legolas, by Laura
Projection Room Voices: Right, we've got another quick fic for you to spork.
ZeldaQueen: It's not by Keiran Halcyon, is it?
Projection Room Voices: Not at all.
ZeldaQueen: Great! I'm in!
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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legolas, by Laura
ZeldaQueen: What kind of a title is that???
Legolas was riding along the woods and one day he found a baby whaped in colth so he got off his horse and went to the baby and then Legolas said"who left you here little one"and then the baby just cryed and then Legolas pick her up and hold her and then the baby stoped crying and then Legolas said"your name is going be Laura"and then Legolas and the baby went onto the horse and went back to the castle where he lived.Legolas said"father mother I found this little baby in the woods and then Legolas mother got up and walked down and said"how can people put baby in the woodsand to die".
ZeldaQueen: ... Jesus Christ. I think I've stumbled on the mini-My Immortal of the Lord of the Rings fandom. And Laura? Really? An Elf in Middle Earth is naming a baby "Laura"? It can't have anything to do with the fact that the author's name is also Laura, is it? Hmm?
Then Legolas father said"we are going to keep her"and then Legolas was happy for someriseing.
ZeldaQueen: (Legolas) "She followed me home, can we keep her?"
And "someriseing"? Over a baby? PERVERT!
10 Years Later
ZeldaQueen: I'm overwhelmed folks. Look at the painstaking efforts the author here has put into detailing the passing of time, in which young Laura is raised in the house of Legolas. No wait, she just gives us a footnote. Next thing you know, she'll be saying "Spring went into summer and then skipped over to winter and then went back to fall".
Legolas got up and went into Laura's room and said"good moring"and then Laura said "good moring too".
ZeldaQueen: "Good moring! How is the sailing today?" "It's fine! Good moring too!" These terrible sentence structures are killing me.
Then Legolas said"whats a matter"and then Laura said"Legolas I want to know how to ride a horse".
ZeldaQueen: That's what she said!
Then Legolas said"Ok"and then Legolas said"first you get dresses and have something to eat and then we will go for a horse ride lesson".
ZeldaQueen: O_o That sounds... wrong... *cuts off Projection Room Voices* I know, I know I'm not supposed to use Emotes, shut up!
Mean while Strider and Gandalf was rideing towards where Legolas lived and then Strider said"Gandalf I did not know Legolas had a sister"and then Gandalf said"I did not know aswell".
ZeldaQueen: Yes, Gandolf and Strider, who have strong connections with the Elves, have no idea that there's been a girl living at Legolas's place for the past ten years. And we never heard that they saw her either. Did that bit of information just get telepathically lodged in their head? Or was it some hypothetical thing, like "Say Gandolf, wouldn't it be weird if it turned out that Legolas had a sister?"
Mean While at Mondor the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess but not Legolas.Then the boss of the Orcs came and said"I'll get her for you sir"and then the Dark lord said"yes you can".
ZeldaQueen: Well, good to know that Sauron's got ambitious plans going. I mean, it's not like he's got the One Ring to look for or cities to conquer and enslave anything. And why bother going after some random chick that Legolas's family took in? And why leave Legolas as well? He's actually related by blood, wouldn't it make sense to kidnap him as well?
...I guess the key word there is sense.
Mean while Legolas and Laura was horseriding
ZeldaQueen: Gah! Bad imagery!
and then Laura said"Legolas whos that"and then Legolas looked and it was Gandalf and Strider.
ZeldaQueen: This is at the reading level of Hop on Pop and has none of the cleverness.
Legolas said"that is Gandalf and Strdier"
and then Strider said"Legolas"
ZeldaQueen: Yes he is.
and then Legolas said"Strider long time seen" and then Strider said"hows you"
ZeldaQueen: "hows you?" *bursts out laughing* Now I have an image of Jackson's Aragorn in a hoodie and ripped jeans and a backwards baseball cap and gold jewelry.
and then Legolas said"I am fine"and then Gandalf said"whos this then"
ZeldaQueen: Wait, what? Didn't Strider and Gandalf already figure out that Legolas had a sister? I guess they really were just randomly guessing.
and then Legolas said"meet Laura I found her in the woods when she was just a baby".
