3x02: Misbegotten (2/2)
Lantis! Conference Room of Squee! We start with a close-up of Lizzeh's beaming face. AWWWW. MamaBear! She starts off with a cheesy joke, which is always good, and she can't stop smiling, omg! Across from her, Team Sheppard beams back. Because he's the only other really important person in the room, Shep is situated closest to Lizzeh, and he cannot stop looking at her! This would be the verbal equivalent of that hug she threw at Shep in the last season premiere. This time, Shep is way more prepared, and he's got this smile… this really adorable little half-smile that starts up around his eyes and then slowly lights up the rest of his face. You know, the one we've only really seen him give to Lizzeh. As she speaks, Lizzeh's eyes travel across the group, but they land (and stay fixed!) on Shep. He returns and holds her gaze. Now that the Eyefuck of MamaBear and PapaBear has commenced, she takes the opportunity to show some emotion: "I just have to say, that seeing you now, sitting across from me... looking at your faces... It makes me feel very..." Her voice breaks, of course, because the woman thought she had lost Shep. Again. It's no surprise that Shep, who shares the same telepathic bond as Lizzeh ever since "Hot Zone," immediately saves her from having to say any more. "You don't have to say it," he assures her, because HE ALREADY KNOWS. Because HE FEELS THE SAME WAY. Teyla backs him up at once -- for Teyla is perceptive and knows all about Shep and Lizzeh's storage closet in the southwest tower -- and echoes that it is unnecessary for Lizzeh to complete her thought. As Rodneh offers a food joke to deflect the sudden gravity of their reunion, Shep and Lizzeh eyefuck some more. Oh, eyefucking; how I've missed thee during these few months of hiatus.
Now that MamaBear and PapaBear have completed their I'm Okay/You're Okay Eyefuck and checked to make sure that the Little Bears are healthy and fine, Lizzeh segues straight into business because that's what she's most comfortable with in such a public forum. She refers to a scene we did not get to see, namely Teyla's first attempt at flying the Hive ship. Teyla: "It taxed my brain, omg." Ronon: *sits looking amused while eyefucking the back of Teyla's head* Rodney: "And that was only in a straight line. Forget about all the cool maneuvers." So Shep wonders exactly how many maneuvers Rodney expects to pull off with the manual interface, wheneverthefuck they get that to work.
Okay, not to create a tangent, but I totally am. Shep sitting so casually slumped in his chair is hot. Also, his jacket is open and the Black Shirt of Yum is rippling deliciously over his body, just teasing us with a hint of what's underneath and... yeah. End tangent.
Anyway, Rodney's all, "Does standing still count as a maneuver?" with a smugness that shouldn't be there. Shep stares at him, and with the appropriate comedic pause: "... no." Lizzeh merely smiles the gorgeous MamaBear smile, because not only is it good to be back on Atlantis, reunited with Shep and his team, but because she really missed the banter between her boys. Of course, at that moment, Woolsey decides to interrupt the fun and games. He mentions interviewing other expedition members, but Shep perks up, warily, wondering who the fuck he is. Making the introductions, Lizzeh informs them that Woolsey will be conducting individual interviews with all of them. Ronon: *stares, confused* Teyla: *Head Tilt of WTF* Then she tries to make eye contact with Ronon, but Ronon's too busy staring zombie-eyed at the new guy, thinking "WTF. These Earthlings are on crack."
Woolsey pushes a chair up next to Lizzeh, who doesn't hesitate to not only scoot closer to Shep's end of the table, but to also physically shift all her things along with her. Heh. She smiles the Grin and Bear It half-grimace of a smile as Woolsey asks for an update on what he's missed so far. Because he's a man who never fails to take advantage of any opportunity to screw with Rodney's head, Shep offers him up as a victim. "Rodney," he starts, giving the Genius a thumb's up, "was about to run down on all the progress he's made adapting the Hive controls." Rodney: *mental flail of Omg, You Suck, Sheppard* Shep: *Big Huge Grin of Yum* Lizzeh: *doesn't meet anyone's eyes because she's busy trying not to laugh* Hee. Oh, Shep, you're so EVIL, and it's DELICIOUS. Lizzeh thinks so, too! Woolsey obviously doesn't get the joke and encourages Rodney to continue. Put on the spot, Rodney can only sarcastically thank Shep for the chance to embarrass himself. Shep nods and grins, entirely too pleased with himself, and executes a perfect tiny Lip Lick of Yum. He turns back to face in the general direction of Woolsey and Lizzeh, but since he immediately schools his face into an expression of innocence, I don't think I'm going too far out on a limb to suppose that MamaBear is giving him a tsking look off-camera. Yes. Because it is a logical conclusion, kthxbye.
