Repenting Sin
ZeldaQueen: Have you ever wanted to see Harry go against everything in his character and obnoxiously take the higher ground in the name of fundamentalism? Of course you have, you filthy heathens! And so, for a special holiday treat, you're getting just that. And hey, it's doubly appropriate, what with Halloween falling on the Lord's Day and all! So here it is, Repenting Sin, by gorgeousbrowneyesslash.
Oh, and the management would like to remind you all that this sporking is in good fun and no bashing of religion is intended. Please leave the serious business at the door
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Chapter One: The Bible
ZeldaQueen: What about it?
Draco swept into the small living room
ZeldaQueen: Making certain to get all of the popcorn bits under the sofa
that he shared with his life partner, in search of a stray text he needed for the few hours he would be spending at work that day.
ZeldaQueen: Author, you gonna explain this at all? Anything? Like why Harry - and yes, we know it's Harry - is Malfoy's lover? Or why Malfoy apparently has a boring-ass job when he seems to be filthy rich? Or why, for that matter, he's living in this place when he owns a manor?
He rustled around the couch, pulling up the cushions, pushing around stacks of papers and moving around all sorts of bits and pieces that lurked around. He sighed and stood up straight, stretching his hands into the air, then letting them fall, one falling behind his head to scratch at his back.
ZeldaQueen: Well that was certainly important!
Where the heck could the damn thing be? Maybe Harry had moved it?
ZeldaQueen: (Malfoy) "I know I left The Kama Sutra around here somewhere...
He spied the book case in the corner and approached it warily. Would it be in there?
ZeldaQueen: I don't know, a book? In a book case? Sounds like a stretch to me
He sighed and stepped up in front of
ZeldaQueen: - the train. He was getting out of this fic if it killed him
it. There was no other possible place it could be, so he started removing books upon books from the shelves in search of his much needed tome.
ZeldaQueen: I love how this book is apparently so important to him, yet we have no idea what it is or why he wants it. Way to make us care, author
He dumped them down on the floor as carefully as he could in his haste. Some of these books mhad never been opened, just sitting in place collecting dust. He paused as he picked up one to glance at the title.
ZeldaQueen: (Malfoy) "Why in the world do we have An Idiot's Guide to Canonrape? I didn't even know that was an actual title!"
"The Bible? What the. I didn't know we had one of those."
ZeldaQueen: Given Harry's reaction to it later, if Malfoy didn't get it, where the fuck did it come from? Is it one of those spontaneously appearing Bibles that keep showing up on the news or something?
He shrugged and placed it on the coffee table, as the floor was starting to fill up.
ZeldaQueen: The room's flooding?
He looked back to the shelves and suddenly exclaimed in triumph. There was that damned Magical Law text he needed!
ZeldaQueen: Sounds fascinating. Since when has Malfoy enjoyed reading about laws?
He grabbed it quickly and rushed out of the room, into the kitchen where Harry handed him some toast, along with a quick, chaste, kiss on the lips, and then he rushed to the front door, collecting his brief case and cloak on the way. He left in a bustle, toast hanging from his mouth, one arm through a sleeve and the other dangling. He'd be damned if he was late for this meeting!
ZeldaQueen: *stares*
*LAUGHS*
Oh my God, it's a homosexual Blondie and Dagwood! Please tell me that Malfoy knocked over the mailman on the way out the door!
Harry sighed in amusement as he watched Draco leave their apartment. Draco had woken a little late this morning, due to their mischievous behaviour the previous night, and then had to rush to get into the office on time.
ZeldaQueen: I thought it was Fred and George who got into the "mischievous behavior"
Why the blond still bothered to work Harry didn't know, Lord knows they have enough money to live comfortably to the end of their days ten times over.
ZeldaQueen: Ah, so the author did remember that Malfoy was filthy rich. Which begs the question of why is Malfoy still working? I doubt he would if he didn't have to
He glanced around the doorframe to the living room and noticed the mess his partner had made in his rush. He sighed again and walked into the room, intent on cleaning it up.
ZeldaQueen: (Harry) "Really now, I told him to wipe down that chair when he was done with the computer!"
