The Pianist [Chapter 5/?]
Title: The Pianist
Author: zetastation
Beta: the awesome zeta beta @Neta_lichT !!!
Pairing: Belldom
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: angst and language.
Summary: Dom is getting a cold shoulder from Matt since what happened on the previous night, but he will try everything to make it up to his beloved friend.
Feedback: It's really important! It's the only way to know that you read it and it's also the only way to know what you thought about it. Criticism, compliments, suggestions... everything is welcome! Your opinion will help me to improve my writing skills, so I thank you very much if you comment :)
Disclaimer: I don’t own Muse. This is a work of fiction and it never happened. The recipe that I used in this chapter is from here, I know nothing about cooking, so I had to ask Mr. Google :'D Let me know if you decide to test it.
Author’s Note: Update, update!!! Yaaay! It's a 5,475 words chapter (the longest one so far) and I must thank my beta @Neta_lichT for her amazing work and unlimited patience! I think she's my coach because she put a goal and I had to reach it. Guess what: I REACHED THE GOAL and updated this fic in one week!!! :'D Thank you so so so much Neta! I love you! <3 And I know you are tired of all my silly mistakes, but you still beta it! Have I ever said that I love you? <3
P.S.: This chapter has a few flashback scenes. To distinguish them from the 'now', during the flashback conversations are italic and Dom's narration is regular; and if you pay close attention you'll notice that flashbacks are this color (I know it's not Oh! So different!).
P.S.2: I promise you, the angst is almost over! :')
Prologue - Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 Part A
***
‘I am not your Matthew anymore!’
‘I am not your Matthew anymore!’
‘I am not your Matthew anymore!’
It was all very sudden; I didn’t know what to say or what to do. I had no idea he was feeling uncomfortable… Or I rather preferred to ignore it… I’m stupid! And the way Matt reacted… His words… They wouldn't stop echoing in my mind. I hope he didn’t mean it, I hope he only said that because he was annoyed.
I ran my hands through my hair, wiped my forehead and then went upstairs, too. I walked towards Matt’s room and knocked on the door, waiting him to answer that. “Matt, are you there?” I heard nothing inside. I tried to turn the knob but the door was locked, so I knocked once more. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you into something you didn’t feel ready to do. Sorry…”
“But you did it!” he sneered at me, that was the first thing I heard Matt say to me. “Now leave me alone.” I could hear him whispering.
It was enough. I wouldn't force him anymore. Stupid, I am stupid! A fool, a twat! That’s what I am. Damn it! Things were so going so well between us, but now… I’ve spoiled everything. I couldn’t disturb him right now, I understood he was angry. The best I could do was leave him and let him clear his mind. Yes, that’s what I will do….
Once again I went downstairs and to the living room, Hendrix following me the whole time. I was bewildered… “Sorry friend.” I said, putting Hendrix in my arms and sitting on the couch.
I stayed there. Sitting and trying of think in a way to make it up to Matt, falling asleep in the process.
***
The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was Matt’s shape walking towards the kitchen. I rubbed my eyes, yawned and sat up, looking around to recognize the place. Yeah, I definitely slept on the couch. It was not a dream. Damn it. I thought maybe things could be better the next morning, but I couldn’t be more wrong. Matt just kept ignoring me, as if I didn’t even exist, as if I was only a ghost that he tried to ignore.
Scratching my nape, I looked at the carpet and found Hendrix still sleeping. It looked like he was the only one who wasn’t pissed off. Good, at least someone is free from some kind of sadness… I stood up and stretched, yawning again, then I headed to the kitchen and found Matt absorbed, staring at the refrigerator.
He didn’t notice my presence so I kept observing him. Matt was searching for something to eat, I was sure, but he didn’t know what to choose. I folded my arms and couldn’t help but smile at that scene. Even though last night ended not in the best way, I couldn’t be mad at him. I love that guy, and I’m afraid my love for him only grows day by day.
Matt leaned forward, one hand on his hips and the other on his chin, humming whilst thinking what he could eat. He gave it up, shook his head and groaned as he closed the refrigerator door. “Want some help?” I offered in an attempt to make it up to him. He only looked over his shoulder, finally noticing that I was there, before turning his attention to the table.
Sitting on the chair, Matt looked towards the window, tapping his fingers over the wooden table. “Still not talking to me?” I inquired as he said nothing, not even looking at me. “Got it…” I sighed and opened the refrigerator, scanning the interior. “Do you want some corn flakes with milk?” I suggested as I held the milk bottle and pointed to the corn flake package inside the cupboard, visible only because of the glass. Matt only looked to the milk, and from the milk to the package, and once again, he didn’t say anything.
Okay, getting a cold shoulder from my best friend is not the best way to start a day. “Matt, I’m sorry for whatever I said or did. I’m really sorry, but you can’t ignore me forever, okay?” I told him whilst I opened the cupboard and took the corn flakes, disposing both package and bottle in front of him. “I’m here to help you. I’m your friend, not your enemy.” I took a spoon and a bowl, poured flakes and milk into it and pushed it to Matt. He didn’t move a finger towards his bowl. “I thought you were hungry.” I lifted an eyebrow and waited for his answer. Who said he would talk to me? “You don’t want corn flakes? You should at least try, you know? You used to like it, but if you don’t want… There’s no problem, I will cook something else.”
I took a clean pan from the cupboard, a package of maple leaf bacon, sliced bread, spinach, four eggs, gruyere cheese, two cloves of garlic, olive oil, salt and pepper. Once I had all the ingredients to make the breakfast, I stepped closer the kitchen worktop and disposed the materials over it. First of all, I had to preheat the oven, then, I minced up the cloves of garlic, tossing them into the pan with olive oil. I fried the garlic until it turned golden and fragrant and then I threw in the spinach, covering the pan with a lid.
While the spinach was frying, I took another pan and fried a few strips of bacon. I turn my attention back to the spinach, took the lid off and stirred a little bit until everything was cooked. Finally I added a pinch of salt and black pepper, setting it aside. I took my muffin tin and placed four rounds of bread into the bottom of it, added some shredded gruyere, put some spinach down, lined the perimeter of the cups with two stripes of bacon and cracked an egg in the middle of each cup. I couldn’t forget to top them with more cheese, of course, and finally put them in the oven for a few minutes.
During the whole process I could notice Matt observing me. I mean, he looked really curious about what I was cooking for him and didn’t realize I was aware of his stare the whole time. Proud guy… Why can’t he throw in the towel? While I was waiting for the meal get ready, I leaned on the worktop, crossed my arms and sighed when I realized Matt had not touched his corn flakes. “How long will it be until you'll finally decide to talk to me again? Is this some kind of a punishment?” I asked. Matt just started tapping his fingers on the table again, ignoring me.
