Memory
Title: Memory
Warnings: slash, mentions of past abuse, allusions to non-con
Disclaimer: I own hardly a thing, but most especially not any kind of franchise.
Summary: The entire crew is forced to relive their worst memory or nightmare. Jim tries to play it off, but was clearly affected the worst of everyone.
It began differently for each crew member. Many were asleep, as this was the ships version of nighttime. Some were on shift, and in the middle of performing some duty. Others were in bed with someone, reading, perhaps drinking. It began differently for many, but the result was the same. Each of them was forced to live through something beyond horrible during the same period of time. In one split second people went from calm to quaking, crying, screaming, whimpering...
And at the same time they all woke up.
Beyond shaken, none felt capable of returning to their duty, to their game, their lover, or their rest. Those who had been sleeping alone simply tried to calm themselves from what seemed to be the worst nightmare or flashback of their life. Those in the company of others realized quickly that this mass hysteria was not normal. The entire crew was summoned to gather in the mess hall in stages, so that the medical staff, also shaken up, could look them over. Physically they were all fine, mentally a bit traumatized, and they were all ordered to seek comfort as soon as possible. When the chronometer read morning they were encouraged to meet with Doctor McCoy for a counseling session.
Kirk, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, Bones, Spock, and Scotty all gathered on the bridge, the place where they felt safe and in control, to collect themselves. Each member looked upset, some with tear tracks down their cheeks, others still trembling. The Captain in particular was looking worse for the wear, his hands shaking, his shoulders tense, his pupils dilated. He flinched when Bones came near him, and shrugged apologetically at the startled look he received.
“Maybe we should talk about it?” Sulu suggested. “Ya know, purge all that crap so we can move on.”
Bones looked up at him, and clearly not overjoyed at the thought of sharing feelings, shrugged. “Well, talking about it might help with the healing process. Keeping stress bottled up is never healthy.”
“While unappealing in its implementation, the process of discussing the negative experience we each have undergone might be logical, since it has been known to help humans cope with traumatic incidents.” Spock chimed in, sounding as calm as ever, if not a little tense. The other’s looked a little green at the thought of sharing their experience, but nodded in acquiescence. Bones nodded to Uhura who was to the left of himself, indicating that she should begin. She took a shaky breath.
“Well, I was sitting here, on the bridge, and we were being hailed by the Narada.” She nodded towards Kirk and Spock. “You two were aboard their ship, and they had captured you. Kirk, you were unconscious on the floor, and Nero had you, Spock, being held by several Romulans. You looked almost dead, and there was blood all over you. Nero kept saying something to us in Romulan, only...I couldn’t understand him. I had forgotten the language, all the dialects. I opened my mouth to try any other language, but I had forgotten how to speak them all, even Standard. Nobody else on the bridge knew what Nero was saying either, and they were all staring at me, expecting me to do something, only there was nothing I could do! Nero went over to Spock, and with a large knife, he slit his throat. I watched you die...” Tears began to spill down her cheeks, as she looked over at her lover, and took a deep breath to calm herself. “Then everyone got up, and ran towards the windows. I joined them, and we could see Earth from where we were, only...Earth was imploding. In a matter of seconds it was gone. That’s when I came to.” She wiped her face off quickly, and shook her head, chuckling, haunted. “Guess that’s quite a few of my fears really.”
She looked over to Sulu, clearly wanting him to take the spotlight. Sulu began to describe the fall from the drill that Kirk and he had taken, only in this version of it, Kirk had not been able to grab onto him as they plummeted, nor was Chekov able to lock onto their locations, and they both fell to their deaths. Apparently it was agonizing, rather than quick.
Chekov told them about going back to Russia on shore leave, only to find that the city he had grown up in had been destroyed. His parents were dead, his house burnt down. Everyone he had ever known was gone. Devastated, he returned to Starfleet, only to find that the Enterprise had left without him. When he asked why, Starfleet offered no explanations other than that his service was no longer needed. He was asked to leave, and that was when he came to.