Camp No One Saw This Coming Except WE ALL DID. Dr. Balls of Steel -- that would be Beckett -- climbs the rocky terrain where they found Lathan's body. In the middle of the night. Alone. Because he's just a bit awesome. Morrison, that poor double whammy Redshirt, anxiously radios him because if he loses the doc, Shep will kill him if this predictable script doesn't kill him first. Beckett informs his security team that he's scouting the ridge and... oh oh. Morrison and other redshirts skip into a quiet corner where they cannot be overheard by all those creepy albinos in white. Off Morrison's questioning, Beckett explains that Lathan must have died prior to being pushed off the ridge since there is a distinct lack of blood in the area. Not to be a nitpicker, but wasn't the fact that his white jumpsuit was pretty much spotless also a good visual indication of DOOM? There's more exposition about post-mortem accident-faking blah blah blah, which would be bad because NOW THERE IS A KILLER IN THE CAMP, OHNOES. Beckett is commanded to get his ass back to camp, not that it'll help since there's like a 200 to 5 ratio of Evil versus Totally Fucked there. Still, he agrees, and as he climbs back up the ridge, we get…BOXERS PEEKAGE. Omg, was it? It's been so long since I've seen ANY kind of peekage on this show -- ever since those hateful wardrobe people gave Shep a functional belt AND pants that fit -- that I don't even remember what a Boxers Peekage Shot looks like anymore. Anyway, I'm calling it one, so there. More importantly, however -- at least to the plot movement anyway -- Merrick (or someone else; who cares?) is situated around the tent in a location ideal for maximum eavesdropping. Dun dun DUN!
Interrogation 101: How to Piss Off a Military Commander Without Really Trying. Because this scene is ripe for discussion about morals and ethics (which should be taken to a medium other than here), we're obviously going to skip right over all that. Woolsey questions their decision to open the Community of Assisted Living for De-Wraiths. With his I Am Commander voice firmly in place, Shep over-simplifies the entire situation: "We did. What we had. To do. To survive." Yes, with the inserted periods. Like a no-nonsense principal talking down to a troublemaking student, Woolsey returns just as simply: "I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time." He begins scribbling notes onto his pad, and Shep, who obviously doesn't trust him, is all, "Zomg, wtf could he be writing" and tries to lean over the table while angling his head in an attempt to decipher the scribbles. HEE. When Woolsey puts forth the question of whether they'd ever integrate the Elf Men into Atlantean society, Shep's all, "Are you on crack?" but reluctantly admits that the answer would be a "no." Before Woolsey can ask another one of those annoying Thinking Questions of Whoa, Shep snaps, "What do you want me to say?" He adds very firmly that he "supported Elizabeth's decision to form an alliance" and her decision to put all the Elf Men on the planet. Except poor Joe Flanigan with his bit of lisp ends up struggling with all the damn "ess" sounds in those two silly little sentences...and it's fifty million kinds of endearing. Shep stumbles over referencing the Elf Men as "people," and Woolsey busts him on it, insisting it's a direct indication of his true level of support and commitment to Lizzeh's decisions. As a shipper, I'm just squeeing at Shep defending Lizzeh to other people. Lalala. The scene ends before Shep can give him the stinkeye.
Poll
Planet Looking for a Plot. Beckett, still out for his evening stroll of discovery and doom, eyes Merrick sneaking through the Forests of Vancouver. Not that it was hard, seeing how the guy stands out so much in his White Jumpsuit of Wrinkle-free and No Stain Doom that they could probably eyeball him from the Hive ship orbiting in space. With his Balls of Steel face on, Beckett trails after him. Oh, Beckett. Sometimes you make me so happy with your curious sense of adventure and your complete lack of self-preservation. While Beckett gets some unexpected exercise...