Damn it, I was sick of his silliness. I mean, was he hurt? Okay, I was able to try and fix it. Well, I could try to fix it only if he let me… First of all, about what exactly was he so mad at me? So many things happened the last night. Was he acting like this because of the… Shower time? Was he ashamed of that? No, it couldn’t be it. I was helping him, he knew it. Why be angry about help? It didn’t make sense. Was because of the piano thing? Maybe he was angry at himself because he wasn’t able to play. Yeah, maybe it was because of that. Well, I couldn’t help him. I would have liked to try, but he wouldn’t talk to me. I wanted to explain that he didn’t need to try anything he didn’t want to. We will have time to this, I was sure.
After a few minutes I realized the breakfast was ready. I took out of the oven the muffin tin and put it over the worktop. Hm, it smelt really good! I disposed the bacon and eggs (I don’t know the name of that recipe; I learnt it from the internet and never knew the name. Who cares? It’s delicious!) on the dish and put it in front of Matt. Again, he even didn’t look at the dish.
“Eat it. I’m sure you will like it.” I offered with a warm smile, trying to comforting him. Silence was all I got from him. “Matt, please! Talk to me! Don’t you think it’s enough?” What was that…? Oh! Silence… “You can’t pretend; I know you’re hungry and you will have to eat something anyway.” I crossed my arms, lifting one eyebrow and waited. He finally looked at me. Those static blue eyes looking into mine, almost constraining.
“I’m not hungry.” It was the only thing he said before his stomach growled. Matt couldn’t help but blush at that, immediately turning his gaze to his fingers.
“Oh, you’re not hungry, are you?” I mocked and shook my head. “Okay, let’s do it your way then. You’re not talking to me? Great! My day couldn’t be better! Thank you. Do whatever you want, I’m tired.” I turned on my heels, snorting whilst on my way to my room. “Fuck!” I huffed when I slammed the door, hitting my head on the door on purpose. “Why he can’t accept my apologies?”
I decided it’d be better if I went out to clear my mind. My attempts to make it up to him were failing miserably and I was getting really bothered. I went to the bathroom, took a shower and dried myself. In a few minutes I was dressed. I took my wallet, my car keys and mobile and went downstairs. When I passed through the kitchen, I saw Matt gulping down the bacon and eggs. The corn flakes bowl was already empty. I couldn’t help but smile when I realized how much he was enjoying the food.
“Oh, Jesus!” He moaned, eyes closed and humming whilst tasting the bacon. Then he realized my presence and became all cold and serious. I sighed.
“I am going to get the groceries. I will be right back.” I told him, facing him again. I already knew he wouldn’t say anything. So why insist, hm? I kept walking to the door, Hendrix the only one to say goodbye to me. Well, not really ‘saying’, you know… He only licked my shoes and sat on the carpet, looking at me. “See you, Hendrix.” I smiled and he wagged his tail.
***
“He is… A bit annoyed, you know?” I told Chris through the phone whilst I was looking for the tomatoes at the supermarket. I found the vegetable section and walked with the trolley towards the tomatoes.
“But why? What did you do?” He asked concerned and I heard a baby crying. “Ernie, my boy! Shush, mom is on her way to home, okay?”
“Are you busy, Chris? I'll talk to you later.” I suggested as I started to choose the best tomatoes. I needed them to make sauce because I was planning to cook some spaghetti again, since Matt liked it.
“No, Dom. We can keep talking.” He hurried to say. “I’m just feeding Ernie.”
“You? Feeding him?” I laughed when I pictured Chris breastfeeding his baby. “So, Kelly is the one who wears the trousers, hu?”
“Ah-ha, you’re so funny, Dom.” Chris pretended to laugh, but I knew he was smiling. “I said feeding, not breastfeeding, you idiot.”
“Oi! Christopher Tony Wolstenholme, did you just swear in front of our baby?!” I imitated Kelly’s voice in a reproaching tone, laughing after that.
“He’s not even one year old. He can't understand what I said. So, you were talking about Matt.”
“Oh, yes…” I kept silent, still picking tomatoes. One of them fell on the floor and I bent down to grab it.
“I’m all ears. Tell me what happened.”
“Well, to be honest, I don’t know exactly why he’s upset… I mean, last night some things happened, but…” Should I tell Chris everything what happened? Every detail? He could misunderstand the shower part… Chris doesn’t know I love Matt. No one knows.
“Things? What do you- Dominic!” Chris increased the volume of his voice and took me by surprise. “What the heck did you do?” He asked in a parental tone, worried.
“W-what are you suggesting, Chris? I did nothing, okay? We just… We just argued…” I almost whispered at the memory of Matt thundering upstairs.
“But why?”
“Well, let’s just say he wasn’t really comfortable…” Enough tomatoes. I went to the pasta section. I was out of pasta.
“I think you’re trying to hurry him up.”
“Why would you say that?” How would Chris know?!
“Oh, please, Dom, I've known you for years. You and Matt…” I heard him sighing. “You know, you two were always so close, always doing the same things together. I know you miss him so bad, you want him to… You want him to act the same way he used to, but you need to understand, Dom. Matt, he…” Chris’ voice was sad, broken… I wondered if he was holding back tears… It was hard for me, too. I felt my eyes getting wet. Fuck. I couldn’t cry in the middle of the supermarket!
I frowned, pinched the bridge of my nose and took a deep breath. “Yes, Chris. I know…” I had even stopped walking; I didn’t remember what I had to do. “I’m still getting used to it…”
“It’s a matter of time now. Be patient, Dom.”
“Yeah, sure.” I shook my head and kept on my way to the pasta section. We didn’t say anything else after that and I could feel my mobile slowly heating my ear. I passed through a few sections; just staring at one of the aisles. Suddenly, that vision brought to me a memory…
***
“Oh, fuck, Matt! Are you crazy?!” Laughing hysterically, I half asked half barked whilst chasing him between the supermarket aisles. That crazy guy was riding a freaking kick scooter in the middle of the freaking supermarket!
“You won’t catch me, moron!” He burst out laughing and almost hit a woman on his way.
“Stop it, Matt! You will end up killing someone!” I tried to say in a worried tone, but I couldn’t help laughing.
***
I couldn’t remember clearly when that happened, probably 2001 or 2002… We were high on mushrooms, you can’t blame me for not remembering that! But there were things I couldn’t ever forget… Matt’s laugh, Matt’s smile, Matt’s shining eyes, Matt’s happiness, Matt’s company. Matt…
Matt…
He always made me smile, made me laugh…
Matt always made me happy.
“Are you okay, Dom?” Chris asked, waking me out of my trance, suddenly feeling too nostalgic to stay there.
“I'm fine. Still feeding Ernie?” I asked in an attempt to change the topic.