Scotty described the vividness of his vision of the Enterprise being destroyed. Everything in it stopped functioning, and nothing he did in attempt to fix it seemed to work. He was unable to teleport anybody off the ship either, because that was not working, nor were the shuttles, and everyone on the ship knew that it was his fault they were about to die.
The next turn was Spock’s. His visage told nothing of turmoil, but when he opened his mouth to speak, he seemed unable. Finally, he was able to say “I relived my mother dying, and watching Vulcan implode.” He promptly closed his mouth, not wishing to give any more detail.
Kirk, however, was much more open about giving his answers.
“Oh, well, I was back at the academy, and every person I met seemed to think I was hideous, and nobody would sleep with me.” He took a dramatic breath, and continued. “It was horrible.”
Scotty shuddered in understanding, while Sulu and Chekov looked at him with what was clearly reluctant sympathy. Spock’s face showed nothing, though his eyebrow quirked up. Uhura rolled her eyes, and glanced pointedly at Bones, wanting him to save them from Kirks idiocy. Bones looked at Jim with his head tilted, like he was looking at his tricorder, and not loving the results it was reading. He shook his head, and glanced around the rest of the group.
“Well,” he cleared his throat, “I saw my little girl dying. I saw that she was dying, and I knew what was wrong with her, and exactly how I could fix her, but I wasn’t able to get near her, and I just had to watch her lay there in hideous pain, and then I had to watch her die.” He shut his eyes, as if the image still played out before him, and cleared his throat again. The crew looked at him in horror, and clucked sympathetically. Jim reached out a hand, and put it reassuringly on Bones’ shoulder. Bones patted the Captains hand in thanks, and stood up. “Well, I think we should just about wrap this up. This was good. I think it helped, and hopefully tomorrow y’all will be feeling better. Good night.”
The crew all shifted, and after a few pats on the shoulders of their friends, some hugs, and some mutterings of compassion, those on duty turned their attention as fully back to their tasks as they were able. The others stood to head off to their respective quarters.
“Jim, can I have a word?” Bones asked, as they stepped into the turbo lift.
“Sure,” Jim replied, “Where to?” Bones indicated for the turbo lift to take them to Jim’s level, and they walked to his quarters quietly. Once they were inside, Bones’ wrapped his arms around Kirk, and hugged him tightly.
“I didn’t mention part of what I saw” Bones’ said, pulling back and looking into Kirk’s face. “You were there too. You were also dying, next to Joanna, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do...the two people in the world I cared most about, and....oh god, I don’t know what I’d...” He broke off, and turned away, embarrassed. Jim reached out and wrapped his arms around Bones back and sides.
“Shhh...It’s okay Bones’...I’m here. I’m fine, and Joanna’s down on Earth, and she’s fine. And if something were to happen to either of us, you would do everything in your power to get to us and save us.” He continued murmuring reassurances into Bones’ ear, and holding him tightly. Bones’ pulled away, and turned to face Jim.
“I would do everything in my power to help you, but I’m a doctor, Jim, not a God. I know that, and as much as I hate it, I need to accept it.” He walked toward the bed, and sat down to pull off his shoes. “But Jim, you need to be honest too. I know that people not wanting to shag you back at the academy was not your biggest fear. You play the ignorant, shallow, rebel without a cause role quite well, but you can’t fool me with that crap.” He looked up at Jim who was still standing a few feet away. Jim sighed.
“Yeah, well, that talking about it shit doesn’t work anyway, so what’s the point in a big group pity fest?” He shrugged, and then he laughed, looking at Bones.
“Anyway, not being able to have any sex is definitely something that would traumatize me, were it to ever happen.” Bones looked steadily up at his face, clearly not amused, Jim sighed again. He kicked his shoes off, and pulled off his outer shirt, not bother to remove his trousers or black undershirt before flopping down on the bed next to Bones. He let his head lean back on the wall behind them. Bones leaned back into the same position as Kirk, and looked over expectantly.
