My Inner Life: Chapter 10 - The Miracle
ZeldaQueen: Howdy folks! Remember how annoying Jenna's been about being pregnant? Well...strap in!
Link: Oh man!
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Chapter 10: The Miracle
The Miracle
Link: Please, please, by any chance does this miracle involve sporks and the brutal murder of this Sue?
ZeldaQueen: Don’t I wish. Hallelujah
The next few days were hard on me, the dizziness became horrid and I started to feel sick.
Link: So am I lady, so am I
It got so bad that I had to rest in bed.
ZeldaQueen: Oh noes!!!
Then came the false labor. The pains were so intense that I felt as if my whole body was in a vise.
Link: Oh brother
ZeldaQueen: I hate how Sues are such drama queens about giving birth. Why can’t any of them just have normal labor or quickening? Why is it always some rib-breaking affair? At least Meyer gave us a reason for why that was the case with Bella’s pregnancy. It was a stupid one, but a reason none the less
I couldn't get up out of bed without the pains making me feel like falling over.
Link: Hmm, I actually sort of like the kid now
ZeldaQueen: I’m starting to have Victoria Toddd flashbacks again
Link had to care for me.
Link: Oh MOTHERFUCKER!
ZeldaQueen: You’re surprised? The Sue is only ever inconvenienced or pained when it will get her sympathy or get your emasculated counterpart there to wait on her hand and foot
I ate all of my meals in bed.
ZeldaQueen: Bully for you, you spoiled little tart
And when it was time to bathe Link had to help me to the tub to wash me.
Link: Unless I pushed her in to drown her, I can’t imagine that happening
It was hard, I felt helpless.
ZeldaQueen: AS PER FREAKING USUAL!
But Link had told me that he was glad to care for me.
Link: No, I’m not!
ZeldaQueen: From domestic goddess to husband-as-love-slave. Fantastic
I was going to give birth to our baby any day now.
ZeldaQueen: The timeline in this fic just boggles my mind. Also, I’m not too great with pre-birthing stuff, but I find the accuracy of this all to be suspect
And he did not want to see me or the baby get hurt.
ZeldaQueen: Hence why he let you drink alcohol and squash up against him for sex in the last chapter
Link: I’m firmly convinced that my fictional self there is trying to make a getaway and those were sneaky attempts to actually rid the world of the Sue spawn
Then a few nights later it happened.
ZeldaQueen: The canon Legend of Zelda characters broke into the bedroom and stabbed her repeatedly with the Light Spork, given to them by the goddesses for that very purpose
I woke up and rustled Link awake.
Link: Rustle, rustle
"Link honey wake up, its time!"
ZeldaQueen: It’s time to du-du-du-du-duel!
I was going into labor.
Link: Oh shit. Here we go
"Grumble. Go back to sleep." Link said as he rolled over.
Link: Wait…did she just actually have me say “grumble”?
ZeldaQueen: Isn’t it hilarious?
Then I shook him again. "Link, WAKE UP.....I'm going into labor!" I cried as I shook him.
ZeldaQueen: My word, that’s fast
"Wha, What?! Oh my Goddesses, its time!" He jumped out of bed, grabbed his robe and went to get Navi and Lilly.
Link: Because of course two fairies are just so fucking useful when it comes to delivering a baby
As he opened the door, I heard him calling for our fairies. "LILLY, NAVI come quickly!" Link cried.
ZeldaQueen: You know Suethor, if you tell us he’s looking for Lilly (God, I still can’t believe she used that name) and Navi, you don’t have to show us him calling for them as he runs through the house. PDORD Count = 34
"What is the matter?" Navi asked.
ZeldaQueen: The rebels have to scatter!
Link: Weren’t these fairies sent to keep us protected or some bullcrap? They seem pretty badly informed on what’s going on, if you ask me
"Navi, you and Lilly must fly to the castle quickly, fetch Princess Zelda and the healer!"
