SGA-fic: John Sheppard and the Big Alien Conspiracy (PG)
Huge thanks to
the_cephalopod for the super-fast beta!
ETA: Don't miss the brilliant companion story written by
anyanka_eg : The Big Alien Conspiracy
Summary: When General O’Neill said he thought that people who didn’t want to go through the gate were whacked, John had just nodded and smiled. However, after some time in the Pegasus galaxy, John has come to the conclusion that being crazy is a necessary prerequisite for wanting to go through the damn thing.
John and his team and all the things aliens make them do.
When General O’Neill said he thought that people who didn’t want to go through the gate were whacked, John had just nodded and smiled. However, after some time in the Pegasus galaxy, John has come to the conclusion that being crazy is a necessary prerequisite for wanting to go through the damn thing.
Then again, O’Neill has probably never had to put up with half the things John and his team have gone though. Either that, or he’s really really good at writing misleading mission reports.
~ * ~
On PT6-4F4, the tribal elders refuse to talk to the team until Ford agrees to participate in a ritual that involves catching a soaped up almost-pig and holding on to it for three minutes. It’s supposed to show his determination.
The entire tribe gathers around the very muddy pen in which Ford and the slippery little thing have been put. They’re practically hanging over the fence in their excitement, shouting and laughing.
John might possibly be laughing a little bit too. He’s just trying not to show it.
“No, no, no!” Rodney yells, also hanging over the fence and waving his hands around like a boxing coach. “You can’t do it like that, you have to... you have to get your hands around it, no, no, the other way, if you do it like this, it’ll just get away again and... see there, what did I tell you!”
Ford looks up from where he’s lying belly-down in the mud. The almost-pig has just slipped out of his grasp again and now it’s standing a few feet away, happily waving its tail. The animal seems to be enjoying the game much more than Ford.
“You wanna take my place, Dr. McKay?” he growls, and Rodney shuts up very fast.
Ford eventually succeeds in catching the pig. By then he’s covered in mud, has a sprained wrist and bruises all over. But there’s pork chops for dinner which Ford eats with relish and a big satisfied smile.
~ * ~
On PH6-096, the queen won’t negotiate with the Lanteans because John and Elizabeth aren’t married to each other. According to the traditions on PH6-096, the political leader and the military leader must be united in marriage. Apparently it’s their way of preventing a military coup.
“Oh, come on,” Rodney shouts. “There is a very good chance that their database contains the instructions of how to build a ZedPM! You can’t possibly mean to throw that away just to get out of a fake marriage that won’t be legal anywhere other than here!”
“We’re not getting married, and that’s final,” John says. He’s been there, done that, and even if it’s just for show he has absolutely no interest in tying the knot again.
“John,” Elizabeth says, with that smile that makes UN representatives run over each other to make her happy. “Rodney has a point.”
John knows when he’s lost an argument.
For a wedding, it’s very nice. Rodney and Ford act as best men (although they’re smirking a little too much for John’s liking) and Teyla is a very pretty bridesmaid. There’s lots of good food and even better booze, and no one’s chasing anyone with pointy objects, which always counts as a win in John’s book. John is actually enjoying himself. That is, until he and Elizabeth are locked into a room together to consummate their marriage.
“Well,” John says, rubbing his sweaty palms on his pants. “This is awkward. They expect us to be here until... when?”
“Until dawn,” Elizabeth answers, sitting down on the (very big and very soft) bed. She’s looking beautiful in the traditional dress the queen supplied. It’s red and gold with black beads and has slits in all kinds of interesting places - or places John would find interesting if they had been attached to someone besides his boss.
“So.” He searches desperately for something to say. “Wanna play cards or something?”
It turns out that John just got married to a card shark. When the sun rises outside, Elizabeth owns not only his dessert for the next two months, but also his solemn promise to hand his mission reports in on time for the next four.
Actually, he can think of worse ways to spend a wedding night.
~ * ~
On PD4-178, Rodney makes a new friend.
“A little girl gave it to me!” he exclaims. ‘It’ is a not-quite kitten, furry and orange, with bright green eyes and very sharp teeth. John finds that out because when he tries to scratch its ears, it chomps down on his hand.
“You know the rules, Rodney,” John sighs, rubbing the bloody bite mark. “We can’t bring it back to Atlantis unless the xeno-biologists clear it.”
Rodney stubbornly holds on to the kitten. “It was a gift!” he says. “Do you want to insult these people by refusing a gift? We could cause a diplomatic incident, Major. It’s our duty to Atlantis to bring it back!”
That’s very ironic, because Rodney once single-handedly caused three diplomatic incidents before breakfast just by opening his mouth. John eyes the kitten warily. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he says. The bite mark itches and he rubs it again.
“It’s kind of cute,” Ford says. Rodney actually beams at him, keeping his possessive hold of the little monster.
