3x04 "Sateda"

[mspooh]

This is VERY late. Still, better late than never.

SGA: 3x04 "Sateda"

Another planet, another Vancouver forest. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's the same damn tree. It's too bad there's no budget to send Shep and Ronon on a real location shoot -- like in my pants. Hmm, was it too early in the recap for a pervy joke? Well, too bad.

Pimp!Doggy in his Pimp!Coat scouts out the tree, contemplating whether or not to mark his territory when he's soon joined by Shep. In leather. Do you understand what this means? It means... okay, you know what, if I have to explain the importance of SHEP in LEATHER, then you are beyond my help. The rest of Team Sheppard is dressed in their splashy new black commando uniforms. Shep Solo asks, "Is something wrong?" To which the Chewie-wan states, "I have a bad feeling." But seeing how nothing ever goes right on SGA, this shouldn't be a shock. C3-Rodney-o chimes in with an "I always feel like that -- like something horrible is about to happen." Teyla, who I keep wanting to categorize as an Ewok even though it makes no sense whatsoever, skips ahead with Rodney, snarking a "How do you live?" Hee. TEYLA HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR! Okay, fine, she's always had one. We just aren't allowed to see it often. Plus, she only really snarks Rodney, which is awesome, because I hold a secret Teyla/Rodney kink. This entire conversation, of course, is called FORESHADOWING. Just in case you missed that lecture in Scriptwriting 101. As they continue their stroll through the Forest of Vancouver, Shep asks if Ronon recognizes the place. Because Ronon isn't the dumb puppy I like to make him out to be (most of the time), he's all, "Yeah. It's Vancouver. I mean, it's a DIFFERENT Vancouver. That's what I mean." Shep: "I don't know how you tell them apart." Oh, Meta, shut up.

Eventually, they arrive at another dirty village filled with more dirty people dressed in dirty furry clothing that even PETA wouldn't want to touch. Teyla blabs about the positive vibes she's getting from the Clan of the Cave Bear, and of course, those will be her famous last words. Shep, who I am happy to report is wearing his little knife down his ass crack again, discovers that his charm only works on those of the female persuasion, as his innocuous Wave/Hi causes one clan member to yell a very discouraging "WRAITHBRINGER!" This...definitely can't end well. Everyone runs, leaving Shep mildly offended. "That can't be good." No shit. Teyla is so shocked that her initial assessment of these people is so off the mark that she ends up using a contraction: "You don't have to be afraid!" Ever the fount of wisdom, Ronon advises them to get the fuck out of there, but because Rodney always feels the need to STAND AROUND RANTING during crisis moments, he snarks the Puppy's social skills, all, "If you could just make FRIENDS with people, we'd find less people trying to kill us." The two hour lag time of chit-chatting when they should be RUNNING, allows the Dirty People time to bring out the crossbows. Ftttzzzzp! An arrow pierces Rodney's ASS, and he screams like a little girl! AHAHAHA. OMG. *DIES FROM LAFF* You know, I was waiting for someone to get shot in the butt. It's inevitable on any TV action show. I would have preferred Shep, though, so we could finally have an excuse to get him out of those pants.

Shep orders warning shots only, which fazes absolutely NONE of the Dirty People. He grabs Rodney, and the two of them do a half-assed 3-legged race back to the gate. As they stumble toward safety, Rodney squeals, "OMG, it hurts! I can't feel my legs!" Shep, who is helping him run and NOT ATTEMPTING TO COP A FEEL, asks him if it's "pain or numbness." Rodney shrieks that "it's both!" I'll be honest. After chatting with athenaktt while watching this scene, it does sound like Shep had said "something something numbnuts." Which really shouldn't make sense, except Rodney's answer...strangely does. *la* Angry Puppy and Teyla stay behind to provide cover fire, but that doesn't stop the Cave People from attempting to part Shep's hair with an arrow. Shep: "ZOMG. MY HAIR!" Teyla: "RUN, Dumbass." So they do.

By this time, the Clan has gathered their Army of Furries and close in on Spanky's position. Shep drops off Rodney at the DHD and orders to him to dial home while he runs off to save Teyla and the puppy. Before he can get there, Dirty Person #25 hits Teyla with a blow dart tipped in Generic Sleepy Powder. She collapses immediately. Ronon is too busy staring at his girlfriend, which earns him a matching one of those Poison-tipped Plot Devices. Because there's enough diphenhydramine on those darts to knock out an elephant, Ronon and his Awesome Body of Whoa drops it like it's hot. At the DHD, Rodney's escape is interrupted by Dirty Person #51. Luckily, all evil-doers are blessed with awful aim, especially at point blank range, which allows our hapless genius to hobble-hop safely through the wormhole. Shep reaches his fallen teammates, and because he stupidly stands gawking OUT IN THE OPEN, he gets hit by a dart. D'OH! He stares at it, dumbfounded, and "oh crap"s before sinking to the ground. I feel righteously indignant that unlike the usual Sheppard Fall of Oh Noes which often rewards us with a crotch!shot, we do not get a pants!shot of any kind. Hateful.

Poll

Lantis! There's nothing better than seeing Lizzeh running -- RUNNING, people! -- down the steps, ready to welcome her favorite team home. Because Team Sheppard is looking absolutely HAWT in their new black uniforms, it's only fair that we're treated to the return of Lizzeh's Black Jacket of Yum. There's a glitch in my episode file because Tom Jones just started singing "Sex Bomb" on my computer as soon as Lizzeh appeared. Is anyone else experiencing that, too? Anyway, Rodney falls butt up on the floor, with one hand reaching blindly for his ass. LMFAO. Lizzeh drops down beside him, all, "Rodney, where's John?" Okay, so she asks about "the others," but we all know who she really means. Rodney thumb-porns toward the gate: "They're right behind me." Yeah, speaking of behind...no, forget it; way too easy. The gate shuts down and both Rodney and Lizzeh do silent mental flails of oh noes. Lizzeh, in particular, makes the Face of Woe when she realizes that Sheppard isn't coming back. AGAIN.

Opening Credits of Pretty People! And, baby, you can turn me on...

Cell of Impending Doom. Zoom in on a sleeping Shep. It's kind of unfair to the male species in general, isn't it? That a man that hot, with that amount of awesome hair, gets to wear leather and make millions of fangirls (and some boys) drool. Surely the rest of the male race must feel even more inadequate now. Anyway, Shep regains consciousness...and is greeted by Ronon's Assless Chaps of Yum. Unfortunately, he's wearing black jeans (or something similar) underneath. Le sigh. The black leather vest I can do without, having suffered through two seasons of seeing a constantly vested Cameron on House, and seriously? This is actually coming back in fashion WHY? Because he's PapaBear (and MamaBear isn't around to comfort her brood) he makes a valiant attempt at reassuring the Puppy with a heartening, "Well, I guess it could be worse," which, according to the Dummy's Guide to Jinxing Yourself in Any Galaxy, is the absolute WORST thing to say in such a situation. His attempt at lightening the mood elicits no reaction from the Puppy, but Teyla offers a weak smile because Shep attempting anything paternal is rather endearing. Shep tries again, but exactly what is his other hand doing? Chants to self: I will not think dirty thoughts. I will not think... oh, fuck it. I'm totally thinking pervy thoughts. Anyway, Teyla reveals that she's already tried to console Ronon (with sex!), and seriously, if she can't even call on the Power of Spanky to cure Ronon's emotastic mood, then nothing will. Sad Puppy: *emos* Shep: "Not your fault!" Ronon: "You don't understand! Here, let me show you via awesome Flashback, or what people on other shows call Backstory."

