Operation: Bring Soohyun Back to Life, and Other Sidetracked Shenanigans
Fandom: U-KISS
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Crack
Pairing: OT7
Word Count: 2093
Summary: Soohyun has a tragic accident, and the internet has all of the answers to resolve it.
Prompt: 30. Ghosts
Author's Note: The “story” from Everyone’s a Critic has expanded into an actual story. …Apparently as of late, I’m only capable of writing U-KISS cracks. …Will (probably) redo this prompt later. IDEK.
It was a tragic day when Soohyun died from an extreme allergic reaction to a chinchilla Dongho brought home.
“Look at what you did.” Kibum shoved a finger into the chinchilla forehead. The little grey rodent stood up on its hind legs, its front paws was trying to grasp the intruding finger.
“Oh, leave Kiseop alone, hyung.” Dongho picked up the rodent, smiling as it curled up against his chest. He patted Kiseop’s head absentmindedly as he looked at the unmoving body lying on the floor. “But we really should give Soohyun hyung a proper burial for this rather, um, unfortunate death.”
“Why aren’t you more upset by this?” Kibum demanded.
Dongho shrugged. “It could be because his spirit is sitting over there tapping Eli on the shoulder constantly.” Dongho scratched one of Kiseop’s large ears. “Hyung, that’s just Soohyun hyung poking you.”
Eli scrambled out of his seat on the couch to hide behind Kibum; his shaking composure never once disappeared. “D-DON’T JOKE ABOUT THIS.”
“I’m not,” Dongho responded. He looked down at Kiseop, watching as the rodent made little happy squeaking noises. He then looked up and said lowly, “I see dead people.”
“THAT’S NOT FUNNY,” Eli screamed after Dongho as the younger boy walked back to his room with his new pet. After a moment of consideration, he pulled Kibum down and asked hesitantly, “Y-you don’t think he-he really sees dead people, do you?”
Kibum looked at Soohyun’s corpse for a moment and then turned to look at Eli. “You have something on your face.”
Eli ran screaming into the bathroom to check his face while Kibum remained in the room admiring the ghost Soohyun’s levitated pillows trick.
“We need to keep his body cold,” Kibum said in all seriousness. “Hyung, do you have any cool power now that you’re a ghost?”
“Hyung said he’s a ghost, not some freak of nature in spandex,” Dongho answered.
“Plan B: Eli go buy ice now. Buy lots of ice. And air conditioners. Anything to slow down decomposition. Go!”
“Since when did I become your servant?” Eli demanded, already heading for the door anyway.
“Two years and five months ago,” Dongho answered.
Eli slammed the door shut, ignoring the muffled giggles and excited chinchilla squeaks in the apartment.
The following day Kibum declared himself as the leader in “Operation: Bring Soohyun Back to Life” while Dongho acted as interpreter for the living and dead.
That was the plan anyway.
“Stop playing with that rat, and tell me what Soohyun wants.”
Dongho filled a pet bowl with pellets, placing the dish down in front of Kiseop. “He’s a chinchilla, not rat.” Dongho patted Kiseop’s head before turning his full attention over to his companions. For a moment, Dongho seemed to be lost in a daze before he spoke up, “Hyung said he wants a carrot.”
Kibum stared at the younger boy, flabbergasted by his message. “I’m going to ignore that.” He turned his attention over to Eli, who was curled up into a fetal position on the couch with dark bags under his eyes. “You look,” Kibum started slowly, “goddamn awful.”
“H-Heard something at night, awful noises at night, sounded like a cat was being killed-”
Dongho interrupted, “Soohyun hyung is offended by that statement.”
“Stop that!” Eli started to rock himself back and forth, muttering repeatedly about ghosts not being real. He let out a girly shriek when he felt a finger tapping his shoulder, his head, his forehead, and his earlobes being yanked down.
“Anyway,” Kibum said in a long drawl, “we need to figure out how to bring Soohyun back to life, now.”
Without any real idea of how to bring Soohyun back to life, Kibum and the gang turned to the internet for help, because all of life’s great answers were on the internet. Granted, all of life’s great distractions were also on the internet, so in the midst of their task, everyone found themselves distracted by Robot Unicorn Attack.
“Soohyun hyung said that Eli sucks at this game,” Dongho quipped.
“D-Do not,” Eli hissed back, completely concentrated on hitting the x and z keys on the keyboard.
“Then why do you insist on falling to your death?” Kibum stared at the screen, watching as his point was proven when the unicorn just ran straight off the cliff.
“Shut up, this game is faulty, I do not suck.” Eli glowered in his seat as Kibum swiped the laptop back from him. “Besides, shouldn’t we be looking for answers for hyung’s…dilemma…?”
Eli’s mouth dropped as he stared in shock when the laptop started to levitate, and keys were being punched by an invisible being. Dongho closed Eli’s opened mouth, and answered his unspoken question, “Soohyun hyung said it’s his turn to play.”
“Y-You,” Eli started, still staring at the floating laptop, “for a ghost, you have a pathetic…life…”
Dongho stared at the floating laptop for a long moment, and then he turned to Eli, “Um, hyung used a very colorful language, so this is just a rough translation of what he said: Go screw yourself….hyung.”
Dongho quickly disappeared out of the room when Eli tried to attack the younger boy.
“According to this website,” Kibum said, “in order to resurrect the dead, we have to find these magical rainbow-colored mushrooms on this mountain where a powerful deity lives.”
“That is not vague at all,” Dongho mused wryly.
“Shut up, the internet does not lie. Eli, Google this place now.”
Dongho decided he was more interested in giving Kiseop a dust bath than participate in this mission. He disappeared without another word.
As Eli started to search Google Map for this mystical place, his screen suddenly returned to Robot Unicorn Attack.
“What are you doing?” Kibum demanded, smacking Eli on the back of the head. “We have no time for this! His body will decompose soon!”
“I didn’t do this, Soohyun hyung did!”
Soohyun smacked Eli on the back of the head as well.
Later that night, Kibum prepared supplies for his journey into the mountains. Armed with a printed map to his destination, a backpack full of knickknacks, and a cellphone that would most likely not get any reception, Kibum bid his friends farewell.
“I may not return, so if that’s the case, one of you will have to go into the mountains to get the mushrooms to revive us.”
“…Wouldn’t Soohyun hyung’s body be complete decomposed by then?” Eli asked, earning himself two smacks on the head from Soohyun and Kibum.
“Ew, revived decayed hyung.” Dongho paused. “Let’s do that instead.”
Kiseop squeaked in delight from on top of Dongho’s head.
Eli woke up in the middle of the night needing to go the bathroom. As he stood in front of the toilet, low moaning and chain rattling noises penetrated the sound of urine hitting the toilet water. He let out a piercing scream when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
Suddenly, the bathroom door opened, and a sleepy Dongho with Kiseop on his head walked in. Half-awake, Dongho yawned, “Hi Soohyun hyung.”
Soohyun grabbed Eli’s wrist and wrote out “Hi Dongho” in the air.
Eli sobbed quietly to himself, praying that Kibum would return soon with the mushrooms.
One bus ride to a village and several hours of hiking later, Kibum found himself standing in front of a cave, face-to-face with a bearded hermit. “Wh-who are you?”
“Who are you?”
“Um, Kibum.”
“I’m Alexander,” the hermit answered with a pleasant smile, half-stroking his magnificent beard and half offering a hand for Kibum to shake.
“‘Alexander’? Why is a foreign guy living in the mountains in South Korea?”
Alexander shrugged. “Just felt like it. Say, do you have any pastries or fruits or something on you? I’m getting pretty sick of living off of tree barks and dirt.”
“…Why not just go back to civilization?”
“Because,” Alexander started; clearly offended by Kibum’s tone, “he will make my life a living hell if I don’t stay here and feed him delicious food. Not that that is any better, but it beats having some idiot scream into your mind 24/7 to feed him. I swear the bastard is like a needy cat who only loves you when you feed him and ignores you when he doesn’t need you.”
“Um.” Kibum stared at the hermit in front of him. “I’m going to regret this, but what the hell are you talking about?”
Alexander sighed. “The God of the Dead and Living.”
“Hades?”
“No, Kevin,” Alexander muttered bitterly. “Bastard can only be appeased by delicious food, so I get to eat crap, and the only highlight out of it is that I won’t go insane.” Alexander paused for a moment, and then added: “Maybe I won’t go insane.”
Kibum absorbed the explanation, and then he remembered his original goal. “So…magic mushrooms?”
“He’s probably cultivating his revival mushrooms right n-how the hell do you know about the mushrooms?” Alexander narrowed his eyes in suspicion.
“Internet.”
The wind howled during their long silence.
“I-I miss internet…” Alexander hung his head in sadness. Kibum patted his back awkwardly for a moment before noticing a shrine up ahead.
“Well, good luck with the remainder of your life, I’m going to go and see if I can swipe some of those-”
Alexander quickly grabbed onto Kibum’s leg. “Give me food! And I’ll help you get the mushrooms! Food, please, food-mmph”
Kibum shoved a chocolate-glazed doughnut into Alexander’s mouth. “Great, go get it and hurry! My friend’s body is probably starting to smell real bad right now.”
(Soohyun let out a little sneeze.
“Bless you!” Dongho chirped cheerfully, followed by a similarly-toned squeak from Kiseop.
Eli continued to give frequent dirty looks to random areas he assumed was where Soohyun was standing.)
Alexander had told Kibum to stay at the cave while he went to the shrine to look for the magical mushrooms. As he tiptoed into the sacred area, he heard a loud booming voice speaking from within the shrine, “Alexander! What do you think you’re doing?”
“Stealing your mushrooms?” Alexander pulled out a box of Pepero Kibum had given him beforehand. “I also have Pepero for you?”
Kevin bounced out from the shrine, and grabbed the box from his servant. He munched on the cookie stick, sighing blissfully, “Chocolate…You may proceed, but bring me more food.”
“Yes, your...are you gaining weight?”
Kevin stared back in shock. He pulled at his robe, concealing the extra body fat on him. “It’s almost winter! I need this for warmth. G-go get me more food!” Kevin stomped off, munching angrily on his Pepero.
“You know you can’t keep behaving like this! Y-you-”
“Must I remind you that until you pay off your debt to me, God of Trickery, you must spend 45 years as a human serving me?”
“…Go on a diet, you pig.”
Alexander scrambled away with the mushrooms.
“So how does it feel to be back with the living?” