Fic: Crossing Borders (19/20)

Jan 08, 2016 23:09




The first sensation Ben felt when he drifted awake was warmth. Not a painful one like he had felt on his back, when it felt like flames were ripping his skin apart. Not a flush from the fever that came with his infection.

No, this was a comforting warmth, a warmth that made him want to curl into it and fall back asleep.

When he felt the shift next to him and realized that his hand was curled around the very familiar curve of Leslie’s hip, he allowed himself to relax. He always teased her about being a little human furnace, but he was never more grateful for her higher than normal body temperature than in that moment.

He opened his eyes slowly and got a faceful of blond hair, but he didn’t mind that either. It was just another thing to comfort him. Under any other circumstances, it’d be just like waking up in the cabin with Leslie in his arms.

The constant sound of the heart monitor and stark, white walls clued him into the fact that he was in a hospital. He had that pleasant, floating feeling that he knew all too well came from whatever drugs were in his IV, and while he was never his best when heavily medicated, he’d rather this pleasant disconnect than whatever pain he’d be feeling otherwise.

At some point, Leslie’s breathing changed and she turned over with a yawn. Her eyes blinked and then widened when she noticed that Ben was awake, and her smile was so big and bright, it felt like butterflies were filling his stomach.

“You’re awake.”

Her voice was still raspy from sleep, and it was the most beautiful sound in the world.

He nodded and cleared his throat. “How long was I out?”

“A few days.” She tucked her head into the crook of his neck and sighed, her hands clutching the front of his hospital gown. “You had an infection starting in your back and they had to take you into surgery to fix up some of the worst of the cuts. But they said you should be fine.”

Between the dull ache in his ribs and the stiffness in his back from the bandages, he couldn’t really move his arm, so he settled for gently rubbing his thumb on her hip. Anything to keep touching her. “What about you? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Better now that you’re awake. They-” Her voice hitched and she took a few deep breaths. “They didn’t...hurt me when we were there. Just kept me tied up. All I had were a few bruises on my wrists and was dehydrated.”

She tried to make it sound so nonchalant, but he knew better. The emotional scars were always the ones that lasted. Long after the physical ones faded away, they would still be there. But she was alive and safe and in his arms. He didn’t want to think about anything other than that right now.

He buried his face in her hair and breathed in deeply, puckering his lips just enough to kiss her forehead. “Not that I’m complaining, but shouldn’t you have your own bed somewhere resting and getting fluids.”

“Way ahead of you. Ann took care of all that.” She lifted her hand and he could see the IV line. “They knew I wouldn’t leave you alone, so my bed is next to yours and the IV pole rolls. So here I am.” She sniffed. “I couldn’t leave you. I can’t.” She shook her head and he could tell she was trying not to cry. “I almost lost you.”

He closed his eyes tightly and pressed another kiss into her hair. He almost lost her, too. He knew what that felt like. If he had his way, he’d never let Leslie out of his sight again. “You didn’t. I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

She tilted her head up and peppered soft kisses on his jaw before curling back into his chest. “I’m so sorry,” she choked out. “I love you so much and you almost died because of me.”

She started sobbing, then. Deep, gut wrenching cries that shook her entire body. It was all finally catching up to her. Everything they experienced, every terrible moment she had forced herself to ignore to remain strong was now bubbling to the surface. He cursed his immobile limbs for not being able to properly hold her.

“No,” he murmured against her forehead. “Don’t even think that. It’s not true at all.”

“It is. And if you don’t see it now, one day you will and you’ll never be able to forgive me.”

“Never. I love you. I love you more than anything in this world, and I know none of this is your fault. Not a single thing.”

“But you can blame yourself?” she said back. “I know you’re thinking the same things I am, but about yourself.”

She was right. He was thinking the same things, but it had been his job, not hers, to keep her safe. He was the one that failed, not her. “Leslie, it was my responsibility-”

“No,” she cut him off. “If I can’t blame myself then you can’t either.”

He nodded, but knew it wasn’t going to stop either of them from doing it anyway. Guilt was tricky that way. It didn’t see logic or reason, didn’t listen no matter many times someone said it wasn’t your fault. It just...was.

“They’re going to want us to give statements soon,” she hiccupped.