As Harry replaced the numerous tomes back from the floor and onto the shelf, he pondered over the last few years of his life.
ZeldaQueen: It was all rather blurry, and he suspected that his character had been derailed again. At least he wasn't a nudist this time
It had been peaceful ever since he had defeated Voldemort, and he'd managed to fade into the background. He tried to stay out of the limelight as much as possible, as all the questions of reporters and the blatant stares of total strangers just brought back unwanted memories of what he'd had to face in the battle field against his mortal enemy.
ZeldaQueen: At least that bit of his character is right
He'd been with Draco since just a month and a half after the fateful date that decided he could live.
ZeldaQueen: I guess Ginny just took a flying leap then?
Although he was a living breathing being, his soul had nearly died along with Voldemort that day, and he barely recovered. The only thing that pulled him out of that deep depression had been Malfoy, taunting him to a point of total anger that he had lunged himself at the blond in a rage in the middle of the Ministry of Magic.
ZeldaQueen: (Harry) "This is your fault! If you weren't blond and sexy, I wouldn't constantly have fanfiction authors forcing me to snog you!"
He certainly had intentions of killing the bastard, but as soon as he registered the hate he felt, he realised he didn't hate Malfoy. And then he realised he was feeling, that he wasn't lost, and he was so shocked that he wasn't thinking straight, and he'd kissed Malfoy.
ZeldaQueen: ... Yes, because I often feel like kissing people after they spend seven years mercilessly mocking my best friends, family, and significant other
Harry smiled and shook his head in memory of that first awkward stage of "I like you, do you like me?"
ZeldaQueen: Just your average schoolyard romance here. The teasing, the kissing in the middle of the Ministry of Magic, all completely out of character, yep
They'd now been together for five and a half years, were living together in their own prestigious penthouse apartment building, and as far as Harry could tell, were very happy together and had no intentions of changing the arrangements for a very long time.
ZeldaQueen: At least until the author gets bored of this pairing
He wondered over to the coffee table and noticed a solid black book with gold embossed letters. The title read "The Bible."
ZeldaQueen: The title read its own book? That's impressive!
Harry had no idea what it was.
ZeldaQueen: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF JACK BEANS!!!
Seriously though, how could someone raised in the Muggle world for seventeen years have no idea at all what the Bible is? Was this thing written by Jack Chick?
He picked it up and flicked through it, and discovered there was a lot in it.
ZeldaQueen: That's kind of an understatement, yes.
And a lot of what? Words? Pages? Pictures of topless whores seducing people?
As there was nothing else to do that day except potter about in the house,
ZeldaQueen: OH, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR!!!
he sat down on the sofa and opened to the first page of text, beginning to read.
ZeldaQueen: (Harry) "One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish..."
Genesis: 1:
ZeldaQueen: Get three eggs, a quart of milk, and half a cup of flour
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
ZeldaQueen: No explanation for it, the dude just got bored
Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
ZeldaQueen: Now that's just shoddy workmanship there! I can understand forgetting to put form in your earth, but leaving your Spirit of God hanging over the water? That's laziness, plain and simple!
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.
ZeldaQueen: (God) "Bam, who called it?"
God saw that the light was good,
ZeldaQueen: As opposed to bad light. Man, I hate that stuff!
and he separated the light from the darkness.
ZeldaQueen: You'd think God would get a secretary for menial tasks like that. Shouldn't he be doing more important stuff, like creating life or whatnot?
God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." And there was evening, and there was morning - the first day.
ZeldaQueen: Well, I guess even God's got to start slow on ambitious projects
Harry paused. God...He'd only ever heard a little about this before, being so excluded from everything at his young age.
ZeldaQueen: BULL, I SAY!
The Dursleys had never cared for him or his education, it was no wonder he had no concept of religion.
ZeldaQueen: And no one at school talked about it at all? Dude, I was raised agnostic and I knew about God by the time I got out of elementary school!
