Come and Lie (With Me Tonight)
Part 1
who survives
alone at night
come and lie
with me till light
I.
It was a Monday when Jongup first saw him. He was tall and thin but not in a scrawny way, his teeth were slightly crooked and the pair of pearly white fronts nudged at his full lower lip in such a way that it drew anyone's eyes to them. Jongup had felt his cheeks flush as the man stepped closer, those pink lips curving into a smile as he tipped his head to flick the jet black strands of hair from his gentle, dark eyes, “Hey, you're the new kid, huh?” he had greeted, lifting a hand and affectionately messing up the younger man's hair with a single shake of his head, “I'm Himchan.”
Jongup had been thankful that he wasn't selected as the maknae of the group. He had always been the youngest. The youngest sibling, the youngest in class, and he felt it caused him to be a victim more than anything else. Of the six members of the group, the four eldest seemed to dote upon Junhong most, especially the leader who saw the seven year age gap between himself and the maknae to mean that he now needed to be the parental figure. For the first three weeks, Jongup rather enjoyed being invisible as it gave him the space to get his bearings in a city he didn't know well, with a group of men he didn't know either.
II.
However it was a Tuesday when he was first noticed. Very quickly the members were falling into their positions within the group, the barriers of hesitance breaking down. Himchan and Yongguk had been friends for two years prior to the formation of the group, so their relationship was already solid, the two eldest spending all of their time together laughing and talking. Daehyun and Youngjae were much the same, almost inseparable unless one of them was washing, and Jongup had noticed even that was something they did together on occasion. The two solid friendships that had formed before they lived together naturally brought him together with the maknae, who was quickly becoming a close friend of his. They both went to the same school and often travelled to and from together, it gave them something in common to share. Yet on this particular Tuesday, it was not Junhong that sat beside him in silence, nor was it Youngjae who watched him with careful eyes as he jotted down notes for his homework, as though awaiting for him to ask the help of the elder man who had been long ago selected as the smartest member of the group. “What are you doing, Jonguppie?” Himchan's voice startled the second-to-youngest, his eyes flickering up before his cheeks flushed red, his head dipping down lower as he shrugged,
“Homework.” he muttered softly, biting into his lip a moment later and curled up closer onto himself, as though trying to hide from the amused yet gentle gaze that lay down upon him from a hyung. A soft breathy laugh filled the space between them, Himchan's hand lifting to ruffle through the younger's freshly bleached blond hair.
“You're a cutie, Jonguppie-ah. Hyung is gonna look out for you, yeah?” he said softly, his voice warm as he nudged the younger. From then on Himchan didn't dote on Junhong as much as he doted upon Jongup. Jongup didn't mind.
III.
It was a Wednesday when Jongup first felt jealousy. It was something he had never experienced before, and the strange almost tight sensation in his chest confused him. He didn't know it was possible to go from adoring someone to hating them so fast, but as he saw Himchan's lips twitch up into a smile, as he watched the way his eyes dropped to scan over her from head to toe as she closed her eyes in laughter, Jongup knew he hated her. Jeon Hyosung was a kind, loving woman and every time she saw one of the members, her immediate reaction was always one of care, wanting to know if they had eaten, if they were feelign well, if they were over worked or tired, Jongup had loved her and her caring nature from the moment they had met. Yet something about this.. it made him feel sour inside. Like there was a cloud above his head and he was left alone in the shadow while everyone else stood in the sunshine. “Himchan-ah!” Hyosung laughed, smacking the man's chest in a gentle and playful way, before she rolled her eyes and pouted, “You're terrible to your Noona.” she said, before turning her attention on Jongup and Junhong who sat side by side.
Jongup made the mistake of sparing a glance to Himchan, their eyes connecting for a moment and the elder man's lips curved into a smirk, glancing pointedly at Hyosung before sending a wink to the younger man. I'm in was what that meant, and Jongup thought he was going to be sick.
