(no subject)
Todd had never thought he'd have to go without his best friend. It made him miss him desperately; he'd never taken him for granted, of course-he certainly had appreciated the little things about him, like how he always made him think about what he was doing and helped him see the broad picture of things, how he would look over his homework in mock-casualty to make sure that Todd always did alright, how he'd always encourage him and never put him down, and his deeply sarcastic sense of humor-but appreciating and actually going without are two very different things. And Todd missed his best friend desperately.<
The worst part, for Todd, was that he'd seen it coming; how Ashton slowly avoided spending time with him, and instead spent more time with Wes and even Frankie, how he'd leave because he'd have something to do whenever Todd would try to join in, and how he never met him in the eyes anymore. He'd seen it. And he'd had no idea what to do, because he had no idea why Ashton was avoiding him.
And he'd never thought this would have happened.
Todd missed his best friend desperately. He'd never, ever considered that Ashton would ever leave his life, for any reason. He'd never considered that he would avoid him. He'd never considered that they would grow apart, because Ashton was such an integral part of his life. It hadn't ever been a possibility in his mind. The one thing he was always able to count on was Ashton being there.
Todd's heart ached when he thought about losing Ashton; thought about them going through the halls and not looking at each other, thought about awkward conversations as mere acquaintances, thought about watching Ashton live his life without him. He could deal with anything, anything at all, except that. To be in the same room with someone who he had been so close to and to not talk to him, not even say "hi", hardly look at him, was the worst thought to him.
Maybe Todd was being stupid. Maybe he was supposed to be a man and let it go-maybe these kinds of things were supposed to be things only girls cared about. Todd didn't care-he'd always had the horribly idealistic idea that you were supposed to stand by your friends, no matter what they were going through. That you were supposed to always be there for them. Maybe he was a fool, but he couldn't deal with this.
Ashton and Wes sat in the library, talking and laughing a few tables away from him. It was really hard not to be jealous-so hard, in fact, that Todd wholeheartedly failed at it. He was jealous. Insanely jealous. So jealous that his jealousy was a fire, a raging fire, burning and consuming everything it touched instantly, so completely that there weren't even ashes left.
Frankie sat next to them, concentrated on her homework (Todd was ignoring the existence of his own homework, and the nagging thought that instead of concentrating on petty feelings, he should be concentrating on completing it), and Todd thought she looked a little annoyed. She looked over at Wes and Ashton sharply-something Todd had never seen her do-said something, picked up her things, and stalked over to Todd's table.
She plopped down on the seat opposite of him, obstructing his view of Ashton, who, last he'd seen, was staring, pale & stunned, at Frankie's back.
"Why don't you go over and talk to them?" Frankie asked softly, not even bothering to open her books back up.
Todd blinked at her. "Ashton's avoiding me."
Frankie stared at him, a gaze to intense that he could hardly stand it. It was like her eyes were laying bare every feeling he'd tried to keep a secret.
"I know that. What I'm asking is why you don't go over there and tell him that he's being disgustingly inconsiderate and selfish. Punch him in his stupid face. Tell him that you'd never thought he'd be such a prick." Todd stared at her in awe. Frankie was pissed. Usually she was worlds more calm than she was, even in the oddest situations, and about a thousand times more eloquent.
"But I don't even know what's wrong. I don't know what I did. I don't know anything . . ."
Frankie exhaled a long, calming breath, and Todd could swear he felt searing heat from it, saw smoke trails leave her nostrils.
"I never thought he could be so weak," she said, and suddenly, Todd knew that she knew far more about what was really going on than he did. He felt so far away from the people that he was closest to.
"Aren't you angry?" She asked. "Don’t you care? Are you just going to let him go without at least breaking his stupid nose?" She was indignant.
Todd glanced at the floor. "'Course I'm mad," He said, in little more than a whisper. "He doesn't even talk to me before, when I thought we were best friends. Instead he just ignores me and goes off with people he had never really been close with, which makes me question everything about our friendship, and of course I never thought to make any more friends, so that's nice, too . . ." Todd paused, collecting himself. "It never even entered my mind that he would ditch me like this." Her eyebrows narrowed.
"And he just goes along selfishly, not even considering . . ." she clipped her sentence and glanced out the window behind Todd, her eyes distant. Todd again got the feeling that she knew far more about the situation than he did.
