now i can try to casually enjoy the graduation

May 02, 2008 22:12


So, I was thinking on the pot that I'm not being invited by any of my friends to join them for graduation events like family "get together"s/lunches and whatnot. This bothered me quite a bit. 2 years ago the thought of this would have left me devastated and depressed for weeks, but devastated I am not.

I have not been invited because I have not been a part of their lives for the past semester (or maybe even "year").

B - U - T
This is good. The thought of not being invited sucks, especially when your friends are the ones not doing the inviting (and it does bite a bit. I did invite Luke and Dana with me and my family out to lunch and would have thought it pretty common. Though MY kind of neediness is not very common).

But instead of being happy only because my friends like me/ love me/ praise me, I am happy because I've decided for myself who I wanted to spend my time with. I care about my friends but I also have a tendency to force myself to be with people whom... lets say "I don't mesh with most of the time", merely because I feel lonely. I'm not being invited because I wasn't there and I wasn't there because I didn't want to be. Being where I want to be when I want to be there... THAT feels good. It feels a lot better than forcing myself to be with friends out of loneliness or in hopes that their attention will give me the love and affection I want/need.

(Note: Its a lot better because the love and affection I need I get from doing whatever the hell it is I want to do. I've figured this part out in the past year or so but I like to see that its working and it happens when I don't plan for it or expect it. It is like I am doing things with the hopes that they'll turn out well and then they turn out well.)

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