2x10 The Lost Boys
Hey, remember us? Well, we're back. Sort of. It seems Real Life has decided to intrude on the much more enjoyable Fandom Life, and both mylittleredgirl and I got sucked into the black hole of Responsible Adulthood. Or something like that. Anyway, Little Red's got the "Aurora" recap, but she's playing the live action version of The Oregon Trail so she'll be busy with that for a bit. I'm still stuck in job search hell (if anyone's got one for me, you know where to find me! *smiles prettily*) which means I had time to finally finish this recap. Extra special thanks to phrenitis for stepping in and doing an admirable impersonation of Little Red.
Previously on the show: Ford got all jiggy wid the Wraith!crack and tried to impress Shep with his new supa-powerz by going mano-a-mano with Ronon. When Shep tries to bring him back to Atlantis anyway, SuperFord escapes capture via Wraith!beam. Congratulations. You are now caught up on the We Have No Idea What To Do With Ford's Character So We'll Drop Him To Recurring Status To Avoid Having To Come Up With Any Real Stories For Him But Make Him Evil To Make Up For It plotline.
The last episode before the mid-season hiatus begins with an artsy-fartsy close-up of a trickling brook, located somewhere in the backwoods of Planet Vancouver. Off-screen, McKay and Shep are sniping at each other, proving that prison sex (see: "Aurora") doesn't necessarily strengthen a relationship. It also doesn't help that McKay would rather be on a "tropical beach planet populated by tall blonde women." AH HA! This particular gentleman prefers the adjectives: tall, blonde, and female. None of which - THANK GOD - describes Sheppard. As they stroll leisurely towards their inevitable doom, McKay gripes that Mission: Waste of Time should have been assigned to a "lower echelon" team. Poor Ronon, whose vocabulary is woefully limited to words two syllables or less, is all "jigga what?" Teyla, the official Babel fish for the team, helpfully deciphers the Rodneh-speak to mean "those who are not listed in the opening credits and are therefore expendable." Only not in so many words, because let's face it: Teyla's pretty succinct. And I am so not. We're finally told that a friend of a friend of a friend of Teyla's sent word about a possible ZPM location. Rodney whines that their ZPM tip hotline is shit and I'd have to agree, but because Teyla's still sore that the Athosians have ditched her since joining Team Atlantis, she warns him against talking smack about her friends with a very MamaBear-ish "Rodney!" Now, my Teyla OTP usually involves a very naked Ronon, but I'm suddenly not averse to Teyla/McKay fic bunnies breeding with each other. Dude! She's a Rodneh-decoder! She understands him! That's gotta count for something. Er, right? Anyway, Rodney's too busy yapping to care that Teyla is looking all sorts of cute right now. He's all "blah blabbity blah blah me me meeeee--" ZAAAAAPPPPPPPPP! And out of nowhere, a Wraith!stunner!blast knocks him out cold. Apparently, the Pegasus Galaxy is sick of hearing McKay's incessant whining so it sent a rag-tag group of kids wielding tree branches to shut him up. Sucks for the rest of the team, but hey, that's what they get for not shutting him up in the first place.
Insert stock footage of wooshy wormhole effect.
Somewhere... where they've solved the Freaking Huge Dining Room Table in an Itty Bitty Cave conundrum, Teyla and Ronon are sitting around with bags over their heads. Plates of food have been set before them, and because kidnappers don't usually take the time to play Martha Stewart to their guests, I'm thinking the team probably shouldn't eat any of that. The leader of this group of fine, upstanding young lads removes their bags. I didn't think you could get a nasty case of bag hair with a wig, but Teyla proves me wrong. As soon as Ronon can see, he tries to telepathically kill their host (who will now be randomly dubbed Lost Boy Nibs per Peter Pan lore) with a Focused Angry Monkey Glare. The camera pans around the table as a Blonde With a Bowl Cut yanks the bags off the heads of Shep and McKay. Well, it's not a tropical island, but this particular Blonde will have to do for McKay, and if the way Blondie's admiring McKay is any indication, it looks like the feeling may be mutual. Hey, I just call what I see. Hrm. A close-up of Shep confirms that the bedhead is, in fact, breaking at least ten laws of nature; whatever product he puts in it every morning has guaranteed that not one strand will suffer from the indignity of bag static. And to that, I say hallelujah; the Shep!Hair is sacred, after all. Shep immediately checks on his team's well-being before sassing a greeting to the kids gathered around the room, who smartly ignore the hairfreak of nature. Lost Boy Nibs offers to release their binds if they promise to behave, since being outnumbered 50 to 1 is certainly not enough to deter Team Sheppard unless they all pinky-swear first. Ronon immediately surferboys a "suuuure" and Shep isn't even trying to act innocent when he solemnly gives his Boy Scout's honor. At this, a familiar chuckle rings out off-screen. EEEEEEEEEEE! FORRRRRRRRRRD!!! But then TPTB try to distract me from FORRRRRRRD by tempting me with a close-up of Gratuitous Sheppard Lip-Licking. *wibble* FORD! Lip-licking! FORD! Lip-licking! GAH, it's like a Concentration Whiplash of Sexiness.
Our favorite Wraith!Crack addict enters the room and he rubs his hands together with the maniacal glee of a mustachioed villain. Over his old uniform, he's wearing what appears to be a leather mesh shirt of the variety that thankfully went out of fashion in the 90s because WTF were we thinking, world?! I blame his FreakyMagikEye for affecting his ability to pick out clothing when he gets out of bed. Ronon understandably has issues with Ford's fashion taste and snaps out of his chair to confront him, but since his pimp outfits aren't exactly the height of fashion either, Nibs gives him the "Heel! Stay!" order. Ford's all "Speak 'friend' and enter." And Shep, who must have forgotten to put in the contacts that day, melodramatically squints a "Ford?" Ford stares down at his ex-CO: "Thought I was dead, didn't you, Sheppard?" A Cymbal Roll of Suspense increases in volume as Sheppard initiates a game of Pass the Oh Noes by looking at McKay in shock; McKay, with the appropriate expression of bewilderment, eggs on Teyla, who eye-tags Ford in disbelief; Ford closes the circle by staring threateningly at Shep. Because Ronon is new to the team, he doesn't get to play. ["It's okay, Teyla's playing footsie with him under the table." -- Phrenitis] If TPTB whip out the PotCam from That 70s Show for this drug episode, I may need to molest the director. Erm...
A close-up of Ford's FreakyMagikEye takes us out to the credits. I don't know about y'all, but I cannot wait for the supaswank new credits. Wheeeeee!
I stand corrected. Ford's new outfit isn't made of mesh, but with homemade chainmail. This way, you'll know when he sneaks up on you. He plays the gracious host, imploring his old team to eat, eat, eat. To assure them that the food hasn't been poisoned, he steals one of Teyla's fries. After swapping spit all those months back on Atlantis, what's a little food between friends, right? RIGHT. And because he's never been one to turn down suspect food, Ronon sniffs it like a good puppy to determine whether it's safe, even though iocane powder is odorless, tasteless, and one of the more deadlier poisons known to man. It seems that McKay and Ronon, both founding members of the Atlantis chapter of the Food!Yay Club, have developed their own eyefuck shorthand. Funny how Rodney still has no clue about military hand signals, yet instantly acknowledges the A-OK glance from Ronon and starts to stuff himself silly. Shep glances back and forth between the two men and his own plate, looking a little queasy at the idea of taking candy from strangers, and really, at this point, they don't know SuperWackyFord anymore. While the food critics chomp down on free grub, Ford introduces everyone. He singles out Ronon as being new to the team, but adds that he "thinks he's okay, too." Obviously, Ford has forgotten that they totally threw down in "Runner." Ronon glares at him, nostrils flaring, obviously pissed that Ford can forever claim to have been Teyla's first. That, and because he's protective of his team, which officially makes him the Nana of this twisted Peter Pan Does Anti-Space!Crack cautionary tale.
Shep refuses to touch the food, demanding to know "What is all this?" Ford's all, "Maggots, Sheppard. You're eating maggots." Luckily for the maggots, Shep's lost his appetite and is more concerned with their current predicament. He repeats, "What the hell is going on?" Teyla: "Who are these men? Why bring us like this? Is my hair okay? Are we going to sex?" Ford: "Whoa. Lots of questions. And... later." Because apparently, Wraith!crack addicts suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder. See, kids? Drugs, bad! Unless it's Prozac or Ritalin. Or the little blue pill -- which, given the outstanding hotness of the cast, no one actually needs. Ronon, chewing with his mouth full of food because Teyla still hasn't completed his training, sniffs a "Pick one." To which Ford gives him a condescending look. McKay, whose own table manners have devolved since befriending Ronon, also speaks around a mouthful of food and tells him to start his story from the end of "Runner." Shep and I are both disgusted at the deplorable table etiquette, and McKay excuses himself with an "I get nervous; I get hungry." Yes, but being nervous doesn't preclude a person from chewing with their mouth closed, does it? Ick. Ford takes a deep breath, giving us time to find a snuggly blanket (and a drink refill).
It's storytime, yay! Cue: an Aiden Ford twist on that time-tested plot device of a Cameron Mitchell Flashback, this time with the benefit of voiceovers. Everyone: "Oooooooh." We start off with the clip from "Runner" of Ford hitching a ride with a Wraith Dart. Wavy transitional effects lead to Ford rematerializing on a Wraith Cruiser. Cut back to the present: McKay, with a mouthful of food, interrupts this already way too long flashback sequence to add some very important scientific babble about the Wraith!crack making Ford immune to the Wraith!stunner. Flashback! SuperFord stabs, stuns, and then mutilates a Wraith goon by hacking into his arm. Ick. Because of the lax security on the cruisers, no one bothers Ford as he goes around collecting crack!sacs before escaping to the first friendly gate address he could remember... where he ends up meeting the boys who will become his Band of Merry Men. Sometime later in the past, Ford recounts his life story to a raggedy bunch of extras. In the flashback, SuperFord tempts them with the enzyme (Everyone: Drink!) which has made him stronger, faster, and more powerful while the Ford voiceover in the present informs Team Sheppard that he told the Lost Boys how the enzyme made him stronger, faster, more powerful, yadda yadda yadda. Redundant much? WE GET IT. Wraith!Crack GOOD. Just do drugs! Yeesh. Lost Boy Tootles looks suitably impressed, or maybe just stoned on some other recreational drug.
In the present, Ford commands the team to "Look at me. LOOK AT ME!" Because he lacks boobs, Shep does so reluctantly, probably bored out of his mind that this voiceover/flashback sequence has dragged on this long already. Teyla looks, but is all "yeah, whatever, I've seen it, pfft." And Ronon just chows down because he's contracted McKay's hypoglycemia and can't concentrate on anything that doesn't have calories or can't be digested. Ford's all, "Blah blah blah enzyme works, omg. Blah blah blah, I'm invincible, wheee!" *cries* I liked it better back when Ford was just stoned on his own giddy self. *misses old Ford!* Somewhere back in the middle of this Flashback That Needs To End Like Right Now, Ford's new minions foolishly want to try the Wraith!crack for themselves. *shakes fist* Peer pressure, DAMN YOU! In the present, Ronon finally stops eating long enough to wonder if all of Ford's "men" -- and he says it like it's a dirty word -- are space-crack'd. Ford love-taps Nibs and is all, "Duuuuh." Dude, I don't know what these kids have been up to, but Nib's got this huge green pit stain and if Wraith!crack makes your pores leak green things, then I want nothing to do with it; superpowerz, be damned. Back to the past: Ford's 4-H boys ambush two Wraith soldiers, but before Tootles can cut out their crack!sacks, Nibs reprimands him; they don't "do it like that anymore." No, they do it like this: Wraith soldiers chained up as diary cows to provide them an endless supply of space!crack. Oy.