“Oh, yeah, yeah.” He coughed. “Listen, Dom. I was wondering, what do you think about us planning something for this weekend?”
“For Matt? I think it would be great!” I concluded.
“Yeah, we could invite Tom, Morgan, Gaia, Kelly and the kids, Paul, Anderson, Glen… You know, a family meal.” He chuckled and I smiled.
“Sure, mate. It would be great. Dinner?”
“Yes, maybe.”
“Nice. I will help cook something.” I offered.
“Thanks, dude.”
“Well, I am already doing the groceries, so I will buy ingredients for the dinner.”
“Okay!” I heard Ernie crying again. “Sorry, Dom. Gotta go…”
“It’s alright, Chris. Talk to you later.”
“Okay, dude. Bye.” He hung up and I put my mobile in my pocket.
***
When I came back home I decided to enter through the kitchen door because it was near the garage and I had a few grocery bags to carry inside. Oh, and of course I didn’t want to disturb Matt. He was mad at me and I was pretty sure he would refuse to help me.
I placed the bags on the table and walked towards the living room, but I stopped in the middle of the way when I heard Matt talking to someone. Who was there? I found myself lurking from the living room doorway. Matt had his back to me, sitting on the carpet and petting Hendrix, who lazed beside him, his head over one Matt’s legs.
That scene took me by surprise. I wouldn’t ever imagine that Matt could be talking to Hendrix! I paid more attention to catch what he was saying. What was the subject? “Can you understand? I think you can’t…” He said, sad. “What are you expecting from me?” Hm? Was he really talking to Hendrix? “I don’t know who I am, I don’t know who you are and it scares me. You have no idea. But the real reason to this make me so scared is because… Despite all my lack of knowledge about you, I still feel that I know you…”
Oh… He’s talking to ME… “I know you told me the truth. I trust you, really. I believe we were best friends, I can feel it’s true. This is what scares me. Last night you…” He kept silent for a moment, looked to Hendrix and realized the dog was already sleeping. “You helped me last night. I thank you very much for that, but then you started talking about the ‘old’ me.” ‘Old’ you? Don’t say that, Matt! You are the same… You may not believe it, but you are the same…
“You said how good I was; you talked about my skills with such happiness in your eyes… Skills that I don’t even know I could have!” Matt kept talking. “But… You need to understand I don’t know anything anymore! I can’t sing, I can’t play the piano or guitar or whatever I used to play. I can’t! And I told you…” He whispered. I could hear the misery in his voice and I frowned, gulped and started to feel guilty.
“Even though, you kept forcing me. You asked me to try to play something, but I knew I was not able to anymore. For God sakes, you couldn’t stop asking me to do that! You pushed me into something I was sure I would spoil!” Suddenly he sounded really irritable. “I wish I could play the piano, I wish I could be the guy I was before! I didn’t want to disappoint you and I don’t even know you!” Disappoint me?! Matthew, you can never let me down! “Can you understand what it means?! You don’t know what it feels like. It wasn’t you who woke up to an unfamiliar world and had to face it without knowing who you were; without knowing any of the people around you who were supposedly your best friends.”
I see… Now I understood what made him so upset… Damn it, I was so eager to teach him about himself only because I wanted him back. I still wanted him back… “Of all the people I met after waking up, you were the only one who I immediately felt I could trust. That was weird. I’ve never ever had seen you before and at the same time I felt like I knew you for a whole lifetime.” Was he telling the truth…? Does he really think it? Jesus… I had no idea…
“Please. Give me more chance…” He turned his gaze to Hendrix. “I will try my best, but you need to accept the fact that I may not be successful…” Okay, Matt. I won’t force you anymore. “Don’t blame me…” He said with a trembling voice and then headed one hand to his face. Was Matt crying?! I would never forgive myself for making him cry!
At that moment I felt the urge to just run to him and hug him; telling him how sorry I was and that I would never do something like that to him again. I was so fucking selfish! I thought everything was okay; I didn’t put myself in his place. Of course he was scared! It was just like he said, he didn’t know me- Well, he didn’t know me yet… And I only bombarded him! I was such a dick head! Fuck, I couldn’t stop blaming myself right now. I screwed everything up! Stupid me! Go kill yourself, Dom!
I thought Matt heard me snorting because he started to look around. I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to see me eavesdropping, so I ran back to the kitchen, opened the back door and closed it again. “I’m back!” I announced, pretending I had just arrived. I wiggled the bags over the wooden table, like I just had placed them there, then I walked back to the living room.
Matt only looked over his shoulders and turned his attention back to Hendrix, but the dog was still sleeping. Matt held him in his arms and stood up. He was on his way to upstairs when I hurried and grabbed his sleeve. He turned to face me, arching both eyebrows. “Wait…” I asked, he stopped and for the first time since we argued, Matt gave me his attention. “I'm Sorry, Matt.” He sighed, shook his head and kept walking. “Where are you going?” I followed him.
“Stop! Don’t follow me!” He shouted, immediately scaring me and waking Hendrix up, starting to wiggle in Matt’s arms. “Shh… I’m sorry…” Matt told Hendrix, stepping away from me.
I just stayed there, agape, one hand on the handrail. Why did he react like that? I thought he had calmed down… I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to give myself some time.
I went to my bedroom and picked my fishing gear. Yes, I was going to fish a bit. I used to do it often when I was mad at something. Most of the time Matt came along with me… Well, this time it was different…
***
There I was, sitting on a rock, waiting for a fish to bite. It was a lake near the road, a forty minute drive from home. I needed to clear my mind; it wasn’t enough only to go shopping. I never thought I would think this, but… I needed time away from Matt…
***
“It’s a pwopah fish! I caught a pwopah fish, Dom!” Matt cried happily whilst rolling in the fishing line. But then the fish slipped and fell on the ground, flailing. Chris, Tom and I burst out laughing. Matt never was a good fisher.
***
His problem pronouncing the 'R' sounds has always intrigued me. Honestly, I found it cute. He used to fumble through the words when speaking too fast, this usually happening when he was nervous or anxious.
It was another detail about him that I loved. I still love it.
I could remember every time we went to a similar place like that, a lake far away from any disturber, only Matt and me. There were times when we didn’t even tell Chris or Tom about our whereabouts. And Chris is right, Matt and I were so close, always doing everything together… And the little details about him just made me love him even more.
We met when we were young and were desperate to create a band. I can split my life in two eras, pre-Matt and with Matt. It may sound funny, but it’s the truth. Before I knew him, my life had nothing really special. I was a regular guy, attending to a regular school, with regular friends. Basically, I had a regular life. I couldn’t complain; it was a good life.
But it got so much better after I met Matt.