Flashback of Woe! Once upon a time, it was a dark and stormy night... er, well, it was night. Almost Dead Puppy comes across the settlement of Dirty People. But lo! A pretty Viking girl finds him, and despite her father's warnings to leave the filthy, half-dead puppy to fend for itself, she falls in love with the adorable little thing and takes it home. Totally understandable, as any hot-blooded woman in her right mind would be stupid not to take a pliable Ronon-puppy home and have her way with him.

The flashback is rudely interrupted by the Viking girl's father, Leader of the Dirty Vikings. "Dude? Did you think we wouldn't remember you? You're a giant puppy with dreads, for Ancient's sake."

Flashback of Woe continues! The Viking girl has her way with the Puppy. Except, not so much, because she's like twelve, and he's... so not.

Once again, the Leader of the DVs squashes Ronon's reminiscing. Seriously, why must this guy keep interrupting?! There's BACKSTORY being told here, dammit. I mean, the Giant Puppy gets backstory treatment early in his second season on the show, and we have yet to learn anything of consequence for Shep and Lizzeh. Exactly what does it take for a lead to get a history around here? Leader of the DVs informs the Angry Puppy that the Wraith had come a-calling. Shep immediately does the Lip Lick of Oh Noes while Teyla shares an Oh Crap Look of Worry with him. In more flashback-vision, we learn that not sexing Ronon immediately after finding him is punishable by death, and the pretty Viking girl's soul gets turned into Wraith juice. So let that be a lesson to you. If you find a Ronon, you must sex him immediately or YOU WILL DIE. Or not.

Present day. It turns out the Wraith were looking specifically for the Puppy. Emo!Puppy: *woobies* Bitchy Dirty Leader: "Your cute puppy face will not sway me from continuing to be an ass!" Shep promises that Ronon is no longer a Wraithbringer but a Lifesaver and Heartbreaker. There's talk about sacrificing the Angry Puppy, but Teyla begs for his life. Her love for him is so transparent. I love it! Leader of the DVs pffts her while revealing their dumbass pact with the Wraith: a Ronon for their continued existence. Horrified at their stupidity, Teyla realizes that these aren't just any Dirty People, these are Dumbest Dirty People She's Ever Met. She: "I promise that killing the puppy will not save you from the Wraith." Ronon: *gives them the 'That's My Woman; Fear Her' look* Stupid Dirty Leader: "Whatever. We're handing the Angry Puppy over to the Wraith." Shep: "OMGWTFBBQ." Stupid Dirty Leader: "Check out my awesome blipping Wraith pager, yo." Realizing that this is totally Not of the Good, Shep is all, "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE." So...par for course?

Lantis Infirmary of Ass Holes and Other Wacky People. Carson, Lizzeh, and some guy who is most definitely NOT Lorne gather around Rodney, who is lying on his stomach and drugged out of his mind. Cue: typical delusional McKay babbling. Now here's something to ponder: the arrow is still stuck in Rodney's ass, which means they had to cut off his pants to get him into the scrubs, but how do you put scrubs over an arrow sticking out of your butt? So logically, he's pantsless under the sheet, right? Not!Lorne, who kinda reminds me of the Charlie Brown Head (that would be Chase for all you who didn't live through that season with me) from 24, questions him using a slow and VERY LOUD voice, because that always helps. Had Lorne actually been in this ep, these lines wouldn't make me cringe so much. McKay: "Have you seen a guy around? He looks like you, but he's got messy hair. I think I lost him somewhere. And...and...and a pretty girl and a caveman." HEE!

Lizzeh crosses her arms, not impressed, which is the exact opposite of what I'm feeling, because DAMN, WOMAN, stop making women everywhere feel so inferior when compared to your stunning beauty. The hair especially keeps getting more and more awesome with every episode. In fact, it's all kinds of messy, like she dun sex with Shep right before the mission and was waiting for him to come back for another round. *la* Carson: "Oops. I may have given him way too much drugs." Not!Lorne tries to blow out Rodney's eardrums in an attempt to shock him into a moment of lucidity, but the genius is more interested in playing with his nose. Not!Lorne: "How many were there? How far from the gate? Were they really dirty? Was Lorne there? What kind of weapons? " Carson: "Um...I'm taking a wild stab in the dark, but... arrows?" Not!Lorne: "Ha. Ha." Seriously, Lorne would have hit this scene out of the ballpark with his awesomely dry wit and those dimples that refuse to quit. Rawr. Rodney wonders what the heck is going on, and when told he's got an arrow in his butt, it takes him forever to get to the "omg, that's my ass, isn't it?" Since Lizzeh's not interested in his ass (she doesn't even glance at it), she leaves, exasperated. Rodney/Arrow: 1. Lizzeh/Rodney: 0.

The ass she is interested in is still stuck in the Tree Branch Cage of Doom. I'm not a structural engineer, but I'm pretty sure the Angry Puppy could just blow the damn thing down, ya know. Or at the least, throw Teyla through one of the spaces in-between. I mean, she's tiny enough. Ronon calls for the head guy to get his ass back there, but he's stonewalled by Dirty Person #12. I don't believe we've ever seen this outfit from Ronon, have we? I'm pretty sure I would have remembered the leather arm-warmers. You know, I thought the last episode was the gayest ever. I was wrong. I have now seen Ronon's slashy biker outfit. Ronon? The Village People called. They need you for their next tour. Anyway, blah blah blah, Stupid Dirty Guy #12 walks a little too close to the cage and the Angry Puppy grabs him and sticks a sharp pointy knife to his throat. You really gotta love all those hidden knives. When the Dirty People aim their darts and bows at him, Ronon roars. Shep cautiously steps closer, face-acting the This is Totally NOT Plan B expression. He's all, "Hey, buddy, you wanna fill me in on this plan?" Ronon doesn't respond because quite frankly, he's a little too busy right now to teach Shep the military strategies outlined in the Satedan translation of The Art of War.

Poll

Eventually, the Leader of the DV breaks up the party, threatening to kill Shep and Teyla if the Angry Puppy doesn't behave. Shep's all, "I really don't think we need to go there," and Ronon agrees. He has his own version of the Lip Lick (enhanced by the use of Psycho Lip Gloss) and demands that his people be set free. He rationalizes that the Wraith aren't interested in the rest of Team Sheppard, which is a LIE because we all know there's a huge bounty on Shep's hair. Teyla, shocked and unhappy: "PUPPY, NO!" Shep whispers to him not to make things worse, but the Crazy Puppy insists that he won't get shot because the Wraith want him alive. Shep: "I was more worried about them shooting us." Ha. Dirty Person #12, who has less balls than Rodney during a moment of imminent death, wets his pants and begs his leader to give in to the Psycho Puppy. Disgusted at their indecisiveness, the Angry Puppy throws away his hostage and threatens to commit suicide. Shep zomgs and orders his puppy to stop dicking around, but the Puppy is beyond listening to his master. He huffs and puffs and wibbles and woobies a really long apologetic speech that includes a Spanky Eyefuck of Angst and ends with a Let the Pretties Go or I'll Kill Myself ultimatum. It's the longest speech ever from the puppy, and if you do a word count, probably equals his entire verbal output for the entire last season. I'm in so much shock at this development that Puppy is secretly an oratory genius that I'm going to gloss right over the fact that Shep wants to stay by his puppy's side. Because that's not slashy at all. AT ALL, PEOPLE.

