RP!Log
Characters: IC!Mahaado and OOC!Mahaado
Setting: Mahaado's roof
Rating: PG
Summary: Mado came to yell at Mahaado about his recent (and unfulfilled) urge to drink himself to death. They have a rather enlightening conversation, and Mahaado has a little epiphany.
Mado went looking for Mahaado after reading the whole exchange on the journals. It was either that, or going after Mokuba.
Mahaado was easy enough to find. After the shouting match with his ka, he had gone up on the roof. It was quiet up there.
Mado teleported there. "Time to talk Mahaado. What is going on?"
"Is it not blatantly obvious that I am up here because I wish to avoid talking?" he glanced upward from where he sat on the edge of the roof.
"And you think I'm going to care that you want to avoid talking because...?"
"Kafele is still fiercely guarding the bottle of Darkmoon Reserve." Mahaado sighed. "But either way, he is correct. I will not put him in danger, and therefore I will leave the matter be for now."
"Where the fuck is all this Darkmoon Reserve coming from?! I swear every time I think I've gotten rid of the last bottle you find another." Mado exclaimed. "So what is the matter? What's gotten you so riled up that you're after alcohol to escape it and Kafele's threatening to spellbind you again?"
"I believe you could say I have 'fan-dwarves. And the reason behind my seeking their drink of choice... that is of little consequence now."
"It's not of little consequence. Spill it."
"Do you believe one should be punished for his wrongdoings against the kingdom?"
Mado sighed. He could see where this was likely going. "Yes, but in your case that would depend on whether what you did was actually worth being punished for. And if it was, if you hadn't been punished enough already."
"Then you can gather my motivation, and could likely have done so without even asking. Kafele is correct. I would rather allow harm to be inflicted on myself than allow someone else to be harmed. I have internalized such severe punishment for vulnerability to the point that I will bring myself pain and use it to justify why such vulnerability must be suppressed. And yet I cannot deny it any more than I can deny Kafele's entire existence. Are we finished yet, other me?"
"No. Because you're hurting the people around you even though you think you're not."
"Which I then use to justify my insistence that a sorcerer is meant to lead a solitary existence, causing those around me more grief and more pain, and hurting me again in return. Are we finished yet, other me?"
Mado glanced away, letting out a sharp exhale. It took everything he had to resist either hitting Mahaado or grabbing and shaking him. "All right, let's take Delwyn for example. Do you want to know why it is you hurt her? It's not that you were unable to save her loved ones - it's the fact that you still blame yourself almost a year later. It's the fact that you're always so hard on yourself. She's crazy about you, and you keep pushing her away. The thing is, it doesn't have to keep going on like that."
"But it will continue like that, simply because of one crucial fact - when it all boils down, I am exactly like the spoiled brat." Mahaado shouted.
If the shouting didn't catch Mado off guard, the words sure as hell would.
Mado blinked. That certainly was unexpected. "What the fuck are you talking about?! Like hell you're like Mokuba!"
"Our conversation revealed something very telling. We share a few characteristics that neither of us are willing to admit. And the more I think on it, the more I cannot ignore it. He asked me about those meetings, he threatened and guilted me, he even went drinking, all because of one thing - I believe he is actually afraid. He is afraid of facing the realization that he is changing, the world around him is changing... And I... I certainly do not act on it in the same way, but the motivation is no different. My world has changed, and is changing dramatically. And I am afraid."
He paused.
"We all see him cling to the same selfish attitude, the same crude and careless behavior. It is no different than what I do - desperately clinging to something, anything, as every single aspect of who I was and what I was has been called into question." Mahaado looked over the edge of the building. "Are you content now, other me?"
"Look, there's a difference between you and Mokuba," he sighed. "Mokuba is a selfish ass. You were taken from the world you knew and dropped off three thousand years later. You cling because it's known and familiar. That still makes you and him worlds apart. Besides...isn't there ANYTHING about this place and all these changes happening to you that you like? Anything at all?"
