untitled kaisoo
written this today because i was feeling very low. my writing is rusty, unbetaed.
rach said i should post this so here it is.
I'm leaving you today, Soo. He says.
Kyungsoo nods, not even looking at him, his hand leafing through the pages of the draft he is revising when Jongin had announced the news.
Stay safe, he replies.
I will. Carrying his bag over his back, Jongin twists the doorknob. I'll leave the keys under the mat.
Thanks, Kyungsoo replies. The only sound that answers was the twist if the knob and the light push of the door. Kyungsoo goes back to the sheaf of papers, adjusting his glasses in the meantime. Jongin has always been considerate.
A relationship without love is not worth saving, Kyungsoo tells his closest friend Baekhyun over the phone, later that day.
But he loves you!
You don't understand. Kyungsoo wished it was that simple as the pen nib breaking under his press on the paper.
******
It no one's fault, really. Kyungsoo would love to dramatize how their relationship fell apart, but there really was nothing. He was perfectly faithful to Jongin; Jongin was sweet and devoted. Time just dampened that affection, slowly nibbling away at that blanket of love. Jongin and Kyungsoo are bought together by a physical attraction; out of it, they are different. Jongin is a dancer. Moving his limbs to music in his ears, fluidity like ripples in the water. Kyungsoo writes. Pours his mind in books. In words. And somewhere along the line, they stop trying to gap that difference.
Opposites attract, yes, but what's next to it?
Kyungsoo stopped trying the moment Jongin had a grand dance recital and despite having time to make it, he decided to stay home and focus on his next novel, deciding to not show up last minute. Jongin was disappointed, but Kyungsoo could not care.
Why, Soo? Jongin asks. Am I not important to you?
Kyungsoo does not know the answer. Jongin's eyes soften at him, curves in a smile and he presses the other close in an embrace.
******
Jongin leaves, and the next day, Kyungsoo wakes up alone in a bed for two. Unconsciously, he makes breakfast for two and sits alone, eating his omelet as he stares at the other plate, eyeing it.
You always makes the best omelet, imaginary Jongin beams at him as he licks the fork clean, reaching to drink his milk.
Kyungsoo wonders why the memory hurts so much, when he had thought himself out of love. He eats two bites of the omelet and retreats to the couch, curls himself into a ball.
He leaves his draft untouched.
I miss him, Kyungsoo mutters.
You idiot, Baekhyun cries.
He took everything and left. He won't come back.
Why don't you try to get him back?
Kyungsoo does not answer.Day two, Kyungsoo lies in bed, not wanting to get up. He looks at the ceiling and thinks of tanned skin and warm hands and plump lips and how it presses against his cheek, his lips, his neck, his chest.... Kyungsoo masturbates in the bed, and the feeling of his own hand is unsatisfactory.
You need to call Jongin back, Baekhyun sighs as Chanyeol growls in the background, their moment probably interrupted. You're ruining yourself.
Kyungsoo feels tears in his eyes, holds them in. I don't know how.
Do you want me to call Jongin for you? Baekhyun asks.
Kyungsoo ends the conversation. He's not a baby.
******
Day three, and two knocks comes to his door, a pause before it repeats.
You have mail, the postman smiles simply, almost pitifully as he hands Kyungsoo a box.
It was always Jongin who receives the mail.
Kyungsoo sits alone on the sofa, hands shivering as he opens the yellow package, recognizing Jongin's writing on the recipient address.
Happy anniversary, it read. It is a sweater. Kyungsoo remembers that it is two days shy of their anniversary, or what it would have been if Jongin had not left. He probably bought this ahead of time to send to Kyungsoo, typical Jongin. Its going to be winter soon and you get cold easily so remember to wear this often!
Kyungsoo presses the sweater to himself and sniffs deeply. His tears fall unbidden, and he dials the first number he can think of.
Hello?
Jongin, I miss you. He sobs. Can you come home?