Ronon jabs himself with the tip of the knife, and Shep licks his lips in apprehension, all, "Um, Jason? You do know that prop or not, that thing is a sharp muthfucka, right?" Unfortunately for Team Sheppard, some Dirty People drag Shep and woman-handle Teyla out of the cage. Teyla stays long enough to share another Eyefuck of Impending Doom with Ronon while reaching out to him, as if trying to save him with the power of her love. Dude. In my Shippers' Guide to Alien Mating, that little quirk practically confirms Spanky as canon. All the Dirties walk Shep and Teyla back to the gate, and as soon as they clear the area, they put the puppy to sleep.

Lantis gateroom. (Hey, did Chuck's hair grow out? Everyone wants Messy Hair a la Shep.) An incoming wormhole is activated and those five guys whose jobs it is to stand around staring at the gate until something happens, draw their weapons. Finally, some action for those poor bastards. Confirmation of Shep's IDC sends Lizzeh running down the stairs to greet her boyfriend. The first thing out of John's mouth as soon as he steps through is "someone get us some vests and guns." Not!Lorne intercepts, asking after the puppy. As the extras help Teyla and Shep gear up, Lizzeh breathlessly asks WTF happened. Shep gives her the summary and ends by telling her they're going to bring their puppy home. Lizzeh doesn't hesitate or question his decision, immediately ordering the gate to be dialed -- only because they had a mission planning session with THEIR EYES in the five seconds it took me to type this out. Speaking of eyefucking -- as if there's ever a time when Shep and Lizzeh are in a scene together and it doesn't happen -- Shep rattles off some logistical information, ostensibly for the search party's sake, but he eyefucks Lizzeh the ENTIRE TIME. No, seriously, WATCH HIM. Teyla ominouses that the planet could be crawling with Wraith, but Not!Lorne is gung-ho to bring back the puppy. Then Shep eyefucks Lizzeh out of the scene.

Wraith Destroyer! Let's see... it's dark; there's mood lighting; there's a smoke machine working overtime. Omg, the Wraith goons are dragging the Angry Puppy onto a gay porn set! How fortunate that Ronon is already dressed for it. The Bow Chicka Bow Wow cues up as we get some artsy-fartsy shot of a Really Badass Wraith Mofo clomping down the steps from his throne. The camera slowly pans up from his feet, up past his flexing hands, to... okay, seriously, I'm pretty sure I saw this EXACT EDITING in a real gay porn clip. HOW I came about such a clip is a really long story that we will forget about right now because I think I am still traumatized by it, kthx. Anyway, Really Badass Wraith Mofo looks kind of like a bastardized version of Nem from "Fire and Water." Ronon: *freaks* Not!Nem: *bares his teeth* Ronon: "Dude, you need to see a dentist." Then he ohnoes some more. Angry Puppy not only is an oratory genius, but he's an emoing fool in this episode. Our puppy is so multifaceted. See what happens when you give a character backstory, TPTB? The character is actually INTERESTING. Pfft.

Back on Planet Got What They Deserved, it should come as no surprise that the Wraith came, saw, and conquered. Shep flails that it's only been a half hour, and Teyla uses another contraction. Seriously, woman, STOP IT. Contractions: 2. Pooh's Brain: *CRIES* Teyla offers a little nugget of dry wit: "As we suspected, the deal did not go as planned." Now where have I heard that quote before, hmm. Anyway, everyone's DEAD. Thank god. A few less Dirty People for the Atlanteans to worry about. Not!Lorne finds Angry Puppy's Belle, and Shep's all, "OHNOES. PUPPPYYYYYY." Teyla offers a reassuring "We'll find him," but Shep is inconsolable. Or whatever.

Somewhere in space. Wolverine gets a new adamantium skeleton. Or at least that's what this scene reminded me of. Anyway, Not!Nem is a chatty fellow, and seriously, how is he heading a Hive ship when I thought they had a matriarchal society? Stop confusing me, dammit! He blah blah blahs that they're going to play a game of cat and mouse on that Hawaiian paradise known as Baywatch: Sateda. True to his word, they beam the Angry Puppy down into the middle of his ruined planet. He has a Flashback of Violent Deaths, which is pretty self-explanatory. Plagued by memories of his time defending the city against the Wraith, he gets all grunty and starts running. And running. And running. Then there's some growling and jumping. Then more running. Then some climbing up ladders. Finally, he pauses on a rooftop to stare at the obvious matte painting of his destroyed home world, which reminds me more of Newark, NJ than a Vancouver paradise.

Elsewhere, a Wraith dart beams down a Wraith bounty hunter. No, wait, because there's more artsy-fartsy editing and the Music of Exaggerated Suspense and Melodrama, it's not so much a Wraith bounty hunter as a Wraith, Texas Ranger. Wearing Morpheus's pimpcoat and Elton John's sunglasses. He pulls out a stunner from his Wraith Crotchpack and stalks purposefully through Dodge City to the rhythm of his own theme song.

Conference Room of Half-assed Planning. Because there's no greater love than of that between a Master and his Puppy, Shep adamantly declares -- not without some determined woobieness in his face -- that his Puppy is still alive. Carson, who is also dressed in Team Sheppard's away black, tries to poop on his hope. Teyla's breasts stand stoically beside Carson, smacking me over the head with the Teyla/Carson. I don't even have to wank anything when they're mimicking the Sheppard/Weir Personal Space-Sharing Stance. The Proximity Alert of Love practically blares in my ears when it looks like they're TOUCHING. Oh, Teyla, how quickly you move on when your boyfriend is lost. Teyla and Shep run through a joint presentation on why they believe their beloved puppy is still out there. Shep dooms and glooms: "Ronon will not go down easily." OMG. I want to SPORK MY BRAIN because that line? Is totally WRONG. Shut up. You totally snickered, too. I thought a summer off would save me from the Shep/Ronon that followed mylittleredgirl and me around all last season, but I WAS WRONG. *wibbles* Anyway, Lizzeh and Shep eyefuck some more, which makes me feel less squicked by my brain betraying me. Lizzeh, Teyla, and Shep triple-team against Rodney, looking to him for guidance on how to activate the Lost Puppy Homing Device they secretly implanted on Ronon as soon as Lizzeh approved John's idea to keep him. Rodney rants and moans about how they're always asking him to do the impossible, but then quickly figures out some plan that will obviously work because TPTB have decreed it so. Everyone yays, even after Rodney tries to squash their hopes that they're making a huge leap in logic. Shep: "Logic? This is Atlantis. There's no such thing as logic in Stargateverse!"