The bite mark really itches. John looks down on his hand. It’s also very red and swollen. And he’s feeling a little off, like his knees have taken a sudden leave of absence. Also, the world seems to be slightly off-kilter.
“We’d better get back,” John slurs, reaching out to steady himself against the nearest available thing, which happens to be Teyla’s chest. She gently removes his hand.
“Major Sheppard, are you not feeling well?”
“I feel...” John says, trying to focus on her. For some reason, her face has gone from honey brown to green. That can’t be good. “I feel dizzy.” The green fades into purple. It’s a nice shade, but it doesn’t match her hair. “Can you stop changing colour, please? It’s very confusing.”
Teyla’s face goes from purple to yellow and also takes on a concerned expression. That’s when John’s knees give out completely and his multi-coloured world fades into black.
Ford has to carry him back to the ‘gate. Rodney’s kitten turns out to be a markat, a species that paralyses its prey before eating it. According to Teyla, it will grow up to be the size of a MALP.
John remains blissfully unaware of all this when he first wakes up in the infirmary to the sweet sound of Elizabeth chewing Rodney out.
“...know the rules, Rodney!”
“It was cuddly and cute! How was I supposed to know it was poisonous?”
“Rodney, if you want a pet, you can have one of Carson’s mice. No more trying to adopt alien predators, is that understood?”
John smiles and goes back to sleep.
~ * ~
On P55-443, Ford has to sit on top of a pole for a day and a night. It’s supposed to test his mental strength and concentration.
It is a very cold night, a high pole, and the platform on which Ford is sitting is small. At least the aliens let him take a blanket up there, but John still feels bad. He’s the leader, he should’ve volunteered first. But it was Ford’s turn to take care of the stupid alien ritual/ceremony/test/whatever. Still, neither of them sleeps very much that night.
Ford is shivering when he climbs down in the morning. As his feet touch the ground, he sneezes loudly into the crook of his elbow.
“Get away from me!” Rodney yelps, quickly backing off. “Keep your alien space-plague to yourself!”
The next time Ford sneezes, he specifically aims for Rodney.
~ * ~
On M66-007, the natives convince John to touch something weird and glowy. Thirty minutes later, he can hear people’s thoughts.
“Do you have to think so loud?” he asks Rodney. He’s already getting a headache and they’re not even back in Atlantis yet.
“Well, excuse me, Major, it’s not like I can just turn my brain off!” Rodney shouts back. “I told you to leave that thing alone, but no, you just couldn’t keep your hands to yourself.”
To be completely honest, Rodney’s thoughts are sort of nice. They’re running so fast that John can’t quite keep track on them, so they just fade into a soft background noise in his head. Ford, on the other hand, is thinking so hard about not thinking about porn that it’s almost funny. Almost. There are some things John doesn’t want to know about his 2IC
Getting back to the city is like being clobbered in the face with a two by four. There are people and thoughts everywhere, ruthlessly invading his brain.He feels a bit like throwing up before Teyla and Rodney grab him by the arms and walk him to the infirmary. He latches onto Rodney’s organised chaos and Teyla’s serene calm and manages to get there without incident.
Carson is almost worse than Ford. The second he finds out what happened on the planet, John’s mind is full of farmyard animals. Mostly sheep.
Rodney, Teyla and Ford go back to M66-007 to try to determine exactly what the device does and how long the effects will last. Meanwhile, John hides in his quarters. Word travels fast in Atlantis and every time he sticks his nose out the door, he gets strange looks.
The rest of his team come back from the planet bearing the news that the device is meant to inspire trust. It should wear off in a couple of days. John is ready to cry with relief. He hasn’t been able to sleep and he blames Sergeant Fisher’s nightmares about being chased by giant teletubbies.
When the telepathy wears off three days later, John finds he has a brand new appreciation for being alone in his own head. It takes another week for people to stop looking at him funny.
Damn aliens.
~ * ~
On P54-13D, John and Rodney are stipped naked, doused in honey, and tied to a tree overnight. It’s supposed to be a test of endurance. John is trying to figure out what to write in the mission report that won’t make them look like total losers.
“Do you ever get the feeling they keep doing this just to see how much stupid stuff we’re willing to put up with?” Rodney asks, wriggling against the ropes.
John stares out into the darkness. It’s a mild night and the natives let them keep their radios, just in case something should happen. He thinks about Teyla and Ford, who are back in the village enjoying good food and soft beds. An alien conspiracy actually seems very likely; Teyla never has to do anything like this.
“You might have a point there, buddy,” he says.
“I think something’s crawling up my leg,” Rodney says miserably. “Oh no, no, no, no. Something’s definitely crawling up my leg. Lots of somethings. Please tell me those are not ants?”
John sighs deeply. If they ever get back to Earth again, he’s going to kill O’Neill. Or at least cover him in some sweet sticky stuff and tie him to a tree.