He continued to read of the creation of earth,
ZeldaQueen: Which was kind of backwards, since usually people are trying to get that stuff off of their nice things
and then onto the story of Adam and Eve
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, that didn't end well
and even further to the fall of man
ZeldaQueen: You know, that never would have happened if God hadn't left man sitting on the edge of the kitchen counter like He did
which is followed by Noah and the Ark.
ZeldaQueen: Which would be a great name for a rock band!
From there it started to get confusing as there were so many names,
ZeldaQueen: Given the sheer volume of the cast of Harry Potter, I find the irony of that statement to be most delicious
telling of how the population grew from its small origins,
ZeldaQueen: Read - through massive incest
the story of Abraham.
ZeldaQueen: The guy who made polygmany cool. Sort of
He continued through the book of Genesis, coming to the book of Exodus.
ZeldaQueen: Damn, he reads fast. Or does he not have to wash the dishes today?
He read of the struggles in Egypt, and that of Moses. He finally came across something called the Ten Commandments.
ZeldaQueen: It involved a dude named Charleton Heston
Exodus: 20:
ZeldaQueen: "If you can read this, you do not need bifocles"
I am the Lord you God,
ZeldaQueen: Is that like, "I heart you God"?
who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery:
ZeldaQueen: - to wander in the desert for thirty years
You shall have no other gods before me.
ZeldaQueen: - so tell the followers of every other faith to suck it
You shall not make for yourself an idol.
ZeldaQueen: Unless you're American. In which case, it's totally cool, as long as you can actually sing or something.
You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.
ZeldaQueen: And you shall also not be gramatically correct and put a comma between "the Lord" and "your God"
Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.
ZeldaQueen: Keep it holy, man!
Honour your father and your mother.
ZeldaQueen: And if no "u"s are to be found, it's fine to just "honor" them
You shall not murder.
ZeldaQueen: Which canon already emphasizes, so no idea why this one's an issue with you
You shall not commit adultery.
ZeldaQueen: Because Harry's such a manwhore, you know?
You shall not steal.
ZeldaQueen: What does the author think fanfiction technically is?
You shall not give false testimony against your neighbour.
ZeldaQueen: Now the folks down the street, they're a different story
You shall not covet your neighbour's house.
ZeldaQueen: Unless you're living in a cardboard box, in which case it's kind of understandable. Especially if your neighbor's a jackass and won't let you in, out of the rain
Harry gulped. "You shall not murder..." he repeated under his breath.
ZeldaQueen: Well, good thing he never murdered anyone!
He shut his eyes tightly, trying to forget the images of him shooting a stream of green light, hitting Voldemort square in the chest, the supposedly all powerful wizard crumpling to the ground, stone cold dead.
ZeldaQueen: And there was much rejoicing
No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't block out those images. Was he condemned to hell because of what he'd had to do to survive in this life? Would he have been better to die?
ZeldaQueen: Um, that's not murder. Murder is the intentional killing of another. Harry only tried to disarm Voldemort. Voldemort was the one who threw the killing curse and was hit by the very same spell
"You shall not make for yourself an idol... Haven't I also done this? The-Boy-Who-Lived...That is a false idol, and yet it is me."
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, it's not like Harry hated being known as The-Boy-Who-Lived and thought, at best, that it was stupid
He let the book fall. Discovering religion this late in life was such a hard thing for anyone, let alone one who'd been all but forced into committing sin of the worst kind. He buried his head in his hands. What was he to do?
ZeldaQueen: Contact your local PPC agents for a quick exorcism. You'll be back to your canon self in no time!
Around midday that very same day, Sunday for that matter,
ZeldaQueen: OH, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR!
Draco came home from work to take Harry for lunch.
"Harry? Hun, I was thinking we could go out for lunch today?"
ZeldaQueen: Paging the Department of Redundancy Department
Not getting a reply, Draco ventured to their bedroom to see if Harry was sleeping, but the bed was crisply made, no sign of him there.
ZeldaQueen: Yes, because the first place gay people always go is the bedroom. HA HA!
He wondered back to the kitchen, wondering if he had some form of muggle music player in his ears again, that silly new device Harry insisted was called an Eye-Pod. I-Pog. Whatever.
ZeldaQueen: *beats author* NO! MODERN! TECHNOLOGICAL! DEVICES!
