2x12 Epiphany, I
Sorry about the delay. Due to RL priorities, this hasn't been beta'ed. Any mistakes caught would be greatly appreciated. Enjoy.
Previouslies: Nothing important happened in the last episode. Therefore, there are none.
It's apparently springtime in the mountains of Mordor. Because McKay has never NOT griped in an episode, the writers decide to get that out of the way first. Hence, the very first lines of dialogue in this episode: McKay bitching and whining. Today, his point of ire is in regards to Shep's unwillingness to stalk other people in the parking lot in order to snag a closer parking space for the Jumper. Shep pointedly informs him that they can't just land a puddle jumper anywhere, and since I'm one of those people who will in fact bob and weave through a lot in a roundabout way to shake a tail just because they piss me off, I totally understand why Shep would rather just trek it by foot to the mall, I mean, ridge. Faced with Shep!logic, McKay gives in, all, "Fine, whatever, we're practically there anyway... but I'm making you get the car later." Because she didn't have much to do in the last episode, Teyla decides to remind us that she's still a functioning member of this team by snarking a less than convinced "Rodney, do you even know what it is we are looking for?" I'm sorry, but hearing her call McKay by his name is hot. And considerably less freaky than hearing her call her boss "John." *LAS* Everyone starts questioning whether or not McKay knows what the hell he's doing. Hell, even Ronon starts doubting him, but since he's mostly just there for eyecandy, it really doesn't matter what he says. McKay assures them that he'll "know it when [he] sees it," which pretty much means that as soon as he trips over it, they'll all know. He checks a couple of things on his huge Styrofoam laptop and AHA! He points to some branches and vines hanging down before him and proclaims, "And I see it." I'd have to agree. I've seen it, too, considering it looks exactly like the alcove that hid the ZPM in "Childhood's End." Ahh, TV budgets...
Ronon, true to his role on the team, obviouses an "It looks like a door." To which McKay agrees: "Yes, it does look remarkably door-like." And then stops short of rolling his eyes. HA! They walk up to the "door" and Shep observes that it's the "only way through the ridge anyway, at least for miles." But he's posing with his left hand on his upper thigh, accentuating things I promised myself I'd stop staring at, so all I really hear from him is "waah wah waaaah wah waah" like the Peanuts teacher. Since everyone else is too busy doing important stuff to stare at where he's inadvertently pointing, he finally decides they should check it out. Lucky for him, McKay stops him just before he steps through, noting the existence of "some kind of energy barrier right on the threshold." Since energy fields usually equal BAD NEWS, Shep bends down to grab a rock. After a minor hesitation, he lobs it underhandedly through the Remarkably Door-like Door, which ripples and makes an electronic fwoosh sound. (Shut up; I am not a synthesizer.)
McKay's too busy punching buttons on his laptop; Shep's too busy looking freaked; and Ronon's too busy being bored, so it's up to Teyla to fulfill the Alien Says Something Stupidly Obvious role of this part of the exposition. So she does: "It disappeared." However, Shep's been reading up on his science fiction books and makes another conclusion: "Or it could be a cloak." Since this never occurred to Teyla, she stares at him... then blatantly tries to eyefuck his body. Unless she's acquired X-ray vision, that's not really going to help her much. Shep's not participating in mutual eyesex, too busy wondering what's behind the Door of Doom. McKay agrees that the barrier has similar properties to a cloak, and Shep's face lights up because the "Ancients did tend to hide all the really cool stuff." McKay's all "yup, yup," but for once, he's leaning toward the side of caution and wants to explain it, maybe write up a dissertation and defend it first, before they step through.
He suddenly utilizes the Snapping Finger Porn to get the aliens to look for a branch while he borrows Shep's tape. Ronon, because he secretly loves McKay, offers him a huge branch, which has got to have some deep euphemistic meaning. Sadly, McKay isn't in the loving mood right now: "I didn't ask for a log." Dejected, Ronon takes back his log. Teyla scoots past him, but not before giving him the CUTEST SMILE EVER, and hands over a much more McKay-sized branch. All together, they MacGyver a contraption of stick, tape, and digital camera, which McKay plans to extend through the Door of Doom and record what's on the other side. Shep, who has to pick up the slack left by Ford's disappearance, gleefully names the contraption "MALP on a Stick." Instead of forbidding Shep from naming anything ever again, McKay just patiently snarks back, "Yes, MALP on a Stick. Very clever." And even from his profile, you can see Shep do the cute eyebrow lift and grin. Hee. He's so pretty. Teyla tries hard not to laugh, but it just comes out like a grimace. Once the camera is taped up real good, McKay slowly sticks it through the Door of Fwooshy Doom. Everyone watches expectantly. As much as it pains me, there's a tiny detail I have to point out: Shep wipes his mouth. And that's ALL I'M GOING TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
While they wait, Teyla sticks her butt in the crouching Shep's face as she walks by him. It does my Sparky heart proud to see him not even bother taking advantage of that. Carved into the wall beside the Door of Whatever are some glyphs. Even though she's not fluent in Ancient, Teyla recognizes the words 'welcome' and 'ascension.' Ronon not only gets to be Mr. Obvious, but he's the default representation of all newbie audience members who have no clue what the hell is going on. "Ascension, wtf?" To which Rodney yadda yaddas about arrogant glowy things. Ronon's all, "Glowy sex. Coooool." But Rodney's all, "Eh." Offended by McKay's lack of enthusiasm for the topic, Ronon stares at him until he wets his pants. That taken care of, McKay turns his attention back to the MALP on a Stick and pulls out. (That... came out sounding dirtier than I intended.) Everyone gathers around the MALP on a Stick, and I love that Shep can't even be bothered to actually MOVE.
The video shows absolutely nothing, which they immediately take to mean that all's clear. So of course, Shep volunteers to step through first. Before he does, McKay offers some advice: "Just back out if you encounter anything problematic." Shep: "The fuck?" McKay: "Like poisonous atmosphere, acid atmosphere, no atmosphere... Hey, it's MALP on a Stick. Only shows you so much." And just from his expression, how much does Rodney love finally being able to bait Shep for once? Ah, payback; she's a bitch. Shep: "...er." And then he licks his lips not once... but TWICE (with the added bouncing, omg!). That second one, especially, I looped and looped and looped and looped and...er...yeah. Just for that, I can declare that this episode officially LOVES ME. Shep: "Here goes." And then goes.
The P90 and his hands go first, but he immediately starts grimacing, noting that it feels "weird" and that "it's kinda hurting [his] hands a little." Being the logical person that he is, McKay's all, "So get out, der." Shep says he's trying to, but the Door of Doom has magical Shep-sucking powers and won't let him go. Ronon attaches himself to the back of Shep's tactical vest and together, they make the funniest scene to ever grace this show. Everyone else rushes over to help, and by 'everyone else,' I mean 'Teyla' because apparently, she loves Shep more than Rodney, who's still clinging to the MALP on a Stick and flailing about how this shouldn't be happening. Shep growls (sexily) that it is, in fact, happening. And as his face gets sucked in, Teyla oh-noes that the Door Sucker of Doom is way too strong for even the combination of her superfreakish powers and Ronon's manly man-ness. Just before Shep gets totally eaten alive, Rodney yells out for the two not to touch the barrier. So they let go. And it's bye-bye, Shep! Horrified, they stare at the empty space where the really gorgeous man used to be. Pissed, Ronon turns his Mild Angry Monkey glare on Rodney, who acts out the visual definition of Oh Shit. EEK!
Credits! With the tingly theme music! And the blueness!