Shep strolls into Lizzeh's office. Skipping a greeting, he delves straight into the question weighing on his mind. "Just out of political curiousity, how much trouble is it going to cause you if I knock this Woolsey guy in the head?" HEE! Lizzeh's taken aback, but amused, and asks why he would do something like that. He answers, all growly and sexy-like: "It's just an impulse I had, and one I suspect I'm gonna have the next time I see him." His voice goes all deep and loud and commanding and DEAR GOD, someone bring me a new pair of panties. After glancing over his shoulder to make sure the object of his ire isn't standing behind him, he adds, "He may not even have to say anything." RAWR! Chivalry isn't dead! It merely moved to Antarctica for eleven months, then relocated to the Pegasus Galaxy. Oh god. I'm really trying to keep the shipper in me at low boil, but these two are making it really hard to think in an objective manner. Not to mention -- and I totally was NOT looking for it -- this episode marks the third season return of both the boxer peekage shots and now the Shep!pants. Hey, I merely observe; it's up to you to interpret the data according to your own protocols and thought processes.
Elizabeth stares at him, smiling at the unexpectedness of this Exhibition of Manly Manliness, and with eyes twinkling, undresses him with her eyes and reigns in the urge to jump him and rip his clothes off. I'm only guessing. That's what I would have done. She's all, "I've never seen you like this," and she sounds like she enjoys it. I know I do. She asks what Woolsey said to make him react in such a way, and I'm convinced -- CONVINCED -- the only reason she keeps her hands clasped demurely on top of her desk is so she can quell the urge to do the aforementioned clothes-ripping. Shep gives her a look: "Besides judging every damn decision you've ever made?" with an expression of "duh, like he needed to do anything else?" Then Lizzeh, all coy and flirty and AWESOME, remarks with feigned shock: "John Sheppard, are you defending my honor?" But she looks pleased as punch, and WHO WOULDN'T? Seriously, what woman wouldn't have her panties melt at the sight and sound of Shep dipping into his testosterone reserves just to get all indignant on your behalf? Name one. I dare you. (Actually, don't bother, because knowing there are people out there like that would make me cry.) Shep flounders at her teasing, staring at her with his mouth open, doing the mental flail of "OMG WHAT DO I DO NOW?" SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE! *FLAIL* He recovers quickly, blatantly changing the subject to focus on Woolsey's affront to him. "And judging me for agreeing with you," he says, hastily. But we don't care because HE WAS TOTALLY DEFENDING HER HONOR. Seriously, that's the best line ever. Why? Because he didn't even bother to deny it! Now she can tease him about it ALL THE TIME.
Shep: "I can't believe Rodney just snarked at you."
Lizzeh: "You should go defend my honor."
Shep: "Did that alien king just make a pass at you?"
Lizzeh: "Why? Are you going to defend my honor?"
Shep: "Maybe we should get you back to Atlantis before the natives get restless and try to kill us all."
Lizzeh: "Wouldn't you rather be defending my honor?"
Now that Shep's changed the subject, Lizzeh gives him the "darn, I kinda wanted to keep flirting, but fine, we'll keep the plot moving instead" headshake and suggests that Shep not be too hard on Woolsey -- compared to all the other bastards and acronyms TPTB are willing to throw at them, the poor sad man is harmless and might even be on their side. "In fact, he might even convince the others to leave us alone," she reveals. Oh. So Woolsey knows about the Sparky, too? Interesting. *LAS* Somewhat mollified and with his passion for defending Lizzeh all expended, Shep sits his ass down in his usual chair, though let's be honest, as a shipper, I would gladly move his butt back into the ass groove he's created on Lizzeh's desk. Not to say that he doesn't look sexy draped across the chair, what with the casual one-sided slouching, but have we ever seen Shep sit correctly in a chair before? His mother (who is either dead or alive or sick, according to fandom, anyway) would surely have a stroke seeing him like that. "So… no head knocking," he agrees, sounding rather disappointed. But hey, only Lizzeh would have been able to talk him out of it anyway. With the CUTEST SCRUNCHY FACE LOOK EVER and the CUTEST FLIRTY SMILE EVER, Lizzeh teases: "It's the thought that counts." And OMG I HAVE DIED OF SQUEE! Not that I've watched this scene that many times before (I have), but I love that Shep even nods in agreement to this. And then they went to bed and had the hot, flirty, defending my honor sex. RAWRRRRR! It's impossible not to ship Shep/Lizzeh when TPTB keep stringing us along with scenes like THAT. Okay, you know what this calls for: looping. Be right back.
