a rock and a hard place

[zendej]

How do you choose between your spouse and your relatives, like your brother or your sister? How do you prioritize them? Who is more important, your sibling you pretty much shared your life with up until this point or your spouse you've been sharing last few years

Comments

compromise

[panda_snapper]

compromise, and once again compromise:(
The hardest way is to stay cool and impartial... People are so fond of making each other's life a complete hell. They just shift the weight off their shoulders. My mom sometimes does so - it takes me a couple of days to recover after just an hour of her crying...

Re: compromise

[zendej]

I think your mom sends you on a guilt trip, all moms have perfected that skill. You can't get away from that, at the most you can grow thicker skin.

[zendej]

i know, i've been trying really hard and option of alienating either my wife or my brother is not an option for me. Sometimes i just want to bitch slap both of them back into reality.

[scorpionis]

Ay caramba, I can sort of relate. My brother is one of those "has a great heart" people, and to his credit he has cleaned up his life quite a bit in recent years (having a kid will do that to some people). But I've had to deal directly with some of his really unsavory addictive personality habits in the past and some other unpleasant situations where it was plain that I was stuck between the interests of my marriage family and the needs of my blood family. There is a much more complicated backstory to that which I will not bore you with, but it means that I have an extremely vested interest in assisting my blood family (what little is left) whenever possible. To my personal detriment occasionally, and as I said, sometimes to the consternation to my husband, though he has always been roundly understanding and supportive of my motivations

[zendej]

Actually, your story pretty closely follows mine, except for minor differences. Sometimes I feel obligated to help my brother and take care of him in certain situations, albeit not life or law threatening, but still quite unpleasant, when I felt he should be taking care of me, being an older brother and such.
I've cut financial help, because it was really hurting my immediate family, but there are still a lot of needs afloat and although I try to tend to them as much as possible, I'm not always emotionally available and it hurts me to realise that. I know i'm not his babysitter, but... you know what I mean.

[earthlingmike]

I generally agree with this, especially the last bit about the wife.

[zendej]

when i mentioned fighting with brother i didn't mean it in a bad way, rather we've been fairly close with each other. I meant mostly childhood games. We're pretty close, although he is more of a taker in our relationship.
About betrayal, you're right, she never cheated on me, nor she shows any signs, but there is something inside me that doesn't trust anyone.
As usual, the issue is inside me, not outside. :(

[walkwithmenow]

My only response is if your vows were of the typical variety then you and your wife are not two people but have become one in marrige which then changes the question to, do you choose yourself or your brother first?

I don't know if that helps at all but it's how I view the issue that you have put forth. I know that for me, what is best for me comes first in a seemingly neutral decision. Taken further then were I married then of course what is best for my wife (me) comes first in a neutral decision.

If you believe in God and/or the bible then the answer is obvious. Your obligation is to your wife period. The sacrament/bond of marrige, biblically speaking, superceeds all others.

[zendej]

I'm an atheist, so bible not gonna help much, although I recognize it outlines some fundamental values valid for believer and atheist equally.
What i have is a conflict between my mind and my heart. My mind tells me I have to take my brother's side and my heart tells me I'm wrong and I should stand by my wife.
I'm not very used to following my heart.