2x05 Condemned, part the second
( part one, it is here )
Woods That Are Totally Not The Same Woods As That Other Week, Even Though They Kinda Look Like Them. Sheppard stops, all spooked out that their escape was so easy. He orders everyone to stay close and -- sharp look at McKay -- stay quiet. McKay's all "what? WHAT!?" and taking offense until Teyla shushes him. Seriously. Herding cats. They get within view of the jumper, and notice some people lying in ambush with bows and arrows. Eldon's all "I didn't know! I swear!" Teyla hisses that they'll never be able to make it back to the jumper when the ambushers have their weapons. Ronon manlies, "We don't need weapons," and, er, dude, I get that you're all manly and shit, but if they SHOOT YOU enough times, your testosterone level doesn't really matter, now, does it? McKay adds that they're seriously outnumbered. I'd like to raise a point here -- why would the Dirty People allow them to escape and then try to ambush them at the jumper, unless they wanted them to get to the jumper safely and fix it before the ambush took place? Pooh keeps telling me to lay off the logic, but sometimes it kind of burns.
Anyway, Shep takes Ronon's side. "At least we have the element of surprise." Ronon shoots him a look and says he was "beginning to think [Shep] was afraid to fight." Shep doesn't throw down with him right there, though that would have been awesome, only snarks back: "No! I'm just naturally lazy." HEEEE! Oh, man, so much Sheppard!love. He goes on to say that he'll fight if he has to, and now they have to. There's a bit of back-and-forth about how long it'll take Rodney to fix the jumper, all "In a perfect world, two days," but now, 10 minutes. Heh. He has totally joined Zelenka's union, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. They make all kinds of plans about flanking and distracting and stuff, but then a Wraith dart flies overhead and all the Dirty People run away. Team Sheppard uses this opportunity to make a run for the jumper.
City of High Crimes Against Humanity And Fashion. Horribly Dressed Man approaches Team Weir with bad news: the rescue teams had to pull back because of a culling on the island. Lizzie looks duly horrified. Horribly Dressed Man, only slightly less oily than usual now that a crisis has arisen, nervously promises that they'll send rescue parties back in once the Wraith are gone, and hopes that Team Sheppard survives. Then he leaves to do whatever important stuff he has to do while prisoners are getting eaten. Marin stays behind for a moment and totally tries to eyefuck Lizzie. Er... what? Lizzie and Lorne exchange a Very Worried Look of OMFG, Our Boyfriends Could Totally Be Entrees Right Now, and then Lizzie stares after Marin and wonders what that portentous look could have been about.
Elsewhere in the City for the Fashionably Insane. Horribly Dressed Man pours a silver goblet of wine and apologies for being late, citing an "urgent matter that could ultimately benefit us both." He then hands the goblet to... A WRAITH! OMFG!! I love, love, love, love it!! Allow me to totally lose my cool recapper persona while I squee like the gibbering fangirl I am. I have been waiting for someone to collaborate with the Wraith because I love me some alien politicking, and it's even the character I named in the style of X-Files alien collaborators! The Wraith drinks the wine, and I wonder in delighted horror if it might be BLOOD.
After the commercials, the Wraith out-creeps Horribly Dressed Man and talks about how the wine is his "favorite vintage yet." OOOH. Now I really hope it's blood! They're seated across a table full of actual food, which Horribly Dressed Man offers him, promising that his new chef is "quite accomplished." The Wraith, dressed all in a rather neatly tailored black, "certainly [hopes] so," because the previous chef was "far more appetizing than the meals he prepared." The Wraith chokes back a morsel of something in a gagging way reminiscent of the Unas and, really, probably the only way for anyone to eat anything with a mouthful of a billion vestigial teeth that serve no real purpose now that the Wraith eat with their hands. Horribly Dressed Man nearly gags himself. The Wraith goes on to explain how very cultured he is with a knife and fork: "Our lineage may have diverged, but there are those of us who still retain an appreciation for finer things." Depth! Our villains are getting DEPTH! Oh, thank God. Apparently food is a thing of pleasure for the Wraith, but can't actually sustain them. ["Kind of like me and the Shep!pants." -- Pooh]
The Wraith Lestat gets up. "This arrangement I have made with you and your predecessors has served both of us well," he gets out rather delicately around all his teeth. Horribly Dressed Man twitches out of both fear and disgust. The Wraith Lestat explains that, while all the other Wraith have to hibernate to wait for their human herds to be fruitful and multiply, the penal colony offers Lestat a steady stream of humans that taste like chicken defiance, mmm. I don't completely understand the logic of this, because I'd think he could've just picked a planet to keep in the fridge for himself, penal colony or no penal colony, if he didn't want to hibernate... but I do like the idea that the Wraith don't entirely move As One, despite their mental connection. I'm also willing to go with the idea that this particular Wraith, so attached to fine cuisine and culture as he is, might be okay with the humans rising up out of squalor. Like, it's okay if they develop technology that could be used against the Wraith someday as long as they throw really nice dinner parties.