Elsewhere in a less squeeful scene, Beckett continues following Merrick through the woods. From his position behind a tree, he watches in nervous fascination as Mikey's new band, The Lifesuckers, stand around a bonfire with their hands raised to heaven, practicing their one-hit wonder, Ode to Gregorian Chants. Triggering his radio, Beckett whispers for our Redshirt of the Week. It should come as no surprise that no reply is forthcoming. Sensing the danger of his situation, Beckett immediately begins backing away. And runs straight into a half-reverted Mikey! For all those who didn't see this coming, please spank yourself and then sit in the corner until the next episode recap goes live, kthx. Mikey: "Mmm... Redshirt and his men tasted good." Beckett, wide-eyed and gulping: "Crap." As Mikey leads Beckett through the woods back to Camp Lacking an Original Storyline, Beckett attempts to convince him that he's sick and in need of the cure. For some lame reason, Mikey is toddling along a la Frankenstein. Um… yeah, stop that, because it's really distracting, and now I can't stop laughing. Like all Evil Men of Doom, Mikey flips the situation so Beckett is the bad guy, reminding him that he himself trusted the Atlanteans twice now and got royally screwed over both times; betrayal, apparently, is a bitch. Sure, when he puts it that way, he has a point. That doesn't mean someone shouldn't just put him out of his misery and nuke the fuck out of him and his converts. Like all villains, Mikey feels the need to expound on his reasons for perfectly executed Timeline of Doom. Apparently, he had to wait until Shep left with the majority of the military extras before they could set their plan in motion. Beckett wonders WTF is the point since there's no way of escape. Mikey only pfffts at this.
In the Atlantis control room, Rodney enters his daily LJ entry. He stops, all, "WTF" as Lizzeh and Shep come running out together from their storage room, er, her office, most likely. Can you blame me? After that last office scene, the most logical progression would have been to Anywhere Where Shep/Lizzeh Sex Can Occur. Besides, Lizzeh's shirt is zipped ALL THE WAY UP, which can only have one explanation: hickey hiding! Rodney announces that long range sensors picked up the presence of a Hive ship, but it doesn't make any sense because instead of heading toward Atlantis, it's on a direct course to Camp OhCrapWeKnewThatStupidCureWouldn'tWork. As the Music of Doom cues up, Lizzeh's all, "Zomg!" Shep's all, "ZomgWTFElf!" Pooh's all, "Shep and Lizzeh proximity alert, WHEE!" But then Lizzeh and Shep eyefuck each other while doing the Simultaneous Lip Lick of Yum. See? They're always mirroring each other now! SQUEE. The scene fades out on the two of them standing practically on top of each other with their similar Expressions of Oh Noes. My ship is so pretty; it's disgusting how hot they are.
Back from commercial break, we enter the Conference Room of Oh Noes mid-briefing. Rodney gripes that without a Gate or evidence of a past human population on the Camp WraithBGone planet, there's absolutely no reason for the Wraith to be interested in it. Unless, Woolsey points out, there is a leak, omg. We've been there, done that before, haven't we? "You mean a spy," Ronon decodes, so very unhelpfully. Woolsey thinks the leak might be in one of the indigenous populations and gives Teyla a pointed look. Of course, she responds automatically, all, "RAR. Just because my people are dirty and stinky, does not mean they go around blabbing their mouths off." Or something. Quite frankly, I'm staring at the Shep!Pants. Ever the diplomat, Lizzeh nips everything in the bud before a potential Teyla/Woolsey smackdown can occur. "Let's not jump to conclusions," she warns. After all, she interviewed all the Athosians in Season One, and came to the conclusion that they were nothing more than harmless Dirty People in need of baths. Apparently uninterested in making friends with Teyla's people, Woolsey mentions the possibility of human Wraith worshippers infiltrating the ranks of their allied groups. Teyla glances at Shep, all, "Can I hit him now?" Shep returns the look, all, "Tried that. Lizzeh put the kibosh on that one, too."
