The Short Second Life Of Bree Tanner: Part 13
ZeldaQueen: Lucky number part thirteen, folks! Home stretch!!!
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Part 13
ZeldaQueen: So in our last update, Fred proved to be the only character with a brain and got the fuck out of this sorry excuse for a story. Goodbye Fred, I hardly knew thee but you shall be missed. Riley leads the newborns off to battle and Bree only follows because she's an idiot under the delusion that Diego is totally still alive and waiting to escape with her.
The group starts running towards the meadow where the battle is to take place and everyone starts going nuts at the scent of Bella's blood on the trees. This causes them to forget their training and go running every which where as Riley screams at them like a Little League coach. Okay folks, serious question here - how long ago was it that the Cullens had Bella leave her stink on the trees in the forest? And as a serious follow-up question, didn't Riley scope out the area at all ahead of time? If he did that, he might have noticed the scent and, I don't know, found some way to cover it up so this problem didn't arise. Bah, whatever. They're doomed for failure anyway.
Riley actually starts tossing Kristie's group to the left so they can attack from the side and Bree opts to follow Raoul's group, mainly because she sees that random Sarah girl ripping a blond kid's head off. Riley calls to Raoul that he's off to help Kristie and, for some reason, he feels the need to talk to Bree before he leaves. She asks him if he's leaving them, like the dumbass she is, and Riley tells her that he's off to find Victoria, who is supposed to be there. He's described as sounding honestly desperate and takes off, promising to be back as soon as he can.
So...what? Is this supposed to be the reason that Victoria only has Riley with her to kill Edward and Bella? That she honestly didn't anticipate them taking Bella somewhere else? And if that's the case, why didn't Riley pull a few newborns back and whisper "Hey, I know where the girl is! Come with me and you have a shot at her!" Anyway, don't vampires have super-fast running? How long could it take Victoria or Riley to run back down the mountain and get some more help?
To top this fail all off, you just know they wouldn't have had this problem if they had trained the newborns from the start.
Riley manages to get Bree off of his back by whipping out the Diego card and Bree instantly loses what little intelligence she possesses at the sound of Diego's name. He races off and Bree clenches her teeth at how he was "[l]ying to the end". And yet she still believes him about Diego.
She goes running off, blathering about how she'll tell Diego how Riley was a lying liar who lies *cough* and how surely he'll run away with her. And why can't she find his scent? How odd!
Bree smells the "sweet, thick scent of vampires burning" as she approaches the battlefield, and I just know that it's only a matter of time before Hot Topic releases a line of "Twilight Burnt Vampire Incense". To all you budding entrepreneurs, I thought of that first. Anyway, she figures that the newborns won and Diego is waiting for her. Okay, this is just pathetic.
She makes it to the meadow and we get some lovely descriptions of how there are newborn body parts flying around every which way and no Diego in sight. She realizes that they're "losing. Bad". Apparently they're losing so "bad", she can't manage any adverbs. She continues searching for Diego, until we get That Moment Of Truth.
"I turned and really ran for the trees, suddenly positive that Diego’s presence here was just another of Riley’s lies.
And if Diego wasn’t here, then he was already dead. This fell into place for me so easily that I thought I must have known the truth for a while. Since the moment that Diego had not followed Riley through the basement door. He’d already been gone"
ZeldaQueen: *eyetwitches* She only figured that out just now.
Oh well. Okay. She's figured it out. Surely she'll run off, have a cry, and decide to escape so Her Heart Will Go On, won't she?
She's suddenly grabbed by one of the Cullens, who starts to rip her head off. She cries out "Please" and no, Meyer is not cribbing from The Princess Bride, Bree has decided that life is not worth living without Diego and is saying please sir, will you kill me? What.
"The saner part of me knew that wasn’t going to work. Riley had lied about these weak, older vampires, too, and we’d never had a chance. But even if I’d had a way to beat this one, I wouldn’t have been able to move. Diego was gone, and that glaring fact killed the fight in me"
ZeldaQueen: How long, exactly, has she known Diego for? A day?
*inhales*
SHE'S KNOWN HIM FOR ONE FUCKING DAY AND DECIDES TO COMMIT SUICIDE BECAUSE HE'S DEAD???
I'm moving on now, because I want to get done with this bull. But I will be addressing this later.
Bree finds herself flying ass over tin cups and hits a tree. She cries out that she doesn't want to fight and looks up to see a blond Cullen who we know is Carlisle. She goes on and on about how he's so in control, yadda, yadda, yadda. She then starts blathering about how he gives her a pitying look and then he tells her that he doesn't want to fight either. I guess that's why he threw her into a tree when she put up no resistance. Good to know.
He goes on to say that his family is only defending themselves and Bree instantly believes him and feels guilty for ever believing Riley about the Cullens being dangerous. Alright a few points here.
