Set phasers to stunning! (McCoy/Kirk, R)
Title: Set phasers to stunning!
Fandom & Pairing: Star Trek Reboot (aka AOS, ST XI, etc.), McCoy/Kirk
Rating: R
Warnings/Enticements: none
Genre: humour
Word Count: Around 2200
Beta: unbetaed, please point out errors
Summary: Written in response to the Shirtless Kirk cologne ad, found by verhalten and linked on jim_and_bones. All those semi-buttoned Karl pix at jim_and_bones also played a role.
Bones' reaction when he finds out that a cologne has been launched in Jim's name.
Jim lies sprawled across Leonard’s hotel bed, idly flicking through video channels with the remote. Leonard isn’t at all sure why his captain is here. They are recently arrived on Risa for shore leave and he would have expected Jim to be leading the charge into the bars and brothels of the pleasure planet. Instead he is lounging here shooting the breeze with Bones.
Leonard knows exactly why he is holed up in his hotel room with Jim. Despite living and working together in close quarters he gets to see far less of his friend than he did back at the Academy. Everyone wants a piece of Kirk, the crew, the brass, the diplomatic guests. And the paperwork required to keep the Enterprise afloat in space is extraordinary. Even when the two men have time together alone, one or both of them is normally fiddling with a padd.
As long as the two of them are here, Leonard has Jim all to himself, if just for a few precious minutes.
“Look Bones, I’ve found an earth channel.”
Leonard breaks away from his covert regard of his friend to look up at the screen. As he does so an advert begins to play. A camera pans lovingly up a ripped male torso and a logo appears on the screen. Jim suddenly jumps up, abruptly turning the vid screen off. “Time to get out and about Bones, find a bar, get us some girls, this is Risa, what are we holed up in a hotel room for?”
“Jim, what was that? Something about shirtless Kirk?”
“Nothing Bones, I’ve no idea what you’re talking about, c’mon, let’s go!”
Leonard has already grabbed his padd and entered the catchphrase that he thought he saw on the screen. He hits paydirt immediately with the very first of about 990,100 results. Up pops what is presumably the print version of the vid advert that they have just seen. Shirtless Kirk cologne for men, it proclaims, over a male torso tinted command gold that runs from below to the belly button to the bottom of the chin.
He waves the padd at his captain. “Jim, what the hell is this?”
Jim lunges for the padd but Leonard dodges, putting the bed between them. “Set phasers to stunning!” Leonard boggles at the strap line. “Set phasers to stunning? Dammit Jim, what the fuck have you been up to?”
“It’s not my fault.” Jim has his arms crossed defensively over his chest and is beginning to pout.
“So you do know something about this?” Leonard demands.
“I was approached by the Starfleet spouses and orphans fund. They wanted to do a special fundraiser after the catastrophe of the Battle of Vulcan. Their PR people thought that a cologne would sell well. What would I know? I just said yes, do whatever they want. I didn’t see the packaging until it was already on sale.”
“Well I should hope not,” retorts Leonard, who is now reading the text that goes on the back of the box. “Dear god in the morning, who writes this stuff?” He assumes his best Shakespearean actor pose and declaims: “Sometimes the only thing standing between you and a successful mission is a thin piece of cloth. Whether in battle or love, you know the shirt is simply... optional.” He is gasping with laughter. “Well, good to know that our three years of Academy training were apparently utterly useless. All we needed to do was put on command shirts and then rip them off again!”
Jim makes another futile grab for the padd but Leonard dances away, putting the bed between them once again. “And there's more! Listen to this bit. Sure, it’s part of the Required Uniform-made to command respect and a symbol of strength and honor; but it’s your flesh and blood barely contained within that command gold officer’s attire that make you exactly who and what you are. That is you alright Jim, only too keen to fall out of your clothes at the slightest excuse!”
Jim stares defiantly back at him, failing to hide his discomfort. “They tell me that it's selling really well, that it’s their top money-maker right now.”
“Well I bet it is, with that set of abs on display!” Leonard now looks more closely at the photograph of the box. “Hey, that’s not your stomach! I know that you’re a good-looking boy Jim but even you aren’t ripped like that. You used a body double for your own stomach!”
“There’s nothing wrong with my stomach,” Jim retorts.
“That’s not what I said, I just said that this photo isn’t it!” And Leonard suddenly pounces, pulling Jim down onto the bed under him and trying to grab his shirt. A rapid struggle follows which Jim should win because he has combat training but he’s not willing to use his full strength against his friend and besides Leonard knows where his ticklish spots are.