Despite her love for him, Teyla rushes to judgement: "Aiden, you have Wraith pets? You're worse than Shep, omg!" Except she's still cutely eating -- deplorable table manners is eyefuck-transmitted, it seems -- so it cuts down on the power of her indignation. And then proceeds to tell him what a dumbass he is by reminding him that the Wraith can communicate with each other. All this is punctuated with a look of 'didn't I teach you anything?' Considering how well she's been training Ronon, I'm thinking... no. Ford triumphantly corrects her that the Wraith can't communicate between stars -- as we cut to a close-up of more gratuitous Shep!squinting and Shep!lip-licking -- and he happily points out that he "learned it from McKay; he learned it from watching McKay." (Wow, as an aside? I'm scared all these obscure drug PSA slogans are labeling me as 'fucking old.') Hmm... maybe McKay should be teaching Ronon table manners, too. Except McKay, with his mouth full, flatly responds with a "Good for me." Okay, maybe not. Ford gets all giggly and "they're all unconscious" before laughing at his own joke. Oh, dear. Wraith!crack makes people suffer from The Unfunnehs! And recap writing-induced drinking makes Pooh unfunny as well.
Shep -- who's been very silent so far and looking kind of constipated -- doesn't think the episode itself is very funny so far either, so he gets back to business. "Why'd you jump us?" Ford: "Because you're PRETTY!" And because it was the only way to get Team Sheppard to meet with him. At this, Shep attempts a demented puppy dog look and assures him that if Ford had just pretty-pleased them, they would have come willingly. Riiiiight. The kid is high on crack, not stupid! Ford is just as paranoid as me and agrees, "You and a special ops team." Shep rushes to contradict this with an incredibly feigned innocence. "No, no, no," but he doth protest too much and seriously, they have special ops teams on Atlantis? Aren't we looking at the Special Ops Team? What other combat skills do you need to fight Wraith and assorted crazies other than Hair, Chest, Boobs, and McKay?! Ford's all, "I know you think I'm crazy." Everyone: *silence* BECAUSE IT'S TRUE! Ford's all, "You're wrong! Do I look crazy?" As he proceeds to give Shep the craziest motherfucker stare ever. Shep obviously doesn't want to answer that question. Smart man. Ford continues, "Do I look out of control?" Everyone: "That was a rhetorical question, right?" McKay doesn't have quite the tact that Shep does, and spits out a "Are we speaking in relative terms or um..." Ha!
Ford cuts him off by introducing him to "Jace" who "has really fine-tuned the enzyme. We know how to administer it, how to regulate it, refine it. We've gotten so good, we can even lace food with it." Which means Jace will heretofore be nicknamed TinkerJace for he is the one responsible for turning the Wraith!crack into magical fairy dust. Everyone: *stare stare stare, omg* Ford: *inserts evil cackle* Then McKay hacks up all the food he's eaten. Thank god there's no vomiting noises, because frankly, bulimia is not a laughing matter. Ford's earnestly pleading for understanding: "I thought long and hard how to show you the enzyme was safe." Just wait until the FDA hears about this, mister! He goes on and on, stopping only to glance at Shep when he gets to the part about "convincing Weir" (ha!) before McKay finally works up enough anger at being treated like a human-sized lab mouse. McKay, pissed: "No, I will not settle down! I've been drugged against my will, you little punk!" Hee! Teyla: "You should not have done this, Aiden!" Aww, even when she's pissed at him, she's still willing to participate in namegasms. Hopefully, this means we get enzyme-accelerated sex later. *sniffles at my first Teyla OTP* Ford's all "haha" right before NanaRonon jumps up, ready to kill. The Boyz of this 'Hood stop him with weapons that look suspiciously like Genii handguns. ["Which oddly look like the Peacekeeper guns on Farscape. Oh originality, how I miss you." -- Phrenitis] Shep immediately skips after Ford, uninterested in McKay's "I toked pot" in college memories, because who hasn't? Yes, I'm looking at all of you; I'm sure none of you inhaled, either.
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Shep tries to talk some sense into Ford and that "Weir's not going to listen to us if we're all hopped up on the enzyme." Ford reveals that Shep's food was clean (because he lurves him). Well, it's about time that Shep's not the one getting royally screwed by injury or poison or DNA-altering whatever. Shep lets this bit of news sink in for a bit, but doesn't seem to get it so he asks, "Why? Why me?" Because you're pretty, dammit! Haven't we gone over this already?! Don't question it, for fuck's sake. And you don't need any more powerz now that you already wield the Super Power of the Hair, which really is more than enough. Ford has a much more logical answer, though (and who said logic can't have its place on this show?): "Elizabeth will listen to you, omfg!" Hee. EVERYONE KNOWS. McKay knows, Ford knows, Teyla knows, Beckett knows, Caldwell knows, Lorne knows... Every-fucking-one knows. Awesome. Don't you just love when your ship is validated (even indirectly) by other characters on the show? Shep employs the sheepish, totally busted, 'crap, that was supposed to be a SEKRIT' head-ducking and quickly changes the subject, imploring Ford to return to Atlantis and let Beckett check him out to prove that the enzyme has no detrimental effects. But obviously, that's too much logic for one scene -- not to mention reeking of a sneak attack, which Ford's heightened paranoia can't deal with right now. Ford stops just short of throwing a tantrum by insisting they stick to his plan. Shep looks on in disbelief because Ford used to be such a reasonable boy, but before he can object any more, Ford gives Team Sheppard free reign to roam around all they want because they're "part of the team now." Shep does the exasperated Aw Fuck Head Tilt because now he knows how Carson feels when he volunteers him for crappy assignments. ["And there was lip-licking!" -- Phrenitis] Payback, she's a bitch.
Somewhere in Vancouver, McKay is milking a DHD. The rest of the team watches. Both Teyla and Ronon are antsy and suspicious about the crack-happy band of boys letting them move freely. Teyla, who's practically doing a jitterbug with her inability to stand still, questions why SuperFord Pan and The Degenerate Boys would let them diddle around with the Stargate and possibly escape. Because Shep is a pessimist at heart, he patiently answers that he's "just waiting for the other shoe to drop." To which McKay exclaims a "Oh, that little bastard." And Shep, standing arms akimbo (cuz it's a fucking hot look for him), nods expectantly: "There it goes." I really wish Shep wouldn't talk about clothes and undressing (in any manner or form) around McKay because IT MAKES ME (AND MY UNBORN CHILDREN) CRY. Luckily, McKay forgoes the opportunity to squash me with a huge slash anvil since he's too busy griping that Little Bastard Ford has stripped the DHD of all the necessary crystals needed to work the gate, "something I showed him how to do on a mission, I might add." For those just tuning in, that would be "Home" to you. Shep orders him back to milking the DHD because according to fanon, McKay's an expert at being on his knees.
Ronon and I think this whole thing is pretty pointless, so he suggests that they fight back because "all we gotta do is get our hands on one stunner. I can take them all." Oh, NanaRonon. Such manly man arrogance will only get your ass killed. Always the cautious one, Shep poo-poos that idea, noting that while Ronon MAY be able to take on the team of supercrackwhores, "if we mess it up, whatever trust we might have been given will disappear." Teyla, who in this story gets to be Wendy by default (until I decide to make John Wendy instead), gives him the wide-eyed look of bewilderment. Shep's plan is to trick Ford, Nibs, Tinks, Larry, Curly and Moe into eventually making a mistake due to complacency around our Hapless Heroes. Again, Teyla honors him with a dirty glare: "And in the meantime?" Shep: "We play along," like it's the most natural thing to do. Teyla: *omgwtfareyoucrazy* Word, Teyla. Because this plan? Is shitty. Sorry, Shep. You're hot and you're walking sex on legs, but your plan is totally whack. Ronon stinkeyes him, sideways. Then, remembering that this is supposed to be an anti-drug PSA disguised as a sci-fi show, Shep checks on the general team health: "How are you guys feeling?" Ronon: "I'm a manly man, yo." Teyla: "something something something." Oh, er... she said something that I'm sure was very perceptive, but I'm distracted by her midriff. Dude? HER SHIRT HAS TOTALLY SHRUNK under the Laws of Shrinky Dink. Who the hell is doing the laundry on Atlantis, anyway? McKay finally gives up on the DHD, adding that he "ate [his] face off and [he] can feel it working." Because baiting him is an Atlantean national pasttime, Shep says "it's possible everything you're feeling may be psychosomatic." Dude. Is my urge to shake McKay very strongly every other episode also psychosomatic? Rodney pisses a "Oh, is that right, Professor Science? Is that your expert opinion?" Shep, quite nonchalantly: "Yes, it is." As an official Master!of!Science!, I wish these two would just stop talking to each other before I become an alcoholic to ward off the Anvils!of!Slash.
Atlantis. Lizzie greets a returning Lorne at the gate. Lorne is the CUTEST THING EVAR, OMG as he quickly debriefs for Lizzie, and totally not in that way even though I have no objections to a very nekkid Lorne. Lizzie wishes she didn't have to broach the subject, but informs him that "Colonel Sheppard's team is three hours overdue." Hee! Her Shep-sense is tingling! Everyone know about Shep and his lackadaisical timekeeping while on missions, so Lorne smartasses a "Wouldn't be the first time." Rawr! His dimples are threatening to KILL ME DED, omg. He barely suppresses a laugh, and then, because he knows Lizzie is a worrier where her boyfriend is concerned, Major Dimples tries to assuage her anxiety with a "Well, you know those guys." OMG, if Sparky weren't my OTP4Eva&Eva, I could very possibly 'ship these two. Only possibly, though, for I am more than happy to glee in their sibling-like playfulness with each other. Lizzie humors him and cutes a "What do I know about those guys?" Major Dimples tries to make light of the situation: "Just that they tend to get caught up in what they're doing and sometimes theeeeeyyyyyy..." and he draws it out in the cutest way ever, "don't check in." He quickly adds, "They forget how much you worry." HEE! OMG, HE IS SO FLIRTING WITH HER! MamaBear is more of a worrier than Shep! And everyone knows! To which Lizzie gives him the Glare of Doom with the added bonus of the Arched Eyebrow of Death and Destruction. Wheee! SO. MUCH. FUN! Behind Lizzie, safely outside of the Glare and Eyebrow Firing Range, the two guys on Lorne's team -- one of whom was Shep's new BFF during "Conversion" -- totally exchange a look of 'oh, shit' after Lorne's verbal faux pas; even they know calling her on her worrying could very well get the Dimples a major ass-kicking. Hee! Major Dimples quickly backtracks and clarifies a "How much we worry. Collectively, I mean." OMG. *DIES* Liking this answer better, Lizzie smiles a 'good boy!' smile and nods a "Yes, we do." Lorne is SO Lizzie's bitch and fears her awesome powers like whoa, so he nods: "Yes, we do." Then because Shep totally made him Lizzie's unofficial bodyguard and part of his duties include seeing to Lizzie's concerns, he orders his team back through the gate to search for Team Sheppard. Seriously, can Lorne be any cuter? I think not.
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Never Land. A mood-swinging, hot-flashing McKay paces the dining room complaining about the horrors of chemically-induced menopause. I demand that someone get this man a shot of estrogen crack enzyme (Everyone: Drink!) STAT before this gets old real fast. Shep ignores him, sitting at the big table twiddling his thumbs instead. Nana-puppy gets in Shep's face -- way too close in his face for my tastes, but I guess we needed a Shep/Dex anvil at some point in this episode -- and warns that he's feeling the same annoyance with McKay that I am and that McKay's ass is grass if he doesn't STFU soon. I knew there was a reason the Manly Man of Falsely Advertised Perpetual Shirtlessness was fast becoming one of my favorite characters on this show. Because he's boss, Shep plays peacekeeper and orders the good doggy to "Just be patient." Good Doggy's all, "Historically, that hasn't been a strength for me," before he starts stripping. Okay, okay, so he really only throws off the pimp coat but are you going to quibble with me when we should all be shocked that he not only used a five syllable word but also used it correctly? Shep's not quite as impressed since he's too busy secretly thinking up Big Plans of Escape from Crack-crazy Kids and shuts up Ronon with a snarled "I know!" Rar. I'm not even going to analyze the force of emotion behind that one statement, so all you slashers (*cries*) will have to make do on your own. So there.