"You need to talk to him," she stated with what seemed absolute certainty. Todd blanched.
"But if he doesn't want to be friends anymore, what can I do, really?" She stared at him with a furrowed brow and the deepest sympathy, which made him regret even talking about it. He could have just ignored it & dealt, but talking about it made him feel . . . shameful. Weak. Petty. Idiotic.
"Look," he started. "Things like this happen every day, right? I just need to buck up and . . ." Frankie smacked her hand against the desk, completely disrupting the quiet of the library, and reeling around to look back at Ashton.
"You think you know everything, and you think you can just slip away without notice, but you're wrong on both counts. It is amazing to me how little thought you're putting in to this, how inconsiderate you're being, how . . . I don't even have words." She slid her chair back and stood up to face Ashton. "Maybe I'm overreacting, but I don't think so, and you disappointed me so . . . unimaginably. I just never thought you could be such a selfish prick." And with that, she strode out of the library.
Ashton paled and, for a brief moment, his eyes met Todd's; a surge of indefinable emotion thrummed through him, but was gone in a second, and Ashton's eyes were once again gazing elsewhere. Everyone in the library within earshot of Frankie's tirade looked shocked, except for Wes. He was just calmly observing Ashton, and then his gaze was on Todd. He smirked.
Fury shot through Todd's being, and for a moment, he had to remember that Wes was his friend. Had been his friend. Something horribly confusing.
He quickly gathered his books and strode out from the library, not even glancing or giving any hint of acknowledging Ashton's existence.
It had been five days since the Scene in the Library, and Todd was getting fed up. Ashton still hadn't said a word to him, and the only reason Todd knew that Ashton was aware of his existence was that sometimes, he would catch him staring at him.
He was really tired of it.
If Ashton really didn't want anything to do with him anymore, why didn't he just tell him already? If he still did, but Todd had done something wrong, why wouldn't he just talk to him? Why was he just running from it?
Although, Todd did have to admit, it did appear that he was running, too. Todd hadn't spoken to him. Todd, like apparently Ashton, would merely glance at him every now-and-then, trying to figure the other boy out. But Todd didn't think he was running.
Todd simply wanted Ashton to pull up his bootstraps and deal with the situation. Todd didn't want to be drug along anymore. Todd just wanted to know what the fuck was going on. And, he wanted Ashton to chase him. Wanted to know that he cared enough to go after him himself, instead of letting things dissipate.
Finally, Todd had had enough. He set his pencil down, closed his book on his assignment, and, leaving it at the table, he walked over to where Wes and Ashton sat, trying to exude much more confidence than he felt.
At Ashton's look, he thought he might have succeeded.
"Can I talk to you?" Todd asked, keeping his voice even but strong, trying not to let it show how fast his heart was beating, that he could hear it like a war drum pounding in his ears, or the small ripple of nausea that so often followed his anxiety. He'd thought he saw Todd pale in color a bit.
"Okay," was all he got in reply, and he'd thought he'd heard a bit of nervousness or uncertainty in Ashton's voice, and that gave him a bitter sort of pleasure.
Todd turned to head out of the common room without giving a glance back to Ashton, though he could hear him following behind. Todd held open the door to the hallway for him without looking at him.
The click of the common room door back into its place seemed to echo throughout the hallways, the only sound he could hear. Todd's nerves seemed to have propagated, for they were about a thousand times more intense than they had been just five seconds ago. It seemed forever before Todd could finally get his voice to work, and he didn't even know what he was saying.
"Todd-" Ashton started, before he could speak. Todd simply talked over him.
"I understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore. . . . Well, that's a bit of a lie, because I don't even really know what I did wrong," He was talking to the floor, his voice quiet but far too firm from the effort of trying to keep it even and hold back his emotions. It had the opposite effect. "I mean, I do know that around the time this whole thing started, I had been showing interest in Mackenzie, so maybe it has something to do with her?" Todd speculated.
"But I really had hoped that, at least, you'd tell me-"
"Todd, you don't-"
"Just shut up." Todd finally met Ashton's gaze and he quickly made to obey Todd's command. The tone in Todd's voice had surprised himself.
"That-that you don't want to be friends because of something I did-I can somewhat maybe understand," Todd continued. "But what I don't understand is why you go through all of this, why you wouldn't tell me or talk to me or try to work it out after everything. I mean, if you didn't want to be friends anymore, why couldn't you have just told me? I don't even know why. I don't even know what I did. Better than that, why, if it was only going to come to this, didn't you just end it sooner?" Todd stopped for a breath.
