Retraining Diary: Inappropriate Responses to Anger.
So. I have an anger problem.
More specifically, my responses to other people being angry or upset with me leave a lot to be desired. The major inappropriate responses include:
1) Simple obedience. An attempt to immediately adjust my behavior to conform with the expectations of the person who is upset with me.
I tend to adept this behavior when I feel the person giving criticism is someone I have a reason to please. This is usually because they're either someone I care about personally -- an S.O. or good friend -- or because they're in a position of authority over me in some sort of project -- they're my boss, my director in a play, etc. This is appropriate in some situations -- the aforementioned director in a play -- but not in all.
2) Accepting guilt and blame. I internalize the other person's upset, and feel like a terrible person for having done something to make them wroth.
Note that this is very, very different from response 1 -- I can do 1 and not 2, 2 and not 1, both, or neither. It is, in fact, a little more like in cases where I can't do 1, either because I'm lacking the capabilities, or I don't understand what I've done wrong. This is a response only to people I have a strong emotional investment in.
3) Withdrawing. Either physically, or emotionally. Blatantly or subtly, I pull out of the situation and ignore its ramifications, at least until later.
This is an "I can't deal any more" response, again when I'm in danger of being emotionally hurt, or conforming into doing something that I know is a bad idea. Usually manifests as getting quiet as evasive. In its worse forms, can result in evasive agreements that sound good, but actually are just to get me away from the other person. Mostly comes up when I'm overwhelmed. Affects people I'm not in some sort of ongoing interaction/relationship with more often, but not exclusively.
4) Getting Angry.
Least common of all, and another "I can't take it any more" response -- mostly due to large amounts of Response Number 2. This, for me, also tends to be a delayed response -- I don't so much get upset in the moment and lash back, as I get "primed" -- prepared to be defensive, to defend my choices, my actions, not necessarily as the best course, but as being in accord with a set of principles that aren't poor -- self-direction being the last of those, the intellectual's version of "because I said so, damnit!"
Due to my own fears around expressing anger -- largely my ingrained sense that expressing anger is more likely to make my goals impossible than more achievable -- I usually try to go "trigger" myself when I'm primed like that -- spring my own trap, so I'm not snapping at other people, people who don't deserve it. Which basically puts me in the place of spinning my wheels. I have an instinct, it burns energy, but it's set to do nothing rather than doing something I perceive as destructive. At least, when I catch it. :'6
So. That's a lot of observations. How to move forward?
Well, right now I'm attempting a Brute Force approach to mediating response 1: if I have something I want, and the other person has something they want, and we can't just find a solution that satisfies both, I'm attempting to split the difference. It's clunky, and it's not making anybody happy yet, but it's at least something different. Hopefully this protoeffect will help lead to something more balanced.
I'm also attempting to circle back more -- which is mediating the "withdraw" response. Make the pulling back more explicit, but trying to actually come back to the problem. Usually in a different medium...written is a lot easier for me, due to the ability to have more thinking time, to phrase things a little better, and to not confront emotions head on. On the other hand, the "more thinking time" can result in not actually ever getting around to addressing the issue. Oops. Maybe setting deadlines for myself? That's logistics-y, and thus not the path of least resistance. Perhaps I need a specific place to put "unresolved issues" and a weekly time to go back and visit them. This might be a good use for a "day of rest."
Response 2, Taking Blame...well, more self-confidence may help. This is also something that really only is inspired by very few people. Working on relationship facets with those specific individuals might help. mostly, though, this is something I don't have a good way to deal with, other than attempting to shuffle to the other responses -- and then try to mediate and make more functional those other responses.
so yeah. I have some stuff to work with. Now I just need to work with it.