SuperFord Pan chooses this moment to enter, swinging his ghetto neck chains of bling, and calls for Shep and Wendy, er, Teyla. Shep's all 'what now, omfg' as the camera pulls back to show Ronon's pimp coat draped over the chair beside Shep.... with the scabbard sticking up like a big ol' slashy anvil thing, omg. Stop it, dammit! Ford's got plans for the two and wants them to go with Nibs on an off-world mission so SuperFord Pan can show off the prowess of his men. Shep's all, "er, okay, fine, whatever you want" while Teyla looks like she's about to hump the table. Dude, not only has her SHIRT shrunk to tiny thong proportions, so has her jacket. Is this a bad time to complain about the unfairness of Lizzie's clothing not getting the same treatment? Forget Shep's pants and McKay's tight nipple shirts -- can the women please get some clothes that fit, too? She manages not to rub against the table while asking for their weapons, but Ford's all, "it's a spectator sport only" and Shep's all, "...yay?" Then, because he hasn't spoken in the past thirty seconds and is dying to, McKay skips up to Ford and eagerly asks for his assignment. Ford, bless his heart, gives him a dirty look while telling him TinkerJace will provide a grand tour for those in menopause and show him what they've done with the place. Obviously, even Ford knows that McKay without Cadman controlling him to macho man-ness, has enough testosterone to offer decorating tips but not enough to actually participate in dangerous missions. TinkerJace, who wielded the Evil Hyperdermic of Wraith Milking during one of those fun flashbacks, gives him a smile, nod, and eyebrow waggle. God, even the grown up kids wanna play with McKay. Blech.
Ford glances at Shep and warns, "Good, then if Sheppard tries anything off-world, then you'll be nice and close for me to kill you both." At this, Shep's face falls fractionally cuz dammit, he was totally busted just then, and he licks his lips as he rethinks his strategy. I like when Shep gets all thinky because of the gratuitous 'I'm thinking' lip-licking we're treated to. Mmmm, yum; it's not even my birthday. Everyone starts filing out to their respective corners. Ronon stalks around Ford, baring his teeth and glowering. The two make Meaningful Eye Contact, out of some kind of power play over being Manly Men and Loving Teyla... maybe even a How My Leather Is Hotter Than Your Leather pissing contest. On his way out, Ronon grabs his pimpcoat and tips over a chair defiantly, with a 'Oh yeah, well, take that, bitch. That's right. I took down your chair. Whatchoo gonna do about that, huh?' glare before stalking out all manly man-like. Oh god, if it weren't so insanely funny, it would be painful. Ford manages to bypass the laughing and heads straight to shaking his head over Ronon's pathetic, juvenile behavior. His expression: "I ain't picking that up; I've got minions for that shit." Well, Bamm-Bamm, nice try and all, but I'm gonna have to give this round to Ford; he totally pwned you there.
Same old wormhole. Except longer. And more... er... tunnel-y. I could probably make a pr0n joke here, but I choose not to. That's so passe. (I'll save it for later.)
Dark and scary forest. Shep and Teyla follow Nibs's boy band through the woods. They've apparently taken out a couple of Genii guards near the stargate. Nibs explains that the Genii have spies all over, making them the Pegasus Galaxy's SD-6. These guys are planning on raiding a Genii safehouse -- the existence of such safehouses will probably foreshadow a major plot point in some future episode this season -- which are often great sources of information and supplies. Teyla attempts to squeeze in between the two men before they cut her out of the scene and Shep merely face-acts Thoughtful and Serious and Hero-y, but mostly thoughtful. Nibs goes on to reveal that he used to be a Genii spy. [Phrenitis: "Except he totally says 'Jedi.'" Pooh: "He mumbles more than Ronon."] Oh, shit, so stealing from others -- and even from themselves -- runs in the Genii blood. This just gets better and better, doesn't it? Teyla has the same sentiments as she aims a 'nice plan, Shep, wanna rethink this whole trusting them thing again?' look at Shep. Shep: "Why don't you just walk in there." Double Agent Nibs: "I used to, but then they found out I betrayed them." Shep: "Duh." Nibs: *glare* Then Shep wants to know what the fuck they're doing there and what more could the Boyz in the Hood want from the Genii. Nibs admits that they're still collecting pieces for SuperFord Pan's Big Jigsaw Puzzle of Doom. Shep tries to glean information from him by playing stupid, all "And which plan would that be, again?" while Teyla stands in the back, trying to look all menacing and useful and whatever it is she's trying to do. No, seriously, she keeps changing positions like she's posing or something. Nibs takes a page out of the Book of Cliched Phrases For Suspense: "All will be revealed when the time is right." And then Shep takes a page out of his own Book of Sarcastic Responses: "Good. I'd hate for things to be revealed too early." Which causes Nibs to hate Shep a little for being both snarkier and prettier than him.
In the neighborhood meth lab, an ancient version of Excel is busy tracing scatter plots on a tube television. McKay and his tour guide are discussing geeky science stuff with TinkerJace rambling on like a skeevy used car salesman about the Telnorans and Palatians, who may or may not be possible allies in the future for Atlantis. The contents of the lab look like an unfortunate crossbreeding of the Genii underground bunker and DaddyKaylee!Wraith's lab back in "Instinct." McKay's all "Whatever" while his nerdy new best friend is practically bouncing with glee at his own technobabble, and ostensibly, with the opportunity to work with the great Dr. Rodney McKay. Unlike Shep's tour guide, this one is quite willing to spill all the secrets of the Lost Boy Collective they've gathered regarding the Wraith: 1.) they're territorial, and 2.) they're not a united front. Uhh... duh? So basically, sort of like the information we gathered from "Aurora" -- absolutely NOTHING NEW. TinkerJace hypothesizes that the Wraith are "fracturing even further," which is awesome because there's nothing like in-fighting amongst life-sucking cliques to mess up the fragile balance of the entire galaxy. Someone wake me up when they finally get to something NEW. Finally, TinkerJace pulls something out of his butt that might be useful -- you know, useful, if we didn't already sort of know it from before! -- that the Wraith seem to be setting up firewalls to their P2P networks to prevent sharing of information, attack plans, movies, MP3s, Atlantis episodes, and other PERFECTLY LEGAL FILES, OMG. Rar, they're worse than the MPAA, what with the literal life-suckingness going on instead of just the metaphorical.
TinkerJace shares that Ford thinks they all have Teyla to blame for this new twist in Wraith politicking. Go, Teyla. McKay, of course, makes the stinkface at this because a personality quirk of little ol' backwards Teyla is saving the world, and not due to some genius plan of The Answer Man. But TinkerJace is quick to point out that Teyla might not be the only one with this kind of power. Crap, you mean to tell me there are more Teylas out there?! Erm... *hides from mylittleredgirl's wrath* TinkerJace theorizes that the lopsided supply and demand of Humans As Food economics has caused divisions within Wraith cells. McKay, understandably, looks like he doesn't give a shit. Why? BECAUSE WE KNOW THIS ALREADY. Instead, he looks around and barely hides a sneering, "And you got all that from... this?" TinkerJace bounces his head happily: "Yes," but he would love the help of the great and awesome Dr. Rodney McKay. The begging for help obviously tickles McKay's ego, and he promptly offers his genius services. Wow, Ford's batting 1-for-2 on the Atlantean/LostBoy matchmaking now; it's too bad Shep's not having as much fun.
Crackh0r gym. In a scene reminiscent of Ronon's first gym session on 'lantis during "Duet," the insignificant and nameless members of SuperFord Pan's posse get beaten up by the illustrious Fordster himself. Hey, there's even a homemade fighting dummy (being used as a clotheshanger, no less, much like the stationary bike at my parents' house), albeit without a gorgeoussexyhot Leaning!Sheppard attached. Oh well, not every scene parallel can be perfect. There is, however, a Pimp!Ronon who silently watches the proceedings. Ford rolls up his imaginary sleeves and challenges, "You wanna spar a little?" (P.S. I think 'spar' means 'sex,' just so you know.) Except Ronon's more interested in merely eyefucking the hell out of Ford, who thinks it's actually kind of cute and says, "We're cool, right? You're not holding a grudge or anything." For their first encounter during "Runner" or for being Teyla's first OTP? You decide. Maybe it's both. Ford: "I did save your life." Ronon: *eyefuck* Ford: "People think your penis is bigger." Ronon: *eyefuck* Ford: "Hell, even I think your penis might be bigger." Ronon: *eyefuck* Ford: "But we compared during 'Runner' and it turns out we're pretty even." Ronon: "Yup." Ford: "Until Sheppard showed up. And his pants blew both of us away." (In the non-slashy way, OMFG!) Ronon: "So it's still undecided between the two of us. *eyefuck*" Ford: "All I'm saying, why do you think I even came close? It's the enzyme. It has magikil penis enhancing powerz, yo. Hotmail spam doesn't lie! Look what it did for me. (omg, poor Ford! that's just sad.) Imagine what it could do for you."
Everyone, I think we should all take a moment and do just that. *imagines* *awes* *whistles appreciatively* Damn, that Teyla is going to be one lucky bitch once Ronon starts taking the enzyme on a regular basis. Unless Ronon is no longer into Teyla? I mean, when Ford walks out of the room, Ronon's staring at Ford's ass. Of course, that could be because Ford totally glanced down at Ronon's pants before shooting him a suggestive smile and a "You'll come around. You'll see." So... Ford's generosity regarding Ronon's potential Wraith!crack enhancements might be sort of self-serving. Except it absolutely, entirely is. And sheesh, I can't believe that the lack of anvilly slashiness (and I mean that relative to the HORRIBLE EYE-SPORKING PAIN THAT WAS "Trinity") in this episode has caused me to start grasping at straws and making them up just to reach some imaginary status quo I've been conditioned to believe must exist for this show! WTF. Evil show. *smaps self*
Home again, home again, jiggity jig. Major Dimples sends a visual transmission informing Lizzie that Team Sheppard can't be found. Oh noes! Since protocol (Everyone: Drink!) dictates that teams check in with Atlantis before gating to another planet while off-world, this would be bad. Major Dimples lets Lizzie connect the dots herself because it's safer (for him) than being the one responsible for telling her that All The Main Characters have been team-napped. (Er... where's Carson?) Better not to take any chances, especially after his earlier 'you're such a worrier' faux pas. D'oh! For someone who's just been told that her boyfriend is in trouble YET AGAIN, Lizzie reacts pretty calmly to this bit of news. She asks if Major Dimples can run a trace and *69 (HEH, because I am 10) the DHD. And then, because he's so damn cute and smart enough to know his own limitations, Major Dimples reminds her, "Maybe somebody can, but that's a little out of my skill set." On 'lantis, this form of communication is usually considered radio-sex, especially when Sparky's involved, but Lorne's too much of a professional to participate in such silly behavior... even if I'm kind of flailing way too much at the hotness of the Lorne right now and think Lizzie should be doing the same. Lizzie smiles, because hell, that was fifty levels of cute and funny, and says she'll send Zelenka. EEEE!!! Major Dimple's all, "Good call." Heh. And YAY, ZELENKA'S GOING OFF-WORLD TO SAVE HIS BOYFRIEND!
Woods of Genii spies, crack addicts, and Shep. The Genii soldiers guarding the safehouse are idling around. No wonder Shep could singlehandedly kick their butts; these guys kind of suck at the whole soldiering thing. Shep: "Plan?" Nibs: "Force, yay!" Shep: "No, seriously." Then Teyla, who's still trying her damnedest to squeeze her tiny body between the two larger men, all 'look at me! I'm still here!,' helpfully clarifies: "I think the Colonel is interested in the type of attack?" Oh man, what would Shep do if Teyla weren't there to translate everything into Pegasus-speak for him? Too bad her Babel fishing is a bit rusty because Nibs is all "We plan to overpower them" which, to my Earth ears, still sounds pretty much like "Force, yay, omg!" Shep's all, "Whatever. I think it's best if we just watch." Which I thought was what they were planning on doing anyway, so this whole conversation is filler and therefore, stupid.