Meanwhile, Lizzeh starts rolling her eyes and sighing exasperatedly, wondering if she made a mistake in stopping Shep from the promised head-knocking. "Jackass, do you think we post our Secret Shit of Awesome on the city bulletin board? And then create newsletters and mail those out to all our allies?" Shep backs her up reflexively, pointing out that the Wraith would be on their way to blow the crap out of Atlantis itself if they knew anything instead of on their way to cull a planet with the Pegasus Galaxy's tiniest population. This time, he does not stutter over referring to the Elf Men as people. Lizzeh continues, "We need to focus on getting those people out of there, because if the Wraith find them and figure out what they are..." She glances at Shep and he is all too happy to complete her thought (they're finishing each other's sentences, omg!): "...we've got a problem. Again." Hee. Ronon asks the most important question, which is how long they have before they're totally screwed. According to Rodney's calculations, two days. According to MY calculations, fifteen minutes. Their fastest means of transportation, however, is the Daedalus, and Hermiod still needs a day to finish fixing the hyperdrives. In a line that makes me wonder exactly what he's been staring at to have the ability to describe it so accurately, Shep quips a "We should light a fire under his bony little--" Because Lizzeh is not only wearing a MATCHING ZIPPED SHIRT as Shep (god, they're even dressing like an old married couple), she knows exactly where he's going with that and cuts him off, assuring him that it still wouldn't be good enough. That's not what Shep wanted to hear, but he accepts it only because TPTB has given them a lame Hive ship and now they need to find a way to get rid of it. Rodney woes that taking the Hive would be cutting it really close, and their chances of surviving an actual ship to ship encounter is "less than slim." Seeing how TPTB need to get rid of that monstrosity now, I'm betting that's exactly the odds they want. Lizzeh looks over at Shep, and when he finally meets her eyes to complete the Eyefuck of Command, she gives him the go ahead.
Camp Boredom. Mikey has Beckett all tied down. [Insert your own Slashy McSlashisms here.] Beckett keeps Mikey occupied by asking questions about the effects of his Wraith B-Gone juice. Only a handful have reverted back to their former selves, and Mikey's planning on offering all the ones who haven't turned back as a present to the approaching Hive. There's a lot of back and forth that I don't really care about, all of which can be simplified into Good vs. Evil. Finally, Beckett angrily demands to know why Mikey needs him at all. The answer: Mikey needs to pick at Beckett's brain in order to figure out what secondary security measures were left behind by Shep. Obviously, Mikey's got trust issues he needs to work through. Beckett: "Er, what?" Mikey: "Shep is the real evil one! I know he wouldn't have left you here with a few stupid redshirts!" Beckett: "There's no fucking gate, dumbass." Mikey: "Don't lie to me again. I can't take any more of your lies." Beckett: "I'm a doctor. You think Shep would trust me with that information?" Realizing this method will take forever, Mikey "rar"s at him but Beckett, knowing he's dead anyway, puts up a brave front and refuses to squeal. Then, to save time, Mikey rapes his brain for the information. I'd give a better description of the scene, but I'll be honest -- all the non-Shep, non-Lizzeh, and non-Shep/Lizzeh scenes are boring the fuck out of me so I'm skipping ahead while I can.
[Lucky bastards! LJ refuses to let me add the Death is Not an Option poll here. Just know, the choices were 1) Ronon/Michael and 2) Beckett/Michael. *evil laugh*]
Somewhere in a hyperspace tunnel, Team Sheppard are traversing the galaxy in their stolen ship. As their only owner of a Wraith gene, Teyla has the lucky assignment of flying the damn thing. Reminiscent of the I'm Creeped Out By The Naked Alien look he directed at Hermiod the first time he met the snarky little Asgard, Shep pauses to stare at Teyla before passing her, giving her a wide berth. Heh. He asks for a systems update from McKay, who reports that weapons are a go even if they won't be able to actually direct them at any specific targets. This does not please Shep in the least. It seems that power consumption to maintain their speeds may make it impossible to put up a good fight later on. "We're going this fast to avoid fighting," Shep reminds him. McKay: "Theoretically… You know what kind of bastards the writers are." Because he knows it's true, Shep stammers out a "Just keep working" before leaving the bridge so Teyla and Rodney can do their respective things.