“Yeah, I expected as much.”

“I don’t think I can do it. Not just the statement part, but everything. How will I ever be able to do my job again? I can’t think about what happened without wanting to fall apart. If I even just imagine being away from you, I can’t breathe. I killed someone, Ben! What if I’m just not...fit to do it anymore? How can I run a nation like this? What if he took that away from me too?”

It was almost hard to believe that the trembling woman in his arms was President Leslie Knope, but at the same time, it wasn’t. She was stronger than she gave herself credit for, that much was true, but she was still human. She needed to be reminded of that sometimes.

“I don’t think anyone could walk away from what we experienced unscathed,” he said to her. “And no one can possibly expect you to pretend as though nothing happened. You’re so strong, Leslie, and what’s going on inside your head right now doesn’t make you weak. It’ll take time, but you can do it. And you’re not alone. You have so many people who will help you. You just need to stop being so afraid to ask for that help. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak either. And if you need to talk to somebody to help work through everything, I’ll support you.”

“Did you...did you talk to someone?”

“Yeah, I did. For a while actually. It was mandatory at first, after I tried to...kill myself. God, I hated him, but that was because I was angry at myself and took it out on him. But after a while, I realized that it was helping. I still call him from time to time when things get particularly bad. There’s no magical cure. I wish there was, but there’s not. All we can both do is keep going as best as we can. If we give up, it’s like letting Yurgin win.”

“I don’t understand how you can be so calm right now. Aren’t you scared, too?”

His hand tightened on her hip. “Of course I am. I’m terrified. I was tortured. I almost lost you. I can already picture the nightmares I know are going to haunt my sleep. I have a thousand different scenarios running through my head of how you’re going to realize I caused all of this and leave me, how I’m nothing more than a mess of physical and psychological scars. I can hear it all in my mind. That I’ll never be good enough or deserve your love.”

She kissed his neck. “None of that’s true.”

“Logically, I know that, and being with you has helped me so much in so many ways. You helped me realize that it was okay to love myself again. I hate Yurgin for everything he did to you, but the most from what he’s still trying to take away. And just like what I’m thinking isn’t true, neither is what’s going on inside your head. Believe me, I understand that there’s a difference between knowing something and actually believing it. It takes time, but we’ll get through it. Together.”

He pressed his lips to her forehead again for a lingering, almost desperate kiss. “Everything will be okay. I promise.”

He had no business making a promise like that. There was no way to know for sure. He was so far gone himself at that point, he didn’t know what good he could be in helping Leslie. Right now, they were just two broken people trying to help put each other back together.

