Marked Redux: Chapter 2
ZeldaQueen: So in the last chapter, Zoey was marked as a vampire and… not much else happened, really. She just whined a lot and made fun of people we didn’t know and never would. This is going to be a pattern. Ready for the next chapter, Ruin?
Ruin: In a masochistic sort of way, yes. Let us spork.
Chapter 2
ZeldaQueen: Awesome! We jump forward an unspecified amount of time, when Zoey realizes that the parking lot is empty and she can leave. She pauses only to make note of “some random kid wearing those seriously unattractive gang wanna-be baggy pants”, because that’s so damned necessary.
Miss Judgemental: 24
Ruin: [random kid]: You wot, mate? Dese trews are proper bangin’! Yer mum loved ‘em on ‘er floor last neet! … Wanker.
We have not begun, and her Judgemental antics have made me angry.
ZeldaQueen: It’s also only the second chapter in the first book. We can only go downhill.
Zoey starts off across the parking lot and begins to suffer one of very few drawbacks that comes with being a vampire - the sunlight hurts her. Or, at least she tells us it does. She doesn’t actually sound like she’s in much pain and apparently holding her hand up to block the sun from her eyes is enough to help, so it just sounds like she’s having an issue with glare. I’m also not sure how the vampires are photosensitive, but we’ll save that for when we spork the explanation on how vampires happen.
What ought to be a simple matter of walking across the parking lot suddenly turns into an ordeal, though. A pick-up truck arrives, carrying Heath, his friend Dustin, and Dustin’s brother, Drew. If you guessed that Dustin and Drew cease to exist after this scene, congratulations. You’ve cottoned on to how PC and Kristin write. They really don’t do anything in this scene either, besides drive a pick-up truck and wrestle each other, as all stereotypical meathead teenage boys do.
Stereotypes Mambo: 12
Ruin: I don’t always wish for George R. R. Martin to be writing anything other than ‘A Song of Fire and Ice’, but when I do, it’s because that man knows what he is doing with every one of his characters, and that’s inspirational.
ZeldaQueen: Agreed. I’m not asking for every character named to get an encyclopedia’s worth of backstory, but there’s a difference between naming a character in passing to give a sense of what’s going on (for example, how Harry Potter would mention characters we’d never see or hear about again as conversation or the subjects of noodle incidents) and having nearly every character mentioned and appearing in the first two chapters vanish for much of the series and be lucky to make even a second appearance! For as much as any of this matters, the first chapter could have started with Zoey shut in her room, furious at her parents for not letting her go out to see Heath at a party, and then scared to see the vampire hanging out her window to mark her. It sets the stage, it establishes that Zoey’s parents are restrictive, and it cuts out an entire chapter’s worth of unnecessary characters and plot.
Ruin: Yes! What I think the Cast ladies do not understand is that the characters she’s mentioning are not throwaways (except for maybe That-One-Boy-Who-Got-Marked-At-School) - these are people who, before Zoey’s marking, were an integral part of her life outside her restrictive home. Kayla was her best friend, and as Jared was her boyfriend, he’d have had a presence even with a Sisters-Before-Misters rule. Dustin and Drew were Heath’s bros, probably ‘wingmen’, so she would have known them at least in passing if a Dudes-Before-Girl-Dudes rule is in play.
I’m jawing on about these people because, again, they are not extras like Student #42 - they are, or should be, meaningful characters for Zoey since they are her figurative Social Buoys. I’m also jawing on about them, because, after this scene, we may never see them ever again, and that grieves me.
ZeldaQueen: Very well-said! For all the Cast Ladies try to portray Zoey as a friendless loser, that shows that she clearly isn’t! And dear lord, even Stephenie Meyer did a better job of trying to turn Bella’s non-vampire friends into reoccurring characters! Yes it sucked, but she still had them show up or be talked about multiple times and had Bella (somehow) remember them!
So yeah, Zoey conveniently forgets that she’s now a vampire (except she doesn’t forget, because she’s narrating and tells us “Yeah, I forgot I was a vampire”) and yells at Heath because he’s on the school grounds and has a beer with him. Frankly, given the absurd levels of intoxication we’ll see him at later, it’s amazing he hasn’t been caught before now. But hey, that’s what happens when Suethors decide to base an alcoholic teen after every sitcom frat boy ever.
Ruin: Not that they had been treating this with any gravity anyway, but that Heath is the Stereotypical Frat Boy makes this worse - he’s a teen alcoholic. I have seen members of my family, dear and wonderful people that they were and are, suffer with alcoholism, and it isn’t a joke. Heath is sixteen years old, at the passionate, stressful, care-free conundrum of his youth - that he is suffering with it at this time makes it all the worse.
ZeldaQueen: Well, this charming book later has a tasteless joke about anorexic people and the series itself had the big bad - who is treated as utterly monstrous and irredeemable - have her start of darkness be trying to marry someone to escape her father’s emotional (and later sexual) abuse. The idea of handling teen alcoholism as a tragic issue that needs professional help and support isn’t going to be happening. It’s just getting thrown in with pot-smoking and blowjobs for the moral of “Ewwwwww, what sort of loser would do that?”
Stereotype Mambo: 13
ZeldaQueen: Zoey starts to get her stuff in her car and, for some reason, thinks it’d be a great idea to make small talk with Heath. You know, because clearly nothing important is happening! Heath tells her that football practice was canceled because they won their last game (does...football really work like that in high school?) and then starts asking if Zoey’s angry with him. Why does he think Zoey is angry with him? Well, he thinks Kayla said something to her about him cheating on her! Well gee, isn’t this interesting! Zoey’s boyfriend, who we know zippo about besides his drinking problem, might possibly be having an affair! And the whole thing is connected to Zoey’s friend, who we also know zippo about and who disappears entirely after this book! Wow, what intrigue! I sure am glad this is being brought up, instead of more on the whole death-by-vampire stuff!
Zoey reminds us again that she has forgotten that she is a vampire before turning to ask Heath what he’s saying. He starts to insist he did nothing, but upon seeing her mark, “his innocent act and his excuses faded into an unattractive open-mouthed look of shock”.
Miss Judgemental: 25
Because clearly it’s vital to the scene to note that Heath looks unattractive while stunned. Zoey hushes him up so Dustin and Drew don’t notice. And naturally takes a minute to bash them for being “totally tone deaf” as they sing along to the latest Toby Keith CD.
Miss Judgemental: 26
Stereotype Mambo: 14
ZeldaQueen: And yes, I know it might just be that they like Toby Keith, but trust me on this one. As we’re going to see throughout this series, the Cast Ladies are quite fond of writing Oklahoma people as loving nothing more than country music, horses, Native American culture, and generally anything that makes them seem like they live on the back of a hay wagon with a piece of grass in their mouth and a cowboy hat on their head. It’s pretty strange, considering that they live in Tulsa and ought to know better, but I guess it’s like how Frollo Freak wrote all about her Mary Sue, Danisha, being from Indiana like she was and had her do nothing but talk about baseball, fried foods, ragtime, and other stereotypical things from that area.
So yeah. Heath, who I’m mentally imagining speaking in the stereotypical “dumb jock” voice that nearly every animated kid’s show uses, protests that Zoey can’t be a vampire, since they’re dating. I know his brain’s supposed to be pickled, but that makes no sense. Doubly so since, as I pointed out before, there’s fuck-all nothing keeping her from continuing to date him! Hell, despite a few attempts at indicating that vampire/human relationships are difficult (hello thar, interracial dating metaphor! We’ll be addressing you later!), the backstories we get have plenty of vampires who have human lovers. Zoey has an entirely different reason to protest - she’s been kinda breaking up with Heath, as you’ll recall. I’m not entirely certain if she told him yet that she was dumping him, so her being pissed at him not knowing this is a bit harsh.
But never mind that now, for Zoey is interrupted with a plot-convenient bout of coughing. The Interchangeable Brothers in the truck tell her to lay off the cigarettes considering how she’s hacking her lungs up, and Heath helpfully tells them, “Dude! Leave her alone. You know she don't smoke. She's a vampyre.”
Ruin: ‘You know she don’t smoke’? I have a feeling that this stems from a noodle incident relating to yet another rant about yet another ‘typical teenage behaviour’ that she finds abhorrent.
ZeldaQueen: You’d be right. Zoey, despite being morally bankrupt as we’ll see, is meant to be a great role model and thus is very preachy about what the Cast ladies thing Good Teenage Girls should and shouldn’t do. But smoking at least gets off light compared to the ranting about the evils of pot and blowjobs. That’s for later, though.
For now, the Interchangeable Brothers stick their heads out the window, upon hearing Heath’s words. Zoey instantly starts wangsting about how they’re looking at her like she’s a “science experiment”. Because… uh, just looking out the window of a car indicates that. Look, maybe it’s insensitive of me, but if I was just told, “Hey, this person’s a vampire”? I’m going to have a look. Because that would be frigging awesome.
Ruin: Yes, plus according to this universe, the vampires are all in the top artistic and athletic fields - actors, artists, singers, archers, waterpolo players, for example. You’d think being associated with that would just get people interested in you.
ZeldaQueen: And they’re supposed to be inhumanly beautiful, to boot. To top it all off, these people apparently rarely see vampires (somehow), so it stands to reason that when one of their classmates turns into one, they’d want to take a gander to see what the big deal is!