First of all, Bree does have a point that it's stupid of her to have believed Riley, even after she knew he lied about everything. However that didn't stop her from believing him about Diego, and just because he lied that the Cullens owned Seattle didn't necessarily mean they weren't dangerous.
Second of all, don't you just love how she switches to "oh, they're so great and innocent!" after one sentence from him? Because God forbid any "good" characters not love the Cullens and kiss their butts. Oh, and Bree, about Carlisle's eyes making you trust him? You also trusted Riley and thought he was the cat's whiskers before he kidnapped you and turned you into a vampire. You know that vampires have special abilities. Never enters your thick head that this dude has the power to make you trust him, hmm? Anyway, Bree quickly spills the beans on how they were all lied to and she's so sorry and of course she doesn't feel a smidgen of sorrow for the fact that all of the newborns have, by now, been dismantled and set on fire. Eh, they're all Evil and deserve it.
Esme comes running up and notices Bree and starts being all motherly and implying that she wants to take in Bree. Um, I'm not fooled here. She was just fine with Edward running off to eat people for a year and told him to do whatever he had to, including killing and eating Bella, when it came to Midnight Sun. All I can see is her wanting a new pet. Bah, whatever. We all know what's going to happen.
Carlisle and Esme repeat how they had no desire to kill any of the newborns - yeah right - and Bree apologizes to them. Wow. She goes on about how she's glad that Raoul and Kristie were set aflame. Me too. They were seriously annoying. Carlisle asks Bree if she surrenders and Bree says "Yes, I surrender. I don’t want to hurt anybody". She apparently held back on the second part "well except for humans, but they don't count". Bree stands up all nonthreatening and Carlisle is all "it's cool, we'll take care of you if you play ball". And then Jasper shows up.
Bree basically wets herself at the sight of Jasper, and we get a lot of stuff about how he's so scary and threatening. And normally this would be more of Meyer's tell with no show, but she shows damned well here. Oh yeah, she does.
Jasper takes one look at Bree and pretty much gets ready to rip her head off. Because I guess he figures that Carlisle and Esme are so rock-stupid they don't notice a newborn standing quietly two feet away or something. Carlisle basically whacks Jasper with a rolled-up newspaper and tells him that Bree surrendered and to leave her alone.
Jasper does not take well to this at all, and apparently starts making Bree feel frustrated as he does. Why? Is it supposed to be that he lost control in his confusion? Is he being a bastard and forcing her to feel upset to provoke her? The latter is sounding pretty likely. Jasper, meanwhile, starts going on to Carlisle about how they can't leave any newborns alive because the Volturi are on their way and it will put them all in terrible danger. So hide her somewhere else and question her later, dumbass. Of course not. You just want an excuse to kill her, right. Still, no points to Carlisle or Esme because they don't figure that out either.
Esme starts screeching about how Bree's only a child and they can't just kill her. The other newborns were "just children" too. Just putting that out there. And of course, Bree keeps praising Esme to the high heavens, going on about how OH LORD, AMAZING it is that she turns her back to Bree and how she speaks "like we both were people, like murder was a bad thing. An avoidable thing". You know, this is pretty telling about Bree's character.
Jasper, meanwhile, is clearly fishing for excuses to off Bree. He goes on about how she endangers the family because the Volturi might think they created her, blah, blah, blah. We ain't fooled, pal. Carlisle points out that there's no law against creating newborns as long as they're controlled, so even if it is assumed that they created Bree, there still ought to be no trouble. Jasper keeps going on about how it's dangerous and Bree thinks he's going to attack Carlisle. Finally, Jasper steps down, but asks to be allowed to take care of Bree. What? Why?
I mean, his explanation is that Carlisle and Esme don't know how to take care of a vampire who's been "running wild so long". But he does? He kept track of the newborns he made from the start! If anything, Alice should be the one with that sort of experience, since she's the one who took in Jasper after he was "running wild" and got him to eat animals. And no, nobody tell me that Jasper was already "tame" when he met Alice. Not two books ago, the plot kicks off because Bella gets a paper cut and he tries to eat her.
Not only that, but he clearly wants to kill her! This is like every movie or book where some guy is left in the care of a police officer who clearly has some sort of a grudge or hatred towards them and makes no secret of it and, surprise surprise, tries to attack the guy when they're alone together.
But of course, Carlisle and Esme are idiots and let him have his way. Esme tells him to "be kind" and Jasper rolls his eyes. And they still trust him with her? Gah!
As soon as the Cullen patriarch and matriarch head off, Jasper turns to Bree and tells her to follow him and if she does one hostile action, he'll end her. Of course, she's a scared vampire newborn and her first reaction is to hiss, but she holds that back. They head off, but first he tells her to close her eyes. What?
And of course, Bree is a good little toady and goes on about how it's a good thing that he's leading her around with her eyes closed for no good reason, because surely he wouldn't try to hide their secrets if he was just going to kill her. Maybe he's just fucking with you, you ever consider that? She's also grateful that he isn't leading her into trees. Of course, she's a super-strong, marbley vampire, so I'd imagine that trees couldn't hurt her. So...thought that counts?
He leads her towards the fire and makes her sit close enough she can feel the smoke. Okay, this is just horrible. And she still thinks about how he could have killed her at any moment, so it's not like he'll be killing her now.
Oh, and Jasper just keeps sitting there, trying to emotionally manipulate her to feel angry. And of course, we all know that he'll feel no guilt for this and no one will call him out on it.
But we haven't had any angsting over Diego, so we get some of that now! Bree realizes that the threat about getting body parts ripped off and set on fire and that watching and helping Victoria do this was what made Riley so cold and cruel when he came back. She figures that he really did like him. For never was there a tale of more woe, than Riley and his Diego.
Incidentally, it's implied that Riley found out about the handshake thing and the like because they tortured it out of Diego. Why? Did they rip bits of him off going "And did you have some silly club that you were starting to form? Did you? Tell me if it involved ninjas, or I rip out your tonsils!"
All of this is interrupted by a howl, which we know to be Jacob being a moron and getting his ribs crushed by a newborn. Bree nearly opens her eyes and Jasper snarls at her. Dude, I don't feel the least bit sorry anymore about how little you were in Breaking Dawn.
Anyway, Bree continues to be an idiot and thinks that the howls are being made by the Cullens, We all know what's going on, so I'll just glide through here. It's dry and stupid and boring. I know Meyer was going for suspenseful, but it really isn't, not in the slightest.
As this is all going on, Jasper claps his hands over Bree's ears. I guess this is Meyer's handwave-reason for why Bree is having her eyes closed and ears covered - the Cullens don't want her to know about the wolves. But if that's the case, why keep her in eyeshot of them? Why not keep her in the woods or something? This is just torture!
Bree thinks about Fred and how he probably was long gone by now. Good for him. I wish I was too. Instead, I sit here and read all of this pointless, boring detail about what Bree's smelling and thinking and it's just boring!
And then Bella comes into play. Joy. Because Alice is here and she predicts when Bella will be coming over, waking up from her faint. Because, I guess, Bella decides when she'll wake up, even though she's unconscious. Jasper finally takes his hands off of her ears and lets her open her eyes. And I would like to kill myself now, for one big reason. We're moving into Canon Territory. And, as Midnight Sun has shown us, Meyer always stumbles when it comes to Canon Territory. She just recaps canon while adding a bunch of pointless musings and thoughts, in the hopes that it will seem deep. It doesn't. But Bree's going to bite the dust soon, so let's just get through this!
Bree starts taking inventory of the Cullens and notes one with "dark red hair". Dark red hair? What. That's supposed to be Edward? BULL, I SAY! I'm going to have to agree with Cleo here, what the hell? How does one take "bronze" and get "dark red"? Heck, Stephenie Meyer has been sticking her nose into overseeing those movies and the graphic novels, and she apparently was fine with them letting Edward be blondish? The hell? Gah. This, ladies and gentlemen, is just proof that for all of the descriptions of Edward's endless beauty, Meyer has clearly done a shit job of actually giving us a mental image of him. Heck, Harry Potter's description is pretty much limited to "he has dark hair, green eyes, and a lightning-bolt scar" and everyone gets a clearer mental image.
Anyway, Bree starts adding up the various Cullens, along with Bella - who is fainted on the ground - and the wolves - who she mistook for "howling vampires", and figures that there were sixteen "yellow-eyes" to fight. She is royally pissed at Riley for lying to them and hopes that the Volturi rip his dick off. Or, you know, those basic sentiments.
Bella wakes up and gets to her feet, which Bree describes as "moving awkwardly, almost like she was some clumsy human". OH, HA HA MEYER, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR!!!! There's some description of how Bree can feel anxiety "bleeding" into her from Jasper, and I refuse to believe that it is just Jasper being unable to control his power, which is what I think Meyer is trying to imply. Anyway, Bella stands up, the wind blows her scent over, and the next second, Bree is all ready to nom some Bella blood. Meyer tries to express the burning desire Bree feels, but it really doesn't come across, given the bloated purple prose that is constantly used.
Alright, like I said before, this is where Meyer pretty much starts to copy and past everything. To keep things moving, I'll just comment on stuff that didn't come across in canon.
Bree notes how Bella and Edward are standing. "The vampire had both his arms around the human girl, and she had both hands pressed to his chest". You know, I can never understand how that's a good way to snuggle up against someone. Seems to be a position one would take if one was preparing to shove themselves away. Ah well. Anyway, this is just an excuse for Bree to wonder why Edward isn't sucking Bella dry and for Meyer to hit us with their TRUE LOVE yet again. She goes back to that stupid idea of a "pet human" and seems unable to imagine the idea that a human and a vampire could be in love, despite my previous points about how it's hardly unseen in literature or movies. Suffice to say that I hate when people try to make something seem OH SO ORIGINAL AND UNHEARD OF in their books or media, just to make their creatures seem more special.