"I just don't get it at all. If it is Mackenzie that was the problem . . . I just don't understand. Why wouldn't you just tell me that you didn't like her? Why go through this whole thing? I just don't get it. I mean . . . if you could so easily end everything just because of that, were you lying to me this whole time? Pretending?" Todd took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair, once again staring at the ever-entrancing floor. He tried to calm himself down, because he didn't want to start crying, but he could feel angry tears stinging his eyes and god, he was being such a girl. Weak, weak, weak, weak, weak.
From his peripheral vision, Todd saw Ashton take a step towards him.
"I never lied to you," he said in a soft whisper.
Todd chuckled darkly. "Please don't make this any more confusing. I just want the truth."
Ashton took another step towards Todd until they were directly in front of each other and grabbed Ashton's hand.
Todd's body knew what was coming a good whole minute before his mind caught up. He saw Ashton drawing nearer, felt the soft press of his lips against his, and it felt like a soft jolt of electricity shot through his body.
It was over before it began, Ashton pulled away almost as soon as he'd pressed his lips against Todd's, but it had also felt like an eternity, and Todd's thought process had halted entirely.
He took a step back from Ashton, one hand covering his mouth and a fierce blush on his cheeks.
"What."
"If you want the truth, I guess it would be that I want you too much."
Todd stopped, just stopped, slowly letting the words sink in. It was a very long process; apparently, Ashton thought so, too, because he felt the need to help it along.
"I love you," he said.
That didn't help Todd along.
"I guess I have for a very long time. Looking back, I should have realized it a long time ago, I mean, now it's really obvious to me," he laughed nervously. "Not that this is exactly a new revelation, of course. I've known for a while. But I should have known even sooner . . ."
"So you ditch me without even saying goodbye?" Todd had finally caught up to the situation, and he was angrier than he had been originally. "So you just decide to go off on your own and push me away without asking me what I want? You just decide not to deal with it at all and run away?"
Ashton met Todd's fierce gaze with a look that could have been pleading, or sadness, or shame, but he didn't look away. Todd really wanted him to, he wanted to see him avert his eyes to the floor, but he didn't.
"I-I didn't-"
"You didn't think," Todd started. "About anyone but yourself. You didn't even consider that I might not want you out of my life. That I could deal with it. You just assumed."
"I'm sorry-"
"What infuriates me now is that you seemed to think that I could just be fine with losing you or something. That I would accept it, or eventually have to, or whatever you thought. But I don't want to. You're my best friend, I love you," he said, then promptly turned red.
"Maybe not in the way you love me," he quickly clarified. "But I do."
"But what you don't understand," Ashton carried on, "is that it's hard."
Todd blushed and took a cautious step backward, one arm tucked under the other, whose fingers still rested against his mouth.
"What is?" he asked. Ashton shot him a look of indignation, but ignored him.
"Being around you sometimes," he said. Todd's face fell.
They stood silent a while, neither knowing what really to say, before Todd carried on.
"I want to be friends with you, no matter what," he said. When Ashton didn't reply, he carried on. "I don't mean to criticize you," he said, his gaze meeting Ashton's again, "And I've never been in love, so maybe I don't know anything and don't have any right to talk, but I think that if I loved someone, I'd want to be in their life, no matter what. I'd want to spend all the time with them that I could, even if it wasn't the way I maybe wanted. I'd want to be a prominent person in their life, and if it couldn't be as a lover, I'd go for the next best thing. But I don't think I'd ever want to be away from them."
Ashton regarded him for a few moments, quietly and without betraying any emotion but an unsettling softness, before he spoke with a small smile.
"But you're a special sort of person," Ashton said, but when he smiled, seemingly in defeat, Ashton was a bit confused as to what he really meant.
"Forgive me for being frank, but let me get this straight. It shouldn't be too difficult to conclude, too much of a shock, that because of my feelings, I fantasize, masturbate, and check you out frequently, that you're the object of my every physical and emotional desire. And you're perfectly okay with this as long as you can have me as a friend?"
Todd was crimson.
"I didn't really want to think about that," he started, disgruntled, "But I care about you more than I care about who you're interested in, even if it's me. I can easily pretend that you don't."
