Stream of Consciousness
Here I go stream of consciousness no punctuation no backspacing for editing evertyhing is raw and pure and I will let it all out starting with the beginning to my day which was later than normal I didn’t have to go to my morning metting like normal Tuesdays and fuck this I’m not here to talk about my time or day I need to talk about what I’m feeling which is kind of up in the air right now am I in a funk or no? am I happy, sad, down blah blah blah filler space when I was driving home from work I didn’t listen to any music I rolled the windows down and drove the whole way in this little cocoon of wind slashing my hair and making my skin turn into goosebumps I had a similar experience on the way to swimming last night, as I was driving to swimming I rolled the windows down and listened the to the coldplay cd that matt burned me during one of the Memphis trips. It made me feel real,.y good and mellow and started my healing process froim the absolute funk I’ve been in for quite some time now so driving home from work I normally get off on Indian school and drive west to my street, but this time I kept going south on 5` and drove all the way around the 10 and then up 7th ave I scvreamed as loud as I could with the windows down thinking of the godsmack song where he says ‘I’ve been told to scream, when no one can hear me it doesn’t mean nothing’ aside from bein a double negative I always won dered if I wasn’t around anyone would an expression of emotions mean the same thing to me as it does when I’m in front of people now granted I’ve had breakdowns of emotional control in front of people before, amd also completely by myself but nev er a release as it is called. Styeve told me one time that I need more release in my lif in a guttural fashion, not some planned out response to a stimuli I need to just let it out primally I agree with him at times and today was one of those times I’m having troubles at work, not necessarily with work itself or the environment but merely my own personal expectations of myself and my self-esteem with my job I know I’m the shit in everyday life, but I had an issue the past few days wiuth work I haven’t been to school in two weeks I might fail in all of my classes and it will hurt and waste bunch of time and money Burton Balonick started my fallout today as I had to call and yell at a lawyer for him I’ve realized that maybe my balls are too big for my britches I have this weird delusion that I’m somehow powerful in the business world I call random companies and tell them to reverse charges on our mutual customer’s account I call people in bank one and tell them to do something and when they tell me know I call their bosses and tell them to do it I fight with people on an everyday business over money and petty shit, when really does it matter??? Does any of this aterr? Oh SHIT, midlife crisis why did that shit come out in all caps I don’t know but I’ve forbidden myself from using the backspace key, and this hurts my sense of perfection, but at the same time it’s an exercise in control of myself to be able to refrain from hitting a key trhat my fingers would normally seek out on themselves. Even as I type this I’m contemplating how I’m going to be able to avoid spell check. So I got home from work, and I lit every candle in the apartment and stripped naked this nerxt part is important so I’m going to skip a space and start a new paragraph
So I’m naked in my apartment, completely lit By Candlelight, ther first step to any true healing process. I start the shower and let it warm up, but don’t get in it yet, does anyone else do this? I know my mom always did it and I’ve just kind of picked up the habit thoruhgtout my life and anyway I get a bottle of wine, break the seal, pull the cork out. It’s good, truning leaf merlot, what year is it, 2001 it’s decent. It tastes very spicy and bold, more like a Sumatra of wines, but dfefinatrelty not good with mushrooms as that one coffee tasting class forced on me ugh
I digress, important part I’m naked in my apartment, lit By Candlelight and have an entire bottle of wine open, with no glass There’s something vastly empowering about drinking directly from a 750 ml bottle of wine one you’re lockied into finishing the entire thing by yourself, so you’re guartenateed to be drunk, well at leats I am, but you’re also free to do whatever you want with it and no glkasses to clean up. So I got in the shower with ¼ of it in my stomach I haven’t eaten today very much so it’s already hitting me, I pouyr some on myselof while I’m showering. It runs off, in the dim lighting it looks like the scene from Psycho, which Jennifer was talking about today she made the stabbing kreech kreech kreech noise at a customer while he was in th ebathrrom is was funny but I piyr some on myself and I’m reminded of a night in Raleigh with Sean, one of my favorite nights ever, in the top 10 at least
Scene: hotel room, bottle of Rodney strong by the bed, maybe two. Clothes come off, I shoudn’t eve be describing this riught now as this was such an amazing beautiful thing that a stream of consciousness description of it does not do any justice whatsoever, but because I’m thinking it I have to write about it those are the rules, so sean and I are on the bed, roughly rubbing and making out, I take a drink of wine, French kiss push into his mouth, pour wine on eac h other, push wine into him with my tongue, have amazing sex, the three ways p[ossible between two men all only with the lube of sweat spit and red wine it was HANDS DOWN the best sex I’ve EVER had, no one has ever come close to that no one. And no one ever will because it was with the man I love, spontaneous, and it oooked like blood, am I fucked up because I think wine soaked bodies are the single hottest thing created on earth? Do you think there is a porn section at fascinations devoted to wine as a fetish are there other people with a wine fetish? Or is it not even a fetish but merely what the fuck am I’m talking about I need to be deep and talk about deep persionaly feelings that are fucking me up, not some sex shit, sex is just on top, not deep
Wine break ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ok that was good, in case you werew wondering I held the m key down while iwas drinking so that would give you a good timeframe of how long I slammed that back for which wasn’t very long as I just kind of open my jaws wide and let it slide down my throat I can’t clamp my lips around it because I have alittle canker sore UGH! No more bullshit emotion emotion emotion! I’m surprised if someone is still reading this fare, but when I think about it, it’s only for myself even though iut’s posted on a huge big old website
I’m sweating the candles and wine must be getting to me I’m happy, but here’s my deal I feel like I’m a failure, I’m neglecting all of my responsibilities, I’m burnt out, and I’m attracted to people that I cannot have. IO can’t have the seduction project because he’s seeing someone else and I’m not even sure if he’s interested in me. I can’t have Sean because he’s incapable of having a relationship ion the terms that will be benefeicial to both of us on a long term basis and I’m uncomfortable talking to him because I feel like I’ve ruined him, even though I haven’t. I just feel like he gave me too much power over him and I betrayed him by breaking it off I’m surprised I still think about that as a hurtful thing when it happeed like 4 months ago. I love the boy but goddamn, love isn’t enough, it should be unconditional and non posseives
The world would be so much easier if possessiveness did not exist
Ladies and gentleman I think we’ve hit drunk bottom
Anyway, I think this is page 3 and I’m wondering where I should go from here, this seems like it will actually be a good msap of how my mind works as this is the way I think and I think this is the way everyone thinks go go go go go gog o andf then bam! You’re on to another subject and as the keys are spelliong out the worlsda I’m already thinking of another subject I swear to hopd normally I’m a much better typer than this but I’m trying to move as fast as my thoughts and in addition my fingers aren’t as nimble as they nromamlly asre because I’m veere been drinking now what the fuck was that supposed to mean
I wonder if reading thisa in a few years I’ll wonder if I was stupid or not. I think progressive,ly I’ve always looked at my past self as a loser and udmbass Especially my time with Brian, I hater to say it because it’s not like what I want to achieve, but Brian is ABSOLUTELY BENEATH ME. Why did I even go ther,e ugh.
I wonder if my stream of consciousness is marred even by the mention of him, I have nothing but disgust for him, even though I’ve forgiven him and moved on with my life
Gary brought up an interesting point, I beleivee I’m in control of my body and then I say that I’m only in a funk because my chemicals are off an imbalanced. I’m a hypocrite
Screaming does mean something when you’re alone and no one can hear you
And all I know is that the world looks much better through blood red lenses