ZeldaQueen: (Legolas) "The stork dropped her down the chimney and we couldn't get ride of her because she was a Sue."
Laura was shy at first and then Legolas said"Laura come and meet Strider and Gandalf"and then Laura said"hello I am Laura".
ZeldaQueen: You just know she's going to be seducing one of the three of them by this fic's end.
Legolas said"she is the princess"
ZeldaQueen: Even though she's not related by blood and doesn't even seem to be an elf.
and then Strider said"she is so cute"and then Legolas said"that will be my falut"and then Gandalf said"why"and then Laura said"he protects me thats why"
ZeldaQueen: THAT EXPLAINS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
and then Legolas looked up and said"I think we should go back to the castle"and then Laura said"I can feel it too".
ZeldaQueen: Good God, has this author ever heard of putting new speakers into different paragraphs? That is such an awful run-on, it deserves to be shot and put out of its misery.
And she can "feel it too"? What exactly is she feeling...?
Legolas said"do you want to stay for a night"and then Gandalf and Strider said"yes please"and then they had tea and went to bed.
ZeldaQueen: Not since Frodo and Sam marched up Mount Doom at the end of The Return of the King has there been such an epic adventure written.
During the night Legolas ask the gards to keep an eye on Laura's room.
ZeldaQueen: Why? It's not like he knows someone's coming after her. Or is he going to ask them to spy on her for him? Perv.
Mean while the Orcs climed up the window and grabed Laura and then Laura woke up and screamed and then the gard went into her room and saw lots of Orcs and then Legolas ran down the hall.
ZeldaQueen: Mighty useless guards there. Seriously, they don't notice a group of Orcs climbing in her window? And the guards didn't raise the alarm or shout or anything? Legolas just showed up with his amazing telepathic ability to know where the plot is going?
I'm sorry, but this just reminds me of Simon Bellemont is stuffed in a sack and kidnapped in Captain N.
Then Legolas said"where is Laura"and then the gards said"the Orcs took her".
ZeldaQueen: (Guards) "But we're not going to bother actually trying to fight the Orcs off or save her or anything. We're not getting paid enough to rescue a Sue."
Mean while the Orcs was back at Mondor
ZeldaQueen: And apparently these Orcs have the power of teleportation. Too bad the Fellowship never had that, otherwise they might not have needed three books to finish their quest.
and then Laura said"put me down"and then the Orcs did
ZeldaQueen: Because the Sue commanded it.
and then the Dark lord came out of the fire and said"welcome Laura"
ZeldaQueen: Yes, welcome her.
and then Laura looked at him and said"no it can't be"and then she tryed to run away but the Orcs got her.
ZeldaQueen: For the love of God FINISH THAT SENTENCE ALREADY!!! And put some punctuation in there, so that Laura actually sounds afraid!
And she really just tried to run away from Sauron, in a room full of Orcs?
Then the Dark lord said"put her into the cell and bet her and also do what ever you want with her but do not kill her".
ZeldaQueen: (Orcs) "Aw, but boss! Sues are worth hardly anything at the horse races!"
Then the Orcs took her to the cell and trow her into the cell and then they shut the door.
ZeldaQueen: Gee, I wonder if she's in the cell?
Laura go up and went to the window and looked out and she was wishing that Legolas or someone will save her.
ZeldaQueen: Because, of course, actually trying to save herself was out of the question.
Mean while back at the castle of Milkwood Legolas was getting the army ready to go and save Laura.
ZeldaQueen: Of course, saving the Sue was their first priority. Nothing frivolous was allowed, like trying to toss the Ring into Mount Doom.