Sorry, but I think you got the wrong number, this is Jongdae, the other voice is slightly high pitched, not deep like Jongin. But if you miss him, you should not let him go away from you that easily.
Kyungsoo realizes he dial a number wrong, but he has run out of courage. After a few minutes on the phone with Jongdae (you're really oblivious you know, this Jongin must love you really much if you can miss his milestone career performance and he still forgives you) Kyungsoo accepts he is the asshole in this relationship. That he may be the reason Jongin left. He hugs the sweater to sleep.
******
Hello? Kyungsoo croaks as he listens to Baekhyun on the line.
Are you okay Soo? You're like a wreck. Baekhyun sounds concerned.
I miss him. Kyungsoo sniffs. It is day four of Jongin's departure, and it feels like forever. He sits upright on the couch, hugging the sweater. He had not touched the bed since that second day Jongin left, and Kyungsoo wonders if he will stay at the sofa until he snaps out of his sadness.
I'm sure he misses you too. Baekhyun answers, and it sounds like pity to Kyungsoo's ears.
I'm so sorry I missed his performance. Kyungsoo mumbles, curling his knees in. I'm so sorry I didn't go to see his grand moment. I'm sorry I am so lost at my own career I didn't make time for him.
Will you do things differently if he returns?
I will, I will, I will. Kyungsoo tears, hiding his face in his knees.The day passes by in a haze and Kyungsoo forgets when he falls asleep.
******
He wakes up, he is dreaming. Jongin smiles over him, cupping his face with a genuine smile. Kyungsoo blinks, his eyes not believing the sight he is seeing. They say you hallucinate if you spent too many days without food. Kyungsoo closes his eyes again and let himself fall into a stupor.He wakes again, this time to smell of food. Anyone would have come in with the spare key under the mat. He sits up and blinks, rubs the tears out of his eyes. A familiar back is cooking something good and he steps slowly, hugging his arms around the back, presses his face to the warmth. A hand curls itself around Kyungsoo's hand, touching it softly.
I love you, Kyungsoo whispers. This must be a beautiful dream. He doesn't ever want to wake up.
Hyung? Came the soft question.
Kyungsoo wants to say something, anything, but his throat is dry. The body turns around and a hand on Kyungsoo's head.
Hyung, the voice cries. You have a fever!
Kyungsoo falls in the arms, his eyes closing again.
******
He wakes up to Jongin's face again, briefly recalls being fed congee between his stupor. Jongin holds his hand and smiles softly, and Kyungsoo starts crying because this is so real and yet unreal. Jongin's face twists in concern, and he lifts Kyungsoo up.
Are you okay? Kyungsoo shakes his head. Why are you still in my dreams?
Jongin blinks. Hyung, I just got back from Japan. I told you that morning I was leaving. I had a dance showcase and was worried i have to miss our anniversary. But I came back early because Baekhyun called me saying you cried on the phone and I got really worried. Jongin sighs and Kyungsoo must be in love because its the most beautiful expression he ever seen.
I love you so much, Kyungsoo whispers as he kisses Jongin and hugs him tight. Let me never wake up from this dream.
You're so silly, Jongin grins.
******
You're silly, Baekhyun shakes his head as he sits across the cuddling Jongin and Kyungsoo. Chanyeol sits besides Baekhyun, all weird eyes and loopy smiles and Kyungsoo does not know that such a weird looking person can be real even if he had seen Chanyeol a few times, and feels like punching him for agreeing to Baekhyun's teasing.
I'm not, I really thought he left for good. Kyungsoo protests as he rearranges himself on Jongin's lap. Ever since Jongin came back and Kyungsoo got off his delirious fever, he had not let his boyfriend leave ten feet off his sight when the other is not at work.
You're important to him, that's why he cut his performance dates short and came back. Baekhyun states matter of fact. Kyungsoo's fingers wrap around the sweater Jongin gave him and hides his burning face into Jongin's neck.
I'm sorry, Kyungsoo whispers, gripping on Jongin's shoulders.