Ashton was smiling like he often did when he thought Todd was being horribly naïve or knew something that Todd didn't, but he didn't say anything. He just shrugged, slumped an arm around Todd's shoulders, and made to lead them back into the common room before Todd realized, "You stole my first kiss," with nothing less than the greatest dismay & absolute disbelief at the fact.
Ashton didn't look even the least bit sorry for it.
I need to re-read this when I'm actually sane, it's probaby ghastly. I wrote it when I was tired to keep me awake, and decided it was a good idea to edit it in the same situation, like a genius.
They're characters I've had for a while, have very little plans for, and who seem to be destroying what plans I did have for them. They're going the opposite direction than what I had wanted them to. Before I wrote this, I only knew (well, I still only know) very little about the story. All I had was some of their relatives, their basic personalities & looks, and the opening scene to Todd's story, and how he was supposed to end up which is the thing that's going in the opposite direction.
Ah, this is definitely not the opening, by the way. This is quite a ways along in Todd's story. & I'm sort of obsessed with Harry Potter, that's why there's a common room... but the story/atmosphere/everything is waaaaay different from it. Well, what few things I'm considering for it, anyways.
But yeah. Lots of things bother me about this that I'm too lazy to fix right now and I just want to post it for some reason, in hopes that maybe I'll want to actually finish/trim it up and not abandon it like I always do.
There are a few things I'm not quite sure seem plausible, like Frankie's reaction and Todd's, also (hallway-scene). I just went off of a daydream I had about Ashton & Todd, and filled in what I hadn't had with things I'd daydreamed on the spot. Maybe I just need more in-between clarification, maybe it's because it's a random thing from the middle of their story (which is going to be LONG, I'm sure) that I wanted to write... maybe I won't really know how well it goes before I write the beginning and really get a taste for the characters, but I have no idea where the plot's going to go and AUGH. I typed that AGUH originally. I think that also fits with my sentiment.
I don't even know if it makes sense why Todd cares so much (but that could be because it's a snippet without back story rather than starting from the beginning, too). I know that /I/ care that much about my friends... I just don't know, and when I think about it my brain feels like goop. I've realized a big problem of mine is not being able to decide on things, and, in the case of stories, staying with a path that might not be the best because I get unsure about changing it. Worried that it wouldn't be quite as good, I guess, when in a lot of cases it might be better.
Oddly, it's really easy for me to decide things for other people. Lol.
Also rambling when I'm tired.
I have a kitten in my lap (3 weeks old, long haired grayish tabby with eyes about half as big as her face and hair you can fluff up into a fauxhawk, with ears that curl inward slightly. Her name is Draco after the Draco in A Very Potter Musical/Sequel (esp. the scene where he's writing to Luscious (not a typo) with a crayon >W<) but we call her Tumblebutt all the time because she tumbles everywhere).
Jacque's over, sleepin, I'm trying to stay awake all day so I can wake up in time to go to my grandma's at 10am because she has some jobs for me to do and FUCKYEAHMONEY, I guess same old story, really. I seem to always post when I'm falling-off-my-ass tired.
I've been playing this MMO, Forsaken World, which is by the makers of Perfect World but not as crazy, and missing WoW. Which is pretty pathetic, especially when you take in to consideration that I'm not at all good at it (WoW, but FW/PW as well). Dungeons I just don't know because I've never done, don't want to do because WoW people intimidate me horribly and I don't want to party with douches which EVERYONE on there seems like (they are either trolls, wanna-be trolls, SUPER CRITICAL and throw a bitch fit if you don't know exactly what you're doing, or want to take advantage of you it seems like. And I'm already horrible with people so I just put on my turtle shell and slip away into oblivion. Of course, I've only deduced this from what I read on the in-game-chat... but whatever. It's enough to make me not want to do dungeons until I understand them completely, but I can't do that unless I play them and AHHH).
But we stalked this one guy on this server who started a guild that's really popular. It was REALLY hilarious even though he didn't react at all... at one point we just put him on follow and left to go make food, and just wanted to see where we ended up (when on follow, it likes to run you into walls and break the follow command a LOT). Just... no words for how much fun we had doing that. And Jacque's character is DoubleRainbow (a male Kindred Vampire with soft pink hair), and her pet is named OMG so when you see her pet's name it's:
OMG
(DoubleRainbow) which is pretty brilliant. And then my character is LustfulUnicorn who is a (male) Kindred Assassin. I just like the name LustfulUnicorn... it makes me laugh a lot.