And Bree just will not stop thinking about Bella! GOD! She's not that interesting! And all this time, we're reminded how Bree just is dying to drink Bella dry. Hey, question! Edward can read minds, right? Why can't he hear Bree's thoughts as she struggles to not eat Bella? He's willing to have her kidnapped to keep her safe from Jacob, but is fine with letting her stand right next to a starved and upset newborn?
Finally, the Cullens notice how tempted Bree is. And, of course, they blame her. Even though they themselves all went through the newborn phase and were all supportive of Edward when he "gave in" and went off to eat people. Bah.
And folks, I honestly cannot stress this enough, this is DAMNED BORING!!! Meyer just keeps repeating how Bree's in pain, Bella smells great, Bree is confused, and so on. When are the Volturi going to show up and kill her, dammit?
Oh good, here they are now! As Bree toys with the idea of sneaking off to find Riley and make him pay for killing Diego, the Volturi come through the smoke and are all Menacing and Evil. And of course, Bree does not shut up when they arrive. Good lord! And she keeps calling them "dark-cloaks". I just gave up on caring folks, I'm sorry.
We follow canon slavishly for awhile, and Bree finally gets it through her thick skull that the Volturi are the police of the vampire world. I...thought she figured that out before, really. Oh well. And she wonders why Victoria and Riley never informed them of the vampire laws. I'm sorry folks, one second.
MAYBE THEY DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO LIVE LONG ENOUGH FOR THAT! YOU ALREADY KNEW THEY WERE LEAVING YOU TO DIE!!!!
I needed that! So more canon, and Bree beats us over the head with how Jane is a bigger liar who lies than Riley. She figures out that Victoria and Riley are dead and she's all happy that Her Love is avenged. She makes it clear that she's quite happy to die, knowing that that particular thread has been tied up. Wow Meyer, you can't let any characters you like go unhappy in the slightest, can you? Also, Bree figures that she owes Edward one for killing Riley even though, you know, he was going to do that anyway and it had nothing to do with her.
Jane has her canon conversation and mind-tortures Bree. Bree does her whole screaming thing and wonders why the Cullens don't do something to help. Because they're a bunch of sadists, my dear. Bree confesses to everything, as per canon, and notes that Jane seems pleased that Riley didn't spill the beans on the Volturi's involvement. So she decides to think the truth as hard as she can and hope that Edward picks it up.
Erm, what? Hello? How does that make sense? Couldn't Edward get this all directly from Jane, or at least suspect it? In Eclipse, he even says to Bella as he takes her to the meadow that he's suspicious about how late the Volturi are taking. I guess even if Jane somehow can...not think about the plan or something Bree would be the only one offering evidence, except that this doesn't show up later! Edward never tells anyone "oh hey, the Volturi are so desperate for us to die that they let Victoria build up the army". Wouldn't that be kind of important? Also, if he knew this, why does it come as a surprise in Breaking Dawn that the Volturi will use any and all excuses to kill them all? HE OUGHT TO KNOW THIS ALREADY!!!!!
Anyway, Bree decides to play dumb, because of course that's believable for a scared kid who had a death wish not five minutes ago. She finally gets confirmation that this was all about Bella, big surprise there. Bree immediately leaps back into Bella Analysis Mode, wondering why on Earth the Cullens don't turn her into a vampire as well. I just know my wall is going to break if I keep hitting my head against it.
Edward gives his canon line about how suspicious it is that they showed up so late and Bree pats herself on the back for passing on the secrets. If that's the case, then Edward's a complete idiot. He was pretty much handed a top-secret plan on a platter and immediately blabs that he is suspicious of them. The Volturi wind up to kill Bree, thank lord, and Edward shows a desire to help her for the first time. So he only is interested in keeping her alive after she gives him something nice? Interesting. Bree is, of course "touched to the core", which is kind of sad.
Finally, the Volturi set about going to kill her. She thinks back to Fred and hopes that he has a long and successful time in the world and feels sure that he'll survive. Heck, he escaped this novella, I'm sure he'll do great. Bree thinks to Edward to be nice to Fred if he sees him. And given how much Edward thinks about Fred later...yeah.
And we end with this.
"'Take care of that, Felix,' Jane said indifferently, nodding at me. 'I want to go home.'
'Don’t watch,' the redheaded mind reader whispered.
I closed my eyes"
ZeldaQueen: (Meyer) "Did you see that? Did you see what I did thar! That's clever!!!"
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ZeldaQueen: And that's it. It's over. On lucky number Part 13, no less. To quote the Nostalgia Critic, "Christity-Christ-Christ-Christ". Just a bit more and it's OVER!