OK Corral Sateda. It's amazing what a change of scenery can do. Ronon's biker bar chic also doubles as trendy Wild Wild West. All he needs are spurs to complete the outfit. Oh, Ronon, the Village People called again. They say you can still join them for the second leg of their reunion tour as soon as you're done sweeping away the Wraith garbage here. He sifts through some debris, arming himself with a makeshift weapon. There's suddenly a Flashback of Puppy Sex (and other things). I'm sure someone more creative than I will copy/paste Teyla's face over Ronon's ex-whatever because how dare he sleep with another woman, omg. Anyway, the sexual fantasy is interrupted by the sound of Wraith, Texas Ranger thumping down the steps. He checks his life signs detector and whips off the Elton John Sunglasses #754. Snarling, he enters the room, closing the door behind him. His eyes glow in the dark! Um... that's new. I don't recall the Wraith seeing with infrared, thermal imaging, FLIR Vision. You'd think Teyla would have mentioned it when she inhabited their bodies in "The Gift." Anyway, there's a point to this new twist. The hand-to-hand combat scene that follows is pretty cool, filmed beautifully, and lifted from Predator. Er, "homage"d, I mean. Obviously, Ronon wins, because his name is in the credits.

Sometime later, after Shep has finished sexing Lizzeh, thereby allowing Rodney time to complete his techno voodoo, he visits the lab for an update. Because he's still feeling the pain in his ass from his accidental run in with a well-placed arrow, Rodney's lying on his stomach on the floor. He jokes about missing the ability to sit down, and to rub it in, Shep sits cross-legged by his side. This, of course, is NOT SLASHY. No, slashy would have been if he stretched out beside Rodney on the floor and KILLED MY SOUL. Shep's all, "I don't envy you. Must be a real pain in the ass." Hee. Rodney rolls his eyes, all, "Dude. That joke's OLD." Shep segues straight into business. The two totally Jack-and-Sam their way through the technobabble, and Rodney triumphantly punches a few keystrokes to display the transmissions of seven runners currently in the Pegasus Galaxy. Rodney zomgs that he's pinpointed their lost puppy. The simple reasoning behind it? The transmission is coming from Sateda. Duh. Shep happies because PUPPY, OMG. I say they're missing a huge opportunity for a plot arc, by not looking into soliciting the help of the rest of the runners. Surely Beckett could use his voodoo magic to discover why some people were made into runners instead of Wraith snackpacks in the first place. Unless I slept through that explanation.

Poll

OK Sateda. See Puppy run. See Puppy run up stairs. See Puppy run down stairs. See Puppy throw himself over a railing. And then climb down into the sewer system. Followed by a small flying sphere of evil. Oh noes!

Back on Atlantis, Lizzeh has pretty, pretty, really pretty hair. I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but REALLY, she's got GORGEOUS hair. We can't speak enough about her hair. To someone off camera, Lizzeh insists that because they have been unable to dial into Sateda, they need to hitch a ride. Teyla muses that those bastard Wraith most likely disabled the gate to keep Ronon from escaping. Ha. As if the Angry Puppy would voluntarily walk away from a planet full of Wraith without kicking their asses first. Pfft. The camera cuts to the other side of the conference room to show Colonel Skinner, standing all by himself. He's adamant that all the evidence points to the Wraith actively hunting the Angry Puppy. Ergo, Hive ship in the vicinity. A wide shot of the room results in more Sheppard/Weir Proximity Alarms going off. Wheee! No, seriously, from this angle, their shoulders are practically touching and everyone else is giving them a wide berth. Lalala. Colonel Skinner reminds them that "the Daedalus sucks. We've proven we can't defeat a Hive." Only not in those exact words.

Rodney helpfully suggests they beam the Angry Puppy on board as soon as they're out of hyperspace and then flee as quickly as possible. Col. Skinner rars at him because the plan sucks and is totally impossible to pull off without getting into a confrontation. My very pretty ship and their matching His and Her Glares stand united. Col. Skinner's all, "Look. I want to help. It's not my fault TPTB decided to make me an ASS again, but I know Lizzeh's big on protocols, and this mission is totally an insane waste of resources for one man." Shep accuses him of being prejudiced: "One man who isn't a member of the US military." Oh, so that's why they have no qualms sacrificing all those redshirts. Lizzeh looks at Shep, and their arms touch. Shut up, they totally did on my copy! Col. Skinner's all, "I'm not a bigot, dammit!" Then Shep gets in Skinner's face, finger-porning angrily that he wants his puppy back because puppies deserve love, too.

Lizzeh steps behind Shep, literally backing him up and double-teaming poor Skinner, repeating their number one credo: don't leave anyone behind. Skinner glowers, thinking she's got some nerve to preach to him "about leaving people behind, woman. You're the one who didn't hesitate to send me on those suicide missions in the first two eps this season." Lizzeh: *glare* Teyla: "Um... can we go pick up my boyfriend or what?" Knowing he's outnumbered, Col. Skinner reiterates that it's a "bad risk-reward situation." Shep knows he's right, so he compromises -- the Daedalus can drop them off a block away and let them go the rest of the way in a cloaked Jumper. Carson decides he needs to take his new uniform out for a test drive so he volunteers to go. Realizing this is the best he'll get, Skinner sulks that he "won't bail [them] out if [they] get in trouble." To which Shep smartasses a "You say that as if we're always getting in trouble." Which is technically an honest objection since it's mostly SHEP and not his TEAM that's constantly stepping in poopy. Then he makes a cute puppy face and leaves. The rest of Team Sheppard files out after him, and Skinner resists the urge to smack the Smug off Shep's face.

Sewer System of No Hope. Damn those littering Satedans; they flushed all their skeletons down the toilet. Psycho Puppy eyes one of them, and I'm guessing they were friends because it triggers another flashback. He picks up a weapon, hesitating only a second before relieving one of the dead guys of his armor. I don't know why he feels the need to put on the breastplate since he IS the Angry Puppy and bullets tend to ricochet off that lovely, sculpted Chest of Yum. He rummages through an ammo depot and Rambos up, but even Rambo didn't need no fucking armor, yo.

Poll

In a dimly lit corridor nearby, Worf's younger, greener, meaner, vampiric brother with his modified batleth stalks down the hall to the throbbing drumbeat of suspense. He checks his Dick Tracy life signs detector, becoming confused when he's right on top of the Angry Puppy blip. Because this guy never watched "The Storm," it's not surprising when he finally glances up, all, "Oh fuck" when he sees the Angry Puppy hanging from the ceiling. Ronon blasts away. Angry Puppy: 2, Stupid Wraith: 0. The Sphere of Doom hovers behind the Angry Puppy, who instead of shooting at the thing, uses it to trash-talk the Really Badass Wraith King Who's Too Chickenshit to Come Down and Take Care of His Own Business. His taunt is transmitted back to the Hive via some holographic projector. Angry Puppy: "Sissy." Not!Nem: "RAR!" Just to put a point on it, Ronon one-handedly flips the pin from a grenade, throwing it blindly over his shoulder as he walks away in Super Slow Motion of Heroic Proportions. He continues his calm pace as everything behind him goes KABOOM. I know I've seen this movie before, and it's driving me nuts that I can't place it. Argh. As he hero-struts away via more artsy-fartsy editing, a voiceover vows that "Sateda will not bow to invaders. The time has come to put our bravery on the line and defend our nation's--"

Flashback of Lurve and Angst and all that good stuff! A young, innocent Puppy enters his cabin to see his... girlfriend? ...wife? ...some woman listening to the emergency broadcasting message over the radio. The most surprising thing we find out about his past: Ronon's CLEAN and... er, dorky. The yellowed film stock has me confused; if years of watching Alias has learned me anything, it's that a yellow filter means they're in Mexico...which is obviously wrong in this case. Anyway, Angry Puppy is pissed off at the annoying, back-talking girl because he managed to score her a spot on some commander dude's transport out of OK Sateda and this chick hasn't even packed yet, WTF. Instead of being grateful, she moans that she'll be needed at the hospital. That pisses off Ronon even more. And I don't have closed captioning on this medium, but I'm pretty sure he called her Melena. He tries to talk some sense into her, because she obviously doesn't get the fact that 1) the Wraith are BAD, 2) she will DIE, 3) Ronon's too pretty to die, and therefore 4) if she escapes now, she will eventually meet back up with him because of #3. She throws some propaganda in his face, blah blah blahing that they need to stand up to the Wraith and show them who's their daddy. After sitting through this whinefest, I'm starting to believe that this Wraith culling thing? Totally needed to execute Darwin's theory of survival. Especially in the Pegasus Galaxy, because good god, there are some really stupid aliens in this galaxy. He doesn’t want to hear her entreaties but she jinxes him with a "Ronon, you can't run forever." Shut up, bitch; he'll only run for 7 years -- that's barely a dent in "forever."