But there was no sign of him in the kitchen either. He moved on into the living room, and found his objective.
ZeldaQueen: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, will be to murder this Harry doppleganger and restore canon
"Hey Harry...Harry? What's the matter?" Draco was met with a strange sight of Harry sitting on the floor of the room, in front of their coffee table, with a multitude of fluoro coloured sticky notes around him, his attention on a black tome, which was covered in the same sticky notes.
ZeldaQueen: (Harry) "It just...isn't pretty"
As Draco spoke his name though, Harry's head snapped up and his eyes met with Draco's. "Hun? What's the matter? What are you doing?"
ZeldaQueen: Hearing Malfoy call anyone "hun" makes me die a little, inside
"Why didn't you ever tell me about any of this? Or the consequences of our whole life? It's wrong." Harry replied in a dead voice.
ZeldaQueen: (Malfoy) "I'm sorry, maybe it's because I never was interested in such frivolous and silly Muggle superstitions" *curses Harry to oblivion*
"What do you mean?" Draco asked, confused.
ZeldaQueen: Gee Malfoy, he's got a Bible in front of him and is talking about their lifestyle being "wrong". What do you think is going on?
"Us! We're a sin!
ZeldaQueen: No, you're literary characters. Extraordinarily out of character and weird ones, at that
Not to mention all the other foul things I've done that will condemn me!"
ZeldaQueen: (Harry) "I allowed another fanfiction writer to have her way with me! I can't believe it!"
"Harry, what are you going on about?" Draco asked, approaching the seated man. He sat down next to him and attempted to wrap his arms around the man he loved, only to be pushed violently away.
ZeldaQueen: (Harry) *having woken up* "Alright, where's Ginny and why are we living together?"
"Don't you dare touch me!" Harry exclaimed, jumping to his feet and rushing to the other side of the room.
ZeldaQueen: Playing hard to get, Harry?
"Harry -" Draco protested, his voice hurt.
ZeldaQueen: Eh, just put a bandage on it and it'll be fine
"Leviticus 18:22
ZeldaQueen: Actually, it's Eastern Standard, 12:04
Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman, that is detestable!
ZeldaQueen: Yeah! Don't you know you have to tell men entirely different lies than for women? Not many men care if their butt looks fat, after all!
Detestable Draco! We're disgusting! It's a fucking sin what we do every night!"
"Harry please, what's gotten into you?" Draco exclaimed, totally confused as to what was happening.
ZeldaQueen: (Malfoy) "I mean really, it's not like we are lying down when I'm sucking your dick!"
"The Bible has, that's what! You left it on the coffee table this morning when you went through all the books.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, gotta say, stupid move there, Malfoy
I've never seen one before, Draco, so I sat down and read it.
ZeldaQueen: (Harry) "I didn't want to, but the author held a gun to my head"
I've read most of it. I'm a living, walking sin!
ZeldaQueen: I wonder how much a circus would pay for one of those?
I've committed murder, I'm a false idol, people worship me as a god, I've lied, I've slept with men as one would with a woman - multiple times! - and most of all, I'm a fucking wizard!"
ZeldaQueen: Aw, don't be sad, Harry! Just make it back to canon and none of this will trouble you anymore
AN: This started as a One-Shot, but it's turned into heaps more.
ZeldaQueen: Um, it still is a one-shot, thus far. And who uses the word "heaps"?
I couldn't just not upload what I have though, so here you go.
ZeldaQueen: Yes you could have. Just don't click the "upload" button
Let me know what you think in a review!
ZeldaQueen: See my above comments
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ZeldaQueen: So yeah, Happy Halloween to everyone, and be sure to eat lots of candy! And even if you don't celebrate Halloween, eat lots of candy anyway.
