Welcome Home - September
Series: Welcome Home
Month: September
Title: In Loving Memory
Spoilers: Pretty much Kurogane’s past
Note: Written for part of the “Fai and Kurogane’s first full year in Nihon, post-series” series of ficlet that kitty-chama and I are working on. This ficlet in particular isn’t exactly made of fluff and schmoop. Plus, the “write Kurogane in 1st person POV” bug bit me once again and wouldn’t leave me alone because it seemed right. That means there is a lot of introspection going on here.
And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I could never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around
All of these questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn
- “Shake It Out” - Florence + The Machine
Home is such an abstract concept to me nowadays. And it always has been ever since my home, the province of Suwa, was destroyed.
To be honest, I never dreamed of returning to Suwa, not ever since I was found in the ruins of my homeland with my mother in one arm and my father’s sword in the other. Maybe it’s because even though Tomoyo had saved me from complete despair I’d still shut away any prospects of ever coming back to the haunted wastelands, wanting to forget any pain that came with it. For a long time I thought, what’s the point of dealing with the past, especially when it came to the deceased, when it’s better to focus on the present and preserve the living.
But now here I am in this land with Fai, paying homage and respect to my ancestors - my parents and all of the people of Suwa who perished that night. Instead of visiting the graves in the capital with the imperial family like I normally have had in all of the autumns when I stayed at Shirasagi and served Tomoyo, I had admitted my desire to return to Suwa, and so Amaterasu had granted Fai and me permission and even her blessings to come here instead. She was calm and reserved just like how she always was, as is expected of her roles as the Mikado. And yet, I have a feeling that she has been waiting, even hoping, for that one day I would ask for her permission to visit my homeland.
It turns out that the neighboring lords and ladies had all decided and came together to build a mass makeshift graveyard for all of the Suwanese people, because there wasn’t any living person to do that painful burden of burying the innocent dead. They had done that when I, the heir and the only survivor to this day, was gone, perhaps believing that even Suwa’s young lord was a victim as well. The mage and I make sure to visit each and every grave to give full reverence on this occasion. This lasts for a few hours until we wound our way into the center of the graveyard, and I am already aware of what we will encounter.
Yet I still feel unprepared for what we find in the heart of the mass burial site.
Two large stone tombs are erected side by side for my father and mother, the last Lord and Lady of Suwa to grace this world. In truth these are monuments for them because my mother’s body was buried in the capital’s graveyard and my father had none whatsoever to be properly placed in the ground. To my surprise, there are traces of incense left in the dried, cracked dirt in front of my parents’ monuments. Most of them are charred and brittle from being burned ages ago in paid respect, but some are not as weathered. I feel a swell, but also a dull ache in my chest for seeing and knowing that neighboring people still come by to pay respect and prayers to my beloved mother and father after all these years, when I myself have never returned to this place and to them until today. Soon Fai and I will light incense as well and tuck them along with the others. But for now, I still stand there silent, speechless at all I am seeing and feeling.
It’s Fai who breaks the silence.
“The people must have truly known so much about Kuro-sama’s parents if they still come to pay their respects.”
I nod briefly as he retreats back into silence to reflect and I then take the time to mull words. Finally, I’m ready to speak about them.
I quietly tell him about my parents, about my proud father who served as the protector and guardian and my graceful mother who offered blessings and prayers as the priestess. He listens with utmost respect and I even find myself speaking about them with as much love and reverence I have for them as I had as a child, before I lost them. After every few utterances about my mother and father Fai appraises them because just from what I say he believes that they are strong and admirable.
“I can see why Kuro-sama is the way he is,” Fai says, warmly. He pauses, but he smiles, and I know he’s thinking about how all those times I had protected him; how I always will.
“Do you ever wonder what they think about me, if they had the chance?”
Sometimes I still see Fai hesitant, unsure and afraid of what others may see in and feel about him. He has been better about this fortunately otherwise I will knock some sense into his idiotic head. But when he notices my half-amused, half-concerned expression, he then reminds me that it is perfectly common to wonder what the parents of one’s lover would see about him. Shaking my head, I tell him that they would. However, I don’t quite tell him that I feel that they will be happy to see our state of happiness because I gently urge that we need to proceed.
We then light the incense - two for each - and hold them in our hands, raising them to reach head level. Smoke wisps from the end and the autumnal wind stills even then.