Elsewhere on OK Sateda, the Wraith King Mofo has decided to stop screwing around and sends a group of hunters to take care of Ronon. I guess this is where the unsportsmanlike conduct penalty would be issued. They growl and grunt for a bit and then take their mini-pitchforks off to spork the Angry Puppy.

In a warehouse near you -- where aliens have also invented the blue 55-gallon plastic barrel, not to mention caution tape -- we're shown a variety of weapons scattered strategically around the room. Ronon hides behind a large crate and waits for the Wraith to enter the killing field. He easily picks off the first one -- the sacrificial lamb, obviously -- before the rest of the Wraith jump out and start firing on his hiding spot. The Angry Puppy takes a moment to flashback to that one time when he and his buddies were standing OUT IN THE OPEN and eventually everyone DIED because WTF was THAT all about. When he deems it the time right, Neo Dex summons his powers over plot holes, space, and bullet-time to go all Matrix-y on the mini-army's ass. Um, Ronon? Keanu called; he's pissed you stole his shtick. Bullet-time, however, is AWESOME. With all the Wraith dead, Neo Dex smirks, all smug because his body count rivals that of Jack Bauer's. Realizing that one Wraith stupidly activated his self-destruct before dying, Ronon oh-craps and busts his ass out of there at a fast clip. The warehouse blows up, because the Rules of Stargate state that at least one thing needs to go KABOOM per episode. There's no evidence of Neo Dex surviving, but if he can master bullet-time, I'm pretty sure he'll pull out of this jam okay.

Daedalus, Hyperspace. Shep sits in the mess hall, texting Super Sekrit Messages of Love to Lizzeh over his pimped-out, McKay-modified Superher0 Sidekick.

Shep: "...and then I'll use my tongue to lick-- Teyla's here! Gotta go!"
Lizzeh: "L8erz, pookie."
Shep: "Bye, snugglebunny."

Outfitted in her non-Athosian regulation clothing of Black Tank Top and Pushup Bra of Wonder, Teyla joins him at his table. She starts off by thanking him for "going after Ronon this way." She's rather hesitant though extremely grateful, if her tone of voice is any indication, which means that she misses their puppy MORE than Shep ever will, in ways that Shep NEVER will. And if I have to spell out S-E-X to you, than you need a bigger spanking than Spanky. She wibbles about not being accepted by others, except where he and Lizzeh are concerned. He assures her that he's always trusted her, which is true, since TPTB dropped the In Our Aliens Friends We Trust Anvil way back in the third episode of the entire series. Shep's all, "Uh, have you been watching the past two seasons where I rescue all my people?" Teyla: "But we're ALIENS." There's an awkward moment where Shep doesn't know how to respond, but Teyla only smiles encouragingly. "Look," he begins, and Teyla gets the Hold on While I Prepare for Your Very Profound Words of Wisdom look of concentration. Unfortunately for her, Shep's not quite so articulate, refusing to meet her eyes and stuttering through an "I'm not really good at, uh -- actually, I'm terrible at expressing... I don't know what you call it..." Because Lizzeh isn't around to complete his sentences for him, it's up to Teyla to suggest, "Feelings?" Hee.

He makes the cutest face, STILL not looking at her, all, "Yeah, sure, okay...I'm not sure if there's an actual English translation for that Athosian word, but we'll go with it." She gives him the Look of WTF as he continues dancing around the main purpose. "The point is, I don't have uh..." "Social skills," she provides, and dear god, I love her to death for mocking him right now. He thinks about it for a minute, considers refuting it, but neither agrees or disagrees by mentioning that he enjoyed flying helicopters at the ass end of Earth before coming to Atlantis. He admits, "You should know, I don't have, uh..." In the anticipated pause, she supplies once more: "Friends?" AHAHAHA. His head snaps up. "No," he insists, affronted, "I have friends." Teyla only looks on serenely with an awkward Oh, Haha, My Bad quickie smile.

Before the awkward silence can stretch to unbearable lengths, he states quite unequivocally: "You, Elizabeth" -- he glances up, meets Teyla's eyes and smiles after Lizzeh's name, because in Shep's mind, Lizzeh ALWAYS rates a pause and a smile -- "Ronon, Carson, even Rodney, are the closest thing I have to, uh..." He stops as his eyes start glistening from pulling on my heartstrings. Damn you, Sheppard! Teyla suddenly deciphers all the Sheppard-stuttering to realize where this is headed, and with sincerity: "A family?" He doesn't answer, only reining in his emotions and finally making eye contact with her, because this is Very Important Poignant Revelation: "I'd do anything. For any one of you. If I had to give up my life the way Ronon was going to" -- and then his voice gets so incredibly SMALL and EMOTIVE and FULL OF WOOBIE -- "I would." WHICH WE ALL KNEW FROM THE SIEGE, PART 2! And then he cries. No, wait, actually, I DO because I am a fucking sap and this ranks right up there with all those emotionally manipulative AT&T commercials of yesteryear. Damn you, TPTB, for allowing Sheppard to goo my brain! Damn you, Shep, for making my heart HURT FOR YOU. If you were a real person, I would jump you right now and have my way with you just to make me feel better.

In a Moment of Aww, Teyla's face lights up, knowing how difficult it was for Shep to admit anything of emotional significance to anyone NOT Lizzeh. Her smile is all, "Aww, not having shared meaningful screen time or exchanged words of importance for almost one and a half seasons doesn't mean we aren't friends! Yay!" In a move that will never fail to KILL ME DEAD WITH LAFF, he once again refrains from meeting her eyes, stares at the table, and reaches out for a Handpat of Awwwkwaaaaard. It's so incredibly clumsy and hesitant and totally a PapaBear Tries to Console SisterBear While MamaBear, The One Who Usually Handles All The Mushy Crap in The Family, Is Unavailable to Provide The Shoulder to Cry On sort of thing. In other words, it's entirely non-sexual and completely platonic. I'm still of the mind that Shep freaks out whenever he has to think of Teyla in female terms because then he has absolutely NO CLUE what to do (or how to deal) with her. This also makes me justified in sticking my tongue out at fandom and admitting that I don't think Shep has ever had a sister, dead or alive. So there. Hrmph.

