(no subject)
I need to figure out a way to get over this little problem of time.
The problem? I get attached. And don't ever unattach myself. I've been gone from my ex's life for over a year now. OVER A YEAR. Any yet still every once and a while I'll think about her, I'll dream about her...and I just can't seem to get over her. Despite the fact that she's been with the guy she left me for over a year now. And they are planning weddings and honeymoons already. And I'm long gone.
When I read about wedding/honeymoon/etc my heart sank, my stomach turned. I felt sick, dizzy...my head was spinning. And I don't even know why! She hasn't been an active part of my life for so long. She shouldn't mean this much to me. I shouldn't be able to not get over her! I've had two girlfriends since her. Why will she not leave?
And what's worse: the other two girlfriends? Yeah, still attached to them.
The next girlfriend was, well...iono. I can't describe the relationship. We were happy a lot, and we were miserable alot. We had a lot of sex...at times I think that's all our relationship was about. But I can remember just as many happy times without it. Hell, the things she's said about me, even recently, make it seem like it wasn't all about sex.
We recently tried to restart things with us. And that ended horribly. One day we'd be happy, the next day she'd be pissed at me...only to be happy with me again two days later. We both just exploded on each other. Despite the fact that, well, while she was still with her ex she confessed her love for me and we started having sex again. Iono, I feel really bad about it. I just wasn't thinking. I felt so alone, and unloved...just to have someone be happy with me...i'd do anything. Even if it meant i would become something I always have despised. And I despised mself for it, I hated myself for it, but I couldn't stop.
Sure, I hate the guy, but he doesn't deserve anything like that :(.
And then there is the most recent ex. I fell for her. I fell hard. Too quickly. I was way into her. She was funny, smart, cute...she was everything I thought I needed in my life. I looked at her like she was a gift to me after all the crap I had to go through the last year. It was finally a shining light in my life. I was like "Finally...this is the one!"
And, of course, it wasn't. A week after, she left me to go back to her boyfriend. And even though deep down inside I still had a lot of feelings for Marianne...I had almost equal feelings for this new lost love. I don't deny an of the feelings I had for her. They wre all true, they were all strong, and to this day I still can't deny them.
Recently, after me and Jessie decided that a relationship wasn't going to work again, she broke up with her boyfriend (you know, the one she dumped me for!). I was like...wow. That's a major coincidence. I end something, then she ends something. And then she started talking to me again. We were talking nice, friendly...I was constnatly reminded of all the things that made me fall for her the first time around. I was falling for her again.
She told me she just needed a friend, so I tried to be there for her whenever I could. And, well...it turns out she didn't need me all that often. We talked at work, for a little bit. We talked online twice: once the night she broke up with him and once about a week later when she asked me some things about why breaking up was hard.
Maybe, well...maybe she just flat-out did need a friend, and I divulged a little too much information about how I felt for her.
Which, in itself, is a problem.
How can I keep falling for girls, and never getting over them. I can think of so many girls that I've had feelings for, and of course nothing comes from them (because in the end, no matter what, nothing ever does), and yet to this day I still feel for them. I can't seem to ever get over anyone.
How can I have all these feelings for so many people? Why can't I get over anyone? And why can't I just find one person who I love and who loves me?
One is getting married, one doesn't want anything to do with me, one is happily in a relationship, the other I don't know if she even cared about me, if i was nothing more than a close friend to, and another who, truthfully, I can't make heads or tails of.
And yet, for each of these girls, I feel something. Why can't I get over any of them? Why do I torture myself with all these feelings? Why can't I just be the stereotypical guy who doesn't have feelings. I hate this, I hate all these fucking feelings.
Like...I have two wonderful parents who love me. I have a house that I don't have to worry about losing. I have a job, but that's just to have spending money...I don't NEED it to survive. From the outside...there aren't any problems in my life.
School has been going good...but lately I've just been mentally out of it. I am putting off assignments I need to be doing, I can't concentrate on school work...I can't force myself to do what I NEED to be doing.
My mind is a massive jumble. I can't think straight. All I ever seem to think about is, well....all of them. One day it's one, one day it's another.
And it's not that I want all of them. Or that I really want a specific one in particular. I know I can think of a certain one where I'd like to just get back togehter with and I think I would be happier...(though, she doesn't seem to want anything to do with me at times...most times...).
I see all these people in school and at work who are successful in their relationships. People who are (happily) married...people with boyfriends/girlfriends that they LIVE with... I don't know why I cant have the same success. And I don't know why I can't just get over all of my lost loves.
Too many feelings. That is my problem. I fall too quickly, too hard, and when I don't need to. I fell for Mariane (yes, with 1 N, not the double-n from above). Hard, fast, and deep. I thought she was perfect for me. And, well, I ruined that. And to this very day I'm still not over her. I see her at work and I remembmer all the feelings I had, and still have, for her.
And then I'll read a blog about another ex and my heart sinks b/c she is talking about getting married to the man she left me for.
I have too many feelings. I give out my feelings to easily, I can't seem to keep them inside me. I always seem to direct them to someone, something...I can't seem to just be happy with myself.
I think it's because I really just don't like myself. I feel like Randal from clerks at times. I hate everybody...and everything just seems stupid to me.
And it's true. I really just flat-out seem to despise the general public. I literally have lost faith in humanity. Sure, I have low self esteem...but then I go and think I am better/smarter than everyone. And it might be true...I see all these anti-gay-marriage people, I see all these Pro-Bush people...I see the FOX news network...and I realize that yes, I am smarter than a lot of people. But I'm not better.
Why? Because they like themselves. I don't even like me. I hate me. I hate what I have become. I hate how cynical I am. I am degrading to people, I am angry all the time. I constnatly just think less of people. What kind of person is that? I put down others opinions when I think/know they are wrong...
Sure, I'm smart. But do I do anything important with my life? No, I sit around playing games, playing magic, playing counterstrike... I have a job that I hate. Three days a week I go to a job that I hate. Why? Because I"m too lazy to find a job that would pay better.
I'm incredibly lazy.
I literally just hate myself. I wish I could change, become better. Become someone who people actually like and accept. There was a time at work where I literally thought everyone hated me. I am never invited anywhere by anyone...
I hate people because they don't like me and they don't like me because I hate people. It's a horrid circle. I was pretty much abused all my life by other people. I rarely had friends, I was the kid everyone picked on for really no reason. And because of this I really just distrust people. And because of this, I tend to be cold and annoying and assholish. And because of this, people don't like me. And I can't stop. I don't know how!
I wish I could change. I'd love to be someone else....someone who likes themselves. Someone who has faith in humanity. Someone who can love, but not fall in love beyond help. I love some people, and they don't love me.
I want to be with people who don't want me at all. And I don't know how to get over people. I can't, it's like a horrible bad habit. Why can't I get over them? I want to. I need to. For my own health, both mentally, socially...luckily I'm too much of a pussy to ever do anything physically.
Ugh...
This has gone on long enough. I need to stop typing now...