2x06 Trinity

[mspooh]

Strong language alert! Since I broke last week's total, we've decided to institute a nickel F***-jar. I put in $1.40 today. (That's 28 transgressions, just in case you were wondering.)

2x06 Trinity

Where no man has gone before... for at least ten thousand years: a lonely stargate floating in space. Suddenly a Jumper pops out, and we're treated to a frontal view of Sheppard at the controls. Having seen this episode twice already and knowing exactly what's coming up later (*criz*), I'd like to take a moment to bask in the afterglow of what basically amounts to Sheppard's exceptional sk1llz at the helm of a phallic-looking Jumper flying in and out of a wet hole. Was it too early for pr0n jokes? Hey, if I'm going to have to sit through 40 minutes of slashy McSlashiness, then I'm allowed this one het reprieve, dammit. And don't even try to slash this for me! *plugs ears*

Inside the Jumper, Team Sheppard's in their road trip-assigned seating and wearing their away-grays, except for the new acquisition, Ronon, who raided some Athosian's fugtastic closet in the dark and ended up with a really ugly shirt. McKay is in the midst of playing big brother to Ronon, advising him to wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming, surfing, or jumping through the 'gate. Shep half-turns to give him a "you're such a freak" look while Teyla, who has obviously become used to McKay's ramblings, merely smiles and looks amused. Ronon, who is doing the Sideways-Lean-of-I'm-So-Cool-Who-Cares-About-Posture, poo-poos the free advice saying he's "got a pretty strong stomach." Yeah, you also have some nice rippling abs to go with it. ["I feel we're going to need a bit more proof of this. Don't you think? I think so." -- Little Red] Sadly, Ronon is not naked, which makes me kind of hate this episode already. If there were any doubts as to whether McKay and Ronon would get along, let's just dash them right now. The language of love isn't French, it's Food, and the first person to write McKay/Ronon OTP or McKay/Ronon/Food OT3 gets a... well, I don't know, because I probably won't be able to sit through it. McKay one-ups Ronon's strong stomach with an "I can eat frozen dinners without thawing them." Sheppard and I think that's gross so he reminds McKay to check the planetary life-signs detector. It's a shame no one's home because the ten thousand year old Atlantis Database had the Dorandans listed under "Really Cool Peeps." From his seat in the back of the Jumper, Ronon once again proves he's got the awesome telescopic eyesight of a hawk and directs Shep's attention to the debris field before them. The debris only litters half of space, so... good job there, Ronon. Here's a cookie. As Shep navigates through the remains of a Wraith hive ship, Teyla obviouses: "There was a great battle here." Shep observes that "something put a lot of holes in [the hive ship]" and wants to investigate the planet for any Wraith hole-punchers they can borrow. I predict this will all end badly, but what else is new?

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Planet Bulldozed to Oblivion, AKA a deserted shithole. ["AKA a very nice matte painting." -- Little Red] The boys do a whole Instant Grasp of the Obvious where McKay sees why there were no life-signs and Ronon informs them unnecessarily that this is what happens to those who stand up to the Wraith. Sheppard: "These folks took out a whole fleet of Wraith ships. I think they did a pretty good job of fighting back." Sure, if "good job" means turning their own planet into a crap heap. McKay picks up some energy readings and points to the upper right field stands, aka the big building with the nasty looking gun turret on the roof. So I guess that answers the question of Equipment for Good Fighting. McKay adds that it's "because... they were Ancients." I have no clue what body orifice he pulled that out of. Neither does Shep, as evidenced by his look of "er... okay?" But we're saved by the end of the teaser.

I blinked and totally missed the opening credits. Does that happen to anyone else?

Ominous Ancient building of dust mites. The team descends into a lab, and we finally begin the recitation for Intro to Obvious Dialogue 101, section 'No Shit, Sherlock.' McKay declares the equipment of Ancient design. Fo shizzle? Shep says it looks similar to the labs on Atlantis. No kidding. Ronon concludes that it's an Ancient Outpost. Duh. Teyla wonders: "Yet, the Ancestors made no mention of this in the database. Why?" Yeesh, Teyla. What's up with the hard but very good, question? There's no extra credit for brown-nosers, dammit. Team Sheppard tinkers around, and Ronon goes off by himself to explore. In case you were wondering, Manly Men aren't afraid of the dark and backups are for wussies. As the dramatic music cues up, Shep finds two dessicated bodies in the corner of the lab. Ronon tops him when he discovers three inside a tunnel-like corridor, noting that no one came back to claim the bodies. Upon hearing this, McKay looks worried because dead bodies anywhere is usually A Really Bad Sign. Yet, he goes back to working on the consoles anyway. Due to the decomposition of the bodies, Shep can't tell if the Wraith were responsible. Class is back in session when Ronon obviouses: "Yeah, something killed them." Teyla joins in: "Something killed everyone on this world." Or, maybe everyone else went out for ice cream and got lost on their way back? I'm just saying, let's not jump to conclusions, k? While McKay flips on the lights to reveal recently waxed floors, Shep questions why the outpost was left intact. Because McKay has a problem paying attention to others - a quality that would royally suck in bed - he repeats Shep's question as his own. ["Would royally sucking really be a bad thing for the OVERWHELMING SLASHINESS? I'm just saying." -- Little Red] Shep: *stare* Teyla: *eyeroll* Ronon: *omg, please let me hit him* After a brief silence, the Shep!pants finally answers: "It's a good question." McKay gets a glazed over look - most likely a side effect of the blatant Shep!pantsian moment that just occurred - and returns to fussing with the console. For those of you who missed it, I just initiated the falling slash anvils. *adjusts anvil hardhat*

'lantis. The team pedeconferences through the control room with Mom and Dad in front and the kids dutifully trailing behind. What? Shep informs Lizzie that it's a ground-based version of the satellite weapon they first encountered in "The Defiant One" and later employed in "The Siege, Part 1," also known as 'Where Grodin Blew Up.' As expected, Rodney lusts after the weapon's incredible firepower and geekgasms: "If that single outpost was responsible for destroying an entire Wraith fleet... we totally have to get one. Can we, huh? Puhhhlease?" But MamaBear wants to know if it's worth it. As they walk into the conference room, Shep and his pants assure her that the Dorandans had nothing else that looked valuable... plus that huge honkin' gun thing on the outpost roof looked pretty hardcore. Teyla's optimistic: "If we can learn of such technology, we can defend other worlds from being culled." Oh, Teyla, always thinking of others. Stop that! Us, first; everyone else, maybe later. But Ronon, whose shirt comes with a handy dandy bib - with a fringe, even! - is all Mr. Skeptical: "It didn't save the Duran-Durans." No kidding, or their planet, but I hear their new album's pretty good and the tour is awesome.