Like all PapaBears who believe a few nice words and a quick buddy-pat are enough for GIRLS who may be facing the potential death of their One True Love, he leaves as quickly as possible. I'm not even going to point out that he left the table first, because I LOVE THIS SCENE. It's about time they remembered that Shep and Teyla ARE friends. Despite being confused by his attempts to reassure her of both her and Ronon's place on his team and in the Atlantis family, she thanks him "for everything you meant to say." He stops without turning around and scoots out of there. Awww. *LOVES!* I love when Teyla uses her mocking skills for the Powers of Awesome. Also? For a scene that consisted solely of Shep and Teyla, it was very much about the SPANKY. Angry Puppy, not to fear -- your girlfriend's on her way.

Burning Remains of the Warehouse of Impossible Escapes. From under the rubble, an Angry Puppy emerges. He hops around for a bit, simulating pain and hurt, but let's face it; his self-healing adamantium will fix him right up by the time we return to this plotline.

Poll

Infirmary of Slash. Because how often will we get a scene of Carson poking around the vicinity of Rodney's ass on this show? Rodney: *screams* Carson: "I haven't even touched you!" Rodney: "Ok, just don't forget the lube." *LALALA* Anyway, Carson does his thing, Rodney screams some more, and Carson ends by snapping off his rubber...glove. As another shout-out to me, TPTB have decided to keep gifting us with more boxers on this show. After showing off the orange (or some other citrus-like) slices decorating his boxers, Rodney slides off the infirmary table. Just in case you didn't know what the hell was going on, Carson grouses, "Why'd you come?" Which is rather selfish of Carson, if you know what I mean and I know you do, but Rodney's all, "Wasn't this scene included solely to throw the slashers a bone? Pun totally intended." Now that I've done my time with the innuendoes, we revert back to the real script. Oh, thank god.

Carson points out that Rodney didn't need to join the mission since his ass is still on the disability list. He implies that Rodney only wants to participate in the rescue attempt so people won't think less of him. Which Rodney, of course, denies. Carson: *eyes* Rodney: "I care! ...deep down inside. Really deep. Down...Inside." The two then argue over who loves their puppy more. Carson: "You call him The Caveman!" Rodney: "Buddies have nicknames!" Carson: "You're buddies?!" Rodney: "He saved my life. He's my new BFF! More than that, he's like a brother to me." Carson: "A brother who got every gene you didn't." Rodney: "Hey, we're like the DeVito and Schwarzenegger of our generation, bitch. You're just jealous of our relationship." Haha. The Carson/Rodney scene is followed immediately by a reveal of Rodney/Ronon. Awesome. Carson's dimples counter Rodney's claim, asking him if he's ever had a deep, meaningful conversation with Ronon. Since Rodney/Ronon is all about physical aspects, proven by Rodney insisting they have an "unspoken bond; I mean, there are things that go deeper than words, my friend, deeper than words." Yeah, that's called Ronon's Sword of Whoa, and I'm not talking about Christine. However, Carson/Ronon has one up over the Rodney/Ronon; they've already had The Talk. And for reals, people, can you even imagine the Puppy and Carson having profound conversations late at night while sitting in the infirmary? I think someone needs to write that scene, hint hint.

Another city in ruin. The Angry Puppy limps through what used to be -- according to the Wild West Flashbacks of Sepia Film Stock -- a Satedan hospital. Present day scenes are inter-cut with flashbacks of the Angry Puppy striding through the halls of the hospital, searching for his woman. Present! In one of the rooms, he gathers up some accessories, and in a move that would have Carson bellowing about death by infection and the necessity of sterilizing your medical instruments, the Angry Puppy attempts to remove a metal fragment embedded in his thigh. Cue artsy fartsy blipverts of the Angry Puppy crying out in pain -- for his back alley self-surgery and for the flashbacks of angst and woe. Past! The Angry Puppy tracks down his nurse lover (girlfriend? wife?). There's a bittersweet reunion, where they're happy to see each other but unhappy to learn that the Wraith are kicking their asses. Ronon: "Let's go. I know a Secret Route of Escape." Melena: "Okay, but we need to take this one orphaned sick girl." Ronon: *carries girl in arms* Melena: "Okay, and that one old guy. I can't leave him to die." Ronon: *throws old guy over shoulders* Melena: "And that one sick woman..." Ronon: *lifts woman in other arm* Melena: "Don't forget that baby." Ronon: *ties baby to waist* Melena: "And..." Or something totally annoying like that. Then she starts blubbering and sobbing about how everyone is doomed while she has the option to run away with a Chesty, Manly Man of Yum. Ronon: "Listen, woman, let's GO ALREADY. Seriously, we could be in our hiding place by now if you would just STFU and stop angsting over STRANGERS." Ultimately, it doesn't matter, because as Ronon turns around to see her standing before a window -- a great place to be in times of hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, and ATTACKING WRAITH. The Wraith have apparently formed an Evil Alliance of Doom with Skytech to create a slow motion, nuclear, holocaustic explosion that rips through the window, engulfing the Angry Puppy's tragic leading lady in a fireball of flames, vaporizing her instantly. So...Terminator 2, huh?

Present! The sound effects intermingle with the telltale noise of a Wraith beam outside. Looking out the window in present day Sateda, Ronon realizes the Wraith King Mofo has finally responded to Ronon's unspoken taunt of "You and whose army?" It's too bad the Wraith beaming technology is impeded by concrete walls (I'm assuming), otherwise he could have just beamed them directly into the room and saved me the trouble of recapping the last ten minutes of this episode. Wraith, as you now know, are NOT HELPFUL at all. Especially when the Spherical Flying Object of Evil makes its presence known to the Angry Puppy. Via Wraith TeeVee transmission, the Angry Puppy is all, "Pussy" to the Wraith King Mofo. Sadly, this reality show is prematurely cancelled when the familiar rattatat of a P-90 blows the Wraith Cable Box to itty bitty pieces of scrap metal. Ronon greets his rescuers with a well-aimed Belle. "Don't look so surprised," our hero Shep remarks from the doorway, with Teyla in tow. Exhausted, Ronon sinks to the floor, causing his girlfriend to ask him if he's okay. Awww. Normally, she'd reenergize him with sex, but they've got company. Shep tries to coax him to the waiting Jumper on the roof, where Rodney and Carson are keeping watch. Ronon: "Fuck off." Shep: "Hey, whoa. Whoa, hey. Watch where you point that thing." Ronon: "I'm not going anywhere." Then the scene fades to commercial on Shep making the Oh Crap, No Way Can I Carry You Up to the Roof if I Need to Zap You face, otherwise known as the This Day Could Not Get Any Worse Except It Just Did So We Can Stretch This Episode Out For Another Nine Minutes look.

Stuck watching the Puppy inactivity on the HUD of Awesome, Rodney bitches that they have less than 9 minutes for the climactic battle and conclusion. Shep informs him that Ronon is being a stubborn ass about leaving. Showing his love for his new BFF/brother (which is actually on par with the sibling relationships in my family), Rodney snaps, "Well, too bad. You tell that ungrateful example of unevolved humanity that we came all this way to rescue him so he better get off his ass--" Shep translates for Ronon: "McKay says he's very hurt you won't come with us." Ahahaha. They try to leave, but Ronon very emphatically refuses to go. Shep's all, "WTF. Why not? I'm about ready to haul you up by your ear and ground you for life." Then Ronon nose-flares a "because I'm going to kill the Wraith responsible for all this." Shep understands the concept of revenge, but he also understands the 42 minute episode running time rule and crosses his fingers that the Wraith King Mofo is part of the search and destroy party currently making their way through the building. Ronon: "No. He's probably still on the Hive." Teyla omgs a "We can't take on a Hive ship right now." And seriously, STOP USING CONTRACTIONS. YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT. *whimpers* Ronon gives her a significant look, all, "We won't have to. I'm the Angry Puppy, a one man fighting army, remember?" Rawr.

