I finished it ^^
Dune in Three Minutes
(Because the Dune movies out there aren’t suckey enough as it is)
Characters
- Paul
- Stoner. Refers to Baron Harkonnen as “Gramps”
- Leto
- Gets killed off in one scene
- Jessica
- Still thinks that Paul is her little baby.
- Alia
- Homicidal maniac.
- Baron
- Dr. Evil. Always refers to Piter as “Mr. Spock”
- Feyd
- Flamingly gay
- Piter
- Hates his job
- Stilgar
- Makes various innuendos to Paul
- Chani
- Ignored by Paul
- Emperor
- Hippie
INT - THE REVEREND MOTHER’S ROOM
In the Reverend Mother’s room on Caladan. The room is painted black with all kinds of gothic knick-knacks scattered about. The Reverend Mother sits down on her large chair, watching the door intently.
Paul enters and walks up to the Reverend Mother, who promptly punches him in the face. Paul falls back onto the ground and looks up at the Reverend Mother in surprise
Reverend Mother (Relieved):
“Well, you’re not dead. Congratulations: you’re human!”
Paul (excited):
“Awesome! Let’s go to Arrakis!”
Paul and the rest of House Atreides jovially walk onto the ships, past the Guildsmen who do bizarre hand gestures at them.
INT - THE BARON’S CHAMBERS
In the Baron’s room in Geidi Prime. The room is really poorly lit, except for the light on the Baron, who is dancing to rap music. Feyd and Piter walk in on him and jump back, covering their eyes as if the Baron were doing something obscene.
Feyd (disgusted):
“Ummm… dad?”
Baron:
“What? You know that I have to be listening to my Eminem CDs while I’m scheming!”
Feyd (sighing):
“Dad… that’s 50 Cent, not Eminem!”
Baron:
“Oh… so, how’s our evil scheme going, Mr. Spock?”
Piter (Annoyed):
“It’s Piter… and things are going excellent. Would you like me to spend ten minutes going over every nuance of it?”
Baron:
“Not really. Now, Mr. Spock, we can go to Arrakis and implement our evil scheme that is far too complex and long-winded to fit into this small timeframe.”
EXT - THE PALACE ON ARRAKIS
Leto is shown standing out on the balcony of the palace of Arrakis. He is looking out at the desert with his hands at his hips, essentially doing a King Arthur pose.
Leto:
“Hah! I am invincible!”
Yueh comes up next to Leto and whispers loudly into his ear. With each reiteration, Leto becomes increasingly more confused, and Yueh becomes increasingly more irritated.
Yueh:
“Remember the tooth!”
Leto:
“What was that?”
Yueh:
“Remember the tooth!”
Leto:
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you.”
Yueh:
“Remember the tooth!”
Leto:
“Look, you’re going to have to speak louder than that.”
Yueh:
“Remember the tooth!”
Leto:
“Is it really that important? Just tell me!”
Yueh:
“Remember the goddamn tooth you freakin’ idiot!”
The Baron suddenly comes up behind Leto and kicks him out of the view of the camera
Baron “Hah! Atiedes sucks! Harkonnen rules!”
EXT - THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT
Paul and Jessica are shown sitting in the middle of the desert. Paul is having a little too much fun with the spice lying around.
Jessica:
“Paul, honey, Daddy just went to sleep for a long time. He’s in a better place now.”
Paul:
“Who cares, man? This spice stuff is awesome! I can smell… the future!”
Jessica:
“Now Paul, you know what mommy says about doing spice.”
Paul:
“It’s okay, man. We’ve been wandering around out here for weeks… in the desert… without water… but at least we’re sure to find some Fremen sooner or later. They’ve got loads of spice.”
Stilgar jumps up into the view of the camera and yells at Paul. Paul doesn’t react, much to Stilgar’s surprise.
Stilgar:
“Hosnap. You must be our chosen one who will lead us to overthrow the Harkonnens! You now can control our massive secret army that we’ve kept hidden for so many years.”
Paul:
“Oh. Doesn’t that mean I have to go through some trials now to prove that I’m the chosen one?”
Stilgar:
“Naw. The last few potential chosen ones died, so we decided to just adopt a chosen one honor system.”
Paul:
“Why, how convenient. That’s all?”
Stilgar:
“Well, you do still have to ride the worm.”
Close-up of Paul looking at the camera like he was just violated. And he was. A lot.
INT - THE FREMEN SEITCH
Paul gets up in front of everyone and spreads his arms like Jesus
Paul:
“Fellow Fremen dudes! I have just discovered a way to broaden my awareness even further! Now we can go beat the Harkonnen dudes and the Emperor dude!”
EXT - THE DESERT
Several scenes of Paul and all the Fremen walking across the desert.
INT - THE PALACE OF ARRAKIS
Paul and the Fremen throw all of the Sardaukar off the screen. They then stand in front of the Emperor and Feyd. Alia is standing there, laughing manically over the dead body of the Baron.
Paul (surprised at seeing his little sister there):
“Alia, what are you doing here?”
Alia (speaking in her homicidal voice):
“I killed him. It was so fun.”
Everyone takes a moment to stare at Alia and take a step back. Feyd then steps forward and pulls out his Yu-Gi-Oh deck.
Feyd (pulling out his Yu-Gi-Oh deck):
“You have destroyed my family! Now I shall challenge you to a duel!”
Before Paul can accept the challenge, the Emperor comes and stands between the two of them.
Emperor:
“Naw, man. You guys should settle this with peace, man!”
Feyd:
“But… we’re supposed to have a duel to the death.”
Feyd holds up a copy of Dune, opens it to the end, and points to the pages.
Feyd:
“See? It says right here that we’re supposed to have a duel and Paul kills me!”
Emperor:
“Hey, man. Just because some guy from the 1960’s said we should fight doesn’t mean we have to. I mean, it’s the year 10,091, man! We should fight the power, man!”
Paul:
“But… isn’t this whole movie supposed to be about Dune?”
Emperor:
“Naw, man. We’re allowed to take creative liberties. Why do you think there wasn’t any mention of the sand worms?”
Paul (in terror):
“I don’t want to ride the worm!”
Feyd:
“But… you can’t have Dune without the worms.”
Emperor:
“Alright then - there shall be worms!”
The emperor snaps his fingers, and everyone around him drops to the ground and starts doing the worm as the end credits begin to roll very fast.