So, no, he wasn’t sure if this was a promise he could keep, but he was most certainly going to try.

~~~~~

On his second lucid day at the hospital, Leslie was officially taken off the IV. They wanted to still keep her for observation, and he assumed that was code for keeping an eye on her mental health. It would have been pointless to discharge her anyway. It’s not like she would have left. She still refused to sleep in her own bed, a fact that Ben was more than fine with. He was going to relish in their codependence for as long as was allowed.

The tearful reunion came on day three, when everyone had finally been granted clearance to get onto the base and he was deemed well enough for visitors.

He watched from his bed as Leslie embraced each and every one of her friends, who were equally emotional. Even Ron’s eyes looked a bit red when he hugged Leslie before stepping back and clearing his throat.

Ben was shocked by just how emotional he was during this time as well, especially surprised at how genuinely happy and relieved they were to see him, too. It felt...nice to have people who cared about him again. He almost forgot what that was like.

Leslie sat next to him on the bed, her hand absentmindedly running through his hair or touching some part of him as she smiled widely and talked with everyone. Thankfully, no one brought up the elephant in the room. No one asked about them being taken, no one brought up the upcoming trial or their impending statements. No talk about the civil unrest or elevated paranoia that was now running rampant in Pawnee. They were just grateful to have their friends back safe and sound.

If he didn’t know any better, it was as though everything was back to normal.

But it wasn’t. That became clear when they tried to take Ben down for an MRI to check for possible head trauma, and Leslie had a panic attack that wouldn’t subside until long after they agreed to let her accompany him.

It was clear when he had a flashback in the middle of the day and almost attacked a poor nurse who was just trying to change the dressing on his back, when Leslie woke up screaming from nightmares.

On day four, they met with Dr. Richard Nygard, one of Pawnee’s most well respected psychiatrists who specialized in treating military and government officials who have experienced significant trauma. Standard protocol called for Leslie and Ben to be evaluated separately, but Leslie’s refusal to leave his side only made the diagnosis easier.

Post traumatic stress disorder was nothing new to Ben, but to hear those words, along with separation anxiety, directed towards Leslie made his stomach lurch. He wouldn’t wish what he had experienced on anyone, let alone her.

But she took the news with a dull nod, almost like she anticipated it. Her expression remained blank as the doctor talked them through options and recommended they continue seeing him for treatment.

On day five, Andy, Chris, and Trumple came to their room with tight, apologetic smiles. It seemed that they couldn’t put off giving their statements any longer. Dozens of members of the group and those believed to be aiding them were awaiting indictment, and Ben and Leslie’s statements were essential.

As soon as Leslie saw them, she curled next to Ben and shook her head, muttering things even he couldn’t hear or understand.

“We know that there is no right time for something like this,” Chris said in his overly understanding tone, “but your accounts of what happened are of the utmost importance. We tried to wait as long as we could, but we are under a lot of pressure to handle this as quickly as possible.”

“I can’t,” she whispered. “Please don’t make me.”

Ben loosely wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close, looking up at the three men. “Can you just give us a minute. Let me--let me try to talk to her.”

They nodded, and shuffled out, clearly uncomfortable at seeing Leslie, usually so composed and professional, behaving this way.

“Hey,” he said softly, bumping his nose into her hair. “I know you don’t want to do this, but it’s really important.”

“I know. And I hate myself because I just can’t.”

“It’ll be hard, but I know you can do it. And Andy’ll be there with you. I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to sit with you and help you through it.”

She looked up at him in horror. “Won’t you be in there with me too?”

“I can’t. We can’t be with one another when we give our statements. They have to make sure they match up on their own. It’s not ethical if we give them together.”

She let out a shaky breath. “I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I almost forget what it’s like to sleep through the night. I hate that the thought of being away from you sends me into a panic. I hate that I don’t feel like me anymore. What am I supposed to do?”

“We’re just going to take one day at a time. That’s all we can do. And about your statement, I’m sure we can think of something." His eyes searched the room and landed on the window facing the hall that was covered by a set of blinds. “Would it help if you could at least see me even if I can’t be in the room?”

She shrugged. “It’ll be better than nothing, I guess.”

So that’s what was done. When Trumple, Andy, and Chris came back into the room, they requested a nurse pull back the blinds, and once Ben was transferred to a wheelchair, he parked himself on the other side of the window.

It felt like hours sitting there, watching as Leslie struggled with whatever questions she was being asked. Andy sat down next to her on the bed, and there were times Ben saw him grip her hand or pull her against his shoulder. He wished more than anything that it was him in there to comfort her, but the small look of relief she had every time their eyes met was enough to make him feel useful.

When it was Ben’s turn, Leslie took his place out in the hall. She ran her hands nervously through her hair several times before putting them in her lap and picking at her nails.

Ben didn’t look away until Chris pulled out his phone and hit record.

“This is Lieutenant Colonel Chris Traeger taking the witness statement. Could you please state your name and occupation for the record?”

“Major Benjamin Wyatt, Intelligence Analyst for the Pawnee Army.”

“And your involvement in this case?”

“I was called in from the Border to look into the threats made against President Knope. I was then appointed as her primary bodyguard.”

“And would you please give your version of events for the dates in question?”

Ben dropped his chin to his chest and swallowed. “It was my birthday, and Leslie--Leslie had thrown me a surprise party. It started during the shift change. Me, Leslie, and Andy were alone in the cabin when we heard shots fired. We tried to escape into the woods, and that’s when Director Dwyer was shot. Leslie and I kept going and made it to the rendezvous point by the following morning, but we were ambushed. I was attacked and nearly choked to death by an assailant working for James Yurgin, but Leslie...she killed him. After that, we planned to hike to the nearest town for help, but I was knocked unconscious and woke up in a cell at the compound.”

Ben stopped and stared down at his hands. He could just imagine the bonds that were once there, could practically feel the material rubbing against his skin. He shivered when he remembered just how cold the cell was.

“And what happened next?”