Every time the Secret members dropped by the dorm things became strange, awkward and uncomfortable for everyone. Jieun always tried to get time alone with Yongguk and the leader always seems to ignore her. Jongup isn't sure if it is because he is oblivious to her rather blatant advances, or if he is choosing ignorance. He suspects the latter, as every few moments the leader is glancing to Junhong with a protective gaze as he talked and laughed with his maknae counterpart. Jongup himself, however, doesn't say a word. He sits with his eyes down, blocking out the sounds of voices and words as he doesn't want to see it happening. He doesn't want to see the way their hands brush, he doesn't want to know what he says to make her laugh, or what she does to make his tongue swipe over his lower lip they way it does when he feels hunger. Jongup just doesn't want to know.
“I should get back to the dorm.” Hyosung says with a smile as she licks her lower lip. The other three members of the group had retired to their own home almost two hours before, but Hyosung had stayed behind as the soju was brought out.
“I'll drive you back, Noona.” Himchan says in offer. Jongup doesn't want to know what they talk about when they are alone, but he does want to know how it feels to be kissed goodnight until he is breathless and the only stars he knows are the lights in Himchan's eyes.
IV.
It was a Thursday when he realised he needed Himchan. He lay awake in bed, his eyes open as he gazed up at the roof that lay above the series of bunkbeds that the six of them shared together. The soft sounds of voices filtered in from the living room from where the three eldest men sat together, Junhong and Jongup having been sent to bed like children. “It's too late for you two growing boys to still be up. We have a big day tomorrow, you need your rest.” Yongguk had said, and they had listened as they always did to their leader, hyung and friend. Youngjae had joined them not too long afterwards, crawling into Daehyun's bed as he claimed the mattress was more comfortable than his own. Jongup knew that Daehyun and Youngjae's relationship had changed. He saw the way their eyes lingered on one another, how they accidentally touched more often, and how they would sometimes disappear for hours on end with no explanation. He didn't know if he was the only member that knew, or if everyone knew and simply chose not to speak of it. He didn't tell a soul, regardless.
As he lay awake on the mattress, his mind wandered. He wanted so badly just to sleep, he wanted to allow himself to relax back and feel the exhaustion take over him, but he just couldn't. His head turned and he looked at Himchan's empty bed beside his, the sheets a mess, the pillow folded. Himchan was violent in his sleep, occasionally kicking Jongup during the night but he didn't mind. He didn't mind anything Himchan did.
The soft sound of familiar laughter filtered in from the living room and he pushed himself up, wrapping a blanket around his shoulders before jumping down from the top bunk, his teeth sinking into his lower lip as he let himself out of the silent and dark room.
“Man you should have seen her, it was like she was from some porno I just couldn't-” Himchan cut himself off as he saw Yongguk sitting up straighter, the leader's brow creased with concern. Everyone knew that the leader didn't like it when the members spoke about sex in front of the maknaes, Himchan almost always respected that. Almost. However that night, Himchan's head turned to look at Jongup in the doorway, his soft lips curving into a smile as he saw the younger man lifting a hand to rub at his eye, “Jonguppie-ah.. What are you doing out of bed? It's late.”
“I can't sleep..” Jongup murmured, swallowing the lump that formed in his throat at the words he had heard. He didn't have to think of them for long, because soon Himchan's hand is extending to him with a warm, tender smile,
“Come here, Jonguppie. Sit with Hyung until you feel tired enough to sleep.” Jongup nodded, allowing the elder man to bring him against his side. Jongup was tense for all of twenty-four seconds, before he relaxed into the warmth of Himchan's body, the familiar scent of the man giving him all the comfort he could need. He could have sworn Himchan would hear his heartbeat as it thumped fast in his chest.
When he woke up the next morning, he was laying on Himchan's bed. He couldn't remember how he got there.
V.
It was a Friday when he first felt guilt and regret. Five of the members had gone out to dinner, Himchan saying he would prefer to stay at home that night and rest. Jongup had wanted so desperately to stay with him, but he didn't breathe a word of that, always too shy to speak the truth of what he wanted. It was nine-thirty when Daehyun suggested they go to Noraebang, Youngjae agreeing immediately even though he said he didn't want to sing, and Junhong had pouted at Yongguk until the elder had caved and agreed to let the maknae stay out a little later, even though he made him swear not to even leave his sight for a second. Jongup had said he wanted to go home, and Yongguk had paid for his taxi, making him promise to text as soon as he made it back to the dorm. Jongup pressed send to the message as soon as he stepped into the front door, closing it softly behind him. His lips parted to call for Himchan, but the word died on his lips as he was met with the sound of a moan. He had never heard Himchan's voice sound like that before. It was deep, husky and so sinful that it sent a shiver down Jongup's spine, and alread was making his boxers feel tight.
