184 Days (kai/kyungsoo)
Title: 184 Days
Character(s): Jongin/Kyungsoo
Rating: NC16 for suggested sex
Length: one-shot/3,603 words
Genre: romance/angst
Author’s note: written as a gift fic for lovely Pris ♡ Merry Christmas!!!
--
“You only have six more months.”
That’s all it takes and the countdown starts.
There’s 184 days left when Kyungsoo walks past a dance studio.
Shoulders drooping low and feet dragging across glossy tiled floor, back hunched and head hanging low, Kyungsoo walks as he remembers the news he’d just received not even half an hour ago.
“You only have six more months.”
He’s not in the mood for anything, except maybe collapsing on the ground right then and there. And that’s when he hears it.
(Well, it’s hard not to because it was so loud.)
Music pumps out from speakers, strong electro beats mixing with soft notes of piano keys in the background. Kyungsoo isn’t sure how the two completely different melodies mold and blend into a song, but hey, if the song’s nice nothing else really matters.
He looks in through the clear glass of the studio’s door and sees a lone man in the studio. He’s dancing (well of course he is, what else can a person do in a dance studio but dance?) and Kyungsoo is entranced by the way he moves his body effortlessly, like the routine has been carved into his very being.
Limbs turning and twisting in elegant fashion, chest heaving up and down heavily as the dancer moves to the rhythm of the music, face tensed in concentration and Kyungsoo wonders how someone can look sexy just by dancing.
The song comes to an end and the man looks over at Kyungsoo. “Were you watching me?”
Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. What else could he be watching? “No, I happened to be staring at the wall behind you.”
The man smirks, one side of his luscious lips curving up into an almost taunting smile. “Fiesty, I see. I like them feisty.”
“What are you talking about,” Kyungsoo deadpans. Surely the guy’s not trying to hit on-
“My name’s Jongin. What’s yours?”
Oh God.
“Kyungsoo.”
“Nice name. Are you gay?”
Well that was straightforward.
“I’m not, and if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be on my way now. Have a nice day.” He starts trudging away from the dance studio and the creepy man who has asked him really strange questions no one should ever answer during a first meeting and then he remembers that he answered Jongin’s questions and is about to slap himself when he feels tugging on his jeans and-
-Why does his pocket feel so empty?
Whirling around so fast he becomes a blur, he sees his phone in Jongin’s hands. Nimble fingers click on buttons and screen lights up brightly, and before Kyungsoo can process the scene in front of him his phone is thrown back at him. He’s not the most coordinated person on earth, so with much difficulty he juggles with the phone before catching it firmly in his hands. Eyes grow even wider than they already are when he sees that Jongin’s saved his number in his phone.
After that meeting, Kyungsoo forgets what having a normal day is.
His message tone doesn’t ever seem to stop ringing because Jongin’s somehow gotten his number and wouldn’t stop texting him, that little fuck. Kyungsoo’s got no time to reply to his messages but why does he find himself reading them and replying and actually laughing at them?
And it doesn’t end after only a day.
Jongin’s persistent, after all.
--
He has only 153 days left when something changes.
It’s evening, slightly past eight, when they’re sitting in a café, talking about nothing in particular and everything there possibly is. Or rather, Jongin’s talking while Kyungsoo’s listening, lips pressed in thin line as he takes in what Jongin says. He’s not sure why but he’s fascinated with the man; the way he talks, the way his arms move animatedly when he talks, the way he takes a big gulp from the soda in from of him, everything.
They walk home together after that, shoulders brushing and hesitant glances thrown to each other; soft brushes of pink dot cheeks and Kyungsoo’s suddenly aware of all sorts of tiny things; was he breathing too loud? Was he walking too close to Jongin? Was there any vegetable between his teeth?
No wait, he didn’t eat anything.
He heaves a sigh of relief and tries to calm his hummingbird heart, but it’s not working. He’s sure he isn’t supposed to feel this way, he isn’t supposed to feel this happy after that piece of news, but why are his feelings so contradicting?
And when they reach Kyungsoo’s apartment building, Kyungsoo takes a chance. He stands on his tiptoes because he’s rather short next to Jongin (he says he isn’t short, but the people around him make him seem that way) and presses his lips to Jongin’s cheek for just a few seconds.
And when he turns to run into the building, his cheeks aren’t pink anymore; instead, they’re flushed bright red.
He’s still pretty sure he’s straight.
--
141 days remain and Jongin makes a move.
He turns up at Kyungsoo’s house at five in the morning, rewarded with the sight of a shirtless Kyungsoo swinging the door open with a slurred what do you want while rubbing sleep out of his eyes.
He silently acknowledges Kyungsoo’s choice in boxers; it’s Spongebob with specks of Patrick the starfish here and there.