Back on Atlantis, Colonel Skinner radios Lizzeh to let her know that all systems are a go. Lizzeh: "You sure you want to do this, Colonel? I hear Hermiod is pissed about testing the hyperdrive so soon." Skinner, in his Flight Suit of Sexy: "Fuck Hermiod. We're doing this. After you sent us out against the Wraith in the last episode with only a broken ship, this one will be a cake walk. Besides, I'm sure Shep would appreciate some backup." Lizzeh: "Thank you…for going to save my boyfriend again. One of these days, I'm just going to buy one of those electric zapper training collars." And then they're off.
Elsewhere, Hive Ship: This Will End Badly emerges from hyperspace. Teyla swoons a little from the mental exertion of flying a ship (thought I'd go somewhere else with that, huh?) and because Shep is right there and worries for all members of his team, he checks to make sure she's okay. She basically waves him off, so he switches his attention to Rodney, who lets him know that there are no enemy ships in sight. Behind the two men, Ronon immediately appears by Teyla's side, and the two eyefuck and eyefuck and eyefuck. You get the picture. There was a bit of slow going in the first two episodes of this season, but now Spanky is back with a vengeance. Rawr! I don't know how many people got to enjoy the Ronon/Teyla Eyefuck of Concern since Shep and McKay were hogging the foreground. Anyway, before Shep can be patched through to Camp HowMuchLongerWillWeNeedToSufferThroughThisEpisode, the lights in the Hive start turning on by themselves. Surprised, McKay is all, "Zomg, secondary systems are online, wtf." Shep: "You're a genius!" McKay: "Well, duh, but this is totally not my fault." Apparently, something woke up the ship. Behind him, Ronon and Teyla exchange a quick Eyefuck of Impending (But Not Unexpected) Doom. To make a long scene shorter, sensors within the ship were set to turn on as soon as they detected Wraith lifesigns. Teyla, with a stupid question: "From the planet?" Shep, clearly not happy to hear this, and you know he's going to go back to Lizzeh with his prepared I Told You So speech all ready, is all, "Goddammit. How many?" Rodney pushes some buttons and reports about 20 Wraith and the rest still human. Shep obviouses a "So some of them reverted." Duh. Once again, for plot suspense only, there is no way for them to distinguish between Very Important Humans Who Are Listed in the Opening Credits and Eh, Extras, which means no one knows for sure if Beckett is still alive. (I'm thinking yes, but I've always liked to gamble.)
Team Sheppard (minus McKay) is off to save the day. Shep wonders if the Wraith have contacted the other ship so far, and for that matter, how the fuck the Wraith managed to contact the ship in the first place. Teyla offers: "It's possible that a group of them acting together could communicate over much larger distances," which would explain all the Gregorian chanting in the forest. I'm guessing. I find sometimes it's better not to use educated guesses or logic while watching this show. Shep: "Live and learn." Rodney: "And live some more, hopefully." Team Sheppard rushes to the Dart bay, where a Jumper is conveniently stashed. That's cheating! As they gear up and buckle in, Shep asks for confirmation that their failsafe -- and really, did you expect anything different from Sheppard, the guy who had the extra cloaked Jumper waiting at the end of "Underground" as a precaution -- will indeed nuke the crap out of everyone who needs to die. Rodney: "Dude, for real, imagine 'Trinity,' only on a smaller scale." Teyla, that empathizing Leader of the Dirty People, catches a bad case of the Becketts: "What about the ones that are still human?" In a move that never fails to kill me, Shep does the Slow Head Swivel of WTF, Are You Seriously Trying to Fuck With Me Right Now? He doesn't need to say a word because his look says it all. Ronon, who's taken off the Pimp Coat in order to strap on Christine and Belle, answers for him since he hasn't quite gotten the Communicating Through Eyefucks down yet, all, "They're toast." Also suffering from a mild case of the Becketts is Rodney, who supposes they could not nuke them into toasty little Elf bits.
I honestly don't see what the issue is here. There's a jigazillion Wraith out there. What's 200? Besides, we've already been bashed in the head a few dozen times with the Beckett's Awesome But His Cure Sucks Anvil so what's the point of worrying about them if they know they can't really save the Elves? Besides, they didn't lose any sleep when Rodney disintegrated 5/6th of an entire galaxy back in "Trinity." Ever the realist, Shep agrees, using Michael's reversion as proof that the Wraith B-Gone is a lost cause. He manages not to add a haughty "I told you so," even though he has every right to do so. In any case, the plan is to get Beckett (and any surviving Redshirts, but since they're also a dime a dozen in Vancouver, I mean, the Pegasus Galaxy, they're not that important) out of there, send the signal for their failsafe, nuke the planet, and get home in time for dinner.