Luckily, Rodney's excitement is contagious, and Lizzie passes the buck to Sheppard. It should be noted that Elizabeth? Is gorgeous and got Shep's rank correct this time. Before Shep can finish agreeing with him, Rodney reels off a list of guys he wants on his intergalactic hockey team: "Give me Optican, Collins, and Zelenka, if he's over his stomach flu." Aw, Zelenka! At the mention of Zelenka's stomach flu, John gives Elizabeth an interesting look, probably calculating the various disease daisy-chain permutations as it spreads through the personnel. After all, we all know Radek's secretly the Atlantis h0r and not Sheppard. Anyway, make what you will of the look as I tighten the straps to my anvil hardhat. Rodney takes this moment to outline his research plan in verbal flowchart form. MamaBear thinks it's adorable that her baby cub is excited about Teh Science Learning, and laughingly assures him "Okay, okay. Easy sell." At first, I thought she said "easy, sailor," which is just... all kinds of wrong and squicky, so let's just ignore me. The team watches as Rodney bounces out happily, and Shep gives Lizzeh a cute 'our Rodney's growing up so fast!' quirk of his head; off-screen, Elizabeth is, no doubt, smiling and looking absolutely gorgeous. So says I. Now, people, what did we learn from this scene? Three things: (1) according to the Law of Redshirts, either Optican or Collins will die by the halfway mark, (2) Rodney is an inattentive lover and caregiver, if he doesn't even know whether Radek is feeling better yet, and (3) Rodney amuses everyone.

Outside the Rover* love nest. Since they've done the sex already, Ronon's decided that maybe they should try dating. Manly Man paces nervously and practices how to ask Teyla on an official date since "training" sessions don't count. He rejects "hey, Teyla," "yo, Teyla," "duuuude," "how you doin'," and "wanna be my totally bitchin' new babe?" and considers just grunting at her in a manly fashion when she finally shows up. Ultimately, he settles with a very nonchalant "Teyla, I heard you were headed out for a personal mission... not that I was actively stalking your dayplanner or anything. I just happened to be in your neighborhood." Teyla, who is now wearing her patchwork Hobo!coat, last seen in the pilot episode, doesn't appear upset that Shep totally passed ownership of the Ronon-puppy to her and tells the puppy that she's off to Belkan. Puppy's all, "sounds interesting," but my subtext decoder subtitles it as "OMG, that's lame, but I'm SO fucking bored here, lemme come with. Please, please, please?" It's very reminiscent of Ford trying to bum a Jumper ride from Sheppard in "Suspicion," complete with the same puppy dog act of feigned casualness, though my boy Ford would never wear that shirt. She plays along, babbling about how she's going to trade Athosian men for flaxseed. Dude, Ronon, be careful of this one. If you screw up with her, she will slap you around, pimp you out, and take 90 percent of your h0r money. They babble to each other some more, but it's just an excuse for the two of them to make cute, swoony, giggly faces at each other. "Still interested," Teyla asks, coyly. "Sometimes you feel the need to... go someplace else." Ronon's ears perk up because he's pretty sure he broke her code and she just offered him sex. *checks the closed captioning* Hmm, well, that's what I heard. Ronon's all "so?" And since Teyla's already at eye-level with it, flirt-laughs for him to "bring only weapons [he] can conceal." That makes him grin stupidly because the only weapon he needs is already concealed. And because they'll discuss toys later, he assures her now, "I'll keep it to a bare minimum." *perks up* What? Bare? Shirtless, where, how, when, huh? Oh. *pouts* And then Ronon runs off giddily to prepare for Teh Off-World Sex. [*According to the Name That 'Ship poll, "Spanky" and "Teyla/Ronon" were tied at 14 a piece. But face it, did you honestly think this was a democracy?]

We return to Planet Duran-Duran, where they are all Hungry Like the Wolf... except they're not, because all the natives are dead. (Erm. That was a lot funnier when Little Red and I discussed it in chat, just so you know.) We follow Shep as he peeks through a window to see what looks like a... er... *flails*... a big metal pole with a starburst-like thing near the bottom. He asks if they've figured out what the metal stick of doom is. There's cute geek-arguing between Radek and Rodney about equations and theories, and from the warm fuzzies, you know their love is thriving. Shep thinks they should stop being so disgustingly cute and just turn the damn thing on already. While Radek gives him a put-upon look, Rodney explains that "there's no direct link between it and the main power control system, which, among other things, Zelenka has theorized that it's an ancillary power supply for the weapons system." Shep's all, "Cool." Wheee, boys and their toys! And then he positively radiates with the sexiest grin ever, aka his own Weapon of Mass Fangirl/boy Destruction, but oh, to be destroyed in such a way. Rawr! How does anyone stand a chance against THAT? The geekboys certainly aren't immune to Shep's overwhelming hotness. They both squee at Shep's glee, and Rodney basks in the warmth of Shep's drop-dead gorgeousness as I bob and weave through a minefield of slash. "See that? See how he lights up at the mention of that? It's like Dr. Vogel at the mention of pastries." Actually, Shep could use a pastry every now and then, not that I'm complaining, 'cuz *liiiiick* But this does bring up a very important question: Why do they even need this new energy source when the Light From Sheppard's Smile is bright enough to toast a bagel and power two galaxies for a few hundred years?

The dynamic between the three geeks is AWESOME and CUTE (but in a totally platonic way... lalalala). They're little boys trying to out-geek each other and impress the coolest kid in their circle, and what better way to bait the cool kid than with Really Cool Toys. Of course, some of you might choose to view it differently, going as far as applying the 'Trinity' episode title to the slashiness of the Shep/McKay/Zelenka OT3 (said as I dodge an anvil). Others, like me, are just going to move on now. But DAMN, when Shep turns his attention back to the other room and he's still grinning? Yeah, it's not hard to see why men, women, aliens, animals, and inanimate objects lust after him, despite his being fully-clothed all the freaking time. Because dear lord, I think I just spontaneously combusted from that one look. Shep's eyes light up, impressed, and a million fangirls swoon. "They found a way to soup up their space guns." Suggesting, without a doubt, that Shep probably pimped up all his choppers back on Earth, or would have if the USAF let him. He employs this head nodding move, along with this mouth thing that crinkles his chin, and... *omg, DIES from the gooberliciousness of it* Excuse me while I go do an insane amount of clip looping.

Rodney and Radek technobabble about power generators and primary capacitors, which means absolutely nothing to me. Fortunately, Sheppard's military and knows all about things that go "kaboom!" Shep geeks: "It means they can fire multiple bursts without having to store more power for the next firing sequence.... like, duh." The geekboys share a look. Radek's impressed. (Anvil! *sidesteps*). Rodney looks like Shep just deflated his balloon. (Anvil: *poof!*) And then Shep cutely teaches Rodney how to be 'succinct': "Which leads me back to 'cool.'" But there's a catch! Off Shep's confusion, Rodney neeners at him. Radek adorably order-whispers Rodney to "tell him." And in a move that will get Rodney totally spanked at the next naked threesome meeting, he gleefully withholds the information. "Not yet." Shep stops just short of begging for the info, which has me PANTING from exercise-induced asthma while trying to dodge all the freaking anvils. Rodney doesn't want Shep "to get all excited over nothing," and by the look on Shep's face, he's heard that one before. Lalala. Because he's a genius in his own right and has encountered this problem before, Shep utilizes the age-old tactic of playing hard to get in order to get exactly what he wants by feigning disinterest. "Well, maybe you're right." Rodney falls for it right away. Sucker! (And eww, I didn't mean it that way, either. *dodge, dodge, DODGE*) "I'll give you a hint." Shep, amused at how easy it was to bait him, exhales THE CUTEST LITTLE BOY LAUGH EVER! And when I say "EVER," I mean, like, EVARRRRR, OMFG! Is it just me, or is there something really special in the Pegasus air? Because Shep looks all of 20 at certain points in this scene. I swear, it's like he's improved on the Dick Clark Formula for Boyish Agelessness.