Onward to: Acknowledgments
Back To: Part 12
Back to: Table of Contents
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Part 13
ZeldaQueen: So in our last update, Fred proved to be the only character with a brain and got the fuck out of this sorry excuse for a story. Goodbye Fred, I hardly knew thee but you shall be missed. Riley leads the newborns off to battle and Bree only follows because she's an idiot under the delusion that Diego is totally still alive and waiting to escape with her.
The group starts running towards the meadow where the battle is to take place and everyone starts going nuts at the scent of Bella's blood on the trees. This causes them to forget their training and go running every which where as Riley screams at them like a Little League coach. Okay folks, serious question here - how long ago was it that the Cullens had Bella leave her stink on the trees in the forest? And as a serious follow-up question, didn't Riley scope out the area at all ahead of time? If he did that, he might have noticed the scent and, I don't know, found some way to cover it up so this problem didn't arise. Bah, whatever. They're doomed for failure anyway.
Riley actually starts tossing Kristie's group to the left so they can attack from the side and Bree opts to follow Raoul's group, mainly because she sees that random Sarah girl ripping a blond kid's head off. Riley calls to Raoul that he's off to help Kristie and, for some reason, he feels the need to talk to Bree before he leaves. She asks him if he's leaving them, like the dumbass she is, and Riley tells her that he's off to find Victoria, who is supposed to be there. He's described as sounding honestly desperate and takes off, promising to be back as soon as he can.
So...what? Is this supposed to be the reason that Victoria only has Riley with her to kill Edward and Bella? That she honestly didn't anticipate them taking Bella somewhere else? And if that's the case, why didn't Riley pull a few newborns back and whisper "Hey, I know where the girl is! Come with me and you have a shot at her!" Anyway, don't vampires have super-fast running? How long could it take Victoria or Riley to run back down the mountain and get some more help?
To top this fail all off, you just know they wouldn't have had this problem if they had trained the newborns from the start.
Riley manages to get Bree off of his back by whipping out the Diego card and Bree instantly loses what little intelligence she possesses at the sound of Diego's name. He races off and Bree clenches her teeth at how he was "[l]ying to the end". And yet she still believes him about Diego.
She goes running off, blathering about how she'll tell Diego how Riley was a lying liar who lies *cough* and how surely he'll run away with her. And why can't she find his scent? How odd!
Bree smells the "sweet, thick scent of vampires burning" as she approaches the battlefield, and I just know that it's only a matter of time before Hot Topic releases a line of "Twilight Burnt Vampire Incense". To all you budding entrepreneurs, I thought of that first. Anyway, she figures that the newborns won and Diego is waiting for her. Okay, this is just pathetic.
She makes it to the meadow and we get some lovely descriptions of how there are newborn body parts flying around every which way and no Diego in sight. She realizes that they're "losing. Bad". Apparently they're losing so "bad", she can't manage any adverbs. She continues searching for Diego, until we get That Moment Of Truth.
"I turned and really ran for the trees, suddenly positive that Diego’s presence here was just another of Riley’s lies.
And if Diego wasn’t here, then he was already dead. This fell into place for me so easily that I thought I must have known the truth for a while. Since the moment that Diego had not followed Riley through the basement door. He’d already been gone"
ZeldaQueen: *eyetwitches* She only figured that out just now.
Oh well. Okay. She's figured it out. Surely she'll run off, have a cry, and decide to escape so Her Heart Will Go On, won't she?
She's suddenly grabbed by one of the Cullens, who starts to rip her head off. She cries out "Please" and no, Meyer is not cribbing from The Princess Bride, Bree has decided that life is not worth living without Diego and is saying please sir, will you kill me? What.
"The saner part of me knew that wasn’t going to work. Riley had lied about these weak, older vampires, too, and we’d never had a chance. But even if I’d had a way to beat this one, I wouldn’t have been able to move. Diego was gone, and that glaring fact killed the fight in me"
ZeldaQueen: How long, exactly, has she known Diego for? A day?
*inhales*
SHE'S KNOWN HIM FOR ONE FUCKING DAY AND DECIDES TO COMMIT SUICIDE BECAUSE HE'S DEAD???
I'm moving on now, because I want to get done with this bull. But I will be addressing this later.
Bree finds herself flying ass over tin cups and hits a tree. She cries out that she doesn't want to fight and looks up to see a blond Cullen who we know is Carlisle. She goes on and on about how he's so in control, yadda, yadda, yadda. She then starts blathering about how he gives her a pitying look and then he tells her that he doesn't want to fight either. I guess that's why he threw her into a tree when she put up no resistance. Good to know.
He goes on to say that his family is only defending themselves and Bree instantly believes him and feels guilty for ever believing Riley about the Cullens being dangerous. Alright a few points here.
First of all, Bree does have a point that it's stupid of her to have believed Riley, even after she knew he lied about everything. However that didn't stop her from believing him about Diego, and just because he lied that the Cullens owned Seattle didn't necessarily mean they weren't dangerous.