Cave of Shep!Whumping. Poor Shep is on the ground, in obvious pain. He tries to contact his team to let them know he's "finally on the other side." His mobility is limited to his neck up, and he notes that "it hurts pretty bad to move." He attempts to crawl or move or something, but starts to moan and groan and make all these other painful sounding noises. OMG, MY POOR BABY! I almost want to break through my TV just to get to him and envelop him in snuggles -- except for the fact that he's fictional, and come on, going through my TV? Sheesh. He orders Team Left Behind to stay put until he can assess the situation.
Back on the good side of the Door of Woe, Ronon Angry Monkeys a "why did you tell us to let him go, jackass?" Rodney's spittle tells him that they didn't have the brain power to stop on their own, and if the Door of Suckdom had pulled the two of them in with Shep, then Rodney would be all alone on this side. Teyla, who hasn't been paying attention at all to the history of those Ancient bastards, bitches a "Why would the Ancestors create something to do this?" Uhh, call it a hunch, but maybe because they HATE YOU. But that's just a guess. Anyway, Rodney has no time to answer her inane questions because he has a real problem to solve. Ronon upgrades the Angry Monkey glare to Level: Really Pissed and threatens Rodney to "figure it out or you're going in after him." Since he's too busy having a panic attack to find the visual of Bamm-Bamm picking him up and chucking him through the portal funny, Rodney whines a "Okay, that is NOT helping." *snort* He theorizes something about different Door Sucking interactions for living and non-living objects, but because he's using big words, Ronon walks away to save his own sanity.
Cave of Whumping. Although he can now move freely, the Sucking Powers of the Portal have obviously affected Shep's mental state because he's busy practicing a Verizon cell phone commercial. When no one responds, he holds a one-sided fake phone call (sort of like me when I pretend to be on the phone while I'm stalking the cute guy at the coffee shop so I don't seem like such a... um... loser...), telling no one in particular that he's scoped things out and the cave is empty but it does have access to the other side of the ridge. He decides to hang around and allow the others to rescue him.
Team Leave No One Behind is busy scrambling on the other side. Teyla tries to contact Shep. Rodney snarks that she's wasting her breath and that she won't be able to get through to him. To show him just what she thinks about that, Teyla attempts another radio contact. Rodney grabs the camera to double check the video but almost immediately "ohnoes!" Ronon: *glare* According to the camera, the memory card is full and the battery has died, which... you know... shouldn't have happened after only a few minutes' use. To prove a hypothesis, Rodney goes off to find some living things to stick through the Door of Blahdom With Extra Sucking Powers.
Cave of Emotional Turmoil. Even though the poor man has no clue his messages aren't reaching his intended audience, Shep orders his team not to throw the rock he requested a few hours ago. This side of the Barrier of Suck is "black as oil," and he's afraid he'll never see it coming until it smacks him in the face. Examining the Door of Mreh he decides to give it a right hook just to let it know what he thinks of it. Shep: "Bastard door!" *PUNCH* Door: "HA! I laugh at you!" Shep: "Ow, my hand." Then, because he's a Mensa-qualified genius, Shep decides to try ONE MORE REALLY SMART THING. He orders Team Nobody to stand back and pulls out his sidearm. He makes sure to aim low, but you'd think that after his fist BOUNCED OFF the barrier, he'd realize that 'gee, maybe this will, too!' Except we'll write off his stupidity on mental distress and the inability to think clearly. As expected, the bullet ricochets off the hateful barrier to clip the ground by his feet. Shep jumps up and, pissed off at himself, growls, "Good one, JOHN! SHOOT YOURSELF!" And I'd take time to fan myself over the extreme HOTNESS of him being so pissed, just because we don't get to see this side of Shep that often, except I am laughing my ass off. As befitting his usual understated way, he snarls into the radio, "This is downright problematic, Rodney!" Awww. Someone needs a hug.
Woods of Vancouver, as usual. Rodney implores the two aliens to "work with me" because if his hypothesis is correct, then time is passing much more quickly on the other side than it is in Vancouver. Ronon, who has a new scabbard for Christine, is all sorts of confused. As is Teyla. Together, they bitch and moan that none of this makes sense. Dude, aliens need TV so then they'd know that this episode isn't anything original or mind-blowing. Rodney feeds a branch with some yellow blossoms through the portal to determine time progression on the other side. Both Ronon and Teyla fidget impatiently, and just before Ronon knocks Rodney through the portal just for kicks, Rodney pulls the branch out to reveal half the blossoms withered and dead. "A lot faster," Rodney ohnoes, as Teyla takes the branch and stares at it uncomprehendingly.
OF COURSE, Shep is NOWHERE near the portal when this is happening, due to that much beloved Plot Device of Convenience. No, he's off exploring more of the cave. Sitting his ass down on a boulder, he practices for that Verizon pitchman job. I don't blame him; that has to be safer and more stable than walking around the Pegasus Galaxy with a big Wraith target on his back. He describes the immediate area outside the cave as providing nothing of sustenance. Lonely, he walks back to the Door of Blech, muttering about how it's now been two days and he's out of water. All I have to say is that the scruff? YUMMY. The thought of getting beard burn all over my body has never sounded so wonderful before, just so you know. Shep bitches that "we don't leave people behind... RIGHT?" Oh, poor abandoned Shep. Someone needs to tell him that he's still loved, dammit! He's thinking the same thing because he asks, "How about sending me a signal to show me that you're still there? It doesn't have to be a rock. You can write a damn note." And seriously, how hard would it be for McKay to throw a piece of paper with "Never give up! Never surrender!" through the damn thing? Er, I'd apologize for using the same Galaxy Quest reference in two consecutive recaps, but GQ is LOVE so deal with it, bitchez. Still not getting a response, Shep decides to turn off his radio for another few hours to conserve battery. He sits down against the doorframe, all woobie-like, and tries to get some sleep. But then he rubs his hand up and down his pants and... yeah... my brain just exploded. (I started writing 'head exploded,' but that's just gross and I know none of you are adult enough to take that in the way it was meant. Or maybe you were.)
Woods of Confusion. Teyla deducts that "the blossoms have aged several hours, at least." Rodney jumps ahead, pretty sure they might be able to find Shep using the Jumper but he needs to rush back to Atlantis to sex up Radek, Carson, and maybe Lorne and Chuck. Ronon doesn’t think Rodney deserves to leave after what happened to his love, Shep. Rodney: "Let me explain." Then he realizes the absurdity of explaining temporal time compression to a big dumb teddy bear. Rodney: "No, there is too much. Let me sum up: minutes equal hours equal days equal years. Chop chop. You get it now?" If Ronon's expression is any indication, then no. Bamm-Bamm just wants to throw someone through the door -- maybe even himself. Rodney realizes this, so as he and Teyla head back to the Jumper, he orders Ronon to "Sit! Stay! Heel!" As he's finishing that thought, he FINALLY remembers they have emergency food stash they can share with Shep. D'oh!
Cave of Bearded Yumminess. Shep attempts to contact his friends via the radio again. "Rodney... Teyla... Ronon... come in," he singsongs. Then he does this really cute eyebrow rubbing thing that makes my knees weak with its inadvertent sexiness. Therefore, I am FORCED to loop those two seconds again and again in a moment of psycho fangirlness. Shep sighs, "You guys are starting to worry me a little here." But I'M here, Shep! The Beard of Yumminess is filling out pretty nicely, and with the lighting in the cave, his lovely eyes are even wider and prettier than ever. And seriously. My body? Is begging for beard burn. Um... sorry about that. *las*
Real time. Team Slowpoke make a care package of supplies and Rodney chucks it through the Door of Blah. If only all scenes could be as quick and painless as this one.