Anyway, Rodney's big secret was that the Ancients were "experimenting with high-energy physics on a level we've never seen before." And then the geekboys take ridiculous amounts of pleasure at seeing Sheppard's stunned look. He finally offers a barely constrained "wow," because omg, the Ancients were practically REWRITING PHYSICS! Rodney downplays his discovery, even though he's secretly all 'I have the most awesomest toy EVER and you will all love me.' Radek happily beams at him and directs the Cute Eyebrow Quirk of 'Rodney Is All Mine, ShepH0r!' which is the nonverbal equivalent of Radek peeing on Rodney and claiming him forever from Shep's evil clutches. Dude? So totally fucking like bunnies late at night in their lab when everyone else is asleep. This particular slash anvil? I will gladly allow to smush me into a flat pancake, because Rodney/Radek is seriously the cutest thing ever. Shep reads Radek loud and clear and backs off, promising to "do [his] best to wait." Subtext (to Radek): "Fine, he's yours, but you get him to keep his hands off me." As Shep walks away, Rodney's face glows from his unabashed love for the Shep, and poor Radek's going to have his hands full with him. Because I need a breather from my cardiovascular workout of avoiding all the falling slash anvils, I'm willing to let McKay lust after Shep for a few minutes. Besides, Shep made me melt into a messy puddle of brain goo about a million times over, and I'm too spent to keep McKay away from him right now.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the galaxy, Teyla's having a hard time with her trade negotiations because the Belkan leader wants to turn all her dirty people into indentured slaves. Also? She's distracted by the brooding and dangerous Manly Man sitting beside her looking all stoic and stuff, and... hey! Didn't Dirty Larry and all his Dirty People from the Island of Tasty Wraith Entrees take his pimptastic coat? I'm confused. Unless Ronon's like Batman with a closet full of Pimp!coats, he must have gone back to the Island to retrieve it and somehow that just sounds reckless. Anyway, he's not happy because his woman is totally getting shot down by the Dude With the Stringy Hair. Teyla pleads her case with DWtSH's bumbling sidekick, Igor, er... Mattas. Unfortunately, they reach an impasse. Angry Monkey Alert! This, of course, pisses off Ronon, who angry-monkeys his way into the negotiations, brandishing his knife and totally scaring the crap out of Teyla. Maybe this is how the men on his planet woo their women - with an aggressive display of testosterone. I can't decide if Teyla looks worried, offended or really turned on. Ronon, however, is busy defending her honor with what amounts to a growly, "She says her trade is fair so do as my woman says or I WILL CUT. I WILL SMASH! I WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP!" Dude, Bamm-Bamm. Chill. The. Fuck. Out. Pebbles is so not amused and mentally kicking herself because 'omg, should have finished training the monkey before taking him off-world!'

Stringy!Hair tries to tower over Bamm-Bamm, all "No, you di'in't just diss my hair." But he obviously wasn't paying attention when the Giant Man walked into the room because Bamm-Bamm Dex stands to his full height and in the process, eclipses both the sun and the freaking moon. And, er, everyone else in the room. He menaces a "Girlfriend, I just did, and whatchoo gonna do about it? I haven't washed my dreads in seven years and my hair is still more awesome than yours." Except, both their hairdos suck, and Shep's already been crowned Miss Prettiest Hair, Pegasus. They glare and glower at each other but don't actually get to measure their penises, which Bamm-Bamm could have won easily since neither Shep or his pants are here. Stringy!Hair knows this and turns to Teyla, thinking he's at least got her bested in that department, but he must have known that she, too, has bigger balls than him and finally relents. Oh, oh, oh! Do my eyes deceive or is Teyla's hand on Ronon's arm? According to my 'shipper guide, they are now married with quadruplets on the way.

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Bamm-Bamm and Pebbles exit Stringy!Hair's house with seed sacks. Heh. Down below, the denizens of Merry Olde Belkanland have forced their children to dance like idiots. Teyla throws down her seed sack and turns on Bamm-Bamm, ready to rip him a new one. Luckily, Bamm-Bamm's prepared since he's seen this sort of scenario played out between Shep and Lizzie, and he took notes. He borrows John Sheppard Tactic #1 and feigns innocence. "What?" Because Teyla's been hanging out with Lizzie a lot lately, she's not amused and snits that she "had the situation under control." Damn, she looks pissed. Bamm-Bamm stupidly forgot to learn from his mentor's mistakes and moves onto Sheppard Tactic #2, cheekily snarking a "It didn't look like it." Teyla snaps back: "So you came to my rescue. You have no idea what is at stake in these negotiations. My people depend on me." With nothing but his smoldering manliness to charm her, Bamm-Bamm weakly offers a "they were taking advantage of you." Barely containing the urge to smack some sense into him, Teyla calmly explains that it was all part of her master plan and that "a negotiation is a delicate process. The words spoken are often meaningless." Ha! Then how come Shep still manages to stick his foot in his mouth all the time? Oh, wait.. it's the "delicate process" part he has yet to master. This whole argument is actually giving me an emotional flashback to all the John and Elizabeth fights from Season One. Their relationship is very similar to the one we've seen already with the Leader (Elizabeth and Teyla) using words and diplomacy to reach her goals for her people while the Military Second in Command (John and Ronon) has no qualms of exerting force as a coercive tool. HE will countermand her actions with a show of force, thereby guaranteeing a major ass-reaming from HER. *watches the parallels with glee* So now, not only have Ronon and Teyla taken a page out of the John and Elizabeth Guide to Eyefucking, they've also registered for classes in the Sheppard/Weir School of Negotiations and Power Struggles. Conclusion: Ronon/Teyla4EVAR!

Igor interrupts the angry eyefucking - as is the way when any OTP gets too close to actual sexing - so Teyla makes Ronon carry all her shopping bags back to the car. Then Igor and Teyla do some mutual woe'ing over Bamm-Bamm's stupidity. We find out through the magical TV device known as a Plot Contrivance that other people from Ronon's world surivived their culling and lo and behold, one of them just happens to be on planet.