As we bow our heads in silence and send our prayers and respect to Mother and Father, my mind drifts to memories of them and memories of my childhood promises and ambitions. I watched my father in the training field, awed and wanting to be just as good as he was with the sword. I saw my mother in her sacred shrine praying when he was away to defend the province’s borders. Father would teach me the lessons of fighting and what it really meant to be strong for the protection of everyone and Mother would show me the persistence and strength of support and nurturance. Together, they embodied what it meant to love and protect as they poured countless ounces of devotion and love for me, for one another, and for the people of Suwa, and they had done their duties until their very last breaths. My promises and ambitions to be like my father - a strong man, lord, and protector for the people precious to me had also died with them that night.
I never forgot my mother’s last prayer for my father and our family’s sword and I never forgot my father’s last words, words that left me wanting to fulfill that promise he and I wanted for me. But somewhere along the way, I lost sight of that, and if it weren’t for Tomoyo or Souma or Amaterasu even before I went on the journey, who knows what would have become of me. The bloody, shameful path I had let myself get into is something I know my parents would not be proud of. And yet after all that we had gone through, I had found my way back to the path I had walked as a child, one that my parents and Tomoyo had envisioned for me. Ginryuu came back to me, but only for a moment. I had used her to enact revenge on Mother, but I sacrificed it in the end. The last precious family heirloom is now lost, forever.
And yet…I do not mourn for the loss of it. Somehow I know Father will not be saddened at all because I had precisely used it to fulfill the promise I had made to him and to myself so long ago as a boy. I was able to protect everyone - most importantly the person who’s standing right next to me in prayer - and it’s all I could ever ask for, now that I think about it. Even after the traveling continued relentlessly, Fai’s been by my side as promised. We’re back in Nihon, and now that we’re here, standing on the soil of my homeland that suffered with the scent of incense lingering the air and the spirits, I then realize that there’s still one last thing that I wish to have fulfilled.
Restore Suwa with Fai as Lord and Priest.
Years ago I would never dreamed of bringing my beloved province back to life, dreamed that I could lead the land. It’s true that my state of violence back then wasn’t fit for this lifestyle, but now I know that I was wrong all along. The past could never leave me fully, which ironically was something I always had told Fai off in regards to his past. And yet the idea, the overwhelming revelation that I want to rebuild this home, want to start a new path with Fai is something that I could not push away anymore. Not only is it something I desire, but it’s also an honorable thing to do for my parents whom I am still praying to.
I have to tell him, I realize, as I finish my thoughts and prayers and bow in three rapid successions before placing the incense in the soil, one in front of each monument. He does the same.
When I tell him that there’s something I wanted to say right away, Fai quietly understands and lets me speak. I then let him know how much I want to rebuild Suwa and become its lord, briefly explaining what made me felt so. It of course also entails that I ask him to become the priest, my partner in watching over the restored land. The look in his startled eyes at my request reveals how much it means to him to be asked to protect something precious along with me. So when he quietly tells me that, yes, he would love and feel honored to take that role it simply warms me in more than many ways. This is it. We’re going to resettle my birth home, our new home. The process will be arduous and preparations and arrangements will be strenuous. But for now, Fai and I are just here.
Somewhere, wherever they are watching, I know that Mother and Father are happy for us and for the future.
“It’s something Hahaue and Chichiue would want,” I say on a final note.
He smiles, touched. “I think so too, Youou.”
Youou. The name I had laid to rest in my youth and took my father’s name in place. The name I never wanted to hear again, never wanted to live by when I woke up in the castle and could only feel deep remorse for failing to protect my mother and our home. The last time I heard my true name spoken with importance was from Tomoyo when I made that oath. But now, my name comes back to me, with all its past and lingering memories. I have returned here as Kurogane, and still will. And yet I have returned here as Youou, too, to reclaim my title as the heir and fulfill my duty and desire to restore Suwa and become its lord. The profoundness nearly overwhelms me and as I try to say something to him, I find myself only able to look at him and simply nod, swallowing a rising lump in my throat.
There’s something calm and pensive and even understanding in his eyes. Without saying anything, he grabs my hand. Fingers find their way through mines and squeeze them firmly, yet gently and together we face my parent’s tombs again to say our last farewells, for now.
Even though this is just the beginning to restore my beloved home back to life, this place is truly never going to be the same. The past is buried but it is also resurrected. Memories may never fade but new ones will be built. But it’s a start and I’m alright with it. Because this time, he’s with me, the one I had and still vow to protect with all of my heart.