Lestat reminds Horribly Dressed Man of his part of the Faustian bargain (by which he gets to remain un-nibbled-upon) and reminds us all of the general plot of the series so far (too many Wraith awake to sustain, people getting eaten everywhere, hunger, etc.). Despite Horribly Dressed Man's "measures," the population on the island is not enough. Wraith Lestat is all "Others of my kind would have destroyed your entire planet," and then he DROOLS ON THE TABLE MID-THREAT. EW! But a really fabulous touch. "But I am more civilized than that." Further proof that Civilized = Evil. This is very much the plot of "Beneath The Surface", with a civilized society honking off the Earthlings by imprisoning people unjustly to benefit the civilized half of the society, except with the special Atlantis twist of people being eaten. It's a formula that seems to work well for this series. Well, that, and the suspicion of casual sex happening in storage closets off-screen all the time. Drooly Wraith Lestat civilizes that it's Horribly Dressed Man's job to decide on whom the Wraith will feed, because Lestat has a quota to make. Horribly Dressed Man turns bright purple and swears that their "needs will be met." The thing is: this guy is in a totally sucky position. It's been established that, in Pegasus, no one can really avoid the Wraith, and yes, he's trying to save himself, but he's also trying to preserve his society. It kind of sucks for the Earthlings to throw morality around after only spending a year here, but that is what they do best, and I suppose we should all be playing to our strengths.
Broke-Ass Puddle-Jumper. A Wraith dart zooms overhead, and Ronon hobbles inside in his assless chaps (what was the quartermaster smoking, really?) to report that it has gone back through the 'gate. Teyla wants to know why it came and went without culling anyone. Ronon suggests that maybe it did its culling in the city, since it headed for the mainland when it arrived. Shep harrasses McKay doing his fix-it thing under the dashboard, who tells him that the work is going "slower than [he] expected, but faster than humanly possible." Ha! McKay, we love you! Shep suggests that maybe Rodney could activate the cloaking device too while he's down there. Give John an inch and he tries for a mile. (Insert your own Sparky!pr0n here.) McKay takes time out for some snark: "Okay, and how 'bout a snack? Maybe you'd like me to make you a nice sandwich?" Seriously, the word 'sandwich' is inherently funny after a year of watching this show. Shep: "Only if it's humanly possible." McKay rattles out the unfortunate truth: it's highly unlikely he can get it to work at all, and if he does, it'll be intermittent in a way that will probably forward the plot. Shep nags about Dirty Larry and company returning with all of their weapons now that the Wraith are gone. Shep is really, really hot in this scene. Dirt and worry make a good look for him.
Museum of Bad Art. Weir and Lorne pace around, exchanging worried looks of Our Boyfriends Are Totally Screwed. On the wall behind them is a giant mural depicting some sort of cross between a landscape and a fried egg. I can't explain it any better than that, but I'm pretty sure we won't suffer culturally for not forging an alliance with these people. Marin slips into the room and demands to speak in confidence. "You should leave. As soon as possible." Lorne saunters up all, "why?" and Marin, looking very pale and shaken, says that Horribly Dressed Man has overruled her and recalled the rescue teams. She then says there have been a number of arrests in the city for "unspecified crimes" in order to increase the island population. Eep! Apparently she's known about this for quite a while, but now that it's escalating, she can't stand it anymore and needs to speak out.
Horribly Dressed Man and an entourage of less-horribly-dressed security guards bust in. There is dramatic tension, smarmy lying, and Marin getting arrested. She begs for help as she's dragged away. Lizzie is unpleased and, ever a fan of due process even though Marin just revealed state secrets to a foreign power about two seconds ago, demands to know what crime she could possibly have committed. Horribly Dressed Man: Marin has been spinning lies, sedition, treason, etc. Lizzie: Eyebrow. Then Lizzie unembroils herself from the internal political mess, and gets back to the point: "Did you or did you not rescind the order to send rescue teams back to the island?" He's all "Buh? Why would I do that?" Lizzie: "That doesn't concern me. My first concern is for the safety of my people, and I promise you-" He cuts off her threat with some weaselly assurances, but, omfg! I LOVE LIZZIE! I love it when she's pissed as hell and well-spoken and looking like she could totally rip out a man's throat with her evil death glare alone. She's also really, really nicely lit, and looks totally stunning. I can totally see Lorne giving Shep the thumbs-up on his choice of females after this episode is over.
Okay. Horribly Dressed Man blames Marin for "any delays," and then Lorne and Weir badger him until he admits that, well, she'll receive a fair trial and then be sent to the island to be eaten by the Wraith. Lorne and Lizzie make a totally awesome power team of bitchy negotiations. I mean that in a totally non-'shippy way, too, I just trust him to watch her ass. Again, in a non-'shippy way. Horribly Dressed Man gets all shirty about the Earthlings holier-than-thou-ing around their poorly decorated city, and says that, hey, treason is a serious offense, blah, blah, welfare of the people, etc. Elizabeth Queen Bitches: "Are you sure it's the welfare of the people that concerns you? Or just your own?"
Horribly Dressed Man: "Choose your words very carefully, Doctor Weir."
Lizzie: "Oh, I do. Why, is that a threat?"
Horribly Dressed Man: "It's advice. From one ally to another."