'lantis. Not!Grodin is apparently a Sergeant. I don't know how I feel about that. Lizzie plays radio-tag with Shep and because this is supposed to be a Slash Episode, Elizabeth and John forgo the intimacy of first names and stick with "Weir" and "Colonel." They're obviously role-playing here, just to keep things interesting for later in bed. What? I let you guys have your slash - said as I neatly sidestep another falling slash anvil that was determined to brain me into submission - so I'm allowed to go to bat for my 'ship. Hrmph. Shep announces that "Rodney wants to fill you in." He sounds exactly like a proud PapaBear after BabyCub's first day of school. Elizabeth's all MamaBear smiles and guesses that they've "found something interesting." (....holy crap! Did you just see that? A flying McWeir Anvil just decided to join in on the fun, but that's actually kind of squicky. After all, it's just MamaBear being excited for her cubs, okay?! Sheesh.) Rodney enthuses, "Interesting? How about the greatest discovery of all time... after the invention of Sheppard's hair gel, that is." Sheppard helpfully translates: "He's pretty excited." Lizzie grins: "So I hear. He couldn't even wait until he got back." And across space, time, and radio waves, PapaBear and MamaBear share a moment of parental pride for their cub. Then Rodney giggles. GIGGLES! Aww, it's too bad this is the last time in the episode where I won't feel like shaking the crap out of him.

Rodney transfers his data to Atlantis and it shows up as a green Rorschach blot. Lizzie stares at it with the confusion of a mother who has just been presented with her child's first artwork but doesn't know whether to chuck it or stick it on the fridge. Because radiofucking is their thing, Shep wants to be the one to fill her in (totally dirty, and I meant it just like that, so there): "It's a weapon--" Rodney cuts him off, causing Shep to make the cutest face at being denied the radio!sex. "We think we may have stumbled on the Ancient's last great discovery. It's too late to win the war for them, but I think if I can finish the work they started," Rodney conceits, and with that, he just made sure his arrogance was going to come back 'round and bite him in the ass. According to all the technobabble, it's "the ultimate power source - something that will make zero point modules seem like alkaline batteries in comparison." And then he and Radek share a big lusty smile (these are okay anvils, btw) as Shep, looking all of 16, quirks a brow and joins in on the giddy, already making mental lists of things (jumpers, football, skateboard...) he wants to zap with that kind of juice.

That AARP commercial with the volunteer clones is just wrong... though I wouldn't mind having a zillion Sheppard clones volunteer services on me... Erm...

Back on Atlantis, the Geek Squad and a couple of tag-alongs have congregated in Lizzie's newly decorated office. Omg, her birthday present from Shep is still on her desk! SQUEE! Colonel Skinner! Yay! McKay rambles on about the Ancients' "Project Arcturus" and the phasing out of ZPMs. Despite the presence of an unoccupied chair in the office, the Skin-man prefers to stand because the stick up his butt, left over from his last episode ("Runner"), prevents him from sitting down. In fact, the only two people sitting down are Shep and Lizzie. Shep and the Shep!pants are looking pretty damn at home in her office, which tells me that couch already has his ass-print memorized. (Someone needs to write Sparky fic where he falls asleep on her couch, because you know he has and it would be so damn cute.) The geeks start in on the Horrifyingly Dry Technobabble to End All Technobabbles, and Colonel Skinner, realizing he's stuck in this meeting from hell until the very end, dislodges enough of his buttstick to sit down for the long haul. I know how he feels. I think I'm going to need to lie down with an ice pack and a couple of Excedrin Migraines after this. So let's just get this over with, shall we?

Rodney techno-exposits: "The ZPM is an artificially-created region of subspace-time. It's kind of like a minature universe in a bottle."
Radek, unhelpful: "The ZPM extracts vacuum energy through the artificial region of subspace-time until it reaches maximum entropy."
Lizzie, nodding: "...yes..."
Colonel Skinner, pained: "...ohgod, wtf?"
Pooh, trying hard not to kill self: "..."
Shep and Shep!pants: *sits quietly and listens, all while reeking of hotness and eyefucking Skinner and Lizzie*

Everyone: *DRINKS* ["MY GOD, these exposition-heavy episodes are long! They're going to destroy our livers with all the drinking." -- Little Red]

Then it starts again.

Colonel Skinner, perplexed: "So what's the big dealio, yo?"
Radek, geeks: "Project Arcturus was attempting to extract vacuum energy from our own space-time, making it potentially as powerful as the scope of the universe itself."
Colonel Skinner: "Project go boom?"
Shep, ridiculously HOT: "The Ancients sucked."

McKay finally sulks that he "said [he] wanted to do all the talking." Ah, so now we know why Shep was silent for so long. The man is obviously much better at taking orders from McKay than vice versa and... I'm going to stop that train of thought right now as I utilize some fancy footwork against a hailstorm of slash anvils. Damn. I set myself up AND walked right into that one, too. There's more dry stuff as Rodney geeks out and Shep tries to force some sense into him. Shep's finally all, "whatever, dude." I agree, but McKay continues to conceit about "the war this," "my big fat ego that," and "something something Manhattan Project," which is a big freaking code for Very Bad Things To Come. Shep, who has finally caught on to my fascination with his pants, uses his hand to distract me (bastard! oooh, bastard!). "The point is, the Wraith won blah blah blah." More pointless arguing, but I can't concentrate because Shep's hand is... er... okay, I swear to God, I can actually focus on people's faces. I can. Watch.

Shep: "No."
Rodney: "Yes."
Radek: "Er...maybe."
Colonel Skinner: *eyefucks Lizzie*
Lizzie: "You don't like it?"
Rodney: "It's definitely an interesting theme."
Shep: "Possibly. Don't sugarcoat this, Rodney."
Lizzie: "Well, I happen to think my decorator is a genius."
Shep: "I'm just happy there's a couch."

And then Shep tries to eyefuck Skinner, and I give up. Please stop talking and have a big slashy orgy and leave me alone. Lizzie, SAVE US! Lizzie: *eyebrow* Dammit, woman! Not helping. Colonel Skinner reminds everyone that McKay's a genius, but the Ancients will always be smarter. But what about Shep? We haven't actually had true confirmation of what he scored on that Mensa test. Rodney smarms on how the Ancients were thisthisthisclose to finishing the project, and he's using the same finger pinching motion that I'm using right now to squish his TV head, because OMG, STFU ALREADY! Shep has a bit more patience than I do, and smiles like he's humoring him, but also slightly embarrassed by his enthusiasm and inability to shut up. It's, er... love? He stealthily glances at both Skinner and Elizabeth to see their reactions. Elizabeth has to ask: "You believe you can finish their work?" And because he's McKay, he conceits, "I do." Radek knows his lover tends to get a bit too excited sometimes, corrects him, "We do." And Shep is pretty much just along for the ride to make sure the geeks don't kill themselves. "They do." Which, if you think about it, isn't exactly a vote of confidence. And for the love of Pooh, please no threesome slashing unless it's the aforementioned McKay/Ronon/Food (er, McKay/Ronon/Zelenka? ...no, that's just wrong. *twitch*). I beg of you.

Science clippy montage! McKay orders around his minions. Rodney and Radek pause in their sexing to make a bit of war, not love, and I want to bitchsmack Rodney on Radek's behalf. More geek stuff. Shep's demoted to playing McKay's grunt and aims a dirty look in his direction. Thank you! Radek looking really cute. And finally! Eureka. God, I can't believe I'm actually dying to get back to Teyla and Ronon.