Rodney continues grumbling that they're taking too long to finish this episode. So Shep makes a command decision. "Come on," the messy-haired Shepagorn tells the Angry Puppy, "let's go hunt some Orc, er, I mean, Wraith." They do the Handshake of Warrior Bonding, not to be mistaken with the Handshake of Slash (which doesn't even involve hands from both participating parties), even if they do end up eyefucking forever, and omg, MAKE IT STOP. The Angry Puppy, at least, refuses to fall in love with Shep, ordering him to "stay out of my way." Then they make eyes at each other when Shep returns Belle to Ronon. Because Belle is pretty much a power object of lust, I'll let this one slide. That done, they run off to kill some Wraith.

It's up to Shep to inform Rodney and Carson of their really impulsive, stupid plan: kill all Wraith on the planet in an attempt to get the King Mofo's lazy ass down there to hunt Ronon himself. Angry Puppy, now armed with Belle and a backup blaster, starts mowing down some goons. Because the Wraith have NO SENSE of self-preservation OR military strategy, they don't realize that stairwells are pretty much NOT A GOOD PLACE to make a last stand. Shep and Teyla chase after their puppy, trying to keep up. As expected, Rodney snarks that they're outnumbered 25 to 3. To fulfill the episode's comedy quota, Carson very helpfully provides a running commentary on how quickly the Angry Puppy is disposing of the dumbass Wraith. Teyla offers: "And Ronon appears to be quite angry." LMFAO. The boy's not nicknamed Angry Puppy for no reason, yo. Rodney reminds them about the Hive ship hovering in space, but no one cares anymore. Shep and Teyla are too busy strafing Wraith with their Awesome P-90s of Unlimited Ammo (because the plot calls for such conveniences). In fact, the Earth weapons are so awesome that squibs go off before Shep even aims his weapon at the goons (see: that one resurrected goon).

Because he's not known as Dr. Balls of Steel for nothing (at least in certain episodes, anyway), Carson bounces purposefully to the back of the Jumper, breaking out his Magickal Weapon of Awe-Inspiring Manliness. Not to be outdone, Rodney fights Carson for the weapon because he's obviously better equipped to handle the Macho Weapon of Doom than the good doctor. That, in case you need it spelled out for you, was s-a-r-c-a-s-m. Carson: "I'm going." Rodney: "No, I'm going." Carson: "No, I'm going." Rodney: "Me!" Carson: "I love Ronon more!" Rodney: "He's MY BFF!" Carson: "You suck!" Rodney: "And better than you!" Carson: "You're so immature. You can barely walk, and my ass has never been an enemy's target before. Well... except that one time with Lucius." Rodney: "Oh, STFU, Rambo." Gah! All my nicknames for everyone are getting mixed up and confusing the fuck out of me. I'm going to need to start keeping a list of all of them now. *head explodes*

Poll

While the two lovebirds argue over who's bigger, the Angry Puppy proves that, contrary to the visual evidence that unofficially anoints Shep as the holder of the title, HE IS, by systematically shredding through the current Wraith population. He does a lot of lip licking at the start of this scene, which is awesome, because he's learned from watching Shep that the Lip Lick of Yumminess? Totally drives fangirls insane. With a jump-twist and a loud, manly snarl, he utilizes a Max Payne move to dispatch three Wraith, barely breaking a sweat. Up in the safety of his Hive, King Mofo rars when his WraithTV shows Shep and Teyla also kicking the asses of his henchmen. Taking another scene right of out every Rambo/Matrix/SuperheroActionMovie ever made, Ronon blasts away the rest of the goons while using every one of the endless supply of guns stashed around his awesome body. In slow motion, of course, because my Guide to Watching the Same Rehashed Action Sequences tells me the slower the mo, the more action-y and awesome.

Anyway, as Carson and Rodney continue playing the I Love Ronon More game, Shep radios in that they're all done. The end. Carson: "Huh." Rodney: "Huh." They check the HUD because Shep likes to mindfuck them sometimes, and having confirmed that Team Sheppard is of the Amazing, Rodney is surprised at how efficient they are. From their Hallway of Death and Destruction, Shep proudly announces, "I got six. And Teyla got--" Taking her cue, Teyla matter of factly answers: "Eight." Discomfited by a GIRL kicking his ass in the Game of Wraith, Shep straightens up all manly-like and deepens his voice, amending the kill count. "I got nine. Teyla got eight. Ronon got the rest." Teyla: *eyes* AHAHAHAHA. Which is why Shep would NEVER be able to have a relationship with Teyla, because she would always make him feel inadequate. His poor ego would never permit him to let her win when his manhood is on the line. Especially in bed, which we all know Ronon lets her do sometimes when they're tussling in her quarters. Shep and Teyla are very much like Legolas and Gimli playing a game of I'm More Awesome Than You, which cracks me up to no end because somehow it's all very fitting: Shep has the right ears and Teyla is short and powerful enough to be a dwarf. But seriously, Sheppard/Teyla comedy is gold.

On WraithTV, the Angry Puppy heckles King Mofo. Um, okay, whatever. Drama much, Puppy?

Shep makes the Oh Noes, Puppy's Gone Cuckoo look as his lovable Angry Puppy threatens him, with an "If you kill that ugly bastard before I do, I kill you." Finding a loophole, Shep asks what happens if Angry Puppy gets his ass whupped first. Angry Puppy simply says, "Then you kill him." Shep makes the oookay face and exchanges looks with Teyla, who face-acts the sigh of This Will Most Likely End Badly. Off that, Shep makes another face to add to his ever popular and growing Collection of Cutest Facial Expressions EVER.

Showdown in the OK Sateda. A little time later, Ronon and his Metal Boobs of Awesome await the appearance of King Mofo. He beams down, mocking a "Come on, Puppy. Let's go. Come and get me." And then, because there's nary a chair in sight for kicking -- part of his pre-fight ritual -- Ronon goes crazy and starts spanking himself. Er, or something. I have no idea what the hell the Angry Puppy is doing. He decides on the offensive, pulling a tiny knife and running directly into King Mofo...which is his first mistake. Because really, Puppy, this is a WRAITH. Like they're going to play fair, and honestly, if I were in this situation, fuck honor and all that good stuff. I'd just pull out Belle and blast the dude away. After all, there's only four minutes of show left to go.

There's ass-whumping. Lots of ass-whumping. Mostly Ronon's. Ouch. Too bad we didn't see THAT coming in the midst of his slow-mo windup. No, wait. WE DID.