"After a while, the door opened and Yurgin walked in with another man, a man we later found out to be Malcolm Jackson, former Pawnee Special Forces. I almost couldn’t believe my eyes at first. We all thought Jimmy was dead, but there he was. Right in front of me. He admitted everything to me. How he was behind the bombing at ICE Town, that he was in charge of the group and was behind the threats to Leslie. Then he told me that I was being used as leverage. That he had made some kind of proposition to Leslie and everyday she refused, I’d be punished.” The memory caused Ben’s back to throb. “I was...tortured for the next several days, each day worse than the one before. They wouldn’t stop until I screamed my throat raw. He wanted Leslie to hear me. To punish her by punishing me.”

“Did James Yurgin physically assault you?”

“Not directly, no. Jackson was the one, you know, beating me. But Yurgin told him what to do each time and when to stop.”

Ben looked up at Chris for the first time and noticed how much his story was upsetting him too, but he remained professional. “Then what happened?”

“I passed out that last day. Not sure for how long. I came to when Leslie and Jackson came to my cell. They helped me walk through the compound and we had made it to the mechanical room before the alarms sounded and we were locked inside. Leslie and Jackson went to try and reset the circuit breaker and get us out, but before they could, Yurgin found us. He shot Jackson and almost killed Leslie.”

Ben closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose as he tried to push the image of Yurgin holding Leslie in front of him with a gun to her head.

“He used Leslie as a human shield so I wouldn’t shoot him, and threatened to kill her himself. Andy arrived just in time and shot him before he could. That’s when we were rescued and brought back here.”

Chris nodded before looking down at his notes. “And Malcolm Jackson. What can you tell me about him?”

“We thought he was working for Yurgin at first, but he claimed and had evidence that he was there undercover. President Robert Knope sent him there to infiltrate the group ten years ago and gather as much information as possible. He’s the one that helped us escape and sent the message to Pawnee about our whereabouts. He had a flash drive around his neck when he died that contained information about the group and their plans, along with the names of those within our government who were on Yurgin’s payroll."

Chris stopped recording and gave Ben an encouraging smile. "I think that's all we need for now." He closed the notebook in his lap and laid a hand on Ben's shoulder. "I'm sure that must have been difficult for you, but we are very grateful for your cooperation and for your bravery. I can't tell you how happy I am that you're okay, friend."

Andy moved next to him and smiled. "Me too, Major Ben."

Even Trumple, with his intimidating demeanor, softened. "You did good, son. You have a very promising future ahead of you, Lieutenant Colonel."

Ben froze. His eyes widened and he looked up to find Trumple giving him a small smile. "You've earned it. More than earned it."

"But, sir, I really didn't-"

"Save it," Trumple held up his hand. "Just take the promotion and compliment. This country owes you a debt of gratitude. I know you're settled at the Border, but we could use you here at headquarters once you're cleared for duty if you're interested in moving to the Capital."

As if he could turn down an opportunity like that. This was everything he had been working for, and now that he had Leslie, there was no way he'd willingly go back to the Border and away from her.

Ben looked out of the window at Leslie, who despite her obvious worry at the interview taking so long, did her best to give him an encouraging smile.

He smiled back. "Sir, nothing would make me happier."

Three sets of handshakes and congratulations were passed around, Andy unable to contain his excitement that Ben would be moving to the Capital permanently.

"We'll keep you posted on the progression of the indictments," Chris said. "We're going to do everything we can to make sure they pay for what they've done."

Leslie jumped up from her chair when she saw them gathering their things to leave, lingering outside of the door just long enough to say her own goodbyes before running back to the room.

"How'd it go. Are you okay? What happened?"

Ben let out a deep breath as she sat down beside him, but even he was surprised when it was one of contentment and relief. "It went...okay, actually. I'm just glad it's over." He took her hand. "How was yours?"

"It was hard. But you were right. Having Andy in there with me and being able to still see you helped."

"That's good." He played with her fingers and did his best to suppress a smile. "There was some good news, though."

"Yeah? What's that?"

"It appears that you were right, as usual. Trumple just informed me that there were some openings at Intelligence here at the Capital, and he wanted to know if Lieutenant Colonel Ben Wyatt was interested."

Her head shot up and a wide grin split her face. "Are you serious?" He nodded and she wrapped her arms around his neck to pull him into a hug. "Oh my God, congratulations. Lieutenant Colonel. Wow." She pulled away and searched his face. "You--you’re gonna take it, right?”

“Already accepted.” He smiled and nudged her shoulder. “I hear there are a lot of perks of moving here.”

“Oh yeah? And what might those be?”

“Well, the number one thing has got to be the bigger office, for sure. Followed closely by your numerous public transportation options.”

She lightly punched him in the shoulder and actually giggled. It might have been the first time he’d heard her laugh in ages.

“Oh yeah, and there might be a certain President that lives here who I’m madly in love with. That’s a plus, too, I guess.”

“What a coincidence. I’ve heard that she’s got a thing for strapping Maj--Lieutenant Colonels. You might have a chance with her.”

“Well that’s good to know.”

“Did Trumple say when he wanted you to start?”

“As soon as I get cleared for active duty again, which might take a little while. But that’s okay. It’ll give me time to find a place and move the rest of my things and--”

“Move in with me,” she blurted out.

“What?”

“I want you to move in with me. I mean, it makes sense. We’ve been living together for the last few months anyway, and we love each other and it’ll be easier for both of us.”

He looked away from her and ran a hand behind his neck. “Leslie, are you sure this is something you really want? You might...you might not be thinking too clearly right now and are rushing into a decision. I just don’t want you to regret this.”

Her lower lip trembled. “Is it that you don’t want to live with me?”

“No! No, it’s not that at all. I know it might seem like we’re moving too fast, but I love you and our living together before just felt...right. But we’re both going through alot right now, and I don’t want this to tear us apart.”

She reached up and pulled him in for a soft kiss. “I understand what you’re saying, but I’m sure this is what I want. I know it’ll be hard, but we’re the only ones that really understand what the other is going through. And yes, I’ll admit a part of it is out of fear. I’m afraid of being alone, I’m afraid of waking up without you next to me and not knowing if you’re okay, but I’m afraid for you, too. We’re just better together than apart.” She laid her head on his shoulder. “Besides, the rent in this city is ridiculous.”

It was his turn to laugh, peering over at her. “Well, see, you should have started with that right there. That’s by far been your strongest argument. How can I say no to that?”

She twined her fingers with his, and he was once again amazed by how well they fit together. “We’re in this together, right?”

He brought their joined hands to his lips and held them to his chest.

“Together.”