Belkan o'Pub. Overhead shot of Pimp and Hobo, searching for a man named Solen. Pimp overhears Solen's exaggerated anecdote about having a penis THIS BIG and still managing to take out three Wraith singlehandedly. Of course, given the rule of threes, this means he saw the three Wraith and ran like a freaking coward. Pimp counters this tall tale with a "Liar! Your penis is actually only this small." And Solen, who's stolen Wallace Shawn's cast-off rags from the set of The Princess Bride, cheesy-growls a "what did you say?" before doing the cliched "you are so full of shit" "no, you are" "omg, I love you, man" reunion of Real Men. Well, one real man and... this dude, who's like half of Ronon's size. There's manly bear-hugging and manly giggling, and even Teyla can't believe what's come over to her normally brooding young man. Da Pimp introduces her to his Halfling, but she's only got eyes and smiles for this new side of Ronon. Awwww. There's going to be a lot of off-world fucking after this, you know. Halfling observes that Ronon and Teyla "make a nice match. Congratulations" and hell, this just goes to prove that the hand-on-arm thing from earlier really was part of some alien marriage rite. Ronon's eyes slide over to Teyla, all "I don't want you to kick my ass later, so why don't you field that." Teyla's all "we are just friends. Nothing more." Sure, if by 'friends,' you mean 'fuck buddies,' and by 'nothing more,' you mean 'let us just see how this first date goes.' Then okay, "just friends." Halfling looks convinced, but he's an idiot so what does he know. He goes on to blahblahblah "our people" blahblahblah "across the galaxy" and something something "Maneria," and... look, Continuity just popped its head through the door. *pets it* The Pimp!eyebrows positively BEAM at hearing 300 of its people from Planet California are still out there alive and well. Then the men do some more manly hugging and get trashed. Dude! The Pimp!coat comes with matching orange, fingerless Pimp!gloves!

The Reach Out For the Sunrise Lab. McKay: "blah blah blah." Shep: *wears his sunglasses safety glasses at night and still manages to look superhot* His hotness overwhelms, okay? On McKay's mark, 50 (ok, more like 5-ish) scientists simultaneously turn their ignition keys. Dude, that's a really crappy setup, isn't it? The huge starburst ornament flares up in a very Glow of Doom and Gloom sort of way.

Somewhere in the 15th century. More manly giggling, only this time drunken manly giggling, which is really... not pretty. Halfling cackles that he can't wait for some guy to see Ronon. At this, Ronon mouth-breathes a "Dude's alive?" According to Ronon's friend, "Kel" supposedly a badass and drops by ocassionally. Teyla, who's drinking milk in preparation for all the Ronon babiez she'll be birthing soon in fanfic, asks who this new guy is. Halfling cheesy-drunks that as Ronon's taskmaster, Kel and Ronon formed a really close bond. I'm guessing "taskmaster" is like a military commander, and this "really close bond" with his "taskmaster" would explain why people have started slashing Bamm-Bamm with Shep. There's nothing wrong with that pairing. Different strokes and all, but er... I'm going to need an Anvil Hazmat suit pretty soon. I wonder if my Alias Anvil Suit is back from the dry cleaners yet...

The same damn Ancient Lab of Playing With Uranium. "Rodney!" "Radek!" First name-gasms for our favorite scientists, further proof that they're already fucking like good little bunnies. The Doom Detector oscilloscope suddenly blips from a harmless yellow wave to a Red Wave of Doom. Shep intuits that something's wrong as he and his expressive Shep!pants make their way over to McKay's console to see what the hell is going on. I swear, one of these days, I'm going to remember how to watch this show on eye level. Radek unhelpfully points out that "this never happened in simulations," which is always a good reason to, you know, STOP. And Shep, proving that he really is a worry-wart, agrees with me. McKay brushes him off and orders Collins to boost the power manually. Okay, who had Collins in the redshirt betting pool? You may now pat yourself on the back and give yourself a cookie. Poor Collins doesn't know better and willingly heads for the light at the end of the tunnel. Dude, there's a reason why this tube is lit up like nobody's business, and hello, let's not ignore the big picturesque window at the dead end that leads directly to the Glowy Ornament of SuperPowerz, which chooses that moment to emit a blast wave that has Collins screaming and writhing on the floor. How much cooler would this weapon be if it were partly sentient? Shep immediately orders a shut down, but the interface is no longer responding. Gee, didn't see that coming AT ALL! Rodney snaps that he's "given the command to shut down. Something's creating an overload." Dude. Control-Alt-Delete! Control-Fucking-Alt-Delete! And if that doesn't work, hold down the power button for 6-8 seconds. And if THAT doesn't work, just pull the damn power cord. Hmm... maybe it's running a Mac interface. ["Control-Apple-Escape!" -- Little Red] I think it's telling about Shep's faith in McKay's skills that he doesn't actually order an evacuation, but merely suggests one. Lucky for everyone, the Red Wave of Death and Destruction changes back to a Yellow Sine of A-OK. Everyone regroups. McKay: *rattled* Shep: *pissed* Pooh: *yawn* Then McKay remembers the redshirt, who, is now regrettaby crispy-fried. Shep, McKay, and Zelenka stand at the tunnel entrance and GQ-pose their way to a fade-to-black as the musical equivalent of 'Dun dun DUN!' segues all the pretty people into a commercial break.

For those of you watching the episode without the commercials, we are reminded that there's an Atlantis marathon coming up for the first six episodes of the season. Huh. I almost typed 'sex' instead. Weird.

'lantis conference room. Carson's informing everyone of Collins's cause of death, but I'm too busy mentally writing hate mail to the wardrobe department. I'm sorry, Carson, but your new jacket is ugly. Those two colors just do not go well together; the yellow is screaming to be put out of its misery. ["On the upside, it is now safe for him to bike places in the dark." -- Little Red] Shep and Lizzie eyefuck after he tells her Collins's family has been notified already. WTF. Don't they only have that one ZPM? How often are they using it to contact Earth anyway? Rodney's silent and his boyfriend briefs everyone. Basic gist: "...er, I don't know?" Colonel Skinner suggests human error (something I shamelessly blame in my lab reports when I just don't care enough), and Lizzie bares her nails. Rawr. Redshirts are people, too, dammit. Rodney shocks everyone by wanting to futz with the weapon again. Lizzie and Shep share a Deep Meaningful Look upon hearing that Massive Amounts of Angst has replaced Scientific Discovery at the top of Rodney's To-Do List. "A member of your team is in the morgue," Shep reminds him, rather angrily. Rodney angsts: "And I am responsible for his death, yes. I am painfully aware of that. I sent him in there and that is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life." Dude. You are whining to the wrong guy here, but Shep doesn't bitchsmack him for suggesting his Guilty!Angst is more massive than his own. It's bad enough that McKay tried to steal the Kirk title from Shep during "Duet," but no one takes on angst the way Shep does, k? Lizzie denies Rodney's request. Sucks that Rodney doesn't know Lizzie's weak spots, because his attempt to talk her into it - implying he wanted to beat the military to the weapon - ends up pissing her off more. She puts her foot down and leaves, hopefully to throw out her current lip gloss because that pink isn't doing it for her.