“O-Oh Oppa..” Jongup's heart sank as he heard a woman's voice. There was a slow rhythm of the bed knocking against the wall and he couldn't stop himself from stepping up through the apartment, and peeking through the crack in the door into the bedroom. He could only just make out Himchan's form, the blankets around his hips as he held himself up on both hands, his body rocking in a slow rhythm and sounds falling from his beautiful mouth with every movement. It was like the most beautiful song Jongup had ever seen. It was a symphony of pleasure, desire and sin and before he knew what he was doing, Jongup's hand was slipping into his pants, his fingers curling around his own erection and squeezing. His teeth bit into his lower lip to keep silent as he just listened.
Maybe it was too easy to block out the sounds the woman was making, maybe it was too easy to forget what it was he was doing, but as his ears filled with the sinful sounds of Himchan approaching an orgasm, he couldn't find it within himself to care.
Himchan's voice was loud and husky as he cried out in ecstasy, and Jongup made his lip bleed to keep himself silent as he released into his boxes. Face flushed and heart racing, he withdrew his trembling hand from his pants and let himself out of the apartment again. He sat in the stair well for two hours just so he could be sure she was gone; he couldn't look Himchan in the eye for a week, nor could he stop hearing the music of Himchan's voice.
VI.
It was a Saturday when he first cried over Himchan. He had never thought much about how he felt, or what his feelings meant. He knew that his chest would tighten when he heard of the elder man being with another. He knew that he would kill for Himchan to look at him the way that Daehyun looked at Youngjae with such love, such contentment, or the way that Yongguk would look to Junhong as though the maknae was the most perfect creature on the planet.
They had moved into a new dorm and now they had the luxury of having two per room, rather than all six of them sharing together. He lay in bed at night listening to Himchan's breaths as they held a steady rhythm that often lulled him into the security of sleep. He would wake up in the morning and smile because the first thing he would see would be Himchan's sleep mussed hair and tired smiles as he greeted his favourite maknae with a gruff voice. Jongup could ignore the way his heart ached when he saw those smiles.
He sat on his bed holding his book, his head cocked to the side as his eyes flittered over the words. School was over for him, he no longer had to study the way Junhong did, but on occasion he enjoyed reading books. Often he was titled as the stupidest member of the group, the one who was always clueless and oblivious, and usually he tried not to let it get to him. He knew that he wasn't stupid, he was just quiet, he kept to himself and he observed those around him while remaining silent. Often Himchan would speak and yell and laugh and his head would turn to look to Jongup for some kind of confirmation which would come as a nod and a smile, which satisfied the elder.
Himchan opened the door to their shared bedroom and closed it behind him, his cheeks pink from entering the warm apartment from the cool November air outside. Jongup's head lifted, his eyes settling on Himchan in silent question, the man looking like he was about to say something, “I'm going to ask Hyosung out at the Christmas party.” he said. Jongup's expression didn't waver, while inside his heart ached and his throat tightened. A smile curved his lips and he did his very best to keep his voice steady,
“About time. You've been wanting to forever.” he said, his gaze dropping down to the pages of his book. Dark eyes fluttered closed and he released a slow breath. Himchan groaned,
“Guppie-ah I don't know how to ask her out. She's perfect. I mean just fuck look at her. She has the most incredible tits I have ever seen.. and her legs, and fuck her face and just.. she's way too good for me, she probably will laugh and say 'Ha! No.' and then I am going to be left humiliated. She could do so much better than me.” he said, sitting down beside his dearest friend and dongsaeng, pushing the book from his lap and instead laying his head against the younger's firm thighs. Jongup blinked down at the elder, their faces having been brought close together and he was quick to look elsewhere, his fingers automatically fiddling with the dirty blond hair that truly looked incredible. Though Jongup thought anything looked incredible on Himchan.
