10. Private - nobodyhadbetterreadthiseverstyleunhackable
I won't pretend it isn't difficult sometimes. There's a lot of pressure on me, as a captain, to perform the duties that are expected from me; to hold together my Division even in the hardest of times. It's a Division that Ichimaru has torn apart, and despite all of our hard work it seems that it falls apart a little more all the time.
The Fifth seems to be recovering, despite once being captained by the worst traitor of them all. Abarai really is a force to be reckoned with on that front -- he's a real source of strength for his Division. Perhaps if I was a little more like him... No, but that's ridiculous. The Third doesn't need me to be Abarai; they just need...
Will I always be the man that betrayed his friends to defend his traitor captain? Do my friends, even, see me as weak for not standing up to him? Perhaps it's easier for them than it ever was for me -- yes, Ichimaru was frightening, but he was my captain, not theirs. Even if I was devoted to him in an entirely different way than Hinamori was to Aizen, the fact remains that no more than three years ago I would defend that man against my friends. I followed him blindly no matter what, simply because - for a few moments - I could be the centre of his attention. He saved my life. I feel like I've followed him around ever since.
Having that illusion shattered was harder than I can ever admit. It's still hard, especially when I recall the man I once was. Things that had once made sense about myself no longer existed -- they had all been fabricated by Ichimaru's lies. Every time I remembered smiling, I remembered him; an order, persimmons every harvest, fetching tea like a maid rather than a fukutaichou, getting myself tangled up in cat's cradle. He made me smile; of course he did. It was like basking in the rays of the sun.
Putting on his haori every morning... It's taken me months to really convince myself that I am not him - that I am not a construct of lies - and it should have been sooner.
I focused on my work to keep the world out; focused on becoming a Shinigami that wouldn't need to be saved ever again; one that could make his own decisions, combat lies, and protect his friends. When did I forget that, along the way? When did I last smile as anything more than charity?
It's a beautiful winter morning. I've made a resolution. Smile more, Kira Izuru, for yourself. With things as they are I might die any day, and perhaps I can say that I took a page out of Abarai's book, in that case. It might even work, and if it doesn't, at least I'll have left around a few smiles to be remembered by. This entry is in case you forget.
The Fifth seems to be recovering, despite once being captained by the worst traitor of them all. Abarai really is a force to be reckoned with on that front -- he's a real source of strength for his Division. Perhaps if I was a little more like him... No, but that's ridiculous. The Third doesn't need me to be Abarai; they just need...
Will I always be the man that betrayed his friends to defend his traitor captain? Do my friends, even, see me as weak for not standing up to him? Perhaps it's easier for them than it ever was for me -- yes, Ichimaru was frightening, but he was my captain, not theirs. Even if I was devoted to him in an entirely different way than Hinamori was to Aizen, the fact remains that no more than three years ago I would defend that man against my friends. I followed him blindly no matter what, simply because - for a few moments - I could be the centre of his attention. He saved my life. I feel like I've followed him around ever since.
Having that illusion shattered was harder than I can ever admit. It's still hard, especially when I recall the man I once was. Things that had once made sense about myself no longer existed -- they had all been fabricated by Ichimaru's lies. Every time I remembered smiling, I remembered him; an order, persimmons every harvest, fetching tea like a maid rather than a fukutaichou, getting myself tangled up in cat's cradle. He made me smile; of course he did. It was like basking in the rays of the sun.
Putting on his haori every morning... It's taken me months to really convince myself that I am not him - that I am not a construct of lies - and it should have been sooner.
I focused on my work to keep the world out; focused on becoming a Shinigami that wouldn't need to be saved ever again; one that could make his own decisions, combat lies, and protect his friends. When did I forget that, along the way? When did I last smile as anything more than charity?
It's a beautiful winter morning. I've made a resolution. Smile more, Kira Izuru, for yourself. With things as they are I might die any day, and perhaps I can say that I took a page out of Abarai's book, in that case. It might even work, and if it doesn't, at least I'll have left around a few smiles to be remembered by. This entry is in case you forget.