Kyungsoo doesn’t bother himself with Jongin because he needs his beauty sleep, damn it, he just spent the whole night thinking about Jongin and-
“Be mine?”
Okay, he didn’t see that coming.
Sleep’s still lacing his mind, wide eyes lidded and heavy with exhaustion; but he knows he’s not asleep (and not straight either) when he wraps his arms around Jongin’s neck, face buried in crook of neck, lips pressed against warm skin when he whispers almost inaudibly, “Yes.”
--
The countdown hits 139 days when they first start holding hands.
They’re sitting side by side on Jongin’s couch and Kyungsoo’s back is stiff; they’re watching some movie on Jongin’s plasma television but he can’t concentrate because Jongin is so close.
He shifts on the couch, desperately trying to make himself more comfortable when suddenly a rough hand is engulfing his and he looks down at his hand, surprised.
Fingers entangle and palms press against one another, Kyungsoo realizes he’s holding Jongin’s hand and he savours every moment of it because he doesn’t have forever to hold onto Jongin’s hand.
So as they watch the movie into the late of the night, Kyungsoo doesn’t bother forcing himself to concentrate on whatever scenario that’s one the big bright screen; instead, he traces Jongin’s hand with the tips of his fingers, memorizing where his palm dips and curves out, mapping out his love on skin.
--
They go on their first date on the 128-day mark on the countdown.
It’s not the first time they go out together, but it’s the first time Jongin asks Kyungsoo out with uncertainty flickering in eyes that turn into crescent moons when Kyungsoo agrees.
They go to the mall and walk around and around until their feet hurt, until their arms are hooked onto one another’s without them even realizing.
“Jongin! It’s a UFO machine!” Kyungsoo tugs on Jongin’s arm, showing great strength for someone so tiny.
“Oh my goodness that plush toy looks like you! I’m going to give this thing a try,” the older man claps gleefully and slides a coin into the coin slot. Jongin peers over and he’s not sure if he should feel insulted or complimented because the plush Kyungsoo’s after is a puppy. He watches in amusement as the shorter man twists the joystick, bringing the claw nearer and nearer the puppy plush.
Almost an hour and sixty-nine coins later, the puppy plush still lies in the UFO machine.
“You suck at this, I’m not even kidding,” Jongin mutters under his breath as he watches Kyungsoo fail to obtain the plush yet again.
“Here, let me try.” He inserts a coin and clumsily controls the joystick, eyeing the claw carefully as it reaches down and fishes the puppy plush out from among the sea of plushies.
He passes the plush to Kyungsoo, wide smirk on lips and victory written all over face. Kyungsoo grabs the plush, mumbles a soft thank you and if Jongin heard correctly, he also said something along the lines of stupid Kim Jongin grabbing the puppy in one go.
Kyungsoo, rather bothered by Jongin, buries his face in the brown fur of his plush, pink cheeked and pouty lipped.
--
121 days before it all ends, they share their first kiss.
Kyungsoo’s rambling about how he’s managed to figure out the secret to making good (“Amazing,” Jongin would correct, but Kyungsoo’s too humble and denies it) kimchi spaghetti.
“You see, I didn’t think it would work earlier, but I decided to give it a go and-”
Jongin’s really sleepy from dance practice and Kyungsoo’s not helping so it’s all he can think of to shut the little guy up for a little while. Don’t get him wrong, he loves Kyungsoo so very much, but sometimes that guy can go a little overboard with the spaghetti.
He kisses Kyungsoo.
Lips press softly and when Jongin pulls away, Kyungsoo’s starstruck. All he feels is a strange floating feeling and his head reels from that one simple kiss.
But his arms reach out and he pulls Jongin in for another kiss.
--
Kyungsoo thinks he should perhaps end the 105 days left when they have their first fight.
He curls up into a fetal position on his bed, arms thrown loosely around knees as sobs rip themselves from his throat and he half screams into his pillow. Jongin’s all that’s keeping him alive now and without Jongin he’s absolutely lost. Family’s gone and friends have left; Kyungsoo’s alone.
Tears streaking down cheeks, hands curling into fists so tight that fingernails are denting palms, Kyungsoo cries out all the frustration he feels; how he felt about those six months left, how he was sad over their fight, how much he misses Jongin at this moment.
And he’s reduced to a mess of hiccups and soft breathes when darkness wipes his tears away gently and replaces them with sound sleep.
--
102 days left and when Kyungsoo’s about to give up, Jongin appears at his doorstep with a bouquet of lilies.
He’s been ignoring Jongin’s calls and messages and basically missing out on everything that’s outside his house and Jongin’s been so worried he’s practically pulling his hair out.