On a different note, the sporkings for the upcoming months might be a bit few and far between. This is because I am going to be participating in NaNoWriMo, and I have a feeling that it's going to be all I can do to make it to fifty thousand words in that month. And on the subject of NaNoWriMo, if anyone is at all interested, I will be posting my story as I go along. You can read it at zq_nanowrimo, should you be so inclined. I'm hoping that by forcing myself to post it, I can hold myself to the deadlines. Or something. I don't know. In any case, feel free to take a gander and watch me make a fool of myself if you want
Return to the Sporking Chamber
Oh, and the management would like to remind you all that this sporking is in good fun and no bashing of religion is intended. Please leave the serious business at the door
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Chapter One: The Bible
ZeldaQueen: What about it?
Draco swept into the small living room
ZeldaQueen: Making certain to get all of the popcorn bits under the sofa
that he shared with his life partner, in search of a stray text he needed for the few hours he would be spending at work that day.
ZeldaQueen: Author, you gonna explain this at all? Anything? Like why Harry - and yes, we know it's Harry - is Malfoy's lover? Or why Malfoy apparently has a boring-ass job when he seems to be filthy rich? Or why, for that matter, he's living in this place when he owns a manor?
He rustled around the couch, pulling up the cushions, pushing around stacks of papers and moving around all sorts of bits and pieces that lurked around. He sighed and stood up straight, stretching his hands into the air, then letting them fall, one falling behind his head to scratch at his back.
ZeldaQueen: Well that was certainly important!
Where the heck could the damn thing be? Maybe Harry had moved it?
ZeldaQueen: (Malfoy) "I know I left The Kama Sutra around here somewhere...
He spied the book case in the corner and approached it warily. Would it be in there?
ZeldaQueen: I don't know, a book? In a book case? Sounds like a stretch to me
He sighed and stepped up in front of
ZeldaQueen: - the train. He was getting out of this fic if it killed him
it. There was no other possible place it could be, so he started removing books upon books from the shelves in search of his much needed tome.
ZeldaQueen: I love how this book is apparently so important to him, yet we have no idea what it is or why he wants it. Way to make us care, author
He dumped them down on the floor as carefully as he could in his haste. Some of these books mhad never been opened, just sitting in place collecting dust. He paused as he picked up one to glance at the title.
ZeldaQueen: (Malfoy) "Why in the world do we have An Idiot's Guide to Canonrape? I didn't even know that was an actual title!"
"The Bible? What the. I didn't know we had one of those."
ZeldaQueen: Given Harry's reaction to it later, if Malfoy didn't get it, where the fuck did it come from? Is it one of those spontaneously appearing Bibles that keep showing up on the news or something?
He shrugged and placed it on the coffee table, as the floor was starting to fill up.
ZeldaQueen: The room's flooding?
He looked back to the shelves and suddenly exclaimed in triumph. There was that damned Magical Law text he needed!
ZeldaQueen: Sounds fascinating. Since when has Malfoy enjoyed reading about laws?
He grabbed it quickly and rushed out of the room, into the kitchen where Harry handed him some toast, along with a quick, chaste, kiss on the lips, and then he rushed to the front door, collecting his brief case and cloak on the way. He left in a bustle, toast hanging from his mouth, one arm through a sleeve and the other dangling. He'd be damned if he was late for this meeting!
ZeldaQueen: *stares*
*LAUGHS*
Oh my God, it's a homosexual Blondie and Dagwood! Please tell me that Malfoy knocked over the mailman on the way out the door!
Harry sighed in amusement as he watched Draco leave their apartment. Draco had woken a little late this morning, due to their mischievous behaviour the previous night, and then had to rush to get into the office on time.
ZeldaQueen: I thought it was Fred and George who got into the "mischievous behavior"
Why the blond still bothered to work Harry didn't know, Lord knows they have enough money to live comfortably to the end of their days ten times over.
ZeldaQueen: Ah, so the author did remember that Malfoy was filthy rich. Which begs the question of why is Malfoy still working? I doubt he would if he didn't have to
He glanced around the doorframe to the living room and noticed the mess his partner had made in his rush. He sighed again and walked into the room, intent on cleaning it up.
ZeldaQueen: (Harry) "Really now, I told him to wipe down that chair when he was done with the computer!"
As Harry replaced the numerous tomes back from the floor and onto the shelf, he pondered over the last few years of his life.