I love you, Jongin answers.
imsorrythis is horrible
most of my writing is at my tumblr.
rach said i should post this so here it is.
I'm leaving you today, Soo. He says.
Kyungsoo nods, not even looking at him, his hand leafing through the pages of the draft he is revising when Jongin had announced the news.
Stay safe, he replies.
I will. Carrying his bag over his back, Jongin twists the doorknob. I'll leave the keys under the mat.
Thanks, Kyungsoo replies. The only sound that answers was the twist if the knob and the light push of the door. Kyungsoo goes back to the sheaf of papers, adjusting his glasses in the meantime. Jongin has always been considerate.
A relationship without love is not worth saving, Kyungsoo tells his closest friend Baekhyun over the phone, later that day.
But he loves you!
You don't understand. Kyungsoo wished it was that simple as the pen nib breaking under his press on the paper.
******
It no one's fault, really. Kyungsoo would love to dramatize how their relationship fell apart, but there really was nothing. He was perfectly faithful to Jongin; Jongin was sweet and devoted. Time just dampened that affection, slowly nibbling away at that blanket of love. Jongin and Kyungsoo are bought together by a physical attraction; out of it, they are different. Jongin is a dancer. Moving his limbs to music in his ears, fluidity like ripples in the water. Kyungsoo writes. Pours his mind in books. In words. And somewhere along the line, they stop trying to gap that difference.
Opposites attract, yes, but what's next to it?
Kyungsoo stopped trying the moment Jongin had a grand dance recital and despite having time to make it, he decided to stay home and focus on his next novel, deciding to not show up last minute. Jongin was disappointed, but Kyungsoo could not care.
Why, Soo? Jongin asks. Am I not important to you?
Kyungsoo does not know the answer. Jongin's eyes soften at him, curves in a smile and he presses the other close in an embrace.
******
Jongin leaves, and the next day, Kyungsoo wakes up alone in a bed for two. Unconsciously, he makes breakfast for two and sits alone, eating his omelet as he stares at the other plate, eyeing it.
You always makes the best omelet, imaginary Jongin beams at him as he licks the fork clean, reaching to drink his milk.
Kyungsoo wonders why the memory hurts so much, when he had thought himself out of love. He eats two bites of the omelet and retreats to the couch, curls himself into a ball.
He leaves his draft untouched.
I miss him, Kyungsoo mutters.
You idiot, Baekhyun cries.
He took everything and left. He won't come back.
Why don't you try to get him back?
Kyungsoo does not answer.Day two, Kyungsoo lies in bed, not wanting to get up. He looks at the ceiling and thinks of tanned skin and warm hands and plump lips and how it presses against his cheek, his lips, his neck, his chest.... Kyungsoo masturbates in the bed, and the feeling of his own hand is unsatisfactory.
You need to call Jongin back, Baekhyun sighs as Chanyeol growls in the background, their moment probably interrupted. You're ruining yourself.
Kyungsoo feels tears in his eyes, holds them in. I don't know how.
Do you want me to call Jongin for you? Baekhyun asks.
Kyungsoo ends the conversation. He's not a baby.
******
Day three, and two knocks comes to his door, a pause before it repeats.
You have mail, the postman smiles simply, almost pitifully as he hands Kyungsoo a box.
It was always Jongin who receives the mail.
Kyungsoo sits alone on the sofa, hands shivering as he opens the yellow package, recognizing Jongin's writing on the recipient address.
Happy anniversary, it read. It is a sweater. Kyungsoo remembers that it is two days shy of their anniversary, or what it would have been if Jongin had not left. He probably bought this ahead of time to send to Kyungsoo, typical Jongin. Its going to be winter soon and you get cold easily so remember to wear this often!
Kyungsoo presses the sweater to himself and sniffs deeply. His tears fall unbidden, and he dials the first number he can think of.
Hello?
Jongin, I miss you. He sobs. Can you come home?
Sorry, but I think you got the wrong number, this is Jongdae, the other voice is slightly high pitched, not deep like Jongin. But if you miss him, you should not let him go away from you that easily.