Nibs gives the order to engage over his Dick Tracy watch-radio even though they're all standing about five feet from the Genii guards and have been speaking in their normal voices. Blaster fire! Stunner zaps! Pow! Bam! Nibs grins proudly and looks to the Hot Guy for approval and praise, but Shep's disgusted: "What kind of plan is that?" And I'd have to agree, except this stupid plan let me watch Lost Boy Curly do a 'I'm running really fast, but really, I'm just jogging in place' thing that totally cracks my shit up and reminds me why extras are extras and stars are pretty but can act (mostly). Nibs shrugs because the charge worked. But because Shep's still Shep and any unnecessary loss of life (when it's on his "side") sucks balls, he finds the death of one foolish degenerate totally unacceptable. Therefore, the plan was poorly executed and deserves snarkage, which is what we all agreed on anyway. Now that the coast is clear, Nibs and Shep rush off to raid the safehouse. Poor Teyla did absolutely nothing in this scene except translate, widen her eyes at all appropriate times, and make shocked fish faces whenever the scene called for it. It really sucks to be a woman on this show sometimes.
Shep lopes over to the dead addict just to make sure he truly is dead, which he says as much. Teyla helpfully translates this for Nibs: "You are not invincible, dumbass." Nibs, because he's a egotistical prick, shrugs a "Close enough." Sure, it's perfectly okay when he's not in the direct line of fire, duh. Teyla scoffs because "there are skills to The Art of War." Yeah, seriously, these guys didn't use sticks and weren't even wearing semi-transparent clothing. Offended by a woman knowing more than him, Nibs jabs his fingers at Teyla and Shep, all "Omg, this is my mission, dammit. Tell your woman to shut up." Teyla sighs disgustedly and Shep's scrunched up face clearly conveys an 'ewww, so not getting involved with that.' He knows better than to touch that since he's surrounded by powerful women. Rawr. Lost Boy Curly comes out brandishing a metal container of... wait for it... C-4! Know how Shep and I know it's C-4? Because it says "C-4" everywhere. Um... exactly how much C-4 did Lizzie give the Genii in exchange for the two nukes anyway? Nibs finally lets them in on the planned fate for the C-4 charges: they're for the Hive. Because Nibs mumbles even more than Ronon on a bad day, Shep asks for clarification: "As in Hive ship?" Upon confirmation, Shep provides the obligatory wide-eyed look of 'hot damn, that sumbitch Ford really is a psycho h0r!' Teyla looks like she just wet her pants. And can I say... wow, damn those gung-ho, crazy-ass Marines. When SuperFord gets an idea, he aims for large scale. This, of course, for anyone who has NEVER watched a TV show in their life, will all end badly.
Poll
Reefer Den. Ford's all, "blah blah death, blah blah Wraith jumpdrive, yay." TinkerJace, true to his namesake, apparently has the hots for SuperFord Pan, if the path of his roaming eye is any indication. The love of a commander and his geek (omg, now there are slash parallels! MAKE IT STOP!) is apparently requited since Ford all but praises TinkerJace for figuring out that the Wraith are decimating all planets they encounter. The rest of the team stands around with expressions of boredom on their faces because... DUH, isn't that their normal M.O.? I'd like to take this aside to point out that Shep's pants fit. By god, they fit. Phooey. Now I can't decide what I'm more offended by: the lack of the usual Shep!Crotch shots, Teyla's shirt-that's-really-a-bra, or Nib's totally gross green sweat stain that's traveled from his armpit to his pants. Eww -- to two of those things; I'm sure you're smart enough to guess which ones. TinkerJace's PowerPoint presentation includes his calculations and estimates on which planets the Wraith plan on visiting as they drop out of hyperspace. The graphics are pretty much the same ones we've seen on Atlantis's flat screens, which is kind of disappointing. So even with their cooler, flashier toys, the Ancients weren't much smarter than a bunch of kids hopped up on Wraith enzyme (Everyone: Drink!). The rest of the plan -- and stop me if you've heard this one before -- includes sneaking onto the Hive ship and blowing it up with their stolen C-4. So, basically, your typical Stupid Plan That Will Inevitably Lead to Doom and Gloom and Lots of I Told You So's. I would be remiss if I didn't point out the eyefucking Nibs tries on McKay, who looks resigned to being its target and, for some reason, kind of used, if you know what I mean and I'm sure you do. *las* Presentation finally concluded, Ford eagerly anticipates Shep's response to his Awesome Plan of Crack.
Shep snaps out of whatever daydream long enough to realize that this is where he's supposed to give the obligatory "Cool" response, but instead provides a very unenthusiastic "Wow." Dude's not even trying to hide the sarcasm and Ford, whose intelligence hasn't been completely nullified by the Wraith!crack, calls him on it. Aw, it's sad how much Ford still hero-worships Shep. He's just looking for some kind of surrogate daddy approval, dammit. Is that too much to ask? Ford: "'Wow'? That's it, bitch? After all I did?" Shep, meanly: "You heard me, h0r. Whatchoo gonna do about it, Willis?" OUCH. Damn. I remember when these two used to be the bestest of buddies. *cries* Managing not to be waylaid by Teyla's boobs jutting out towards his face, McKay finally speaks up, "Let me see if I can couch Colonel Sheppard's 'wow' in more explicit terms." Shep and I both think he was plenty explicit enough, but McKay likes to hear his own voice so he continues, "That is a terrible plan." WORD. Teyla warningly "Rodney"s him because he needs to shut the fuck up before he gets them all killed, omg. However, spit hasn't started to spray from his mouth yet (though he's working up to it), and he is forced to keep ranting: "...made all the more frightening because you think it's a good plan." Ford woobies a "What's wrong with it?" Aw, poor guy, it's sad how he has absolutely NO CLUE. Know what I love about the fact that Shep has remained pretty quiet this entire episode -- we can believe that he's too busy calculating odds and coming up with escape plans to worry about joining in on the pointless sniping that McKay and Teyla can handle themselves. YES, that was exactly what he was doing. Because I said so. Forget SnarkyShep; this episode is all about ThinkingShep. Mmmmrawr. McKay rants some more but it comes down to one thing. Hive ship? Still in space. And unless Wraith!crack has super Matrix-y flying powers, there's no way they can actually gate into the ship. Of course, this is when Ford and his crackfairy exchange Knowing Glances of Love and totally shut down McKay. "We have a spaceship." Shep: "Ruh-roh?" Ronon: *absolutely silent eyecandy -- which is just how we loves him here at zeropointsnark* McKay, still clinging to the 'I'm right, omg' attitude, challenges: "Oh, yeah? What is it made out of -- bark?"
Um, no. Foam rubber, actually. Er... I feel like I'm standing in front of the Dumbo ride at Disney. Therefore, I'd like to believe TPTB raided an amusement park for scraps instead of the more reasonable explanation that the props department just plain sucks. Shep is oddly unaffected by the sight of a whole Dart that he can play with, wondering where they managed to procure such a neat toy. Ford: "Does it matter?" Which is crackspeak for 'we rescued it from Disneyland's garage sale.' Main reason for the whole team-napping: they need a real pilot. Wow, gotta hand it to Lizzie for insisting Shep join the expedition; just think of all the lame-ass plans that would have languished in Mission Planning Hell without his her0 sk1llz. Apparently, the group has tried flying it but only managed to get it all banged up. Let this be a lesson to anyone without a license; joyriding, bad! This, of course, brings forth the question of whether a gene of any sort is necessary to fly the damn thing, or if their inability to get the thing to work is a convenient plot device. Oh, and due to the dicking around with the Dart, the repairs are difficult enough to surpass TinkerJace's talents. Hence, McKay's usefulness. So... as usual, their Pegasusian teammates are pretty much worthless... except to sex and stand around shirtless. And OMG, I just figured out who TinkerJace reminded me of -- Eldon. WTF happened to THAT guy anyway? Married to Sora and off having babies on the mainland? Er, anyway, the plan hinges on McKay fixing the Dart, which Ford is convinced he can do because if his short stay on Atlantis taught him nothing else, it was that Shep is hot and McKay is a fucking genius. After that, it's just the simple logistics of Shep scooping them up with the Wraith!beam, dropping them off inside the Hive, and then scooping them up again after the explosives have been planted. Nibs: "See? Perfect!" McKay: "Nuh-UH!" Shep: "Possible, uh huh!" Teyla, who is not only the team's Babel fish but also the designated Voice of Reason when Lizzie isn't around, "Colonel"s him with a Headshake of OMGHAVEYOULOSTYOURMIND. Whatever, Teyla, I have faith in him, dammit!
McKay sputters in disbelief that Shep is considering the plan, which he correctly pegs as "insane." However, Shep is all, "Maybe not," with a look that is full of telepathic secret messages that unfortunately -- or fortunately, if you're looking at this from a (het) 'shipper's POV, THANK GOD -- does not compute through McKay's thick skull. Ford: "Can you fix it?" McKay: "Probably not." Shep: "That usually means 'yes.'" We already know McKay lies about shit like that all the time. Remember "Condemned"? Anyway, Shep attempts to initiate some form of Sekrit Eye-speak with McKay through the Power of Intense Gazing, which fails spectacularly. McKay: "Aren't you the one not taking the enzyme? (Everyone: Drink!) You're supposed to be the clear voice of reason here." And Shep rolls his eyes because McKay Just Doesn't Get It, omfg. Hell, I'm surprised Ford didn't get smacked in the head by the massive weight of the Flying Anvil of Hidden Messages Shep was trying to send via ocular transmission. Ford demands to know if McKay's going to do it or not. In a shocking turn of events, it seems that even if McKay could, he wouldn't, no matter how drugged he is. And then he pouts and walks off to sulk at how stupid everyone has become in the past few minutes. Shep all but mentally headdesks himself because it's never been this hard communicating with Lizzie through the Power of the Eyefuck (Sparky has long since transcended actual words! Squee!), and goes after him to pummel some sense into his thick skull. Meanwhile, Ford shrugs and shares a Meaningful Look with TinkerJace. I choose not to interpret any slashy anvils from that because it just might kill me.
For the rest of the season (actually, for the rest of MY LIFE), I don't think I need to see Sheppard chasing after McKay in a wheat field (or anywhere, really) ever again. EVER, kthx. As I cling to my sanity, Shep yells at McKay to stop, drop, and roll. Or, um... maybe to just shut up and listen or something. Then he lays out HIS counterplan, which is to get the rest of Team Sheppard onto Team Ford's Lame-Ass Crack (yeah, you heard me!), scoop them up, and use the Dart's DHD to dial home, sweet home. The he knocks some sense into McKay by pointing out that the Dart needs to be fixed first before Shep can initiate Plan: Countercrack. With the lightbulb finally going off above his head, McKay realizes that he's been a complete nutcase by doubting Shep in the first place and apologizes by woobieing that "I would have thought of that before I became a drug addict." HA! And RAWR to Shep putting his hands on his hips again (making his bit of gut seem strangely omgsexyhot) and assuring him that he's sure McKay would have. As the warbling notes of the One True Gay Love (aka Haha, Suck It All You Hetshippers Especially Pooh and Little Red) theme cues up, McKay wibbles a heartfelt "I'm sorry." Sheppard/McKay slashers everywhere pause their media players to screencap the hell out of this scene for future iconing, wallpapering and music vidding (I'm onto all of you; it's to spite us, isn't it? ISN'T IT?! *cries at this whole scene*) After a moment, McKay composes himself and is ready to rejoin the rest of the drug addicts. Shep comforts him by tenderly placing a hand on his arm and leading the way. Oh, dear god... I don't own the Slasher's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy, so I choose to WILLFULLY IGNORE the Slashy McSlashiness there. ["IT WAS TO FORESTALL MORE MCKAY BABBLE DAMMIT! *cries*" -- Phrenitis] I do, however, own the Hetshipper's Guide and I have one thing to say: OMG, THE TOUCHING! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOOOOOOOOOOOP! LIKE BROTHERS, DAMMIT -- SNARKY, PLATONIC, COMPLETELY NON-INCESTUOUS-LIKE BROTHERS. LALALALALALA. I know we didn't set up a drink cue for this, but I'm going to go ahead and finish my bottle of Twisted Black Cherry right now and then start on the Everclear, if you don't mind.