Mean while Laura was sitting on the floor and then the door opened and it was some Orcs and the Orcs tied Laura with some chains and then one of the Orcs striped her and then he raped her and then Laura said"go away you bastard".
ZeldaQueen: That has got to be the blandest rape scene I've ever read, and I'm including My Immortal in that statement.
Then another Orc came with a whip and whiped her hard and then the Orcs all togeter bet her almost to death and then the Dark Lord came in with a tube of Posion and then he injeted into Laura.
ZeldaQueen: They have syringes in Middle Earth?
Few hours later
ZeldaQueen: Suddenly, a shot rang out!
Legolas and the others was on the way to Mondor to save princess Laura.
ZeldaQueen: Is English this author's third language or something?
Mean while in the cell where Laura was been kept Laura woke up and she looked on her body there was blood and scars she only could move her right arm but not her left.
ZeldaQueen: And she doesn't, you know, show fear or anger or emotions of any sort?
Then Laura said"I feel so cold"and then she can't see very well.
ZeldaQueen: (Sue) "OMG, I MIGHT NEED GLASSES! THOSE ARE FOR GEEKS!"
At the frount gates of Mondor was Legolas and the others and then they said"let Laura go"and then the Dark lord said"no"
ZeldaQueen: (Sauron) "And all of the Elves and Men will look up at me and shout "Give us the Sue!" and I'll whisper..."no".
and then Legolas said"right lisson I'll will clim up to the cell and get Laura and you and the others will find another way in.
ZeldaQueen: Folks, I'm laughing so hard I'm going cross-eyed. This seriously is on the level of My Immortal by way of stupid plans. And "lisson"?
Then Strider said"alright" and then Legolas started to clim up.Mean while Strider and the others ran into Mondor and went into the castle.
ZeldaQueen: Apparently one does just walk into Mordor. Sauron really should fire his guards, they're doing a shyte job. And if it's so easy to waltz in there, why did Frodo and Sam need to sneak in the back?
Gandalf said"I'll will go and kill the Dark lord and you and the others go and help Legolas".
ZeldaQueen: I love how that's just an afterthought. Like "Well, so long as we're here to rescue the Sue, I might as well kill Sauron".
Strdier said"becareful"and then Gandalf said"I will don't you worry about me".
ZeldaQueen: (Gandolf) "The Sue's turned everyone into such putzes that he should be no problem!"
Mean while Legolas got to the cell where Laura is.Legolas said"Laura are you in there"and then Laura said"Oh Legolas you finally came"and then Legolas said"are you alright"and then Laura said"no I am not alright"and then Legolas said"they bet you up and raped you also the Dark lord gave you the posion"and then Laura said"how did you know that".Then Legolas said"when I was your age they did the samething to me".
ZeldaQueen: Wait WHAT?!?!?!? And why isn't she dead from the poison?
Then Laura said"can you get me out of here"and then Legolas said"ok stand back"and then he ran back and ran towards the door and knock it down.
ZeldaQueen: ... Yes folks, apparently Scooby Doo gags are all it takes to break into a cell in Mordor.
Laura said"wow"
ZeldaQueen: (Sue) "You knocked down a door by running into it! That's, like, so impressive!"
and then Legolas looked and saw she was coved in Blood and scars also she was naked"
ZeldaQueen: Why are those quotation marks there? No one is talking.
and then Legolas said"why they did it to you not me"
ZeldaQueen: I thought he just said that they did do it to him.
and then the Orcs came and said"because she got a power and she can distoy us all the bad guys".
ZeldaQueen: Ah yes, the introduction of the Random Sue Power.
"She can distoy us! She has the power to stop Jackson's action figure market!"
Then the fright began
ZeldaQueen: Trust me my dear, that began with your first sentence.