In the dark of night, Camp Lackawannaomgwtfplot looks curiously like Athos the night of the Wraith culling back in "Rising." Oh, set designers, you say you can make these sets look different, but… you really can't. The members of Team Sheppard pop out of their hiding places and race to the med tent. Ka-POW! The three take out the reverted Wraith sentries, and excuse me while I fan myself because Shep not only used his little knife, but he used it competently. I love that Teyla has to jump like five feet in the air in order to punch her guy in the face. And thank you, sound guys, for the extra juicy neck-twisting effects. I really needed that to complete my day.
Because I pointed it out a few times in the past, but most recently in "Critical Mass," the Teyla/Beckett is going strong. She's the first through the tent flaps, calling a concerned "Carson" as soon as she sees him lying still on the gurney, unconscious. The others enter, with Ronon confirming the status of the Redshirts, and together, the three of them manage to drag a limp Beckett back to the Jumper. Though most likely Ronon was the one with the lucky assignment of carrying him. After all, what else is he good for? Back on the Plot Device Known as Hive Ship: Atlantis, Rodney frets over the amount of time Team Sheppard is taking to kick some ass. To his relief, Shep finally radios in that they're all accounted for. Behind Shep, Beckett and Teyla snuggle in the back of the Jumper. They totally did, omg! Shut up. Off Shep's orders to "light it up," Rodney attempts to detonate their failsafe.
As expected, nothing happens. Why? Because this is not an original plot and therefore, must follow the Story Outline for Cliched Plot #483. Mikey and his Mechanics are gathered around a deactivated nuke. How he figured out how to defuse it, based on Beckett's knowledge only, is one of those plot holes that have long fallen into the Black Hole of Unexplained Plot Points. Mikey: "See? EVIL." Mechanic #1: "I don't understand!" Mikey: "Don't worry. I'll lend you my copy of Overused Plots: How to Write a Science Fiction Episode for Basic Cable."
On the Jumper, everyone's waiting for the massive KABOOM. Shep: "..." Teyla: "..." Rodney, flailing: "I don't know, omg." Because his brain is tired from the emotional high of reuniting with Lizzeh, dealing with Woolsey, and then a successful rescue mission, we can't blame Shep for obviousing a "You mean to tell me the bomb didn't go off?" Ronon's all, "D'oh! Michael, that bastard!" Now that she's finally over her case of the Becketts, Teyla's all for nuking the crap out of all the Wraith to keep the other Hive ship from discovering them. The Crescendo of Impending Doom segues us out of the scene as Shep warns that they're not going to leave until Rodney fixes the weapons system of their Hive Lemon and they kill all the bastards on Planet We Should Have Seen This Coming Thirty-Five Minutes Ago. Speaking of the planet's population, all the camp counselors gather to bitch and gripe over Shep and his dastardly, sneaky ways. Mikey assures them that there's nothing they can do except wait for their Hive to pick them up. It does leave the question as to what else Carson might have passed on unintentionally to Michael, which I'm sure will come back to bite everyone in the ass later when TPTB are in need of a semi-controversial, mid-season cliffhanger of doom. Much like the X-Files, no one ever really dies in Stargateverse. Which is my cue to petition once again for a damn quantum mirror or even a holodeck for Atlantis. Come on; give mama an AU, dammit. A quick pan of all the Elf Men shows one guy with dreads. Hey, I didn't know Ronon had a twin brother who was kidnapped at birth and raised as a Wraith! I sense another story plot bunny! Anyway, everyone turns away from Mikey and they make for the woods. Some of them give Mikey a dirty look, so I can't tell if they're leaving him behind or not. In any case, no one cares because this episode is getting boring and this Wraith B-Gone juice thing needs to die already.