Second of all, don't you just love how she switches to "oh, they're so great and innocent!" after one sentence from him? Because God forbid any "good" characters not love the Cullens and kiss their butts. Oh, and Bree, about Carlisle's eyes making you trust him? You also trusted Riley and thought he was the cat's whiskers before he kidnapped you and turned you into a vampire. You know that vampires have special abilities. Never enters your thick head that this dude has the power to make you trust him, hmm? Anyway, Bree quickly spills the beans on how they were all lied to and she's so sorry and of course she doesn't feel a smidgen of sorrow for the fact that all of the newborns have, by now, been dismantled and set on fire. Eh, they're all Evil and deserve it.
Esme comes running up and notices Bree and starts being all motherly and implying that she wants to take in Bree. Um, I'm not fooled here. She was just fine with Edward running off to eat people for a year and told him to do whatever he had to, including killing and eating Bella, when it came to Midnight Sun. All I can see is her wanting a new pet. Bah, whatever. We all know what's going to happen.
Carlisle and Esme repeat how they had no desire to kill any of the newborns - yeah right - and Bree apologizes to them. Wow. She goes on about how she's glad that Raoul and Kristie were set aflame. Me too. They were seriously annoying. Carlisle asks Bree if she surrenders and Bree says "Yes, I surrender. I don’t want to hurt anybody". She apparently held back on the second part "well except for humans, but they don't count". Bree stands up all nonthreatening and Carlisle is all "it's cool, we'll take care of you if you play ball". And then Jasper shows up.
Bree basically wets herself at the sight of Jasper, and we get a lot of stuff about how he's so scary and threatening. And normally this would be more of Meyer's tell with no show, but she shows damned well here. Oh yeah, she does.
Jasper takes one look at Bree and pretty much gets ready to rip her head off. Because I guess he figures that Carlisle and Esme are so rock-stupid they don't notice a newborn standing quietly two feet away or something. Carlisle basically whacks Jasper with a rolled-up newspaper and tells him that Bree surrendered and to leave her alone.
Jasper does not take well to this at all, and apparently starts making Bree feel frustrated as he does. Why? Is it supposed to be that he lost control in his confusion? Is he being a bastard and forcing her to feel upset to provoke her? The latter is sounding pretty likely. Jasper, meanwhile, starts going on to Carlisle about how they can't leave any newborns alive because the Volturi are on their way and it will put them all in terrible danger. So hide her somewhere else and question her later, dumbass. Of course not. You just want an excuse to kill her, right. Still, no points to Carlisle or Esme because they don't figure that out either.
Esme starts screeching about how Bree's only a child and they can't just kill her. The other newborns were "just children" too. Just putting that out there. And of course, Bree keeps praising Esme to the high heavens, going on about how OH LORD, AMAZING it is that she turns her back to Bree and how she speaks "like we both were people, like murder was a bad thing. An avoidable thing". You know, this is pretty telling about Bree's character.
Jasper, meanwhile, is clearly fishing for excuses to off Bree. He goes on about how she endangers the family because the Volturi might think they created her, blah, blah, blah. We ain't fooled, pal. Carlisle points out that there's no law against creating newborns as long as they're controlled, so even if it is assumed that they created Bree, there still ought to be no trouble. Jasper keeps going on about how it's dangerous and Bree thinks he's going to attack Carlisle. Finally, Jasper steps down, but asks to be allowed to take care of Bree. What? Why?
I mean, his explanation is that Carlisle and Esme don't know how to take care of a vampire who's been "running wild so long". But he does? He kept track of the newborns he made from the start! If anything, Alice should be the one with that sort of experience, since she's the one who took in Jasper after he was "running wild" and got him to eat animals. And no, nobody tell me that Jasper was already "tame" when he met Alice. Not two books ago, the plot kicks off because Bella gets a paper cut and he tries to eat her.
Not only that, but he clearly wants to kill her! This is like every movie or book where some guy is left in the care of a police officer who clearly has some sort of a grudge or hatred towards them and makes no secret of it and, surprise surprise, tries to attack the guy when they're alone together.
But of course, Carlisle and Esme are idiots and let him have his way. Esme tells him to "be kind" and Jasper rolls his eyes. And they still trust him with her? Gah!
As soon as the Cullen patriarch and matriarch head off, Jasper turns to Bree and tells her to follow him and if she does one hostile action, he'll end her. Of course, she's a scared vampire newborn and her first reaction is to hiss, but she holds that back. They head off, but first he tells her to close her eyes. What?
And of course, Bree is a good little toady and goes on about how it's a good thing that he's leading her around with her eyes closed for no good reason, because surely he wouldn't try to hide their secrets if he was just going to kill her. Maybe he's just fucking with you, you ever consider that? She's also grateful that he isn't leading her into trees. Of course, she's a super-strong, marbley vampire, so I'd imagine that trees couldn't hurt her. So...thought that counts?