Legolas got out his bow and arrows andstarted fireing at them.Then Legolas saw some swords and said"Strider is that you"and then Strider said"yes it is"
ZeldaQueen: Apparently Strider has mysteriously transformed into some swords. Who would've thunk it?
and then Legolas and the others started to kill the Orcs.Mean while Gandalf is have a fun time trying to distory the Dark lord.
ZeldaQueen: Fun time trying to destroy Sauron??? Oh yes, it's just a bundle of laughs fighting the evil being who's been destroying and enslaving Middle Earth. And apparently Sauron has no guards or Orcs or anything protecting him or just even hanging around Mordor.
Gandalf said"I wish Frodo and Merry and Pippen and Sam was here"
ZeldaQueen: (Gandalf) "Because four hobbits would certainly help in a battle against Sauron!"
and then a sword came out of nowhere and said"some wished us here"and then Gandalf turned and said"Frodo baggins why you doing here".
ZeldaQueen: And now Frodo has apparently turned into a sword. And is referring to himself in the plural. Whatever.
Then Frodo said"we came to help you and also we got rid of the ring"and then the Dark Lord said"oh no"and then the magical powers from Gandalf distoryed the Dark lord.
ZeldaQueen: Wha - she - I - *explodes and is rebuilt*
WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? The destruction of the Ring was apparently a footnote in the rescuing of the Sue and Sauron apparently can't work up more than a half-hearted "uh oh" when he finds out that his ticket to rising back to power has been destroyed and less than one sentence is devoted to the death of Sauron! Not to mention the fact that Frodo can apparently teleport as well.
Mean while Legolas and Strider and the others was helping Laura down and Strider took off his cape and put it around Laura.
ZeldaQueen: Because that's much more important than Gandalf fighting and destroying Sauron.
FEW HOURS LATER
Legolas and the others are on the way back to the castle.
ZeldaQueen: Which castle?
Legolas said"we must go to Rivendell to get Laura better".Then Gandalf said"I think you are right"and then they turned around and went to Rivendell.
ZeldaQueen: You know, she didn't seem to be in that critical of a condition before.
Legolas looked down on Laura and put his hand onto Laura's head and she was bruning up.Strider went aside of Legolas horse and looked and said"she is getting wose"and then Legolas said"I know".
ZeldaQueen: (Legolas) "Stop insulting my intelligence! I know how to handle a fever!"
FEW HOURS LATER
ZeldaQueen: Again? Author, what exactly was the point in the last "few hours later"?
They were at Rivendell and Legolas stayed at Laura's side everyday intill she wakes up and then Legolas kissed Laura on her lips and then she moved her arms around Legolas and then Legolas said"all you alright"and then Laura said"yes I am".
ZeldaQueen: She just woke up from being beaten and raped and poisoned and immediately they start making out. How very like a Sue.
Legolas said"I am soo happy"and then Laura said"Do you want to be my boyfriend"and then Legolas said"yes I will be your boyfriend"and then Laura and Legolas kissed again.
ZeldaQueen: No, not boyfriend! They are Elves in Middle Earth, not teenagers in high school! And she's his adopted sister! Isn't that like incest?
Laura said"what happened to me Legolas"and then Legolas said"you got kidnaped by the Orcs and they raped you and also bet you almost to death and then the Dark lord gave you some posion"
ZeldaQueen: Why doesn't she remember this? It's not like she was unconscious for all of it.
and then Laura said"why I can only move on arm"and then Legolas said"your left arm is broken".
ZeldaQueen: She was beaten and raped by Orcs and only her left arm is broken. Right, I believe that.
Then the door opened and it was Strider and then Laura said"Hello Strider"and then Strider said"I see you are awake"and then Laura
(Yes, it really does end there)
ZeldaQueen: What? *blinks* Um...okay. Did the author suddenly get kidnapped as she was writing the end to this? Ah well, it's over and I'm not complaining.
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Projection Room Voices: There now, was that so bad?
ZeldaQueen: Well, it was short at least.
Projection Room Voices: Now back to Breaking Dawn.
ZeldaQueen: Great.