Link: Wait what? Why Zelda?
ZeldaQueen: *fumes* Because it’s yet another example of them taking the princess of Hyrule and degrading her for the Sue’s own wants. Now she’s going to be Jenna’s freaking midwife
Link: …I feel sorry for that girl. Zelda, I mean. I don’t have an ounce of sympathy for that dirty Sue
ZeldaQueen: I know what you mean.
ZeldaQueen: Ah, that’s better!
Link: At least it’s not porn
"Jenna's going into labor, its time! And please make haste." Link cried in urgency.
ZeldaQueen: Alright, I’ve never had a baby but I call bull on this! I happen to know that it can take hours for a birth. My Health teacher told us about when his wife went into labor with their first child and while he ran around in a panic like girly-Link here is, said wife was perfectly calm and suggested having breakfast and a shower before going to the hospital. You don’t just get contractions and then “poof”, out comes the baby
"Lilly hurry, we must go!" Navi screeched.
Link: Yes, that would be most welcomed
Then Lilly and Navi flew off to fetch Princess Zelda and the healer.
ZeldaQueen: *grinds teeth* They don’t need Princess Zelda!
I didn't have long. The baby was on its way.
ZeldaQueen: Yep, five-second birth ahoy!
Link: I’m not complaining. The sooner she has the little rat, the sooner this chapter is over
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, but you don’t know how annoying the kid is after it’s born
I felt the contractions become less spaced apart. I hoped that Lilly and Navi would bring the healer here quickly. I tried to hold the baby back, but that was no longer any good after my water broke.
ZeldaQueen: IT DOESN’T TAKE THIS FAST!
Link: *rubbing ears* Hey, I know that! You don’t have to scream at me!
"I cannot hold the baby back any longer, Link! My water just broke!
ZeldaQueen: I’m getting déjà vu, déjà vu. PDORD Count = 35
One way or another this baby is coming."
ZeldaQueen: *sings* One way, or another, I’m gonna find you! I’m gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha!
Link: Nice. I think I’ll sing that as I hunt down this Sue
I cried as my breathing became labored.
ZeldaQueen: Ha! I see what you did thar!
"Just hang in there my love, Lilly and Navi will be back soon with Princess Zelda and the healer."
ZeldaQueen: Wait, so Link’s just sitting there? He’s not, you know, boiling water or getting towels or anything?
Link: Hey, I’ve never birthed any kids before.
ZeldaQueen: But still, the little weasel’s apparently coming down the chute already and the water just broke. Wouldn’t you, I don’t know, notice that things are getting kind of messy and wet down there and try to make things a little cleaner?
Link: Can you blame me for not wanting to touch that filthy Sue or her evil little spawn?
ZeldaQueen: No, I suppose I can’t
Link was getting more concerned with each passing minute.
Link: More likely excited at the possibility of her dying and finally shutting up
ZeldaQueen: Wait, let us mark the occasion! She actually used "minute" instead of "minuet". That, in and of itself, is a bloody miracle
Then a horse came plodding up to the front of the house
Link: Huh. Well that was damned quick, considering that they came in from Hyrule Castle Town!!!
ZeldaQueen: Indeed. The Suethor somehow seems to have never seen a map of Hyrule before. But hey, since this keeps coming up, I might as well put up a map for the convenience of viewers who don’t know what we’re talking about
Link: Lovely
ZeldaQueen: Also
ZeldaQueen: *Sigh*
Link: Hmph
and I heard voices. "Oh...my Goddesses.....they're.....finally here!" I said in between gasps of breath.
Link: Because heaven forbid she have her spawn without an audience to praise her
Link ran out the door to hurry them along. Then a minute later he came back with the healer followed by Princess Zelda. "Princess, go get some pillows and blankets! And be quick about it."
Link: Wait, did I say that or the healer? And what happened to Lilly and Navi?