Quickly he became my best friend. We went to and from school together, always babbling so much, and rambling nonsense. In front of the others, Matt was visibly shy, didn’t talk too much and most of the people thought he was some kind of a freak, a nerd. But when we were together… Matt would show his true self. Somehow he chose to really open up to me even though we didn’t know each other for so long. It was like we had known each other for a lifetime… Just like Matt said earlier.
Matt always greeted me with his warm smile, with his ocean blue eyes… Eyes that took claim of my heart after only a few years of friendship. At first I thought it was only friendship, because I’ve never had a friend as close as him, but then I realized it was something more. Well, if you give up on a girlfriend to be with your male best friend, I’m pretty sure it’s not only a regular friendship. It was definitely something deeper. I’m not lying. There were times when I was with a girl and couldn’t stop counting the hours until I would see Matt again.
There were so many things to talk about us… I wish Matt could listen to my thoughts and know how important he is to me; how much I care about him. Actually, I will tell him everything, but I need to be patient. I didn’t want to scare him again… I will have enough time to talk to him after we will make up.
My thoughts were disturbed by my phone buzzing. I didn’t feel like answering that call, so I ignored it, but the phone kept buzzing like hell. “Damn it, I’m sure it’s Tom!” I muttered but I turned to stone when I read the name on the display of my iPhone 3G. ‘Matt - home’ was all that was written. “Matt?!” I asked when I answered the call, but I heard nothing from the other side. “Matt, are you okay?” I was both worried and surprised at the same time. Was he in trouble? How could he remember my number? His phone was not even with him right now, so there was no way for Matt look through the number list!
He hung up.
Oh, fuck! I couldn’t stay there anymore! I needed to know what happened to Matt and why he called me! I drove back home; almost crashing my car on the way. I had enough car accidents for a lifetime, but I had to get home as fast as I could! Only God knows what was happening to Matt.
When I finally arrived, I hurried to the front door and opened. “Matt! Matthew! Are you okay?” He didn’t answer me. Geez, I got more worried! “Where are you?! Talk to me!” I called around the house concerned. My heart was beating so fast that I thought it would burst out of my chest.
I ran to the kitchen. He was not there.
“Matthew!”
I ran upstairs, to his room. I opened the door in a sudden swing and found him sitting on his bed. “Thank God, I found you!” I stepped closer to him, but he only looked at me confused.
“What do you want?” He asked, in a stern tone.
“What do I want?” I lifted an eyebrow and repeated his question. “What do you think I want? You called me!” He kept silent. “What happened? Why did you call me if you didn’t want to talk to me? Why are you still twisting my brain like this?!” Nothing from him. “What do you want me to do?! I already know what is upsetting you, I heard you talking to Hendrix when I came back home earlier.”
Matt widened his eyes and stuttered. “D-did you listen to that?!”
“Oh, now you’re talking, hm?!” I mocked. Stop, Dom. You’re not helping. “Yes, Matt. I listened to that and I thought we could sit and talk about it. I want to settle things, but no! You won't talk to me! You’re still ignoring me!” I shook my hands in the air, gesticulating whilst arguing. Fuck, Dom. Stop it NOW! “Why can’t we just chat? Stop ignoring me! It hurts, you know? And to be honest, I tried my best to give you enough time to think about your silliness. I’m sick of it, Matt!” I sighed and left Matt scared, agape in his bedroom.
Oh, Dom. You are so wrong. So fucking wrong!
I slammed the door of my bedroom for the second time that day and then I locked it. I kicked off my shoes and threw myself on my bed. I didn’t even know what time it was. I didn’t give a fuck too. The last thing I remember before falling asleep was my eyes tearing.
***
I had a dream. It was a good dream. I almost could feel the warmth in the dream. A sweet melody reaching my ears, echoing through the whole house…
In my dream I stood up from my bed and followed the sound. It came from the music room. I went downstairs, still feeling dozy, my head felt like it was in the clouds and as I got nearer to the music room, I heard the music getting louder, filling my ears and surprising me with such wonder.
I stayed in the doorway, looking inside the room and realizing it was sunset. The last of the sunshine was inundating the place with a warm tone, sepia. The piano was in the middle of the room and Matt was there, playing it. He was playing in my dream. He was able to do it again.
The song was a composition created by him. He had been working on it for years now and he had almost finished it, but… You know, the accident happened. I remember he said the song would be called ‘Redemption’. Actually it was a long composition but split into three shorter songs, ‘Overture’, ‘Cross-Pollination’ and finally ‘Redemption’. The whole thing was named ‘Exogenesis Symphony’, Matt’s ultimate masterpiece.
The dream was so real… I was almost beginning to think it was not a dream… I could feel the cold floor under my feet, I could feel the warmth of the room, my ears were hearing a song, and the song was so real…
Was I dreaming…?
Were my eyes tricking me? The vision of Matt’s fingers pressing and running over the keys was so real… Just the way they used to move.
Were my ears tricking me? The sound was exactly the same as to when he had played it to me in the studio… Exactly the same…
Was my body tricking me? The heat of the tears in my eyes was so vivid…
I wasn’t dreaming; it was real…
And then Matt played a bit he never had played before and ended the movement of his fingers on the ivory keys, leaving them there to rest. Did he just complete his composition…? But how?! When he finished playing he lifted his head and finally realized I was there. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. Actually I wanted to hug him and tell him how glad I was, but I was afraid he would still ignore me. Why keep doing it? I told him it hurts…
I felt my heart beating so fast and at the same time I felt pain. I felt the words stick in my throat. I felt the world stop spinning. “Dominic…” I heard his voice calling me. Now I was confused… Was he talking to me? If so, I’m dreaming… “Oh, God! Why are you crying?” He stood up and ran towards me, a worried look in his eyes.
Crying…? I am not crying, am I?
“I’m sorry!” Matt hurried to say. “I didn’t mean to make you cry! I was confused- I’m still confused! I-I don’t…” He spoke hastily and I couldn’t help but hug Matt, burying my face between his shoulder and neck. He was right, I was crying, I could now feel the tears streaming down my face. I heard Matt sighing when I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him tightly, like it was the last time, like I would never see him anymore… “D-Dominic…” He stuttered as he hugged me back.
Matt hugged me back…
I thought he was mad at me…
“Forgive me, Matt! I was so wrong! I forced you, I didn’t mean to make you feel annoyed or anything! But I made mistakes, I know. Please, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” I said everything at once, laboured breathing; I wanted to let him know I was sorry. I think I have already used this word way too much…
“It’s okay…” He whispered, his long fingers running over my back, caressing me. “We were both wrong.”
“Maybe…” I felt my breathing returning to normal, but I stayed there, hugged to Matt. He didn’t complain, so I thought it was okay. We were going to talk and settle everything down. Everything was going to be alright.