Cave of Suck. Shep seems to have settled down for the night with a cute little campfire. He's down to the last of his rations as he licks the Powerbar wrapper clean. DRRRTY! If you're anything like me, then that scene made you tingle in all the right places. He litters, then tests out his right hand, which seems to be experiencing some kind of residual pain or something. We don't know because the cave starts shaking and making weird noises. Shep cowers a bit, and how endearing is it that he thinks holding his hands over his Hair of Sexiness will save it from getting messed up by a falling boulder? VERY. The rumbling stops and the Craptastic Door of Suck ripples electric blue before the care package pops out onto this side of the portal. Shep rushes to the knapsack, complaining, "What the hell took you guys so long?" He doesn't wait for an answer, digging into the sack and quenching his thirst with a canteen. As I quench my own thirst by saluting him with my glass of whiskey sour. Cheers, Shep. Even if all the minutes leading up to this scene were a bad time to send a note through, I'd think RIGHT NOW would have been a good time for one. Duh. Not that I'm drunk or anything, because I am SO NOT, but the man has really lovely long fingers. That knowledge makes me kind of happy, too. Take that as you will. Mmmrawr.
Music of Urgent Doom! Teyla and Rodney finally make it back to the Jumper. He's quizzing her on what she has to do. And I laugh my frickin' ass off because Rodney was smart enough to know that if you want something done right, you volunteer Teyla and not Ronon. They make a verbal list of what she needs to send through -- food, medical supplies, the camera for exactly 3 seconds to let Shep record a message if he's still there. Then Rodney: "Dammit, why didn't I send through a note?" The world wants to know the exact same thing, Answer Man. Rodney tries to quickly explain why, with the compression field as it is, Shep might not be in the cave any longer. Rodney: "I know it's hard to get your head around, but..." (HA!) Teyla: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, bitch. We'd go faster if you stop talking, omfg." And then with half of the equipment stripped from the Jumper weighing her down, she waddles back to the Door of Evil Bastard Ancientness. Rodney powers up the Jumper and heads home.
Home! Rodney and crew are packing up a whole shitload of equipment. Carson's whining that they don't know if Shep's been injured. Rodney assures him that "the excruciating pain he was experiencing was a result of the temporal differential." Carson, playing the role of stupid audience: "WTF?" Rodney blahblahblahs about extreme tidal forces and how they were trying to stop Shep from going through and hindering the process. Yeah, I have no clue, either. But thank god for Carson's layman's terms: "So part of his body is experiencing time at a different pace than the other? Who knows what that could do to him?" Old penis, that's what. Okay, granted, his hands are probably aging a lot faster than good ol' Little Johnny, but still, that doesn't discount the fact that the front of the pants went through before the back of the pants. Ergo, old penis, young butt. Wrap your brains around that, ha! (P.S. Please do not judge me based on this or the "Conversion" recap. Thank you. *las*)
Poll
Rodney doesn't care at all about the health of Sheppard's 2000 body parts and makes that known. Lizzie, who's been quiet so far, ohmygods a "So you don't even know if he's alive?!" Poor Lizzie. AGAIN, she has to worry about Shep's ability to breathe and, you know, exist. She has some faith in her man, though, wondering if he could maybe rescue himself since he can be pretty damn resourceful when he puts his mind to it. Rodney throws that idea out the window because "Colonel Sheppard would have already had hours to make it back through the portal in the time I wasted explaining the situation to Conan and Xena." Ahahahaha. I'll admit, the first time I watched this, I wasn't paying too much attention due to my being a multitasking fiend and mistakenly thought he was referring to Carson and Lizzie. Granted, neither one has Conan or Xena tendencies, but it sure makes for a delightful visual (also, who knows what lurks through the quantum mirror, right? Don't look at me like that!) Because Carson loves his Teyla, he sighs a "You know, Rodney, that's not very nice." For once, Rodney admits he was mean and wrong, but you have to admit, Conan and Xena do fit our two alien friends. I myself am still sort of clinging to Bamm-Bamm and Pebbles, even if I'm too lazy to bother with nicknames most of the time. Mreh. Rodney radios to check if the Jumper and supplies are ready, and then orders nameless people to assist Zelenka with a descent probe. Whee, Radek! But sadly, I have a bad feeling we won't actually see him. Poop.
Camp Castaway. Shep's arranging some rock art and speaking into the radio again. He's "pretty sure you can't hear me, but I don't have a volleyball to talk to, so what the hell." Oh man, I just got this yummy visual of Shep wearing nothing but trunks on a deserted island. Anyway, he's rationed his supplies but only has enough for one more day. He's ready to go searching for his own source of food and water, "not that I didn't appreciate the three canteens of water and the whole handful of Powerbars." Omg, the maternal Cancer in me cringes in wonder at how long he might have been forced to ration those meager supplies. No wonder he's thin as a rail! Cookies! Dammit, someone get this man some fattening pastries! Even though there's no source of food or water in the immediate area, he promises to leave a trail of breadcrumbs so Team Crappy Friends can find him whenever they finally decide to get off their asses and save him. Disgruntled and woobieful, he signs off for the final time: "Sheppard out." Before chucking Wilson the Walkie-Talkie into a wall, breaking it into a million itty bitty pieces. Oh, Shep. That's no way to treat your pretend volleyball. He grabs his P90 (excuse me, but I had to loop him blinding cocking the P90 because that's some hot shit -- yes, I have a scary gun fetish), stamps out the campfire like a good boy scout, and lets the pants lead the way out of the cave.
Into the woods we go. Xena's lost some spring to her step and seems to be struggling a bit with all the heavy equipment. Conan's been biding his time by playing with one of those knives he's got hidden all over his body. Rawr. Conan: "That was quick." Xena: "Shut up." Then Xena throws all the equipment through the Door of Doom before bossing Conan around. Conan does as told and hands her the MALP on a Stick, but he's standing so close to her they might as well be spooning and sharing a dun sex cigarette. Xena changes the batteries and the memory card, like she's done it a million times before, and seriously, what have they been teaching those Dirty Athosians anyway? Behind her, Conan winks at her. OMG, HE TOTALLY DID, SO SHUT UP. Conan's all skeptical, wondering if Shep is still alive. The MALP on a Stick is sent through the People Sucker Portal for exactly three seconds. She pulls it back out and observes that even though it didn't seem like it took much time on this end, the camera recorded several minutes' worth of footage. From the video, and again, Teyla's faster at working that camera than I am with mine, which makes absolutely no sense, she obviouses: "He is not there." They share an Eyefuck of OhNoes.
Is anyone else bored by the fact that it's more than 15 minutes into the episode and NOTHING HAS HAPPENED YET? Anyway, Shep, his pants, and the Beard of Yumminess are taking a leisurely stroll through the sunny woods of Vancouver 2. He overhears the snarling of some very large animal-type creature, which makes him and his Hair of Sexiness stand on alert. The lighting in this scene is gorgeous... mostly because it makes Shep look even prettier than usual, if that's possible. Because this seems like an optimal time for some good old-fashioned snarking, Shep threatens the invisible enemy: "Either you're going to eat me, or I'm going to eat you." Mmm, eating Shep... I MEAN, ERRR... There's some really hot Lip-Licking of Hesitation before Shep carefully continues on his merry way.
'Lantis. Yay! Carson AND Lizzie are dressed to go off-world! WHEE! Rodney: "Packed food, supplies, yadda yadda." Carson: "Anything else?" Lizzie: "BE SURE. Every time you make one of these trips, Shep loses, like, a year of his life." Rodney: "I know, omg! I LUFF HIM. Hurry, hurry!" Lizzie, with her gorgeous doe eyes: "Jackass, I LUFF HIM, TOO, OMG!" She then reminds him that rushing into things was what got them into trouble in the first place. And then Rodney challenges Sparky to a fight by dropping the big ol' McShep Anvil on top of Lizzie's gorgeous hair, all "OMG, it was MY fault my woobie is in trouble! I need to fix this before he gets old and dies, and omg, don't wanna even think about GeezerShep!sex." Carson: "What do you mean 'his lifetime,' zomg?!" Rodney points out that a real time of a week or so on this side of the mirror would mean Shep dies of old age on the other side. OHNOES! Lizzie: "OMG." Which is what I just said. But anyway, she's hotter and sexier than me so she can do whatever she wants. Rodney checks that they're all ready to go, and it's off to the Jumper bay. Off-world Carson! Off-world LIZZIE! YAY!
