skylight out and drops a bullet hole ridden tin-can into the house with the house rules written on it. And the plot thickens.
The rules are as follows; Rule #1 This is my house, God came into my house and I killed him. (not really a rule, more like a statement, but whatever) Rule #2 Anyone who comes into my house I will kill just like I killed God. Rule #3 Give me a body by sunrise and I'll let Rule #2 slide. (and just in case you're wondering how I could remember the rules but not character names, the repeat the rules about a hundred and eleventy times in throughout this horror abortion.) So yeah now we see why they wanted us to see the couple fighting, uh-oh they spooky guy is gonna pit them against one another. But on top of that we directed to a wall of newspaper clippings where we see all these missing people, including the two from the opening of the flick! Duhn duhn duuuuuh!!!! So blah blah blah some more crap happens and the crazy family shows their true colors, that they're nuttier than squirrel shit and try to kill the 4 main characters, but they fight back, and before you know it the good guys best the crazy folk and we're beaten with Cliche # 17 They're not human!!! Yeah the spooky family gets even spookier cause their eyes go black and they bleed shadow (which even though this flick sucked an elephantitis ridden nut, that was arguably cool looking.) So Bob and Jack go looking for weapons while Jibbley runs and hides in a closet and Girl Bob gets kidnapped by creepy clerk guy. Now we're hit in very fast succession with Cliche's #18, 19, and 20, so try to keep up here. #18 the house seems to be like a giant maze, almost as ifs not really a house or there's some kind of spooky paranormal shit at work here. #19 Satanism, er black magic, er hoodoo, er Hoo-satan-doo-magic what be black or some such junk. Occult stuff is spooky right? Yeah the family has some kind of ties to dark spooky religious type stuff. and #20 The sad and mysterious past of the main characters starts to come back to haunt them; Ooooooh spooooooky. So Jibbley is locked in the closet and she sees a little girls winter coat, which she says "Melissa?" (we don't know who that is yet, but don't worry she'll be talked about for the next hour) and then the closet begins to fill with water and the water freezes and the coat drops on the ice and when Jibbley moves the coat she sees a little girl under the ice and she screams "MELISSA NOOO! MY BABY!!!" Ooooh...so she has / had a daughter? Is it a hallucination? A dream? A memory? Bad story-telling? I'm gonna go with bad story-telling. But yeah apparently Jack and Jibbley had a daughter that died or some junk and they each blame each other and thats why they have marital problems. Mmm'yep. So then the ice breaks out from under Jibbley and she falls in and we leave her for the next 30 minutes or so. But Jibbley was boring so its ok.
We now focus on Jack and Bob who are still searching for weapons in the evil religious room of doom, when Jack hears the "house noises" again and sees the creepy ghost girl, so of course Cliche #21 pops and he follows her....why why why why do people always follow the spooky ghost girl in horror movies? Oh yeah cause people like me keep watching them. -sigh- So yeah now all of the characters are split up, the spooky family is back in action and searching the twisting catacombs of the house for the fodder er I mean main characters and creepy masked man is lumbering around outside and crawling all over the outside of the house like a Mexican roofer. So lets get back to Girl Bob and her Cliche #22 The character that wakes up after being knocked out by a villain only to find themselves in a creepy situation. Yep, Girl Bob is dressed up like a little girl and is in what looks to be a little girl's room and is surrounded by pies, I shit you not she is surrounded by pies, maybe pies are scary to some people, not me I'm fat, I like pie, but maybe to some people. Anyhoo now Girl Bob's spooky and mysterious past comes back to haunt her, we find out she was diddled by her uncle with a pie or something, I dunno I kinda zoned out about here, but anyway she has to eat the pies cause her uncle touched her naughty....or something like that. And spooky clerk guy what kidnapped her begins messing with her and freaking her out but who cares cause now we move back over to Jack chasing the ghost girl.
So Jack is running around in the basement of the house and eventually steps into a flashback where we see Melissa get killed and how he blames Jibbley for it. Hmmm...maybe Jack will give us the body before dawn...hmm....anyway he breaks out of the flashback zone and continues chasing the house noise, er ghost, er flashback or whatever the hell it is. And finally catches up to it in a corner of the basement and it turns out to be a teenage goth girl complete with kiss make-up and dirty baby-doll dress, and she drops Cliche #23 on Jack. Mysterious girl who just happens to know everything about everything that is going on in this fun-house from hell but will only say stuff like "He's coming." "I can help you" "You don't have to play by his rules." Whatever. I don't have to finish watching this movie either, but I will cause I'm a sad sad person. So Jack and Manson girl go running around the basement for awhile, until the somehow pop out of the closet in the room with Girl Bob and Jack attacks spooky clerk and pummels him with a candlestick. Then Girl Bob gets freaked out by Manson girl so Manson girl runs away and Jack and girl bob are left to try and find their way out of the house by themselves.