But no, that’s not it. This is meant to be a heavy-handed attempt to show the “prejudice” humans have for vampires. The instant the Interchangeable Brothers notice that Zoey’s a vampire, one of them comments, “Well, shit. Zoey's a fucking freak!” Because yeah, that’s the most biting insult a teenager can come up with. Sure. I have to ask, have the Cast ladies ever heard the sort of things even your garden-variety high school bully says? Because if they did, I think they’d realize that an exclamation like that wouldn’t even cross most teenagers’ minds as some sort of a slur. It’d be normal after-school language. And that certainly is nowhere near the sort of slurs or offensive language used to insult people of real-life minorities or sexual orientations! But again, we’ll get to that last part when it’s made more explicit. *sighs*
Zoey, for her part, considers this her tipping point. For the record, she’s been a vampire for all of… let’s say two hours to be generous. For that period of time, she has (A) had her very energetic friend freak out somewhat, (B) had a kid she doesn’t even know stare at her as she and said friend make a racket in the hallway, and (C) has a kid we hardly know call her something mildly rude in surprise. But no, Zoey simply can’t deal with this. She yells at the Interchangeable brothers to shut up and leave her alone because “[She’s] had a really bad day and I do[es] not need this crap from [them].” We’ll have to take her word on that, since we’ve only seen the tail end of her day and hardly anything bad has happened to her. And no, I’m not counting her turning into a vampire, because we all know already that there are virtually no downsides to it and she’s going to become one Sue to Rule Them All.
Ruin: *Weeps bitterly*
ZeldaQueen: Indeed. *offers tissues* We then start on what could have been a genuinely interesting and believable drawback to vampirisim, if it wasn’t forgotten when it was inconvenient - Zoey goes on a complete and utter power trip.
“And as I kept eye contact with Dustin I realized something -something that shocked and weirdly excited me: Dustin looked scared. Really scared. I glared back at Drew. He looked scared, too. Then I felt it. A tingling sensation that crawled over my skin and made my new Mark burn.
Power. I felt power.”
ZeldaQueen: Behold, our Heroine. This is quite telling, I must say. Now, were this a better-written vampire story? I’d think that this was something vampires had to control. It would be a good drawback to all that power, and a legitimate reason for a school so secluded from humans - fledgling vampires are prone to bouts of insanity where they subjugate those weaker than them and drink their blood, so the adult vampires need to teach them control before they can live amongst humans.
The thing is, this never is mentioned with any other vampires, nor does Zoey experience anything like it again. Coupling that with how she acts like this after getting pissed at the Interchangeable Brothers, it reads like she’s just enjoying being able to scare anyone who insults her. And… uh, given some of the stuff she does later in the series, that’s not too far off base.
The Interchangeable Brothers wisely decide to get the fuck out of there. Unfortunately, they decide to zoom off while Heath is still on the bed, causing him to fall out and hit the ground. Zoey runs over to see if he’s alright aaaaaand we suddenly go into every cliched “Vampirism is a sexy commercial” scene ever.
"Then I smelled it. Something smelled amazing-hot and sweet and delicious.
Was Heath wearing new cologne? One of those weird pheromone things that are supposed to attract women like a big genetically engineered bug zapper? I didn't realize how close I was to him until he stood up straight and our bodies were almost pressed together. He looked down at me, a question in his eyes.
I didn't back away from him. I should have. I would have before…but not now. Not today.
‘Zo?’ he said softly, his voice deep and husky.
‘You smell really good,’ I couldn't stop myself from saying. My heart was pounding so loud that I could hear its echo in my throbbing temples."
ZeldaQueen: My God, but that’s harlequin!
Smells Like Teen Spirit: 3 (“Weird pheromone things”, hello?)
Tired Metaphor: 7 (One for his blood - and yes, that’s what it is - being sweet and delicious-smelling, one for his voice being “deep and husky”, and one for Zoey’s heart beating so loudly she can hear it)
Heath starts going on about how he misses her and they need to get back together - I have no clue where they are in their relationship and I don’t care - and when he goes to touch her face, they both notice that his hand is scraped and bloody from the fall. Zoey starts eying it like a terrier staring at a biscuit and tells us, “I could only imagine what I must look like, with my face all white, my new Mark blazingly outlined in sapphire blue, and my eyes staring at the blood on his hand”. Uh, you look like a pale person with a tattoo on your forehead, staring at someone’s hand. What do you think that looks like? Is this like how Meyer thinks sparkling is the most terrifying sight ever?
Ruin: It must be, because Zoey staring at Heath’s bloody hand doesn’t sound as “scary” and “evil” and “predatorial” as she thinks it does. It sounds like she’s considering if she has any anti-septic cream along with the goo in her bag.
ZeldaQueen: That’s what happens when writing is incredibly bland. It’s certainly not convincing as being as erotic and irresistible as Zoey insists it is, certainly not when she tells us that she isn’t able to voice “the overwhelming surge of white-hot desire that was trying to drown [her]”.
Tired Metaphor: 8
I wish you would drown. To quote Statler and Waldorf from The Muppets’ Most Wanted, then we could all go home early.
So yeah, this scene pretty much abruptly ends when the Interchangeable Brothers return, grab Heath, and throw him in the truck. One of them once again calls Zoey a freak, which I’m sure is supposed to be more evidence that humans are irrationally anti-vampire. Considering that Zoey was going on about how nummy Heath’s blood smelled, them being worried about his well-being seems pretty justified. Of course, if we look at what actually happened, it’s just really stupid. They drove off, turned around to go back to Heath, and saw Heath and Zoey… just sitting on the ground, with her staring at his hand. She wasn’t licking the blood or sniffing his neck. There’s no reason for them or the book to treat it like they walked in on some dark scene.
With Heath and the Interchangeable Brothers abruptly out of the picture, Zoey shakingly gets in her car and heads home. As she heads off, she tells herself, “I wouldn't think about what had just happened. I couldn't think about what had just happened”. While I can understand a person being in denial or not being able to handle the thought of starting to act in an inhuman way, we’re going to see that this is pretty much Zoey’s coping mechanism for everything, sans ever actually dealing with the problem if it’s at all possible.
Procrastinators Unite Tomorrow: 1
Ruin: That’s not coping with a problem. That’s the opposite of coping at all.
ZeldaQueen: This is true, but apparently nobody ever told the Cast ladies this.
One fifteen-minute time skip later, Zoey pulls up into her driveway. She pauses to prepare herself for the inevitable scene that is to follow “sure as lightning follows thunder”, because that sounds like the sort of figurative language she’s been using thus far.
Tired Metaphor: 9
She wonders why she was in such a hurry to get there. I have to wonder the same. She hates her family and makes no secret of it. One would think that if she needed comfort, she’d go immediately to her grandmother (the only member of her family treated as worthwhile). I could understand the need to get her stuff, but we’re later going to find out that apparently the vampires can arrange to have her things brought over. Again, if the Tracker vampire would explain this stuff, it’d be very helpful!
Zoey, amazingly, actually does think back on what just happened. She starts trying to convince herself that “there was probably some kind of rational explanation for everything”, which kind of doesn’t work if one has just turned into a frigging vampire. And yes, I know plenty of horror movies have the protagonist try to handwave supernatural things as having realistic explanations. That trope doesn’t exactly fly, though, when one is working with an alternate universe where vampires and magic are realistic things, and have been since ancient times!
AU Doesn’t Work Like That: 2
She then charmingly tells us that “Dustin and Drew were retards- totally immature beer-brains”. HO-LEY fuck, Cast Ladies. You have Zoey soapbox about the Evils of Blowjobs, but having her casually call people “retards” is acceptable as everyday teen behavior? I mean, yes I know there are people, teenagers and otherwise, who use that word when they really, really shouldn’t, but couldn’t you have added it to the list of things Zoey doesn’t approve of?
Miss Judgemental: 27
One for that and one for the “beer-brains” jab (which I suspect shouldn’t have a hyphen, either). But of course, it’s justified. They’re football players like Heath, so it’s only natural for them to drink a lot!
Stereotypes Mambo: 15
Zoey continues to try to convince herself that the Interchangeable Brothers were just scared of her being a vampire (which leads to her stupidly and randomly declaring that she isn’t a vampire), and that she didn’t use a creepy power on them. I’m inclined to agree with this, even though I get the definite sense that we’re supposed to see Zoey being in denial over it. As far as I know in the rest of the series, vampires don’t have the ability to terrify humans with their gaze, at least not beyond the standard “Mary Sue Death Glare” way. That bit was a Big Lipped Alligator Moment in terms of vampire canon here. It reminds me of how the first Cirque de Freak book had a newly-vampirized Darren accidentally hypnotizing his little sister with a look, only for that vampiric power to never crop up again.
Zoey starts thinking about how she was so turned on by Heath’s blood, then freaks out and reminds herself that “Blood was not beautiful or desirable”. She then starts going on about how her new sensitivity to sunlight and cough are proof that she is entirely different (despite the fact that those symptoms sound like something a photosensitive person with bronchitis would suffer). She takes a moment to tell us how awesome her Maui Jim sunglasses are (we don’t care), coughs some more, and then realizes that she may actually be dying. And she’s just sitting in her car, like a lump. I don’t know, it seems to me that if turning into a vampire and needing to move somewhere before dying was a potential hazard in everyday life in this ‘verse, people would be taught the most effective ways to get in, get out, pack up their stuff, and get to the nearest House of Night. People do tend to take the idea of teenagers dropping dead seriously, you know.