So, naturally, Lizzie tells him where he can shove their alliance and declares that they're leaving. Horribly Dressed Man makes subtle nodding motions at his entourage, and Lizzie makes an "oh no you di-in't!" face, which rocks. "You plan to arrest us too? Because you do not want to do that." Behind her, Lorne and the Marines raise their P-90s and get all threatening. Is it just me, or was it kind of stupid for the horribly dressed people not to disarm their visitors? Lizzie and the Horribly Dressed Man have an exchange of glances that's totally an acknowledgement that her balls are bigger than his. "But fashion has changed!" he pleads. "No, it hasn't," she snaps, and then Lizzie marches her soldier-boys on out of the room.
Something interesting about that particular scene of Lizzie Being Awesome is that she was very much being awesome in a Sheppard way. I mean... she totally gets some of her power in the scene, especially at the end, by having big men with big guns behind her. She seems completely comfortable with that, which is new for her. The show of force is very much the Sheppard School of Negotiation, and it reminds me a bit of the end of "Underground." However... if she hadn't had those big men and big guns, she probably would have been exactly that blunt anyway, since she told off the Genii in "Siege II," and tends to be the most hardcore when she's all alone -- I'm thinking of "Before I Sleep" and "Siege II" -- so it's not a matter of whether or not she can be tough without guns to back her up. In this episode we get to see Shep playing the diplomat a little and being the one with the moral reservations -- usually Lizzie's thing -- and she gets to fight it out with aliens about whose gun is bigger. Who knew job skills were sexually transmitted?
Slightly Less Broke-Ass Puddle-Jumper, But Still Broken. Ronon sees Dirty People on the horizon, and says, "Party's over." Excuse me!? What the hell planet did this alien come from? Planet California? Shut up, Ronon. The grand plan is that Shep, Ronon and Teyla will hold off the Dirty People, while McKay and Eldon will fix the DHD in two minutes or less and make a run for the Stargate. Sandwiches to follow. Our Intrepid Heroes root around in some underbrush for weapons, and Teyla snaps a branch over her knee to make some nice fighting sticks for herself. Yay! Sticks! Shep grabs a thicker branch and tries to do the same, and both can't break it and hurts his knee. HA! Brilliant! He changes his mind, grabs the nearest branch, and goes for the billy club approach. Ronon is too manly for sticks at all.
Fight! Fightfightfight! Sheppard beats the first guy he comes across with his nightstick and then proceeds to club around with fists. He gets punched in the face at least once. Is it really wrong that I'm excited about bruises for Lizzie to notice and/or tend to? Teyla starts her fight by tapping some dude on the shoulder, which is adorable, before she smacks him upside the head. She then whips her sticks around and KICKS ASS! She also fights hand-to-hand at a closer distance, which makes me think of Ford. We saw a few of these moves in "Runner," and he totally taught them to her in a hot-and-heavy sparring sequence of awesome that I'm really quite pissed that we didn't get to see. FOOOOOOORD!! Ronon beats two people up at once with his bare hands, as real men do. The quality of the film makes me think they definitely sped the whole fight sequence up, but man, it looks hot. Shep's bit, especially, looks like a real slugfight, and Teyla and Ronon are one serious lean, mean, asskicking machine. I think I have a crush on the fight choreographer. Sadly, machine guns still win over sticks and testosterone, so the fun comes to an end when Our Heroes are ordered to stand down or be shot. Over in the puddle-jumper, McKay announces success as power whirs, only to be interrupted by Dirty Larry smugging that he knew McKay could do it.
Commercials of GREAT SUSPENSE!
Fade up to Dirty Larry pointing a gun at the back of Ronon's head. Teyla, Shep, and Eldon are kneeling on the ground with their hands up. McKay's all "No! Nononono!" and offers to dial the 'gate to any one of the hundreds of "suitable planets" out there. Dirty Larry, who is all into the McKay Psychoanalysis (I suppose psychology isn't the strangest hobby for a serial killer), suspects that McKay could send him to an unsuitable planet instead. McKay adorably stammers in a way that shows he really probably didn't think of sending them to an unsuitable planet: "Yeah, but I won't send you to one of those." Dirty Larry wants to go to Atlantis and steal himself some puddle-jumpers instead. Shep's not having it. "Forget it. We'll dial you another address, you can go through, but we're not taking you home." Larry's all, "You know we've got guns pointed at you, right?" and Shep's all "Yeah, well, you're going to kill us whether we take you home or not, so it kind of sucks for us either way and we'd prefer to piss you off a bit before we die." Protect Atlantis! Protect Lizzie! Dirty Larry psychoanalyzes Shep now, and determines that he's "very distrustful." I'd really like to let a fic bunny about Shep being distrustful in slightly Sparkier situations take hold, but we are interrupted by a giant flying triangle of Wraithly doom. Everyone stands around and stares.