Poll
Back on Belkan, Teyla steers a drunk Ronon into a room and drops him on the bed. In my head, this is when they have hot, sweaty, warrior, no-holds barred, Pegasusian sex. Sadly, Ronon's too drunk to do anything but lie there. Other women might not consider this a deal-breaker, but Teyla's not 'other women' and would probably prefer a more active partner. With only the prospect of holding Drunken Giant's dreads while he prays to the toilet gods of the Pegasus Galaxy to look forward to for the rest of the night, she gives him an uncompassionate "good night." Ronon calls her back to bed. He did, dammit! Mmmrawr! They share a Significant Moment, but instead of jumping him, she leaves him to woobie alone. Ronon? Pooh offers you her 3-"S" advice: STFU, STOP ACTING, and STRIP!

Shep's bitchin' new pad. I spy... his longboard, omg! (I'm picturing Shep accidentally knocking Lizzie over. Or maybe giving her some lessons. Hee!) Shep walks to his door to find Rodney standing outside. If I thought this warranted it, I'd roll out the yellow caution tape of 'Beware Slash Anvils,' cordon off a corner of the room and push them in there until it's over. BUT, since there's no way you can prove to me that Rodney actually knocked, I'm just going to live in my own little world where Shep was on his way to Lizzie's room for their nightly debriefings. Besides, Shep's crossed arms certainly doesn't look inviting. *la* There's a brief history lesson about Harry K. Daghlian and his involvement on the Manhattan Project. I should care since John Cusack made me weep like a baby in Fat Man and Little Boy, but do I really need to pay attention to a script that got some very basic information wrong? Everyone here knows how to Google, yo. I'm guessing the 'Trinity' of this episode most likely refers to the Trinity Site (Alamogordo Bombing and Gunnery Range, NM), where the first atomic bomb was tested in 1945.

Shep's looking all sorts of yummy right now and that's just incredibly distracting. mylittleredgirl and I have been looping JF's old shows this past week (all for research purposes, I swear), and his shoulders have been turning both your recappers' brains into goo. He's really filling out that black shirt gorgeously and the crossed arms stance really highlights the swoonworthy-ness of the Shep!shoulders. Gah. Just... BRAIN GOO! I now declare his shoulders better than his pants (eep!) and demand that he take off his shirt. Unfortunately, the shirt's not going anywhere since Rodney's still angsting. "Collin's death is a pointless waste of life unless something comes of this and I'm not sure if I can--" Rodney breaks off. Aww, Rodney woobie! He composes himself and insists he knows what happened and how to fix it. Shep humors him but it doesn't sound like he's expecting to be wow'ed. Rodney: "Well, can I come in?" Shep, without batting an eye: "No." HA! Lizzie is SO waiting naked in his bathroom so Shep can finish sexing her up real good. *lalala* Does it hurt the McKay/Sheppard OTP if one of them isn't even allowed in the other's room?

Totally denied access into the inner sanctum of delectably hot shoulders and sexy pants, Rodney matter-of-facts that "the Ancients had it wrong." Poor Rodney needs to solve this in order to put his mind at rest. I know how he feels. The two biggest mysteries I'd love to solve: (1) why is Shep never completely shirtless, or at all, and (2) is the Shep!pants just a case of missing socks and static cling? Based on the eyeroll and annoyed sigh, Shep clearly doesn't want to listen to Rodney (or me), but testily asks anyway because the sooner he gets this over with, the sooner Rodney will go away. I wish he'd go away right now, but Rodney's all yammer blah yadda and Shep's either irritated or succumbing to the numbing effects of Rodney's tireless mouth. Er, that didn't quite come out right... *flees from anvils stalking me* "Look, this is big. This is the wheel, the lightbulb... the hot dog big... and your pants big..." And both of us perk up because Shep likes hot dogs and I like his pants, and if I were emotionally ready to slash Sheppard with ANYONE, I could totally wank the hot dog line. Er... But I don't think I'll ever be mature enough for that. In the end, Shep likes toys and wants to have complete faith in Rodney's skills (technical, okay?). Shep: "Best case scenario." Rodney: "I win a Nobel Prize." Shep, amused. "Worst case scenario?" Rodney: "We tear a hole in the fabric of the universe." Shep, so not amused: *eyebrow, hairline, omgbigsuckyholeareyoufuckingkiddingme?!* But Rodney needs Shep's support and Shep's charm because "Elizabeth will listen to [him]," and I'm guessing only him. HA! I LOVE IT. Everyone knows Shep is Lizzie's weakness. And if that's not enough, Rodney totally cheats by invoking Shep's undeniable faith in him. "Look, I've never asked this of you, but I think I earned it. Trust me." So not only is he opening himself up to rejection for once, he's also calling in all markers from season one. And for total overkill, he throws in the trust issue, knowing that John and Lizzie both have trust-orgasms. How is Shep supposed to say 'no' now? HE CAN'T, omfg!

Well-played, Rodney. Seems like Lizzie can't deny "John" anything nowadays. And thank god she finally used his name, because it was getting so bizarro with all the "Colonel Sheppard" this and that. *stinkeyes the writer* Skinner's all for Rodney trying to kill himself, and Lizzie gives him a verbal bitchsmack and tries to boot his ass out of her city. "Isn't the Daedalus about ready to head back to Earth?" Ooh, snap! (Wow, did I just date myself with that?) In my copy, Shep's eyes get kinda squinty as he hides his amusement and eyefucks the hell out of Lizzie. I'm not kidding. His eyes stay on her for a good five minutes without even blinking. Skinner's all, "If McKay says he can, then he can." And Lizzie snaps back that Rodney's ego could bridge the gap from Earth to Atlantis all by itself. (McKay/Weir Anvils: *pop pop fizz fizz* Little Red: "Oh, what a relief it is.") More bitchy back-and-forth. And then Lizzie MamaBears that "there are times when [she] has to protect him from himself." (McKay/Weir anvils: *gasp revives*) During the entire exchange, Shep's quiet and uneasy, letting the real pants wearer in this relationship deal with Skinner, and then finally volunteers to go with McKay himself. Though unhappy, Lizzie reads between the lines: "He really sold you." Shep gives her a very interesting look and admits, "He asked me to trust him." Then both of Lizzie's eyebrows quirk. Poor Colonel Skinner's confused because no one told him to bring his Sheppard/Weir Decoder Ring to the meeting, and he hates when John and Lizzie have one of their subtextual conversations (which is pretty much whenever they're in the same room). *neeners*

And... commercial break! Carson tries to eyefuck Lizzie, but she's not having any of it. Heh.

Back on the Planet Come Undone, Shep and Rodney try to answer the ultimate question: Is McKay smarter than AN ENTIRE RACE of people who created the Stargate system in two different galaxies? Rodney happily twitters around the lab, but Shep's tense and worried, suggesting they run some simulations first. Right, like that worked out well the first time, huh? Rodney: "How about I carry out my plan; you keep the hot coffee coming." Shep: "..." Rodney: "Joke! Haha!" Shep: *omg, we're all gonna die!* Aww, Shep doesn't even get Rodney's jokes. That can't be good for the 'ship.