AU Doesn’t Work Like That: 3
Ruin: It would likely be taught alongside those PSHE lessons in which you learn about puberty and LGBT identities (a.k.a. being gay is okay and that’s all we’ll say on the matter, and don’t ask what ‘T’ is because we don’t know either).
ZeldaQueen: : Right. And, as we pointed out before, it would make sense for the Tracker to stick around to answer her questions, make sure she gets to the HoN safely, and actually explain to her what everything means. (It would also explain it to the readers, who have fuck-all clue what’s going on right now. Ruin and I only know because this is the second time we read through this book.)
Zoey takes a minute to wangst about how the house she’s in front of doesn’t feel like home, then is grateful that her sister is still out at cheerleading practice. She also hopes that her brother is distracted by his latest video game, “Delta Force: Black Hawk Down”, to which she snootily says, “um…ew”
Miss Judgemental: 28
Ruin: I can’t tell if her disdain for a video game is because she genuinely hates them or because her writers are trying too hard to make her ‘appropriately female’, as though hating video games is encoded into the XX sex chromosome or something. I say this because I know you love video games, Zelda, but I know I can only just stand Tetris.
ZeldaQueen: I personally get the sense that it’s more of the Cast ladies soapboxing, because they don’t have Zoey show disgust at him playing video games. Oh my, no. It’s violent video games. It doesn’t sound like Zoey’s someone who doesn’t care for video games. She sounds like a mouthpiece for a moral guardian complaining about the values of today’s youth. Or, less flatteringly, she sounds like Nancy Stouffer using The Legend of Rah and the Muggles to rail about the United Nations, or having Rah be a goody-two-shoes prig and tell off Zyn for wanting to keep treasure found in a cave.
Ruin: Although, Delta Force isn’t violent compared to any game from the Grand Theft Auto series, in which you can steal cars, murder bystanders and physically assault a prostitute with a double-ended dildo. All with squirts of CGI blood.
ZeldaQueen: I don’t know about any of those games. Looking it up though, it looks like it’s rated for kids sixteen and up. I don’t think this book tells us how young Zoey’s brother is, but he seems to be in either elementary school or middle school in the graphic novel (his school has see-saws outside, which he and Zoey sit on while talking). That really begs the question of how he got the game to begin with, especially since we’re going to see that his mom’s apparently in denial over what he’s doing and his stepfather’s an ultra-strict fundamentalist parody.
Ruin: It’s likely that we’re seeing the oldest-middle-youngest sibling stereotype in play: The eldest is doted on and makes the rules, the youngest is babied and gets to ignore the rules, and the middle child must either be starved of their parents’ affections or be forced to follow the rules to the letter.
ZeldaQueen: Well, not quite. The oldest sister is virtually non-existent, to the point where the Cast ladies later forget entirely that she exists. Zoey doesn’t follow the rules either. She’s just held to them because Drama. I’m not sure if the Cast ladies noticed that dynamic or not, though.
So yeah, Zoey goes inside, glad that she’ll have her mom to herself to explain everything. There’s a rare moment of genuine emotional vulnerability where she really, really wants her mom to help her, then she whispers to to whatever god or goddess might be listening to let her mom understand. You know, I know there are people who don’t just say “pray to God” or some blanket “pray to whoever’s listening”, but I also know that we’re going to spend the rest of the series being hammered over the head with Nyx, the One True Goddess who is Better Than All Other Deities, and that irritates me.
Zoey goes inside and we’re introduced to her mom.
“She was in the family room, curled up on the edge of the couch, sipping a cup of coffee and reading Chicken Soup for a Woman's Soul. She looked so normal, so much like she used to look. Except that she used to read exotic romances and actually wear makeup. Both were things her new husband didn't allow (what a turd).”
Miss Judgemental: 30 (one for her being judgemental about her mom and one for her stepfather)
Ruin: ‘What a turd’ doesn’t even begin to cover that. What we see here is a pretty obvious example of domestic abuse (or, at least spousal control).
ZeldaQueen: Indeed, and the Cast ladies will only make it more and more obvious (which just makes the future treatment of Zoey’s mom much more disgusting, but that’s for later). For now though, I’m not sure what her stepdad’s standards are. like I said, he’s written as a fundamentalist to Jack Chick levels of insanity. So okay, he no doubt is intended to be all “makeup is evil and women should like back and think of England”. Okay, that’s hammy as hell, but nothing that hasn’t been done before. But then he’s apparently okay with his stepson playing incredibly violent games and his stepdaughter sleeping around? He fights with Zoey but doesn’t seem to ground her or cut privileges or yell at her for going to parties with her boyfriend? If he cares about putting on appearances so much (because of course he’s just a hypocrite about his beliefs, heaven forbid someone be morally wrong but at least sincere), how could he let that go on? According to Zoey, everyone seems to know about what her siblings get up to!
Ruin: Either that, or she’s exaggerating in order to emphasise how hard-done-by she is, and telling us that her sister apparently sleeps around in that deeply misogynistic way to stamp her foot, because “it’s not fair!”. This is her point of view, so there must be self-serving flaws.
ZeldaQueen: Were that indeed the case, that would be a fine use of unreliable narrator. Actually, given how her sister doesn’t seem to exist at all, there was a time when I considered writing a one shot from her mom’s point of view where the changes in the family were actually minor - the stepfather was religious and a bit strict but not to Evil Overlord levels, her little brother was a normal kid, and her mom just had a genuine change in interests. And Zoey apparently has been having a mental breakdown (possibly caused by the incoming vampirism) which made her delusionally insist that her brother is doing horrible things, her stepfather is a parody of a fundamentalist, her mom is in an abusive relationship and doesn’t realize it, and her (nonexistent) sister is an evil slut. Because really, by this point, all we have is her word.
Ruin: Talk about your internalised misogyny. Damn, Zoey, we will never be done talking about it.
ZeldaQueen: Nope! Also, I’m rolling my eyes at the fact that the first things we learn about how Zoey’s mom changed for the worst are she gave up makeup and stopped reading romances ohes noes! I’m not saying that it’s not domestic abuse. What I am saying is that most of PC’s leading characters are in a similar vein. I just finished Divine by Mistake and all her Mary Sue self insert does is think about romance and focus on the romance or sexy guys in books, poems, or movies. It’s the only aspect she cares about. We’ll see that the same is true for Zoey and her friends - whether it’s Star Wars or 300, all they fuss about is whether or not there’s sufficient fanservice to drool over. Nobody is interested in something for the characters or the themes or the jokes. There’s never a varied interest. So of course one of the signs that Zoey’s mom is Not True To Herself is that she dares to not conform to what the Cast ladies have all their other heroines like.
Zoey approaches her mom and we again get a rare emotional moment as she calls to her mom with “Mama”, which was apparently what she called her before the stepfather arrived on the scene.
Ruin: It feels genuinely heartfelt, I have to say. It actually makes me wish I had a reason to say ‘Mummy’ every once in a while.
ZeldaQueen: Of course, the Cast ladies promptly ruin it by driving in how Zoey is abandoned and alone and how her mom is useless. Her mom takes one look at her, sees the tattoo, and goes “Oh, God! What have you done now?”. I gigglesnorted at that line, which I’m fairly certain is the exact opposite of what the Cast ladies intended to invoke.
Ruin: It reminds me of my grandmother’s reaction to my brother getting a Bon Jovi themed tattoo, but again, that isn’t the intended reaction. I think that the Cast ladies are trying to invoke an idea of the LGBT teen experience.
ZeldaQueen: Instead, I’m just imagining, “Where you out drinking with the vampires last night, young lady? Is that why your bra was hanging on the flagpole in the neighbor’s yard?”
So yeah, Zoey’s mom promptly starts weeping and wailing about how ever will she manage to tell her husband about this? She refers to him as Zoey’s father, and Zoey pointlessly tells us that her biological father left fourteen years ago and hasn’t contacted them since and she and her mom get into fights over Zoey refusing to acknowledge her stepfather as her real dad. As a head’s up, guys, this is the start of a long line of Daddy Issues in the series. I’m not sure why, but fathers really aren’t portrayed kindly.
Zoey’s mom has all but turned into a caricature of a hysterical, screechy woman, so Zoey… uh, suggests waiting a couple of days to tell him. Because that will surely help matters!
Procrastinators Unite Tomorrow: 2
Zoey’s mom demands to know how they’ll pull that off, considering that apparently makeup can’t be used to cover the mark. I’m… really not sure why that would be. They’re just tattoos. It’s not like with Meyer’s vampires, which somehow ooze venom that eats through stuff. And yes the tattoos aren’t normal, but they’re somehow caused by genetics (we’ll...get to that) and thus should act like a normal tattoo.
Ruin: Is she suggesting that vampire tattoos are just, so bright and Goddess-Given and glowy that no human makeup can cover it? It is just that righteous?
ZeldaQueen: Probably, but we’re going to find out that all vampires at the House of Night are given a special concealer to cover their marks. So...uh, they can’t be covered except that they can.