Poll
Elysian Fields. The birds are chirping; the sun is out; Shep's still on his lazy stroll. Until some dumbass with ugly floppy hair that used to be popular ten years ago and an icky soul patch comes running out of the woods, screaming for help. He's the exact opposite of a pretty girl, but Shep feels the need to lend a hand anyway. The snarling from earlier is again heard and Soul Patch starts cowering behind Shep like the big sissy that he is. Seriously, this kind of god-awful acting makes my soul hurt. He's all, "You can't fight it, omg!" To which Shep responds, "We'll scare it, damn you!" And then proceeds to scare it by firing off a couple of million rounds at the tree line before... silence. But LO! The snarling reappears behind him, causing Shep to whip around. But there's nothing there, omg! He makes the WTF face, but before he knows it, something morphs in front of him a la the cloaked Predator and knocks the P90 out of his hand while swatting Shep halfway across the field. Shep bounces off the ground a couple of times before coming to a stop. Oh, the Shepwhumping is painful to watch. Which probably explains why Soul Patch is still cowering like a little baby. HATEFUL ALIEN!
Shep quickly rolls onto his knees, pulling out his sidearm in one fluid motion that gets me feeling all sorts of orgasmic. As the Predator rushes him again, he starts firing indiscriminately at the Not So Invisible Beast, but of course, the Predator wins yet again and Shep is flung through the air. Oh, baby. While he's down, the Predator slashes him through the back of his vest with his Freddy Krueger Claws of Evil, drawing blood. With Shep taken care of, it skips (no, seriously) over to that Cowering Pile of Pants-Wetting Alien Poopy but hesitates from actually hurting him. Obviously, the Predator correctly labeled him as Too Sissy To Waste Time With. Even after a major whumping, Shep still manages to get up, unsheathe his knife, and jump on the back of the cloaked Predator. It's the stupidest thing EVER because the CGI SUCKS! WTF. Did they waste their entire SFX budget on that less than spectacular two-parter "The Lost Boys"/"The Hive"? I'd give my right arm for a clip show right about now instead of this craptastic blahfest. Excuse me while I rant to myself about the lack of the promised Shep!backstory we were supposed to get in this episode because I see NOTHING so far. Anyway... Wussy Soul Patch Guy hightails it out of there. Sick of giving Shep a free piggyback ride, the Predator throws him to the ground. Which is AWESOME. Because HELLO, BELLY SHOT! *DROOL* *LICK* *PETS* The Predator morphs in and out a couple of times just so the CGI guys can actually earn their pay, but seriously, someone needs to be fired after this episode. Shep finally succumbs to the lameness of the script and decides being unconscious is the way to go. Lucky son of a bitch. I wish I could do the same right about now.
Planet Yawn. A Jumper flies back toward the planet with a cute redshirt at the helm. Rawr. This show is definitely pretty, that's for sure. They head for the Crater of Doom. Lizzie: "There!" Rodney: "Er... not there!" Carson: "THERE, damn you!" There's some yadda yadda yadda about whether or not there's really a crater there and something something something about the time dilation field and those annoying Ancients. In any case, Rodney tells the Cute Redshirt to hover over the crater so they can launch the probe. Lizzie, bless her heart, asks what the probe is for, but we all know she's not really interested; it's just there in the script. Rodney: "Probe splits into two components tethered together." Lizzie: "So we should be able to receive telemetry inside the time dilation fields while the other half of the probe is still outside." Okay. Hearing Lizzie say "telemetry"? RAWR. I'm sorry, but how can anyone NOT lust after her? Beautiful, sexy and smart? She is so my number one TV girlfriend. She's bumped everyone down down down the list. Carson praises Rodney: "You're so smart, omg." To which Rodney reluctantly admits, that "it was actually Zelenka's idea." HA!
Bedroom of Whoredom. A little girl uses a damp towel on a sleeping Shep's face, causing him to finally wake up. "Hi." Luckiest little girl alive! (OT: I could have sworn I heard Lizzie's voice in the background. Weird.) Seeing him awake, the little girl does what all little kids do instead of actually getting off their asses to find an adult; she screams a "He's awake again!" To which Shep quips, "I am now." Hee. Through the window, we meet the Alienh0r of the Week. *sigh* She races into the room, because who wouldn't when there's a gorgeous (bearded!) man in your bed? Before she's even in the damn room, she introduces herself as "Teer," but we'll call her T-Ho. (And what's up with all the "ee" h0r names: Neera, Teer, etc.?) Because his personality is forever set to the Must Charm setting, Shep flirts a "Have we met?" T-Ho, who's wearing a hell of a lot of makeup (and where do aliens get their makeup anyway?) blahblahblahs about something or other, mentioning that Soul Patch is her brother and the little girl, Hedda, is their sister, who also happens to have the power to heal. Shep and Hedda are adorable together, and if I didn't think actual babies on Atlantis would be the WORSE IDEA EVER (quantum mirror babies or temporary babies are definitely okay, though), I'd be first in line demanding someone make Shep a daddy. (I volunteer.)
T-Ho thanks Shep for saving Soul Patch from the Predator, and Shep jokes a "That's funny. I don't remember winning." BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T, DUMMY. Otherwise you wouldn't be stuck in this whore-hellhole with Soul Patch, T-Ho, and Cute Little Girl and we wouldn't be forced to watch. Soul Patch comes in with a tray of food, and you can see that Shep's a bit miffed that the guy isn't injured at all. Hrmph. My god, the three siblings are so damn HAPPY, I just want to punch them all in the face. Anyway, if we discount my violent tendencies and anger issues... Soul Patch sets the tray of food down on the bed. Shep sits up halfway, notices that he's not wearing the standard Atlantis uniform and peeks under the cover. DAMMIT, Shep, let us all see! He drawls, "Which one of you got me out of my clothes and into these?" And the cutest thing about that question? He actually looks to the Cute Little Girl. HEE! ADORABLE, OMG! Soul Patch looks like he really -- REALLY REALLY REALLY -- wants to say "Me, omg!" And who can blame him? Instead, it's T-Ho who reveals that she did, and Shep gives her this look that makes me laugh my ass off because is he embarrassed, for real? He's just so damn dorky and adorable, it PAINS ME that he's only a fictional character. God knows the world needs more like him.
Sensing his discomfort, T-Ho asks, "Is that all right?" Well, NO, but since the writers are living vicariously through Shep, there's nothing I can do about that. Except maybe throw up in my mouth a little. Or a lot. What else can Shep do but assure her that "Yeah, except I just like to meet a woman first before she sees me naked." Oh, his modesty is just so endearing. I'd like to think that T-Ho didn't actually get to see him naked; that's what underwear is there to prevent, dammit. Unless... and I don't even want to consider Shep going commando all the time because that might make me self-combust, and then who would finish this lame-ass recap? But instead of T-Ho insisting on calling Shep "Calvin... because it's written all over your underwear," we get T-Ho making an 'I know ALL your bit-ty secrets, lalala' face. HATEFUL. Though, if we compare this scene with his blatant flirting with the Wraith Queen in the last episode, I feel safe saying that he's totally not interested in T-Ho. Or maybe it's just my own defense mechanism. *LALALALA* Thankfully, Shep changes the subject and concentrates on stuffing his face.