He leads her towards the fire and makes her sit close enough she can feel the smoke. Okay, this is just horrible. And she still thinks about how he could have killed her at any moment, so it's not like he'll be killing her now.
Oh, and Jasper just keeps sitting there, trying to emotionally manipulate her to feel angry. And of course, we all know that he'll feel no guilt for this and no one will call him out on it.
But we haven't had any angsting over Diego, so we get some of that now! Bree realizes that the threat about getting body parts ripped off and set on fire and that watching and helping Victoria do this was what made Riley so cold and cruel when he came back. She figures that he really did like him. For never was there a tale of more woe, than Riley and his Diego.
Incidentally, it's implied that Riley found out about the handshake thing and the like because they tortured it out of Diego. Why? Did they rip bits of him off going "And did you have some silly club that you were starting to form? Did you? Tell me if it involved ninjas, or I rip out your tonsils!"
All of this is interrupted by a howl, which we know to be Jacob being a moron and getting his ribs crushed by a newborn. Bree nearly opens her eyes and Jasper snarls at her. Dude, I don't feel the least bit sorry anymore about how little you were in Breaking Dawn.
Anyway, Bree continues to be an idiot and thinks that the howls are being made by the Cullens, We all know what's going on, so I'll just glide through here. It's dry and stupid and boring. I know Meyer was going for suspenseful, but it really isn't, not in the slightest.
As this is all going on, Jasper claps his hands over Bree's ears. I guess this is Meyer's handwave-reason for why Bree is having her eyes closed and ears covered - the Cullens don't want her to know about the wolves. But if that's the case, why keep her in eyeshot of them? Why not keep her in the woods or something? This is just torture!
Bree thinks about Fred and how he probably was long gone by now. Good for him. I wish I was too. Instead, I sit here and read all of this pointless, boring detail about what Bree's smelling and thinking and it's just boring!
And then Bella comes into play. Joy. Because Alice is here and she predicts when Bella will be coming over, waking up from her faint. Because, I guess, Bella decides when she'll wake up, even though she's unconscious. Jasper finally takes his hands off of her ears and lets her open her eyes. And I would like to kill myself now, for one big reason. We're moving into Canon Territory. And, as Midnight Sun has shown us, Meyer always stumbles when it comes to Canon Territory. She just recaps canon while adding a bunch of pointless musings and thoughts, in the hopes that it will seem deep. It doesn't. But Bree's going to bite the dust soon, so let's just get through this!
Bree starts taking inventory of the Cullens and notes one with "dark red hair". Dark red hair? What. That's supposed to be Edward? BULL, I SAY! I'm going to have to agree with Cleo here, what the hell? How does one take "bronze" and get "dark red"? Heck, Stephenie Meyer has been sticking her nose into overseeing those movies and the graphic novels, and she apparently was fine with them letting Edward be blondish? The hell? Gah. This, ladies and gentlemen, is just proof that for all of the descriptions of Edward's endless beauty, Meyer has clearly done a shit job of actually giving us a mental image of him. Heck, Harry Potter's description is pretty much limited to "he has dark hair, green eyes, and a lightning-bolt scar" and everyone gets a clearer mental image.
Anyway, Bree starts adding up the various Cullens, along with Bella - who is fainted on the ground - and the wolves - who she mistook for "howling vampires", and figures that there were sixteen "yellow-eyes" to fight. She is royally pissed at Riley for lying to them and hopes that the Volturi rip his dick off. Or, you know, those basic sentiments.
Bella wakes up and gets to her feet, which Bree describes as "moving awkwardly, almost like she was some clumsy human". OH, HA HA MEYER, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR!!!! There's some description of how Bree can feel anxiety "bleeding" into her from Jasper, and I refuse to believe that it is just Jasper being unable to control his power, which is what I think Meyer is trying to imply. Anyway, Bella stands up, the wind blows her scent over, and the next second, Bree is all ready to nom some Bella blood. Meyer tries to express the burning desire Bree feels, but it really doesn't come across, given the bloated purple prose that is constantly used.
Alright, like I said before, this is where Meyer pretty much starts to copy and past everything. To keep things moving, I'll just comment on stuff that didn't come across in canon.
Bree notes how Bella and Edward are standing. "The vampire had both his arms around the human girl, and she had both hands pressed to his chest". You know, I can never understand how that's a good way to snuggle up against someone. Seems to be a position one would take if one was preparing to shove themselves away. Ah well. Anyway, this is just an excuse for Bree to wonder why Edward isn't sucking Bella dry and for Meyer to hit us with their TRUE LOVE yet again. She goes back to that stupid idea of a "pet human" and seems unable to imagine the idea that a human and a vampire could be in love, despite my previous points about how it's hardly unseen in literature or movies. Suffice to say that I hate when people try to make something seem OH SO ORIGINAL AND UNHEARD OF in their books or media, just to make their creatures seem more special.