Puddle Jumper of Nyah, Nyah, Our Puddle Jumper Actually Works, mid-flight over the ocean. Lorne helpfully identifies a "Wraith cruiser headed for the island, and several more on approach outside the atmosphere." Lizzie orders stealth mode and says, "Let's find our guys before they do." I cheer loudly. Yay!! Because she says "guys" and not "people," we could make a case here that she's specifically talking about Sheppard and McKay (since she and Lorne have been chilling out in the Trading Spaces nightmare of a city and dishing about their trouble-prone boyfriends), but really, I just love hearing her say "guys." She's cute when she's colloquial.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Ronon uses the distraction to steal back Belle! Yay! Ronon/Belle OTP! He then whips her around all cowboy and points her at Dirty Larry's head. Shep tries to get everyone to calm the heck down and orders McKay to dial the 'gate. Shep asks Dirty Larry the following: "If all the prisoners get off this island, where do you think that ship'll go?" I'm not sure if he's using that as a reason for the prisoners not to leave, or for them to leave. Either way, I'm thinking that self-preservation is a much higher priority for Dirty Larry than either saving or obliterating the Bad Taste Metropolis from whence they came. Doesn't matter, either, because the DHD has lost power again. There's some flailing and freaking out between Shep and McKay about just how much it doesn't work and how they lost their window of opportunity by stupidly standing around being held hostage and what-not. Dirty Larry, who has easily banded together with Team Sheppard now that the Wraith are a common enemy, suggests they shoot it down. Teyla says nothing they have will damage it. Shep thinks of the drones in the jumper, McKay manages to get power to a single drone, and Shep manages to hit the cruiser. Go Team Sheppard! "That's either going to buy us time or piss them off," Shep observes.
Suddenly, Dirty Larry's pants start talking. McKay's all "Doctor Weir?", which he never really calls her, but we'll forgive it since her voice is coming out of a convict's pants, and that's confusing. Dirty Larry still has one of their radios in his pocket, and Elizabeth is expositing that the one cruiser they hit is leaving, but that others are still incoming. I imagine that she has tried to contact them by radio numerous times since arriving on the planet and got no response, so it's especially nice that she keeps trying. Sheppard rushes at Dirty Larry with a Very Intense Look of OMFG, Let Me Talk To My Girlfriend Now, Please. Dirty Larry, always the romantic, hands over the radio. Shep's all "Elizabeth, where are you?" and, in the other jumper, Elizabeth gets a totally giddy look because Shep hasn't been eaten yet. It's almost a shout-out to the whole "it's good to hear your voice!" moment from "The Eye." Sparky is radio love! SQUEEEE! ["Eyefucking! Radiofucking! They do it ALL WAYS!" -- Pooh]
Shep orders her to dial the 'gate to one of the "backup planets to the Alpha Site." (The closed captioning, by the way, cuts off his request at "Elizabeth, I need you" -- their love is so closed-captioned!) I love that she takes his orders in the field without asking questions. Sheppard tells the prisoners that this is their chance to leave, and the cast of Braveheart books it for the Stargate. Dirty Larry is still suspicious. Shep: "You wanna stay? Stay. I really don't give a damn, but you are not coming home with us." Eldon raises his hand all "but, but you said, and, er, I can make slingshots!" Shep waves him down all "Sure, fine, whatever." Man, I hope he doesn't turn into another Nyan who we will never, ever see again. However, he is really annoying, so that might not be so bad. Dirty Larry salutes Shep and takes off, keeping the P-90. Shep orders Elizabeth to keep the 'gate open until all the prisoners go through, then dial Atlantis. She wants to land and pick them up, but Shep wants her jumper to remain undetected (chivalry is NOT DEAD!). Team Weir is to stay cloaked until the Wraith are gone and Team Sheppard will make it to the 'gate on foot. "Acknowledged," says Lizzie. They work well together, and somehow manage to have serious chemistry without actually being on the same set at all during this entire episode.
Poll
Random people running. Running running running. Then, Lizzie, on the radio: "We're dialing. Head for the 'gate."
Running by people we actually know. Two cruisers are in the air, and one chases them down by firing on either side of the path they're running on. It totally seems like they went to the Goa'uld School of Targeting, but the Wraith might actually be intentionally missing them, since they have a good reason to keep them alive and probably just want to knock them down or scare them enough to stop them until they can scoop them up with the slurpy-beam. I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, anyway, though I nitpick the existance of a path to the Stargate, since no one on this planet uses it and the Wraith come through in ships. Whatever. Team Sheppard does some flying leaps through the 'gate that will totally smart on the other end. "They're through!" Lorne announces right as a fireball explodes in front of the Stargate. Lizzie collapses back in her chair and looks like she can't breathe. My love for her knows no bounds.
Off-screen, Shep will hang around in the control room shooing away Beckett's attempt to doctor his various war wounds and be All Nervous until Lizzie's ship finally returns. Then she will hover while he gets checked out in the infirmary, he'll thank her for saving his ass, she'll ask whether this means they're even now, he'll make fun of her for screwing up the negotiations this time, she'll point out that they're definitely still not even on that one, and then Beckett will kick them out of the infirmary to go have sex because he just can't take it anymore. The end!
Not quite the end. Actually on the TV, the Wraith cruiser heads for the Olesian City of Bad Taste, and the show ends on a shot of Horribly Dressed Man with his hand clapped over his mouth in horror, about to meet his maker and explain why he truly thought that a tiger-printed dress was an appropriate fashion statement for a man of his build. It seemed kind of like cartoon horror the first time I watched it, but on the second watch-through, man. His expression is chill-inducing. The whole situation is remarkably horrific, and a seriously unhappy ending to an otherwise... happy ending. I mean, even Marin is totally going to be eaten, and she had a moral reformation! Noooooooo!! Bad Wraith!
Poll
Next week: Artfully overexposed promos, in the film style of the BSG Caprica scenes, show Lizzie looking unbelievably sexed and hot, and some sort of nonspecified plot disaster which may or may not have to do with the not!naquadah of this episode, and mspooh's turn to recap!
