At a loss for words

[zoarazul]

I had an interesting discussion with a friend over lunch today. I'm almost certain that she understood what I was saying about her situation, but when I tried to relay the content of the conversation to another, mutual, aware-of-everything friend, he misunderstood me completely. I'm not willing to chalk it up to a gender difference (or, at least

Comments

[artistatlarge]

By "material" do you perhaps mean "real threat" as opposed to "imaginary threat based on the other person's prejudices/insecurities"?

I've read your post a couple of times through and I'm not getting any closer than that. It's also hard to pinpoint it without more concrete information, though of course the need for privacy and discretion is completely understandable.

[zoarazul]

Well, by "material" I do mean "real" ... so maybe I've got that half figured out.

But I guess my point is that the other person's perception of a threat (generated by whatever internal motivations) is equally legitimate.

I think where things are getting confusing is in the identification of the recipient of the threat. In both cases, the threat isn't to a person, but to the quality of the relationship. In this example, the material threat to the relationship could be the husband getting it on with a porn starlet (like I said, it's pretty far-flung threat). A more real threat to the relationship is the fact that the wife (my friend) is absolutely torn up about it. Her degree of upset, and her husband's reaction to it, is compromising their level of intimacy

"I don't care if he thinks you're nuts .. you care about it, so that makes it important."

[artistatlarge]

Bingo! I think we have a winner! *confetti falls*

No matter why your friend is upset- whether her fears (which is what I'm getting here) are justified or not, you're very astute in noting that her husband's dismissal of her feelings is the Big Bug.

Having your concerns invalidated like that is just poison. Not to mention, really rude.

So much better to hear- "if you have a problem, it's *our* problem, so let's talk about it." The understanding that in a relationship so intimate, what impacts one person deeply is also impacting Team We.

I'm really sorry your friend is going through this, and I hope it gets sorted out- no matter what the trigger is, no matter how valid her concerns may be, I have to say the husband sounds to be a little bone-headed about it. You're a good friend to be supportive of her, and surely she appreciates that.

And don't worry about lacking the words in the moment. English is a very clunky, non-user-friendly language when it comes to feelings and emotions. Don't you think?

Re: "I don't care if he thinks you're nuts .. you care about it, so that makes it important."

[zoarazul]

Exactement. :-)

(loved the confetti image, btw!)

[mycrazyhair]

When I first read your post, I thought the distinction was "substantive" vs. "perceived". A substantive issue is one that actually affects the relationship. Examples include one person saying something mean with the intent to hurt. A perceived issue is one where the recipient perceives that the action negatively affects the relationship, even if the intent is not there on the part of the person whose actions are in question.

But on reading the comments, I don't think that's what you were getting at.

[zoarazul]

It's not ... but in the ongoing quest to find the right word -- if only for my own mental satisfaction -- I think "substantive" is much better than "material." :-)