'lantis. Radek worries about the mental health of his boyfriend. He's figured out why the Ancients abandoned the project, something Rodney couldn't do. Because this might get me flamed by all Rodney worshippers, I'm only going to say this once: Radek might be smarter than Rodney. And there you have it. *flees* ["Rodney is still smarter. But Radek doesn't have to climb over thirty stories of ego before he can actually look at the available data, so that helps." -- Little Red]

Radio!fucking. Or it would be if Lizzie hadn't turned into a pod person and is now back to "Colonel Sheppard" and "Dr. McKay," which is really creepy after all the "John"s and "Rodney"s since Season One. Lizzie asks them to delay the test, which upsets Dr. McKay. Rodney: "RADEK!" Radek: "RODNEY!" And, er.. more evidence that the two have moved in together. First namegams=love forever and ever and ever. The two lovebirds start arguing, which sucks because this means Rodney's totally not getting any loving from Radek anytime soon. Rodney's all, "Cake!" and Radek's all, "None of MINE!" See? No sex tonight. Radek spews forth a whole bunch of geeky shoptalk in an effort to convince Rodney he's a dumbass. Good luck, dude. Lizzie looks worried. Shep looks worried. Rodney ignores everyone. And I suddenly want cake. Radek and Rodney piss-fight, ending with Rodney accusing Radek of professional jealousy (ouch and eww) and Radek thowing up his hands in frustation. "Fine! Kill yourself... if you want to play with your toys so much, don't even bother to come home tonight because I'm changing all the locks." This argument? Is so married-couple of them. I don't like when my cute slash-ship argues like this. *squishes them together, shoves them into a closet, forces them to make up*

Shep wants to back up to the part where they die, and Radek confirms what we've all known since the very beginning of this episode: the stupid people killed themselves. The Wraith were framed, dammit! Apparently, EVERYONE is smarter than Rodney in this episode. Rodney's ego disagrees and wants us all to STFU. Ever the negotiator, Lizzie tries to appeal to the Ego. "Rodney, I can't afford to lose either one of you." *cough* You ready for the Pooh!SparkyLogic? Well, too bad, because here I go. *pause* Actually, I'll spare everyone since I don't have enough space here to go into my dissertation on how that one line is more about her being afraid of losing John than of losing Rodney. But rest assured, it would have been a doozy. Lizzie goes on to ask if Rodney's sure about this, and Shep picks up on the thread, harping at him to see if he'll break and admit that he really has no fucking clue. There's a lot of intense staring between Shep and Rodney that some might construe as a manlier version of the Eyefuck of Imminent Doom, but there's a pretty big distinction between an eyefuck and an 'if you get me killed, I will come back and fuck you up' glare. Shep's rattled, but needs to cling to his faith in Rodney even though his gut is screaming "abort! abort! ABORT!" In a move that could get him killed, he settles for a compromise. Shep: "We'll call you back after the test. How does that sound?" Lizzie: "You better." Radio: *thoroughly fucked* Yes, it was! *plugs ears, lalala* Rodney swears he won't let him down, but Shep only glares at him because dead is dead. Dude. Shep is just barely containing his anger. And it makes him a gajillion times SEXIER than ever, if that's even possible.

Back in the Land of Those Who McKay is Not Trying to Actively Screw Over... Pebbles agrees to set up a meeting with Bamm-Bamm's ex-boyfriend. Nothing else happens, so we move on.

Meanwhile on the Planet Point of No Return, Rodney's all smug and smarmy and Shep's all 'let's just get this over with.' Even though it took 60 techs to do it the last time, Rodney and Shep manage to access the weapon by themselves. Cue: DOOM! Rodney freaks, and given the obscene color of his face, looks like he's about to have a heart attack. Shep's much too pretty to become the next Crispy-Fried Collins and orders a shutdown. Gee, I wonder what's going to happen now. Shutdown? DENIED!

Bedrock. Bamm-Bamm and Pebbles await the arrival of his ex-boyfriend. When he finally does show up... WTF. This is really disappointing. Are we positive this guy is from the same race of people as Ronon? He doesn't look like he's from Planet Baywatch: Hawaii at all! I was expecting chests and arms and shirtlessness, and instead, all we get is some skinny bald dude who doesn't look scary at all. Meh. Bamm-Bamm pops out from behind Teyla and struts up to him. Shock abounds. Ronon uses Belle to blow a hole right through his ex-boyfriend. Eep! ANGRY MONKEY, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! The ex-boyfriend's entourage, aiming what look like Genii shotguns, surround our hot sexy warrior couple. Teyla intends to fight off blasters and bullets with her puny little knife, which immediately makes her COOLER, BALLSIER, and MORE AWESOME than anyone else in that room. Manly Man included. Or maybe it just makes her really stupid? Because seriously, woman, a knife? The tense situation is diffused after Ronon cheesy-speeches something that's supposed to convey what an Evil Bastard his boyfriend was, but it's stupid enough to make even Teyla go 'WTF' so we'll fast-foward to the part where...

...Pebbles bounces Bamm-Bamm off a wall and threatens to cut him. I guess she doesn't like being an accessory to murder. Bamm-Bamm and his eyebrows growl that his ex-boyfriend wasn't so innocent, that "he ordered thousands to their death, just to save himself." Don't you hate it when military officers do that to their grunts? Unless Kel had his own Island of Tasty Wraith Snacks, I don't see what the problem is. Then again, I willingly sacrifice all of you if and when the Wraith get here. It's a good thing for Bamm-Bamm that Pebbles understands things like "honor" and "cowardly pussy" so she gives him a pity eyefuck for having suffered as long as he has with this emotional burden. They're standing close enough to make out for real, but Ronon breaks the mood to regret how quickly the ex-boyfriend bit it. That'll teach you to poo-poo the Earth-based weapon. Those 9mils are awesome for slow painful deaths if you know what you're doing. There's some more eyefucking, and Teyla tells him she might have done the same in his place. Dude. These two are going to end up having some scary warrior-babies. Then with a perception that highlights just how much Teyla understands the Atlanteans way better than they'll ever understand her, she ominously intones: "But believe me when I tell you that the others would not." She's so got Lizzie&Co. all pegged, ha! And squeee to the much smaller cultural divide between Bamm-Bamm and Pebbles. "We must not speak of this when we return to Atlantis." Eeeeee! Secrets are HOT! And then, to exert her alpha-femaleness over him and to remind him who wears the real pants in this 'ship, she angrily warns that the next time he abuses their "friendship" again, she will never have sex with him. EVER. And she puts a point on it with the One Eyebrow Quirk of You Do NOT Want To Screw With Me. Dude. She really has been hanging out with Lizzie. He tries to eyefuck an apology, but she walks off. Awww, lovers' spats abound in this episode, but it's okay. Make up sex is AWESOME.