“She'd be an idiot if she turned you down, Hyung.. You're a catch. You're handsome and kind and patient.. You have a good body, too.. I don't think she's out of your league at all..” he said, swallowing hard and cutting himself off before he could continue. Himchan snorted, reaching up to mess Jongup's hair again,
“Slow down kid, I might start thinking you wanna ask me out.” he snorted before making a face, “That'd be weird, I aint got any problem with Gays but that shit grosses me out, you know?” he said, pushing himself to stand. Jongup tried not to react to the words, simply laughing and reaching to grab a pair of sweat pants and clean underwear,
“Yeah.. I'm going to shower.” he said, his vision swimming as soon as he stepped from the room. Himchan would never look at him the way he looked at Hyosung. He gazed at his reflection in the mirror, everything from his broad chest, muscled arms down to his strong thighs and masculine jaw. He didn't have soft, pale skin. He didn't have large breasts, or slim hips. He stared at himself for a long time, he had never felt so hideous in his entire life.
Hot water beat down on his face as his breath hitched, a hand clamped over his mouth so that no one could hear him cry.
VII.
It was a Sunday when he realised this was love. He watched Himchan as he introduced himself in front of a crowd of screaming fans, the man looking tall and handsome and simply perfect in his tailored suit and styled hair. Himchan was everything he had ever wanted, and everything he could never have.
That night they lay silently in their beds, Jongup only just able to make out his shape through the darkness. “Goodnight Jonguppie.” he murmured, pulling the covers tight around his head.
“Goodnight, Hyung..” Jongup replied. The room settled into silence, it was almost deafening. “H-hey Hyung?”
“Mm?” Himchan replied sleepily, and once again silence stretched between them. He swallowed hard, mustering up the courage to speak,
“I...” he began, not even knowing what he wanted to say. All he knew was that he didn't want there to be silence. He didn't want the moment to end. “Nothing.. Never mind.” he said, closing his eyes tightly, listening to the tired chuckle,
“Love you, kid. Now go the fuck to sleep.” he replied, his voice warm, not knowing how those words brought tears to Jongup's eyes, or how they made him ache in so many ways.
“I love you, too.” he murmured. Himchan was already asleep.
who survives
alone at night
come and lie
with me till light
I.
It was a Monday when Jongup first saw him. He was tall and thin but not in a scrawny way, his teeth were slightly crooked and the pair of pearly white fronts nudged at his full lower lip in such a way that it drew anyone's eyes to them. Jongup had felt his cheeks flush as the man stepped closer, those pink lips curving into a smile as he tipped his head to flick the jet black strands of hair from his gentle, dark eyes, “Hey, you're the new kid, huh?” he had greeted, lifting a hand and affectionately messing up the younger man's hair with a single shake of his head, “I'm Himchan.”
Jongup had been thankful that he wasn't selected as the maknae of the group. He had always been the youngest. The youngest sibling, the youngest in class, and he felt it caused him to be a victim more than anything else. Of the six members of the group, the four eldest seemed to dote upon Junhong most, especially the leader who saw the seven year age gap between himself and the maknae to mean that he now needed to be the parental figure. For the first three weeks, Jongup rather enjoyed being invisible as it gave him the space to get his bearings in a city he didn't know well, with a group of men he didn't know either.
II.
However it was a Tuesday when he was first noticed. Very quickly the members were falling into their positions within the group, the barriers of hesitance breaking down. Himchan and Yongguk had been friends for two years prior to the formation of the group, so their relationship was already solid, the two eldest spending all of their time together laughing and talking. Daehyun and Youngjae were much the same, almost inseparable unless one of them was washing, and Jongup had noticed even that was something they did together on occasion. The two solid friendships that had formed before they lived together naturally brought him together with the maknae, who was quickly becoming a close friend of his. They both went to the same school and often travelled to and from together, it gave them something in common to share. Yet on this particular Tuesday, it was not Junhong that sat beside him in silence, nor was it Youngjae who watched him with careful eyes as he jotted down notes for his homework, as though awaiting for him to ask the help of the elder man who had been long ago selected as the smartest member of the group. “What are you doing, Jonguppie?” Himchan's voice startled the second-to-youngest, his eyes flickering up before his cheeks flushed red, his head dipping down lower as he shrugged,
“Homework.” he muttered softly, biting into his lip a moment later and curled up closer onto himself, as though trying to hide from the amused yet gentle gaze that lay down upon him from a hyung. A soft breathy laugh filled the space between them, Himchan's hand lifting to ruffle through the younger's freshly bleached blond hair.