Kyungsoo creaks the door open because he just doesn’t have the energy to do anything and scares Jongin because those eyebags underneath his eyes look so horrible and his wide eyes are bloodshot and his nose is red like he’s been crying (which he has) and everything hits Jongin so damn hard and he pulls Kyungsoo into a big hug and, and-
“I miss you so fucking much,” he murmurs into Kyungsoo’s ear. He pulls away and presents a bouquet of white lilies. “I know you dislike roses, so how about some lilies? I like lilies.”
“Thank you. I missed you too,” He takes the flowers and forgives Jongin. “I still have something I want to give you though,” Jongin says shyly and Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow.
He laughs for the first time in the past few days and wraps his arms around Jongin’s waist.
--
95 days remain and Jongin gives Kyungsoo the present he promised.
They’re in a room, on a bed; the sheets are pulled off and strewn on the floor along with messily thrown clothes.
Moans and groans fill the otherwise silent air and the atmosphere feels so hot Kyungsoo’s actually wondering if the air conditioner has broken done. All Kyungsoo feels is Jongin all over him and Jongin all over him actually feels pretty darn good. He’s panting heavily, the feeling of falling apart hitting him hard; it’s Jongin who’s holding him together, because truth to be told Kyungsoo is falling apart bit by bit.
Soft tips of fingertips trace abdominal muscles and Kyungsoo spreads his hands over Jongin’s chest, trying to memorise every part of Jongin there is because there’s not much time left before all these feelings disappear. He memorises the planes of Jongin’s body and how his skin feels so warm under his hands; how Jongin holds him gently as if he’s made of china and the sound of Jongin’s moans.
Boxers disappear and Kyungsoo sees Jongin’s size for the first time, lust-filled eyes widening.
“It-It’s not going to fit,” Kyungsoo breathes heavily, but then Jongin assures him with a shushed we’ll make it fit and just when he’s doubting Jongin, he finds out that yes, they do fit, because they’re pieces of the same puzzle, incomplete without one another and a perfect picture when they’re together.
--
79 days more and Kyungsoo realizes.
He doesn’t know what took him so long to realize, but he does know that he shouldn’t be doing this.
Because when he’s gone after these six months, after these 184 days, Jongin’s going to be left alone, Jongin’s going to be hurt, Jongin’s going to be alone.
He should never have talked to Jongin, or fallen for him, or hugged him, or kissed him, or made love to him, or accepted those lilies from him, or-
-led him on.
Because in 79 days he’ll be gone, everything’ll be gone.
And Jongin doesn’t know.
--
61 days before it’s all gone Kyungsoo sees the signs.
He’s coughing up blood and wheezing and panting as if he’s just ran a marathon, and he knows it’s all coming soon.
Body shaking violently with every cough, he collapses on the chilly tiles of his kitchen, hand holding blood soaked tissue over mouth and eyes watering because it’s painful.
--
31 days isn’t enough time and Kyungsoo breaks down.
They’re playing on Jongin’s Xbox when Kyungsoo starts tearing up. His hands freeze up on his controller and he stares forward, drops of water falling rapidly down his cheeks and he doesn’t know why they’re falling and why he’s crying right now.
But it hurts so fucking much.
Everything is Jongin and everything hurts; Kyungsoo doesn’t want to hurt Jongin when he leaves, he doesn’t want to disappear without any warning, he doesn’t want to hurt this much, he doesn’t want to be gone.
“Baby, why did you - oh my God are you crying?!” Jongin pulls Kyungsoo into his arms and pat the back of his head, other hand rubbing circles on Kyungsoo’s back and unknowingly this just makes Kyungsoo cry more.
Because Kyungsoo’s going to miss this.
All the fun they have together, all the laughter they share, all the hugs, all the kisses, all the whispers of I love you and he’s going to miss all of these but most of all he’s going to miss Jongin.
Will Jongin miss him too?
Jongin comforts Kyungsoo with a quiet I’m here, it’s going to be alright and Kyungsoo presses the heels of his hands into his closed eyes as if he’s trying to plug the tears.
Because he knows Jongin will always be here while he won’t and he knows nothing’s going to be alright.
--
It’s Christmas when there’s only 7 days left.
They’re a combination of intertwined fingers, mushrooms of hot breath in the cold winter air and sweet whispers cutting through comfortable silence.
After they eat and share gifts, they snuggle on the loveseat and Jongin talks.
(He always talks.)
“Let’s go out together on the eve of New Year’s Eve. We’ll go to that cliff at the abandoned beach and talk till it’s morning. We’ll stay up all night and watch the first sunrise of the year. If it’s cold we’ll share our warmth, and you can bring the food and I’ll bring the blankets.”
Kyungsoo smiles sadly and doesn’t say anything because he knows all those will never happen.
--
Jongin leaves when there’s 5 days remaining.