We now jump back to Bob who is roaming around having flashbacks of his childhood where his dad gave him some serious anger management issues. Oh yeah is that Cliche #24 I smell? Yep it is. The hard-ass who is a hard-ass because his daddy called him a girl. So yeah We see how Bob "accidentally" kills his dad on a hunting trip and it fucked him up nice and proper. So now he's roaming around with a gun trying to find his way out while voices taught him (or are they house noises? I forget...whatever) So he runs across one of the spooky family members and shoots them and runs away yelling like a mad-man because we all know Cliche #25 Macho man kills somebody which gives him a taste for blood and makes him think he's invincible. But the shadow blood seeps out of the "dead" guy and follows Bob until Bob finds Jibbley just sitting in the basement. Apparently when one falls into closet water they end up in the basement....seems logical. So he and Jibbley run around trying to find a way out until Bob finds a passage that he thinks will get them out only to end up in a cage outside with another rule can staring him in the face and we see Cliche #26 Macho man pushed over the edge. So now we all know that Bob is going to be the one to try to give the spooky rule can its body before sunrise.
So yeah more spooky shit happens with ghosts and shadows and manson girl and undead family of crazies what worship the black magic/devil/shadow monsters or whatever the fuck is going on, until finally Mr. Po po shows up out of the blue to save the day. Which I'd like to point out is Cliche #27 random guy from the beginning of the movie shows up at the end to seemingly save the day. We then see that the house is still all locked down so how did he get in? He says the garage, oh of course. The spooky masked man outside can jump to the roof but not open the fucking garage how silly of me. So they all run out there but OH NO! Spooky masked guy finally realizes theres a fucking garage and attacks them, but the Po po guns him down and everyone is saved....or are they?
Cliche #28 Po po turns out to be the big baddy of the movie and set them up from the start! Surprise fucking surprise. We also see that the masked man is the guy from the very beginning of the flick and who also happened to be in the news paper clippings of the people who went missing. The plot thickens.
Mr. Po po then puts on the mask from the dead guy and starts reciting the rules of the house as he paces around a table where all four of our main characters are tied to chairs. The undead family of spookiness mutter and prance about in the background just for creepy measure, and the po po slams knives down into the table and explains to the fodder as well as the audience why they should want to kill one another. Then spooky manson girl shows up and continues to say stuff like "you don't have to play by his rules" Po po tells her to shut up and slams down an hour glass and says "you have 3 minutes before sunrise, make your choice" and then just for added fun one of the undead shadow people jumps up and hangs a gun from the light above the table, just in case a knife wasn't enough. So Bob starts flipping and trying to get to the gun while Girl Bob yells about who he should kill, Jack begs for Bob to stop and Jibbley blubbers like a fucking bitch with a skinned knee. Bob gets the gun, Mr. Po po gets shot and then he bleeds shadow too! Uh oh he's just like the undead shadow monster thingie mcbobbers! So Manson girl starts yelling about how light can destroy the darkness and not to play by his rules and blah blah blah and one thing leads to another and Girl bob stabs Bob...but wait Cliche #29 hasn't shown up yet, the duel death! Bwah ha ha! So yeah Bob shoots and kills Girl bob before he dies. Then Mr. Po po shoots manson girl and cliche #30 finally hits us, the mysterious girl who knows everything gives our two surviving fodder some help in death. She bleed light. And the Jibbley sticks her fingers in the light pouring wound and looks at Jack (and the audience) and says "Its light." and Jack says (Can ya guess what he ays? can ya? I bet you can.) "Light can destroy the darkness." BOOYAH! (Just in case you missed it 2 minutes prior to this scene when the explained it.) so then the light pops out of dead manson girl and kills the shadow people and Jack and Jibbley run away and get back to their car only to find policemen and firemen and medics everywhere, and when they try to talk to them...wait for it...wait for it...
Cliche #31 OH they're already dead! AWESOME!....Kinda....but not really...actually its quite fucking terrible....So yeah what actually happened was Jack, Jibbley, Bob and Girl Bob all got into a car accident and had been running around in limbo fighting with God and the devil over where their souls would go. Bob and Girl bob made the wrong choice but Jack and Jibbley made the right ones so they should go to heaven right? EEEHHH WRONG! They get back into their stinking corpses and wake the fuck up because we all know that Cliche #32 is the happy fucking ending. WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK!?!?!?!
Seriously I am so annoyed that films like this get released on the big screen and films like "Jack Brooks Monster Slayer" and "Trailer Park of Terror" linger in convention limbo before they get released to DVD. It makes my fat, horror, fan-boy weep. Anyhoo if any of you actually read this rant I salute you because I know I seriously went off on a rant like I never ranted before.