Woods That Are Totally Not The Same Woods As That Other Week, Even Though They Kinda Look Like Them. Sheppard stops, all spooked out that their escape was so easy. He orders everyone to stay close and -- sharp look at McKay -- stay quiet. McKay's all "what? WHAT!?" and taking offense until Teyla shushes him. Seriously. Herding cats. They get within view of the jumper, and notice some people lying in ambush with bows and arrows. Eldon's all "I didn't know! I swear!" Teyla hisses that they'll never be able to make it back to the jumper when the ambushers have their weapons. Ronon manlies, "We don't need weapons," and, er, dude, I get that you're all manly and shit, but if they SHOOT YOU enough times, your testosterone level doesn't really matter, now, does it? McKay adds that they're seriously outnumbered. I'd like to raise a point here -- why would the Dirty People allow them to escape and then try to ambush them at the jumper, unless they wanted them to get to the jumper safely and fix it before the ambush took place? Pooh keeps telling me to lay off the logic, but sometimes it kind of burns.
Anyway, Shep takes Ronon's side. "At least we have the element of surprise." Ronon shoots him a look and says he was "beginning to think [Shep] was afraid to fight." Shep doesn't throw down with him right there, though that would have been awesome, only snarks back: "No! I'm just naturally lazy." HEEEE! Oh, man, so much Sheppard!love. He goes on to say that he'll fight if he has to, and now they have to. There's a bit of back-and-forth about how long it'll take Rodney to fix the jumper, all "In a perfect world, two days," but now, 10 minutes. Heh. He has totally joined Zelenka's union, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. They make all kinds of plans about flanking and distracting and stuff, but then a Wraith dart flies overhead and all the Dirty People run away. Team Sheppard uses this opportunity to make a run for the jumper.
City of High Crimes Against Humanity And Fashion. Horribly Dressed Man approaches Team Weir with bad news: the rescue teams had to pull back because of a culling on the island. Lizzie looks duly horrified. Horribly Dressed Man, only slightly less oily than usual now that a crisis has arisen, nervously promises that they'll send rescue parties back in once the Wraith are gone, and hopes that Team Sheppard survives. Then he leaves to do whatever important stuff he has to do while prisoners are getting eaten. Marin stays behind for a moment and totally tries to eyefuck Lizzie. Er... what? Lizzie and Lorne exchange a Very Worried Look of OMFG, Our Boyfriends Could Totally Be Entrees Right Now, and then Lizzie stares after Marin and wonders what that portentous look could have been about.
Elsewhere in the City for the Fashionably Insane. Horribly Dressed Man pours a silver goblet of wine and apologies for being late, citing an "urgent matter that could ultimately benefit us both." He then hands the goblet to... A WRAITH! OMFG!! I love, love, love, love it!! Allow me to totally lose my cool recapper persona while I squee like the gibbering fangirl I am. I have been waiting for someone to collaborate with the Wraith because I love me some alien politicking, and it's even the character I named in the style of X-Files alien collaborators! The Wraith drinks the wine, and I wonder in delighted horror if it might be BLOOD.
After the commercials, the Wraith out-creeps Horribly Dressed Man and talks about how the wine is his "favorite vintage yet." OOOH. Now I really hope it's blood! They're seated across a table full of actual food, which Horribly Dressed Man offers him, promising that his new chef is "quite accomplished." The Wraith, dressed all in a rather neatly tailored black, "certainly [hopes] so," because the previous chef was "far more appetizing than the meals he prepared." The Wraith chokes back a morsel of something in a gagging way reminiscent of the Unas and, really, probably the only way for anyone to eat anything with a mouthful of a billion vestigial teeth that serve no real purpose now that the Wraith eat with their hands. Horribly Dressed Man nearly gags himself. The Wraith goes on to explain how very cultured he is with a knife and fork: "Our lineage may have diverged, but there are those of us who still retain an appreciation for finer things." Depth! Our villains are getting DEPTH! Oh, thank God. Apparently food is a thing of pleasure for the Wraith, but can't actually sustain them. ["Kind of like me and the Shep!pants." -- Pooh]
The Wraith Lestat gets up. "This arrangement I have made with you and your predecessors has served both of us well," he gets out rather delicately around all his teeth. Horribly Dressed Man twitches out of both fear and disgust. The Wraith Lestat explains that, while all the other Wraith have to hibernate to wait for their human herds to be fruitful and multiply, the penal colony offers Lestat a steady stream of humans that taste like chicken defiance, mmm. I don't completely understand the logic of this, because I'd think he could've just picked a planet to keep in the fridge for himself, penal colony or no penal colony, if he didn't want to hibernate... but I do like the idea that the Wraith don't entirely move As One, despite their mental connection. I'm also willing to go with the idea that this particular Wraith, so attached to fine cuisine and culture as he is, might be okay with the humans rising up out of squalor. Like, it's okay if they develop technology that could be used against the Wraith someday as long as they throw really nice dinner parties.
