Realization About Poly

[zebediah]

Something just gelled in my brain. I know it's not a new realization, but it feels important

Comments

[rigel]

"Poly means acknowledging jealousy, loss, and differences in wants, and working with or around them so that the people in your relationship constellation can be happy. And it often means trying things that don't work, and, in an ideal world, rolling back and trying something else instead until you find something that does."

This sounds like what we've been doing for years. :)

[zebediah]

Is the contents of this post something that you also agree with, then, or something that you think applies in our particular case? From the conversations we've been having, I got the strong impression that you think autonomy is more important than happiness or wellbeing.

[rigel]

Huh. Do you mind my asking (possibly after Intercon) which conversations?

I'm not sure I think of either autonomy or well-being as more important than one another.

If you feel I've been putting either of our autonomy over the others' happiness or well-being, I'd like to know. *hug*

[randysmith]

I certainly agree with you, though I'm not sure how you might be violating this. Expecting the people you're involved with to not have jealousy, or feel loss, or want different things? Or holding yourself to those unreasonable standards?

[rigel]

Thank you for this very useful question!

[nakor]

Love means acknowledging jealousy, loss, and differences in wants, and working with or around them so that the people with whom you share relationships can be happy.

Life means acknowledging jealousy, loss, and differences, and working with or around them so that people---you and others---can be happy.

[nevacaruso]

(Disclaimer: most of my experience with polyamory is secondhand.)

But, yeah, agreed. Jealousy, loss, and clashing desires are part of being human, no matter what kinds of, and how many, relationships the humans in question are involved in.

[ratatosk]

There's an article on jealousy written by a friend of friends that you might find interesting (link is to a PDF).