ZeldaQueen: It was all rather blurry, and he suspected that his character had been derailed again. At least he wasn't a nudist this time
It had been peaceful ever since he had defeated Voldemort, and he'd managed to fade into the background. He tried to stay out of the limelight as much as possible, as all the questions of reporters and the blatant stares of total strangers just brought back unwanted memories of what he'd had to face in the battle field against his mortal enemy.
ZeldaQueen: At least that bit of his character is right
He'd been with Draco since just a month and a half after the fateful date that decided he could live.
ZeldaQueen: I guess Ginny just took a flying leap then?
Although he was a living breathing being, his soul had nearly died along with Voldemort that day, and he barely recovered. The only thing that pulled him out of that deep depression had been Malfoy, taunting him to a point of total anger that he had lunged himself at the blond in a rage in the middle of the Ministry of Magic.
ZeldaQueen: (Harry) "This is your fault! If you weren't blond and sexy, I wouldn't constantly have fanfiction authors forcing me to snog you!"
He certainly had intentions of killing the bastard, but as soon as he registered the hate he felt, he realised he didn't hate Malfoy. And then he realised he was feeling, that he wasn't lost, and he was so shocked that he wasn't thinking straight, and he'd kissed Malfoy.
ZeldaQueen: ... Yes, because I often feel like kissing people after they spend seven years mercilessly mocking my best friends, family, and significant other
Harry smiled and shook his head in memory of that first awkward stage of "I like you, do you like me?"
ZeldaQueen: Just your average schoolyard romance here. The teasing, the kissing in the middle of the Ministry of Magic, all completely out of character, yep
They'd now been together for five and a half years, were living together in their own prestigious penthouse apartment building, and as far as Harry could tell, were very happy together and had no intentions of changing the arrangements for a very long time.
ZeldaQueen: At least until the author gets bored of this pairing
He wondered over to the coffee table and noticed a solid black book with gold embossed letters. The title read "The Bible."
ZeldaQueen: The title read its own book? That's impressive!
Harry had no idea what it was.
ZeldaQueen: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF JACK BEANS!!!
Seriously though, how could someone raised in the Muggle world for seventeen years have no idea at all what the Bible is? Was this thing written by Jack Chick?
He picked it up and flicked through it, and discovered there was a lot in it.
ZeldaQueen: That's kind of an understatement, yes.
And a lot of what? Words? Pages? Pictures of topless whores seducing people?
As there was nothing else to do that day except potter about in the house,
ZeldaQueen: OH, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR!!!
he sat down on the sofa and opened to the first page of text, beginning to read.
ZeldaQueen: (Harry) "One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish..."
Genesis: 1:
ZeldaQueen: Get three eggs, a quart of milk, and half a cup of flour
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
ZeldaQueen: No explanation for it, the dude just got bored
Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
ZeldaQueen: Now that's just shoddy workmanship there! I can understand forgetting to put form in your earth, but leaving your Spirit of God hanging over the water? That's laziness, plain and simple!
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.
ZeldaQueen: (God) "Bam, who called it?"
God saw that the light was good,
ZeldaQueen: As opposed to bad light. Man, I hate that stuff!
and he separated the light from the darkness.
ZeldaQueen: You'd think God would get a secretary for menial tasks like that. Shouldn't he be doing more important stuff, like creating life or whatnot?
God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." And there was evening, and there was morning - the first day.
ZeldaQueen: Well, I guess even God's got to start slow on ambitious projects
Harry paused. God...He'd only ever heard a little about this before, being so excluded from everything at his young age.
ZeldaQueen: BULL, I SAY!
The Dursleys had never cared for him or his education, it was no wonder he had no concept of religion.
ZeldaQueen: And no one at school talked about it at all? Dude, I was raised agnostic and I knew about God by the time I got out of elementary school!
He continued to read of the creation of earth,
ZeldaQueen: Which was kind of backwards, since usually people are trying to get that stuff off of their nice things
and then onto the story of Adam and Eve
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, that didn't end well
and even further to the fall of man
ZeldaQueen: You know, that never would have happened if God hadn't left man sitting on the edge of the kitchen counter like He did
which is followed by Noah and the Ark.