Return to the Sporking Chamber
ZeldaQueen: It's not by Keiran Halcyon, is it?
Projection Room Voices: Not at all.
ZeldaQueen: Great! I'm in!
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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legolas, by Laura
ZeldaQueen: What kind of a title is that???
Legolas was riding along the woods and one day he found a baby whaped in colth so he got off his horse and went to the baby and then Legolas said"who left you here little one"and then the baby just cryed and then Legolas pick her up and hold her and then the baby stoped crying and then Legolas said"your name is going be Laura"and then Legolas and the baby went onto the horse and went back to the castle where he lived.Legolas said"father mother I found this little baby in the woods and then Legolas mother got up and walked down and said"how can people put baby in the woodsand to die".
ZeldaQueen: ... Jesus Christ. I think I've stumbled on the mini-My Immortal of the Lord of the Rings fandom. And Laura? Really? An Elf in Middle Earth is naming a baby "Laura"? It can't have anything to do with the fact that the author's name is also Laura, is it? Hmm?
Then Legolas father said"we are going to keep her"and then Legolas was happy for someriseing.
ZeldaQueen: (Legolas) "She followed me home, can we keep her?"
And "someriseing"? Over a baby? PERVERT!
10 Years Later
ZeldaQueen: I'm overwhelmed folks. Look at the painstaking efforts the author here has put into detailing the passing of time, in which young Laura is raised in the house of Legolas. No wait, she just gives us a footnote. Next thing you know, she'll be saying "Spring went into summer and then skipped over to winter and then went back to fall".
Legolas got up and went into Laura's room and said"good moring"and then Laura said "good moring too".
ZeldaQueen: "Good moring! How is the sailing today?" "It's fine! Good moring too!" These terrible sentence structures are killing me.
Then Legolas said"whats a matter"and then Laura said"Legolas I want to know how to ride a horse".
ZeldaQueen: That's what she said!
Then Legolas said"Ok"and then Legolas said"first you get dresses and have something to eat and then we will go for a horse ride lesson".
ZeldaQueen: O_o That sounds... wrong... *cuts off Projection Room Voices* I know, I know I'm not supposed to use Emotes, shut up!
Mean while Strider and Gandalf was rideing towards where Legolas lived and then Strider said"Gandalf I did not know Legolas had a sister"and then Gandalf said"I did not know aswell".
ZeldaQueen: Yes, Gandolf and Strider, who have strong connections with the Elves, have no idea that there's been a girl living at Legolas's place for the past ten years. And we never heard that they saw her either. Did that bit of information just get telepathically lodged in their head? Or was it some hypothetical thing, like "Say Gandolf, wouldn't it be weird if it turned out that Legolas had a sister?"
Mean While at Mondor the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess but not Legolas.Then the boss of the Orcs came and said"I'll get her for you sir"and then the Dark lord said"yes you can".
ZeldaQueen: Well, good to know that Sauron's got ambitious plans going. I mean, it's not like he's got the One Ring to look for or cities to conquer and enslave anything. And why bother going after some random chick that Legolas's family took in? And why leave Legolas as well? He's actually related by blood, wouldn't it make sense to kidnap him as well?
...I guess the key word there is sense.
Mean while Legolas and Laura was horseriding
ZeldaQueen: Gah! Bad imagery!
and then Laura said"Legolas whos that"and then Legolas looked and it was Gandalf and Strider.
ZeldaQueen: This is at the reading level of Hop on Pop and has none of the cleverness.
Legolas said"that is Gandalf and Strdier"
and then Strider said"Legolas"
ZeldaQueen: Yes he is.
and then Legolas said"Strider long time seen" and then Strider said"hows you"
ZeldaQueen: "hows you?" *bursts out laughing* Now I have an image of Jackson's Aragorn in a hoodie and ripped jeans and a backwards baseball cap and gold jewelry.
and then Legolas said"I am fine"and then Gandalf said"whos this then"
ZeldaQueen: Wait, what? Didn't Strider and Gandalf already figure out that Legolas had a sister? I guess they really were just randomly guessing.
and then Legolas said"meet Laura I found her in the woods when she was just a baby".