After a few minutes Leonard is sitting firmly astride Jim’s thighs with Jim’s shirt pushed up into his armpits and the doctor is crowing with satisfaction as he points at the other man’s torso.
“Not exactly rippling waves of muscle, is it Jimmy boy? One too many diplomatic dinners don’t you think? One too many sessions of paperwork instead of working out in the gym. Getting soft now that you have an entire security team to fight on your behalf?”
Jim is wriggling indignantly under him as Leonard pokes fingers in various bits of his abdomen. “And look at these, Jim!” Leonard grabs the flesh that sits above Jim’s hip bones and squeezes. “Love handles! Aren’t you a little young for these? Or do the girls like having something to get a grip on? No more waffles and syrup for you, young man! Fruit and bran all the way after this.”
Jim makes a more determined effort to unseat Leonard and the doctor ends up virtually lying on top of him to keep him in place. He is trying to keep Jim’s arms pinned with one hand while feeling up his chest with the other. “Not exactly pecs of steel, are they Jim? There’s a bit of wobble here, a trace of a man boob perhaps? Although I’m glad to see that you haven’t actually had the Starfleet insignia tattooed onto your chest.”
With a sudden move Jim manages to flip them over. He rips open Leonard’s shirt, which is only half-buttoned anyway, as usual, and points accusingly at his chest. “You have no room to talk Bones. This is hardly a field of toned muscle. There is more than a bit of wobble going on.” Jim has both of his large warm hands on Leonard’s stomach and he is vibrating them across his skin.
“But I’m not the one who needs a tummy double for his own damned advertisement!” Leonard declares laughing, trying to wriggle away from those agile hands. “I’m not the one who gets his shirt ripped half off on every damned away mission just so that his red-shirts can admire the view. Or are you being paid to do that by the promoters? Increase the sales of Shirtless Kirk on every new planet that you conquer with your winning charm and buffed abs?”
He is now hiccupping with laughter. “Is this Starfleet’s new strategy now that the fleet is under strength? We’ve going to win over the galaxy planet by planet with your abdomen as our prime weapon and your cologne as the natives’ reward for good behaviour?”
“Oh very funny Bones. And this from the man who can’t keep a shirt done up the moment he is out of uniform. I swear that your buttons undo themselves. The minute you wander into the rec room when you’re off duty, every eye goes to your chest. You’re worse than a girl for showing off cleavage!”
Leonard looks up at him, his beautiful hazel eyes sparkling with tears of laughter. “Why Jimmy darlin’, have you been staring down my shirt front?”
And the only answer for that kind of impertinence is to pin Bones with his hands pushed up above his head. Leonard jerks up hard to try and dislodge him and they both freeze. Jim looks mortified and Leonard briefly wonders whether to be embarrassed. But no sane man could resist the opportunity.
“Oh baby,” Leonard declares in a slow deep drawl. “Is that your phaser set to stunning?”
And really, Jim has no choice but to grind down hard in retaliation and Leonard’s laughter gets kind of breathy and his head is thrown back exposing that beautiful column of throat and Jim didn’t get where he is today without grabbing life’s unexpected opportunities. He bites down hard and then sucks and Leonard bucks up and it seems that Jim isn’t the only one packing a phaser in his pants.
“Jesus Bones,” Jim pants against his neck. “Why did it take us this long to get down to this?”
“I don’t know, Jim, maybe you were too busy sleeping your way through the Academy and I was too busy mourning my marriage. Maybe you needed to grow up and I needed to get over myself. Maybe you never damned well asked me!” Leonard smirks at him. “Or maybe I’d never seen you in quite that light before encountering that sexy ad of yours!”
Jim shuts him up by sticking his tongue into that gabbling mouth.
For many long minutes the conversation is lost is a tussle of tongues and hands and hot mouths dragging over soft skin. Leonard wrestles Jim’s shirt off and runs his hands down the long torso, following his fingers with his tongue. “I like your tummy better Jim, and they missed the best bit anyway - this gorgeous treasure trail than runs down from your belly button.” Leonard is tonguing the trail while his hands fiddle to undo Jim’s belt.
And then Leonard’s being kept very satisfyingly quiet by having him mouth filled with Jim’s cock and Jim realizes that lying as they are he can easily return the favour. All conversation stops in favour of heavy breathing and moist slurping and muted moaning.
At last the two men lie together panting, shirtless, pants pushed down to their thighs.