- fin -
the_cephalopod for the super-fast beta!
ETA: Don't miss the brilliant companion story written by
anyanka_eg : The Big Alien Conspiracy
Summary: When General O’Neill said he thought that people who didn’t want to go through the gate were whacked, John had just nodded and smiled. However, after some time in the Pegasus galaxy, John has come to the conclusion that being crazy is a necessary prerequisite for wanting to go through the damn thing.
John and his team and all the things aliens make them do.
When General O’Neill said he thought that people who didn’t want to go through the gate were whacked, John had just nodded and smiled. However, after some time in the Pegasus galaxy, John has come to the conclusion that being crazy is a necessary prerequisite for wanting to go through the damn thing.
Then again, O’Neill has probably never had to put up with half the things John and his team have gone though. Either that, or he’s really really good at writing misleading mission reports.
~ * ~
On PT6-4F4, the tribal elders refuse to talk to the team until Ford agrees to participate in a ritual that involves catching a soaped up almost-pig and holding on to it for three minutes. It’s supposed to show his determination.
The entire tribe gathers around the very muddy pen in which Ford and the slippery little thing have been put. They’re practically hanging over the fence in their excitement, shouting and laughing.
John might possibly be laughing a little bit too. He’s just trying not to show it.
“No, no, no!” Rodney yells, also hanging over the fence and waving his hands around like a boxing coach. “You can’t do it like that, you have to... you have to get your hands around it, no, no, the other way, if you do it like this, it’ll just get away again and... see there, what did I tell you!”
Ford looks up from where he’s lying belly-down in the mud. The almost-pig has just slipped out of his grasp again and now it’s standing a few feet away, happily waving its tail. The animal seems to be enjoying the game much more than Ford.
“You wanna take my place, Dr. McKay?” he growls, and Rodney shuts up very fast.
Ford eventually succeeds in catching the pig. By then he’s covered in mud, has a sprained wrist and bruises all over. But there’s pork chops for dinner which Ford eats with relish and a big satisfied smile.
~ * ~
On PH6-096, the queen won’t negotiate with the Lanteans because John and Elizabeth aren’t married to each other. According to the traditions on PH6-096, the political leader and the military leader must be united in marriage. Apparently it’s their way of preventing a military coup.
“Oh, come on,” Rodney shouts. “There is a very good chance that their database contains the instructions of how to build a ZedPM! You can’t possibly mean to throw that away just to get out of a fake marriage that won’t be legal anywhere other than here!”
“We’re not getting married, and that’s final,” John says. He’s been there, done that, and even if it’s just for show he has absolutely no interest in tying the knot again.
“John,” Elizabeth says, with that smile that makes UN representatives run over each other to make her happy. “Rodney has a point.”
John knows when he’s lost an argument.
For a wedding, it’s very nice. Rodney and Ford act as best men (although they’re smirking a little too much for John’s liking) and Teyla is a very pretty bridesmaid. There’s lots of good food and even better booze, and no one’s chasing anyone with pointy objects, which always counts as a win in John’s book. John is actually enjoying himself. That is, until he and Elizabeth are locked into a room together to consummate their marriage.
“Well,” John says, rubbing his sweaty palms on his pants. “This is awkward. They expect us to be here until... when?”
“Until dawn,” Elizabeth answers, sitting down on the (very big and very soft) bed. She’s looking beautiful in the traditional dress the queen supplied. It’s red and gold with black beads and has slits in all kinds of interesting places - or places John would find interesting if they had been attached to someone besides his boss.
“So.” He searches desperately for something to say. “Wanna play cards or something?”
It turns out that John just got married to a card shark. When the sun rises outside, Elizabeth owns not only his dessert for the next two months, but also his solemn promise to hand his mission reports in on time for the next four.
Actually, he can think of worse ways to spend a wedding night.
~ * ~
On PD4-178, Rodney makes a new friend.
“A little girl gave it to me!” he exclaims. ‘It’ is a not-quite kitten, furry and orange, with bright green eyes and very sharp teeth. John finds that out because when he tries to scratch its ears, it chomps down on his hand.
“You know the rules, Rodney,” John sighs, rubbing the bloody bite mark. “We can’t bring it back to Atlantis unless the xeno-biologists clear it.”
Rodney stubbornly holds on to the kitten. “It was a gift!” he says. “Do you want to insult these people by refusing a gift? We could cause a diplomatic incident, Major. It’s our duty to Atlantis to bring it back!”
That’s very ironic, because Rodney once single-handedly caused three diplomatic incidents before breakfast just by opening his mouth. John eyes the kitten warily. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he says. The bite mark itches and he rubs it again.
“It’s kind of cute,” Ford says. Rodney actually beams at him, keeping his possessive hold of the little monster.