ZeldaQueen: (Legolas) "The stork dropped her down the chimney and we couldn't get ride of her because she was a Sue."
Laura was shy at first and then Legolas said"Laura come and meet Strider and Gandalf"and then Laura said"hello I am Laura".
ZeldaQueen: You just know she's going to be seducing one of the three of them by this fic's end.
Legolas said"she is the princess"
ZeldaQueen: Even though she's not related by blood and doesn't even seem to be an elf.
and then Strider said"she is so cute"and then Legolas said"that will be my falut"and then Gandalf said"why"and then Laura said"he protects me thats why"
ZeldaQueen: THAT EXPLAINS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
and then Legolas looked up and said"I think we should go back to the castle"and then Laura said"I can feel it too".
ZeldaQueen: Good God, has this author ever heard of putting new speakers into different paragraphs? That is such an awful run-on, it deserves to be shot and put out of its misery.
And she can "feel it too"? What exactly is she feeling...?
Legolas said"do you want to stay for a night"and then Gandalf and Strider said"yes please"and then they had tea and went to bed.
ZeldaQueen: Not since Frodo and Sam marched up Mount Doom at the end of The Return of the King has there been such an epic adventure written.
During the night Legolas ask the gards to keep an eye on Laura's room.
ZeldaQueen: Why? It's not like he knows someone's coming after her. Or is he going to ask them to spy on her for him? Perv.
Mean while the Orcs climed up the window and grabed Laura and then Laura woke up and screamed and then the gard went into her room and saw lots of Orcs and then Legolas ran down the hall.
ZeldaQueen: Mighty useless guards there. Seriously, they don't notice a group of Orcs climbing in her window? And the guards didn't raise the alarm or shout or anything? Legolas just showed up with his amazing telepathic ability to know where the plot is going?
I'm sorry, but this just reminds me of Simon Bellemont is stuffed in a sack and kidnapped in Captain N.
Then Legolas said"where is Laura"and then the gards said"the Orcs took her".
ZeldaQueen: (Guards) "But we're not going to bother actually trying to fight the Orcs off or save her or anything. We're not getting paid enough to rescue a Sue."
Mean while the Orcs was back at Mondor
ZeldaQueen: And apparently these Orcs have the power of teleportation. Too bad the Fellowship never had that, otherwise they might not have needed three books to finish their quest.
and then Laura said"put me down"and then the Orcs did
ZeldaQueen: Because the Sue commanded it.
and then the Dark lord came out of the fire and said"welcome Laura"
ZeldaQueen: Yes, welcome her.
and then Laura looked at him and said"no it can't be"and then she tryed to run away but the Orcs got her.
ZeldaQueen: For the love of God FINISH THAT SENTENCE ALREADY!!! And put some punctuation in there, so that Laura actually sounds afraid!
And she really just tried to run away from Sauron, in a room full of Orcs?
Then the Dark lord said"put her into the cell and bet her and also do what ever you want with her but do not kill her".
ZeldaQueen: (Orcs) "Aw, but boss! Sues are worth hardly anything at the horse races!"
Then the Orcs took her to the cell and trow her into the cell and then they shut the door.
ZeldaQueen: Gee, I wonder if she's in the cell?
Laura go up and went to the window and looked out and she was wishing that Legolas or someone will save her.
ZeldaQueen: Because, of course, actually trying to save herself was out of the question.
Mean while back at the castle of Milkwood Legolas was getting the army ready to go and save Laura.
ZeldaQueen: Of course, saving the Sue was their first priority. Nothing frivolous was allowed, like trying to toss the Ring into Mount Doom.
