(no subject)
I'm posting this as public because, well. I think I've made one of my first major steps towards completely getting over him.
however, I'm going to put it behind a cut because I've realized a lot of people on my friendslist probably aren't interested in my relationships with people "irl."
plus, it's extremely extremely long.
I have to say, even though I have been feeling really shitty lately I'm actually kind of proud of myself with how I've been dealing with it. Comparing all my actions to those of my last break-up has made me realize just how much I've matured and learned to deal with my emotions this past year. The fact that the circumstances and reasons for both break-ups were so similar only makes my growth more apparent.
I'm not going to get super-wordy or analytical here... I feel like a simple list will get the job done just as effectively. [edit: lol nevermind, the writer in me kicked in] This will probably seem kind of repetitive, but whatever, the list is mainly so I have solid evidence I can look at to make myself feel better. immortalizing it, in a way.
last time I probably cried every day, up until he took me back again. hard, every day. as in bawling. so far (this being about three days after), I cried for a good solid two hours, give or take. but since then, while of course a few tears have still fallen (though the intensity of those cries were nothing like my main one, and usually only lasted about 5-10 minutes), I've found myself... just not needing to. because I don't dwell on it, which brings us to the next point.
last time, I tried to deal with it primarily by myself. I would sit there, brooding on everything. wondering what went wrong, what I had done, what I should have done. basically working myself up into a frenzy until I had a heartfull of assumptions and false hypotheses. yet, at the same time, I would harass him with emails and basically bear my entire soul as to how I was feeling.
immediately after this breakup, I called a friend. anyone. trevor. went to his house, talked a while, cried a while, he eventually decided to take me out to ice cream with his sister and that calmed me down enough to have a little fun just talking. went home, which was where my main cry took place. several hours later, I texted tristan s for the first time in probably a year just wanting to talk about him, which was probably one of the best moves I've made in a long time because I ended up going to his house and basically rescuing my friendships with not only him but kat too, which meant a lot to me.
but I got so much advice and realized so many things just talking with them, and even though at the time I desperately wanted to get back together with him, I would have had something to say instead of "yes."
and also, out of these talks, I realized how futile it was to spend such deep personal thought on issues like that. because I already know everything he's let me know. and thinking about them won't "unlock" special little secrets, or give me further understanding. all it does is hurt me more and make me feel shitty. analyzing things does absolutely nothing, and if I really think something was going on and need to hear about it, I should ask him firsthand and leave no room for doubt.
last time, I basically lived at his myspace page and on my email. I would constantly email, text him, whatever-- I was just desperate for contact. I wanted to know what he was up to. I think, basically, it just boiled down to the insecurity and despair of thinking (or knowing?) that he probably wasn't thinking of me anymore, just because we weren't in a relationship. and that I wanted him to think of me, I wanted to be on his mind, I wanted to know I existed within him outside of the times we were actually speaking one-on-one. so I would basically harass him. or internet stalk him. I wanted to know if he was talking about me, thinking about me, anything me.
this time, I had him change my myspace password so I didn't do the same thing. because I knew I would. and realistically, I actually did get impatient and hit the "lost password" thing and had it emailed to me. I know the password, I have full access to my myspace still. but, I think even though I figured it out, having him change my password still worked. because everytime I log in and have to enter it, I remember the reason I had him change it and I avoid his page. it's actually driven me to not even go on myspace as often, anymore, because I feel guilty and think "I shouldn't be on here."
I haven't sent him any emails or texts, either. though I have spoken with him maybe four times since then, only for a few minutes. one time needing further elaboration on a personal issue. the other two about a concert we were going to go to together, and if he still wanted to go, and the last about some of my belongings that he still had at his house.
and you know... what's really showed me my strength is the fact that, it isn't like I don't have the urges anymore. I still wish-- well, at this point, I don't anywhere near as strongly as before what happened an hour ago, though I haven't gotten to that yet-- that I had some sort of mental soup-can string attaching my mind to his so I just knew every little thought he had about me. but I've suppressed that.
and I guess that's every major difference that comes to mind right now.
but.
I was driving home from work today. and... ok, truthfully, I know this sounds like I'm rationalizing myself. I don't think it is. but of course, believe what you want to, I'm going to state it anyway.