Zoey’s mom continues to freak and asks what, oh what, they will tell her stepfather to explain why Zoey’s not around. Zoey suggests saying that she’s staying over with Kayla for a few days to work on a project. You know, I’m pretty sure using someone else as an alibi only works if that person is in on it, or at least is willing to play along. All her stepfather has to do is call Kayla’s house and the plan goes down the drain. Not to mention, if the stepfather is as strict as we’re told he is, I doubt he’d take Zoey spending time with her loose-moraled friend (as I’m sure he’d see her) any better.
Of course, Zoey’s suggestion doesn’t go over well with her mom.
“I watched my mom's eyes change. The concern faded from them and was replaced by a hardness that I recognized all too well.
‘So what you're saying is that you want me to lie to him.’
‘No, Mom. What I'm saying is that I want you, for once, to put what I need before what he wants. I want you to be my mama. To help me pack and to drive with me to this new school because I'm scared and sick and I don't know if I can do it all by myself!’ I finished in a rush, breathing hard and coughing into my hand.”
ZeldaQueen: Zoey? You’re asking your mom to tell her husband something that’s not really happening. So yes, you are saying that you want her to lie to him. You could easily ask your mom to help you pack and drive you to the House of Night without trying to fix a problem by ignoring it! Not to mention that it’s easy for you to get pissy about this. You’re the one who’s going to be safely hidden away in a vampire school! She’s the one who has to face her husband, who you just told us is very controlling, about lying to him!
But noooo, Zoey’s mom’s the one in the wrong here! She gets angry at Zoey accusing her of being a bad mother, to which Zoey responds that her mom is selfish and doesn’t notice anything besides what her husband wants. I’ll give everyone a minute to imagine how their moms would react to that.
Ruin: My mother would be horrified to think that someone thought her actions were selfish - this amazing woman placed me in my grandparents’ guardianship knowing that, if she took me with her, I would be sleeping on the street.
ZeldaQueen: Mine would be furious. She always does her best with me and my brother. We aren’t sitcom-family perfect, but I’d never accuse her of ignoring us in favor of our dad!
Her mom, meanwhile, makes some good points. Her husband apparently gets paid very well for being a straw character, so the family has enough money that the mom could quit a terrible job, the family could live in a safe place in a big beautiful house, and they’re all well-provided for.
Ruin: Usually, after getting a dose of her mother’s Thankful Speech, Zoey backs down and goes to her room. Today would not be that day.
ZeldaQueen: Nope. Although her finally putting her foot down would, no doubt, be more meaningful if this wasn’t the first time we saw her interacting with her mom.
I might also add that it makes Zoey hypocritical, again. We hear nothing about her having a job, and she’s still dependant on her parents. Who are we supposed to think pays for those Maui Jim sunglasses we hear her yammering on about? That’s an expensive brand of sunglasses, folks. I used to work at Lens Crafters, and that brand could easily reach six hundred dollars, depending on the style, especially if it was prescription (as Zoey’s might be, since she does wear contacts). The Maui Jim brand doesn’t let itself be discounted under sales or insurance, you see. So, who paid for them? Or her car - did she buy that thing herself? Does she pay for her own insurance on it? What about the clothes and makeup she has?
In other words, Zoey seems quite fine with spending her stepfather’s money, but is pissy when her mom dares to remind her where it comes from.
Zoey continues to rant, which gets tinged with more than a little purple.
“No, Mother. The truth is that because of him you haven't paid any attention to your kids for three years. Did you know that your oldest daughter has turned into a sneaky, spoiled slut who's screwed half of the football team? Do you know what nasty, bloody video games Kevin keeps hidden from you? No, of course you don't! The two of them act happy and pretend to like John and the whole damn make-believe family thing, so you smile at them and pray for them and let them do whatever. And me? You think I'm the bad one because I don't pretend-because I'm honest. You know what? I'm so sick of my life that I'm glad the Tracker Marked me! They call that vampyre school the House of Night, but it can't be any darker than this perfect home!”
Ruin: There is just too much to cover in this.
ZeldaQueen: Still, we must try. Let us begin with the counts.
Miss Judgemental: 33 (one for her siblings and her mom)
Tired Metaphor: 10 (for that “not as dark as our house” bit, ouch that pained me!)
Now, we’ve already ranted about her attitude towards her siblings. Here’s something new, though. Apparently they’re only pretending to like their stepfather. *patiently folds her hands in front of her* How are we supposed to know that? What evidence is there of it? We know virtually nothing about them and their relationship with their stepfather. In fact, given how the book’s morality is constantly skewed to what Zoey thinks is right, it sounds uncomfortably like Zoey is the only one who hates the stepfather and just is convinced that her siblings hate him as well, because who could like him?
Ruin: Which would indicate an empathy problem.
ZeldaQueen: No kidding!
Zoey concludes her wangst-fest by running into her room, complete with slamming the door. She tells us that she can hear her mom tearfully calling her stepfather, then reminds us that she needs to go to the House of Night soon. She starts packing by dumping out her school stuff, figuring that “They probably don't even have normal classes. probably have classes like Ripping Peoples Throats Out um and…and…Intro to How to See in the Dark Whatever.”
Smells Like Teen Spirit: 4
Again, I have to ask how nobody has any clue what goes on in the House of Nights! They don’t keep their lives secret! No to mention, countless celebrities are vampires, meaning they would have been taught there! Did those famous writers, singers, and actors never get interviewed about their schooling? Not to mention, if the students-to-be have no clue what their new lives are like, how are they supposed to know what to bring with them?
AU Doesn’t Work Like That: 4
Ruin: Is there a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell to satisfy the humans, or something? Again I ask, are they trying to display vampirism as an allegory for being LGBT?
ZeldaQueen: They kinda are using vampires in a X-men-ish way, with them sort of being a stand-in for minorities in general. Mostly though, the narmish allegories are more racial than about sexuality. For example, one vampire talks about Zoey dating a human in a way that draws to mind a black person dating a white person in the days of yore. But yeah, considering that the House of Nights have open house nights when families visit their kids and talk to their teachers, there really should be no excuse.
So, Zoey is leaving her home forever. She is off to live somewhere unfamiliar, with no clue what her living arrangements will be like or what her financial situation will be. What does she decide to bring with her?
“My two favorite pairs of jeans, besides what I had on. A couple of black T-shirts. I mean, what else do vampyres wear? Plus, they are slimming. I almost passed on my cute aqua-colored sparkly cami, but all that black was bound to make me more depressed…so I included it. Then I stuffed tons of bras and thongs and hair and makeup things into the side pouch. I almost left my stuffed animal, Otis the Shish (couldn't say fish when I was two), on my pillow, but…well…vampyre or not I didn't think I could sleep very well without him. So I tucked him gently into the damn backpack.”
ZeldaQueen: Now, I may be a rather neurotic person, but I’m pretty sure that I’d pack a few more things than three pairs of jeans, a couple of t-shirts, a cami, some bras and thongs (really, guys?) and hair and makeup stuff. Ruin? How about you?
Ruin: I would take notebook paper, pens, post-it notes, and at least five books I couldn’t leave behind - but even narrowing that down to five would be tough.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, I’d have my laptop, books, and figurines, but there’d be other things. Like, oh, say, toiletries. Was Zoey planning to use her finger to brush her teeth? Did she not plan to floss?
Ruin: I doubt she knows by this point if fledgling vampire girls menstruate, so wouldn’t she consider taking sanitary equipment? Or shampoo and conditioner? Soap?
ZeldaQueen: And while I know they’re in Oklahoma and thus probably don’t need much by way of winter wear, isn’t she planning on taking a wider variety of clothes? Maybe some shorts, for relaxing? Something a little dressier, for special occasions? And no, I don’t mean dates. I mean for job interviews, that sort of thing. No shoes, besides the pair she’s wearing? Fuck, no money? That’s kind of fucking important, I’d say!
So yeah, yet AGAIN I ask, WHY DOESN’T THE HOUSE OF NIGHT GIVE ANY INDICATION OF WHAT STUDENTS NEED TO DO AND BRING???
Ruin: AT LEAST THE HARRY POTTER SERIES THOUGHT TO CONSIDER THIS! WITH A LIST. FROM THE DEPUTY HEAD.
ZeldaQueen: AND A TEACHER SHOWING UP TO TAKE STUDENTS TO DIAGON ALLEY AND HELP THEM BUY THE STUFF!
Ruin: WITH FUNDING FOR STUDENTS WHO CAN’T AFFORD SCHOOL EQUIPMENT.
ZeldaQueen: AND EXTRA SUPPLIES AT THE SCHOOL FOR STUDENTS WHO END UP TAKING UNEXPECTED CLASSES. *HEAVES BREATH* Oh God, my vocal chords… Thank God, we’re about done! Zoey’s stepdad apparently teleports home in the five minutes or so it must have taken for her to pack and demands she come out and talk to him. And there the chapter ends.
Tired Metaphor - 10
Sledgehammer Of Symbolism - 0
Miss Judgemental - 33
As Paris In The Spring - 0
Stereotypes Mambo - 15
Procrastinators Unite Tomorrow - 2
SUBTLE FORESHADOWING - 1
Smells Like Teen Spirit - 4
Vampire Elitist Snobs - 2
All The Beautiful People - 1
Interfaith Smoothie - 0
AU Doesn’t Work Like That - 4
Speshul Snowflake: 0
My Deus Ex Machina Senses Are Tingling: 0
Let's Have A Ho-Down: 1
Chapter 1 | Table of Contents | Chapter 3
Ruin: In a masochistic sort of way, yes. Let us spork.