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( continue )
Previouslies: Nothing important happened in the last episode. Therefore, there are none.
It's apparently springtime in the mountains of Mordor. Because McKay has never NOT griped in an episode, the writers decide to get that out of the way first. Hence, the very first lines of dialogue in this episode: McKay bitching and whining. Today, his point of ire is in regards to Shep's unwillingness to stalk other people in the parking lot in order to snag a closer parking space for the Jumper. Shep pointedly informs him that they can't just land a puddle jumper anywhere, and since I'm one of those people who will in fact bob and weave through a lot in a roundabout way to shake a tail just because they piss me off, I totally understand why Shep would rather just trek it by foot to the mall, I mean, ridge. Faced with Shep!logic, McKay gives in, all, "Fine, whatever, we're practically there anyway... but I'm making you get the car later." Because she didn't have much to do in the last episode, Teyla decides to remind us that she's still a functioning member of this team by snarking a less than convinced "Rodney, do you even know what it is we are looking for?" I'm sorry, but hearing her call McKay by his name is hot. And considerably less freaky than hearing her call her boss "John." *LAS* Everyone starts questioning whether or not McKay knows what the hell he's doing. Hell, even Ronon starts doubting him, but since he's mostly just there for eyecandy, it really doesn't matter what he says. McKay assures them that he'll "know it when [he] sees it," which pretty much means that as soon as he trips over it, they'll all know. He checks a couple of things on his huge Styrofoam laptop and AHA! He points to some branches and vines hanging down before him and proclaims, "And I see it." I'd have to agree. I've seen it, too, considering it looks exactly like the alcove that hid the ZPM in "Childhood's End." Ahh, TV budgets...
Ronon, true to his role on the team, obviouses an "It looks like a door." To which McKay agrees: "Yes, it does look remarkably door-like." And then stops short of rolling his eyes. HA! They walk up to the "door" and Shep observes that it's the "only way through the ridge anyway, at least for miles." But he's posing with his left hand on his upper thigh, accentuating things I promised myself I'd stop staring at, so all I really hear from him is "waah wah waaaah wah waah" like the Peanuts teacher. Since everyone else is too busy doing important stuff to stare at where he's inadvertently pointing, he finally decides they should check it out. Lucky for him, McKay stops him just before he steps through, noting the existence of "some kind of energy barrier right on the threshold." Since energy fields usually equal BAD NEWS, Shep bends down to grab a rock. After a minor hesitation, he lobs it underhandedly through the Remarkably Door-like Door, which ripples and makes an electronic fwoosh sound. (Shut up; I am not a synthesizer.)
McKay's too busy punching buttons on his laptop; Shep's too busy looking freaked; and Ronon's too busy being bored, so it's up to Teyla to fulfill the Alien Says Something Stupidly Obvious role of this part of the exposition. So she does: "It disappeared." However, Shep's been reading up on his science fiction books and makes another conclusion: "Or it could be a cloak." Since this never occurred to Teyla, she stares at him... then blatantly tries to eyefuck his body. Unless she's acquired X-ray vision, that's not really going to help her much. Shep's not participating in mutual eyesex, too busy wondering what's behind the Door of Doom. McKay agrees that the barrier has similar properties to a cloak, and Shep's face lights up because the "Ancients did tend to hide all the really cool stuff." McKay's all "yup, yup," but for once, he's leaning toward the side of caution and wants to explain it, maybe write up a dissertation and defend it first, before they step through.
He suddenly utilizes the Snapping Finger Porn to get the aliens to look for a branch while he borrows Shep's tape. Ronon, because he secretly loves McKay, offers him a huge branch, which has got to have some deep euphemistic meaning. Sadly, McKay isn't in the loving mood right now: "I didn't ask for a log." Dejected, Ronon takes back his log. Teyla scoots past him, but not before giving him the CUTEST SMILE EVER, and hands over a much more McKay-sized branch. All together, they MacGyver a contraption of stick, tape, and digital camera, which McKay plans to extend through the Door of Doom and record what's on the other side. Shep, who has to pick up the slack left by Ford's disappearance, gleefully names the contraption "MALP on a Stick." Instead of forbidding Shep from naming anything ever again, McKay just patiently snarks back, "Yes, MALP on a Stick. Very clever." And even from his profile, you can see Shep do the cute eyebrow lift and grin. Hee. He's so pretty. Teyla tries hard not to laugh, but it just comes out like a grimace. Once the camera is taped up real good, McKay slowly sticks it through the Door of Fwooshy Doom. Everyone watches expectantly. As much as it pains me, there's a tiny detail I have to point out: Shep wipes his mouth. And that's ALL I'M GOING TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
While they wait, Teyla sticks her butt in the crouching Shep's face as she walks by him. It does my Sparky heart proud to see him not even bother taking advantage of that. Carved into the wall beside the Door of Whatever are some glyphs. Even though she's not fluent in Ancient, Teyla recognizes the words 'welcome' and 'ascension.' Ronon not only gets to be Mr. Obvious, but he's the default representation of all newbie audience members who have no clue what the hell is going on. "Ascension, wtf?" To which Rodney yadda yaddas about arrogant glowy things. Ronon's all, "Glowy sex. Coooool." But Rodney's all, "Eh." Offended by McKay's lack of enthusiasm for the topic, Ronon stares at him until he wets his pants. That taken care of, McKay turns his attention back to the MALP on a Stick and pulls out. (That... came out sounding dirtier than I intended.) Everyone gathers around the MALP on a Stick, and I love that Shep can't even be bothered to actually MOVE.
The video shows absolutely nothing, which they immediately take to mean that all's clear. So of course, Shep volunteers to step through first. Before he does, McKay offers some advice: "Just back out if you encounter anything problematic." Shep: "The fuck?" McKay: "Like poisonous atmosphere, acid atmosphere, no atmosphere... Hey, it's MALP on a Stick. Only shows you so much." And just from his expression, how much does Rodney love finally being able to bait Shep for once? Ah, payback; she's a bitch. Shep: "...er." And then he licks his lips not once... but TWICE (with the added bouncing, omg!). That second one, especially, I looped and looped and looped and looped and...er...yeah. Just for that, I can declare that this episode officially LOVES ME. Shep: "Here goes." And then goes.
The P90 and his hands go first, but he immediately starts grimacing, noting that it feels "weird" and that "it's kinda hurting [his] hands a little." Being the logical person that he is, McKay's all, "So get out, der." Shep says he's trying to, but the Door of Doom has magical Shep-sucking powers and won't let him go. Ronon attaches himself to the back of Shep's tactical vest and together, they make the funniest scene to ever grace this show. Everyone else rushes over to help, and by 'everyone else,' I mean 'Teyla' because apparently, she loves Shep more than Rodney, who's still clinging to the MALP on a Stick and flailing about how this shouldn't be happening. Shep growls (sexily) that it is, in fact, happening. And as his face gets sucked in, Teyla oh-noes that the Door Sucker of Doom is way too strong for even the combination of her superfreakish powers and Ronon's manly man-ness. Just before Shep gets totally eaten alive, Rodney yells out for the two not to touch the barrier. So they let go. And it's bye-bye, Shep! Horrified, they stare at the empty space where the really gorgeous man used to be. Pissed, Ronon turns his Mild Angry Monkey glare on Rodney, who acts out the visual definition of Oh Shit. EEK!
Credits! With the tingly theme music! And the blueness!