Team Sheppard runs onto the bridge of Hive Ship: Omg, Just Make This Episode End Already, with Teyla practically pushing Shep out of the way so she can get to the controls. Carson immediately runs to Rodney's side. *lalala* Shep: "Weapons?" Rodney: "Can't even hit a barn." Shep: "I'm pretty sure a Hive ship is like a gazillion times bigger." Rodney: "A giant, flying barn filled with Plot Holes, Plot Devices of Lazy Writing, and your stash of hair gel." Shep: "..." Then he recommends a stationary object on the planet as a target, and Rodney's all, "Huh. Why didn't I think of that?" Of course, they target the camp, since that's the most obvious target. Despite everything he's been put through, Beckett still argues they need to rescue as many Elves as possible, and I'm sorry, but I'm getting sick and tired of Beckett's ethical dilemma. Doctor or no, I say blast those bastards. Shep puts an end to it with a very adamant: "It's my call." And it is, so I don't see why everyone -- besides Ronon, obviously -- is angsting and woeing over this. Or maybe I'm just as callous a bastard as Shep. Hmm. Beckett turns his pleading eyes on Rodney, but since Rodney is more scared of his commander, he fires away.
The real Hive ship appears out of hyperspace at that exact moment. While the Atlanteans blow shit up on the planet, the Wraith start firing at Hive Ship: Atlantis. Even though they're being bombarded by weapons fire, Shep insists they keep targeting the camp and then orders the kill zone increased since they can't confirm the accuracy of their hits. They can't afford to let any Elves survive, and if they had just done this half an hour ago, this recap would have been much shorter. Inconsiderate bastards. Fortunately for my tired typing fingers and my poor keyboard, Hive Ship: Atlantis isn't expected to last much longer.
Sometime later, the Daedalus finally arrives at the planet. To find itty bitty pieces of Hive debris floating in space. Oh noes! Skinner stares at the space garbage, all, "Fuck you, Sheppard. AGAIN?!" A scan of space and planet shows no life signs. Dun dun DUN. Just as soon as Skinner's accepted Shep's death FOR THE THIRTY-FIVE TIME in his two seasons on the show, there's a twist -- a huge, unexpected twist that came out of nowhere and was so totally twisty and suspenseful that… oh, who the hell am I kidding? Shep executes his usual M.O. by radioing in that he's alive. Hahahaha. Skinner's so awesome, you can actually see his eyes twitch, all, "I am totally going to kick your ass for pulling these stunts on me, Sheppard." I must say, I actually like the dynamic and the mutual respect between the two now. In fact, I demand Sheppard-Skinner fic. (I don't care what they do or how it happens -- off-world or whatever -- but it should have them working together, kthxnow.) Like an exasperated GrandpaBear to a troublemaking PapaBear, Skinner's all exasperation: "Sheppard, where the hell are you? You know I'm too old to play hide and seek." In their cloaked Jumper, Teyla glances over at Shep, giving him the You're Such an Idiot eye. Then, with the cutest Oh-mouth EVER, Shep realizes he has the stupid cloak engaged, all, "Oh. Oops. Sorry! I'm an idiot, but I'm CUTE so it's okay." HEE. It's so damn ADORABLE that I find the need to watch it again. And again. And again. Anyway, the Jumper uncloaks just as the Daedalus passes beneath it, and everyone smiles and lives happily ever after.
Poll
Now that the episode is coming to a close, Woolsey finally sits down with Lizzeh to tell her what's up. Lizzeh jumps to the conclusion that Woolsey will sacrifice her as a scapegoat for all the actions taken in this episode. As a good leader, it's something she anticipates she'll do anyway. Quite noble of her, but let's concentrate on her shirt being zipped up all the way again -- obviously, a consequence of sexing the Shep when he came back alive. Yes. Don't even bother to contradict me. LALALA. Proving that he's not really a bad guy, Woolsey reports that he's willing to commend her for making the tough decisions that helped eliminate the Elf Threat and save her team in the end. Totally confused by Woolsey's ulterior motives, Lizzeh argues that his report back to the IOA won't accurately reflect the truth. Because Woolsey has a better understanding of this particular annoying bureaucratic acronym, he assures her that the IOA doesn't care. "Sometimes it's better not to let inconvenient facts get in the way of the greater truth. Sort of like writing one of these episodes. Besides, it's TPTB who have the last say anyway, and you're the only woman who can keep Shep in line." With newfound respect for him, Lizzeh watches as he prepares to step through the gate back to Earth. The episode finally fades to black on a wonderful Queen of Atlantis shot.
Poll
Next: The inevitable special guest star episode.
( to return to part 1)