ZeldaQueen: I just can’t get over the fact that they’re actually have Zelda, the freaking princess of Hyrule being the midwife for the Sue! Again Suethor, this is not modern times! You can’t say “Zelda is Jenna’s bestest friend and thus does stuff for her”, it doesn’t work like that! Princesses don’t deliver babies and that’s final! I could maybe possibly see Zelda sending a physician or some sort of medical help, but she wouldn’t do this herself!
After Princess Zelda came back with the pillows, she put a pillow under my head and the blankets over and under my body. Then Link came to my side and held my hand.
Link: Wow, this is boring
ZeldaQueen: And repetitive. PDORD Count = 36
"Hurry the baby is coming!" I cried as the contractions became closer together.
ZeldaQueen: The Redcoats are coming, the Redcoats are coming!
"You must breath slower. Take a deep breath. Now push!" The healer yelled.
Link: Very professional healer there. I guess talking softly to reassure and calm the mother is outdated or something
I felt the baby trying to come out but something was wrong.
ZeldaQueen: Suethor, stop trying to create drama. You suck at it
"Push harder!" She called again
Link: And they shoved the Sue off of a cliff and lived happily ever after. The end
"I'm pushing......as hard as I can,...DAMNIT!" I screamed.
Link: “Damnit”? Oh that’s hilarious!
"Princess, do you see the head yet."
Link: Again, who’s talking?
ZeldaQueen: STOP ASKING THE PRINCESS TO GET INVOLVED WITH THIS!
"No, not yet!" Zelda cried.
ZeldaQueen: (Princess Zelda) “I’m not entirely sure why I’m even here!”
"Damnit....GIVE....me something, LINK...you did this to....me! DAMNIT.....get this thing....out of me....NOW!" I cried as the pain got worse.
Link: I’m sorry, this stopped making sense awhile ago
ZeldaQueen: I’m just enjoying her being nasty towards you for a change
I started to curse as the pain became more intense.
"Damn YOU...Link!" I screamed as I looked up at him. (but afterwards I told him I was sorry.)
ZeldaQueen: *sputters*
Link: Looks like she heard you
ZeldaQueen: I give up. That Sue is such a doormat. Doesn’t she think that Link would make the connection that she was in pain and thus didn’t mean what she was screaming? She can’t yell at him at all without apologizing later?
"You must calm down. Take deep breaths......thats it. Princess anything yet?"
Link: Is that me talking? The Healer?
ZeldaQueen: Suethor, if you’re going to make your dialogue so wonkily written, you’ve got to indicate who’s saying what
"No, mistress something is wrong!" Zelda cried as she looked up.
ZeldaQueen: I’m going to hope really hard that Zelda’s talking to the healer. Because if she’s calling Jenna “mistress”, I’m going to kill someone
Link: Why would Zelda even call the healer “mistress”? Zelda is the princess. Mistress is a term used for a person who is above you somehow, usually in ownership
ZeldaQueen: I imagine that the Suethor meant for it to be some ye olde respectful term, like “granny”
"What?!" The healer yelled as a look of pure shock cross her face.
ZeldaQueen: What-what-what? Something is going wrong at a birth? Inconceivable!
Link: That must be one lame-ass healer, if she’s so shocked by something going awry
"The baby's head is not facing down!" Zelda cried again.
ZeldaQueen: And that matters why?
With those words came our worst nightmare. My face went white as a sheet and so did Link's. At that moment I thought our baby was going to die.
ZeldaQueen: But…it doesn’t matter that much. Why would it matter? It’s not like the umbilical chord is wrapped around its neck or something
Link: *singing* It’s faux-drama, our old friend! We’ve come to call on him again. In this fic…of silence
I started to cry as the thought of loosing our baby looked evident. "We must act quickly!
Link: (Healer) “Tighten it up so it will not be loose!”
We have to get the baby's head turned!" The healer yelled as she prepared to go in and turn the baby's head.
Link: Just the head? They’re not turning the entire body?