Cave of Shep!Whumping. Poor Shep is on the ground, in obvious pain. He tries to contact his team to let them know he's "finally on the other side." His mobility is limited to his neck up, and he notes that "it hurts pretty bad to move." He attempts to crawl or move or something, but starts to moan and groan and make all these other painful sounding noises. OMG, MY POOR BABY! I almost want to break through my TV just to get to him and envelop him in snuggles -- except for the fact that he's fictional, and come on, going through my TV? Sheesh. He orders Team Left Behind to stay put until he can assess the situation.
Back on the good side of the Door of Woe, Ronon Angry Monkeys a "why did you tell us to let him go, jackass?" Rodney's spittle tells him that they didn't have the brain power to stop on their own, and if the Door of Suckdom had pulled the two of them in with Shep, then Rodney would be all alone on this side. Teyla, who hasn't been paying attention at all to the history of those Ancient bastards, bitches a "Why would the Ancestors create something to do this?" Uhh, call it a hunch, but maybe because they HATE YOU. But that's just a guess. Anyway, Rodney has no time to answer her inane questions because he has a real problem to solve. Ronon upgrades the Angry Monkey glare to Level: Really Pissed and threatens Rodney to "figure it out or you're going in after him." Since he's too busy having a panic attack to find the visual of Bamm-Bamm picking him up and chucking him through the portal funny, Rodney whines a "Okay, that is NOT helping." *snort* He theorizes something about different Door Sucking interactions for living and non-living objects, but because he's using big words, Ronon walks away to save his own sanity.
Cave of Whumping. Although he can now move freely, the Sucking Powers of the Portal have obviously affected Shep's mental state because he's busy practicing a Verizon cell phone commercial. When no one responds, he holds a one-sided fake phone call (sort of like me when I pretend to be on the phone while I'm stalking the cute guy at the coffee shop so I don't seem like such a... um... loser...), telling no one in particular that he's scoped things out and the cave is empty but it does have access to the other side of the ridge. He decides to hang around and allow the others to rescue him.
Team Leave No One Behind is busy scrambling on the other side. Teyla tries to contact Shep. Rodney snarks that she's wasting her breath and that she won't be able to get through to him. To show him just what she thinks about that, Teyla attempts another radio contact. Rodney grabs the camera to double check the video but almost immediately "ohnoes!" Ronon: *glare* According to the camera, the memory card is full and the battery has died, which... you know... shouldn't have happened after only a few minutes' use. To prove a hypothesis, Rodney goes off to find some living things to stick through the Door of Blahdom With Extra Sucking Powers.
Cave of Emotional Turmoil. Even though the poor man has no clue his messages aren't reaching his intended audience, Shep orders his team not to throw the rock he requested a few hours ago. This side of the Barrier of Suck is "black as oil," and he's afraid he'll never see it coming until it smacks him in the face. Examining the Door of Mreh he decides to give it a right hook just to let it know what he thinks of it. Shep: "Bastard door!" *PUNCH* Door: "HA! I laugh at you!" Shep: "Ow, my hand." Then, because he's a Mensa-qualified genius, Shep decides to try ONE MORE REALLY SMART THING. He orders Team Nobody to stand back and pulls out his sidearm. He makes sure to aim low, but you'd think that after his fist BOUNCED OFF the barrier, he'd realize that 'gee, maybe this will, too!' Except we'll write off his stupidity on mental distress and the inability to think clearly. As expected, the bullet ricochets off the hateful barrier to clip the ground by his feet. Shep jumps up and, pissed off at himself, growls, "Good one, JOHN! SHOOT YOURSELF!" And I'd take time to fan myself over the extreme HOTNESS of him being so pissed, just because we don't get to see this side of Shep that often, except I am laughing my ass off. As befitting his usual understated way, he snarls into the radio, "This is downright problematic, Rodney!" Awww. Someone needs a hug.
Woods of Vancouver, as usual. Rodney implores the two aliens to "work with me" because if his hypothesis is correct, then time is passing much more quickly on the other side than it is in Vancouver. Ronon, who has a new scabbard for Christine, is all sorts of confused. As is Teyla. Together, they bitch and moan that none of this makes sense. Dude, aliens need TV so then they'd know that this episode isn't anything original or mind-blowing. Rodney feeds a branch with some yellow blossoms through the portal to determine time progression on the other side. Both Ronon and Teyla fidget impatiently, and just before Ronon knocks Rodney through the portal just for kicks, Rodney pulls the branch out to reveal half the blossoms withered and dead. "A lot faster," Rodney ohnoes, as Teyla takes the branch and stares at it uncomprehendingly.
OF COURSE, Shep is NOWHERE near the portal when this is happening, due to that much beloved Plot Device of Convenience. No, he's off exploring more of the cave. Sitting his ass down on a boulder, he practices for that Verizon pitchman job. I don't blame him; that has to be safer and more stable than walking around the Pegasus Galaxy with a big Wraith target on his back. He describes the immediate area outside the cave as providing nothing of sustenance. Lonely, he walks back to the Door of Blech, muttering about how it's now been two days and he's out of water. All I have to say is that the scruff? YUMMY. The thought of getting beard burn all over my body has never sounded so wonderful before, just so you know. Shep bitches that "we don't leave people behind... RIGHT?" Oh, poor abandoned Shep. Someone needs to tell him that he's still loved, dammit! He's thinking the same thing because he asks, "How about sending me a signal to show me that you're still there? It doesn't have to be a rock. You can write a damn note." And seriously, how hard would it be for McKay to throw a piece of paper with "Never give up! Never surrender!" through the damn thing? Er, I'd apologize for using the same Galaxy Quest reference in two consecutive recaps, but GQ is LOVE so deal with it, bitchez. Still not getting a response, Shep decides to turn off his radio for another few hours to conserve battery. He sits down against the doorframe, all woobie-like, and tries to get some sleep. But then he rubs his hand up and down his pants and... yeah... my brain just exploded. (I started writing 'head exploded,' but that's just gross and I know none of you are adult enough to take that in the way it was meant. Or maybe you were.)
Woods of Confusion. Teyla deducts that "the blossoms have aged several hours, at least." Rodney jumps ahead, pretty sure they might be able to find Shep using the Jumper but he needs to rush back to Atlantis to sex up Radek, Carson, and maybe Lorne and Chuck. Ronon doesn’t think Rodney deserves to leave after what happened to his love, Shep. Rodney: "Let me explain." Then he realizes the absurdity of explaining temporal time compression to a big dumb teddy bear. Rodney: "No, there is too much. Let me sum up: minutes equal hours equal days equal years. Chop chop. You get it now?" If Ronon's expression is any indication, then no. Bamm-Bamm just wants to throw someone through the door -- maybe even himself. Rodney realizes this, so as he and Teyla head back to the Jumper, he orders Ronon to "Sit! Stay! Heel!" As he's finishing that thought, he FINALLY remembers they have emergency food stash they can share with Shep. D'oh!
Cave of Bearded Yumminess. Shep attempts to contact his friends via the radio again. "Rodney... Teyla... Ronon... come in," he singsongs. Then he does this really cute eyebrow rubbing thing that makes my knees weak with its inadvertent sexiness. Therefore, I am FORCED to loop those two seconds again and again in a moment of psycho fangirlness. Shep sighs, "You guys are starting to worry me a little here." But I'M here, Shep! The Beard of Yumminess is filling out pretty nicely, and with the lighting in the cave, his lovely eyes are even wider and prettier than ever. And seriously. My body? Is begging for beard burn. Um... sorry about that. *las*
Real time. Team Slowpoke make a care package of supplies and Rodney chucks it through the Door of Blah. If only all scenes could be as quick and painless as this one.