And Bree just will not stop thinking about Bella! GOD! She's not that interesting! And all this time, we're reminded how Bree just is dying to drink Bella dry. Hey, question! Edward can read minds, right? Why can't he hear Bree's thoughts as she struggles to not eat Bella? He's willing to have her kidnapped to keep her safe from Jacob, but is fine with letting her stand right next to a starved and upset newborn?
Finally, the Cullens notice how tempted Bree is. And, of course, they blame her. Even though they themselves all went through the newborn phase and were all supportive of Edward when he "gave in" and went off to eat people. Bah.
And folks, I honestly cannot stress this enough, this is DAMNED BORING!!! Meyer just keeps repeating how Bree's in pain, Bella smells great, Bree is confused, and so on. When are the Volturi going to show up and kill her, dammit?
Oh good, here they are now! As Bree toys with the idea of sneaking off to find Riley and make him pay for killing Diego, the Volturi come through the smoke and are all Menacing and Evil. And of course, Bree does not shut up when they arrive. Good lord! And she keeps calling them "dark-cloaks". I just gave up on caring folks, I'm sorry.
We follow canon slavishly for awhile, and Bree finally gets it through her thick skull that the Volturi are the police of the vampire world. I...thought she figured that out before, really. Oh well. And she wonders why Victoria and Riley never informed them of the vampire laws. I'm sorry folks, one second.
MAYBE THEY DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO LIVE LONG ENOUGH FOR THAT! YOU ALREADY KNEW THEY WERE LEAVING YOU TO DIE!!!!
I needed that! So more canon, and Bree beats us over the head with how Jane is a bigger liar who lies than Riley. She figures out that Victoria and Riley are dead and she's all happy that Her Love is avenged. She makes it clear that she's quite happy to die, knowing that that particular thread has been tied up. Wow Meyer, you can't let any characters you like go unhappy in the slightest, can you? Also, Bree figures that she owes Edward one for killing Riley even though, you know, he was going to do that anyway and it had nothing to do with her.
Jane has her canon conversation and mind-tortures Bree. Bree does her whole screaming thing and wonders why the Cullens don't do something to help. Because they're a bunch of sadists, my dear. Bree confesses to everything, as per canon, and notes that Jane seems pleased that Riley didn't spill the beans on the Volturi's involvement. So she decides to think the truth as hard as she can and hope that Edward picks it up.
Erm, what? Hello? How does that make sense? Couldn't Edward get this all directly from Jane, or at least suspect it? In Eclipse, he even says to Bella as he takes her to the meadow that he's suspicious about how late the Volturi are taking. I guess even if Jane somehow can...not think about the plan or something Bree would be the only one offering evidence, except that this doesn't show up later! Edward never tells anyone "oh hey, the Volturi are so desperate for us to die that they let Victoria build up the army". Wouldn't that be kind of important? Also, if he knew this, why does it come as a surprise in Breaking Dawn that the Volturi will use any and all excuses to kill them all? HE OUGHT TO KNOW THIS ALREADY!!!!!
Anyway, Bree decides to play dumb, because of course that's believable for a scared kid who had a death wish not five minutes ago. She finally gets confirmation that this was all about Bella, big surprise there. Bree immediately leaps back into Bella Analysis Mode, wondering why on Earth the Cullens don't turn her into a vampire as well. I just know my wall is going to break if I keep hitting my head against it.
Edward gives his canon line about how suspicious it is that they showed up so late and Bree pats herself on the back for passing on the secrets. If that's the case, then Edward's a complete idiot. He was pretty much handed a top-secret plan on a platter and immediately blabs that he is suspicious of them. The Volturi wind up to kill Bree, thank lord, and Edward shows a desire to help her for the first time. So he only is interested in keeping her alive after she gives him something nice? Interesting. Bree is, of course "touched to the core", which is kind of sad.
Finally, the Volturi set about going to kill her. She thinks back to Fred and hopes that he has a long and successful time in the world and feels sure that he'll survive. Heck, he escaped this novella, I'm sure he'll do great. Bree thinks to Edward to be nice to Fred if he sees him. And given how much Edward thinks about Fred later...yeah.
And we end with this.
"'Take care of that, Felix,' Jane said indifferently, nodding at me. 'I want to go home.'
'Don’t watch,' the redheaded mind reader whispered.
I closed my eyes"
ZeldaQueen: (Meyer) "Did you see that? Did you see what I did thar! That's clever!!!"
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ZeldaQueen: And that's it. It's over. On lucky number Part 13, no less. To quote the Nostalgia Critic, "Christity-Christ-Christ-Christ". Just a bit more and it's OVER!
Onward to: Acknowledgments
Back To: Part 12
Back to: Table of Contents