~~~~~

He jerked awake when he heard her cry out in her sleep. He looked over with bleary eyes and saw her squirming next to him, clutching at the sheets with a tight fist.

It had been over a month since they were released from the hospital and started their transition back to “normal” life.

As if anything could ever really be the same again.

Leslie focused on working with Ron and catching up on everything that she had missed during her months away, while Ben worked on his physical recovery and getting settled in the Capital.

It hadn’t been easy for either of them. It took a lot just for the two of them to be able to be physically apart from one another, let alone tackle all of the other responsibilities that awaited them.

But they did what they had to do. It was almost too much at first, between the media frenzy at their return and coverage of the upcoming trials. It seemed like everyone wanted to hear their story, and talking was the last thing either wanted to do.

Thankfully, her staff stepped up, just like they always do. Ron still handled a lot of things as her proxy, and Donna took care of everything revolving around the press. Tom used his natural charm and charisma to quell any fears from foreign diplomats about the state of Pawnee and its leader, while April worked twice as hard to make sure Leslie’s life at work was a little easier. Ann stopped by almost daily to check up on both of their progress, making sure they were taking their meds and healing nicely.

The second week back, Leslie ended up making a National Address, something she couldn’t avoid no matter how much she wanted to, and spoke about Pawnee’s strength and solidarity and how they would not be shaken by what happened. They were stronger than Yurgin and his group, or anyone that wanted to come against them. The Pawnee way of life would never be taken away.

He was once again amazed by her. That she could stand up in front of the entire country and speak such eloquent words, be the face of strength and bravery when she was going through so much astounded him. He didn’t feel worthy standing at her side, but when she had finished and reached out to squeeze his hand, her smile so full of love and gratitude, it drove those thoughts from his mind.