Matt was there.
***
Author: zetastation
Beta: the awesome zeta beta @Neta_lichT !!!
Pairing: Belldom
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: angst and language.
Summary: Dom is getting a cold shoulder from Matt since what happened on the previous night, but he will try everything to make it up to his beloved friend.
Feedback: It's really important! It's the only way to know that you read it and it's also the only way to know what you thought about it. Criticism, compliments, suggestions... everything is welcome! Your opinion will help me to improve my writing skills, so I thank you very much if you comment :)
Disclaimer: I don’t own Muse. This is a work of fiction and it never happened. The recipe that I used in this chapter is from here, I know nothing about cooking, so I had to ask Mr. Google :'D Let me know if you decide to test it.
Author’s Note: Update, update!!! Yaaay! It's a 5,475 words chapter (the longest one so far) and I must thank my beta @Neta_lichT for her amazing work and unlimited patience! I think she's my coach because she put a goal and I had to reach it. Guess what: I REACHED THE GOAL and updated this fic in one week!!! :'D Thank you so so so much Neta! I love you! <3 And I know you are tired of all my silly mistakes, but you still beta it! Have I ever said that I love you? <3
P.S.: This chapter has a few flashback scenes. To distinguish them from the 'now', during the flashback conversations are italic and Dom's narration is regular; and if you pay close attention you'll notice that flashbacks are this color (I know it's not Oh! So different!).
P.S.2: I promise you, the angst is almost over! :')
Prologue - Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 Part A
***
‘I am not your Matthew anymore!’
‘I am not your Matthew anymore!’
‘I am not your Matthew anymore!’
It was all very sudden; I didn’t know what to say or what to do. I had no idea he was feeling uncomfortable… Or I rather preferred to ignore it… I’m stupid! And the way Matt reacted… His words… They wouldn't stop echoing in my mind. I hope he didn’t mean it, I hope he only said that because he was annoyed.
I ran my hands through my hair, wiped my forehead and then went upstairs, too. I walked towards Matt’s room and knocked on the door, waiting him to answer that. “Matt, are you there?” I heard nothing inside. I tried to turn the knob but the door was locked, so I knocked once more. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you into something you didn’t feel ready to do. Sorry…”
“But you did it!” he sneered at me, that was the first thing I heard Matt say to me. “Now leave me alone.” I could hear him whispering.
It was enough. I wouldn't force him anymore. Stupid, I am stupid! A fool, a twat! That’s what I am. Damn it! Things were so going so well between us, but now… I’ve spoiled everything. I couldn’t disturb him right now, I understood he was angry. The best I could do was leave him and let him clear his mind. Yes, that’s what I will do….
Once again I went downstairs and to the living room, Hendrix following me the whole time. I was bewildered… “Sorry friend.” I said, putting Hendrix in my arms and sitting on the couch.
I stayed there. Sitting and trying of think in a way to make it up to Matt, falling asleep in the process.
***
The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was Matt’s shape walking towards the kitchen. I rubbed my eyes, yawned and sat up, looking around to recognize the place. Yeah, I definitely slept on the couch. It was not a dream. Damn it. I thought maybe things could be better the next morning, but I couldn’t be more wrong. Matt just kept ignoring me, as if I didn’t even exist, as if I was only a ghost that he tried to ignore.
Scratching my nape, I looked at the carpet and found Hendrix still sleeping. It looked like he was the only one who wasn’t pissed off. Good, at least someone is free from some kind of sadness… I stood up and stretched, yawning again, then I headed to the kitchen and found Matt absorbed, staring at the refrigerator.
He didn’t notice my presence so I kept observing him. Matt was searching for something to eat, I was sure, but he didn’t know what to choose. I folded my arms and couldn’t help but smile at that scene. Even though last night ended not in the best way, I couldn’t be mad at him. I love that guy, and I’m afraid my love for him only grows day by day.
Matt leaned forward, one hand on his hips and the other on his chin, humming whilst thinking what he could eat. He gave it up, shook his head and groaned as he closed the refrigerator door. “Want some help?” I offered in an attempt to make it up to him. He only looked over his shoulder, finally noticing that I was there, before turning his attention to the table.
Sitting on the chair, Matt looked towards the window, tapping his fingers over the wooden table. “Still not talking to me?” I inquired as he said nothing, not even looking at me. “Got it…” I sighed and opened the refrigerator, scanning the interior. “Do you want some corn flakes with milk?” I suggested as I held the milk bottle and pointed to the corn flake package inside the cupboard, visible only because of the glass. Matt only looked to the milk, and from the milk to the package, and once again, he didn’t say anything.
Okay, getting a cold shoulder from my best friend is not the best way to start a day. “Matt, I’m sorry for whatever I said or did. I’m really sorry, but you can’t ignore me forever, okay?” I told him whilst I opened the cupboard and took the corn flakes, disposing both package and bottle in front of him. “I’m here to help you. I’m your friend, not your enemy.” I took a spoon and a bowl, poured flakes and milk into it and pushed it to Matt. He didn’t move a finger towards his bowl. “I thought you were hungry.” I lifted an eyebrow and waited for his answer. Who said he would talk to me? “You don’t want corn flakes? You should at least try, you know? You used to like it, but if you don’t want… There’s no problem, I will cook something else.”
I took a clean pan from the cupboard, a package of maple leaf bacon, sliced bread, spinach, four eggs, gruyere cheese, two cloves of garlic, olive oil, salt and pepper. Once I had all the ingredients to make the breakfast, I stepped closer the kitchen worktop and disposed the materials over it. First of all, I had to preheat the oven, then, I minced up the cloves of garlic, tossing them into the pan with olive oil. I fried the garlic until it turned golden and fragrant and then I threw in the spinach, covering the pan with a lid.
While the spinach was frying, I took another pan and fried a few strips of bacon. I turn my attention back to the spinach, took the lid off and stirred a little bit until everything was cooked. Finally I added a pinch of salt and black pepper, setting it aside. I took my muffin tin and placed four rounds of bread into the bottom of it, added some shredded gruyere, put some spinach down, lined the perimeter of the cups with two stripes of bacon and cracked an egg in the middle of each cup. I couldn’t forget to top them with more cheese, of course, and finally put them in the oven for a few minutes.
During the whole process I could notice Matt observing me. I mean, he looked really curious about what I was cooking for him and didn’t realize I was aware of his stare the whole time. Proud guy… Why can’t he throw in the towel? While I was waiting for the meal get ready, I leaned on the worktop, crossed my arms and sighed when I realized Matt had not touched his corn flakes. “How long will it be until you'll finally decide to talk to me again? Is this some kind of a punishment?” I asked. Matt just started tapping his fingers on the table again, ignoring me.