Shep and Teyla watch the proceedings from their rooftop perch. Ronon gets his ass kicked some more. Then as if he weren't being humiliated enough, King Mofo decides to pull his hair. If he starts using his nails, I'm outta here. Not impressed at all, Shep points out that he "can shoot him right now." Mmm, Sniper!Shep is HOT, and that has absolutely nothing to do with my kink for snipers. Except it does. Because Teyla knows how her man ticks more than Shep ever will (because SHE LOVES HIM), she warns Shep: "I wouldn't." The OOCness of Teyla's speech is really disturbing. WTF, WOMAN?! After watching Ronon get beaten silly for a few more minutes, Shep ponders a "You really think Ronon will kill me?" The oh so wise and perceptive Teyla remarks that "I think he wouldn't forgive you." ...crap. I was about to snark on something, but I'm braindead now. I cannot concentrate on anything because there is yet another use of contractions that jars me right out of this scene and makes me want to bang my head against the damn wall. Contractions: 592. Pooh's Brain: -4321.

Poll

Anyway, the Angry Puppy is mostly a Whumped Puppy. Shep isn't too concerned, thinking out loud that "I'd think he'd get over it." In a very un-Teyla-like statement -- as if the use of contractions didn't already clue us in that this is actually a Pod!Teyla; or rather, a Teyla who is so distraught by her lover's current predicament that she is now suffering from OOC verbal diarrhea -- glances up toward the sky, remarking that the "Hive has got to be watching. We shoot that Wraith; they blast us from space." Has got to be? Blast us from space? Are you kidding me? Teyla, it's like I don't even know you anymore. My head hurts just listening to you speak in this episode. Just when I've gotten used to translating Teyla-speak into normal people talk, they throw me a curveball like this one. Hateful.

It's actually kind of sad that our Testosterone!Puppy is getting his ass handed to him by the ugliest Wraith ever. Surely, this will bruise his ego more than just a bit. At least he knows he can still intimidate the crap out of Rodney. Just as King Mofo prepares to feast on the Satedan-Asian fusion delicacy known as Tenderized Moo Shu Angry Puppy, the Jumper thankfully de-cloaks before them. Dr. Balls of Steel rars a resolute, "If he doesn't like it, he can sue me" and concentrates on getting the weapons system to target the bad guy this time, instead of constantly aiming for Shep's hair. I mean, sure, the hair is the easiest target anywhere and probably even visible from space, but it's about time Carson got his internal visual guidance system fixed. Angry Puppy smugs a bloody-toothed, "I WIN AT REVENGE!" while King Mofo is all, "Huh?" And then Carson drills a drone right into King Mofo, sending him straight through a conveniently placed pyramid of those blue barrels. Ha and ha. Wraith goes KABOOM. Shep and Teyla race off the roof, scoop up their Angry Puppy, and hightail it into the waiting Jumper so they can bust a move out of the OK Sateda as the Hive ship starts firing at them from space. It kind of sucks that the Ancients knew how to make pretty technology but they knew nothing about horsepower and engines. Because the Jumper has absolutey NO PICKUP. It does maybe 0 to 60 in FIVE MINUTES. Granted, it's Rodney flying the damn thing, so...

Remember in "Misbegotten," when Rodney couldn't hit a giant, flying space barn with their stolen Hive ship's weapons system if his life depended on it (which it did)? Well, at least now he can be consoled by the fact that even the Wraith don't know how to use their OWN weapons targeting system, because seriously, they can't even hit the damn UNCLOAKED Jumper moving at SNAIL'S pace.

When they finally get the star map (aka Black Cloth Marked with Little White Dots) dropped in front of the Jumper's window to simulate Space, the Final Frontier, both Rodney and Carson rush to the back, ready for another round of verbal fisticuffs over who loves the Puppy the mostest. First, Carson checks that everyone is still alive and in one piece. Angry Puppy growls a "Which one of you killed the Wraith." To which both Rodney and Carson are all triumphant smiles. Carson claims the glory, but Rodney declares it was his idea. Hearing this, the Angry Puppy shoots off the bench, looking like he's ready to squash the both of them with his pinky. Shep watches, warily, because he's soooo glad he's not the target of the Puppy's wrath, but Teyla very sharply scolds the Puppy with a very MamaBearish: "RONON." Unspoken is the threat "if you hurt our doctor, you'll be sleeping on the couch for the rest of the season." The two geeks look ready to wet their pants, if they haven't done so already, but having understood the implicit threat of NO MORE SPANKY SEX, Ronon merely stands there and stares at Carson. I'm guessing this is an eyefuck, but I'm too tired from recapping to care. Carson's all, "You're not happy King Mofo is dead?" Shep quickly clears up the question of his manliness by revealing that Ronon "said he'd kill me if I shot him," which... really doesn't help his cause. As expected, Rodney passes the buck. Onto Carson. In a pleasant surprise, the Angry Puppy grabs Carson by the collar and yanks him into a fierce puppy hug. Everyone: "AWWWW." Carson gets two slash episodes in a row, proving that fandom was correct in declaring him the most slashable character on Atlantis, even if only barely. It's kind of adorable that Puppy loves him best.

Of course, Shep's shocked by this impulsive display of affection, seeing how even the stoic Angry Puppy has no issues expressing his feelings, but the expression is quickly replaced by something more akin to the Not Again With All the Boy Hugging look of vexation. Teyla smiles at seeing how successful her lessons in socializing the Puppy have been, but the other boys aren't quite as gleeful. Rodney and Shep bitch about how they could have been the object of Ronon's embrace, and seriously, it took me a long to time to be able to type that sentence without laughing my ass off and making a million typos. Shep whines an "I could have killed him at any time, but Teyla wouldn't let me." Teyla: *evil eye* Hee. Yeah, she's so not hitting that anymore OR EVER. Especially if she keeps giving him the You're Such an Immature BOY look. Then Ronon rubs down Rodney's chest. Yes, he did, which does not help because now the Rodney/Ronon and Carson/Ronon is tied once again. Lucky for us, Ronon still loves Teyla the best.

Off Ronon's grateful thanks, everyone: "Eh. It's our job." Shep needs to reassert his manhood now that Teyla's much more macho than he is; he scrunches up his face all pouty-like and puffs out his chest, pffting that "it's nothing really. I only killed 11...12 Wraith." Teyla rolls her eyes, and omg, I LOVE HER IN THIS EPISODE, EVEN WITH ALL THE FREAKY, BRAIN-JARRING POD!TEYLA CONTRACTIONS! Definitely like siblings, with Teyla being the older, wiser sister. I'm convinced if he's not an only child, then Shep's definitely the baby of the family. But that may just be me. Anyway, everyone ignores him because it's so obvious he's padding his own stats, and Carson turns his attention to the Puppy, ready to anesthetize him in order to get the tracking device out of him again. The Angry Puppy is steps ahead of him, bypassing the need for a sedative by clunking unconscious on the floor from exhaustion. Hee. Everyone omgs, but it's Teyla who goes to check on him first. Because she loves him. Carson is the next one on the floor. Because he loves him, too. And NO ONE can prove it otherwise.

Realizing that Rodney's just standing there, Shep asks sarcastically, "Who's flying the ship?" Rodney finger-porns himself: "Me." Shep: *the CUTEST HEAD TILT OF I Don't Think So* Rodney makes the "oh" face -- NOT to be confused with the O-Face, kthx! Properly chastised, he ducks back into the cockpit. Shep watches him go in disbelief, and the episode ends on the Jumper cloaking as they make their escape. Because surely, the Hive ship would have picked up their signal already and SHOT THEM DEAD. Of course, that's Logic, which does not exist in the Pegasus Galaxy. The end.

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