"If you were to ask me if I would rather remain here amidst the uncertainty and pain or return to my own time to meet my own death in the service of an equally selfish pharaoh, it is by no means an easy choice!" he countered. "And that, other me, is not because I am a sorcerer. It is because I am a human being! I am a scared, I am confused. I am human! Is that enough for you?!"
"...And there's something wrong with be human all of a sudden? You think there have been times I haven't been scared?"
Of course there was something wrong with it, at least in Mahaado's world. But he said it. And he meant it, whether it was wrong or not.
"That doesn't make you any less of a sorcerer, and the only reason it's a problem for you right now is because you can't bloody well accept it! You can be human and sorcerer at the same damn time - the only thing stopping you is YOU!"
Mahaado stood, and his eye flashed a brilliant shade of red. "So be it." he growled. "For now. That is enough."
"So that's it, huh? Everyone gets to be happy and content but you because of fear?"
Mahaado stepped up on the ledge, turning to face the rest of the city. The sun was setting, and there was a beauty in it that resembled that of Delwyn's favorite cliffside. "I believe you misunderstood me. I did not say that."
"Enlighten me then."
"I admitted that the fear is real. I declared, with strength and conviction, the existence of a human side to myself. So for now, yes. I am content." He turned around. "The only one up here that cannot accept that, so it seems, is YOU." Mahaado actually smiled as he lifted his arms and simply let himself fall backwards off the edge of the roof.
"Well you have a funny way of showing it," Mado called after him, walking to the edge of the roof.
Of course, he had teleported before he hit the ground.
silverbluedreams (10:33:22 PM): (well he's not a therapist even though he sometimes tries to be)
Omega19x (10:34:39 PM): (he shouldn't quit his day job.)
Omega19x (10:34:50 PM): (err... what IS his day job anyway?)
silverbluedreams (10:34:59 PM): (saving your ass?)
Omega19x (10:35:05 PM): (yeah, please don't quit that)
Setting: Mahaado's roof
Rating: PG
Summary: Mado came to yell at Mahaado about his recent (and unfulfilled) urge to drink himself to death. They have a rather enlightening conversation, and Mahaado has a little epiphany.
Mado went looking for Mahaado after reading the whole exchange on the journals. It was either that, or going after Mokuba.
Mahaado was easy enough to find. After the shouting match with his ka, he had gone up on the roof. It was quiet up there.
Mado teleported there. "Time to talk Mahaado. What is going on?"
"Is it not blatantly obvious that I am up here because I wish to avoid talking?" he glanced upward from where he sat on the edge of the roof.
"And you think I'm going to care that you want to avoid talking because...?"
"Kafele is still fiercely guarding the bottle of Darkmoon Reserve." Mahaado sighed. "But either way, he is correct. I will not put him in danger, and therefore I will leave the matter be for now."
"Where the fuck is all this Darkmoon Reserve coming from?! I swear every time I think I've gotten rid of the last bottle you find another." Mado exclaimed. "So what is the matter? What's gotten you so riled up that you're after alcohol to escape it and Kafele's threatening to spellbind you again?"
"I believe you could say I have 'fan-dwarves. And the reason behind my seeking their drink of choice... that is of little consequence now."
"It's not of little consequence. Spill it."
"Do you believe one should be punished for his wrongdoings against the kingdom?"
Mado sighed. He could see where this was likely going. "Yes, but in your case that would depend on whether what you did was actually worth being punished for. And if it was, if you hadn't been punished enough already."
"Then you can gather my motivation, and could likely have done so without even asking. Kafele is correct. I would rather allow harm to be inflicted on myself than allow someone else to be harmed. I have internalized such severe punishment for vulnerability to the point that I will bring myself pain and use it to justify why such vulnerability must be suppressed. And yet I cannot deny it any more than I can deny Kafele's entire existence. Are we finished yet, other me?"
