The Man Who Would, a Doctor Who fanfiction
Title: The Man Who Would
Characters/Pairing: Doctor/Master, ?/Master
Rating: PG-13 Warning: implied mind-control.
Genre: General, Angst
Disclaimer: Not mine, honestly
Summary: Someone has to tell the Doctor something and it is nothing nice. Monologue only story.
Author's Note: To be honest, I am not sure what to warn for and how to rate it or which genre this fanfiction really is, because personally I think the story is going into pretty dark places at times.
Special thanks to my beta: aralias !
The Man Who Would
He once told you - oh, a very, very long time ago - that he knew you'd never chose him first. He knew that everyone else came before him for you, that you’d never loved him and never would and that he hated you for it.
He told you that and kissed you softly, with broken eyes that told you he loved you.
You didn't respond, you didn't stop him when he walks away, you didn't tell him he is wrong.
You couldn't.
If you could you would tell him the truth. Tell him that you would choose him over the whole universe, that your feelings for him scare you more than anything else, because you know where they could lead you, what they could make you do.
You would imprison him, so no one else could ever touch him, see him, hurt him, because he is yours, yours alone. You would blow up Gallifrey for him, if you thought it might make him smile. You would make the entire universe burn, just so that he could never leave you, because there would be no other place he could go. You'd do all that for him, because of him, you saw that much in the timelines.
You just never would.
So you stay silent and try to forget what he means to you and that you love him more than is healthy for both of you.
You love him too much and so you run and hide your feelings until you forget you have them and every time they seem to resurface you bury them (and sometimes him) again and run anew.
It is a pity you can never really escape him, that he just won't let you forget him.
He is the boy who rescued you from the silence and the loneliness, the only one who looked at you with smiling eyes. He was the first one to tell you that you are clever, beautiful, special, brilliant, wonderful, fantastic - that you are good and you soaked in every word and believed him, because you are all that, but only because of him, because he makes you that.
When you burn your planet, when you extinguish your own race and the Daleks, you do it for the sake of the universe. You tell yourself that anyway, but deep down this ugly feeling of revenge runs through you. You blame them for killing him, for letting him die, for making you kill him, for being alive when he isn't, for taking his place as your worst enemy, when none of them has the right. When he asks you how it felt, you can't tell him how satisfying it was to see them all burn, to make them burn.
You absorb the time vortex and become a vengeful god, not for the universe, but for him again. Afterwards you are so broken you forget why you burned everyone. And then you meet a girl, a sweet, ordinary human girl.
She takes your hand and saves your life and makes you smile and for the first time in so long you feel happy. She rescues you from the darkness and the loneliness. When you find that you love her, when you see what you would do for her, you leave her behind in another world and turn away and run. Because you love her just a little bit too much and it brings back memories you wanted to forget. Memories of a boy you love even more than her.
You forget again and you don't dare to look back.
When you are told you are not alone you try not to believe it, but you know, oh you know, and you don't dare to hope that you are right, because that would be too much.
When Martha tells you about Yana's fobwatch, you know who he is, must be. Him, always him, because he is the only one you can't escape, can't leave behind.
It is him and your hearts beat faster than they have in a very long time and you feel breathless and so, so alive. When he demands you call him by his name, you obey. His name is nothing more than a dry whisper on your lips. You can't bring yourself to say it louder, because it would make the situation even more real than it already is. Even this whisper is enough to make your knees go weak and you almost sink to the ground. You beg him to stay, but he leaves you, and you deserve it, because before it was always you who left before.
The next time you hear his voice, the next time you use his name, you discover how unbalanced he is, how insane he has become, haunted by the drums of war. You believe they've been there ever since he looked into the Untempered Schism. Oh, how wrong you are.
For the sake of your friends, you spin a tale about how you will stop him. You don't and you don't really care, because all you want is to surrender to him, let him keep you.
Even in his madness he is still brilliant, more so than everyone else you have ever met. Like a pulsar, he emits blinding light and deepest darkness and you are drawn in again and you kneel before him without shame, because he deserves to be worshipped.
It seems that his insanity and childlike cruelty know no bounds this incarnation, and that actually frightens you, because you might lose him. You are also afraid of sweet, mad Lucy, because she seems to understand him better than you do. How much you hate her becomes one of your deepest secrets, so does the act of breaking her mind, until she is of no use to him.