“You're a cutie, Jonguppie-ah. Hyung is gonna look out for you, yeah?” he said softly, his voice warm as he nudged the younger. From then on Himchan didn't dote on Junhong as much as he doted upon Jongup. Jongup didn't mind.
III.
It was a Wednesday when Jongup first felt jealousy. It was something he had never experienced before, and the strange almost tight sensation in his chest confused him. He didn't know it was possible to go from adoring someone to hating them so fast, but as he saw Himchan's lips twitch up into a smile, as he watched the way his eyes dropped to scan over her from head to toe as she closed her eyes in laughter, Jongup knew he hated her. Jeon Hyosung was a kind, loving woman and every time she saw one of the members, her immediate reaction was always one of care, wanting to know if they had eaten, if they were feelign well, if they were over worked or tired, Jongup had loved her and her caring nature from the moment they had met. Yet something about this.. it made him feel sour inside. Like there was a cloud above his head and he was left alone in the shadow while everyone else stood in the sunshine. “Himchan-ah!” Hyosung laughed, smacking the man's chest in a gentle and playful way, before she rolled her eyes and pouted, “You're terrible to your Noona.” she said, before turning her attention on Jongup and Junhong who sat side by side.
Jongup made the mistake of sparing a glance to Himchan, their eyes connecting for a moment and the elder man's lips curved into a smirk, glancing pointedly at Hyosung before sending a wink to the younger man. I'm in was what that meant, and Jongup thought he was going to be sick.
Every time the Secret members dropped by the dorm things became strange, awkward and uncomfortable for everyone. Jieun always tried to get time alone with Yongguk and the leader always seems to ignore her. Jongup isn't sure if it is because he is oblivious to her rather blatant advances, or if he is choosing ignorance. He suspects the latter, as every few moments the leader is glancing to Junhong with a protective gaze as he talked and laughed with his maknae counterpart. Jongup himself, however, doesn't say a word. He sits with his eyes down, blocking out the sounds of voices and words as he doesn't want to see it happening. He doesn't want to see the way their hands brush, he doesn't want to know what he says to make her laugh, or what she does to make his tongue swipe over his lower lip they way it does when he feels hunger. Jongup just doesn't want to know.
“I should get back to the dorm.” Hyosung says with a smile as she licks her lower lip. The other three members of the group had retired to their own home almost two hours before, but Hyosung had stayed behind as the soju was brought out.
“I'll drive you back, Noona.” Himchan says in offer. Jongup doesn't want to know what they talk about when they are alone, but he does want to know how it feels to be kissed goodnight until he is breathless and the only stars he knows are the lights in Himchan's eyes.
IV.
It was a Thursday when he realised he needed Himchan. He lay awake in bed, his eyes open as he gazed up at the roof that lay above the series of bunkbeds that the six of them shared together. The soft sounds of voices filtered in from the living room from where the three eldest men sat together, Junhong and Jongup having been sent to bed like children. “It's too late for you two growing boys to still be up. We have a big day tomorrow, you need your rest.” Yongguk had said, and they had listened as they always did to their leader, hyung and friend. Youngjae had joined them not too long afterwards, crawling into Daehyun's bed as he claimed the mattress was more comfortable than his own. Jongup knew that Daehyun and Youngjae's relationship had changed. He saw the way their eyes lingered on one another, how they accidentally touched more often, and how they would sometimes disappear for hours on end with no explanation. He didn't know if he was the only member that knew, or if everyone knew and simply chose not to speak of it. He didn't tell a soul, regardless.
As he lay awake on the mattress, his mind wandered. He wanted so badly just to sleep, he wanted to allow himself to relax back and feel the exhaustion take over him, but he just couldn't. His head turned and he looked at Himchan's empty bed beside his, the sheets a mess, the pillow folded. Himchan was violent in his sleep, occasionally kicking Jongup during the night but he didn't mind. He didn't mind anything Himchan did.