( Lost Boys recap, continued )
Previously on the show: Ford got all jiggy wid the Wraith!crack and tried to impress Shep with his new supa-powerz by going mano-a-mano with Ronon. When Shep tries to bring him back to Atlantis anyway, SuperFord escapes capture via Wraith!beam. Congratulations. You are now caught up on the We Have No Idea What To Do With Ford's Character So We'll Drop Him To Recurring Status To Avoid Having To Come Up With Any Real Stories For Him But Make Him Evil To Make Up For It plotline.
The last episode before the mid-season hiatus begins with an artsy-fartsy close-up of a trickling brook, located somewhere in the backwoods of Planet Vancouver. Off-screen, McKay and Shep are sniping at each other, proving that prison sex (see: "Aurora") doesn't necessarily strengthen a relationship. It also doesn't help that McKay would rather be on a "tropical beach planet populated by tall blonde women." AH HA! This particular gentleman prefers the adjectives: tall, blonde, and female. None of which - THANK GOD - describes Sheppard. As they stroll leisurely towards their inevitable doom, McKay gripes that Mission: Waste of Time should have been assigned to a "lower echelon" team. Poor Ronon, whose vocabulary is woefully limited to words two syllables or less, is all "jigga what?" Teyla, the official Babel fish for the team, helpfully deciphers the Rodneh-speak to mean "those who are not listed in the opening credits and are therefore expendable." Only not in so many words, because let's face it: Teyla's pretty succinct. And I am so not. We're finally told that a friend of a friend of a friend of Teyla's sent word about a possible ZPM location. Rodney whines that their ZPM tip hotline is shit and I'd have to agree, but because Teyla's still sore that the Athosians have ditched her since joining Team Atlantis, she warns him against talking smack about her friends with a very MamaBear-ish "Rodney!" Now, my Teyla OTP usually involves a very naked Ronon, but I'm suddenly not averse to Teyla/McKay fic bunnies breeding with each other. Dude! She's a Rodneh-decoder! She understands him! That's gotta count for something. Er, right? Anyway, Rodney's too busy yapping to care that Teyla is looking all sorts of cute right now. He's all "blah blabbity blah blah me me meeeee--" ZAAAAAPPPPPPPPP! And out of nowhere, a Wraith!stunner!blast knocks him out cold. Apparently, the Pegasus Galaxy is sick of hearing McKay's incessant whining so it sent a rag-tag group of kids wielding tree branches to shut him up. Sucks for the rest of the team, but hey, that's what they get for not shutting him up in the first place.
Insert stock footage of wooshy wormhole effect.
Somewhere... where they've solved the Freaking Huge Dining Room Table in an Itty Bitty Cave conundrum, Teyla and Ronon are sitting around with bags over their heads. Plates of food have been set before them, and because kidnappers don't usually take the time to play Martha Stewart to their guests, I'm thinking the team probably shouldn't eat any of that. The leader of this group of fine, upstanding young lads removes their bags. I didn't think you could get a nasty case of bag hair with a wig, but Teyla proves me wrong. As soon as Ronon can see, he tries to telepathically kill their host (who will now be randomly dubbed Lost Boy Nibs per Peter Pan lore) with a Focused Angry Monkey Glare. The camera pans around the table as a Blonde With a Bowl Cut yanks the bags off the heads of Shep and McKay. Well, it's not a tropical island, but this particular Blonde will have to do for McKay, and if the way Blondie's admiring McKay is any indication, it looks like the feeling may be mutual. Hey, I just call what I see. Hrm. A close-up of Shep confirms that the bedhead is, in fact, breaking at least ten laws of nature; whatever product he puts in it every morning has guaranteed that not one strand will suffer from the indignity of bag static. And to that, I say hallelujah; the Shep!Hair is sacred, after all. Shep immediately checks on his team's well-being before sassing a greeting to the kids gathered around the room, who smartly ignore the hairfreak of nature. Lost Boy Nibs offers to release their binds if they promise to behave, since being outnumbered 50 to 1 is certainly not enough to deter Team Sheppard unless they all pinky-swear first. Ronon immediately surferboys a "suuuure" and Shep isn't even trying to act innocent when he solemnly gives his Boy Scout's honor. At this, a familiar chuckle rings out off-screen. EEEEEEEEEEE! FORRRRRRRRRRD!!! But then TPTB try to distract me from FORRRRRRRD by tempting me with a close-up of Gratuitous Sheppard Lip-Licking. *wibble* FORD! Lip-licking! FORD! Lip-licking! GAH, it's like a Concentration Whiplash of Sexiness.
Our favorite Wraith!Crack addict enters the room and he rubs his hands together with the maniacal glee of a mustachioed villain. Over his old uniform, he's wearing what appears to be a leather mesh shirt of the variety that thankfully went out of fashion in the 90s because WTF were we thinking, world?! I blame his FreakyMagikEye for affecting his ability to pick out clothing when he gets out of bed. Ronon understandably has issues with Ford's fashion taste and snaps out of his chair to confront him, but since his pimp outfits aren't exactly the height of fashion either, Nibs gives him the "Heel! Stay!" order. Ford's all "Speak 'friend' and enter." And Shep, who must have forgotten to put in the contacts that day, melodramatically squints a "Ford?" Ford stares down at his ex-CO: "Thought I was dead, didn't you, Sheppard?" A Cymbal Roll of Suspense increases in volume as Sheppard initiates a game of Pass the Oh Noes by looking at McKay in shock; McKay, with the appropriate expression of bewilderment, eggs on Teyla, who eye-tags Ford in disbelief; Ford closes the circle by staring threateningly at Shep. Because Ronon is new to the team, he doesn't get to play. ["It's okay, Teyla's playing footsie with him under the table." -- Phrenitis] If TPTB whip out the PotCam from That 70s Show for this drug episode, I may need to molest the director. Erm...
A close-up of Ford's FreakyMagikEye takes us out to the credits. I don't know about y'all, but I cannot wait for the supaswank new credits. Wheeeeee!
I stand corrected. Ford's new outfit isn't made of mesh, but with homemade chainmail. This way, you'll know when he sneaks up on you. He plays the gracious host, imploring his old team to eat, eat, eat. To assure them that the food hasn't been poisoned, he steals one of Teyla's fries. After swapping spit all those months back on Atlantis, what's a little food between friends, right? RIGHT. And because he's never been one to turn down suspect food, Ronon sniffs it like a good puppy to determine whether it's safe, even though iocane powder is odorless, tasteless, and one of the more deadlier poisons known to man. It seems that McKay and Ronon, both founding members of the Atlantis chapter of the Food!Yay Club, have developed their own eyefuck shorthand. Funny how Rodney still has no clue about military hand signals, yet instantly acknowledges the A-OK glance from Ronon and starts to stuff himself silly. Shep glances back and forth between the two men and his own plate, looking a little queasy at the idea of taking candy from strangers, and really, at this point, they don't know SuperWackyFord anymore. While the food critics chomp down on free grub, Ford introduces everyone. He singles out Ronon as being new to the team, but adds that he "thinks he's okay, too." Obviously, Ford has forgotten that they totally threw down in "Runner." Ronon glares at him, nostrils flaring, obviously pissed that Ford can forever claim to have been Teyla's first. That, and because he's protective of his team, which officially makes him the Nana of this twisted Peter Pan Does Anti-Space!Crack cautionary tale.
Shep refuses to touch the food, demanding to know "What is all this?" Ford's all, "Maggots, Sheppard. You're eating maggots." Luckily for the maggots, Shep's lost his appetite and is more concerned with their current predicament. He repeats, "What the hell is going on?" Teyla: "Who are these men? Why bring us like this? Is my hair okay? Are we going to sex?" Ford: "Whoa. Lots of questions. And... later." Because apparently, Wraith!crack addicts suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder. See, kids? Drugs, bad! Unless it's Prozac or Ritalin. Or the little blue pill -- which, given the outstanding hotness of the cast, no one actually needs. Ronon, chewing with his mouth full of food because Teyla still hasn't completed his training, sniffs a "Pick one." To which Ford gives him a condescending look. McKay, whose own table manners have devolved since befriending Ronon, also speaks around a mouthful of food and tells him to start his story from the end of "Runner." Shep and I are both disgusted at the deplorable table etiquette, and McKay excuses himself with an "I get nervous; I get hungry." Yes, but being nervous doesn't preclude a person from chewing with their mouth closed, does it? Ick. Ford takes a deep breath, giving us time to find a snuggly blanket (and a drink refill).
It's storytime, yay! Cue: an Aiden Ford twist on that time-tested plot device of a Cameron Mitchell Flashback, this time with the benefit of voiceovers. Everyone: "Oooooooh." We start off with the clip from "Runner" of Ford hitching a ride with a Wraith Dart. Wavy transitional effects lead to Ford rematerializing on a Wraith Cruiser. Cut back to the present: McKay, with a mouthful of food, interrupts this already way too long flashback sequence to add some very important scientific babble about the Wraith!crack making Ford immune to the Wraith!stunner. Flashback! SuperFord stabs, stuns, and then mutilates a Wraith goon by hacking into his arm. Ick. Because of the lax security on the cruisers, no one bothers Ford as he goes around collecting crack!sacs before escaping to the first friendly gate address he could remember... where he ends up meeting the boys who will become his Band of Merry Men. Sometime later in the past, Ford recounts his life story to a raggedy bunch of extras. In the flashback, SuperFord tempts them with the enzyme (Everyone: Drink!) which has made him stronger, faster, and more powerful while the Ford voiceover in the present informs Team Sheppard that he told the Lost Boys how the enzyme made him stronger, faster, more powerful, yadda yadda yadda. Redundant much? WE GET IT. Wraith!Crack GOOD. Just do drugs! Yeesh. Lost Boy Tootles looks suitably impressed, or maybe just stoned on some other recreational drug.
In the present, Ford commands the team to "Look at me. LOOK AT ME!" Because he lacks boobs, Shep does so reluctantly, probably bored out of his mind that this voiceover/flashback sequence has dragged on this long already. Teyla looks, but is all "yeah, whatever, I've seen it, pfft." And Ronon just chows down because he's contracted McKay's hypoglycemia and can't concentrate on anything that doesn't have calories or can't be digested. Ford's all, "Blah blah blah enzyme works, omg. Blah blah blah, I'm invincible, wheee!" *cries* I liked it better back when Ford was just stoned on his own giddy self. *misses old Ford!* Somewhere back in the middle of this Flashback That Needs To End Like Right Now, Ford's new minions foolishly want to try the Wraith!crack for themselves. *shakes fist* Peer pressure, DAMN YOU! In the present, Ronon finally stops eating long enough to wonder if all of Ford's "men" -- and he says it like it's a dirty word -- are space-crack'd. Ford love-taps Nibs and is all, "Duuuuh." Dude, I don't know what these kids have been up to, but Nib's got this huge green pit stain and if Wraith!crack makes your pores leak green things, then I want nothing to do with it; superpowerz, be damned. Back to the past: Ford's 4-H boys ambush two Wraith soldiers, but before Tootles can cut out their crack!sacks, Nibs reprimands him; they don't "do it like that anymore." No, they do it like this: Wraith soldiers chained up as diary cows to provide them an endless supply of space!crack. Oy.