The bite mark really itches. John looks down on his hand. It’s also very red and swollen. And he’s feeling a little off, like his knees have taken a sudden leave of absence. Also, the world seems to be slightly off-kilter.
“We’d better get back,” John slurs, reaching out to steady himself against the nearest available thing, which happens to be Teyla’s chest. She gently removes his hand.
“Major Sheppard, are you not feeling well?”
“I feel...” John says, trying to focus on her. For some reason, her face has gone from honey brown to green. That can’t be good. “I feel dizzy.” The green fades into purple. It’s a nice shade, but it doesn’t match her hair. “Can you stop changing colour, please? It’s very confusing.”
Teyla’s face goes from purple to yellow and also takes on a concerned expression. That’s when John’s knees give out completely and his multi-coloured world fades into black.
Ford has to carry him back to the ‘gate. Rodney’s kitten turns out to be a markat, a species that paralyses its prey before eating it. According to Teyla, it will grow up to be the size of a MALP.
John remains blissfully unaware of all this when he first wakes up in the infirmary to the sweet sound of Elizabeth chewing Rodney out.
“...know the rules, Rodney!”
“It was cuddly and cute! How was I supposed to know it was poisonous?”
“Rodney, if you want a pet, you can have one of Carson’s mice. No more trying to adopt alien predators, is that understood?”
John smiles and goes back to sleep.
~ * ~
On P55-443, Ford has to sit on top of a pole for a day and a night. It’s supposed to test his mental strength and concentration.
It is a very cold night, a high pole, and the platform on which Ford is sitting is small. At least the aliens let him take a blanket up there, but John still feels bad. He’s the leader, he should’ve volunteered first. But it was Ford’s turn to take care of the stupid alien ritual/ceremony/test/whatever. Still, neither of them sleeps very much that night.
Ford is shivering when he climbs down in the morning. As his feet touch the ground, he sneezes loudly into the crook of his elbow.
“Get away from me!” Rodney yelps, quickly backing off. “Keep your alien space-plague to yourself!”
The next time Ford sneezes, he specifically aims for Rodney.
~ * ~
On M66-007, the natives convince John to touch something weird and glowy. Thirty minutes later, he can hear people’s thoughts.
“Do you have to think so loud?” he asks Rodney. He’s already getting a headache and they’re not even back in Atlantis yet.
“Well, excuse me, Major, it’s not like I can just turn my brain off!” Rodney shouts back. “I told you to leave that thing alone, but no, you just couldn’t keep your hands to yourself.”
To be completely honest, Rodney’s thoughts are sort of nice. They’re running so fast that John can’t quite keep track on them, so they just fade into a soft background noise in his head. Ford, on the other hand, is thinking so hard about not thinking about porn that it’s almost funny. Almost. There are some things John doesn’t want to know about his 2IC
Getting back to the city is like being clobbered in the face with a two by four. There are people and thoughts everywhere, ruthlessly invading his brain.He feels a bit like throwing up before Teyla and Rodney grab him by the arms and walk him to the infirmary. He latches onto Rodney’s organised chaos and Teyla’s serene calm and manages to get there without incident.
Carson is almost worse than Ford. The second he finds out what happened on the planet, John’s mind is full of farmyard animals. Mostly sheep.
Rodney, Teyla and Ford go back to M66-007 to try to determine exactly what the device does and how long the effects will last. Meanwhile, John hides in his quarters. Word travels fast in Atlantis and every time he sticks his nose out the door, he gets strange looks.
The rest of his team come back from the planet bearing the news that the device is meant to inspire trust. It should wear off in a couple of days. John is ready to cry with relief. He hasn’t been able to sleep and he blames Sergeant Fisher’s nightmares about being chased by giant teletubbies.
When the telepathy wears off three days later, John finds he has a brand new appreciation for being alone in his own head. It takes another week for people to stop looking at him funny.
Damn aliens.
~ * ~
On P54-13D, John and Rodney are stipped naked, doused in honey, and tied to a tree overnight. It’s supposed to be a test of endurance. John is trying to figure out what to write in the mission report that won’t make them look like total losers.
“Do you ever get the feeling they keep doing this just to see how much stupid stuff we’re willing to put up with?” Rodney asks, wriggling against the ropes.
John stares out into the darkness. It’s a mild night and the natives let them keep their radios, just in case something should happen. He thinks about Teyla and Ford, who are back in the village enjoying good food and soft beds. An alien conspiracy actually seems very likely; Teyla never has to do anything like this.
“You might have a point there, buddy,” he says.
“I think something’s crawling up my leg,” Rodney says miserably. “Oh no, no, no, no. Something’s definitely crawling up my leg. Lots of somethings. Please tell me those are not ants?”
John sighs deeply. If they ever get back to Earth again, he’s going to kill O’Neill. Or at least cover him in some sweet sticky stuff and tie him to a tree.
- fin -