A night of celebration and being alone...

[zenkevin666]

Last night was to be a night of celebration...

Honors with classmates and instructors..

I got recognized twice...

Had one of my best friends at my side..

Room full of people..

Why did I feel so alone?

I felt like it was all fluff, everyone patting each other on the back, telling each other how great they were...

Without seeing the corruption and contempt

Comments

[doomgirl]

I'm so sorry that you felt that way. I can't imagine why you would. You've gone so far and accomplished so much. You should be so incredibly proud of yourself.

If you wish to be blind so you can't see ugliness...it keeps you from seeing beauty too. It's not worth it.

*hugs*

[zenkevin666]

Thank you sweetheart for the kind words.

But I wonder if there is any beauty in the world anymore...

I just so hate fake people..

makes me not trust anyone, for fear of getting used and crushed..

Which makes me more lonely..

At TWU, I am in that age group where I am too old to hang with the young kids, but to young to be treated has an equal by faculty. And with almost everyone at TWU being girls, I can't hang with that cause I am married.
So I just do school work, each lunch, work pat-time and wear the mask so no one realize how crappy I feel inside..

Everyone loves a big, cheerful black guy right?

:/

[doomgirl]

You've got to stop being so down about this! You are not there for popularity contests, beauty contests or any of that other stupid bullshit. It's not high school. You just have to be there to get what you need in order to go where you want to go. Away from there you have a whole life. Friends, family, wife, etc.

That's just a place you go to some stuff you need. Like the grocery store.

I think you need to spend more time with friends on the weekends! Dok and I are available for playtime!

Of course there is beauty in the world. *bats eyelashes* Haha! Kidding...seriously, though - you need to come out of hiding and see what's around you for a while. The world is way bigger than what you're seeing right now. TWU is a means to an end...not the world.

[zenkevin666]

I wish I could go out on weekends,

But my PT job has me working all weekends..

Unlike the rest of the world, my days off work are on Monday and Tuesday...and those are the days I have school...

I don't get any 'days off" anymore..at least not any time in the near future..

Oh well...how does the old saying go again?

:"You rest when you are dead...."

:)

[sunshine_mama]

congratulations on being recognized. Sadly, the corruption and contempt is what society keeps heading forward. We wish a brighter future for our children, but I wonder if we'll ever get there.

Good people help make it possible for me to imagine that one day, we will get there, one day.

So just keep helping. :)

[zenkevin666]

that's the reason I am getting my BS degrees, then my MA then my PhD in Pol Science and then getting the hell out of this place..

NZ is wonderful this time of year..

Maybe in a place where I am not known, I can become someone else..someone better..

[zenkevin666]

No reason to be proud of me...

I didn't do anything but hide and do my work, trying to warn people along the way (most didn't listen). Anyone else could have done it..

I just feel like I am doing it for...nothing....

I wanted to be a teacher...I still do..only thing I feel comfortable doing is explain to others the problems both with myself and the world.

Maybe the reason I feel so down on myself is because I feel that I deserve the problems in this world...like in some way, it is my fault.

If I had tried harder..
If I had been more upfront..
If I had spoken up..
If I had just quit fighting...
If when I was suppose to die I had just done it..

Maybe the world would have been a bit of a better place...

[zenkevin666]

thank you...

:)