Cave of Suck. Shep seems to have settled down for the night with a cute little campfire. He's down to the last of his rations as he licks the Powerbar wrapper clean. DRRRTY! If you're anything like me, then that scene made you tingle in all the right places. He litters, then tests out his right hand, which seems to be experiencing some kind of residual pain or something. We don't know because the cave starts shaking and making weird noises. Shep cowers a bit, and how endearing is it that he thinks holding his hands over his Hair of Sexiness will save it from getting messed up by a falling boulder? VERY. The rumbling stops and the Craptastic Door of Suck ripples electric blue before the care package pops out onto this side of the portal. Shep rushes to the knapsack, complaining, "What the hell took you guys so long?" He doesn't wait for an answer, digging into the sack and quenching his thirst with a canteen. As I quench my own thirst by saluting him with my glass of whiskey sour. Cheers, Shep. Even if all the minutes leading up to this scene were a bad time to send a note through, I'd think RIGHT NOW would have been a good time for one. Duh. Not that I'm drunk or anything, because I am SO NOT, but the man has really lovely long fingers. That knowledge makes me kind of happy, too. Take that as you will. Mmmrawr.
Music of Urgent Doom! Teyla and Rodney finally make it back to the Jumper. He's quizzing her on what she has to do. And I laugh my frickin' ass off because Rodney was smart enough to know that if you want something done right, you volunteer Teyla and not Ronon. They make a verbal list of what she needs to send through -- food, medical supplies, the camera for exactly 3 seconds to let Shep record a message if he's still there. Then Rodney: "Dammit, why didn't I send through a note?" The world wants to know the exact same thing, Answer Man. Rodney tries to quickly explain why, with the compression field as it is, Shep might not be in the cave any longer. Rodney: "I know it's hard to get your head around, but..." (HA!) Teyla: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, bitch. We'd go faster if you stop talking, omfg." And then with half of the equipment stripped from the Jumper weighing her down, she waddles back to the Door of Evil Bastard Ancientness. Rodney powers up the Jumper and heads home.
Home! Rodney and crew are packing up a whole shitload of equipment. Carson's whining that they don't know if Shep's been injured. Rodney assures him that "the excruciating pain he was experiencing was a result of the temporal differential." Carson, playing the role of stupid audience: "WTF?" Rodney blahblahblahs about extreme tidal forces and how they were trying to stop Shep from going through and hindering the process. Yeah, I have no clue, either. But thank god for Carson's layman's terms: "So part of his body is experiencing time at a different pace than the other? Who knows what that could do to him?" Old penis, that's what. Okay, granted, his hands are probably aging a lot faster than good ol' Little Johnny, but still, that doesn't discount the fact that the front of the pants went through before the back of the pants. Ergo, old penis, young butt. Wrap your brains around that, ha! (P.S. Please do not judge me based on this or the "Conversion" recap. Thank you. *las*)
Poll
Rodney doesn't care at all about the health of Sheppard's 2000 body parts and makes that known. Lizzie, who's been quiet so far, ohmygods a "So you don't even know if he's alive?!" Poor Lizzie. AGAIN, she has to worry about Shep's ability to breathe and, you know, exist. She has some faith in her man, though, wondering if he could maybe rescue himself since he can be pretty damn resourceful when he puts his mind to it. Rodney throws that idea out the window because "Colonel Sheppard would have already had hours to make it back through the portal in the time I wasted explaining the situation to Conan and Xena." Ahahahaha. I'll admit, the first time I watched this, I wasn't paying too much attention due to my being a multitasking fiend and mistakenly thought he was referring to Carson and Lizzie. Granted, neither one has Conan or Xena tendencies, but it sure makes for a delightful visual (also, who knows what lurks through the quantum mirror, right? Don't look at me like that!) Because Carson loves his Teyla, he sighs a "You know, Rodney, that's not very nice." For once, Rodney admits he was mean and wrong, but you have to admit, Conan and Xena do fit our two alien friends. I myself am still sort of clinging to Bamm-Bamm and Pebbles, even if I'm too lazy to bother with nicknames most of the time. Mreh. Rodney radios to check if the Jumper and supplies are ready, and then orders nameless people to assist Zelenka with a descent probe. Whee, Radek! But sadly, I have a bad feeling we won't actually see him. Poop.
Camp Castaway. Shep's arranging some rock art and speaking into the radio again. He's "pretty sure you can't hear me, but I don't have a volleyball to talk to, so what the hell." Oh man, I just got this yummy visual of Shep wearing nothing but trunks on a deserted island. Anyway, he's rationed his supplies but only has enough for one more day. He's ready to go searching for his own source of food and water, "not that I didn't appreciate the three canteens of water and the whole handful of Powerbars." Omg, the maternal Cancer in me cringes in wonder at how long he might have been forced to ration those meager supplies. No wonder he's thin as a rail! Cookies! Dammit, someone get this man some fattening pastries! Even though there's no source of food or water in the immediate area, he promises to leave a trail of breadcrumbs so Team Crappy Friends can find him whenever they finally decide to get off their asses and save him. Disgruntled and woobieful, he signs off for the final time: "Sheppard out." Before chucking Wilson the Walkie-Talkie into a wall, breaking it into a million itty bitty pieces. Oh, Shep. That's no way to treat your pretend volleyball. He grabs his P90 (excuse me, but I had to loop him blinding cocking the P90 because that's some hot shit -- yes, I have a scary gun fetish), stamps out the campfire like a good boy scout, and lets the pants lead the way out of the cave.
Into the woods we go. Xena's lost some spring to her step and seems to be struggling a bit with all the heavy equipment. Conan's been biding his time by playing with one of those knives he's got hidden all over his body. Rawr. Conan: "That was quick." Xena: "Shut up." Then Xena throws all the equipment through the Door of Doom before bossing Conan around. Conan does as told and hands her the MALP on a Stick, but he's standing so close to her they might as well be spooning and sharing a dun sex cigarette. Xena changes the batteries and the memory card, like she's done it a million times before, and seriously, what have they been teaching those Dirty Athosians anyway? Behind her, Conan winks at her. OMG, HE TOTALLY DID, SO SHUT UP. Conan's all skeptical, wondering if Shep is still alive. The MALP on a Stick is sent through the People Sucker Portal for exactly three seconds. She pulls it back out and observes that even though it didn't seem like it took much time on this end, the camera recorded several minutes' worth of footage. From the video, and again, Teyla's faster at working that camera than I am with mine, which makes absolutely no sense, she obviouses: "He is not there." They share an Eyefuck of OhNoes.
Is anyone else bored by the fact that it's more than 15 minutes into the episode and NOTHING HAS HAPPENED YET? Anyway, Shep, his pants, and the Beard of Yumminess are taking a leisurely stroll through the sunny woods of Vancouver 2. He overhears the snarling of some very large animal-type creature, which makes him and his Hair of Sexiness stand on alert. The lighting in this scene is gorgeous... mostly because it makes Shep look even prettier than usual, if that's possible. Because this seems like an optimal time for some good old-fashioned snarking, Shep threatens the invisible enemy: "Either you're going to eat me, or I'm going to eat you." Mmm, eating Shep... I MEAN, ERRR... There's some really hot Lip-Licking of Hesitation before Shep carefully continues on his merry way.
'Lantis. Yay! Carson AND Lizzie are dressed to go off-world! WHEE! Rodney: "Packed food, supplies, yadda yadda." Carson: "Anything else?" Lizzie: "BE SURE. Every time you make one of these trips, Shep loses, like, a year of his life." Rodney: "I know, omg! I LUFF HIM. Hurry, hurry!" Lizzie, with her gorgeous doe eyes: "Jackass, I LUFF HIM, TOO, OMG!" She then reminds him that rushing into things was what got them into trouble in the first place. And then Rodney challenges Sparky to a fight by dropping the big ol' McShep Anvil on top of Lizzie's gorgeous hair, all "OMG, it was MY fault my woobie is in trouble! I need to fix this before he gets old and dies, and omg, don't wanna even think about GeezerShep!sex." Carson: "What do you mean 'his lifetime,' zomg?!" Rodney points out that a real time of a week or so on this side of the mirror would mean Shep dies of old age on the other side. OHNOES! Lizzie: "OMG." Which is what I just said. But anyway, she's hotter and sexier than me so she can do whatever she wants. Rodney checks that they're all ready to go, and it's off to the Jumper bay. Off-world Carson! Off-world LIZZIE! YAY!