ZeldaQueen: I guess so, since they specifically mention only turning the head…twice. PDORD Count = 37
Link: Hmm, maybe the healer realizes how the Sue is warping canon and is trying to murder her spawn to try to restore order
As Zelda and the healer worked quickly together they managed to get the baby's head in the right direction. "We got the baby's head facing down now PUSH!"
ZeldaQueen: I still fail to see how this is an issue
The healer cried again.
Link: (Healer) “It’s just so hard!” *sob*
"URAGH" I screamed as I pushed with every ounce of strength I had.
ZeldaQueen: Which is about none
"Mistress I see the head! Now hands, feet....."
Link: Who the fuck is talking?
Then the next thing that I heard was music to my ears, a baby crying.
ZeldaQueen: Jenna loves hearing babies cry? Da-ng!
"Oh Goddesses.....congratulations its a boy!" Zelda cried.
Link: Crap
ZeldaQueen: Here, let’s cheer everyone up
ZeldaQueen: Nice…
Tears of happiness ran down my cheeks as I squeezed Link's hand. Then Zelda took and wrapped the tiny baby in a blanket and gave him to me. I cried even more as I held the tiny miracle in my arms. "He looks just like you my love." I said softly as I looked up at Link. "We made this tiny miracle together." I laid my head against Link's chest as I looked at the baby's little face.
Link: Well this is stupidly sappy
ZeldaQueen: It’s also unbelievably clean. I happen to know that after a woman gives birth, she’s sweaty and exhausted and not going to be draping her head across her husband’s chest (I don’t even know how she can do that, since she’s lying down and he’s presumably standing next to her) and spouting prose. I’ve also got word that women usually defecate while giving birth and I know that babies are all covered in gunk and blood when they come out. The long and short is that it’s gross. I’m not saying it’s terrible and horrible, but I mean that it’s not all Hollywood squeaky-clean like she’s having it.
Oh, and her bit about “he looks just like you” just smacks of Bella Swan and her “I want the baby to look exactly like Edward!”
"What shall we call him?"
ZeldaQueen: I give up. Suethor, tell us who’s talking!
"Since he is a boy, and it was a son you wanted you pick the name my love." I said as I looked into Link's eyes.
Link: I’ve always wanted a son?
ZeldaQueen: Apparently
"Link the second he shall be called." Link said with pride.
ZeldaQueen: *sings* “I’m Henry the Eight I am, Henry the Eight I am, I am!
Link: “Link the second”? Isn’t that only if there’s a Link the third? He’s Link Junior, which is a stupid name
"After his own father. Named after a legend.
Link: ZELDA IS THE LEGEND! DID YOU EVEN PLAY THIS GAME?
ZeldaQueen: Sorry, I was distracted by those awful, awful fragments.
Link Jr."
ZeldaQueen: *sings* Is just for me!
I said softly.
ZeldaQueen: Because she’s all calm and happy and just emulating the Virgin freaking Mary. Bah *spits*
"Welcome into the world little Link." I laid there and held little Link in my arms.
ZeldaQueen: PDORD Count = 38
I now felt complete. I had Link. Now I had a son with him.
ZeldaQueen: BECAUSE THAT’S ALL A WOMAN NEEDS TO BE COMPLETE - A HUSBAND AND HIS CHILD! WORK? HOBBIES? SELF IDENTIFICATION? WHO NEEDS THAT?
Link: Chill?
ZeldaQueen: FIRST I NEED MORE SHIPPAGE!
ZeldaQueen: Good now
This was the most beautiful gift Link gave me. He gave me......a miracle.
ZeldaQueen: Oh, shut up!
Link: Gift, huh? Hope she kept the receipt
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Link: Well that was suckage!
ZeldaQueen: Ah, Sue-spawn. Tune in next time, for Sue-spawn fawning!
Link: Fantastic
Onward to: Chapter 11: The Blessing
Back to: Chapter 9: The Reunion
Return to: Table of Content