Lestat reminds Horribly Dressed Man of his part of the Faustian bargain (by which he gets to remain un-nibbled-upon) and reminds us all of the general plot of the series so far (too many Wraith awake to sustain, people getting eaten everywhere, hunger, etc.). Despite Horribly Dressed Man's "measures," the population on the island is not enough. Wraith Lestat is all "Others of my kind would have destroyed your entire planet," and then he DROOLS ON THE TABLE MID-THREAT. EW! But a really fabulous touch. "But I am more civilized than that." Further proof that Civilized = Evil. This is very much the plot of "Beneath The Surface", with a civilized society honking off the Earthlings by imprisoning people unjustly to benefit the civilized half of the society, except with the special Atlantis twist of people being eaten. It's a formula that seems to work well for this series. Well, that, and the suspicion of casual sex happening in storage closets off-screen all the time. Drooly Wraith Lestat civilizes that it's Horribly Dressed Man's job to decide on whom the Wraith will feed, because Lestat has a quota to make. Horribly Dressed Man turns bright purple and swears that their "needs will be met." The thing is: this guy is in a totally sucky position. It's been established that, in Pegasus, no one can really avoid the Wraith, and yes, he's trying to save himself, but he's also trying to preserve his society. It kind of sucks for the Earthlings to throw morality around after only spending a year here, but that is what they do best, and I suppose we should all be playing to our strengths.
Broke-Ass Puddle-Jumper. A Wraith dart zooms overhead, and Ronon hobbles inside in his assless chaps (what was the quartermaster smoking, really?) to report that it has gone back through the 'gate. Teyla wants to know why it came and went without culling anyone. Ronon suggests that maybe it did its culling in the city, since it headed for the mainland when it arrived. Shep harrasses McKay doing his fix-it thing under the dashboard, who tells him that the work is going "slower than [he] expected, but faster than humanly possible." Ha! McKay, we love you! Shep suggests that maybe Rodney could activate the cloaking device too while he's down there. Give John an inch and he tries for a mile. (Insert your own Sparky!pr0n here.) McKay takes time out for some snark: "Okay, and how 'bout a snack? Maybe you'd like me to make you a nice sandwich?" Seriously, the word 'sandwich' is inherently funny after a year of watching this show. Shep: "Only if it's humanly possible." McKay rattles out the unfortunate truth: it's highly unlikely he can get it to work at all, and if he does, it'll be intermittent in a way that will probably forward the plot. Shep nags about Dirty Larry and company returning with all of their weapons now that the Wraith are gone. Shep is really, really hot in this scene. Dirt and worry make a good look for him.
Museum of Bad Art. Weir and Lorne pace around, exchanging worried looks of Our Boyfriends Are Totally Screwed. On the wall behind them is a giant mural depicting some sort of cross between a landscape and a fried egg. I can't explain it any better than that, but I'm pretty sure we won't suffer culturally for not forging an alliance with these people. Marin slips into the room and demands to speak in confidence. "You should leave. As soon as possible." Lorne saunters up all, "why?" and Marin, looking very pale and shaken, says that Horribly Dressed Man has overruled her and recalled the rescue teams. She then says there have been a number of arrests in the city for "unspecified crimes" in order to increase the island population. Eep! Apparently she's known about this for quite a while, but now that it's escalating, she can't stand it anymore and needs to speak out.
Horribly Dressed Man and an entourage of less-horribly-dressed security guards bust in. There is dramatic tension, smarmy lying, and Marin getting arrested. She begs for help as she's dragged away. Lizzie is unpleased and, ever a fan of due process even though Marin just revealed state secrets to a foreign power about two seconds ago, demands to know what crime she could possibly have committed. Horribly Dressed Man: Marin has been spinning lies, sedition, treason, etc. Lizzie: Eyebrow. Then Lizzie unembroils herself from the internal political mess, and gets back to the point: "Did you or did you not rescind the order to send rescue teams back to the island?" He's all "Buh? Why would I do that?" Lizzie: "That doesn't concern me. My first concern is for the safety of my people, and I promise you-" He cuts off her threat with some weaselly assurances, but, omfg! I LOVE LIZZIE! I love it when she's pissed as hell and well-spoken and looking like she could totally rip out a man's throat with her evil death glare alone. She's also really, really nicely lit, and looks totally stunning. I can totally see Lorne giving Shep the thumbs-up on his choice of females after this episode is over.
Okay. Horribly Dressed Man blames Marin for "any delays," and then Lorne and Weir badger him until he admits that, well, she'll receive a fair trial and then be sent to the island to be eaten by the Wraith. Lorne and Lizzie make a totally awesome power team of bitchy negotiations. I mean that in a totally non-'shippy way, too, I just trust him to watch her ass. Again, in a non-'shippy way. Horribly Dressed Man gets all shirty about the Earthlings holier-than-thou-ing around their poorly decorated city, and says that, hey, treason is a serious offense, blah, blah, welfare of the people, etc. Elizabeth Queen Bitches: "Are you sure it's the welfare of the people that concerns you? Or just your own?"
Horribly Dressed Man: "Choose your words very carefully, Doctor Weir."
Lizzie: "Oh, I do. Why, is that a threat?"
Horribly Dressed Man: "It's advice. From one ally to another."
So, naturally, Lizzie tells him where he can shove their alliance and declares that they're leaving. Horribly Dressed Man makes subtle nodding motions at his entourage, and Lizzie makes an "oh no you di-in't!" face, which rocks. "You plan to arrest us too? Because you do not want to do that." Behind her, Lorne and the Marines raise their P-90s and get all threatening. Is it just me, or was it kind of stupid for the horribly dressed people not to disarm their visitors? Lizzie and the Horribly Dressed Man have an exchange of glances that's totally an acknowledgement that her balls are bigger than his. "But fashion has changed!" he pleads. "No, it hasn't," she snaps, and then Lizzie marches her soldier-boys on out of the room.