Damn it, I was sick of his silliness. I mean, was he hurt? Okay, I was able to try and fix it. Well, I could try to fix it only if he let me… First of all, about what exactly was he so mad at me? So many things happened the last night. Was he acting like this because of the… Shower time? Was he ashamed of that? No, it couldn’t be it. I was helping him, he knew it. Why be angry about help? It didn’t make sense. Was because of the piano thing? Maybe he was angry at himself because he wasn’t able to play. Yeah, maybe it was because of that. Well, I couldn’t help him. I would have liked to try, but he wouldn’t talk to me. I wanted to explain that he didn’t need to try anything he didn’t want to. We will have time to this, I was sure.
After a few minutes I realized the breakfast was ready. I took out of the oven the muffin tin and put it over the worktop. Hm, it smelt really good! I disposed the bacon and eggs (I don’t know the name of that recipe; I learnt it from the internet and never knew the name. Who cares? It’s delicious!) on the dish and put it in front of Matt. Again, he even didn’t look at the dish.
“Eat it. I’m sure you will like it.” I offered with a warm smile, trying to comforting him. Silence was all I got from him. “Matt, please! Talk to me! Don’t you think it’s enough?” What was that…? Oh! Silence… “You can’t pretend; I know you’re hungry and you will have to eat something anyway.” I crossed my arms, lifting one eyebrow and waited. He finally looked at me. Those static blue eyes looking into mine, almost constraining.
“I’m not hungry.” It was the only thing he said before his stomach growled. Matt couldn’t help but blush at that, immediately turning his gaze to his fingers.
“Oh, you’re not hungry, are you?” I mocked and shook my head. “Okay, let’s do it your way then. You’re not talking to me? Great! My day couldn’t be better! Thank you. Do whatever you want, I’m tired.” I turned on my heels, snorting whilst on my way to my room. “Fuck!” I huffed when I slammed the door, hitting my head on the door on purpose. “Why he can’t accept my apologies?”
I decided it’d be better if I went out to clear my mind. My attempts to make it up to him were failing miserably and I was getting really bothered. I went to the bathroom, took a shower and dried myself. In a few minutes I was dressed. I took my wallet, my car keys and mobile and went downstairs. When I passed through the kitchen, I saw Matt gulping down the bacon and eggs. The corn flakes bowl was already empty. I couldn’t help but smile when I realized how much he was enjoying the food.
“Oh, Jesus!” He moaned, eyes closed and humming whilst tasting the bacon. Then he realized my presence and became all cold and serious. I sighed.
“I am going to get the groceries. I will be right back.” I told him, facing him again. I already knew he wouldn’t say anything. So why insist, hm? I kept walking to the door, Hendrix the only one to say goodbye to me. Well, not really ‘saying’, you know… He only licked my shoes and sat on the carpet, looking at me. “See you, Hendrix.” I smiled and he wagged his tail.
***
“He is… A bit annoyed, you know?” I told Chris through the phone whilst I was looking for the tomatoes at the supermarket. I found the vegetable section and walked with the trolley towards the tomatoes.
“But why? What did you do?” He asked concerned and I heard a baby crying. “Ernie, my boy! Shush, mom is on her way to home, okay?”
“Are you busy, Chris? I'll talk to you later.” I suggested as I started to choose the best tomatoes. I needed them to make sauce because I was planning to cook some spaghetti again, since Matt liked it.
“No, Dom. We can keep talking.” He hurried to say. “I’m just feeding Ernie.”
“You? Feeding him?” I laughed when I pictured Chris breastfeeding his baby. “So, Kelly is the one who wears the trousers, hu?”
“Ah-ha, you’re so funny, Dom.” Chris pretended to laugh, but I knew he was smiling. “I said feeding, not breastfeeding, you idiot.”
“Oi! Christopher Tony Wolstenholme, did you just swear in front of our baby?!” I imitated Kelly’s voice in a reproaching tone, laughing after that.
“He’s not even one year old. He can't understand what I said. So, you were talking about Matt.”
“Oh, yes…” I kept silent, still picking tomatoes. One of them fell on the floor and I bent down to grab it.
“I’m all ears. Tell me what happened.”
“Well, to be honest, I don’t know exactly why he’s upset… I mean, last night some things happened, but…” Should I tell Chris everything what happened? Every detail? He could misunderstand the shower part… Chris doesn’t know I love Matt. No one knows.
“Things? What do you- Dominic!” Chris increased the volume of his voice and took me by surprise. “What the heck did you do?” He asked in a parental tone, worried.
“W-what are you suggesting, Chris? I did nothing, okay? We just… We just argued…” I almost whispered at the memory of Matt thundering upstairs.
“But why?”
“Well, let’s just say he wasn’t really comfortable…” Enough tomatoes. I went to the pasta section. I was out of pasta.
“I think you’re trying to hurry him up.”
“Why would you say that?” How would Chris know?!
“Oh, please, Dom, I've known you for years. You and Matt…” I heard him sighing. “You know, you two were always so close, always doing the same things together. I know you miss him so bad, you want him to… You want him to act the same way he used to, but you need to understand, Dom. Matt, he…” Chris’ voice was sad, broken… I wondered if he was holding back tears… It was hard for me, too. I felt my eyes getting wet. Fuck. I couldn’t cry in the middle of the supermarket!
I frowned, pinched the bridge of my nose and took a deep breath. “Yes, Chris. I know…” I had even stopped walking; I didn’t remember what I had to do. “I’m still getting used to it…”
“It’s a matter of time now. Be patient, Dom.”
“Yeah, sure.” I shook my head and kept on my way to the pasta section. We didn’t say anything else after that and I could feel my mobile slowly heating my ear. I passed through a few sections; just staring at one of the aisles. Suddenly, that vision brought to me a memory…
***
“Oh, fuck, Matt! Are you crazy?!” Laughing hysterically, I half asked half barked whilst chasing him between the supermarket aisles. That crazy guy was riding a freaking kick scooter in the middle of the freaking supermarket!
“You won’t catch me, moron!” He burst out laughing and almost hit a woman on his way.
“Stop it, Matt! You will end up killing someone!” I tried to say in a worried tone, but I couldn’t help laughing.
***
I couldn’t remember clearly when that happened, probably 2001 or 2002… We were high on mushrooms, you can’t blame me for not remembering that! But there were things I couldn’t ever forget… Matt’s laugh, Matt’s smile, Matt’s shining eyes, Matt’s happiness, Matt’s company. Matt…
Matt…
He always made me smile, made me laugh…
Matt always made me happy.
“Are you okay, Dom?” Chris asked, waking me out of my trance, suddenly feeling too nostalgic to stay there.
“I'm fine. Still feeding Ernie?” I asked in an attempt to change the topic.
