(no subject)
I had a dream last night. I never really remember my dreams, but this one I remembered.
The whole dream started out like a comic book, around late May of 2005. I was kind of depressed, for some reason. I knew that the best thing I could do for myself would be to kill myself, because I was depressed. I tried killing myself once, by hacking most of my left arm off, but I didn't get enough of the artery or something. I just ended up in the hospital with a badly damaged arm. Someone was there, talking to me about all this -- he was sort of like my "other" from I Heart Huckabees -- and he even looked like Mark Wahlberg -- and he told me that I should hurry up and finish the job. I waited until the nurses left my room, found a scalpel, and hacked away more at my arm, trying to make it bleed. Eventually, I got it, and blacked out as a monitor-like voice told me that if I didn't do something soon, I would surely bleed to death. I embraced my fate and prepared to die.
Eventually, I woke back up. I noticed that my arm was fully restored, somehow. I was able to get up, and I found the same nurse who had been tending to my wounds earlier. She was wearing different clothes, and was really surprised to see me. I asked her how long I had been out for, and she told me that I had been in a coma for a year. It was now mid May of 2006.
I was pretty scared of what people would think of someone who had tried to kill themselves, and failed, but I knew that I needed to get back to the remains of my life. I called my family, first, but I don't remember what happened with that. Then, I tried to call Melissa, but I couldn't, because my cell phone had died. (Of course it had died, I had left it on when I tried to kill myself, and it had been on for nigh a year.) My family came to the hospital, and the only distinct thing I remember (besides happy hugging) was my dad asking me if I would be living with my little brother next year at NNU. It hit me then that he would be a freshman in the 2006-2007 year, and I would have graduated, had I not been in a coma. I realized that I would be at NNU for a fifth year, which was a huge problem because Melissa wouldn't.
I started to panic a little bit, but I went back to NNU. I went to Olsen D3, since that was to be our apartment, to find a bunch of people sitting in the living room. All three of my roommates were conspicuously absent from this dream entirely. In the living room was the likes of Gwen, Bekah, Annie, Kevin, and one or two people that I didn't recognize. I asked how everyone was doing, and they seemed happy. Gwen specifically commented on how good I looked -- which was weird, because I remember thinking previously that I looked really good. Kevin was happy, and I think he told me why, but I don't remember. Annie was beaming because she had a new boyfriend to tell me about. Gwen was still star-struck with LA, and she had some sort of plans to go live there and do cool stuff, kind of like she's doing now. Rhett wasn't there because he was out delivering pizzas, but he sent word that he was glad I was OK, along with some additional profanities. Bekah was there, and was happy because she had finally found a perfect balance for her own personal life in what she could take on without being too stressed.
I asked Gwen how Mel was doing, and she said that Mel was in New York. (Note: for those who don't know, she is in New York right now, at a history seminar.) Almost afraid to hear the answer, I asked if Mel had moved on to another guy; much to my relief, Gwen said that Mel had waited faithfully and had never wanted anything but to be with me when I came to. Then Gwen said that Mel had changed a good deal, and that she fell in love with New York sometime while I was in the coma and she had decided she needed to live there. Of course, she wanted me to move to New York with her when I woke up. As soon as she said that Mel had changed while I was in the coma, my heart shattered; the idea that Mel had grown without me terrified me that we would have grown apart. I tried to figure out how we would be together since she wanted to be in New York so badly, and I now had to stay in Nampa for an extra year with the fellow super-seniors.
About this time, the inconsistencies in my dream began to break the reality just enough that I woke up. I immediately sat up -- it was about 8:30, an hour before I actually had to be awake -- and started panicking at the idea that I had somehow lost Mel. She left her pillow at my house while she was in New York; I frantically found it and started clutching it to me, like a lost child looking for security. In a few minutes, I calmed down, got a drink of water, and went back to sleep.
As I was typing this dream into the LJ blog, I realized a lot of things about it. I think the basic premise was sparked by the fact that I got an e-mail from Becky Schiermeier last night. The whole thing is quite reminiscent of her situation, in a lot of ways. Pretty much everything else is also a composition of things that are real now, and things that I expect to happen by the end of next year. In a lot of ways, I do feel like everyone else (and most specifically to the individuals who showed up in the dream) is moving on somehow, and I am doing absolutely nothing with my life this summer. The only part that I cannot find the basis for is me being afraid that Mel and I are growing apart. Perhaps this is just indicative of how strongly I have been feeling for her in the last few months.
To those who made it through that entry, congratulations. More than anything, I wanted to get the dream and my commentary on it out in the journal before it left my memory for good. The weird part is that it wasn't surreal at all, especially after I woke back up. Now, I just have to figure out if that reveals to me anything about my feelings toward any of the numerous subjects in the dream, and if I need to do anything.
