Ugh.
did I tell you I cut back on my meds to half? ya. it's not working out.
I've been sitting here for two hours staring at the computer trying to do something and ending up doing nothing and that's been the status quo for about a month and a half now.
I just... don't do anything. I have to go back to my bigger dose. this is just...I haven't been this bad in YEARS. I get up, I work I'm come home I do nothing then I sleep and do it all again the next day. on the weekends, I just sleep. Like full on wake up at 9, have some coffee, fuck around a bit on the internet, have a nap from 11-4, fuck around on the internet some more. maybe make another pot of coffee and then just try to kill time until it's bedtime. I'm not writing, I'm not really even reading.... I just... screw around on the internet because I don't want to do anything.
ugh.
I thought that if I lowered my dosage I would be able to lose some weight and that's not happening either so now I'm just even more unhappy and I was so mad at my dogs today which never happens. I get frustrated with them but today I was legit MAD at them. I was so upset and the house is a disaster and I don't even have a FUCKING FRYING PAN to make eggs [and I don't even LIKE eggs, they set off my OCD and make me a little crazy at best, but felt like I should EAT THEM but then I couldn't because NO FUCKING FRYING PAN other than our GIANT ONE and it just made me SO MAD and then my sister was like JUST USE THE BIG ONE and I'm like WHAT A WASTE I DON'T WANT TO USE THE BIG ONE I WANT THE SMALLER ONE AND JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHY DO YOU HAVE NINE ROLLS OF MENTOS JUST CLUTTERING UP THIS DRAWER AND WEHN WILL YOU THROW OUT THIS DEAD PLANT THAT YOUR STUDENTS GAVE YOU BUT YOU NEVER FUCKING WATER??? LOOK AT ALL THIS JUNK AND CRAP AND WHY IS THIS ALL SO HARD AND MESSY AND I JUST WANT TO DESTROY STUFF]
and then I wanted to just cry.
so clearly, the dosing down thing isn't working out. I guess I'm going back up to my regular dose tomorrow. it feels like failure even though I know it's not. People keep asking how the second book is going and I'm like "GREAT" insert (brittle/crazy lady smile) "Chipping away at it" even though I'm not and I wish they'd STOP ASKING even though I recognize at the same time that it's so nice they care and are asking. But then I feeling like a LYING LIAR WHO LIES and that just puts this BIG spotlight on the gap between what I feel and what I pretend to feel so that no one notices and....
Fuck. Back to regular dose tomorrow, I guess. JFC. it took MONTHS to get down to a half dose and I'm just. Angry. really fucking angry.
though that's probably because I'm not on the right dose. FUCK.
I've been sitting here for two hours staring at the computer trying to do something and ending up doing nothing and that's been the status quo for about a month and a half now.
I just... don't do anything. I have to go back to my bigger dose. this is just...I haven't been this bad in YEARS. I get up, I work I'm come home I do nothing then I sleep and do it all again the next day. on the weekends, I just sleep. Like full on wake up at 9, have some coffee, fuck around a bit on the internet, have a nap from 11-4, fuck around on the internet some more. maybe make another pot of coffee and then just try to kill time until it's bedtime. I'm not writing, I'm not really even reading.... I just... screw around on the internet because I don't want to do anything.
ugh.
I thought that if I lowered my dosage I would be able to lose some weight and that's not happening either so now I'm just even more unhappy and I was so mad at my dogs today which never happens. I get frustrated with them but today I was legit MAD at them. I was so upset and the house is a disaster and I don't even have a FUCKING FRYING PAN to make eggs [and I don't even LIKE eggs, they set off my OCD and make me a little crazy at best, but felt like I should EAT THEM but then I couldn't because NO FUCKING FRYING PAN other than our GIANT ONE and it just made me SO MAD and then my sister was like JUST USE THE BIG ONE and I'm like WHAT A WASTE I DON'T WANT TO USE THE BIG ONE I WANT THE SMALLER ONE AND JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHY DO YOU HAVE NINE ROLLS OF MENTOS JUST CLUTTERING UP THIS DRAWER AND WEHN WILL YOU THROW OUT THIS DEAD PLANT THAT YOUR STUDENTS GAVE YOU BUT YOU NEVER FUCKING WATER??? LOOK AT ALL THIS JUNK AND CRAP AND WHY IS THIS ALL SO HARD AND MESSY AND I JUST WANT TO DESTROY STUFF]
and then I wanted to just cry.
so clearly, the dosing down thing isn't working out. I guess I'm going back up to my regular dose tomorrow. it feels like failure even though I know it's not. People keep asking how the second book is going and I'm like "GREAT" insert (brittle/crazy lady smile) "Chipping away at it" even though I'm not and I wish they'd STOP ASKING even though I recognize at the same time that it's so nice they care and are asking. But then I feeling like a LYING LIAR WHO LIES and that just puts this BIG spotlight on the gap between what I feel and what I pretend to feel so that no one notices and....
Fuck. Back to regular dose tomorrow, I guess. JFC. it took MONTHS to get down to a half dose and I'm just. Angry. really fucking angry.
though that's probably because I'm not on the right dose. FUCK.