It’s a family trip and Kyungsoo doesn’t want him to go because five more fucking days and he won’t see Jongin anymore.
But he knows it’s selfish for him to deny Jongin of his family so he lets him go.
He says he’ll be back on New Year’s Eve but that’s too late because New Year’s the day he’ll disappear.
Before Jongin leaves his apartment tp meet his parents at the airport, Kyungsoo heads over and wraps his arms around Jongin’s waist, pressing their bodies as close together as possible.
“I’ll miss you,” he mumbles into the material of Jongin’s shirt, words lost between thin threads of cloth.
“Me too.”
“Don’t even forget that I love you and you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, okay?”
“I won’t, I love you too,” Jongin laughs because Kyungsoo looks so cute now and he really doesn’t know what’s going on.
“Goodbye, Jongin.”
--
Kyungsoo gazes at the moon because tomorrow’s the day.
He wonders if Jongin’s staring at the same moon too, then ditches that thought because it’s too cheesy.
Jongin’s cheesiness is rubbing off on him.
A lone tear streaks its way down his cheek and he looks at the letter on his desk. He’ll bring it to the park tomorrow and let Jongin know about it because he can’t be in the park and the letter’s the only way he can let Jongin know.
Cheesy, but it’s all Jongin’s fault that Kyungsoo’s this cheesy.
So before he coughs himself to sleep, he sends a text message to Jongin, the last one he’ll ever send.
See you at the park tomorrow at 9p.m! Usual bench, okay?
--
The countdown ends.
He doesn’t regret the impulse-filled moment when he talked to the man in that dance studio, when he threw his arms around Jongin’s neck after accepting his confession, when he wrapped his legs around Jongin’s waist as they made love, when he kissed Jongin because he loves the man too much, when he fell in love with Jongin. He doesn’t regret anything, because everything is Jongin and he doesn’t regret meeting Jongin.
Bright lights come on and a droplet carves a river down Kyungsoo’s cheek. Doctors and nurses keep telling him something soothing but he doesn’t listen to them because all he hears is Jongin.
“But you look younger than me, why should I call you hyung?!”
“Be mine?”
“I know you dislike roses, so how about some lilies? I like lilies.”
“You don’t know what you do to me.”
“I’m here, it’s gonna be alright.”
“I want kimchi spaghetti…”
“I love you.”
He remembers the feeling of Jongin’s arms around him, the feeling of Jongin’s chest against his back, the feeling of Jongin’s plump lips against his own, the feeling of Jongin nipping playfully on his ear, the feeling of Jongin in him, the feeling of waking up to a drooling Jongin, the feeling of Jongin.
He’s lying down now, back rigid against the coldness of the examination table. Needle presses into skin but he doesn’t feel it because he’s numb. Kyungsoo remembers, he remembers everything, and it starts raining inside the hospital building because raindrops have started falling from his eyes and he doesn’t know how to stop them; he can’t stop them.
184 days fly past Kyungsoo’s teary eyes and all he sees is Jongin smiling, Jongin laughing, Jongin dancing, Jongin teasing, Jongin crying, Jongin pouting, Jongin moaning, Jongin, Jongin, Jongin.
He can’t feel his limbs anymore and when darkness starts pushing their way into his clouded vision, he closes his eyes with a sad smile and a final though lingering in his mind.
Jongin, I love you.
--
Jongin runs to the park bench and sees a letter and a white rose instead of Kyungsoo.
Jongin is written neatly in Kyungsoo’s handwriting on the envelope and he’s surprised. He makes himself comfortable and starts reading the letter.
His eyes widen at the start.
Halfway through and the tears start to fall.
And when he’s done, it takes all his willpower to not scream.
Hey Jongin.
You must be wondering why I’m not here right? I just want to apologise because I should never have led you on.
The day I walked past your dance studio was the day I found out that I’m sick, and I only had six months to live from then on.
The day I found out I was sick was both the worst and best day of my life; all I could think of was how I was going to die but then I met you and every single day from then on has been pure bliss.
I’m sorry for not telling you earlier, I’m sorry for loving you even though I knew we’d have to end this. I’m sorry for hurting you.
Do you see the white rose? It’s a rose people use when they’re getting married. I just want you to know that this rose represents my love for you. It’s never going to end because I can’t find a way to end it even if I wanted to; I love you too much.
(By the way, it’s artificial because I know you can’t keep that thing alive for even one day. Also it’s because my love for you will never die.)
Please don’t cry. You’re probably hurting very badly now and I’m so sorry I can’t be there to comfort you, I’m so sorry that I’m the reason you’re hurting.
I’m not going to sign off because signing off means the end and I don’t want this to be the end; I don’t want anything to end.
I don’t want us to end.