Maybe I just need to get off my butt, stop playing World of WarCraft, and live?
The whole dream started out like a comic book, around late May of 2005. I was kind of depressed, for some reason. I knew that the best thing I could do for myself would be to kill myself, because I was depressed. I tried killing myself once, by hacking most of my left arm off, but I didn't get enough of the artery or something. I just ended up in the hospital with a badly damaged arm. Someone was there, talking to me about all this -- he was sort of like my "other" from I Heart Huckabees -- and he even looked like Mark Wahlberg -- and he told me that I should hurry up and finish the job. I waited until the nurses left my room, found a scalpel, and hacked away more at my arm, trying to make it bleed. Eventually, I got it, and blacked out as a monitor-like voice told me that if I didn't do something soon, I would surely bleed to death. I embraced my fate and prepared to die.
Eventually, I woke back up. I noticed that my arm was fully restored, somehow. I was able to get up, and I found the same nurse who had been tending to my wounds earlier. She was wearing different clothes, and was really surprised to see me. I asked her how long I had been out for, and she told me that I had been in a coma for a year. It was now mid May of 2006.
I was pretty scared of what people would think of someone who had tried to kill themselves, and failed, but I knew that I needed to get back to the remains of my life. I called my family, first, but I don't remember what happened with that. Then, I tried to call Melissa, but I couldn't, because my cell phone had died. (Of course it had died, I had left it on when I tried to kill myself, and it had been on for nigh a year.) My family came to the hospital, and the only distinct thing I remember (besides happy hugging) was my dad asking me if I would be living with my little brother next year at NNU. It hit me then that he would be a freshman in the 2006-2007 year, and I would have graduated, had I not been in a coma. I realized that I would be at NNU for a fifth year, which was a huge problem because Melissa wouldn't.
I started to panic a little bit, but I went back to NNU. I went to Olsen D3, since that was to be our apartment, to find a bunch of people sitting in the living room. All three of my roommates were conspicuously absent from this dream entirely. In the living room was the likes of Gwen, Bekah, Annie, Kevin, and one or two people that I didn't recognize. I asked how everyone was doing, and they seemed happy. Gwen specifically commented on how good I looked -- which was weird, because I remember thinking previously that I looked really good. Kevin was happy, and I think he told me why, but I don't remember. Annie was beaming because she had a new boyfriend to tell me about. Gwen was still star-struck with LA, and she had some sort of plans to go live there and do cool stuff, kind of like she's doing now. Rhett wasn't there because he was out delivering pizzas, but he sent word that he was glad I was OK, along with some additional profanities. Bekah was there, and was happy because she had finally found a perfect balance for her own personal life in what she could take on without being too stressed.
I asked Gwen how Mel was doing, and she said that Mel was in New York. (Note: for those who don't know, she is in New York right now, at a history seminar.) Almost afraid to hear the answer, I asked if Mel had moved on to another guy; much to my relief, Gwen said that Mel had waited faithfully and had never wanted anything but to be with me when I came to. Then Gwen said that Mel had changed a good deal, and that she fell in love with New York sometime while I was in the coma and she had decided she needed to live there. Of course, she wanted me to move to New York with her when I woke up. As soon as she said that Mel had changed while I was in the coma, my heart shattered; the idea that Mel had grown without me terrified me that we would have grown apart. I tried to figure out how we would be together since she wanted to be in New York so badly, and I now had to stay in Nampa for an extra year with the fellow super-seniors.
About this time, the inconsistencies in my dream began to break the reality just enough that I woke up. I immediately sat up -- it was about 8:30, an hour before I actually had to be awake -- and started panicking at the idea that I had somehow lost Mel. She left her pillow at my house while she was in New York; I frantically found it and started clutching it to me, like a lost child looking for security. In a few minutes, I calmed down, got a drink of water, and went back to sleep.
As I was typing this dream into the LJ blog, I realized a lot of things about it. I think the basic premise was sparked by the fact that I got an e-mail from Becky Schiermeier last night. The whole thing is quite reminiscent of her situation, in a lot of ways. Pretty much everything else is also a composition of things that are real now, and things that I expect to happen by the end of next year. In a lot of ways, I do feel like everyone else (and most specifically to the individuals who showed up in the dream) is moving on somehow, and I am doing absolutely nothing with my life this summer. The only part that I cannot find the basis for is me being afraid that Mel and I are growing apart. Perhaps this is just indicative of how strongly I have been feeling for her in the last few months.
To those who made it through that entry, congratulations. More than anything, I wanted to get the dream and my commentary on it out in the journal before it left my memory for good. The weird part is that it wasn't surreal at all, especially after I woke back up. Now, I just have to figure out if that reveals to me anything about my feelings toward any of the numerous subjects in the dream, and if I need to do anything.
Maybe I just need to get off my butt, stop playing World of WarCraft, and live?