The soft sound of familiar laughter filtered in from the living room and he pushed himself up, wrapping a blanket around his shoulders before jumping down from the top bunk, his teeth sinking into his lower lip as he let himself out of the silent and dark room.
“Man you should have seen her, it was like she was from some porno I just couldn't-” Himchan cut himself off as he saw Yongguk sitting up straighter, the leader's brow creased with concern. Everyone knew that the leader didn't like it when the members spoke about sex in front of the maknaes, Himchan almost always respected that. Almost. However that night, Himchan's head turned to look at Jongup in the doorway, his soft lips curving into a smile as he saw the younger man lifting a hand to rub at his eye, “Jonguppie-ah.. What are you doing out of bed? It's late.”
“I can't sleep..” Jongup murmured, swallowing the lump that formed in his throat at the words he had heard. He didn't have to think of them for long, because soon Himchan's hand is extending to him with a warm, tender smile,
“Come here, Jonguppie. Sit with Hyung until you feel tired enough to sleep.” Jongup nodded, allowing the elder man to bring him against his side. Jongup was tense for all of twenty-four seconds, before he relaxed into the warmth of Himchan's body, the familiar scent of the man giving him all the comfort he could need. He could have sworn Himchan would hear his heartbeat as it thumped fast in his chest.
When he woke up the next morning, he was laying on Himchan's bed. He couldn't remember how he got there.
V.
It was a Friday when he first felt guilt and regret. Five of the members had gone out to dinner, Himchan saying he would prefer to stay at home that night and rest. Jongup had wanted so desperately to stay with him, but he didn't breathe a word of that, always too shy to speak the truth of what he wanted. It was nine-thirty when Daehyun suggested they go to Noraebang, Youngjae agreeing immediately even though he said he didn't want to sing, and Junhong had pouted at Yongguk until the elder had caved and agreed to let the maknae stay out a little later, even though he made him swear not to even leave his sight for a second. Jongup had said he wanted to go home, and Yongguk had paid for his taxi, making him promise to text as soon as he made it back to the dorm. Jongup pressed send to the message as soon as he stepped into the front door, closing it softly behind him. His lips parted to call for Himchan, but the word died on his lips as he was met with the sound of a moan. He had never heard Himchan's voice sound like that before. It was deep, husky and so sinful that it sent a shiver down Jongup's spine, and alread was making his boxers feel tight.
“O-Oh Oppa..” Jongup's heart sank as he heard a woman's voice. There was a slow rhythm of the bed knocking against the wall and he couldn't stop himself from stepping up through the apartment, and peeking through the crack in the door into the bedroom. He could only just make out Himchan's form, the blankets around his hips as he held himself up on both hands, his body rocking in a slow rhythm and sounds falling from his beautiful mouth with every movement. It was like the most beautiful song Jongup had ever seen. It was a symphony of pleasure, desire and sin and before he knew what he was doing, Jongup's hand was slipping into his pants, his fingers curling around his own erection and squeezing. His teeth bit into his lower lip to keep silent as he just listened.
Maybe it was too easy to block out the sounds the woman was making, maybe it was too easy to forget what it was he was doing, but as his ears filled with the sinful sounds of Himchan approaching an orgasm, he couldn't find it within himself to care.
Himchan's voice was loud and husky as he cried out in ecstasy, and Jongup made his lip bleed to keep himself silent as he released into his boxes. Face flushed and heart racing, he withdrew his trembling hand from his pants and let himself out of the apartment again. He sat in the stair well for two hours just so he could be sure she was gone; he couldn't look Himchan in the eye for a week, nor could he stop hearing the music of Himchan's voice.
VI.
It was a Saturday when he first cried over Himchan. He had never thought much about how he felt, or what his feelings meant. He knew that his chest would tighten when he heard of the elder man being with another. He knew that he would kill for Himchan to look at him the way that Daehyun looked at Youngjae with such love, such contentment, or the way that Yongguk would look to Junhong as though the maknae was the most perfect creature on the planet.