Chapter 2
ZeldaQueen: Awesome! We jump forward an unspecified amount of time, when Zoey realizes that the parking lot is empty and she can leave. She pauses only to make note of “some random kid wearing those seriously unattractive gang wanna-be baggy pants”, because that’s so damned necessary.
Miss Judgemental: 24
Ruin: [random kid]: You wot, mate? Dese trews are proper bangin’! Yer mum loved ‘em on ‘er floor last neet! … Wanker.
We have not begun, and her Judgemental antics have made me angry.
ZeldaQueen: It’s also only the second chapter in the first book. We can only go downhill.
Zoey starts off across the parking lot and begins to suffer one of very few drawbacks that comes with being a vampire - the sunlight hurts her. Or, at least she tells us it does. She doesn’t actually sound like she’s in much pain and apparently holding her hand up to block the sun from her eyes is enough to help, so it just sounds like she’s having an issue with glare. I’m also not sure how the vampires are photosensitive, but we’ll save that for when we spork the explanation on how vampires happen.
What ought to be a simple matter of walking across the parking lot suddenly turns into an ordeal, though. A pick-up truck arrives, carrying Heath, his friend Dustin, and Dustin’s brother, Drew. If you guessed that Dustin and Drew cease to exist after this scene, congratulations. You’ve cottoned on to how PC and Kristin write. They really don’t do anything in this scene either, besides drive a pick-up truck and wrestle each other, as all stereotypical meathead teenage boys do.
Stereotypes Mambo: 12
Ruin: I don’t always wish for George R. R. Martin to be writing anything other than ‘A Song of Fire and Ice’, but when I do, it’s because that man knows what he is doing with every one of his characters, and that’s inspirational.
ZeldaQueen: Agreed. I’m not asking for every character named to get an encyclopedia’s worth of backstory, but there’s a difference between naming a character in passing to give a sense of what’s going on (for example, how Harry Potter would mention characters we’d never see or hear about again as conversation or the subjects of noodle incidents) and having nearly every character mentioned and appearing in the first two chapters vanish for much of the series and be lucky to make even a second appearance! For as much as any of this matters, the first chapter could have started with Zoey shut in her room, furious at her parents for not letting her go out to see Heath at a party, and then scared to see the vampire hanging out her window to mark her. It sets the stage, it establishes that Zoey’s parents are restrictive, and it cuts out an entire chapter’s worth of unnecessary characters and plot.
Ruin: Yes! What I think the Cast ladies do not understand is that the characters she’s mentioning are not throwaways (except for maybe That-One-Boy-Who-Got-Marked-At-School) - these are people who, before Zoey’s marking, were an integral part of her life outside her restrictive home. Kayla was her best friend, and as Jared was her boyfriend, he’d have had a presence even with a Sisters-Before-Misters rule. Dustin and Drew were Heath’s bros, probably ‘wingmen’, so she would have known them at least in passing if a Dudes-Before-Girl-Dudes rule is in play.
I’m jawing on about these people because, again, they are not extras like Student #42 - they are, or should be, meaningful characters for Zoey since they are her figurative Social Buoys. I’m also jawing on about them, because, after this scene, we may never see them ever again, and that grieves me.
ZeldaQueen: Very well-said! For all the Cast Ladies try to portray Zoey as a friendless loser, that shows that she clearly isn’t! And dear lord, even Stephenie Meyer did a better job of trying to turn Bella’s non-vampire friends into reoccurring characters! Yes it sucked, but she still had them show up or be talked about multiple times and had Bella (somehow) remember them!
So yeah, Zoey conveniently forgets that she’s now a vampire (except she doesn’t forget, because she’s narrating and tells us “Yeah, I forgot I was a vampire”) and yells at Heath because he’s on the school grounds and has a beer with him. Frankly, given the absurd levels of intoxication we’ll see him at later, it’s amazing he hasn’t been caught before now. But hey, that’s what happens when Suethors decide to base an alcoholic teen after every sitcom frat boy ever.
Ruin: Not that they had been treating this with any gravity anyway, but that Heath is the Stereotypical Frat Boy makes this worse - he’s a teen alcoholic. I have seen members of my family, dear and wonderful people that they were and are, suffer with alcoholism, and it isn’t a joke. Heath is sixteen years old, at the passionate, stressful, care-free conundrum of his youth - that he is suffering with it at this time makes it all the worse.
ZeldaQueen: Well, this charming book later has a tasteless joke about anorexic people and the series itself had the big bad - who is treated as utterly monstrous and irredeemable - have her start of darkness be trying to marry someone to escape her father’s emotional (and later sexual) abuse. The idea of handling teen alcoholism as a tragic issue that needs professional help and support isn’t going to be happening. It’s just getting thrown in with pot-smoking and blowjobs for the moral of “Ewwwwww, what sort of loser would do that?”
Stereotype Mambo: 13
ZeldaQueen: Zoey starts to get her stuff in her car and, for some reason, thinks it’d be a great idea to make small talk with Heath. You know, because clearly nothing important is happening! Heath tells her that football practice was canceled because they won their last game (does...football really work like that in high school?) and then starts asking if Zoey’s angry with him. Why does he think Zoey is angry with him? Well, he thinks Kayla said something to her about him cheating on her! Well gee, isn’t this interesting! Zoey’s boyfriend, who we know zippo about besides his drinking problem, might possibly be having an affair! And the whole thing is connected to Zoey’s friend, who we also know zippo about and who disappears entirely after this book! Wow, what intrigue! I sure am glad this is being brought up, instead of more on the whole death-by-vampire stuff!
Zoey reminds us again that she has forgotten that she is a vampire before turning to ask Heath what he’s saying. He starts to insist he did nothing, but upon seeing her mark, “his innocent act and his excuses faded into an unattractive open-mouthed look of shock”.
Miss Judgemental: 25
Because clearly it’s vital to the scene to note that Heath looks unattractive while stunned. Zoey hushes him up so Dustin and Drew don’t notice. And naturally takes a minute to bash them for being “totally tone deaf” as they sing along to the latest Toby Keith CD.
Miss Judgemental: 26
Stereotype Mambo: 14
ZeldaQueen: And yes, I know it might just be that they like Toby Keith, but trust me on this one. As we’re going to see throughout this series, the Cast Ladies are quite fond of writing Oklahoma people as loving nothing more than country music, horses, Native American culture, and generally anything that makes them seem like they live on the back of a hay wagon with a piece of grass in their mouth and a cowboy hat on their head. It’s pretty strange, considering that they live in Tulsa and ought to know better, but I guess it’s like how Frollo Freak wrote all about her Mary Sue, Danisha, being from Indiana like she was and had her do nothing but talk about baseball, fried foods, ragtime, and other stereotypical things from that area.
So yeah. Heath, who I’m mentally imagining speaking in the stereotypical “dumb jock” voice that nearly every animated kid’s show uses, protests that Zoey can’t be a vampire, since they’re dating. I know his brain’s supposed to be pickled, but that makes no sense. Doubly so since, as I pointed out before, there’s fuck-all nothing keeping her from continuing to date him! Hell, despite a few attempts at indicating that vampire/human relationships are difficult (hello thar, interracial dating metaphor! We’ll be addressing you later!), the backstories we get have plenty of vampires who have human lovers. Zoey has an entirely different reason to protest - she’s been kinda breaking up with Heath, as you’ll recall. I’m not entirely certain if she told him yet that she was dumping him, so her being pissed at him not knowing this is a bit harsh.
But never mind that now, for Zoey is interrupted with a plot-convenient bout of coughing. The Interchangeable Brothers in the truck tell her to lay off the cigarettes considering how she’s hacking her lungs up, and Heath helpfully tells them, “Dude! Leave her alone. You know she don't smoke. She's a vampyre.”
Ruin: ‘You know she don’t smoke’? I have a feeling that this stems from a noodle incident relating to yet another rant about yet another ‘typical teenage behaviour’ that she finds abhorrent.
ZeldaQueen: You’d be right. Zoey, despite being morally bankrupt as we’ll see, is meant to be a great role model and thus is very preachy about what the Cast ladies thing Good Teenage Girls should and shouldn’t do. But smoking at least gets off light compared to the ranting about the evils of pot and blowjobs. That’s for later, though.
For now, the Interchangeable Brothers stick their heads out the window, upon hearing Heath’s words. Zoey instantly starts wangsting about how they’re looking at her like she’s a “science experiment”. Because… uh, just looking out the window of a car indicates that. Look, maybe it’s insensitive of me, but if I was just told, “Hey, this person’s a vampire”? I’m going to have a look. Because that would be frigging awesome.
Ruin: Yes, plus according to this universe, the vampires are all in the top artistic and athletic fields - actors, artists, singers, archers, waterpolo players, for example. You’d think being associated with that would just get people interested in you.
ZeldaQueen: And they’re supposed to be inhumanly beautiful, to boot. To top it all off, these people apparently rarely see vampires (somehow), so it stands to reason that when one of their classmates turns into one, they’d want to take a gander to see what the big deal is!