"No. Because you're hurting the people around you even though you think you're not."
"Which I then use to justify my insistence that a sorcerer is meant to lead a solitary existence, causing those around me more grief and more pain, and hurting me again in return. Are we finished yet, other me?"
Mado glanced away, letting out a sharp exhale. It took everything he had to resist either hitting Mahaado or grabbing and shaking him. "All right, let's take Delwyn for example. Do you want to know why it is you hurt her? It's not that you were unable to save her loved ones - it's the fact that you still blame yourself almost a year later. It's the fact that you're always so hard on yourself. She's crazy about you, and you keep pushing her away. The thing is, it doesn't have to keep going on like that."
"But it will continue like that, simply because of one crucial fact - when it all boils down, I am exactly like the spoiled brat." Mahaado shouted.
If the shouting didn't catch Mado off guard, the words sure as hell would.
Mado blinked. That certainly was unexpected. "What the fuck are you talking about?! Like hell you're like Mokuba!"
"Our conversation revealed something very telling. We share a few characteristics that neither of us are willing to admit. And the more I think on it, the more I cannot ignore it. He asked me about those meetings, he threatened and guilted me, he even went drinking, all because of one thing - I believe he is actually afraid. He is afraid of facing the realization that he is changing, the world around him is changing... And I... I certainly do not act on it in the same way, but the motivation is no different. My world has changed, and is changing dramatically. And I am afraid."
He paused.
"We all see him cling to the same selfish attitude, the same crude and careless behavior. It is no different than what I do - desperately clinging to something, anything, as every single aspect of who I was and what I was has been called into question." Mahaado looked over the edge of the building. "Are you content now, other me?"
"Look, there's a difference between you and Mokuba," he sighed. "Mokuba is a selfish ass. You were taken from the world you knew and dropped off three thousand years later. You cling because it's known and familiar. That still makes you and him worlds apart. Besides...isn't there ANYTHING about this place and all these changes happening to you that you like? Anything at all?"
"If you were to ask me if I would rather remain here amidst the uncertainty and pain or return to my own time to meet my own death in the service of an equally selfish pharaoh, it is by no means an easy choice!" he countered. "And that, other me, is not because I am a sorcerer. It is because I am a human being! I am a scared, I am confused. I am human! Is that enough for you?!"
"...And there's something wrong with be human all of a sudden? You think there have been times I haven't been scared?"
Of course there was something wrong with it, at least in Mahaado's world. But he said it. And he meant it, whether it was wrong or not.
"That doesn't make you any less of a sorcerer, and the only reason it's a problem for you right now is because you can't bloody well accept it! You can be human and sorcerer at the same damn time - the only thing stopping you is YOU!"
Mahaado stood, and his eye flashed a brilliant shade of red. "So be it." he growled. "For now. That is enough."
"So that's it, huh? Everyone gets to be happy and content but you because of fear?"
Mahaado stepped up on the ledge, turning to face the rest of the city. The sun was setting, and there was a beauty in it that resembled that of Delwyn's favorite cliffside. "I believe you misunderstood me. I did not say that."
"Enlighten me then."
"I admitted that the fear is real. I declared, with strength and conviction, the existence of a human side to myself. So for now, yes. I am content." He turned around. "The only one up here that cannot accept that, so it seems, is YOU." Mahaado actually smiled as he lifted his arms and simply let himself fall backwards off the edge of the roof.
"Well you have a funny way of showing it," Mado called after him, walking to the edge of the roof.
Of course, he had teleported before he hit the ground.
silverbluedreams (10:33:22 PM): (well he's not a therapist even though he sometimes tries to be)
Omega19x (10:34:39 PM): (he shouldn't quit his day job.)
Omega19x (10:34:50 PM): (err... what IS his day job anyway?)
silverbluedreams (10:34:59 PM): (saving your ass?)
Omega19x (10:35:05 PM): (yeah, please don't quit that)