Something interesting about that particular scene of Lizzie Being Awesome is that she was very much being awesome in a Sheppard way. I mean... she totally gets some of her power in the scene, especially at the end, by having big men with big guns behind her. She seems completely comfortable with that, which is new for her. The show of force is very much the Sheppard School of Negotiation, and it reminds me a bit of the end of "Underground." However... if she hadn't had those big men and big guns, she probably would have been exactly that blunt anyway, since she told off the Genii in "Siege II," and tends to be the most hardcore when she's all alone -- I'm thinking of "Before I Sleep" and "Siege II" -- so it's not a matter of whether or not she can be tough without guns to back her up. In this episode we get to see Shep playing the diplomat a little and being the one with the moral reservations -- usually Lizzie's thing -- and she gets to fight it out with aliens about whose gun is bigger. Who knew job skills were sexually transmitted?
Slightly Less Broke-Ass Puddle-Jumper, But Still Broken. Ronon sees Dirty People on the horizon, and says, "Party's over." Excuse me!? What the hell planet did this alien come from? Planet California? Shut up, Ronon. The grand plan is that Shep, Ronon and Teyla will hold off the Dirty People, while McKay and Eldon will fix the DHD in two minutes or less and make a run for the Stargate. Sandwiches to follow. Our Intrepid Heroes root around in some underbrush for weapons, and Teyla snaps a branch over her knee to make some nice fighting sticks for herself. Yay! Sticks! Shep grabs a thicker branch and tries to do the same, and both can't break it and hurts his knee. HA! Brilliant! He changes his mind, grabs the nearest branch, and goes for the billy club approach. Ronon is too manly for sticks at all.
Fight! Fightfightfight! Sheppard beats the first guy he comes across with his nightstick and then proceeds to club around with fists. He gets punched in the face at least once. Is it really wrong that I'm excited about bruises for Lizzie to notice and/or tend to? Teyla starts her fight by tapping some dude on the shoulder, which is adorable, before she smacks him upside the head. She then whips her sticks around and KICKS ASS! She also fights hand-to-hand at a closer distance, which makes me think of Ford. We saw a few of these moves in "Runner," and he totally taught them to her in a hot-and-heavy sparring sequence of awesome that I'm really quite pissed that we didn't get to see. FOOOOOOORD!! Ronon beats two people up at once with his bare hands, as real men do. The quality of the film makes me think they definitely sped the whole fight sequence up, but man, it looks hot. Shep's bit, especially, looks like a real slugfight, and Teyla and Ronon are one serious lean, mean, asskicking machine. I think I have a crush on the fight choreographer. Sadly, machine guns still win over sticks and testosterone, so the fun comes to an end when Our Heroes are ordered to stand down or be shot. Over in the puddle-jumper, McKay announces success as power whirs, only to be interrupted by Dirty Larry smugging that he knew McKay could do it.
Commercials of GREAT SUSPENSE!
Fade up to Dirty Larry pointing a gun at the back of Ronon's head. Teyla, Shep, and Eldon are kneeling on the ground with their hands up. McKay's all "No! Nononono!" and offers to dial the 'gate to any one of the hundreds of "suitable planets" out there. Dirty Larry, who is all into the McKay Psychoanalysis (I suppose psychology isn't the strangest hobby for a serial killer), suspects that McKay could send him to an unsuitable planet instead. McKay adorably stammers in a way that shows he really probably didn't think of sending them to an unsuitable planet: "Yeah, but I won't send you to one of those." Dirty Larry wants to go to Atlantis and steal himself some puddle-jumpers instead. Shep's not having it. "Forget it. We'll dial you another address, you can go through, but we're not taking you home." Larry's all, "You know we've got guns pointed at you, right?" and Shep's all "Yeah, well, you're going to kill us whether we take you home or not, so it kind of sucks for us either way and we'd prefer to piss you off a bit before we die." Protect Atlantis! Protect Lizzie! Dirty Larry psychoanalyzes Shep now, and determines that he's "very distrustful." I'd really like to let a fic bunny about Shep being distrustful in slightly Sparkier situations take hold, but we are interrupted by a giant flying triangle of Wraithly doom. Everyone stands around and stares.