“Goddamit, I don’t want to talk about that crap! Can’t we just go to sleep or fool around or something?” Jim asked, eyes hopeful as they shot a glance at his lover.
“No.” was his reply, given quietly, and seriously.
“Fuck, it was nothing!” Jim expostulated, staring down at his hands. “I was back on Tarsus IV...” Bones’ head snapped sharply towards Jim, as he drew in his breath harshly.
“You were on Tarsus? You musta been just a kid when that hell happened” He said, trying to read Jim’s expression.
“I was thirteen.” Jim said quietly, “I was sent to live there with my Aunt and Uncle. My mom was never around anyway, and Sam had run away, and after I totaled my dads car, Frank was unhappy to say the least...So Tarsus seemed like a good idea at the time. I’m pretty sure my mom regretted that decision a lot.” He chuckled without humor, and glanced at Bones’ face, before turning away. “So tonight I saw it all again...the whole damn genocide, the bodies everywhere...god, all those kids that I knew, starving to death, crying, scared. I felt the hunger again, and...I remembered these guys... They saw that I was starving, and they had food. They offered me some if I promised to be good, and go along with everything they told me. I was scared, and they were big guys, so, I dunno, I guess I thought I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t even fight back, because I thought if I did they wouldn’t give me the food, and I knew that other kids would die if they didn’t eat soon, and I couldn’t risk not getting it. So I let them do what they wanted with me, and I was able to bring food back that day. Of course, those guys remembered me, and how I didn’t fight at all, and the next time they saw me, they didn’t even ask, but I think they wanted me to fight a little, cause they wailed on me pretty bad, and they let some friends join in when they...” He broke off, dazed, staring up at the ceiling, willing himself to stop trembling.
“Jesus, Jim.” Bones said, reaching out and grabbing Jim’s shaking hand to still it. “That shit wasn’t your fault. You were a kid, and even if you hadn’t been so young, you were trying to survive. Those fucking evil pricks were taking advantage of that fact. You know that right?” Jim snorted, looking over at his friend.
“Of course I know that. I know it wasn’t my fault. Those assholes wanted me to fight! That’s what they got off on. I did what I had to do, and a few kids probably managed to survive because of it. I’m okay with what happened, I mean...I’m not okay with it, but...I’m not suffering because of it you know? It happened, it fucked me up probably, but I’ve clearly overcome whatever hang-ups it may have left me with. I just never thought...” He stopped rambling, looking at Bones’, willing him with his eyes to understand.
“You never thought what?” Bones pressed.
“I never thought I’d have to go through it again.” He pulled his hands up to his face, as a shudder went through his shoulders, and scrubbed at it, as though that would stop the tears pricking his eyes from falling any more readily. Bones put his arm around Jim and pulled him close.
“Shhh, Jim, it’s okay. You’re okay now.” He whispered into Jim’s ears, holding onto him tightly as Jim’s shoulders began to shake. “It amazes me how strong you are, Jim. You constantly amaze me. Everyone else but Spock went through imaginary scenarios that were schemed up in some nightmare part of their mind, and after living through it tonight in their visions, they were so shaken up, they could hardly cope. But you, you’ve already lived through so many things more horrible than any of us were able to imagine. And yet, here you are, Captain of the Enterprise, with a crew that loves you, and respects you, and you keep it together day in and day out.” Jim’s shuddering tears began to dissipate, though he kept his head tucked against his lover’s chest.
“You really think all that?” Jim asked in an unsteady voice.
“Jim, I love you, and I need you to know how deserving you are of the love and loyalty people feel towards you.” Bones looked down at Kirk, who had his eyes closed. “Do you, Jim? Do you know?” Jim closed his eyes, and drew in a steady breath, the lines in his face smoothing out.
“Yeah Bones,” He said sleepily, “I know."