They had moved into a new dorm and now they had the luxury of having two per room, rather than all six of them sharing together. He lay in bed at night listening to Himchan's breaths as they held a steady rhythm that often lulled him into the security of sleep. He would wake up in the morning and smile because the first thing he would see would be Himchan's sleep mussed hair and tired smiles as he greeted his favourite maknae with a gruff voice. Jongup could ignore the way his heart ached when he saw those smiles.
He sat on his bed holding his book, his head cocked to the side as his eyes flittered over the words. School was over for him, he no longer had to study the way Junhong did, but on occasion he enjoyed reading books. Often he was titled as the stupidest member of the group, the one who was always clueless and oblivious, and usually he tried not to let it get to him. He knew that he wasn't stupid, he was just quiet, he kept to himself and he observed those around him while remaining silent. Often Himchan would speak and yell and laugh and his head would turn to look to Jongup for some kind of confirmation which would come as a nod and a smile, which satisfied the elder.
Himchan opened the door to their shared bedroom and closed it behind him, his cheeks pink from entering the warm apartment from the cool November air outside. Jongup's head lifted, his eyes settling on Himchan in silent question, the man looking like he was about to say something, “I'm going to ask Hyosung out at the Christmas party.” he said. Jongup's expression didn't waver, while inside his heart ached and his throat tightened. A smile curved his lips and he did his very best to keep his voice steady,
“About time. You've been wanting to forever.” he said, his gaze dropping down to the pages of his book. Dark eyes fluttered closed and he released a slow breath. Himchan groaned,
“Guppie-ah I don't know how to ask her out. She's perfect. I mean just fuck look at her. She has the most incredible tits I have ever seen.. and her legs, and fuck her face and just.. she's way too good for me, she probably will laugh and say 'Ha! No.' and then I am going to be left humiliated. She could do so much better than me.” he said, sitting down beside his dearest friend and dongsaeng, pushing the book from his lap and instead laying his head against the younger's firm thighs. Jongup blinked down at the elder, their faces having been brought close together and he was quick to look elsewhere, his fingers automatically fiddling with the dirty blond hair that truly looked incredible. Though Jongup thought anything looked incredible on Himchan.
“She'd be an idiot if she turned you down, Hyung.. You're a catch. You're handsome and kind and patient.. You have a good body, too.. I don't think she's out of your league at all..” he said, swallowing hard and cutting himself off before he could continue. Himchan snorted, reaching up to mess Jongup's hair again,
“Slow down kid, I might start thinking you wanna ask me out.” he snorted before making a face, “That'd be weird, I aint got any problem with Gays but that shit grosses me out, you know?” he said, pushing himself to stand. Jongup tried not to react to the words, simply laughing and reaching to grab a pair of sweat pants and clean underwear,
“Yeah.. I'm going to shower.” he said, his vision swimming as soon as he stepped from the room. Himchan would never look at him the way he looked at Hyosung. He gazed at his reflection in the mirror, everything from his broad chest, muscled arms down to his strong thighs and masculine jaw. He didn't have soft, pale skin. He didn't have large breasts, or slim hips. He stared at himself for a long time, he had never felt so hideous in his entire life.
Hot water beat down on his face as his breath hitched, a hand clamped over his mouth so that no one could hear him cry.
VII.
It was a Sunday when he realised this was love. He watched Himchan as he introduced himself in front of a crowd of screaming fans, the man looking tall and handsome and simply perfect in his tailored suit and styled hair. Himchan was everything he had ever wanted, and everything he could never have.
That night they lay silently in their beds, Jongup only just able to make out his shape through the darkness. “Goodnight Jonguppie.” he murmured, pulling the covers tight around his head.
“Goodnight, Hyung..” Jongup replied. The room settled into silence, it was almost deafening. “H-hey Hyung?”
“Mm?” Himchan replied sleepily, and once again silence stretched between them. He swallowed hard, mustering up the courage to speak,
“I...” he began, not even knowing what he wanted to say. All he knew was that he didn't want there to be silence. He didn't want the moment to end. “Nothing.. Never mind.” he said, closing his eyes tightly, listening to the tired chuckle,
“Love you, kid. Now go the fuck to sleep.” he replied, his voice warm, not knowing how those words brought tears to Jongup's eyes, or how they made him ache in so many ways.
“I love you, too.” he murmured. Himchan was already asleep.