I'm not going to call it a secret "hope" because it feels like something that has roots in reality. but just because of how similar this break-up was with our last one, so many ways I'm not going to get into currently, I've considered it a (small, miniscule, tiny!!! let me clarify that! this isn't a fifty-fifty thing, no fucking way, and I understand that) possibility that a few weeks down the road he might try to get back together with me. if anything, it would be because he would end up getting lonely and considered "us" as a sort of comfort zone. plus, he's even done it in the past with some of his exgirlfriends.
however, I've come to realize how unhealthy aspects of our relationship were (particularly in regards to how much of his shit I was putting up with that I would otherwise never seriously expect myself to, and how much of our relationship felt like I alone was carrying on my shoulders). and it had been bouncing around in my head a few days-- things I might have wanted to say, should he come to me to take me back. and I was thinking of my reasons.
and then I started speaking out loud, totally out of the blue, something I have never done before. in my car. speaking as if I were directly addressing him. full-blown conversation, but not in my head, outloud, and as if I were ignoring and speaking over him every time he tried to say something. and I told him what my problems were. and I told him no, no I wouldn't get back together with him.
--ok, shit, this is getting really hard to describe without putting anything about the actual issues I have with him. which I don't want to publicize, really, as I feel that the only time I would ever need to say them to him, and not anyone else, would be in the actual situation I was picturing. as I think he would take it so personally that it would ruin our friendship, even if I was just trying to clarify why I know we shouldn't get back together to make him feel more comfortable as a friend around me. and you know, it is personal. it is aspects of him I cannot tolerate, and are negative ideals I should not tolerate, that I did because I let my love for him blind me and lame me. but really, that's enough of that, I feel like I've already exposed too much of what I shouldn't be saying about it.
but the bottom line is this. merely an hour ago, I realized something. before, maybe "no" was a tiny possibility, I just knew that I would pull him aside and have an extremely serious talk about our problems and how we would change them before saying yes.
now, my accepting him as my boyfriend again would be an extremely small possibility. because I hadn't realize before, I guess, how unchangeable he was in many aspects. and how much I had forced myself to adapt to that, and took on so much more emotional baggage and tolerated so much more pain and hurt and jealousy than I needed to. and how if I did say yes... for whatever reason... it would probably be more of a testing period than an actual concrete "yes," just testing him to see if he was true to his word.
and I just felt different, inside, after that. about everything.
and I smiled and felt happy, almost. not happy. strong.
I felt strong.
and I need to feel strong, because all I've been feeling lately is purposeless and empty.
maybe I'm getting better.
however, I'm going to put it behind a cut because I've realized a lot of people on my friendslist probably aren't interested in my relationships with people "irl."
plus, it's extremely extremely long.
I have to say, even though I have been feeling really shitty lately I'm actually kind of proud of myself with how I've been dealing with it. Comparing all my actions to those of my last break-up has made me realize just how much I've matured and learned to deal with my emotions this past year. The fact that the circumstances and reasons for both break-ups were so similar only makes my growth more apparent.
I'm not going to get super-wordy or analytical here... I feel like a simple list will get the job done just as effectively. [edit: lol nevermind, the writer in me kicked in] This will probably seem kind of repetitive, but whatever, the list is mainly so I have solid evidence I can look at to make myself feel better. immortalizing it, in a way.
last time I probably cried every day, up until he took me back again. hard, every day. as in bawling. so far (this being about three days after), I cried for a good solid two hours, give or take. but since then, while of course a few tears have still fallen (though the intensity of those cries were nothing like my main one, and usually only lasted about 5-10 minutes), I've found myself... just not needing to. because I don't dwell on it, which brings us to the next point.
last time, I tried to deal with it primarily by myself. I would sit there, brooding on everything. wondering what went wrong, what I had done, what I should have done. basically working myself up into a frenzy until I had a heartfull of assumptions and false hypotheses. yet, at the same time, I would harass him with emails and basically bear my entire soul as to how I was feeling.
immediately after this breakup, I called a friend. anyone. trevor. went to his house, talked a while, cried a while, he eventually decided to take me out to ice cream with his sister and that calmed me down enough to have a little fun just talking. went home, which was where my main cry took place. several hours later, I texted tristan s for the first time in probably a year just wanting to talk about him, which was probably one of the best moves I've made in a long time because I ended up going to his house and basically rescuing my friendships with not only him but kat too, which meant a lot to me.
but I got so much advice and realized so many things just talking with them, and even though at the time I desperately wanted to get back together with him, I would have had something to say instead of "yes."
and also, out of these talks, I realized how futile it was to spend such deep personal thought on issues like that. because I already know everything he's let me know. and thinking about them won't "unlock" special little secrets, or give me further understanding. all it does is hurt me more and make me feel shitty. analyzing things does absolutely nothing, and if I really think something was going on and need to hear about it, I should ask him firsthand and leave no room for doubt.