ZeldaQueen: Which would be a great name for a rock band!
From there it started to get confusing as there were so many names,
ZeldaQueen: Given the sheer volume of the cast of Harry Potter, I find the irony of that statement to be most delicious
telling of how the population grew from its small origins,
ZeldaQueen: Read - through massive incest
the story of Abraham.
ZeldaQueen: The guy who made polygmany cool. Sort of
He continued through the book of Genesis, coming to the book of Exodus.
ZeldaQueen: Damn, he reads fast. Or does he not have to wash the dishes today?
He read of the struggles in Egypt, and that of Moses. He finally came across something called the Ten Commandments.
ZeldaQueen: It involved a dude named Charleton Heston
Exodus: 20:
ZeldaQueen: "If you can read this, you do not need bifocles"
I am the Lord you God,
ZeldaQueen: Is that like, "I heart you God"?
who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery:
ZeldaQueen: - to wander in the desert for thirty years
You shall have no other gods before me.
ZeldaQueen: - so tell the followers of every other faith to suck it
You shall not make for yourself an idol.
ZeldaQueen: Unless you're American. In which case, it's totally cool, as long as you can actually sing or something.
You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.
ZeldaQueen: And you shall also not be gramatically correct and put a comma between "the Lord" and "your God"
Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.
ZeldaQueen: Keep it holy, man!
Honour your father and your mother.
ZeldaQueen: And if no "u"s are to be found, it's fine to just "honor" them
You shall not murder.
ZeldaQueen: Which canon already emphasizes, so no idea why this one's an issue with you
You shall not commit adultery.
ZeldaQueen: Because Harry's such a manwhore, you know?
You shall not steal.
ZeldaQueen: What does the author think fanfiction technically is?
You shall not give false testimony against your neighbour.
ZeldaQueen: Now the folks down the street, they're a different story
You shall not covet your neighbour's house.
ZeldaQueen: Unless you're living in a cardboard box, in which case it's kind of understandable. Especially if your neighbor's a jackass and won't let you in, out of the rain
Harry gulped. "You shall not murder..." he repeated under his breath.
ZeldaQueen: Well, good thing he never murdered anyone!
He shut his eyes tightly, trying to forget the images of him shooting a stream of green light, hitting Voldemort square in the chest, the supposedly all powerful wizard crumpling to the ground, stone cold dead.
ZeldaQueen: And there was much rejoicing
No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't block out those images. Was he condemned to hell because of what he'd had to do to survive in this life? Would he have been better to die?
ZeldaQueen: Um, that's not murder. Murder is the intentional killing of another. Harry only tried to disarm Voldemort. Voldemort was the one who threw the killing curse and was hit by the very same spell
"You shall not make for yourself an idol... Haven't I also done this? The-Boy-Who-Lived...That is a false idol, and yet it is me."
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, it's not like Harry hated being known as The-Boy-Who-Lived and thought, at best, that it was stupid
He let the book fall. Discovering religion this late in life was such a hard thing for anyone, let alone one who'd been all but forced into committing sin of the worst kind. He buried his head in his hands. What was he to do?
ZeldaQueen: Contact your local PPC agents for a quick exorcism. You'll be back to your canon self in no time!
Around midday that very same day, Sunday for that matter,
ZeldaQueen: OH, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR!
Draco came home from work to take Harry for lunch.
"Harry? Hun, I was thinking we could go out for lunch today?"
ZeldaQueen: Paging the Department of Redundancy Department
Not getting a reply, Draco ventured to their bedroom to see if Harry was sleeping, but the bed was crisply made, no sign of him there.
ZeldaQueen: Yes, because the first place gay people always go is the bedroom. HA HA!
He wondered back to the kitchen, wondering if he had some form of muggle music player in his ears again, that silly new device Harry insisted was called an Eye-Pod. I-Pog. Whatever.
ZeldaQueen: *beats author* NO! MODERN! TECHNOLOGICAL! DEVICES!
But there was no sign of him in the kitchen either. He moved on into the living room, and found his objective.