Ben spent most of his time at the Capitol Building. Even though he wasn’t cleared to come back to work yet, he still did his best to remain useful. Sometimes that just meant being close to Leslie. It was easier for her to focus and stay calm if she knew he was nearby.

He never went back to the Border. Leslie couldn’t leave the Capital and there was no way that she would be able to cope with him being on the other side of the country. She was still getting used to having him on the other side of the building. To be honest, he probably wouldn’t survive a single night on his own. There was nothing left for him there, anyway. His future was here, with Leslie. He simply called a moving company and had them ship the rest of his few belongings to the Capital.

Moving in with Leslie was about as easy as they both thought it would be. It was familiar to them now. Things were far from perfect, they still fought over how much whipped cream occupying their fridge was too much, he still had to sneak vegetables into her food without her noticing, she had to consciously monitor her hoarding tendencies, but it worked. They were stronger together than they could ever be apart.

Unfortunately, nights like this were all too common for the both of them, the nightmares that wouldn’t allow them to sleep peacefully. She’d dream of finding him dead on that cell floor, he’d see Yurgin pull the trigger and watch Leslie die before his eyes.

She was whimpering his name in her sleep, and her eyes were squeezed tight, but that didn’t stop the few tears from seeping out of them.

He moved his hand to her shoulder and gently shook. “Shh, sweetheart, it’s okay. Wake up. It’s just a dream.”

It took a few more tries, but her eyes eventually flew open as she sat up quickly, frantically looking around the dark room until her eyes landed on him.

He was prepared when she threw herself into his arms in a fierce hug, choking back another sob as she tried to separate what was real from her nightmares. He could tell this one was bad by just how much she was shaking.

“It’s okay,” he said softly in her ear. “It’s okay. I’m here. I’ve got you.”

She kept whispering “you’re alive” to herself over and over again.

“You wanna talk about it?”

She shook her head and held onto him tighter. She’d tell him eventually, she almost always did. Dr. Nygard said talking about it outloud would help. Sometimes it did, but not always. There were some nightmares too dark to share with anyone else, some things the other person didn’t need the burden of knowing.

“When will they go away?”

He didn’t have an answer for her. Not a good one, at least. He had been asking himself that same question for twenty years, and the truth was that they won’t ever go away. Sure, they’d get better over time, but they'll never fully leave.

He stayed quiet except for the soft words of comfort he whispered into her ear, and she eventually calmed down a bit. He tried to coax her back to lying down on the bed with him, but she resisted.

“I can’t--I can’t go back to sleep right now.”

“Okay, you don’t have to. How about we try to find something to relax you. You want me to make you some tea?”

She made a face. “I don’t think I can stomach anything right now.”

“Alright. How about I draw you a warm bath. That usually helps, doesn’t it?”

Her eyes lit up briefly before a conflicted look crossed her face and she frowned. “You should go back to bed. I’ll be fine.”

She tried to look away but Ben tucked a finger under chin and turned her to face him. “Hey, we’ve talked about this, okay? No feeling guilty when it comes to nightmares. You stay with me when I wake you up, and I do it with you. We’re a team, right?”

“Yeah…”

“So if it’ll help, let me do this for you, okay?”

She bit her lip and agreed. “Thank you.”

He kissed her cheek before getting out of bed, extending his hand for her to follow him into the bathroom.

She sat unmoving on the toilet seat as he turned on the faucet and began filling to tub with hot water, adding a few drops of lavender bath oil that always seemed to calm her down.

As the water filled up, he started unbuttoning her pajama top and placed it on the sink before helping her stand. He kneeled and pulled down her bottoms, Leslie putting her hands on Ben’s shoulders to keep her balance as she stepped out of them.

Without missing a beat, he stripped out of his t-shirt and boxers, tossing them next to her clothes before turning off the tap and stepping into the warm water. He held out his hand and helped her slowly sit down in front of him.

“Thank you,” she said softly as her back rested against his chest. “I don’t want to be alone right now.”

“And I was in the mood for a bath with a beautiful lady. Looks like we both win,” he teased lightly and kissed her temple.