“Well, if that is my first conquest based on Shirtless Kirk cologne, I’m going to count it a roaring success!” Jim declares with a cocky grin.
Leonard’s smile fades. “Sharing is not really my thing, Jim,” he says slowly. “Either this is one extraordinary day together and then you head off to conquer the galaxy, or I’m the first and last conquest that Shirtless Kirk makes.”
Jim stares at him thoughtfully for a long moment. He hadn’t woken up this morning planning on monogamy but isn’t that what he is famous for, seizing opportunities, leaping before he looks? “Oh well, I guess the boys and girls of the galaxy will just have to weep their tears of longing into my bottles of cologne. Because it seems like I’m off the market!”
And the way that Leonard’s smile lights up the room is all the reward that Jim could ever ask for.
To cover his reaction Leonard grabs the padd again and scrolls through some of the other entries. He starts laughing once more. “Dammit Jim, your cologne is the biggest black market seller into the Klingon empire. Even the Klingons are contributing to the Starfleet fund! I can just see it. There you are, facing off against some Klingon commander, and there he is telling you that you are doing to die like the dirty Federation dog that you are, but oh, by the way, before he knocks you off, he’s having some problems with his supply of Shirtless Kirk and do you happen to have any bottles with you?”
Jim is smiling again but he still looks uneasy about it all.
Leonard turns to his captain and gently cups Jim’s chin in his hand. “Jim, you are beautiful and brave and generous and raising funds for Starfleet orphans is a good, good thing. And your tummy is much nicer than some underweight dehydrated abdomen model. You are a mighty fine man Jim.”
Leonard leans in and kisses him gently on the lips. And then he grins wickedly.
“But you are going to have to get used to the teasing. Can you imagine what Pike is going to say in your next briefing call?”
Jim buries his face in his hands and groans.
- THE END -
Although apropos anytime, Shirtless Kirk Cologne for Men is best worn as an evening fragrance, containing clean citrus topnotes and a heavy earth finish.
Available from August 2010. You can order here
Or check out Tiberius Cologne, Pon Farr perfume or Red Shirt Cologne.
Should you feel the need to examine Chris Pine's chest for purposes of comparison, go here and scroll down. You need to be a member of the comm but they are a friendly bunch (if a bit obsessed with Karl's button problem).
Fandom & Pairing: Star Trek Reboot (aka AOS, ST XI, etc.), McCoy/Kirk
Rating: R
Warnings/Enticements: none
Genre: humour
Word Count: Around 2200
Beta: unbetaed, please point out errors
Summary: Written in response to the Shirtless Kirk cologne ad, found by verhalten and linked on jim_and_bones. All those semi-buttoned Karl pix at jim_and_bones also played a role.
Bones' reaction when he finds out that a cologne has been launched in Jim's name.
Jim lies sprawled across Leonard’s hotel bed, idly flicking through video channels with the remote. Leonard isn’t at all sure why his captain is here. They are recently arrived on Risa for shore leave and he would have expected Jim to be leading the charge into the bars and brothels of the pleasure planet. Instead he is lounging here shooting the breeze with Bones.
Leonard knows exactly why he is holed up in his hotel room with Jim. Despite living and working together in close quarters he gets to see far less of his friend than he did back at the Academy. Everyone wants a piece of Kirk, the crew, the brass, the diplomatic guests. And the paperwork required to keep the Enterprise afloat in space is extraordinary. Even when the two men have time together alone, one or both of them is normally fiddling with a padd.
As long as the two of them are here, Leonard has Jim all to himself, if just for a few precious minutes.
“Look Bones, I’ve found an earth channel.”
Leonard breaks away from his covert regard of his friend to look up at the screen. As he does so an advert begins to play. A camera pans lovingly up a ripped male torso and a logo appears on the screen. Jim suddenly jumps up, abruptly turning the vid screen off. “Time to get out and about Bones, find a bar, get us some girls, this is Risa, what are we holed up in a hotel room for?”
“Jim, what was that? Something about shirtless Kirk?”
“Nothing Bones, I’ve no idea what you’re talking about, c’mon, let’s go!”
Leonard has already grabbed his padd and entered the catchphrase that he thought he saw on the screen. He hits paydirt immediately with the very first of about 990,100 results. Up pops what is presumably the print version of the vid advert that they have just seen. Shirtless Kirk cologne for men, it proclaims, over a male torso tinted command gold that runs from below to the belly button to the bottom of the chin.