last time, I basically lived at his myspace page and on my email. I would constantly email, text him, whatever-- I was just desperate for contact. I wanted to know what he was up to. I think, basically, it just boiled down to the insecurity and despair of thinking (or knowing?) that he probably wasn't thinking of me anymore, just because we weren't in a relationship. and that I wanted him to think of me, I wanted to be on his mind, I wanted to know I existed within him outside of the times we were actually speaking one-on-one. so I would basically harass him. or internet stalk him. I wanted to know if he was talking about me, thinking about me, anything me.
this time, I had him change my myspace password so I didn't do the same thing. because I knew I would. and realistically, I actually did get impatient and hit the "lost password" thing and had it emailed to me. I know the password, I have full access to my myspace still. but, I think even though I figured it out, having him change my password still worked. because everytime I log in and have to enter it, I remember the reason I had him change it and I avoid his page. it's actually driven me to not even go on myspace as often, anymore, because I feel guilty and think "I shouldn't be on here."
I haven't sent him any emails or texts, either. though I have spoken with him maybe four times since then, only for a few minutes. one time needing further elaboration on a personal issue. the other two about a concert we were going to go to together, and if he still wanted to go, and the last about some of my belongings that he still had at his house.
and you know... what's really showed me my strength is the fact that, it isn't like I don't have the urges anymore. I still wish-- well, at this point, I don't anywhere near as strongly as before what happened an hour ago, though I haven't gotten to that yet-- that I had some sort of mental soup-can string attaching my mind to his so I just knew every little thought he had about me. but I've suppressed that.
and I guess that's every major difference that comes to mind right now.
but.
I was driving home from work today. and... ok, truthfully, I know this sounds like I'm rationalizing myself. I don't think it is. but of course, believe what you want to, I'm going to state it anyway.
I'm not going to call it a secret "hope" because it feels like something that has roots in reality. but just because of how similar this break-up was with our last one, so many ways I'm not going to get into currently, I've considered it a (small, miniscule, tiny!!! let me clarify that! this isn't a fifty-fifty thing, no fucking way, and I understand that) possibility that a few weeks down the road he might try to get back together with me. if anything, it would be because he would end up getting lonely and considered "us" as a sort of comfort zone. plus, he's even done it in the past with some of his exgirlfriends.
however, I've come to realize how unhealthy aspects of our relationship were (particularly in regards to how much of his shit I was putting up with that I would otherwise never seriously expect myself to, and how much of our relationship felt like I alone was carrying on my shoulders). and it had been bouncing around in my head a few days-- things I might have wanted to say, should he come to me to take me back. and I was thinking of my reasons.
and then I started speaking out loud, totally out of the blue, something I have never done before. in my car. speaking as if I were directly addressing him. full-blown conversation, but not in my head, outloud, and as if I were ignoring and speaking over him every time he tried to say something. and I told him what my problems were. and I told him no, no I wouldn't get back together with him.
--ok, shit, this is getting really hard to describe without putting anything about the actual issues I have with him. which I don't want to publicize, really, as I feel that the only time I would ever need to say them to him, and not anyone else, would be in the actual situation I was picturing. as I think he would take it so personally that it would ruin our friendship, even if I was just trying to clarify why I know we shouldn't get back together to make him feel more comfortable as a friend around me. and you know, it is personal. it is aspects of him I cannot tolerate, and are negative ideals I should not tolerate, that I did because I let my love for him blind me and lame me. but really, that's enough of that, I feel like I've already exposed too much of what I shouldn't be saying about it.
but the bottom line is this. merely an hour ago, I realized something. before, maybe "no" was a tiny possibility, I just knew that I would pull him aside and have an extremely serious talk about our problems and how we would change them before saying yes.
now, my accepting him as my boyfriend again would be an extremely small possibility. because I hadn't realize before, I guess, how unchangeable he was in many aspects. and how much I had forced myself to adapt to that, and took on so much more emotional baggage and tolerated so much more pain and hurt and jealousy than I needed to. and how if I did say yes... for whatever reason... it would probably be more of a testing period than an actual concrete "yes," just testing him to see if he was true to his word.
and I just felt different, inside, after that. about everything.
and I smiled and felt happy, almost. not happy. strong.
I felt strong.
and I need to feel strong, because all I've been feeling lately is purposeless and empty.
maybe I'm getting better.