Speaking of potential lovers, let's return to the lab on Planet Big Bang Generation. I don't care what McKay thinks. It is just not cool to get yourself - and the guy you want to sleep with - killed. Really not cool. There's a special hell reserved for trying to kill Pretty People. *glares at McKay* The test? Yeah, not going so well. Sparks! Alarms! Building shaking! Guns discharging! "Catastrophic overload!" Shep's finally had enough. "We are so out of here." There's a lot of Rodney being an ass... and yelling. There's a lot of Shep being pissed... and yelling. It's all really intense and sexy and omgwtfHOT. And then Shep GRABS Rodney by the shoulder, practically spinning him around, and gets right smack in his face to scream at him. And I'M DOUBLE-TIMING THE FREAKING BOSSA NOVA TO AVOID THE MAELSTROM OF SLASHINESS. Dear god. But that was hot. Especially Shep. McKay is... well, still an ass for not listening to my boyfriend in the first place. *whomps him* Shep gets back in Rodney's face, angry and just a little bit desperate. "I've seen this before, Rodney - pilots who wouldn't eject when something went wrong, trying to fix their planes..." Here he smacks his hand down on the counter: loud, hard, angry, console rattling, laptop bouncing, pissed, HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT. And as I melt from the intense, sexy angriness emanating off him in roiling shockwaves, he says something about the pilots crashing, but honestly? I've already spontaneously combusted from a smack-induced orgasm. Damn. They're totally going to have rough, angry, we-almost-died sex later, aren't they? *cries, throws up hands in defeat*

There's a moment of potential eyefuckage, where Shep tries to will Rodney into compliance with just the power of his glare. The one-two punch of Shep's very moving speech (*wipes away a tear*) and impending catastrophic failure that will blow up the entire planet gets Rodney to pack it in. FINALLY! Yeesh. Oh, but how much do I love getting even a tiny bit of Shep!history? Because I do. *wets self for more* The weapon is going psycho-ass crazy, and how much are they going to regret targetting the space debris for their test? Dumb. Everyone: To the Jumper! Rodney tells Shep how to fly the Jumper. Shep: "I know what I'm doing." Because he's only been flying combat missions for like FOREVER, and Afghanistan wasn't exactly a cakewalk. (Mmm, cake.) Rodney: "I'm just saying, don't fly in a straight line." If that's the case, then Rodney should be the one flying, especially with his loose definition of "straight line." But Shep finally reaches his breaking point: "RODNEY, SHUT UP!"

OHMYGOD.

When Shep's all low-key and subtle and quietly brooding, I get all squishy and gooey inside from lust. When Shep's all intense and pissed and blows his fuse... Yeah. I'm going to go take an ice bath right after this. I'm guessing Shep dodges and weaves through the debris field similar to the way I was negotiating through the slash in this episode, but my brain is so permanently GOOED right now that I can't even concentrate on how that stupid weapon is trying to play Asteriod with my hotsexygorgeous boyfriend (and Rodney). *forces self to focus* Shep's all about flying somewhere to wait out the weapon, but... remember that worst case scenario that ended with the fabric of time and space being ripped to itty bitty little raggedy tatters? The one that was less likely than McKay winning the Nobel Prize? Well... Surprise! And omg, Rodney, don't spew spit when you're yelling about how you singlehandedly doomed three-quarters of a solar system with your arrogance and inability to accept failure. And then expect Shep to save your ass. Which even he's clueless about when... SuperSkinner appears out of nowhere to save the day. Damn, this means I'm forced to like him for rescuing the boyfriend, huh? No, wait... Lizzie's Shep!sense probably tingled and she had Skinner do a fly-by just in case. Yeah, that's it. *la* While the Daedalus takes the brunt of the weapons fire, Shep escapes through the gate. Then the Daedalus almost takes out the gate as it enters hyperspace, which really doesn't matter because just at that moment, McKay's Big Bang occurs and... *POOF!*

We immediately segue to Atlantis just as Bamm-Bamm and Pebbles return from their mini-break. I can't wrap my head over the timeline for this episode, so I won't. We overhear Lizzie totally chewing out Rodney in her office. Dude. She not only ripped him a new hole, but added a couple of extra ones. Heee! LOVE! I only wish she grabbed him and shook him a couple of times, too. And maybe bounced him off the wall the way Teyla did to Ronon. Lizzie Queen-Bitches: something something "everyone in this place" something something "you are the smartest man we have" blah blah "you put your life and the life of others at risk" especially when it's Shep's life at stake yadda yadda "YOU DESTROYED THREE-QUARTERS OF A SOLAR SYSTEM, OMFG, YOU ASS!" Rodney, head hung slightly in not-quite remorse, decides to correct her on this point. "Five-sixths. It's not an exact science." Dude, is now the best time to get anal with your calculations? Of course, Lizzie is not amused. "Rodney, can you give your ego a rest for one second?" (McWeir anvil: *cries*) Teyla and Ronon watch from below, but then leave to have special makeup training sessions.

Later that day. Shep very blatantly changes direction as soon as he sees Rodney bouncing in his direction. Heh. Rodney skips after him, all "Colonel! Colonel!" Have we ever heard him call Shep "John"? Though, for some reason, hearing him actually call Shep by his name would probably freak me out in a very not good way, the same way hearing Teyla call Shep by his name did. *twitches spastically* The Rodney-pup is very persistent. Apparently, Shep's been avoiding him (gee, wonder why), and for some reason, discovering that Shep was doing it on purpose deflates Rodney. Why is he even surprised? Rodney's rather giddy for someone who got totally REAMED by Lizzie. He apologizes for being wrong and jokes that he "intends on being right again. About everything. Effective immediately." Shep's body language screams 'keep away!' and his face is only a teeny bit more subtle with the 'I hate you right now, just so you know.' He fake-smiles some more and tries to escape into a transporter. But poor Rodney doesn't want his BFF to be angry at him forever, so he turns on the desperate plea for forgiveness. "I've already apologized to Elizabeth. And Radek. And the solar system... well, the one-sixth I didn't manage to disintegrate into oblivion..."

Even though he's giving off 'I'd rather lick dog poop off the sole of my boot' vibes, Shep still turns around to deal with Rodney, who babbles on oblivious to Shep's look of distaste. The man really, really, really wants to get away from Rodney. It actually makes me feel bad for McKay, who was annoying the crap out of me in this episode. For the slashers out there, McKay tells Shep that he "saved [him] for last, 'cuz um... honestly, I would... I would hate to think that recent events dimmed your faith in my abilities. Or my trust. At the very least, I hope I can earn that back." Poor Rodney looks like he's going to cry. *sniffle* Faced with such an unexpected outpouring of vulnerability, Shep can't tell him to piss off so he generously offers him hope. "That may take awhile," he admits, somewhat coolly. And as the Music of Sadness and Woe and Heartbreak swells in the background, Rodney clings to this. ["OH NO, THEY HAVE A THEME. IT'S THE GAY LOVE THEME!" -- Little Red] Shep assures him that he has faith that Rodney will be able to win him over again. (Anvil: *sticks tongue out at Pooh and kills her ded*) And with a slightly less fake smile, Shep activates the transporter which beams him and the Shep!pants to Lizzie's room where he'll get his own dressing down. Oh, you didn't get that cut scene? Hmm. Odd. Rodney's left standing in the hallway, sad, but relieved that their friendship is salvageable. Everyone: "Awww" and "Yay!"

Just in case you missed the flashing neon sign, this episode's A-plot was brought to you by Significant Character Development. Now let's see if it actually carries over through the rest of the season.

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Next week: It's less about changing team dynamics, and more about killing some baby Wraith. Recap will be brought to you by recapper-in-crime, mylittleredgirl. Hee!