But no, that’s not it. This is meant to be a heavy-handed attempt to show the “prejudice” humans have for vampires. The instant the Interchangeable Brothers notice that Zoey’s a vampire, one of them comments, “Well, shit. Zoey's a fucking freak!” Because yeah, that’s the most biting insult a teenager can come up with. Sure. I have to ask, have the Cast ladies ever heard the sort of things even your garden-variety high school bully says? Because if they did, I think they’d realize that an exclamation like that wouldn’t even cross most teenagers’ minds as some sort of a slur. It’d be normal after-school language. And that certainly is nowhere near the sort of slurs or offensive language used to insult people of real-life minorities or sexual orientations! But again, we’ll get to that last part when it’s made more explicit. *sighs*
Zoey, for her part, considers this her tipping point. For the record, she’s been a vampire for all of… let’s say two hours to be generous. For that period of time, she has (A) had her very energetic friend freak out somewhat, (B) had a kid she doesn’t even know stare at her as she and said friend make a racket in the hallway, and (C) has a kid we hardly know call her something mildly rude in surprise. But no, Zoey simply can’t deal with this. She yells at the Interchangeable brothers to shut up and leave her alone because “[She’s] had a really bad day and I do[es] not need this crap from [them].” We’ll have to take her word on that, since we’ve only seen the tail end of her day and hardly anything bad has happened to her. And no, I’m not counting her turning into a vampire, because we all know already that there are virtually no downsides to it and she’s going to become one Sue to Rule Them All.
Ruin: *Weeps bitterly*
ZeldaQueen: Indeed. *offers tissues* We then start on what could have been a genuinely interesting and believable drawback to vampirisim, if it wasn’t forgotten when it was inconvenient - Zoey goes on a complete and utter power trip.
“And as I kept eye contact with Dustin I realized something -something that shocked and weirdly excited me: Dustin looked scared. Really scared. I glared back at Drew. He looked scared, too. Then I felt it. A tingling sensation that crawled over my skin and made my new Mark burn.
Power. I felt power.”
ZeldaQueen: Behold, our Heroine. This is quite telling, I must say. Now, were this a better-written vampire story? I’d think that this was something vampires had to control. It would be a good drawback to all that power, and a legitimate reason for a school so secluded from humans - fledgling vampires are prone to bouts of insanity where they subjugate those weaker than them and drink their blood, so the adult vampires need to teach them control before they can live amongst humans.
The thing is, this never is mentioned with any other vampires, nor does Zoey experience anything like it again. Coupling that with how she acts like this after getting pissed at the Interchangeable Brothers, it reads like she’s just enjoying being able to scare anyone who insults her. And… uh, given some of the stuff she does later in the series, that’s not too far off base.
The Interchangeable Brothers wisely decide to get the fuck out of there. Unfortunately, they decide to zoom off while Heath is still on the bed, causing him to fall out and hit the ground. Zoey runs over to see if he’s alright aaaaaand we suddenly go into every cliched “Vampirism is a sexy commercial” scene ever.
"Then I smelled it. Something smelled amazing-hot and sweet and delicious.
Was Heath wearing new cologne? One of those weird pheromone things that are supposed to attract women like a big genetically engineered bug zapper? I didn't realize how close I was to him until he stood up straight and our bodies were almost pressed together. He looked down at me, a question in his eyes.
I didn't back away from him. I should have. I would have before…but not now. Not today.
‘Zo?’ he said softly, his voice deep and husky.
‘You smell really good,’ I couldn't stop myself from saying. My heart was pounding so loud that I could hear its echo in my throbbing temples."
ZeldaQueen: My God, but that’s harlequin!
Smells Like Teen Spirit: 3 (“Weird pheromone things”, hello?)
Tired Metaphor: 7 (One for his blood - and yes, that’s what it is - being sweet and delicious-smelling, one for his voice being “deep and husky”, and one for Zoey’s heart beating so loudly she can hear it)
Heath starts going on about how he misses her and they need to get back together - I have no clue where they are in their relationship and I don’t care - and when he goes to touch her face, they both notice that his hand is scraped and bloody from the fall. Zoey starts eying it like a terrier staring at a biscuit and tells us, “I could only imagine what I must look like, with my face all white, my new Mark blazingly outlined in sapphire blue, and my eyes staring at the blood on his hand”. Uh, you look like a pale person with a tattoo on your forehead, staring at someone’s hand. What do you think that looks like? Is this like how Meyer thinks sparkling is the most terrifying sight ever?
Ruin: It must be, because Zoey staring at Heath’s bloody hand doesn’t sound as “scary” and “evil” and “predatorial” as she thinks it does. It sounds like she’s considering if she has any anti-septic cream along with the goo in her bag.
ZeldaQueen: That’s what happens when writing is incredibly bland. It’s certainly not convincing as being as erotic and irresistible as Zoey insists it is, certainly not when she tells us that she isn’t able to voice “the overwhelming surge of white-hot desire that was trying to drown [her]”.
Tired Metaphor: 8
I wish you would drown. To quote Statler and Waldorf from The Muppets’ Most Wanted, then we could all go home early.
So yeah, this scene pretty much abruptly ends when the Interchangeable Brothers return, grab Heath, and throw him in the truck. One of them once again calls Zoey a freak, which I’m sure is supposed to be more evidence that humans are irrationally anti-vampire. Considering that Zoey was going on about how nummy Heath’s blood smelled, them being worried about his well-being seems pretty justified. Of course, if we look at what actually happened, it’s just really stupid. They drove off, turned around to go back to Heath, and saw Heath and Zoey… just sitting on the ground, with her staring at his hand. She wasn’t licking the blood or sniffing his neck. There’s no reason for them or the book to treat it like they walked in on some dark scene.
With Heath and the Interchangeable Brothers abruptly out of the picture, Zoey shakingly gets in her car and heads home. As she heads off, she tells herself, “I wouldn't think about what had just happened. I couldn't think about what had just happened”. While I can understand a person being in denial or not being able to handle the thought of starting to act in an inhuman way, we’re going to see that this is pretty much Zoey’s coping mechanism for everything, sans ever actually dealing with the problem if it’s at all possible.
Procrastinators Unite Tomorrow: 1
Ruin: That’s not coping with a problem. That’s the opposite of coping at all.
ZeldaQueen: This is true, but apparently nobody ever told the Cast ladies this.
One fifteen-minute time skip later, Zoey pulls up into her driveway. She pauses to prepare herself for the inevitable scene that is to follow “sure as lightning follows thunder”, because that sounds like the sort of figurative language she’s been using thus far.
Tired Metaphor: 9
She wonders why she was in such a hurry to get there. I have to wonder the same. She hates her family and makes no secret of it. One would think that if she needed comfort, she’d go immediately to her grandmother (the only member of her family treated as worthwhile). I could understand the need to get her stuff, but we’re later going to find out that apparently the vampires can arrange to have her things brought over. Again, if the Tracker vampire would explain this stuff, it’d be very helpful!
Zoey, amazingly, actually does think back on what just happened. She starts trying to convince herself that “there was probably some kind of rational explanation for everything”, which kind of doesn’t work if one has just turned into a frigging vampire. And yes, I know plenty of horror movies have the protagonist try to handwave supernatural things as having realistic explanations. That trope doesn’t exactly fly, though, when one is working with an alternate universe where vampires and magic are realistic things, and have been since ancient times!
AU Doesn’t Work Like That: 2
She then charmingly tells us that “Dustin and Drew were retards- totally immature beer-brains”. HO-LEY fuck, Cast Ladies. You have Zoey soapbox about the Evils of Blowjobs, but having her casually call people “retards” is acceptable as everyday teen behavior? I mean, yes I know there are people, teenagers and otherwise, who use that word when they really, really shouldn’t, but couldn’t you have added it to the list of things Zoey doesn’t approve of?
Miss Judgemental: 27
One for that and one for the “beer-brains” jab (which I suspect shouldn’t have a hyphen, either). But of course, it’s justified. They’re football players like Heath, so it’s only natural for them to drink a lot!
Stereotypes Mambo: 15
Zoey continues to try to convince herself that the Interchangeable Brothers were just scared of her being a vampire (which leads to her stupidly and randomly declaring that she isn’t a vampire), and that she didn’t use a creepy power on them. I’m inclined to agree with this, even though I get the definite sense that we’re supposed to see Zoey being in denial over it. As far as I know in the rest of the series, vampires don’t have the ability to terrify humans with their gaze, at least not beyond the standard “Mary Sue Death Glare” way. That bit was a Big Lipped Alligator Moment in terms of vampire canon here. It reminds me of how the first Cirque de Freak book had a newly-vampirized Darren accidentally hypnotizing his little sister with a look, only for that vampiric power to never crop up again.
Zoey starts thinking about how she was so turned on by Heath’s blood, then freaks out and reminds herself that “Blood was not beautiful or desirable”. She then starts going on about how her new sensitivity to sunlight and cough are proof that she is entirely different (despite the fact that those symptoms sound like something a photosensitive person with bronchitis would suffer). She takes a moment to tell us how awesome her Maui Jim sunglasses are (we don’t care), coughs some more, and then realizes that she may actually be dying. And she’s just sitting in her car, like a lump. I don’t know, it seems to me that if turning into a vampire and needing to move somewhere before dying was a potential hazard in everyday life in this ‘verse, people would be taught the most effective ways to get in, get out, pack up their stuff, and get to the nearest House of Night. People do tend to take the idea of teenagers dropping dead seriously, you know.