Kyungsoo realizes he dial a number wrong, but he has run out of courage. After a few minutes on the phone with Jongdae (you're really oblivious you know, this Jongin must love you really much if you can miss his milestone career performance and he still forgives you) Kyungsoo accepts he is the asshole in this relationship. That he may be the reason Jongin left. He hugs the sweater to sleep.
******
Hello? Kyungsoo croaks as he listens to Baekhyun on the line.
Are you okay Soo? You're like a wreck. Baekhyun sounds concerned.
I miss him. Kyungsoo sniffs. It is day four of Jongin's departure, and it feels like forever. He sits upright on the couch, hugging the sweater. He had not touched the bed since that second day Jongin left, and Kyungsoo wonders if he will stay at the sofa until he snaps out of his sadness.
I'm sure he misses you too. Baekhyun answers, and it sounds like pity to Kyungsoo's ears.
I'm so sorry I missed his performance. Kyungsoo mumbles, curling his knees in. I'm so sorry I didn't go to see his grand moment. I'm sorry I am so lost at my own career I didn't make time for him.
Will you do things differently if he returns?
I will, I will, I will. Kyungsoo tears, hiding his face in his knees.The day passes by in a haze and Kyungsoo forgets when he falls asleep.
******
He wakes up, he is dreaming. Jongin smiles over him, cupping his face with a genuine smile. Kyungsoo blinks, his eyes not believing the sight he is seeing. They say you hallucinate if you spent too many days without food. Kyungsoo closes his eyes again and let himself fall into a stupor.He wakes again, this time to smell of food. Anyone would have come in with the spare key under the mat. He sits up and blinks, rubs the tears out of his eyes. A familiar back is cooking something good and he steps slowly, hugging his arms around the back, presses his face to the warmth. A hand curls itself around Kyungsoo's hand, touching it softly.
I love you, Kyungsoo whispers. This must be a beautiful dream. He doesn't ever want to wake up.
Hyung? Came the soft question.
Kyungsoo wants to say something, anything, but his throat is dry. The body turns around and a hand on Kyungsoo's head.
Hyung, the voice cries. You have a fever!
Kyungsoo falls in the arms, his eyes closing again.
******
He wakes up to Jongin's face again, briefly recalls being fed congee between his stupor. Jongin holds his hand and smiles softly, and Kyungsoo starts crying because this is so real and yet unreal. Jongin's face twists in concern, and he lifts Kyungsoo up.
Are you okay? Kyungsoo shakes his head. Why are you still in my dreams?
Jongin blinks. Hyung, I just got back from Japan. I told you that morning I was leaving. I had a dance showcase and was worried i have to miss our anniversary. But I came back early because Baekhyun called me saying you cried on the phone and I got really worried. Jongin sighs and Kyungsoo must be in love because its the most beautiful expression he ever seen.
I love you so much, Kyungsoo whispers as he kisses Jongin and hugs him tight. Let me never wake up from this dream.
You're so silly, Jongin grins.
******
You're silly, Baekhyun shakes his head as he sits across the cuddling Jongin and Kyungsoo. Chanyeol sits besides Baekhyun, all weird eyes and loopy smiles and Kyungsoo does not know that such a weird looking person can be real even if he had seen Chanyeol a few times, and feels like punching him for agreeing to Baekhyun's teasing.
I'm not, I really thought he left for good. Kyungsoo protests as he rearranges himself on Jongin's lap. Ever since Jongin came back and Kyungsoo got off his delirious fever, he had not let his boyfriend leave ten feet off his sight when the other is not at work.
You're important to him, that's why he cut his performance dates short and came back. Baekhyun states matter of fact. Kyungsoo's fingers wrap around the sweater Jongin gave him and hides his burning face into Jongin's neck.
I'm sorry, Kyungsoo whispers, gripping on Jongin's shoulders.
I love you, Jongin answers.
imsorrythis is horrible
most of my writing is at my tumblr.