He waves the padd at his captain. “Jim, what the hell is this?”
Jim lunges for the padd but Leonard dodges, putting the bed between them. “Set phasers to stunning!” Leonard boggles at the strap line. “Set phasers to stunning? Dammit Jim, what the fuck have you been up to?”
“It’s not my fault.” Jim has his arms crossed defensively over his chest and is beginning to pout.
“So you do know something about this?” Leonard demands.
“I was approached by the Starfleet spouses and orphans fund. They wanted to do a special fundraiser after the catastrophe of the Battle of Vulcan. Their PR people thought that a cologne would sell well. What would I know? I just said yes, do whatever they want. I didn’t see the packaging until it was already on sale.”
“Well I should hope not,” retorts Leonard, who is now reading the text that goes on the back of the box. “Dear god in the morning, who writes this stuff?” He assumes his best Shakespearean actor pose and declaims: “Sometimes the only thing standing between you and a successful mission is a thin piece of cloth. Whether in battle or love, you know the shirt is simply... optional.” He is gasping with laughter. “Well, good to know that our three years of Academy training were apparently utterly useless. All we needed to do was put on command shirts and then rip them off again!”
Jim makes another futile grab for the padd but Leonard dances away, putting the bed between them once again. “And there's more! Listen to this bit. Sure, it’s part of the Required Uniform-made to command respect and a symbol of strength and honor; but it’s your flesh and blood barely contained within that command gold officer’s attire that make you exactly who and what you are. That is you alright Jim, only too keen to fall out of your clothes at the slightest excuse!”
Jim stares defiantly back at him, failing to hide his discomfort. “They tell me that it's selling really well, that it’s their top money-maker right now.”
“Well I bet it is, with that set of abs on display!” Leonard now looks more closely at the photograph of the box. “Hey, that’s not your stomach! I know that you’re a good-looking boy Jim but even you aren’t ripped like that. You used a body double for your own stomach!”
“There’s nothing wrong with my stomach,” Jim retorts.
“That’s not what I said, I just said that this photo isn’t it!” And Leonard suddenly pounces, pulling Jim down onto the bed under him and trying to grab his shirt. A rapid struggle follows which Jim should win because he has combat training but he’s not willing to use his full strength against his friend and besides Leonard knows where his ticklish spots are.
After a few minutes Leonard is sitting firmly astride Jim’s thighs with Jim’s shirt pushed up into his armpits and the doctor is crowing with satisfaction as he points at the other man’s torso.
“Not exactly rippling waves of muscle, is it Jimmy boy? One too many diplomatic dinners don’t you think? One too many sessions of paperwork instead of working out in the gym. Getting soft now that you have an entire security team to fight on your behalf?”
Jim is wriggling indignantly under him as Leonard pokes fingers in various bits of his abdomen. “And look at these, Jim!” Leonard grabs the flesh that sits above Jim’s hip bones and squeezes. “Love handles! Aren’t you a little young for these? Or do the girls like having something to get a grip on? No more waffles and syrup for you, young man! Fruit and bran all the way after this.”
Jim makes a more determined effort to unseat Leonard and the doctor ends up virtually lying on top of him to keep him in place. He is trying to keep Jim’s arms pinned with one hand while feeling up his chest with the other. “Not exactly pecs of steel, are they Jim? There’s a bit of wobble here, a trace of a man boob perhaps? Although I’m glad to see that you haven’t actually had the Starfleet insignia tattooed onto your chest.”
With a sudden move Jim manages to flip them over. He rips open Leonard’s shirt, which is only half-buttoned anyway, as usual, and points accusingly at his chest. “You have no room to talk Bones. This is hardly a field of toned muscle. There is more than a bit of wobble going on.” Jim has both of his large warm hands on Leonard’s stomach and he is vibrating them across his skin.
“But I’m not the one who needs a tummy double for his own damned advertisement!” Leonard declares laughing, trying to wriggle away from those agile hands. “I’m not the one who gets his shirt ripped half off on every damned away mission just so that his red-shirts can admire the view. Or are you being paid to do that by the promoters? Increase the sales of Shirtless Kirk on every new planet that you conquer with your winning charm and buffed abs?”
He is now hiccupping with laughter. “Is this Starfleet’s new strategy now that the fleet is under strength? We’ve going to win over the galaxy planet by planet with your abdomen as our prime weapon and your cologne as the natives’ reward for good behaviour?”