Warnings: slash, mentions of past abuse, allusions to non-con
Disclaimer: I own hardly a thing, but most especially not any kind of franchise.
Summary: The entire crew is forced to relive their worst memory or nightmare. Jim tries to play it off, but was clearly affected the worst of everyone.
It began differently for each crew member. Many were asleep, as this was the ships version of nighttime. Some were on shift, and in the middle of performing some duty. Others were in bed with someone, reading, perhaps drinking. It began differently for many, but the result was the same. Each of them was forced to live through something beyond horrible during the same period of time. In one split second people went from calm to quaking, crying, screaming, whimpering...
And at the same time they all woke up.
Beyond shaken, none felt capable of returning to their duty, to their game, their lover, or their rest. Those who had been sleeping alone simply tried to calm themselves from what seemed to be the worst nightmare or flashback of their life. Those in the company of others realized quickly that this mass hysteria was not normal. The entire crew was summoned to gather in the mess hall in stages, so that the medical staff, also shaken up, could look them over. Physically they were all fine, mentally a bit traumatized, and they were all ordered to seek comfort as soon as possible. When the chronometer read morning they were encouraged to meet with Doctor McCoy for a counseling session.
Kirk, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, Bones, Spock, and Scotty all gathered on the bridge, the place where they felt safe and in control, to collect themselves. Each member looked upset, some with tear tracks down their cheeks, others still trembling. The Captain in particular was looking worse for the wear, his hands shaking, his shoulders tense, his pupils dilated. He flinched when Bones came near him, and shrugged apologetically at the startled look he received.
“Maybe we should talk about it?” Sulu suggested. “Ya know, purge all that crap so we can move on.”
Bones looked up at him, and clearly not overjoyed at the thought of sharing feelings, shrugged. “Well, talking about it might help with the healing process. Keeping stress bottled up is never healthy.”
“While unappealing in its implementation, the process of discussing the negative experience we each have undergone might be logical, since it has been known to help humans cope with traumatic incidents.” Spock chimed in, sounding as calm as ever, if not a little tense. The other’s looked a little green at the thought of sharing their experience, but nodded in acquiescence. Bones nodded to Uhura who was to the left of himself, indicating that she should begin. She took a shaky breath.
“Well, I was sitting here, on the bridge, and we were being hailed by the Narada.” She nodded towards Kirk and Spock. “You two were aboard their ship, and they had captured you. Kirk, you were unconscious on the floor, and Nero had you, Spock, being held by several Romulans. You looked almost dead, and there was blood all over you. Nero kept saying something to us in Romulan, only...I couldn’t understand him. I had forgotten the language, all the dialects. I opened my mouth to try any other language, but I had forgotten how to speak them all, even Standard. Nobody else on the bridge knew what Nero was saying either, and they were all staring at me, expecting me to do something, only there was nothing I could do! Nero went over to Spock, and with a large knife, he slit his throat. I watched you die...” Tears began to spill down her cheeks, as she looked over at her lover, and took a deep breath to calm herself. “Then everyone got up, and ran towards the windows. I joined them, and we could see Earth from where we were, only...Earth was imploding. In a matter of seconds it was gone. That’s when I came to.” She wiped her face off quickly, and shook her head, chuckling, haunted. “Guess that’s quite a few of my fears really.”
She looked over to Sulu, clearly wanting him to take the spotlight. Sulu began to describe the fall from the drill that Kirk and he had taken, only in this version of it, Kirk had not been able to grab onto him as they plummeted, nor was Chekov able to lock onto their locations, and they both fell to their deaths. Apparently it was agonizing, rather than quick.
Chekov told them about going back to Russia on shore leave, only to find that the city he had grown up in had been destroyed. His parents were dead, his house burnt down. Everyone he had ever known was gone. Devastated, he returned to Starfleet, only to find that the Enterprise had left without him. When he asked why, Starfleet offered no explanations other than that his service was no longer needed. He was asked to leave, and that was when he came to.