Mean while Laura was sitting on the floor and then the door opened and it was some Orcs and the Orcs tied Laura with some chains and then one of the Orcs striped her and then he raped her and then Laura said"go away you bastard".
ZeldaQueen: That has got to be the blandest rape scene I've ever read, and I'm including My Immortal in that statement.
Then another Orc came with a whip and whiped her hard and then the Orcs all togeter bet her almost to death and then the Dark Lord came in with a tube of Posion and then he injeted into Laura.
ZeldaQueen: They have syringes in Middle Earth?
Few hours later
ZeldaQueen: Suddenly, a shot rang out!
Legolas and the others was on the way to Mondor to save princess Laura.
ZeldaQueen: Is English this author's third language or something?
Mean while in the cell where Laura was been kept Laura woke up and she looked on her body there was blood and scars she only could move her right arm but not her left.
ZeldaQueen: And she doesn't, you know, show fear or anger or emotions of any sort?
Then Laura said"I feel so cold"and then she can't see very well.
ZeldaQueen: (Sue) "OMG, I MIGHT NEED GLASSES! THOSE ARE FOR GEEKS!"
At the frount gates of Mondor was Legolas and the others and then they said"let Laura go"and then the Dark lord said"no"
ZeldaQueen: (Sauron) "And all of the Elves and Men will look up at me and shout "Give us the Sue!" and I'll whisper..."no".
and then Legolas said"right lisson I'll will clim up to the cell and get Laura and you and the others will find another way in.
ZeldaQueen: Folks, I'm laughing so hard I'm going cross-eyed. This seriously is on the level of My Immortal by way of stupid plans. And "lisson"?
Then Strider said"alright" and then Legolas started to clim up.Mean while Strider and the others ran into Mondor and went into the castle.
ZeldaQueen: Apparently one does just walk into Mordor. Sauron really should fire his guards, they're doing a shyte job. And if it's so easy to waltz in there, why did Frodo and Sam need to sneak in the back?
Gandalf said"I'll will go and kill the Dark lord and you and the others go and help Legolas".
ZeldaQueen: I love how that's just an afterthought. Like "Well, so long as we're here to rescue the Sue, I might as well kill Sauron".
Strdier said"becareful"and then Gandalf said"I will don't you worry about me".
ZeldaQueen: (Gandolf) "The Sue's turned everyone into such putzes that he should be no problem!"
Mean while Legolas got to the cell where Laura is.Legolas said"Laura are you in there"and then Laura said"Oh Legolas you finally came"and then Legolas said"are you alright"and then Laura said"no I am not alright"and then Legolas said"they bet you up and raped you also the Dark lord gave you the posion"and then Laura said"how did you know that".Then Legolas said"when I was your age they did the samething to me".
ZeldaQueen: Wait WHAT?!?!?!? And why isn't she dead from the poison?
Then Laura said"can you get me out of here"and then Legolas said"ok stand back"and then he ran back and ran towards the door and knock it down.
ZeldaQueen: ... Yes folks, apparently Scooby Doo gags are all it takes to break into a cell in Mordor.
Laura said"wow"
ZeldaQueen: (Sue) "You knocked down a door by running into it! That's, like, so impressive!"
and then Legolas looked and saw she was coved in Blood and scars also she was naked"
ZeldaQueen: Why are those quotation marks there? No one is talking.
and then Legolas said"why they did it to you not me"
ZeldaQueen: I thought he just said that they did do it to him.
and then the Orcs came and said"because she got a power and she can distoy us all the bad guys".
ZeldaQueen: Ah yes, the introduction of the Random Sue Power.
"She can distoy us! She has the power to stop Jackson's action figure market!"
Then the fright began
ZeldaQueen: Trust me my dear, that began with your first sentence.
Legolas got out his bow and arrows andstarted fireing at them.Then Legolas saw some swords and said"Strider is that you"and then Strider said"yes it is"
ZeldaQueen: Apparently Strider has mysteriously transformed into some swords. Who would've thunk it?
and then Legolas and the others started to kill the Orcs.Mean while Gandalf is have a fun time trying to distory the Dark lord.