Month: September
Title: In Loving Memory
Spoilers: Pretty much Kurogane’s past
Note: Written for part of the “Fai and Kurogane’s first full year in Nihon, post-series” series of ficlet that kitty-chama and I are working on. This ficlet in particular isn’t exactly made of fluff and schmoop. Plus, the “write Kurogane in 1st person POV” bug bit me once again and wouldn’t leave me alone because it seemed right. That means there is a lot of introspection going on here.
And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I could never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around
All of these questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn
- “Shake It Out” - Florence + The Machine
Home is such an abstract concept to me nowadays. And it always has been ever since my home, the province of Suwa, was destroyed.
To be honest, I never dreamed of returning to Suwa, not ever since I was found in the ruins of my homeland with my mother in one arm and my father’s sword in the other. Maybe it’s because even though Tomoyo had saved me from complete despair I’d still shut away any prospects of ever coming back to the haunted wastelands, wanting to forget any pain that came with it. For a long time I thought, what’s the point of dealing with the past, especially when it came to the deceased, when it’s better to focus on the present and preserve the living.
But now here I am in this land with Fai, paying homage and respect to my ancestors - my parents and all of the people of Suwa who perished that night. Instead of visiting the graves in the capital with the imperial family like I normally have had in all of the autumns when I stayed at Shirasagi and served Tomoyo, I had admitted my desire to return to Suwa, and so Amaterasu had granted Fai and me permission and even her blessings to come here instead. She was calm and reserved just like how she always was, as is expected of her roles as the Mikado. And yet, I have a feeling that she has been waiting, even hoping, for that one day I would ask for her permission to visit my homeland.
It turns out that the neighboring lords and ladies had all decided and came together to build a mass makeshift graveyard for all of the Suwanese people, because there wasn’t any living person to do that painful burden of burying the innocent dead. They had done that when I, the heir and the only survivor to this day, was gone, perhaps believing that even Suwa’s young lord was a victim as well. The mage and I make sure to visit each and every grave to give full reverence on this occasion. This lasts for a few hours until we wound our way into the center of the graveyard, and I am already aware of what we will encounter.
Yet I still feel unprepared for what we find in the heart of the mass burial site.
Two large stone tombs are erected side by side for my father and mother, the last Lord and Lady of Suwa to grace this world. In truth these are monuments for them because my mother’s body was buried in the capital’s graveyard and my father had none whatsoever to be properly placed in the ground. To my surprise, there are traces of incense left in the dried, cracked dirt in front of my parents’ monuments. Most of them are charred and brittle from being burned ages ago in paid respect, but some are not as weathered. I feel a swell, but also a dull ache in my chest for seeing and knowing that neighboring people still come by to pay respect and prayers to my beloved mother and father after all these years, when I myself have never returned to this place and to them until today. Soon Fai and I will light incense as well and tuck them along with the others. But for now, I still stand there silent, speechless at all I am seeing and feeling.
It’s Fai who breaks the silence.
“The people must have truly known so much about Kuro-sama’s parents if they still come to pay their respects.”
I nod briefly as he retreats back into silence to reflect and I then take the time to mull words. Finally, I’m ready to speak about them.
I quietly tell him about my parents, about my proud father who served as the protector and guardian and my graceful mother who offered blessings and prayers as the priestess. He listens with utmost respect and I even find myself speaking about them with as much love and reverence I have for them as I had as a child, before I lost them. After every few utterances about my mother and father Fai appraises them because just from what I say he believes that they are strong and admirable.
“I can see why Kuro-sama is the way he is,” Fai says, warmly. He pauses, but he smiles, and I know he’s thinking about how all those times I had protected him; how I always will.
“Do you ever wonder what they think about me, if they had the chance?”
Sometimes I still see Fai hesitant, unsure and afraid of what others may see in and feel about him. He has been better about this fortunately otherwise I will knock some sense into his idiotic head. But when he notices my half-amused, half-concerned expression, he then reminds me that it is perfectly common to wonder what the parents of one’s lover would see about him. Shaking my head, I tell him that they would. However, I don’t quite tell him that I feel that they will be happy to see our state of happiness because I gently urge that we need to proceed.
We then light the incense - two for each - and hold them in our hands, raising them to reach head level. Smoke wisps from the end and the autumnal wind stills even then.