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Elysian Fields. The birds are chirping; the sun is out; Shep's still on his lazy stroll. Until some dumbass with ugly floppy hair that used to be popular ten years ago and an icky soul patch comes running out of the woods, screaming for help. He's the exact opposite of a pretty girl, but Shep feels the need to lend a hand anyway. The snarling from earlier is again heard and Soul Patch starts cowering behind Shep like the big sissy that he is. Seriously, this kind of god-awful acting makes my soul hurt. He's all, "You can't fight it, omg!" To which Shep responds, "We'll scare it, damn you!" And then proceeds to scare it by firing off a couple of million rounds at the tree line before... silence. But LO! The snarling reappears behind him, causing Shep to whip around. But there's nothing there, omg! He makes the WTF face, but before he knows it, something morphs in front of him a la the cloaked Predator and knocks the P90 out of his hand while swatting Shep halfway across the field. Shep bounces off the ground a couple of times before coming to a stop. Oh, the Shepwhumping is painful to watch. Which probably explains why Soul Patch is still cowering like a little baby. HATEFUL ALIEN!
Shep quickly rolls onto his knees, pulling out his sidearm in one fluid motion that gets me feeling all sorts of orgasmic. As the Predator rushes him again, he starts firing indiscriminately at the Not So Invisible Beast, but of course, the Predator wins yet again and Shep is flung through the air. Oh, baby. While he's down, the Predator slashes him through the back of his vest with his Freddy Krueger Claws of Evil, drawing blood. With Shep taken care of, it skips (no, seriously) over to that Cowering Pile of Pants-Wetting Alien Poopy but hesitates from actually hurting him. Obviously, the Predator correctly labeled him as Too Sissy To Waste Time With. Even after a major whumping, Shep still manages to get up, unsheathe his knife, and jump on the back of the cloaked Predator. It's the stupidest thing EVER because the CGI SUCKS! WTF. Did they waste their entire SFX budget on that less than spectacular two-parter "The Lost Boys"/"The Hive"? I'd give my right arm for a clip show right about now instead of this craptastic blahfest. Excuse me while I rant to myself about the lack of the promised Shep!backstory we were supposed to get in this episode because I see NOTHING so far. Anyway... Wussy Soul Patch Guy hightails it out of there. Sick of giving Shep a free piggyback ride, the Predator throws him to the ground. Which is AWESOME. Because HELLO, BELLY SHOT! *DROOL* *LICK* *PETS* The Predator morphs in and out a couple of times just so the CGI guys can actually earn their pay, but seriously, someone needs to be fired after this episode. Shep finally succumbs to the lameness of the script and decides being unconscious is the way to go. Lucky son of a bitch. I wish I could do the same right about now.
Planet Yawn. A Jumper flies back toward the planet with a cute redshirt at the helm. Rawr. This show is definitely pretty, that's for sure. They head for the Crater of Doom. Lizzie: "There!" Rodney: "Er... not there!" Carson: "THERE, damn you!" There's some yadda yadda yadda about whether or not there's really a crater there and something something something about the time dilation field and those annoying Ancients. In any case, Rodney tells the Cute Redshirt to hover over the crater so they can launch the probe. Lizzie, bless her heart, asks what the probe is for, but we all know she's not really interested; it's just there in the script. Rodney: "Probe splits into two components tethered together." Lizzie: "So we should be able to receive telemetry inside the time dilation fields while the other half of the probe is still outside." Okay. Hearing Lizzie say "telemetry"? RAWR. I'm sorry, but how can anyone NOT lust after her? Beautiful, sexy and smart? She is so my number one TV girlfriend. She's bumped everyone down down down the list. Carson praises Rodney: "You're so smart, omg." To which Rodney reluctantly admits, that "it was actually Zelenka's idea." HA!
Bedroom of Whoredom. A little girl uses a damp towel on a sleeping Shep's face, causing him to finally wake up. "Hi." Luckiest little girl alive! (OT: I could have sworn I heard Lizzie's voice in the background. Weird.) Seeing him awake, the little girl does what all little kids do instead of actually getting off their asses to find an adult; she screams a "He's awake again!" To which Shep quips, "I am now." Hee. Through the window, we meet the Alienh0r of the Week. *sigh* She races into the room, because who wouldn't when there's a gorgeous (bearded!) man in your bed? Before she's even in the damn room, she introduces herself as "Teer," but we'll call her T-Ho. (And what's up with all the "ee" h0r names: Neera, Teer, etc.?) Because his personality is forever set to the Must Charm setting, Shep flirts a "Have we met?" T-Ho, who's wearing a hell of a lot of makeup (and where do aliens get their makeup anyway?) blahblahblahs about something or other, mentioning that Soul Patch is her brother and the little girl, Hedda, is their sister, who also happens to have the power to heal. Shep and Hedda are adorable together, and if I didn't think actual babies on Atlantis would be the WORSE IDEA EVER (quantum mirror babies or temporary babies are definitely okay, though), I'd be first in line demanding someone make Shep a daddy. (I volunteer.)
T-Ho thanks Shep for saving Soul Patch from the Predator, and Shep jokes a "That's funny. I don't remember winning." BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T, DUMMY. Otherwise you wouldn't be stuck in this whore-hellhole with Soul Patch, T-Ho, and Cute Little Girl and we wouldn't be forced to watch. Soul Patch comes in with a tray of food, and you can see that Shep's a bit miffed that the guy isn't injured at all. Hrmph. My god, the three siblings are so damn HAPPY, I just want to punch them all in the face. Anyway, if we discount my violent tendencies and anger issues... Soul Patch sets the tray of food down on the bed. Shep sits up halfway, notices that he's not wearing the standard Atlantis uniform and peeks under the cover. DAMMIT, Shep, let us all see! He drawls, "Which one of you got me out of my clothes and into these?" And the cutest thing about that question? He actually looks to the Cute Little Girl. HEE! ADORABLE, OMG! Soul Patch looks like he really -- REALLY REALLY REALLY -- wants to say "Me, omg!" And who can blame him? Instead, it's T-Ho who reveals that she did, and Shep gives her this look that makes me laugh my ass off because is he embarrassed, for real? He's just so damn dorky and adorable, it PAINS ME that he's only a fictional character. God knows the world needs more like him.
Sensing his discomfort, T-Ho asks, "Is that all right?" Well, NO, but since the writers are living vicariously through Shep, there's nothing I can do about that. Except maybe throw up in my mouth a little. Or a lot. What else can Shep do but assure her that "Yeah, except I just like to meet a woman first before she sees me naked." Oh, his modesty is just so endearing. I'd like to think that T-Ho didn't actually get to see him naked; that's what underwear is there to prevent, dammit. Unless... and I don't even want to consider Shep going commando all the time because that might make me self-combust, and then who would finish this lame-ass recap? But instead of T-Ho insisting on calling Shep "Calvin... because it's written all over your underwear," we get T-Ho making an 'I know ALL your bit-ty secrets, lalala' face. HATEFUL. Though, if we compare this scene with his blatant flirting with the Wraith Queen in the last episode, I feel safe saying that he's totally not interested in T-Ho. Or maybe it's just my own defense mechanism. *LALALALA* Thankfully, Shep changes the subject and concentrates on stuffing his face.
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