July 31st

[zonobia]

 Dad would have been 56 today. I would have called him. We would have talked. He would have asked how Ashton's doing. Tell me to blow on his belly a little for him. Maybe tickle his feet. We would have talked about our jobs being teachers, how they are the same, how they're different. We would have talked about Ashton's first birthday coming out.

Comments

[idolatrieartist]

I am so ...sorry...
I understand your loss far too well...

But if you think about it- to feel so strongly means that he meant SO much to you- Missing him is loving him still. His loss helps you to not take for granted- everything around you that you have now- right down to the happy quiet sounds of your house when it is late and everyone is safe and asleep- to the delicious smells of morning and a new day... Kiss your family lots and take comfort in them.

Your Dad would not want you to feel so sad...

(Lovely post... it hits me deeply...)

XoxoxoX
J a n e
(Missing my mother and my cat...)
http://www.xanga.com/idolatrieartist

[zonobia]

Thank you for your words, I actually cried while reading. I just get such a strong urge to call him still - 1 1/2 years later. Maybe it sounds twisted, but sometimes I think if I just pick up the phone and call, he'll answer and everything will be okay.

I get so sad that my dad never even knew I was pregnant (I found out, literally, weeks after he died), and I wonder how he would have been with a grandson. God, I'm making my self sad again....

I'm taking your wonderful advice and I'm staying positive. thank you again for your comforting words. Reading it really did help me to feel better.

[goddessmikhail]

Hugs beautiful. Loosing people never gets easier-but the pain does slowly fade. After a few years my wounds are still fresh so I understand. Just know, you are not alone.

[zonobia]

Thank you Mikhail. Your support always makes me feel so much better. I'm okay most of the time, but obviously certain 'triggers' seem make me spiral down....birthdays....holidays are always there, but sometimes just seeing a commercial about a father and daughter/son, or Michael mentioning that he needs to call his dad, or even the birthday card section at the grocery store those seem to be even worse at times.

I know it's probably all *normal* in the realm of healing.

[goddessmikhail]

I am glad sweetie-if I can help anyone then it makes me feel better too.I know exactly what you mean-somedays are better than others and somedays I come close to just loosing it with the pain. I see the same stuff and feel either sad, bitter or angry. I get really made when people even remotely talk down about their parents. I feel like screaming "well at least you have parents to bitch about" but I find my calm again and go back to normal. At least for me, I have made it through the dying stuff-I mean being obsessed with death-thinking I was going to die or dreaming stuff...those times I think are my most difficult. This is why I say you are not alone-sometimes I feel very alone and I think loosing a parent increases our adulthood. I always felt like a big kid-till they were gone.

[zonobia]

I really can't imagine losing both of my parents, and I can't imagine what you've gone through compared to what I have. But it's an inspiration for me to see how strong you've remained through it all. I too have the urge to *speak out* when I hear someone (even my students!) talk about how mad or disapointed they are at their father.....just gotta step back, take a deep breath.

But, I can't say it enough....thank you.

[black_chamber]

I don't know if it will help to tell you, but I've been wanting to kick my brother in the nuts lately. I still can't believe he's gone and I am angry that I don't get to share all the great things that have happened since he passed. I think you'll get resolution to your feelings once in a while, but they'll come back, maybe slightly less painful than before. The feeling of loss subsides over time, but will come back at the most inopportune times

[zonobia]

That was great. Thank you so much. I think you put into words a lot of things that I was having trouble articulating.

From Lea

[anonymous]

I love you.