ZeldaQueen: Fun time trying to destroy Sauron??? Oh yes, it's just a bundle of laughs fighting the evil being who's been destroying and enslaving Middle Earth. And apparently Sauron has no guards or Orcs or anything protecting him or just even hanging around Mordor.
Gandalf said"I wish Frodo and Merry and Pippen and Sam was here"
ZeldaQueen: (Gandalf) "Because four hobbits would certainly help in a battle against Sauron!"
and then a sword came out of nowhere and said"some wished us here"and then Gandalf turned and said"Frodo baggins why you doing here".
ZeldaQueen: And now Frodo has apparently turned into a sword. And is referring to himself in the plural. Whatever.
Then Frodo said"we came to help you and also we got rid of the ring"and then the Dark Lord said"oh no"and then the magical powers from Gandalf distoryed the Dark lord.
ZeldaQueen: Wha - she - I - *explodes and is rebuilt*
WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? The destruction of the Ring was apparently a footnote in the rescuing of the Sue and Sauron apparently can't work up more than a half-hearted "uh oh" when he finds out that his ticket to rising back to power has been destroyed and less than one sentence is devoted to the death of Sauron! Not to mention the fact that Frodo can apparently teleport as well.
Mean while Legolas and Strider and the others was helping Laura down and Strider took off his cape and put it around Laura.
ZeldaQueen: Because that's much more important than Gandalf fighting and destroying Sauron.
FEW HOURS LATER
Legolas and the others are on the way back to the castle.
ZeldaQueen: Which castle?
Legolas said"we must go to Rivendell to get Laura better".Then Gandalf said"I think you are right"and then they turned around and went to Rivendell.
ZeldaQueen: You know, she didn't seem to be in that critical of a condition before.
Legolas looked down on Laura and put his hand onto Laura's head and she was bruning up.Strider went aside of Legolas horse and looked and said"she is getting wose"and then Legolas said"I know".
ZeldaQueen: (Legolas) "Stop insulting my intelligence! I know how to handle a fever!"
FEW HOURS LATER
ZeldaQueen: Again? Author, what exactly was the point in the last "few hours later"?
They were at Rivendell and Legolas stayed at Laura's side everyday intill she wakes up and then Legolas kissed Laura on her lips and then she moved her arms around Legolas and then Legolas said"all you alright"and then Laura said"yes I am".
ZeldaQueen: She just woke up from being beaten and raped and poisoned and immediately they start making out. How very like a Sue.
Legolas said"I am soo happy"and then Laura said"Do you want to be my boyfriend"and then Legolas said"yes I will be your boyfriend"and then Laura and Legolas kissed again.
ZeldaQueen: No, not boyfriend! They are Elves in Middle Earth, not teenagers in high school! And she's his adopted sister! Isn't that like incest?
Laura said"what happened to me Legolas"and then Legolas said"you got kidnaped by the Orcs and they raped you and also bet you almost to death and then the Dark lord gave you some posion"
ZeldaQueen: Why doesn't she remember this? It's not like she was unconscious for all of it.
and then Laura said"why I can only move on arm"and then Legolas said"your left arm is broken".
ZeldaQueen: She was beaten and raped by Orcs and only her left arm is broken. Right, I believe that.
Then the door opened and it was Strider and then Laura said"Hello Strider"and then Strider said"I see you are awake"and then Laura
(Yes, it really does end there)
ZeldaQueen: What? *blinks* Um...okay. Did the author suddenly get kidnapped as she was writing the end to this? Ah well, it's over and I'm not complaining.
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Projection Room Voices: There now, was that so bad?
ZeldaQueen: Well, it was short at least.
Projection Room Voices: Now back to Breaking Dawn.
ZeldaQueen: Great.
Return to the Sporking Chamber