“Oh, yeah, yeah.” He coughed. “Listen, Dom. I was wondering, what do you think about us planning something for this weekend?”
“For Matt? I think it would be great!” I concluded.
“Yeah, we could invite Tom, Morgan, Gaia, Kelly and the kids, Paul, Anderson, Glen… You know, a family meal.” He chuckled and I smiled.
“Sure, mate. It would be great. Dinner?”
“Yes, maybe.”
“Nice. I will help cook something.” I offered.
“Thanks, dude.”
“Well, I am already doing the groceries, so I will buy ingredients for the dinner.”
“Okay!” I heard Ernie crying again. “Sorry, Dom. Gotta go…”
“It’s alright, Chris. Talk to you later.”
“Okay, dude. Bye.” He hung up and I put my mobile in my pocket.
***
When I came back home I decided to enter through the kitchen door because it was near the garage and I had a few grocery bags to carry inside. Oh, and of course I didn’t want to disturb Matt. He was mad at me and I was pretty sure he would refuse to help me.
I placed the bags on the table and walked towards the living room, but I stopped in the middle of the way when I heard Matt talking to someone. Who was there? I found myself lurking from the living room doorway. Matt had his back to me, sitting on the carpet and petting Hendrix, who lazed beside him, his head over one Matt’s legs.
That scene took me by surprise. I wouldn’t ever imagine that Matt could be talking to Hendrix! I paid more attention to catch what he was saying. What was the subject? “Can you understand? I think you can’t…” He said, sad. “What are you expecting from me?” Hm? Was he really talking to Hendrix? “I don’t know who I am, I don’t know who you are and it scares me. You have no idea. But the real reason to this make me so scared is because… Despite all my lack of knowledge about you, I still feel that I know you…”
Oh… He’s talking to ME… “I know you told me the truth. I trust you, really. I believe we were best friends, I can feel it’s true. This is what scares me. Last night you…” He kept silent for a moment, looked to Hendrix and realized the dog was already sleeping. “You helped me last night. I thank you very much for that, but then you started talking about the ‘old’ me.” ‘Old’ you? Don’t say that, Matt! You are the same… You may not believe it, but you are the same…
“You said how good I was; you talked about my skills with such happiness in your eyes… Skills that I don’t even know I could have!” Matt kept talking. “But… You need to understand I don’t know anything anymore! I can’t sing, I can’t play the piano or guitar or whatever I used to play. I can’t! And I told you…” He whispered. I could hear the misery in his voice and I frowned, gulped and started to feel guilty.
“Even though, you kept forcing me. You asked me to try to play something, but I knew I was not able to anymore. For God sakes, you couldn’t stop asking me to do that! You pushed me into something I was sure I would spoil!” Suddenly he sounded really irritable. “I wish I could play the piano, I wish I could be the guy I was before! I didn’t want to disappoint you and I don’t even know you!” Disappoint me?! Matthew, you can never let me down! “Can you understand what it means?! You don’t know what it feels like. It wasn’t you who woke up to an unfamiliar world and had to face it without knowing who you were; without knowing any of the people around you who were supposedly your best friends.”
I see… Now I understood what made him so upset… Damn it, I was so eager to teach him about himself only because I wanted him back. I still wanted him back… “Of all the people I met after waking up, you were the only one who I immediately felt I could trust. That was weird. I’ve never ever had seen you before and at the same time I felt like I knew you for a whole lifetime.” Was he telling the truth…? Does he really think it? Jesus… I had no idea…
“Please. Give me more chance…” He turned his gaze to Hendrix. “I will try my best, but you need to accept the fact that I may not be successful…” Okay, Matt. I won’t force you anymore. “Don’t blame me…” He said with a trembling voice and then headed one hand to his face. Was Matt crying?! I would never forgive myself for making him cry!
At that moment I felt the urge to just run to him and hug him; telling him how sorry I was and that I would never do something like that to him again. I was so fucking selfish! I thought everything was okay; I didn’t put myself in his place. Of course he was scared! It was just like he said, he didn’t know me- Well, he didn’t know me yet… And I only bombarded him! I was such a dick head! Fuck, I couldn’t stop blaming myself right now. I screwed everything up! Stupid me! Go kill yourself, Dom!
I thought Matt heard me snorting because he started to look around. I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to see me eavesdropping, so I ran back to the kitchen, opened the back door and closed it again. “I’m back!” I announced, pretending I had just arrived. I wiggled the bags over the wooden table, like I just had placed them there, then I walked back to the living room.
Matt only looked over his shoulders and turned his attention back to Hendrix, but the dog was still sleeping. Matt held him in his arms and stood up. He was on his way to upstairs when I hurried and grabbed his sleeve. He turned to face me, arching both eyebrows. “Wait…” I asked, he stopped and for the first time since we argued, Matt gave me his attention. “I'm Sorry, Matt.” He sighed, shook his head and kept walking. “Where are you going?” I followed him.
“Stop! Don’t follow me!” He shouted, immediately scaring me and waking Hendrix up, starting to wiggle in Matt’s arms. “Shh… I’m sorry…” Matt told Hendrix, stepping away from me.
I just stayed there, agape, one hand on the handrail. Why did he react like that? I thought he had calmed down… I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to give myself some time.
I went to my bedroom and picked my fishing gear. Yes, I was going to fish a bit. I used to do it often when I was mad at something. Most of the time Matt came along with me… Well, this time it was different…
***
There I was, sitting on a rock, waiting for a fish to bite. It was a lake near the road, a forty minute drive from home. I needed to clear my mind; it wasn’t enough only to go shopping. I never thought I would think this, but… I needed time away from Matt…
***
“It’s a pwopah fish! I caught a pwopah fish, Dom!” Matt cried happily whilst rolling in the fishing line. But then the fish slipped and fell on the ground, flailing. Chris, Tom and I burst out laughing. Matt never was a good fisher.
***
His problem pronouncing the 'R' sounds has always intrigued me. Honestly, I found it cute. He used to fumble through the words when speaking too fast, this usually happening when he was nervous or anxious.
It was another detail about him that I loved. I still love it.
I could remember every time we went to a similar place like that, a lake far away from any disturber, only Matt and me. There were times when we didn’t even tell Chris or Tom about our whereabouts. And Chris is right, Matt and I were so close, always doing everything together… And the little details about him just made me love him even more.
We met when we were young and were desperate to create a band. I can split my life in two eras, pre-Matt and with Matt. It may sound funny, but it’s the truth. Before I knew him, my life had nothing really special. I was a regular guy, attending to a regular school, with regular friends. Basically, I had a regular life. I couldn’t complain; it was a good life.
But it got so much better after I met Matt.