As we bow our heads in silence and send our prayers and respect to Mother and Father, my mind drifts to memories of them and memories of my childhood promises and ambitions. I watched my father in the training field, awed and wanting to be just as good as he was with the sword. I saw my mother in her sacred shrine praying when he was away to defend the province’s borders. Father would teach me the lessons of fighting and what it really meant to be strong for the protection of everyone and Mother would show me the persistence and strength of support and nurturance. Together, they embodied what it meant to love and protect as they poured countless ounces of devotion and love for me, for one another, and for the people of Suwa, and they had done their duties until their very last breaths. My promises and ambitions to be like my father - a strong man, lord, and protector for the people precious to me had also died with them that night.
I never forgot my mother’s last prayer for my father and our family’s sword and I never forgot my father’s last words, words that left me wanting to fulfill that promise he and I wanted for me. But somewhere along the way, I lost sight of that, and if it weren’t for Tomoyo or Souma or Amaterasu even before I went on the journey, who knows what would have become of me. The bloody, shameful path I had let myself get into is something I know my parents would not be proud of. And yet after all that we had gone through, I had found my way back to the path I had walked as a child, one that my parents and Tomoyo had envisioned for me. Ginryuu came back to me, but only for a moment. I had used her to enact revenge on Mother, but I sacrificed it in the end. The last precious family heirloom is now lost, forever.
And yet…I do not mourn for the loss of it. Somehow I know Father will not be saddened at all because I had precisely used it to fulfill the promise I had made to him and to myself so long ago as a boy. I was able to protect everyone - most importantly the person who’s standing right next to me in prayer - and it’s all I could ever ask for, now that I think about it. Even after the traveling continued relentlessly, Fai’s been by my side as promised. We’re back in Nihon, and now that we’re here, standing on the soil of my homeland that suffered with the scent of incense lingering the air and the spirits, I then realize that there’s still one last thing that I wish to have fulfilled.
Restore Suwa with Fai as Lord and Priest.
Years ago I would never dreamed of bringing my beloved province back to life, dreamed that I could lead the land. It’s true that my state of violence back then wasn’t fit for this lifestyle, but now I know that I was wrong all along. The past could never leave me fully, which ironically was something I always had told Fai off in regards to his past. And yet the idea, the overwhelming revelation that I want to rebuild this home, want to start a new path with Fai is something that I could not push away anymore. Not only is it something I desire, but it’s also an honorable thing to do for my parents whom I am still praying to.
I have to tell him, I realize, as I finish my thoughts and prayers and bow in three rapid successions before placing the incense in the soil, one in front of each monument. He does the same.
When I tell him that there’s something I wanted to say right away, Fai quietly understands and lets me speak. I then let him know how much I want to rebuild Suwa and become its lord, briefly explaining what made me felt so. It of course also entails that I ask him to become the priest, my partner in watching over the restored land. The look in his startled eyes at my request reveals how much it means to him to be asked to protect something precious along with me. So when he quietly tells me that, yes, he would love and feel honored to take that role it simply warms me in more than many ways. This is it. We’re going to resettle my birth home, our new home. The process will be arduous and preparations and arrangements will be strenuous. But for now, Fai and I are just here.
Somewhere, wherever they are watching, I know that Mother and Father are happy for us and for the future.
“It’s something Hahaue and Chichiue would want,” I say on a final note.
He smiles, touched. “I think so too, Youou.”
Youou. The name I had laid to rest in my youth and took my father’s name in place. The name I never wanted to hear again, never wanted to live by when I woke up in the castle and could only feel deep remorse for failing to protect my mother and our home. The last time I heard my true name spoken with importance was from Tomoyo when I made that oath. But now, my name comes back to me, with all its past and lingering memories. I have returned here as Kurogane, and still will. And yet I have returned here as Youou, too, to reclaim my title as the heir and fulfill my duty and desire to restore Suwa and become its lord. The profoundness nearly overwhelms me and as I try to say something to him, I find myself only able to look at him and simply nod, swallowing a rising lump in my throat.
There’s something calm and pensive and even understanding in his eyes. Without saying anything, he grabs my hand. Fingers find their way through mines and squeeze them firmly, yet gently and together we face my parent’s tombs again to say our last farewells, for now.
Even though this is just the beginning to restore my beloved home back to life, this place is truly never going to be the same. The past is buried but it is also resurrected. Memories may never fade but new ones will be built. But it’s a start and I’m alright with it. Because this time, he’s with me, the one I had and still vow to protect with all of my heart.