Scotty described the vividness of his vision of the Enterprise being destroyed. Everything in it stopped functioning, and nothing he did in attempt to fix it seemed to work. He was unable to teleport anybody off the ship either, because that was not working, nor were the shuttles, and everyone on the ship knew that it was his fault they were about to die.
The next turn was Spock’s. His visage told nothing of turmoil, but when he opened his mouth to speak, he seemed unable. Finally, he was able to say “I relived my mother dying, and watching Vulcan implode.” He promptly closed his mouth, not wishing to give any more detail.
Kirk, however, was much more open about giving his answers.
“Oh, well, I was back at the academy, and every person I met seemed to think I was hideous, and nobody would sleep with me.” He took a dramatic breath, and continued. “It was horrible.”
Scotty shuddered in understanding, while Sulu and Chekov looked at him with what was clearly reluctant sympathy. Spock’s face showed nothing, though his eyebrow quirked up. Uhura rolled her eyes, and glanced pointedly at Bones, wanting him to save them from Kirks idiocy. Bones looked at Jim with his head tilted, like he was looking at his tricorder, and not loving the results it was reading. He shook his head, and glanced around the rest of the group.
“Well,” he cleared his throat, “I saw my little girl dying. I saw that she was dying, and I knew what was wrong with her, and exactly how I could fix her, but I wasn’t able to get near her, and I just had to watch her lay there in hideous pain, and then I had to watch her die.” He shut his eyes, as if the image still played out before him, and cleared his throat again. The crew looked at him in horror, and clucked sympathetically. Jim reached out a hand, and put it reassuringly on Bones’ shoulder. Bones patted the Captains hand in thanks, and stood up. “Well, I think we should just about wrap this up. This was good. I think it helped, and hopefully tomorrow y’all will be feeling better. Good night.”
The crew all shifted, and after a few pats on the shoulders of their friends, some hugs, and some mutterings of compassion, those on duty turned their attention as fully back to their tasks as they were able. The others stood to head off to their respective quarters.
“Jim, can I have a word?” Bones asked, as they stepped into the turbo lift.
“Sure,” Jim replied, “Where to?” Bones indicated for the turbo lift to take them to Jim’s level, and they walked to his quarters quietly. Once they were inside, Bones’ wrapped his arms around Kirk, and hugged him tightly.
“I didn’t mention part of what I saw” Bones’ said, pulling back and looking into Kirk’s face. “You were there too. You were also dying, next to Joanna, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do...the two people in the world I cared most about, and....oh god, I don’t know what I’d...” He broke off, and turned away, embarrassed. Jim reached out and wrapped his arms around Bones back and sides.
“Shhh...It’s okay Bones’...I’m here. I’m fine, and Joanna’s down on Earth, and she’s fine. And if something were to happen to either of us, you would do everything in your power to get to us and save us.” He continued murmuring reassurances into Bones’ ear, and holding him tightly. Bones’ pulled away, and turned to face Jim.
“I would do everything in my power to help you, but I’m a doctor, Jim, not a God. I know that, and as much as I hate it, I need to accept it.” He walked toward the bed, and sat down to pull off his shoes. “But Jim, you need to be honest too. I know that people not wanting to shag you back at the academy was not your biggest fear. You play the ignorant, shallow, rebel without a cause role quite well, but you can’t fool me with that crap.” He looked up at Jim who was still standing a few feet away. Jim sighed.
“Yeah, well, that talking about it shit doesn’t work anyway, so what’s the point in a big group pity fest?” He shrugged, and then he laughed, looking at Bones.
“Anyway, not being able to have any sex is definitely something that would traumatize me, were it to ever happen.” Bones looked steadily up at his face, clearly not amused, Jim sighed again. He kicked his shoes off, and pulled off his outer shirt, not bother to remove his trousers or black undershirt before flopping down on the bed next to Bones. He let his head lean back on the wall behind them. Bones leaned back into the same position as Kirk, and looked over expectantly.