Quickly he became my best friend. We went to and from school together, always babbling so much, and rambling nonsense. In front of the others, Matt was visibly shy, didn’t talk too much and most of the people thought he was some kind of a freak, a nerd. But when we were together… Matt would show his true self. Somehow he chose to really open up to me even though we didn’t know each other for so long. It was like we had known each other for a lifetime… Just like Matt said earlier.
Matt always greeted me with his warm smile, with his ocean blue eyes… Eyes that took claim of my heart after only a few years of friendship. At first I thought it was only friendship, because I’ve never had a friend as close as him, but then I realized it was something more. Well, if you give up on a girlfriend to be with your male best friend, I’m pretty sure it’s not only a regular friendship. It was definitely something deeper. I’m not lying. There were times when I was with a girl and couldn’t stop counting the hours until I would see Matt again.
There were so many things to talk about us… I wish Matt could listen to my thoughts and know how important he is to me; how much I care about him. Actually, I will tell him everything, but I need to be patient. I didn’t want to scare him again… I will have enough time to talk to him after we will make up.
My thoughts were disturbed by my phone buzzing. I didn’t feel like answering that call, so I ignored it, but the phone kept buzzing like hell. “Damn it, I’m sure it’s Tom!” I muttered but I turned to stone when I read the name on the display of my iPhone 3G. ‘Matt - home’ was all that was written. “Matt?!” I asked when I answered the call, but I heard nothing from the other side. “Matt, are you okay?” I was both worried and surprised at the same time. Was he in trouble? How could he remember my number? His phone was not even with him right now, so there was no way for Matt look through the number list!
He hung up.
Oh, fuck! I couldn’t stay there anymore! I needed to know what happened to Matt and why he called me! I drove back home; almost crashing my car on the way. I had enough car accidents for a lifetime, but I had to get home as fast as I could! Only God knows what was happening to Matt.
When I finally arrived, I hurried to the front door and opened. “Matt! Matthew! Are you okay?” He didn’t answer me. Geez, I got more worried! “Where are you?! Talk to me!” I called around the house concerned. My heart was beating so fast that I thought it would burst out of my chest.
I ran to the kitchen. He was not there.
“Matthew!”
I ran upstairs, to his room. I opened the door in a sudden swing and found him sitting on his bed. “Thank God, I found you!” I stepped closer to him, but he only looked at me confused.
“What do you want?” He asked, in a stern tone.
“What do I want?” I lifted an eyebrow and repeated his question. “What do you think I want? You called me!” He kept silent. “What happened? Why did you call me if you didn’t want to talk to me? Why are you still twisting my brain like this?!” Nothing from him. “What do you want me to do?! I already know what is upsetting you, I heard you talking to Hendrix when I came back home earlier.”
Matt widened his eyes and stuttered. “D-did you listen to that?!”
“Oh, now you’re talking, hm?!” I mocked. Stop, Dom. You’re not helping. “Yes, Matt. I listened to that and I thought we could sit and talk about it. I want to settle things, but no! You won't talk to me! You’re still ignoring me!” I shook my hands in the air, gesticulating whilst arguing. Fuck, Dom. Stop it NOW! “Why can’t we just chat? Stop ignoring me! It hurts, you know? And to be honest, I tried my best to give you enough time to think about your silliness. I’m sick of it, Matt!” I sighed and left Matt scared, agape in his bedroom.
Oh, Dom. You are so wrong. So fucking wrong!
I slammed the door of my bedroom for the second time that day and then I locked it. I kicked off my shoes and threw myself on my bed. I didn’t even know what time it was. I didn’t give a fuck too. The last thing I remember before falling asleep was my eyes tearing.
***
I had a dream. It was a good dream. I almost could feel the warmth in the dream. A sweet melody reaching my ears, echoing through the whole house…
In my dream I stood up from my bed and followed the sound. It came from the music room. I went downstairs, still feeling dozy, my head felt like it was in the clouds and as I got nearer to the music room, I heard the music getting louder, filling my ears and surprising me with such wonder.
I stayed in the doorway, looking inside the room and realizing it was sunset. The last of the sunshine was inundating the place with a warm tone, sepia. The piano was in the middle of the room and Matt was there, playing it. He was playing in my dream. He was able to do it again.
The song was a composition created by him. He had been working on it for years now and he had almost finished it, but… You know, the accident happened. I remember he said the song would be called ‘Redemption’. Actually it was a long composition but split into three shorter songs, ‘Overture’, ‘Cross-Pollination’ and finally ‘Redemption’. The whole thing was named ‘Exogenesis Symphony’, Matt’s ultimate masterpiece.
The dream was so real… I was almost beginning to think it was not a dream… I could feel the cold floor under my feet, I could feel the warmth of the room, my ears were hearing a song, and the song was so real…
Was I dreaming…?
Were my eyes tricking me? The vision of Matt’s fingers pressing and running over the keys was so real… Just the way they used to move.
Were my ears tricking me? The sound was exactly the same as to when he had played it to me in the studio… Exactly the same…
Was my body tricking me? The heat of the tears in my eyes was so vivid…
I wasn’t dreaming; it was real…
And then Matt played a bit he never had played before and ended the movement of his fingers on the ivory keys, leaving them there to rest. Did he just complete his composition…? But how?! When he finished playing he lifted his head and finally realized I was there. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. Actually I wanted to hug him and tell him how glad I was, but I was afraid he would still ignore me. Why keep doing it? I told him it hurts…
I felt my heart beating so fast and at the same time I felt pain. I felt the words stick in my throat. I felt the world stop spinning. “Dominic…” I heard his voice calling me. Now I was confused… Was he talking to me? If so, I’m dreaming… “Oh, God! Why are you crying?” He stood up and ran towards me, a worried look in his eyes.
Crying…? I am not crying, am I?
“I’m sorry!” Matt hurried to say. “I didn’t mean to make you cry! I was confused- I’m still confused! I-I don’t…” He spoke hastily and I couldn’t help but hug Matt, burying my face between his shoulder and neck. He was right, I was crying, I could now feel the tears streaming down my face. I heard Matt sighing when I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him tightly, like it was the last time, like I would never see him anymore… “D-Dominic…” He stuttered as he hugged me back.
Matt hugged me back…
I thought he was mad at me…
“Forgive me, Matt! I was so wrong! I forced you, I didn’t mean to make you feel annoyed or anything! But I made mistakes, I know. Please, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” I said everything at once, laboured breathing; I wanted to let him know I was sorry. I think I have already used this word way too much…
“It’s okay…” He whispered, his long fingers running over my back, caressing me. “We were both wrong.”
“Maybe…” I felt my breathing returning to normal, but I stayed there, hugged to Matt. He didn’t complain, so I thought it was okay. We were going to talk and settle everything down. Everything was going to be alright.
Matt was there.
***