He moved one hand to her hip while the other softly stroked her upper thigh, and she closed her eyes with a sigh.

“I see his face every time I close my eyes,” she said softly. “I see him hurting you, I can feel him still holding that gun to my head. I just want it all to go away, but it’s always there. How were you able to handle it for so long?”

He thought about the scars on his wrists. “I almost didn’t. But you’re stronger than I ever was. It’s hard, and sometimes it feels like it’s impossible to keep going, but you can. I have you to help me, and you will always have me. It does eventually get better, I promise.”

They sat together like this for a while, neither saying a word. The bath was helping some, but Leslie’s body still felt a little tense. Ben moved his fingers from her hip and ran them along the length of her lower belly slowly while the hand on her thigh slowly moved upward. He started peppering kisses along her face and neck.

“I want to help you relax,” he said into her ear before taking the lobe between his teeth. “Is this okay? Can I make you feel good?”

Her breath hitched and she licked her lips. She stayed silent, only nodded slowly and leaned back fully against his chest.

The one hand moved even farther up her thigh while his other skimmed her ribcage on its way to her breast. Her back arched and the other breast not currently covered by his hand peaked out of the water.

He toyed with her for a little while, his fingers grazing over every inch of her skin that he could reach. His mouth attached itself to the curve of her shoulder as he circled her clit, his tongue on her skin mimicking the slow movements of his thumb.

When he slid two fingers inside of her, her mouth dropped open and her gasp was almost silent. One hand reached behind her to pull on his hair while the other gripped at the side of the tub. He kept his rhythm slow despite the insistent roll of her hips.

She was quiet tonight, her breathy moans and whimpers almost drowned out by the splashing of the water. But when he hit the perfect spot just right and her hand tightened in his hair, when his lips moved behind her ear and she bit her lip, he knew it was what she needed.

She didn’t make a sound when she came, but he had to bite back a groan when he felt her contract around his fingers. Her whole body tensed and nearly rose completely out of the water before falling limp against him. She was flushed and her chest was heaving, and he couldn’t get over how beautiful she was.

They sat there until the water grew cold, and Ben wrapped her in the fluffiest towel they owned. They climbed back into bed and curled around one another without bothering to redress.

“Better?” he asked, and she nodded before pressing a kiss to his chest.

“Yes, thank you.”

He tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and kissed her forehead. “I love you.”

He couldn’t see it, but he knew she was smiling. “I love you, too.”