See, rambles when tired. GEEZE THE RANT AFTER THE STORY IS LIKE A STORY ITSELF I'm just. stopping.
The worst part, for Todd, was that he'd seen it coming; how Ashton slowly avoided spending time with him, and instead spent more time with Wes and even Frankie, how he'd leave because he'd have something to do whenever Todd would try to join in, and how he never met him in the eyes anymore. He'd seen it. And he'd had no idea what to do, because he had no idea why Ashton was avoiding him.
And he'd never thought this would have happened.
Todd missed his best friend desperately. He'd never, ever considered that Ashton would ever leave his life, for any reason. He'd never considered that he would avoid him. He'd never considered that they would grow apart, because Ashton was such an integral part of his life. It hadn't ever been a possibility in his mind. The one thing he was always able to count on was Ashton being there.
Todd's heart ached when he thought about losing Ashton; thought about them going through the halls and not looking at each other, thought about awkward conversations as mere acquaintances, thought about watching Ashton live his life without him. He could deal with anything, anything at all, except that. To be in the same room with someone who he had been so close to and to not talk to him, not even say "hi", hardly look at him, was the worst thought to him.
Maybe Todd was being stupid. Maybe he was supposed to be a man and let it go-maybe these kinds of things were supposed to be things only girls cared about. Todd didn't care-he'd always had the horribly idealistic idea that you were supposed to stand by your friends, no matter what they were going through. That you were supposed to always be there for them. Maybe he was a fool, but he couldn't deal with this.
Ashton and Wes sat in the library, talking and laughing a few tables away from him. It was really hard not to be jealous-so hard, in fact, that Todd wholeheartedly failed at it. He was jealous. Insanely jealous. So jealous that his jealousy was a fire, a raging fire, burning and consuming everything it touched instantly, so completely that there weren't even ashes left.
Frankie sat next to them, concentrated on her homework (Todd was ignoring the existence of his own homework, and the nagging thought that instead of concentrating on petty feelings, he should be concentrating on completing it), and Todd thought she looked a little annoyed. She looked over at Wes and Ashton sharply-something Todd had never seen her do-said something, picked up her things, and stalked over to Todd's table.
She plopped down on the seat opposite of him, obstructing his view of Ashton, who, last he'd seen, was staring, pale & stunned, at Frankie's back.
"Why don't you go over and talk to them?" Frankie asked softly, not even bothering to open her books back up.
Todd blinked at her. "Ashton's avoiding me."
Frankie stared at him, a gaze to intense that he could hardly stand it. It was like her eyes were laying bare every feeling he'd tried to keep a secret.
"I know that. What I'm asking is why you don't go over there and tell him that he's being disgustingly inconsiderate and selfish. Punch him in his stupid face. Tell him that you'd never thought he'd be such a prick." Todd stared at her in awe. Frankie was pissed. Usually she was worlds more calm than she was, even in the oddest situations, and about a thousand times more eloquent.
"But I don't even know what's wrong. I don't know what I did. I don't know anything . . ."
Frankie exhaled a long, calming breath, and Todd could swear he felt searing heat from it, saw smoke trails leave her nostrils.
"I never thought he could be so weak," she said, and suddenly, Todd knew that she knew far more about what was really going on than he did. He felt so far away from the people that he was closest to.
"Aren't you angry?" She asked. "Don’t you care? Are you just going to let him go without at least breaking his stupid nose?" She was indignant.
Todd glanced at the floor. "'Course I'm mad," He said, in little more than a whisper. "He doesn't even talk to me before, when I thought we were best friends. Instead he just ignores me and goes off with people he had never really been close with, which makes me question everything about our friendship, and of course I never thought to make any more friends, so that's nice, too . . ." Todd paused, collecting himself. "It never even entered my mind that he would ditch me like this." Her eyebrows narrowed.
"And he just goes along selfishly, not even considering . . ." she clipped her sentence and glanced out the window behind Todd, her eyes distant. Todd again got the feeling that she knew far more about the situation than he did.
"You need to talk to him," she stated with what seemed absolute certainty. Todd blanched.
"But if he doesn't want to be friends anymore, what can I do, really?" She stared at him with a furrowed brow and the deepest sympathy, which made him regret even talking about it. He could have just ignored it & dealt, but talking about it made him feel . . . shameful. Weak. Petty. Idiotic.