“Goddamit, I don’t want to talk about that crap! Can’t we just go to sleep or fool around or something?” Jim asked, eyes hopeful as they shot a glance at his lover.
“No.” was his reply, given quietly, and seriously.
“Fuck, it was nothing!” Jim expostulated, staring down at his hands. “I was back on Tarsus IV...” Bones’ head snapped sharply towards Jim, as he drew in his breath harshly.
“You were on Tarsus? You musta been just a kid when that hell happened” He said, trying to read Jim’s expression.
“I was thirteen.” Jim said quietly, “I was sent to live there with my Aunt and Uncle. My mom was never around anyway, and Sam had run away, and after I totaled my dads car, Frank was unhappy to say the least...So Tarsus seemed like a good idea at the time. I’m pretty sure my mom regretted that decision a lot.” He chuckled without humor, and glanced at Bones’ face, before turning away. “So tonight I saw it all again...the whole damn genocide, the bodies everywhere...god, all those kids that I knew, starving to death, crying, scared. I felt the hunger again, and...I remembered these guys... They saw that I was starving, and they had food. They offered me some if I promised to be good, and go along with everything they told me. I was scared, and they were big guys, so, I dunno, I guess I thought I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t even fight back, because I thought if I did they wouldn’t give me the food, and I knew that other kids would die if they didn’t eat soon, and I couldn’t risk not getting it. So I let them do what they wanted with me, and I was able to bring food back that day. Of course, those guys remembered me, and how I didn’t fight at all, and the next time they saw me, they didn’t even ask, but I think they wanted me to fight a little, cause they wailed on me pretty bad, and they let some friends join in when they...” He broke off, dazed, staring up at the ceiling, willing himself to stop trembling.
“Jesus, Jim.” Bones said, reaching out and grabbing Jim’s shaking hand to still it. “That shit wasn’t your fault. You were a kid, and even if you hadn’t been so young, you were trying to survive. Those fucking evil pricks were taking advantage of that fact. You know that right?” Jim snorted, looking over at his friend.
“Of course I know that. I know it wasn’t my fault. Those assholes wanted me to fight! That’s what they got off on. I did what I had to do, and a few kids probably managed to survive because of it. I’m okay with what happened, I mean...I’m not okay with it, but...I’m not suffering because of it you know? It happened, it fucked me up probably, but I’ve clearly overcome whatever hang-ups it may have left me with. I just never thought...” He stopped rambling, looking at Bones’, willing him with his eyes to understand.
“You never thought what?” Bones pressed.
“I never thought I’d have to go through it again.” He pulled his hands up to his face, as a shudder went through his shoulders, and scrubbed at it, as though that would stop the tears pricking his eyes from falling any more readily. Bones put his arm around Jim and pulled him close.
“Shhh, Jim, it’s okay. You’re okay now.” He whispered into Jim’s ears, holding onto him tightly as Jim’s shoulders began to shake. “It amazes me how strong you are, Jim. You constantly amaze me. Everyone else but Spock went through imaginary scenarios that were schemed up in some nightmare part of their mind, and after living through it tonight in their visions, they were so shaken up, they could hardly cope. But you, you’ve already lived through so many things more horrible than any of us were able to imagine. And yet, here you are, Captain of the Enterprise, with a crew that loves you, and respects you, and you keep it together day in and day out.” Jim’s shuddering tears began to dissipate, though he kept his head tucked against his lover’s chest.
“You really think all that?” Jim asked in an unsteady voice.
“Jim, I love you, and I need you to know how deserving you are of the love and loyalty people feel towards you.” Bones looked down at Kirk, who had his eyes closed. “Do you, Jim? Do you know?” Jim closed his eyes, and drew in a steady breath, the lines in his face smoothing out.
“Yeah Bones,” He said sleepily, “I know."