They slept straight through until morning.

~~~~~

“Hey, babe, can you bring the flour back over here when you’re done?”

He went back to mixing his dough in the bowl at the kitchen counter as Leslie finished with her brownies.

“Yup.” She pulled out the wooden spoon and wiped a blob of batter off with her finger. “Oh, my God,” she moaned, “you’ve got to try this.”

She walked over with the flour in one hand and the spoon in the other. She put the bag down next to his mixing bowl and held out the spoon to him.

Instead of reaching out to get his own sample, he simply opened his mouth and never once stopped mixing.

“You’re the worst, you know that?” she said with a roll of her eyes but still smiled when Ben took her brownie coated finger in his mouth.

“Hmm,” he nodded in agreement, “that’s amazing. Just the right balance of chocolate and--” he smacked his lips, “do I detect a hint of Leslie extract? How’d you know that’s my favorite flavor?”

He laughed at his own lame joke and couldn’t blame her when she groaned and slapped his arm. “That was bad.”

“I know,” he shrugged, “but you love me anyway.”

She dabbed some brownie batter onto his nose and ran away with a cackle. Ben kept her laughter going by staring at the blob cross-eyed and attempting to flick it off with his tongue.

He found himself doing that often, trying to get her to laugh even if it was at his own expense. That sound didn’t come nearly as often as it used to, but he was doing everything in his power to make it a regular occurrence.

Her laughter didn’t die down until her batter was poured into the pan and put into the oven. She walked back over to his side of the kitchen and hopped onto the counter next to him.

“So, remind me again what you’re doing?” she asked with a skeptically raised eyebrow and legs swinging freely.

“I’m making a dessert calzone, which is basically the same as a pie.”

“If you say so, weirdo.”

“Trust me, when I’m finished with this, you’ll fully be in the dessert calzone camp.”

“I’m going on the record as being very doubtful of this endeavor. You should have just let me make a pie.”

He looked at her, offended. “Hey, these baking binges are always your idea, and I want to use this time now as a way to express my own creativity and broaden my horizons. That’s what this is all about, right?”

“I always thought it was about dessert.”

“You lack true vision.”

He heard that laugh again as she leaned back on the counter, watching him as he spread the flour on the surface where he planned on kneading the dough.

“You remember the first time we did this?” she asked in a wistful voice.

“Of course. I was forced into a confined space with the woman I had a huge crush on that also happened to be my boss, and try not to declare my love for her as she fed me brownie batter.”

“You kept getting flour in your hair.”

He put his mouth next to her ear. “I’ll let you in on a little secret,” he whispered. “After the first time, I did it on purpose just so you’d run your hands through it to get the flour out.”

“And here I thought you were just clumsy in the kitchen.”

He held up his flour-coated hands threateningly. “Clumsy? Clumsy, you say? Don’t make me show you how clumsy I can really be.”

She hopped off of the counter with a shriek and ran to the other side of the kitchen. “Benjamin Wyatt, don’t you dare. No!”

He lunged after her and she squealed when he branded her with two large, white handprints on her ass. He got a good grip around her waist as her laughter died down, planting kisses up and down her neck.

“No fair,” she whined. “You’re faster than me.”

“I invite you to come running with me in the mornings.”

“Yeah, like that’ll ever happen.”

She ran her hands through Ben’s hair as he continued his assault on her neck, and the both of them groaned when the phone rang.

Leslie started to walk towards the noise, and Ben refused to give up his hold her, instead choosing to shuffle along awkwardly behind her.

“Ben, I need to get that. It’s probably important.”

“No one’s stopping you,” he said against her skin.

He nipped at the juncture of her neck and shoulder just as she answered the phone, only winking when she stuck out her tongue in annoyance.

“Oh, hey, Chris, what’s up?”

At that, he pulled away and gave her a curious look, but she held up a finger as she listened to whatever Chris was saying.

It wasn’t long before she gripped Ben’s shirt and her knees nearly buckled, saying a quick thank you before hanging up.

“What’s wrong? Les, what happened? What did Chris want?”

With every second that passed without an answer he grew more worried, especially when she turned and hid her face in his chest. He almost picked up the phone to call Chris himself when she started crying, but she pulled away with a smile on her face. They were tears of relief, not sadness.

“It’s over. It’s finally over.”

“Wait, you mean--”

“Guilty on all charges. Life without the possibility of parole.”

He almost couldn’t believe it. He stared at her, dumbfounded, not quite knowing how to feel. After everything he had put them through, after twenty years of being tortured by his memory, Ben had the satisfaction of knowing James Yurgin would spend the rest of his life behind bars.

She crashed into him again, and they held each other in the middle of their kitchen for what felt like hours. There were tears now from the both of them as the weight of everything seemed to lift from their shoulders. The weight of not knowing, the fear that any moment something could go wrong and he’d be let go, it was all gone.

“He can’t hurt us anymore,” she said. It was a declaration, but also a reassurance, a reminder against the inevitable moments of fear and doubt that were going to come.

“Never,” he murmured. “Never again.”

She pulled back and lifted her hands to his cheeks. “Thank you,” she said before kissing him. “Thank you for everything you’ve done. The only good thing he ever did was bring you into my life. I just wish it could have happened some other way.”

He knew that feeling. He often fantasized about what it might have been like between the two of them if this had never happened. How many other infinite scenarios that could have ended with them together. But in the end, this was their reality. It wasn’t perfect, not by a long shot, but it was all they had.

She sighed. “I almost don’t know what we’re supposed to do now. It’s been a part of us for so long.”

The oven timer went off just then, and all he could think about was the normalcy of their current situation. Only moments ago, they were laughing in their kitchen as though there wasn’t a care in the world.

Everything Yurgin tried to do to them failed. They were stronger than their experiences, and while they definitely shaped who they were, they weren’t going to let it control where they were going.

He kissed her again. Kissed her with every ounce of love he could muster.

“Now, we live.”

parks and recreation, fanfic, dictator au

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