Despite her love for him, Teyla rushes to judgement: "Aiden, you have Wraith pets? You're worse than Shep, omg!" Except she's still cutely eating -- deplorable table manners is eyefuck-transmitted, it seems -- so it cuts down on the power of her indignation. And then proceeds to tell him what a dumbass he is by reminding him that the Wraith can communicate with each other. All this is punctuated with a look of 'didn't I teach you anything?' Considering how well she's been training Ronon, I'm thinking... no. Ford triumphantly corrects her that the Wraith can't communicate between stars -- as we cut to a close-up of more gratuitous Shep!squinting and Shep!lip-licking -- and he happily points out that he "learned it from McKay; he learned it from watching McKay." (Wow, as an aside? I'm scared all these obscure drug PSA slogans are labeling me as 'fucking old.') Hmm... maybe McKay should be teaching Ronon table manners, too. Except McKay, with his mouth full, flatly responds with a "Good for me." Okay, maybe not. Ford gets all giggly and "they're all unconscious" before laughing at his own joke. Oh, dear. Wraith!crack makes people suffer from The Unfunnehs! And recap writing-induced drinking makes Pooh unfunny as well.
Shep -- who's been very silent so far and looking kind of constipated -- doesn't think the episode itself is very funny so far either, so he gets back to business. "Why'd you jump us?" Ford: "Because you're PRETTY!" And because it was the only way to get Team Sheppard to meet with him. At this, Shep attempts a demented puppy dog look and assures him that if Ford had just pretty-pleased them, they would have come willingly. Riiiiight. The kid is high on crack, not stupid! Ford is just as paranoid as me and agrees, "You and a special ops team." Shep rushes to contradict this with an incredibly feigned innocence. "No, no, no," but he doth protest too much and seriously, they have special ops teams on Atlantis? Aren't we looking at the Special Ops Team? What other combat skills do you need to fight Wraith and assorted crazies other than Hair, Chest, Boobs, and McKay?! Ford's all, "I know you think I'm crazy." Everyone: *silence* BECAUSE IT'S TRUE! Ford's all, "You're wrong! Do I look crazy?" As he proceeds to give Shep the craziest motherfucker stare ever. Shep obviously doesn't want to answer that question. Smart man. Ford continues, "Do I look out of control?" Everyone: "That was a rhetorical question, right?" McKay doesn't have quite the tact that Shep does, and spits out a "Are we speaking in relative terms or um..." Ha!
Ford cuts him off by introducing him to "Jace" who "has really fine-tuned the enzyme. We know how to administer it, how to regulate it, refine it. We've gotten so good, we can even lace food with it." Which means Jace will heretofore be nicknamed TinkerJace for he is the one responsible for turning the Wraith!crack into magical fairy dust. Everyone: *stare stare stare, omg* Ford: *inserts evil cackle* Then McKay hacks up all the food he's eaten. Thank god there's no vomiting noises, because frankly, bulimia is not a laughing matter. Ford's earnestly pleading for understanding: "I thought long and hard how to show you the enzyme was safe." Just wait until the FDA hears about this, mister! He goes on and on, stopping only to glance at Shep when he gets to the part about "convincing Weir" (ha!) before McKay finally works up enough anger at being treated like a human-sized lab mouse. McKay, pissed: "No, I will not settle down! I've been drugged against my will, you little punk!" Hee! Teyla: "You should not have done this, Aiden!" Aww, even when she's pissed at him, she's still willing to participate in namegasms. Hopefully, this means we get enzyme-accelerated sex later. *sniffles at my first Teyla OTP* Ford's all "haha" right before NanaRonon jumps up, ready to kill. The Boyz of this 'Hood stop him with weapons that look suspiciously like Genii handguns. ["Which oddly look like the Peacekeeper guns on Farscape. Oh originality, how I miss you." -- Phrenitis] Shep immediately skips after Ford, uninterested in McKay's "I toked pot" in college memories, because who hasn't? Yes, I'm looking at all of you; I'm sure none of you inhaled, either.
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Shep tries to talk some sense into Ford and that "Weir's not going to listen to us if we're all hopped up on the enzyme." Ford reveals that Shep's food was clean (because he lurves him). Well, it's about time that Shep's not the one getting royally screwed by injury or poison or DNA-altering whatever. Shep lets this bit of news sink in for a bit, but doesn't seem to get it so he asks, "Why? Why me?" Because you're pretty, dammit! Haven't we gone over this already?! Don't question it, for fuck's sake. And you don't need any more powerz now that you already wield the Super Power of the Hair, which really is more than enough. Ford has a much more logical answer, though (and who said logic can't have its place on this show?): "Elizabeth will listen to you, omfg!" Hee. EVERYONE KNOWS. McKay knows, Ford knows, Teyla knows, Beckett knows, Caldwell knows, Lorne knows... Every-fucking-one knows. Awesome. Don't you just love when your ship is validated (even indirectly) by other characters on the show? Shep employs the sheepish, totally busted, 'crap, that was supposed to be a SEKRIT' head-ducking and quickly changes the subject, imploring Ford to return to Atlantis and let Beckett check him out to prove that the enzyme has no detrimental effects. But obviously, that's too much logic for one scene -- not to mention reeking of a sneak attack, which Ford's heightened paranoia can't deal with right now. Ford stops just short of throwing a tantrum by insisting they stick to his plan. Shep looks on in disbelief because Ford used to be such a reasonable boy, but before he can object any more, Ford gives Team Sheppard free reign to roam around all they want because they're "part of the team now." Shep does the exasperated Aw Fuck Head Tilt because now he knows how Carson feels when he volunteers him for crappy assignments. ["And there was lip-licking!" -- Phrenitis] Payback, she's a bitch.
Somewhere in Vancouver, McKay is milking a DHD. The rest of the team watches. Both Teyla and Ronon are antsy and suspicious about the crack-happy band of boys letting them move freely. Teyla, who's practically doing a jitterbug with her inability to stand still, questions why SuperFord Pan and The Degenerate Boys would let them diddle around with the Stargate and possibly escape. Because Shep is a pessimist at heart, he patiently answers that he's "just waiting for the other shoe to drop." To which McKay exclaims a "Oh, that little bastard." And Shep, standing arms akimbo (cuz it's a fucking hot look for him), nods expectantly: "There it goes." I really wish Shep wouldn't talk about clothes and undressing (in any manner or form) around McKay because IT MAKES ME (AND MY UNBORN CHILDREN) CRY. Luckily, McKay forgoes the opportunity to squash me with a huge slash anvil since he's too busy griping that Little Bastard Ford has stripped the DHD of all the necessary crystals needed to work the gate, "something I showed him how to do on a mission, I might add." For those just tuning in, that would be "Home" to you. Shep orders him back to milking the DHD because according to fanon, McKay's an expert at being on his knees.
Ronon and I think this whole thing is pretty pointless, so he suggests that they fight back because "all we gotta do is get our hands on one stunner. I can take them all." Oh, NanaRonon. Such manly man arrogance will only get your ass killed. Always the cautious one, Shep poo-poos that idea, noting that while Ronon MAY be able to take on the team of supercrackwhores, "if we mess it up, whatever trust we might have been given will disappear." Teyla, who in this story gets to be Wendy by default (until I decide to make John Wendy instead), gives him the wide-eyed look of bewilderment. Shep's plan is to trick Ford, Nibs, Tinks, Larry, Curly and Moe into eventually making a mistake due to complacency around our Hapless Heroes. Again, Teyla honors him with a dirty glare: "And in the meantime?" Shep: "We play along," like it's the most natural thing to do. Teyla: *omgwtfareyoucrazy* Word, Teyla. Because this plan? Is shitty. Sorry, Shep. You're hot and you're walking sex on legs, but your plan is totally whack. Ronon stinkeyes him, sideways. Then, remembering that this is supposed to be an anti-drug PSA disguised as a sci-fi show, Shep checks on the general team health: "How are you guys feeling?" Ronon: "I'm a manly man, yo." Teyla: "something something something." Oh, er... she said something that I'm sure was very perceptive, but I'm distracted by her midriff. Dude? HER SHIRT HAS TOTALLY SHRUNK under the Laws of Shrinky Dink. Who the hell is doing the laundry on Atlantis, anyway? McKay finally gives up on the DHD, adding that he "ate [his] face off and [he] can feel it working." Because baiting him is an Atlantean national pasttime, Shep says "it's possible everything you're feeling may be psychosomatic." Dude. Is my urge to shake McKay very strongly every other episode also psychosomatic? Rodney pisses a "Oh, is that right, Professor Science? Is that your expert opinion?" Shep, quite nonchalantly: "Yes, it is." As an official Master!of!Science!, I wish these two would just stop talking to each other before I become an alcoholic to ward off the Anvils!of!Slash.
Atlantis. Lizzie greets a returning Lorne at the gate. Lorne is the CUTEST THING EVAR, OMG as he quickly debriefs for Lizzie, and totally not in that way even though I have no objections to a very nekkid Lorne. Lizzie wishes she didn't have to broach the subject, but informs him that "Colonel Sheppard's team is three hours overdue." Hee! Her Shep-sense is tingling! Everyone know about Shep and his lackadaisical timekeeping while on missions, so Lorne smartasses a "Wouldn't be the first time." Rawr! His dimples are threatening to KILL ME DED, omg. He barely suppresses a laugh, and then, because he knows Lizzie is a worrier where her boyfriend is concerned, Major Dimples tries to assuage her anxiety with a "Well, you know those guys." OMG, if Sparky weren't my OTP4Eva&Eva, I could very possibly 'ship these two. Only possibly, though, for I am more than happy to glee in their sibling-like playfulness with each other. Lizzie humors him and cutes a "What do I know about those guys?" Major Dimples tries to make light of the situation: "Just that they tend to get caught up in what they're doing and sometimes theeeeeyyyyyy..." and he draws it out in the cutest way ever, "don't check in." He quickly adds, "They forget how much you worry." HEE! OMG, HE IS SO FLIRTING WITH HER! MamaBear is more of a worrier than Shep! And everyone knows! To which Lizzie gives him the Glare of Doom with the added bonus of the Arched Eyebrow of Death and Destruction. Wheee! SO. MUCH. FUN! Behind Lizzie, safely outside of the Glare and Eyebrow Firing Range, the two guys on Lorne's team -- one of whom was Shep's new BFF during "Conversion" -- totally exchange a look of 'oh, shit' after Lorne's verbal faux pas; even they know calling her on her worrying could very well get the Dimples a major ass-kicking. Hee! Major Dimples quickly backtracks and clarifies a "How much we worry. Collectively, I mean." OMG. *DIES* Liking this answer better, Lizzie smiles a 'good boy!' smile and nods a "Yes, we do." Lorne is SO Lizzie's bitch and fears her awesome powers like whoa, so he nods: "Yes, we do." Then because Shep totally made him Lizzie's unofficial bodyguard and part of his duties include seeing to Lizzie's concerns, he orders his team back through the gate to search for Team Sheppard. Seriously, can Lorne be any cuter? I think not.
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Never Land. A mood-swinging, hot-flashing McKay paces the dining room complaining about the horrors of chemically-induced menopause. I demand that someone get this man a shot of estrogen crack enzyme (Everyone: Drink!) STAT before this gets old real fast. Shep ignores him, sitting at the big table twiddling his thumbs instead. Nana-puppy gets in Shep's face -- way too close in his face for my tastes, but I guess we needed a Shep/Dex anvil at some point in this episode -- and warns that he's feeling the same annoyance with McKay that I am and that McKay's ass is grass if he doesn't STFU soon. I knew there was a reason the Manly Man of Falsely Advertised Perpetual Shirtlessness was fast becoming one of my favorite characters on this show. Because he's boss, Shep plays peacekeeper and orders the good doggy to "Just be patient." Good Doggy's all, "Historically, that hasn't been a strength for me," before he starts stripping. Okay, okay, so he really only throws off the pimp coat but are you going to quibble with me when we should all be shocked that he not only used a five syllable word but also used it correctly? Shep's not quite as impressed since he's too busy secretly thinking up Big Plans of Escape from Crack-crazy Kids and shuts up Ronon with a snarled "I know!" Rar. I'm not even going to analyze the force of emotion behind that one statement, so all you slashers (*cries*) will have to make do on your own. So there.
