Looking Back

[zukosphoenix]

I've been looking back at past entries, ones about the divorce and such, and it's been enlightening, to say the least. I scanned and realized that one thing I didn't talk about in detail was my complete nervous breakdown that happened in summer 2012. I realize now that I didn't write about it, because I mentally couldn't. I'm not even sure I

Comments

[lin4gondor]

My dearest dear! Thanks so much for sharing this, I sensed you had a rough time after the divorce, but I didn't know it was so bad! I'm thankful for that concert, as it gave you something to draw you back, something to aim for that was a strong enough pull that it helped you do things that must have been very, very hard.

I'm sure it must be frightening to feel that every time you have a panic attack, it might be leading to the next breakdown. I'm definitely keeping you in mind and praying against another breakdown! <3 <3 <3

[zukosphoenix]

It was a pretty brutal time. My mind felt like Gettysburg; soaked with blood and littered with bodies at times. It's probably a little simplistic to say that a concert saved me, but it kind of did, which is why, even though Kendall from BTR and Heffron Drive often pisses me off these days, he's also one of the big reasons I'm here. So I both love and hate him for that, but whatever.

Without that goal, I don't know if I could have done it. Anne had booked her trip from Luxembourg to here, I couldn't let her down. I couldn't let myself down, and I had to get better for Brynn.

Never wanna do that again, Lin. Not ever. And I love you and know you love me. <3 x infinity

[meneleth]

Sweetie, I had no idea! What a horrible and terrifying time for you. I'm glad you're doing so much better. I have a small sense of what you're feeling about fearing another breakdown. Having lost my father and three of his siblings to Alzheimer's, I am terrified when I think that may be in my future. Sending lots of virtual {{{hugs}}} your way.

[zukosphoenix]

I can completely understand your fears; they're very real, and it's scary to wonder what your brain might do if it decides to rebel, or just shut down, to an extent. Mine did both, and I've worked with memory care patients; it's both pure love and heartbreak at the same time.

The brain-break was, as a phrase I once read said "Gradual, then sudden." (Might be Sylvia Plath). I was not okay, then more not okay, then really not okay, then flattened. Never want to go through that again. (((((C )))))

[kseenaa]

I had no idea it was that bad. That it was bad, yes. But not to that level. You are amazingly brave to share this. Thank you. And you do have a support system, that I can see. *HUGS*

[zukosphoenix]

It was very bad, yeah, and I wasn't able to mentally or emotionally reach out. I've referenced the breakdown in a couple of places, but never went into detail. I'm not even sure why I did now, but the blank page was staring at me, and when I tapped my head, this spilled out.

It's still hard, when I feel that anger surging, cause I know what it can do. I have no place to express it or disperse it, so it turns inwards and starts tunneling to my soul. That's what I live in fear of.

((((E))))