AU Doesn’t Work Like That: 3
Ruin: It would likely be taught alongside those PSHE lessons in which you learn about puberty and LGBT identities (a.k.a. being gay is okay and that’s all we’ll say on the matter, and don’t ask what ‘T’ is because we don’t know either).
ZeldaQueen: : Right. And, as we pointed out before, it would make sense for the Tracker to stick around to answer her questions, make sure she gets to the HoN safely, and actually explain to her what everything means. (It would also explain it to the readers, who have fuck-all clue what’s going on right now. Ruin and I only know because this is the second time we read through this book.)
Zoey takes a minute to wangst about how the house she’s in front of doesn’t feel like home, then is grateful that her sister is still out at cheerleading practice. She also hopes that her brother is distracted by his latest video game, “Delta Force: Black Hawk Down”, to which she snootily says, “um…ew”
Miss Judgemental: 28
Ruin: I can’t tell if her disdain for a video game is because she genuinely hates them or because her writers are trying too hard to make her ‘appropriately female’, as though hating video games is encoded into the XX sex chromosome or something. I say this because I know you love video games, Zelda, but I know I can only just stand Tetris.
ZeldaQueen: I personally get the sense that it’s more of the Cast ladies soapboxing, because they don’t have Zoey show disgust at him playing video games. Oh my, no. It’s violent video games. It doesn’t sound like Zoey’s someone who doesn’t care for video games. She sounds like a mouthpiece for a moral guardian complaining about the values of today’s youth. Or, less flatteringly, she sounds like Nancy Stouffer using The Legend of Rah and the Muggles to rail about the United Nations, or having Rah be a goody-two-shoes prig and tell off Zyn for wanting to keep treasure found in a cave.
Ruin: Although, Delta Force isn’t violent compared to any game from the Grand Theft Auto series, in which you can steal cars, murder bystanders and physically assault a prostitute with a double-ended dildo. All with squirts of CGI blood.
ZeldaQueen: I don’t know about any of those games. Looking it up though, it looks like it’s rated for kids sixteen and up. I don’t think this book tells us how young Zoey’s brother is, but he seems to be in either elementary school or middle school in the graphic novel (his school has see-saws outside, which he and Zoey sit on while talking). That really begs the question of how he got the game to begin with, especially since we’re going to see that his mom’s apparently in denial over what he’s doing and his stepfather’s an ultra-strict fundamentalist parody.
Ruin: It’s likely that we’re seeing the oldest-middle-youngest sibling stereotype in play: The eldest is doted on and makes the rules, the youngest is babied and gets to ignore the rules, and the middle child must either be starved of their parents’ affections or be forced to follow the rules to the letter.
ZeldaQueen: Well, not quite. The oldest sister is virtually non-existent, to the point where the Cast ladies later forget entirely that she exists. Zoey doesn’t follow the rules either. She’s just held to them because Drama. I’m not sure if the Cast ladies noticed that dynamic or not, though.
So yeah, Zoey goes inside, glad that she’ll have her mom to herself to explain everything. There’s a rare moment of genuine emotional vulnerability where she really, really wants her mom to help her, then she whispers to to whatever god or goddess might be listening to let her mom understand. You know, I know there are people who don’t just say “pray to God” or some blanket “pray to whoever’s listening”, but I also know that we’re going to spend the rest of the series being hammered over the head with Nyx, the One True Goddess who is Better Than All Other Deities, and that irritates me.
Zoey goes inside and we’re introduced to her mom.
“She was in the family room, curled up on the edge of the couch, sipping a cup of coffee and reading Chicken Soup for a Woman's Soul. She looked so normal, so much like she used to look. Except that she used to read exotic romances and actually wear makeup. Both were things her new husband didn't allow (what a turd).”
Miss Judgemental: 30 (one for her being judgemental about her mom and one for her stepfather)
Ruin: ‘What a turd’ doesn’t even begin to cover that. What we see here is a pretty obvious example of domestic abuse (or, at least spousal control).
ZeldaQueen: Indeed, and the Cast ladies will only make it more and more obvious (which just makes the future treatment of Zoey’s mom much more disgusting, but that’s for later). For now though, I’m not sure what her stepdad’s standards are. like I said, he’s written as a fundamentalist to Jack Chick levels of insanity. So okay, he no doubt is intended to be all “makeup is evil and women should like back and think of England”. Okay, that’s hammy as hell, but nothing that hasn’t been done before. But then he’s apparently okay with his stepson playing incredibly violent games and his stepdaughter sleeping around? He fights with Zoey but doesn’t seem to ground her or cut privileges or yell at her for going to parties with her boyfriend? If he cares about putting on appearances so much (because of course he’s just a hypocrite about his beliefs, heaven forbid someone be morally wrong but at least sincere), how could he let that go on? According to Zoey, everyone seems to know about what her siblings get up to!
Ruin: Either that, or she’s exaggerating in order to emphasise how hard-done-by she is, and telling us that her sister apparently sleeps around in that deeply misogynistic way to stamp her foot, because “it’s not fair!”. This is her point of view, so there must be self-serving flaws.
ZeldaQueen: Were that indeed the case, that would be a fine use of unreliable narrator. Actually, given how her sister doesn’t seem to exist at all, there was a time when I considered writing a one shot from her mom’s point of view where the changes in the family were actually minor - the stepfather was religious and a bit strict but not to Evil Overlord levels, her little brother was a normal kid, and her mom just had a genuine change in interests. And Zoey apparently has been having a mental breakdown (possibly caused by the incoming vampirism) which made her delusionally insist that her brother is doing horrible things, her stepfather is a parody of a fundamentalist, her mom is in an abusive relationship and doesn’t realize it, and her (nonexistent) sister is an evil slut. Because really, by this point, all we have is her word.
Ruin: Talk about your internalised misogyny. Damn, Zoey, we will never be done talking about it.
ZeldaQueen: Nope! Also, I’m rolling my eyes at the fact that the first things we learn about how Zoey’s mom changed for the worst are she gave up makeup and stopped reading romances ohes noes! I’m not saying that it’s not domestic abuse. What I am saying is that most of PC’s leading characters are in a similar vein. I just finished Divine by Mistake and all her Mary Sue self insert does is think about romance and focus on the romance or sexy guys in books, poems, or movies. It’s the only aspect she cares about. We’ll see that the same is true for Zoey and her friends - whether it’s Star Wars or 300, all they fuss about is whether or not there’s sufficient fanservice to drool over. Nobody is interested in something for the characters or the themes or the jokes. There’s never a varied interest. So of course one of the signs that Zoey’s mom is Not True To Herself is that she dares to not conform to what the Cast ladies have all their other heroines like.
Zoey approaches her mom and we again get a rare emotional moment as she calls to her mom with “Mama”, which was apparently what she called her before the stepfather arrived on the scene.
Ruin: It feels genuinely heartfelt, I have to say. It actually makes me wish I had a reason to say ‘Mummy’ every once in a while.
ZeldaQueen: Of course, the Cast ladies promptly ruin it by driving in how Zoey is abandoned and alone and how her mom is useless. Her mom takes one look at her, sees the tattoo, and goes “Oh, God! What have you done now?”. I gigglesnorted at that line, which I’m fairly certain is the exact opposite of what the Cast ladies intended to invoke.
Ruin: It reminds me of my grandmother’s reaction to my brother getting a Bon Jovi themed tattoo, but again, that isn’t the intended reaction. I think that the Cast ladies are trying to invoke an idea of the LGBT teen experience.
ZeldaQueen: Instead, I’m just imagining, “Where you out drinking with the vampires last night, young lady? Is that why your bra was hanging on the flagpole in the neighbor’s yard?”
So yeah, Zoey’s mom promptly starts weeping and wailing about how ever will she manage to tell her husband about this? She refers to him as Zoey’s father, and Zoey pointlessly tells us that her biological father left fourteen years ago and hasn’t contacted them since and she and her mom get into fights over Zoey refusing to acknowledge her stepfather as her real dad. As a head’s up, guys, this is the start of a long line of Daddy Issues in the series. I’m not sure why, but fathers really aren’t portrayed kindly.
Zoey’s mom has all but turned into a caricature of a hysterical, screechy woman, so Zoey… uh, suggests waiting a couple of days to tell him. Because that will surely help matters!
Procrastinators Unite Tomorrow: 2
Zoey’s mom demands to know how they’ll pull that off, considering that apparently makeup can’t be used to cover the mark. I’m… really not sure why that would be. They’re just tattoos. It’s not like with Meyer’s vampires, which somehow ooze venom that eats through stuff. And yes the tattoos aren’t normal, but they’re somehow caused by genetics (we’ll...get to that) and thus should act like a normal tattoo.
Ruin: Is she suggesting that vampire tattoos are just, so bright and Goddess-Given and glowy that no human makeup can cover it? It is just that righteous?
ZeldaQueen: Probably, but we’re going to find out that all vampires at the House of Night are given a special concealer to cover their marks. So...uh, they can’t be covered except that they can.