SuperFord Pan chooses this moment to enter, swinging his ghetto neck chains of bling, and calls for Shep and Wendy, er, Teyla. Shep's all 'what now, omfg' as the camera pulls back to show Ronon's pimp coat draped over the chair beside Shep.... with the scabbard sticking up like a big ol' slashy anvil thing, omg. Stop it, dammit! Ford's got plans for the two and wants them to go with Nibs on an off-world mission so SuperFord Pan can show off the prowess of his men. Shep's all, "er, okay, fine, whatever you want" while Teyla looks like she's about to hump the table. Dude, not only has her SHIRT shrunk to tiny thong proportions, so has her jacket. Is this a bad time to complain about the unfairness of Lizzie's clothing not getting the same treatment? Forget Shep's pants and McKay's tight nipple shirts -- can the women please get some clothes that fit, too? She manages not to rub against the table while asking for their weapons, but Ford's all, "it's a spectator sport only" and Shep's all, "...yay?" Then, because he hasn't spoken in the past thirty seconds and is dying to, McKay skips up to Ford and eagerly asks for his assignment. Ford, bless his heart, gives him a dirty look while telling him TinkerJace will provide a grand tour for those in menopause and show him what they've done with the place. Obviously, even Ford knows that McKay without Cadman controlling him to macho man-ness, has enough testosterone to offer decorating tips but not enough to actually participate in dangerous missions. TinkerJace, who wielded the Evil Hyperdermic of Wraith Milking during one of those fun flashbacks, gives him a smile, nod, and eyebrow waggle. God, even the grown up kids wanna play with McKay. Blech.
Ford glances at Shep and warns, "Good, then if Sheppard tries anything off-world, then you'll be nice and close for me to kill you both." At this, Shep's face falls fractionally cuz dammit, he was totally busted just then, and he licks his lips as he rethinks his strategy. I like when Shep gets all thinky because of the gratuitous 'I'm thinking' lip-licking we're treated to. Mmmm, yum; it's not even my birthday. Everyone starts filing out to their respective corners. Ronon stalks around Ford, baring his teeth and glowering. The two make Meaningful Eye Contact, out of some kind of power play over being Manly Men and Loving Teyla... maybe even a How My Leather Is Hotter Than Your Leather pissing contest. On his way out, Ronon grabs his pimpcoat and tips over a chair defiantly, with a 'Oh yeah, well, take that, bitch. That's right. I took down your chair. Whatchoo gonna do about that, huh?' glare before stalking out all manly man-like. Oh god, if it weren't so insanely funny, it would be painful. Ford manages to bypass the laughing and heads straight to shaking his head over Ronon's pathetic, juvenile behavior. His expression: "I ain't picking that up; I've got minions for that shit." Well, Bamm-Bamm, nice try and all, but I'm gonna have to give this round to Ford; he totally pwned you there.
Same old wormhole. Except longer. And more... er... tunnel-y. I could probably make a pr0n joke here, but I choose not to. That's so passe. (I'll save it for later.)
Dark and scary forest. Shep and Teyla follow Nibs's boy band through the woods. They've apparently taken out a couple of Genii guards near the stargate. Nibs explains that the Genii have spies all over, making them the Pegasus Galaxy's SD-6. These guys are planning on raiding a Genii safehouse -- the existence of such safehouses will probably foreshadow a major plot point in some future episode this season -- which are often great sources of information and supplies. Teyla attempts to squeeze in between the two men before they cut her out of the scene and Shep merely face-acts Thoughtful and Serious and Hero-y, but mostly thoughtful. Nibs goes on to reveal that he used to be a Genii spy. [Phrenitis: "Except he totally says 'Jedi.'" Pooh: "He mumbles more than Ronon."] Oh, shit, so stealing from others -- and even from themselves -- runs in the Genii blood. This just gets better and better, doesn't it? Teyla has the same sentiments as she aims a 'nice plan, Shep, wanna rethink this whole trusting them thing again?' look at Shep. Shep: "Why don't you just walk in there." Double Agent Nibs: "I used to, but then they found out I betrayed them." Shep: "Duh." Nibs: *glare* Then Shep wants to know what the fuck they're doing there and what more could the Boyz in the Hood want from the Genii. Nibs admits that they're still collecting pieces for SuperFord Pan's Big Jigsaw Puzzle of Doom. Shep tries to glean information from him by playing stupid, all "And which plan would that be, again?" while Teyla stands in the back, trying to look all menacing and useful and whatever it is she's trying to do. No, seriously, she keeps changing positions like she's posing or something. Nibs takes a page out of the Book of Cliched Phrases For Suspense: "All will be revealed when the time is right." And then Shep takes a page out of his own Book of Sarcastic Responses: "Good. I'd hate for things to be revealed too early." Which causes Nibs to hate Shep a little for being both snarkier and prettier than him.
In the neighborhood meth lab, an ancient version of Excel is busy tracing scatter plots on a tube television. McKay and his tour guide are discussing geeky science stuff with TinkerJace rambling on like a skeevy used car salesman about the Telnorans and Palatians, who may or may not be possible allies in the future for Atlantis. The contents of the lab look like an unfortunate crossbreeding of the Genii underground bunker and DaddyKaylee!Wraith's lab back in "Instinct." McKay's all "Whatever" while his nerdy new best friend is practically bouncing with glee at his own technobabble, and ostensibly, with the opportunity to work with the great Dr. Rodney McKay. Unlike Shep's tour guide, this one is quite willing to spill all the secrets of the Lost Boy Collective they've gathered regarding the Wraith: 1.) they're territorial, and 2.) they're not a united front. Uhh... duh? So basically, sort of like the information we gathered from "Aurora" -- absolutely NOTHING NEW. TinkerJace hypothesizes that the Wraith are "fracturing even further," which is awesome because there's nothing like in-fighting amongst life-sucking cliques to mess up the fragile balance of the entire galaxy. Someone wake me up when they finally get to something NEW. Finally, TinkerJace pulls something out of his butt that might be useful -- you know, useful, if we didn't already sort of know it from before! -- that the Wraith seem to be setting up firewalls to their P2P networks to prevent sharing of information, attack plans, movies, MP3s, Atlantis episodes, and other PERFECTLY LEGAL FILES, OMG. Rar, they're worse than the MPAA, what with the literal life-suckingness going on instead of just the metaphorical.
TinkerJace shares that Ford thinks they all have Teyla to blame for this new twist in Wraith politicking. Go, Teyla. McKay, of course, makes the stinkface at this because a personality quirk of little ol' backwards Teyla is saving the world, and not due to some genius plan of The Answer Man. But TinkerJace is quick to point out that Teyla might not be the only one with this kind of power. Crap, you mean to tell me there are more Teylas out there?! Erm... *hides from mylittleredgirl's wrath* TinkerJace theorizes that the lopsided supply and demand of Humans As Food economics has caused divisions within Wraith cells. McKay, understandably, looks like he doesn't give a shit. Why? BECAUSE WE KNOW THIS ALREADY. Instead, he looks around and barely hides a sneering, "And you got all that from... this?" TinkerJace bounces his head happily: "Yes," but he would love the help of the great and awesome Dr. Rodney McKay. The begging for help obviously tickles McKay's ego, and he promptly offers his genius services. Wow, Ford's batting 1-for-2 on the Atlantean/LostBoy matchmaking now; it's too bad Shep's not having as much fun.
Crackh0r gym. In a scene reminiscent of Ronon's first gym session on 'lantis during "Duet," the insignificant and nameless members of SuperFord Pan's posse get beaten up by the illustrious Fordster himself. Hey, there's even a homemade fighting dummy (being used as a clotheshanger, no less, much like the stationary bike at my parents' house), albeit without a gorgeoussexyhot Leaning!Sheppard attached. Oh well, not every scene parallel can be perfect. There is, however, a Pimp!Ronon who silently watches the proceedings. Ford rolls up his imaginary sleeves and challenges, "You wanna spar a little?" (P.S. I think 'spar' means 'sex,' just so you know.) Except Ronon's more interested in merely eyefucking the hell out of Ford, who thinks it's actually kind of cute and says, "We're cool, right? You're not holding a grudge or anything." For their first encounter during "Runner" or for being Teyla's first OTP? You decide. Maybe it's both. Ford: "I did save your life." Ronon: *eyefuck* Ford: "People think your penis is bigger." Ronon: *eyefuck* Ford: "Hell, even I think your penis might be bigger." Ronon: *eyefuck* Ford: "But we compared during 'Runner' and it turns out we're pretty even." Ronon: "Yup." Ford: "Until Sheppard showed up. And his pants blew both of us away." (In the non-slashy way, OMFG!) Ronon: "So it's still undecided between the two of us. *eyefuck*" Ford: "All I'm saying, why do you think I even came close? It's the enzyme. It has magikil penis enhancing powerz, yo. Hotmail spam doesn't lie! Look what it did for me. (omg, poor Ford! that's just sad.) Imagine what it could do for you."
Everyone, I think we should all take a moment and do just that. *imagines* *awes* *whistles appreciatively* Damn, that Teyla is going to be one lucky bitch once Ronon starts taking the enzyme on a regular basis. Unless Ronon is no longer into Teyla? I mean, when Ford walks out of the room, Ronon's staring at Ford's ass. Of course, that could be because Ford totally glanced down at Ronon's pants before shooting him a suggestive smile and a "You'll come around. You'll see." So... Ford's generosity regarding Ronon's potential Wraith!crack enhancements might be sort of self-serving. Except it absolutely, entirely is. And sheesh, I can't believe that the lack of anvilly slashiness (and I mean that relative to the HORRIBLE EYE-SPORKING PAIN THAT WAS "Trinity") in this episode has caused me to start grasping at straws and making them up just to reach some imaginary status quo I've been conditioned to believe must exist for this show! WTF. Evil show. *smaps self*
Home again, home again, jiggity jig. Major Dimples sends a visual transmission informing Lizzie that Team Sheppard can't be found. Oh noes! Since protocol (Everyone: Drink!) dictates that teams check in with Atlantis before gating to another planet while off-world, this would be bad. Major Dimples lets Lizzie connect the dots herself because it's safer (for him) than being the one responsible for telling her that All The Main Characters have been team-napped. (Er... where's Carson?) Better not to take any chances, especially after his earlier 'you're such a worrier' faux pas. D'oh! For someone who's just been told that her boyfriend is in trouble YET AGAIN, Lizzie reacts pretty calmly to this bit of news. She asks if Major Dimples can run a trace and *69 (HEH, because I am 10) the DHD. And then, because he's so damn cute and smart enough to know his own limitations, Major Dimples reminds her, "Maybe somebody can, but that's a little out of my skill set." On 'lantis, this form of communication is usually considered radio-sex, especially when Sparky's involved, but Lorne's too much of a professional to participate in such silly behavior... even if I'm kind of flailing way too much at the hotness of the Lorne right now and think Lizzie should be doing the same. Lizzie smiles, because hell, that was fifty levels of cute and funny, and says she'll send Zelenka. EEEE!!! Major Dimple's all, "Good call." Heh. And YAY, ZELENKA'S GOING OFF-WORLD TO SAVE HIS BOYFRIEND!
Woods of Genii spies, crack addicts, and Shep. The Genii soldiers guarding the safehouse are idling around. No wonder Shep could singlehandedly kick their butts; these guys kind of suck at the whole soldiering thing. Shep: "Plan?" Nibs: "Force, yay!" Shep: "No, seriously." Then Teyla, who's still trying her damnedest to squeeze her tiny body between the two larger men, all 'look at me! I'm still here!,' helpfully clarifies: "I think the Colonel is interested in the type of attack?" Oh man, what would Shep do if Teyla weren't there to translate everything into Pegasus-speak for him? Too bad her Babel fishing is a bit rusty because Nibs is all "We plan to overpower them" which, to my Earth ears, still sounds pretty much like "Force, yay, omg!" Shep's all, "Whatever. I think it's best if we just watch." Which I thought was what they were planning on doing anyway, so this whole conversation is filler and therefore, stupid.