"Look," he started. "Things like this happen every day, right? I just need to buck up and . . ." Frankie smacked her hand against the desk, completely disrupting the quiet of the library, and reeling around to look back at Ashton.
"You think you know everything, and you think you can just slip away without notice, but you're wrong on both counts. It is amazing to me how little thought you're putting in to this, how inconsiderate you're being, how . . . I don't even have words." She slid her chair back and stood up to face Ashton. "Maybe I'm overreacting, but I don't think so, and you disappointed me so . . . unimaginably. I just never thought you could be such a selfish prick." And with that, she strode out of the library.
Ashton paled and, for a brief moment, his eyes met Todd's; a surge of indefinable emotion thrummed through him, but was gone in a second, and Ashton's eyes were once again gazing elsewhere. Everyone in the library within earshot of Frankie's tirade looked shocked, except for Wes. He was just calmly observing Ashton, and then his gaze was on Todd. He smirked.
Fury shot through Todd's being, and for a moment, he had to remember that Wes was his friend. Had been his friend. Something horribly confusing.
He quickly gathered his books and strode out from the library, not even glancing or giving any hint of acknowledging Ashton's existence.
It had been five days since the Scene in the Library, and Todd was getting fed up. Ashton still hadn't said a word to him, and the only reason Todd knew that Ashton was aware of his existence was that sometimes, he would catch him staring at him.
He was really tired of it.
If Ashton really didn't want anything to do with him anymore, why didn't he just tell him already? If he still did, but Todd had done something wrong, why wouldn't he just talk to him? Why was he just running from it?
Although, Todd did have to admit, it did appear that he was running, too. Todd hadn't spoken to him. Todd, like apparently Ashton, would merely glance at him every now-and-then, trying to figure the other boy out. But Todd didn't think he was running.
Todd simply wanted Ashton to pull up his bootstraps and deal with the situation. Todd didn't want to be drug along anymore. Todd just wanted to know what the fuck was going on. And, he wanted Ashton to chase him. Wanted to know that he cared enough to go after him himself, instead of letting things dissipate.
Finally, Todd had had enough. He set his pencil down, closed his book on his assignment, and, leaving it at the table, he walked over to where Wes and Ashton sat, trying to exude much more confidence than he felt.
At Ashton's look, he thought he might have succeeded.
"Can I talk to you?" Todd asked, keeping his voice even but strong, trying not to let it show how fast his heart was beating, that he could hear it like a war drum pounding in his ears, or the small ripple of nausea that so often followed his anxiety. He'd thought he saw Todd pale in color a bit.
"Okay," was all he got in reply, and he'd thought he'd heard a bit of nervousness or uncertainty in Ashton's voice, and that gave him a bitter sort of pleasure.
Todd turned to head out of the common room without giving a glance back to Ashton, though he could hear him following behind. Todd held open the door to the hallway for him without looking at him.
The click of the common room door back into its place seemed to echo throughout the hallways, the only sound he could hear. Todd's nerves seemed to have propagated, for they were about a thousand times more intense than they had been just five seconds ago. It seemed forever before Todd could finally get his voice to work, and he didn't even know what he was saying.
"Todd-" Ashton started, before he could speak. Todd simply talked over him.
"I understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore. . . . Well, that's a bit of a lie, because I don't even really know what I did wrong," He was talking to the floor, his voice quiet but far too firm from the effort of trying to keep it even and hold back his emotions. It had the opposite effect. "I mean, I do know that around the time this whole thing started, I had been showing interest in Mackenzie, so maybe it has something to do with her?" Todd speculated.
"But I really had hoped that, at least, you'd tell me-"
"Todd, you don't-"
"Just shut up." Todd finally met Ashton's gaze and he quickly made to obey Todd's command. The tone in Todd's voice had surprised himself.
"That-that you don't want to be friends because of something I did-I can somewhat maybe understand," Todd continued. "But what I don't understand is why you go through all of this, why you wouldn't tell me or talk to me or try to work it out after everything. I mean, if you didn't want to be friends anymore, why couldn't you have just told me? I don't even know why. I don't even know what I did. Better than that, why, if it was only going to come to this, didn't you just end it sooner?" Todd stopped for a breath.