Puddle Jumper of Nyah, Nyah, Our Puddle Jumper Actually Works, mid-flight over the ocean. Lorne helpfully identifies a "Wraith cruiser headed for the island, and several more on approach outside the atmosphere." Lizzie orders stealth mode and says, "Let's find our guys before they do." I cheer loudly. Yay!! Because she says "guys" and not "people," we could make a case here that she's specifically talking about Sheppard and McKay (since she and Lorne have been chilling out in the Trading Spaces nightmare of a city and dishing about their trouble-prone boyfriends), but really, I just love hearing her say "guys." She's cute when she's colloquial.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Ronon uses the distraction to steal back Belle! Yay! Ronon/Belle OTP! He then whips her around all cowboy and points her at Dirty Larry's head. Shep tries to get everyone to calm the heck down and orders McKay to dial the 'gate. Shep asks Dirty Larry the following: "If all the prisoners get off this island, where do you think that ship'll go?" I'm not sure if he's using that as a reason for the prisoners not to leave, or for them to leave. Either way, I'm thinking that self-preservation is a much higher priority for Dirty Larry than either saving or obliterating the Bad Taste Metropolis from whence they came. Doesn't matter, either, because the DHD has lost power again. There's some flailing and freaking out between Shep and McKay about just how much it doesn't work and how they lost their window of opportunity by stupidly standing around being held hostage and what-not. Dirty Larry, who has easily banded together with Team Sheppard now that the Wraith are a common enemy, suggests they shoot it down. Teyla says nothing they have will damage it. Shep thinks of the drones in the jumper, McKay manages to get power to a single drone, and Shep manages to hit the cruiser. Go Team Sheppard! "That's either going to buy us time or piss them off," Shep observes.
Suddenly, Dirty Larry's pants start talking. McKay's all "Doctor Weir?", which he never really calls her, but we'll forgive it since her voice is coming out of a convict's pants, and that's confusing. Dirty Larry still has one of their radios in his pocket, and Elizabeth is expositing that the one cruiser they hit is leaving, but that others are still incoming. I imagine that she has tried to contact them by radio numerous times since arriving on the planet and got no response, so it's especially nice that she keeps trying. Sheppard rushes at Dirty Larry with a Very Intense Look of OMFG, Let Me Talk To My Girlfriend Now, Please. Dirty Larry, always the romantic, hands over the radio. Shep's all "Elizabeth, where are you?" and, in the other jumper, Elizabeth gets a totally giddy look because Shep hasn't been eaten yet. It's almost a shout-out to the whole "it's good to hear your voice!" moment from "The Eye." Sparky is radio love! SQUEEEE! ["Eyefucking! Radiofucking! They do it ALL WAYS!" -- Pooh]
Shep orders her to dial the 'gate to one of the "backup planets to the Alpha Site." (The closed captioning, by the way, cuts off his request at "Elizabeth, I need you" -- their love is so closed-captioned!) I love that she takes his orders in the field without asking questions. Sheppard tells the prisoners that this is their chance to leave, and the cast of Braveheart books it for the Stargate. Dirty Larry is still suspicious. Shep: "You wanna stay? Stay. I really don't give a damn, but you are not coming home with us." Eldon raises his hand all "but, but you said, and, er, I can make slingshots!" Shep waves him down all "Sure, fine, whatever." Man, I hope he doesn't turn into another Nyan who we will never, ever see again. However, he is really annoying, so that might not be so bad. Dirty Larry salutes Shep and takes off, keeping the P-90. Shep orders Elizabeth to keep the 'gate open until all the prisoners go through, then dial Atlantis. She wants to land and pick them up, but Shep wants her jumper to remain undetected (chivalry is NOT DEAD!). Team Weir is to stay cloaked until the Wraith are gone and Team Sheppard will make it to the 'gate on foot. "Acknowledged," says Lizzie. They work well together, and somehow manage to have serious chemistry without actually being on the same set at all during this entire episode.
Poll
Random people running. Running running running. Then, Lizzie, on the radio: "We're dialing. Head for the 'gate."
Running by people we actually know. Two cruisers are in the air, and one chases them down by firing on either side of the path they're running on. It totally seems like they went to the Goa'uld School of Targeting, but the Wraith might actually be intentionally missing them, since they have a good reason to keep them alive and probably just want to knock them down or scare them enough to stop them until they can scoop them up with the slurpy-beam. I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, anyway, though I nitpick the existance of a path to the Stargate, since no one on this planet uses it and the Wraith come through in ships. Whatever. Team Sheppard does some flying leaps through the 'gate that will totally smart on the other end. "They're through!" Lorne announces right as a fireball explodes in front of the Stargate. Lizzie collapses back in her chair and looks like she can't breathe. My love for her knows no bounds.
Off-screen, Shep will hang around in the control room shooing away Beckett's attempt to doctor his various war wounds and be All Nervous until Lizzie's ship finally returns. Then she will hover while he gets checked out in the infirmary, he'll thank her for saving his ass, she'll ask whether this means they're even now, he'll make fun of her for screwing up the negotiations this time, she'll point out that they're definitely still not even on that one, and then Beckett will kick them out of the infirmary to go have sex because he just can't take it anymore. The end!
Not quite the end. Actually on the TV, the Wraith cruiser heads for the Olesian City of Bad Taste, and the show ends on a shot of Horribly Dressed Man with his hand clapped over his mouth in horror, about to meet his maker and explain why he truly thought that a tiger-printed dress was an appropriate fashion statement for a man of his build. It seemed kind of like cartoon horror the first time I watched it, but on the second watch-through, man. His expression is chill-inducing. The whole situation is remarkably horrific, and a seriously unhappy ending to an otherwise... happy ending. I mean, even Marin is totally going to be eaten, and she had a moral reformation! Noooooooo!! Bad Wraith!
Poll
Next week: Artfully overexposed promos, in the film style of the BSG Caprica scenes, show Lizzie looking unbelievably sexed and hot, and some sort of nonspecified plot disaster which may or may not have to do with the not!naquadah of this episode, and mspooh's turn to recap!