Nibs gives the order to engage over his Dick Tracy watch-radio even though they're all standing about five feet from the Genii guards and have been speaking in their normal voices. Blaster fire! Stunner zaps! Pow! Bam! Nibs grins proudly and looks to the Hot Guy for approval and praise, but Shep's disgusted: "What kind of plan is that?" And I'd have to agree, except this stupid plan let me watch Lost Boy Curly do a 'I'm running really fast, but really, I'm just jogging in place' thing that totally cracks my shit up and reminds me why extras are extras and stars are pretty but can act (mostly). Nibs shrugs because the charge worked. But because Shep's still Shep and any unnecessary loss of life (when it's on his "side") sucks balls, he finds the death of one foolish degenerate totally unacceptable. Therefore, the plan was poorly executed and deserves snarkage, which is what we all agreed on anyway. Now that the coast is clear, Nibs and Shep rush off to raid the safehouse. Poor Teyla did absolutely nothing in this scene except translate, widen her eyes at all appropriate times, and make shocked fish faces whenever the scene called for it. It really sucks to be a woman on this show sometimes.
Shep lopes over to the dead addict just to make sure he truly is dead, which he says as much. Teyla helpfully translates this for Nibs: "You are not invincible, dumbass." Nibs, because he's a egotistical prick, shrugs a "Close enough." Sure, it's perfectly okay when he's not in the direct line of fire, duh. Teyla scoffs because "there are skills to The Art of War." Yeah, seriously, these guys didn't use sticks and weren't even wearing semi-transparent clothing. Offended by a woman knowing more than him, Nibs jabs his fingers at Teyla and Shep, all "Omg, this is my mission, dammit. Tell your woman to shut up." Teyla sighs disgustedly and Shep's scrunched up face clearly conveys an 'ewww, so not getting involved with that.' He knows better than to touch that since he's surrounded by powerful women. Rawr. Lost Boy Curly comes out brandishing a metal container of... wait for it... C-4! Know how Shep and I know it's C-4? Because it says "C-4" everywhere. Um... exactly how much C-4 did Lizzie give the Genii in exchange for the two nukes anyway? Nibs finally lets them in on the planned fate for the C-4 charges: they're for the Hive. Because Nibs mumbles even more than Ronon on a bad day, Shep asks for clarification: "As in Hive ship?" Upon confirmation, Shep provides the obligatory wide-eyed look of 'hot damn, that sumbitch Ford really is a psycho h0r!' Teyla looks like she just wet her pants. And can I say... wow, damn those gung-ho, crazy-ass Marines. When SuperFord gets an idea, he aims for large scale. This, of course, for anyone who has NEVER watched a TV show in their life, will all end badly.
Poll
Reefer Den. Ford's all, "blah blah death, blah blah Wraith jumpdrive, yay." TinkerJace, true to his namesake, apparently has the hots for SuperFord Pan, if the path of his roaming eye is any indication. The love of a commander and his geek (omg, now there are slash parallels! MAKE IT STOP!) is apparently requited since Ford all but praises TinkerJace for figuring out that the Wraith are decimating all planets they encounter. The rest of the team stands around with expressions of boredom on their faces because... DUH, isn't that their normal M.O.? I'd like to take this aside to point out that Shep's pants fit. By god, they fit. Phooey. Now I can't decide what I'm more offended by: the lack of the usual Shep!Crotch shots, Teyla's shirt-that's-really-a-bra, or Nib's totally gross green sweat stain that's traveled from his armpit to his pants. Eww -- to two of those things; I'm sure you're smart enough to guess which ones. TinkerJace's PowerPoint presentation includes his calculations and estimates on which planets the Wraith plan on visiting as they drop out of hyperspace. The graphics are pretty much the same ones we've seen on Atlantis's flat screens, which is kind of disappointing. So even with their cooler, flashier toys, the Ancients weren't much smarter than a bunch of kids hopped up on Wraith enzyme (Everyone: Drink!). The rest of the plan -- and stop me if you've heard this one before -- includes sneaking onto the Hive ship and blowing it up with their stolen C-4. So, basically, your typical Stupid Plan That Will Inevitably Lead to Doom and Gloom and Lots of I Told You So's. I would be remiss if I didn't point out the eyefucking Nibs tries on McKay, who looks resigned to being its target and, for some reason, kind of used, if you know what I mean and I'm sure you do. *las* Presentation finally concluded, Ford eagerly anticipates Shep's response to his Awesome Plan of Crack.
Shep snaps out of whatever daydream long enough to realize that this is where he's supposed to give the obligatory "Cool" response, but instead provides a very unenthusiastic "Wow." Dude's not even trying to hide the sarcasm and Ford, whose intelligence hasn't been completely nullified by the Wraith!crack, calls him on it. Aw, it's sad how much Ford still hero-worships Shep. He's just looking for some kind of surrogate daddy approval, dammit. Is that too much to ask? Ford: "'Wow'? That's it, bitch? After all I did?" Shep, meanly: "You heard me, h0r. Whatchoo gonna do about it, Willis?" OUCH. Damn. I remember when these two used to be the bestest of buddies. *cries* Managing not to be waylaid by Teyla's boobs jutting out towards his face, McKay finally speaks up, "Let me see if I can couch Colonel Sheppard's 'wow' in more explicit terms." Shep and I both think he was plenty explicit enough, but McKay likes to hear his own voice so he continues, "That is a terrible plan." WORD. Teyla warningly "Rodney"s him because he needs to shut the fuck up before he gets them all killed, omg. However, spit hasn't started to spray from his mouth yet (though he's working up to it), and he is forced to keep ranting: "...made all the more frightening because you think it's a good plan." Ford woobies a "What's wrong with it?" Aw, poor guy, it's sad how he has absolutely NO CLUE. Know what I love about the fact that Shep has remained pretty quiet this entire episode -- we can believe that he's too busy calculating odds and coming up with escape plans to worry about joining in on the pointless sniping that McKay and Teyla can handle themselves. YES, that was exactly what he was doing. Because I said so. Forget SnarkyShep; this episode is all about ThinkingShep. Mmmmrawr. McKay rants some more but it comes down to one thing. Hive ship? Still in space. And unless Wraith!crack has super Matrix-y flying powers, there's no way they can actually gate into the ship. Of course, this is when Ford and his crackfairy exchange Knowing Glances of Love and totally shut down McKay. "We have a spaceship." Shep: "Ruh-roh?" Ronon: *absolutely silent eyecandy -- which is just how we loves him here at zeropointsnark* McKay, still clinging to the 'I'm right, omg' attitude, challenges: "Oh, yeah? What is it made out of -- bark?"
Um, no. Foam rubber, actually. Er... I feel like I'm standing in front of the Dumbo ride at Disney. Therefore, I'd like to believe TPTB raided an amusement park for scraps instead of the more reasonable explanation that the props department just plain sucks. Shep is oddly unaffected by the sight of a whole Dart that he can play with, wondering where they managed to procure such a neat toy. Ford: "Does it matter?" Which is crackspeak for 'we rescued it from Disneyland's garage sale.' Main reason for the whole team-napping: they need a real pilot. Wow, gotta hand it to Lizzie for insisting Shep join the expedition; just think of all the lame-ass plans that would have languished in Mission Planning Hell without his her0 sk1llz. Apparently, the group has tried flying it but only managed to get it all banged up. Let this be a lesson to anyone without a license; joyriding, bad! This, of course, brings forth the question of whether a gene of any sort is necessary to fly the damn thing, or if their inability to get the thing to work is a convenient plot device. Oh, and due to the dicking around with the Dart, the repairs are difficult enough to surpass TinkerJace's talents. Hence, McKay's usefulness. So... as usual, their Pegasusian teammates are pretty much worthless... except to sex and stand around shirtless. And OMG, I just figured out who TinkerJace reminded me of -- Eldon. WTF happened to THAT guy anyway? Married to Sora and off having babies on the mainland? Er, anyway, the plan hinges on McKay fixing the Dart, which Ford is convinced he can do because if his short stay on Atlantis taught him nothing else, it was that Shep is hot and McKay is a fucking genius. After that, it's just the simple logistics of Shep scooping them up with the Wraith!beam, dropping them off inside the Hive, and then scooping them up again after the explosives have been planted. Nibs: "See? Perfect!" McKay: "Nuh-UH!" Shep: "Possible, uh huh!" Teyla, who is not only the team's Babel fish but also the designated Voice of Reason when Lizzie isn't around, "Colonel"s him with a Headshake of OMGHAVEYOULOSTYOURMIND. Whatever, Teyla, I have faith in him, dammit!
McKay sputters in disbelief that Shep is considering the plan, which he correctly pegs as "insane." However, Shep is all, "Maybe not," with a look that is full of telepathic secret messages that unfortunately -- or fortunately, if you're looking at this from a (het) 'shipper's POV, THANK GOD -- does not compute through McKay's thick skull. Ford: "Can you fix it?" McKay: "Probably not." Shep: "That usually means 'yes.'" We already know McKay lies about shit like that all the time. Remember "Condemned"? Anyway, Shep attempts to initiate some form of Sekrit Eye-speak with McKay through the Power of Intense Gazing, which fails spectacularly. McKay: "Aren't you the one not taking the enzyme? (Everyone: Drink!) You're supposed to be the clear voice of reason here." And Shep rolls his eyes because McKay Just Doesn't Get It, omfg. Hell, I'm surprised Ford didn't get smacked in the head by the massive weight of the Flying Anvil of Hidden Messages Shep was trying to send via ocular transmission. Ford demands to know if McKay's going to do it or not. In a shocking turn of events, it seems that even if McKay could, he wouldn't, no matter how drugged he is. And then he pouts and walks off to sulk at how stupid everyone has become in the past few minutes. Shep all but mentally headdesks himself because it's never been this hard communicating with Lizzie through the Power of the Eyefuck (Sparky has long since transcended actual words! Squee!), and goes after him to pummel some sense into his thick skull. Meanwhile, Ford shrugs and shares a Meaningful Look with TinkerJace. I choose not to interpret any slashy anvils from that because it just might kill me.
For the rest of the season (actually, for the rest of MY LIFE), I don't think I need to see Sheppard chasing after McKay in a wheat field (or anywhere, really) ever again. EVER, kthx. As I cling to my sanity, Shep yells at McKay to stop, drop, and roll. Or, um... maybe to just shut up and listen or something. Then he lays out HIS counterplan, which is to get the rest of Team Sheppard onto Team Ford's Lame-Ass Crack (yeah, you heard me!), scoop them up, and use the Dart's DHD to dial home, sweet home. The he knocks some sense into McKay by pointing out that the Dart needs to be fixed first before Shep can initiate Plan: Countercrack. With the lightbulb finally going off above his head, McKay realizes that he's been a complete nutcase by doubting Shep in the first place and apologizes by woobieing that "I would have thought of that before I became a drug addict." HA! And RAWR to Shep putting his hands on his hips again (making his bit of gut seem strangely omgsexyhot) and assuring him that he's sure McKay would have. As the warbling notes of the One True Gay Love (aka Haha, Suck It All You Hetshippers Especially Pooh and Little Red) theme cues up, McKay wibbles a heartfelt "I'm sorry." Sheppard/McKay slashers everywhere pause their media players to screencap the hell out of this scene for future iconing, wallpapering and music vidding (I'm onto all of you; it's to spite us, isn't it? ISN'T IT?! *cries at this whole scene*) After a moment, McKay composes himself and is ready to rejoin the rest of the drug addicts. Shep comforts him by tenderly placing a hand on his arm and leading the way. Oh, dear god... I don't own the Slasher's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy, so I choose to WILLFULLY IGNORE the Slashy McSlashiness there. ["IT WAS TO FORESTALL MORE MCKAY BABBLE DAMMIT! *cries*" -- Phrenitis] I do, however, own the Hetshipper's Guide and I have one thing to say: OMG, THE TOUCHING! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOOOOOOOOOOOP! LIKE BROTHERS, DAMMIT -- SNARKY, PLATONIC, COMPLETELY NON-INCESTUOUS-LIKE BROTHERS. LALALALALALA. I know we didn't set up a drink cue for this, but I'm going to go ahead and finish my bottle of Twisted Black Cherry right now and then start on the Everclear, if you don't mind.
( Lost Boys recap, continued )