"I just don't get it at all. If it is Mackenzie that was the problem . . . I just don't understand. Why wouldn't you just tell me that you didn't like her? Why go through this whole thing? I just don't get it. I mean . . . if you could so easily end everything just because of that, were you lying to me this whole time? Pretending?" Todd took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair, once again staring at the ever-entrancing floor. He tried to calm himself down, because he didn't want to start crying, but he could feel angry tears stinging his eyes and god, he was being such a girl. Weak, weak, weak, weak, weak.
From his peripheral vision, Todd saw Ashton take a step towards him.
"I never lied to you," he said in a soft whisper.
Todd chuckled darkly. "Please don't make this any more confusing. I just want the truth."
Ashton took another step towards Todd until they were directly in front of each other and grabbed Ashton's hand.
Todd's body knew what was coming a good whole minute before his mind caught up. He saw Ashton drawing nearer, felt the soft press of his lips against his, and it felt like a soft jolt of electricity shot through his body.
It was over before it began, Ashton pulled away almost as soon as he'd pressed his lips against Todd's, but it had also felt like an eternity, and Todd's thought process had halted entirely.
He took a step back from Ashton, one hand covering his mouth and a fierce blush on his cheeks.
"What."
"If you want the truth, I guess it would be that I want you too much."
Todd stopped, just stopped, slowly letting the words sink in. It was a very long process; apparently, Ashton thought so, too, because he felt the need to help it along.
"I love you," he said.
That didn't help Todd along.
"I guess I have for a very long time. Looking back, I should have realized it a long time ago, I mean, now it's really obvious to me," he laughed nervously. "Not that this is exactly a new revelation, of course. I've known for a while. But I should have known even sooner . . ."
"So you ditch me without even saying goodbye?" Todd had finally caught up to the situation, and he was angrier than he had been originally. "So you just decide to go off on your own and push me away without asking me what I want? You just decide not to deal with it at all and run away?"
Ashton met Todd's fierce gaze with a look that could have been pleading, or sadness, or shame, but he didn't look away. Todd really wanted him to, he wanted to see him avert his eyes to the floor, but he didn't.
"I-I didn't-"
"You didn't think," Todd started. "About anyone but yourself. You didn't even consider that I might not want you out of my life. That I could deal with it. You just assumed."
"I'm sorry-"
"What infuriates me now is that you seemed to think that I could just be fine with losing you or something. That I would accept it, or eventually have to, or whatever you thought. But I don't want to. You're my best friend, I love you," he said, then promptly turned red.
"Maybe not in the way you love me," he quickly clarified. "But I do."
"But what you don't understand," Ashton carried on, "is that it's hard."
Todd blushed and took a cautious step backward, one arm tucked under the other, whose fingers still rested against his mouth.
"What is?" he asked. Ashton shot him a look of indignation, but ignored him.
"Being around you sometimes," he said. Todd's face fell.
They stood silent a while, neither knowing what really to say, before Todd carried on.
"I want to be friends with you, no matter what," he said. When Ashton didn't reply, he carried on. "I don't mean to criticize you," he said, his gaze meeting Ashton's again, "And I've never been in love, so maybe I don't know anything and don't have any right to talk, but I think that if I loved someone, I'd want to be in their life, no matter what. I'd want to spend all the time with them that I could, even if it wasn't the way I maybe wanted. I'd want to be a prominent person in their life, and if it couldn't be as a lover, I'd go for the next best thing. But I don't think I'd ever want to be away from them."
Ashton regarded him for a few moments, quietly and without betraying any emotion but an unsettling softness, before he spoke with a small smile.
"But you're a special sort of person," Ashton said, but when he smiled, seemingly in defeat, Ashton was a bit confused as to what he really meant.
"Forgive me for being frank, but let me get this straight. It shouldn't be too difficult to conclude, too much of a shock, that because of my feelings, I fantasize, masturbate, and check you out frequently, that you're the object of my every physical and emotional desire. And you're perfectly okay with this as long as you can have me as a friend?"
Todd was crimson.
"I didn't really want to think about that," he started, disgruntled, "But I care about you more than I care about who you're interested in, even if it's me. I can easily pretend that you don't."
Ashton was smiling like he often did when he thought Todd was being horribly naïve or knew something that Todd didn't, but he didn't say anything. He just shrugged, slumped an arm around Todd's shoulders, and made to lead them back into the common room before Todd realized, "You stole my first kiss," with nothing less than the greatest dismay & absolute disbelief at the fact.