“Oh very funny Bones. And this from the man who can’t keep a shirt done up the moment he is out of uniform. I swear that your buttons undo themselves. The minute you wander into the rec room when you’re off duty, every eye goes to your chest. You’re worse than a girl for showing off cleavage!”
Leonard looks up at him, his beautiful hazel eyes sparkling with tears of laughter. “Why Jimmy darlin’, have you been staring down my shirt front?”
And the only answer for that kind of impertinence is to pin Bones with his hands pushed up above his head. Leonard jerks up hard to try and dislodge him and they both freeze. Jim looks mortified and Leonard briefly wonders whether to be embarrassed. But no sane man could resist the opportunity.
“Oh baby,” Leonard declares in a slow deep drawl. “Is that your phaser set to stunning?”
And really, Jim has no choice but to grind down hard in retaliation and Leonard’s laughter gets kind of breathy and his head is thrown back exposing that beautiful column of throat and Jim didn’t get where he is today without grabbing life’s unexpected opportunities. He bites down hard and then sucks and Leonard bucks up and it seems that Jim isn’t the only one packing a phaser in his pants.
“Jesus Bones,” Jim pants against his neck. “Why did it take us this long to get down to this?”
“I don’t know, Jim, maybe you were too busy sleeping your way through the Academy and I was too busy mourning my marriage. Maybe you needed to grow up and I needed to get over myself. Maybe you never damned well asked me!” Leonard smirks at him. “Or maybe I’d never seen you in quite that light before encountering that sexy ad of yours!”
Jim shuts him up by sticking his tongue into that gabbling mouth.
For many long minutes the conversation is lost is a tussle of tongues and hands and hot mouths dragging over soft skin. Leonard wrestles Jim’s shirt off and runs his hands down the long torso, following his fingers with his tongue. “I like your tummy better Jim, and they missed the best bit anyway - this gorgeous treasure trail than runs down from your belly button.” Leonard is tonguing the trail while his hands fiddle to undo Jim’s belt.
And then Leonard’s being kept very satisfyingly quiet by having him mouth filled with Jim’s cock and Jim realizes that lying as they are he can easily return the favour. All conversation stops in favour of heavy breathing and moist slurping and muted moaning.
At last the two men lie together panting, shirtless, pants pushed down to their thighs.
“Well, if that is my first conquest based on Shirtless Kirk cologne, I’m going to count it a roaring success!” Jim declares with a cocky grin.
Leonard’s smile fades. “Sharing is not really my thing, Jim,” he says slowly. “Either this is one extraordinary day together and then you head off to conquer the galaxy, or I’m the first and last conquest that Shirtless Kirk makes.”
Jim stares at him thoughtfully for a long moment. He hadn’t woken up this morning planning on monogamy but isn’t that what he is famous for, seizing opportunities, leaping before he looks? “Oh well, I guess the boys and girls of the galaxy will just have to weep their tears of longing into my bottles of cologne. Because it seems like I’m off the market!”
And the way that Leonard’s smile lights up the room is all the reward that Jim could ever ask for.
To cover his reaction Leonard grabs the padd again and scrolls through some of the other entries. He starts laughing once more. “Dammit Jim, your cologne is the biggest black market seller into the Klingon empire. Even the Klingons are contributing to the Starfleet fund! I can just see it. There you are, facing off against some Klingon commander, and there he is telling you that you are doing to die like the dirty Federation dog that you are, but oh, by the way, before he knocks you off, he’s having some problems with his supply of Shirtless Kirk and do you happen to have any bottles with you?”
Jim is smiling again but he still looks uneasy about it all.
Leonard turns to his captain and gently cups Jim’s chin in his hand. “Jim, you are beautiful and brave and generous and raising funds for Starfleet orphans is a good, good thing. And your tummy is much nicer than some underweight dehydrated abdomen model. You are a mighty fine man Jim.”
Leonard leans in and kisses him gently on the lips. And then he grins wickedly.
“But you are going to have to get used to the teasing. Can you imagine what Pike is going to say in your next briefing call?”
Jim buries his face in his hands and groans.
- THE END -
Although apropos anytime, Shirtless Kirk Cologne for Men is best worn as an evening fragrance, containing clean citrus topnotes and a heavy earth finish.
Available from August 2010. You can order here
Or check out Tiberius Cologne, Pon Farr perfume or Red Shirt Cologne.
Should you feel the need to examine Chris Pine's chest for purposes of comparison, go here and scroll down. You need to be a member of the comm but they are a friendly bunch (if a bit obsessed with Karl's button problem).