Zoey’s mom continues to freak and asks what, oh what, they will tell her stepfather to explain why Zoey’s not around. Zoey suggests saying that she’s staying over with Kayla for a few days to work on a project. You know, I’m pretty sure using someone else as an alibi only works if that person is in on it, or at least is willing to play along. All her stepfather has to do is call Kayla’s house and the plan goes down the drain. Not to mention, if the stepfather is as strict as we’re told he is, I doubt he’d take Zoey spending time with her loose-moraled friend (as I’m sure he’d see her) any better.
Of course, Zoey’s suggestion doesn’t go over well with her mom.
“I watched my mom's eyes change. The concern faded from them and was replaced by a hardness that I recognized all too well.
‘So what you're saying is that you want me to lie to him.’
‘No, Mom. What I'm saying is that I want you, for once, to put what I need before what he wants. I want you to be my mama. To help me pack and to drive with me to this new school because I'm scared and sick and I don't know if I can do it all by myself!’ I finished in a rush, breathing hard and coughing into my hand.”
ZeldaQueen: Zoey? You’re asking your mom to tell her husband something that’s not really happening. So yes, you are saying that you want her to lie to him. You could easily ask your mom to help you pack and drive you to the House of Night without trying to fix a problem by ignoring it! Not to mention that it’s easy for you to get pissy about this. You’re the one who’s going to be safely hidden away in a vampire school! She’s the one who has to face her husband, who you just told us is very controlling, about lying to him!
But noooo, Zoey’s mom’s the one in the wrong here! She gets angry at Zoey accusing her of being a bad mother, to which Zoey responds that her mom is selfish and doesn’t notice anything besides what her husband wants. I’ll give everyone a minute to imagine how their moms would react to that.
Ruin: My mother would be horrified to think that someone thought her actions were selfish - this amazing woman placed me in my grandparents’ guardianship knowing that, if she took me with her, I would be sleeping on the street.
ZeldaQueen: Mine would be furious. She always does her best with me and my brother. We aren’t sitcom-family perfect, but I’d never accuse her of ignoring us in favor of our dad!
Her mom, meanwhile, makes some good points. Her husband apparently gets paid very well for being a straw character, so the family has enough money that the mom could quit a terrible job, the family could live in a safe place in a big beautiful house, and they’re all well-provided for.
Ruin: Usually, after getting a dose of her mother’s Thankful Speech, Zoey backs down and goes to her room. Today would not be that day.
ZeldaQueen: Nope. Although her finally putting her foot down would, no doubt, be more meaningful if this wasn’t the first time we saw her interacting with her mom.
I might also add that it makes Zoey hypocritical, again. We hear nothing about her having a job, and she’s still dependant on her parents. Who are we supposed to think pays for those Maui Jim sunglasses we hear her yammering on about? That’s an expensive brand of sunglasses, folks. I used to work at Lens Crafters, and that brand could easily reach six hundred dollars, depending on the style, especially if it was prescription (as Zoey’s might be, since she does wear contacts). The Maui Jim brand doesn’t let itself be discounted under sales or insurance, you see. So, who paid for them? Or her car - did she buy that thing herself? Does she pay for her own insurance on it? What about the clothes and makeup she has?
In other words, Zoey seems quite fine with spending her stepfather’s money, but is pissy when her mom dares to remind her where it comes from.
Zoey continues to rant, which gets tinged with more than a little purple.
“No, Mother. The truth is that because of him you haven't paid any attention to your kids for three years. Did you know that your oldest daughter has turned into a sneaky, spoiled slut who's screwed half of the football team? Do you know what nasty, bloody video games Kevin keeps hidden from you? No, of course you don't! The two of them act happy and pretend to like John and the whole damn make-believe family thing, so you smile at them and pray for them and let them do whatever. And me? You think I'm the bad one because I don't pretend-because I'm honest. You know what? I'm so sick of my life that I'm glad the Tracker Marked me! They call that vampyre school the House of Night, but it can't be any darker than this perfect home!”
Ruin: There is just too much to cover in this.
ZeldaQueen: Still, we must try. Let us begin with the counts.
Miss Judgemental: 33 (one for her siblings and her mom)
Tired Metaphor: 10 (for that “not as dark as our house” bit, ouch that pained me!)
Now, we’ve already ranted about her attitude towards her siblings. Here’s something new, though. Apparently they’re only pretending to like their stepfather. *patiently folds her hands in front of her* How are we supposed to know that? What evidence is there of it? We know virtually nothing about them and their relationship with their stepfather. In fact, given how the book’s morality is constantly skewed to what Zoey thinks is right, it sounds uncomfortably like Zoey is the only one who hates the stepfather and just is convinced that her siblings hate him as well, because who could like him?
Ruin: Which would indicate an empathy problem.
ZeldaQueen: No kidding!
Zoey concludes her wangst-fest by running into her room, complete with slamming the door. She tells us that she can hear her mom tearfully calling her stepfather, then reminds us that she needs to go to the House of Night soon. She starts packing by dumping out her school stuff, figuring that “They probably don't even have normal classes. probably have classes like Ripping Peoples Throats Out um and…and…Intro to How to See in the Dark Whatever.”
Smells Like Teen Spirit: 4
Again, I have to ask how nobody has any clue what goes on in the House of Nights! They don’t keep their lives secret! No to mention, countless celebrities are vampires, meaning they would have been taught there! Did those famous writers, singers, and actors never get interviewed about their schooling? Not to mention, if the students-to-be have no clue what their new lives are like, how are they supposed to know what to bring with them?
AU Doesn’t Work Like That: 4
Ruin: Is there a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell to satisfy the humans, or something? Again I ask, are they trying to display vampirism as an allegory for being LGBT?
ZeldaQueen: They kinda are using vampires in a X-men-ish way, with them sort of being a stand-in for minorities in general. Mostly though, the narmish allegories are more racial than about sexuality. For example, one vampire talks about Zoey dating a human in a way that draws to mind a black person dating a white person in the days of yore. But yeah, considering that the House of Nights have open house nights when families visit their kids and talk to their teachers, there really should be no excuse.
So, Zoey is leaving her home forever. She is off to live somewhere unfamiliar, with no clue what her living arrangements will be like or what her financial situation will be. What does she decide to bring with her?
“My two favorite pairs of jeans, besides what I had on. A couple of black T-shirts. I mean, what else do vampyres wear? Plus, they are slimming. I almost passed on my cute aqua-colored sparkly cami, but all that black was bound to make me more depressed…so I included it. Then I stuffed tons of bras and thongs and hair and makeup things into the side pouch. I almost left my stuffed animal, Otis the Shish (couldn't say fish when I was two), on my pillow, but…well…vampyre or not I didn't think I could sleep very well without him. So I tucked him gently into the damn backpack.”
ZeldaQueen: Now, I may be a rather neurotic person, but I’m pretty sure that I’d pack a few more things than three pairs of jeans, a couple of t-shirts, a cami, some bras and thongs (really, guys?) and hair and makeup stuff. Ruin? How about you?
Ruin: I would take notebook paper, pens, post-it notes, and at least five books I couldn’t leave behind - but even narrowing that down to five would be tough.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, I’d have my laptop, books, and figurines, but there’d be other things. Like, oh, say, toiletries. Was Zoey planning to use her finger to brush her teeth? Did she not plan to floss?
Ruin: I doubt she knows by this point if fledgling vampire girls menstruate, so wouldn’t she consider taking sanitary equipment? Or shampoo and conditioner? Soap?
ZeldaQueen: And while I know they’re in Oklahoma and thus probably don’t need much by way of winter wear, isn’t she planning on taking a wider variety of clothes? Maybe some shorts, for relaxing? Something a little dressier, for special occasions? And no, I don’t mean dates. I mean for job interviews, that sort of thing. No shoes, besides the pair she’s wearing? Fuck, no money? That’s kind of fucking important, I’d say!
So yeah, yet AGAIN I ask, WHY DOESN’T THE HOUSE OF NIGHT GIVE ANY INDICATION OF WHAT STUDENTS NEED TO DO AND BRING???
Ruin: AT LEAST THE HARRY POTTER SERIES THOUGHT TO CONSIDER THIS! WITH A LIST. FROM THE DEPUTY HEAD.
ZeldaQueen: AND A TEACHER SHOWING UP TO TAKE STUDENTS TO DIAGON ALLEY AND HELP THEM BUY THE STUFF!
Ruin: WITH FUNDING FOR STUDENTS WHO CAN’T AFFORD SCHOOL EQUIPMENT.
ZeldaQueen: AND EXTRA SUPPLIES AT THE SCHOOL FOR STUDENTS WHO END UP TAKING UNEXPECTED CLASSES. *HEAVES BREATH* Oh God, my vocal chords… Thank God, we’re about done! Zoey’s stepdad apparently teleports home in the five minutes or so it must have taken for her to pack and demands she come out and talk to him. And there the chapter ends.
Tired Metaphor - 10
Sledgehammer Of Symbolism - 0
Miss Judgemental - 33
As Paris In The Spring - 0
Stereotypes Mambo - 15
Procrastinators Unite Tomorrow - 2
SUBTLE FORESHADOWING - 1
Smells Like Teen Spirit - 4
Vampire Elitist Snobs - 2
All The Beautiful People - 1
Interfaith Smoothie - 0
AU Doesn’t Work Like That - 4
Speshul Snowflake: 0
My Deus Ex Machina Senses Are Tingling: 0
Let's Have A Ho-Down: 1
Chapter 1 | Table of Contents | Chapter 3