ZeldaQueen: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, will be to murder this Harry doppleganger and restore canon
"Hey Harry...Harry? What's the matter?" Draco was met with a strange sight of Harry sitting on the floor of the room, in front of their coffee table, with a multitude of fluoro coloured sticky notes around him, his attention on a black tome, which was covered in the same sticky notes.
ZeldaQueen: (Harry) "It just...isn't pretty"
As Draco spoke his name though, Harry's head snapped up and his eyes met with Draco's. "Hun? What's the matter? What are you doing?"
ZeldaQueen: Hearing Malfoy call anyone "hun" makes me die a little, inside
"Why didn't you ever tell me about any of this? Or the consequences of our whole life? It's wrong." Harry replied in a dead voice.
ZeldaQueen: (Malfoy) "I'm sorry, maybe it's because I never was interested in such frivolous and silly Muggle superstitions" *curses Harry to oblivion*
"What do you mean?" Draco asked, confused.
ZeldaQueen: Gee Malfoy, he's got a Bible in front of him and is talking about their lifestyle being "wrong". What do you think is going on?
"Us! We're a sin!
ZeldaQueen: No, you're literary characters. Extraordinarily out of character and weird ones, at that
Not to mention all the other foul things I've done that will condemn me!"
ZeldaQueen: (Harry) "I allowed another fanfiction writer to have her way with me! I can't believe it!"
"Harry, what are you going on about?" Draco asked, approaching the seated man. He sat down next to him and attempted to wrap his arms around the man he loved, only to be pushed violently away.
ZeldaQueen: (Harry) *having woken up* "Alright, where's Ginny and why are we living together?"
"Don't you dare touch me!" Harry exclaimed, jumping to his feet and rushing to the other side of the room.
ZeldaQueen: Playing hard to get, Harry?
"Harry -" Draco protested, his voice hurt.
ZeldaQueen: Eh, just put a bandage on it and it'll be fine
"Leviticus 18:22
ZeldaQueen: Actually, it's Eastern Standard, 12:04
Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman, that is detestable!
ZeldaQueen: Yeah! Don't you know you have to tell men entirely different lies than for women? Not many men care if their butt looks fat, after all!
Detestable Draco! We're disgusting! It's a fucking sin what we do every night!"
"Harry please, what's gotten into you?" Draco exclaimed, totally confused as to what was happening.
ZeldaQueen: (Malfoy) "I mean really, it's not like we are lying down when I'm sucking your dick!"
"The Bible has, that's what! You left it on the coffee table this morning when you went through all the books.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, gotta say, stupid move there, Malfoy
I've never seen one before, Draco, so I sat down and read it.
ZeldaQueen: (Harry) "I didn't want to, but the author held a gun to my head"
I've read most of it. I'm a living, walking sin!
ZeldaQueen: I wonder how much a circus would pay for one of those?
I've committed murder, I'm a false idol, people worship me as a god, I've lied, I've slept with men as one would with a woman - multiple times! - and most of all, I'm a fucking wizard!"
ZeldaQueen: Aw, don't be sad, Harry! Just make it back to canon and none of this will trouble you anymore
AN: This started as a One-Shot, but it's turned into heaps more.
ZeldaQueen: Um, it still is a one-shot, thus far. And who uses the word "heaps"?
I couldn't just not upload what I have though, so here you go.
ZeldaQueen: Yes you could have. Just don't click the "upload" button
Let me know what you think in a review!
ZeldaQueen: See my above comments
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ZeldaQueen: So yeah, Happy Halloween to everyone, and be sure to eat lots of candy! And even if you don't celebrate Halloween, eat lots of candy anyway.
On a different note, the sporkings for the upcoming months might be a bit few and far between. This is because I am going to be participating in NaNoWriMo, and I have a feeling that it's going to be all I can do to make it to fifty thousand words in that month. And on the subject of NaNoWriMo, if anyone is at all interested, I will be posting my story as I go along. You can read it at zq_nanowrimo, should you be so inclined. I'm hoping that by forcing myself to post it, I can hold myself to the deadlines. Or something. I don't know. In any case, feel free to take a gander and watch me make a fool of myself if you want
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