Ashton didn't look even the least bit sorry for it.
I need to re-read this when I'm actually sane, it's probaby ghastly. I wrote it when I was tired to keep me awake, and decided it was a good idea to edit it in the same situation, like a genius.
They're characters I've had for a while, have very little plans for, and who seem to be destroying what plans I did have for them. They're going the opposite direction than what I had wanted them to. Before I wrote this, I only knew (well, I still only know) very little about the story. All I had was some of their relatives, their basic personalities & looks, and the opening scene to Todd's story, and how he was supposed to end up which is the thing that's going in the opposite direction.
Ah, this is definitely not the opening, by the way. This is quite a ways along in Todd's story. & I'm sort of obsessed with Harry Potter, that's why there's a common room... but the story/atmosphere/everything is waaaaay different from it. Well, what few things I'm considering for it, anyways.
But yeah. Lots of things bother me about this that I'm too lazy to fix right now and I just want to post it for some reason, in hopes that maybe I'll want to actually finish/trim it up and not abandon it like I always do.
There are a few things I'm not quite sure seem plausible, like Frankie's reaction and Todd's, also (hallway-scene). I just went off of a daydream I had about Ashton & Todd, and filled in what I hadn't had with things I'd daydreamed on the spot. Maybe I just need more in-between clarification, maybe it's because it's a random thing from the middle of their story (which is going to be LONG, I'm sure) that I wanted to write... maybe I won't really know how well it goes before I write the beginning and really get a taste for the characters, but I have no idea where the plot's going to go and AUGH. I typed that AGUH originally. I think that also fits with my sentiment.
I don't even know if it makes sense why Todd cares so much (but that could be because it's a snippet without back story rather than starting from the beginning, too). I know that /I/ care that much about my friends... I just don't know, and when I think about it my brain feels like goop. I've realized a big problem of mine is not being able to decide on things, and, in the case of stories, staying with a path that might not be the best because I get unsure about changing it. Worried that it wouldn't be quite as good, I guess, when in a lot of cases it might be better.
Oddly, it's really easy for me to decide things for other people. Lol.
Also rambling when I'm tired.
I have a kitten in my lap (3 weeks old, long haired grayish tabby with eyes about half as big as her face and hair you can fluff up into a fauxhawk, with ears that curl inward slightly. Her name is Draco after the Draco in A Very Potter Musical/Sequel (esp. the scene where he's writing to Luscious (not a typo) with a crayon >W<) but we call her Tumblebutt all the time because she tumbles everywhere).
Jacque's over, sleepin, I'm trying to stay awake all day so I can wake up in time to go to my grandma's at 10am because she has some jobs for me to do and FUCKYEAHMONEY, I guess same old story, really. I seem to always post when I'm falling-off-my-ass tired.
I've been playing this MMO, Forsaken World, which is by the makers of Perfect World but not as crazy, and missing WoW. Which is pretty pathetic, especially when you take in to consideration that I'm not at all good at it (WoW, but FW/PW as well). Dungeons I just don't know because I've never done, don't want to do because WoW people intimidate me horribly and I don't want to party with douches which EVERYONE on there seems like (they are either trolls, wanna-be trolls, SUPER CRITICAL and throw a bitch fit if you don't know exactly what you're doing, or want to take advantage of you it seems like. And I'm already horrible with people so I just put on my turtle shell and slip away into oblivion. Of course, I've only deduced this from what I read on the in-game-chat... but whatever. It's enough to make me not want to do dungeons until I understand them completely, but I can't do that unless I play them and AHHH).
But we stalked this one guy on this server who started a guild that's really popular. It was REALLY hilarious even though he didn't react at all... at one point we just put him on follow and left to go make food, and just wanted to see where we ended up (when on follow, it likes to run you into walls and break the follow command a LOT). Just... no words for how much fun we had doing that. And Jacque's character is DoubleRainbow (a male Kindred Vampire with soft pink hair), and her pet is named OMG so when you see her pet's name it's:
OMG
(DoubleRainbow) which is pretty brilliant. And then my character is LustfulUnicorn who is a (male) Kindred Assassin. I just like the name LustfulUnicorn... it makes me laugh a lot.
See, rambles when tired. GEEZE THE RANT AFTER THE STORY IS LIKE A STORY ITSELF I'm just. stopping.