What do monsters fear, the girl in the fireplace once asked you, and you answered her truthfully. They fear you. You don't tell her why. You are a greater monster than all of them, hiding under the skin of a saviour. No one else sees it, but in the moment when you hold him in your arms and beg him to regenerate, you know he sees it. Sees what you might do to him, what you might do for him. He saw the Toclafane for what they were and he embraced them, but you, you he escapes from, because you are his greatest nightmare, his worst monster, because you won't let him go, let him escape the darkness.
You always do the right thing. Right after your own definition, of course. You kill your own race and you leave behind those who love you most, because it was the right thing to do. Because you wanted to protect them, because they changed, because it is for the best. Whose best? Theirs or yours? Or neither of you? You both always, always hurt so much. You've hurt him, hurt your own granddaughter, hurt Rose, because it was for the best and look where it got them. He is insane and murderous, Susan is dead like the rest of your people and Rose has become a soldier, a weapon, for you.
Do you remember their smiles? The carefree, slightly mischievous smile of your best friend? The bright and dreamy smile of your youngest grandchild? The wide and innocent smile of the shopgirl? Do you remember them? Oh, you do, don't you? But you forget why they changed.
They changed because of you, because you ran, because you left them behind.
I never left her behind, I didn't leave her side when she was dying slowly in her hospital bed, having been shot by an alien invader. I didn't leave our child, yes, Doctor, our child, our sweet daughter, I watched her grow up, guided her and when she was ready to leave, I let her go, but I never abandoned her, never left her behind, on a Dalek infested world. I had to watch her die too, because you were wrong! I may not be able to regenerate, but one life of a Time Lord is still longer than that of an ordinary human and I used it. I did all the things you always were so afraid to do. I had everything you ever wanted. That is almost everything.
I know how this story goes, I know what is going to happen to me, because you've already lived it. I know what I have to do to take the last thing you ever wanted and never dared to have. All I have to do is break that feeble time lock you imposed on the Time War and Gallifrey, oh yes I know how to do it, I will dare, and then my dear Doctor, and then, I just have to leave a bit of myself inside the Matrix, just a bit, just enough to get into the Master's mind, and his hearts. How? Did I mention the drums already? You know, they weren't always there...
I will have him, and you, you will be left with nothing.
Watch as I take everything from you, watch and cry, if you still can.
You told Rose once I am you, and, in a way, I am. But there is one difference between us.
You, with your twisted morality, you never would.
But I? I would.
And I will.
END
Characters/Pairing: Doctor/Master, ?/Master
Rating: PG-13 Warning: implied mind-control.
Genre: General, Angst
Disclaimer: Not mine, honestly
Summary: Someone has to tell the Doctor something and it is nothing nice. Monologue only story.
Author's Note: To be honest, I am not sure what to warn for and how to rate it or which genre this fanfiction really is, because personally I think the story is going into pretty dark places at times.
Special thanks to my beta: aralias !
The Man Who Would
He once told you - oh, a very, very long time ago - that he knew you'd never chose him first. He knew that everyone else came before him for you, that you’d never loved him and never would and that he hated you for it.
He told you that and kissed you softly, with broken eyes that told you he loved you.
You didn't respond, you didn't stop him when he walks away, you didn't tell him he is wrong.
You couldn't.
If you could you would tell him the truth. Tell him that you would choose him over the whole universe, that your feelings for him scare you more than anything else, because you know where they could lead you, what they could make you do.
You would imprison him, so no one else could ever touch him, see him, hurt him, because he is yours, yours alone. You would blow up Gallifrey for him, if you thought it might make him smile. You would make the entire universe burn, just so that he could never leave you, because there would be no other place he could go. You'd do all that for him, because of him, you saw that much in the timelines.
You just never would.
So you stay silent and try to forget what he means to you and that you love him more than is healthy for both of you.
You love him too much and so you run and hide your feelings until you forget you have them and every time they seem to resurface you bury them (and sometimes him) again and run anew.
It is a pity you can never really escape him, that he just won't let you forget him.
He is the boy who rescued you from the silence and the loneliness, the only one who looked at you with smiling eyes. He was the first one to tell you that you are clever, beautiful, special, brilliant, wonderful, fantastic - that you are good and you soaked in every word and believed him, because you are all that, but only because of him, because he makes you that.
When you burn your planet, when you extinguish your own race and the Daleks, you do it for the sake of the universe. You tell yourself that anyway, but deep down this ugly feeling of revenge runs through you. You blame them for killing him, for letting him die, for making you kill him, for being alive when he isn't, for taking his place as your worst enemy, when none of them has the right. When he asks you how it felt, you can't tell him how satisfying it was to see them all burn, to make them burn.
You absorb the time vortex and become a vengeful god, not for the universe, but for him again. Afterwards you are so broken you forget why you burned everyone. And then you meet a girl, a sweet, ordinary human girl.
She takes your hand and saves your life and makes you smile and for the first time in so long you feel happy. She rescues you from the darkness and the loneliness. When you find that you love her, when you see what you would do for her, you leave her behind in another world and turn away and run. Because you love her just a little bit too much and it brings back memories you wanted to forget. Memories of a boy you love even more than her.
You forget again and you don't dare to look back.
When you are told you are not alone you try not to believe it, but you know, oh you know, and you don't dare to hope that you are right, because that would be too much.
When Martha tells you about Yana's fobwatch, you know who he is, must be. Him, always him, because he is the only one you can't escape, can't leave behind.
It is him and your hearts beat faster than they have in a very long time and you feel breathless and so, so alive. When he demands you call him by his name, you obey. His name is nothing more than a dry whisper on your lips. You can't bring yourself to say it louder, because it would make the situation even more real than it already is. Even this whisper is enough to make your knees go weak and you almost sink to the ground. You beg him to stay, but he leaves you, and you deserve it, because before it was always you who left before.
The next time you hear his voice, the next time you use his name, you discover how unbalanced he is, how insane he has become, haunted by the drums of war. You believe they've been there ever since he looked into the Untempered Schism. Oh, how wrong you are.
For the sake of your friends, you spin a tale about how you will stop him. You don't and you don't really care, because all you want is to surrender to him, let him keep you.
Even in his madness he is still brilliant, more so than everyone else you have ever met. Like a pulsar, he emits blinding light and deepest darkness and you are drawn in again and you kneel before him without shame, because he deserves to be worshipped.
It seems that his insanity and childlike cruelty know no bounds this incarnation, and that actually frightens you, because you might lose him. You are also afraid of sweet, mad Lucy, because she seems to understand him better than you do. How much you hate her becomes one of your deepest secrets, so does the act of breaking her mind, until she is of no use to him.
What do monsters fear, the girl in the fireplace once asked you, and you answered her truthfully. They fear you. You don't tell her why. You are a greater monster than all of them, hiding under the skin of a saviour. No one else sees it, but in the moment when you hold him in your arms and beg him to regenerate, you know he sees it. Sees what you might do to him, what you might do for him. He saw the Toclafane for what they were and he embraced them, but you, you he escapes from, because you are his greatest nightmare, his worst monster, because you won't let him go, let him escape the darkness.
You always do the right thing. Right after your own definition, of course. You kill your own race and you leave behind those who love you most, because it was the right thing to do. Because you wanted to protect them, because they changed, because it is for the best. Whose best? Theirs or yours? Or neither of you? You both always, always hurt so much. You've hurt him, hurt your own granddaughter, hurt Rose, because it was for the best and look where it got them. He is insane and murderous, Susan is dead like the rest of your people and Rose has become a soldier, a weapon, for you.
Do you remember their smiles? The carefree, slightly mischievous smile of your best friend? The bright and dreamy smile of your youngest grandchild? The wide and innocent smile of the shopgirl? Do you remember them? Oh, you do, don't you? But you forget why they changed.
They changed because of you, because you ran, because you left them behind.
I never left her behind, I didn't leave her side when she was dying slowly in her hospital bed, having been shot by an alien invader. I didn't leave our child, yes, Doctor, our child, our sweet daughter, I watched her grow up, guided her and when she was ready to leave, I let her go, but I never abandoned her, never left her behind, on a Dalek infested world. I had to watch her die too, because you were wrong! I may not be able to regenerate, but one life of a Time Lord is still longer than that of an ordinary human and I used it. I did all the things you always were so afraid to do. I had everything you ever wanted. That is almost everything.
I know how this story goes, I know what is going to happen to me, because you've already lived it. I know what I have to do to take the last thing you ever wanted and never dared to have. All I have to do is break that feeble time lock you imposed on the Time War and Gallifrey, oh yes I know how to do it, I will dare, and then my dear Doctor, and then, I just have to leave a bit of myself inside the Matrix, just a bit, just enough to get into the Master's mind, and his hearts. How? Did I mention the drums already? You know, they weren't always there...
I will have him, and you, you will be left with nothing.
Watch as I take everything from you, watch and cry, if you still can.
You told Rose once I am you, and, in a way, I am. But there is one difference between us.
You, with your twisted morality, you never would.
But I? I would.
And I will.
END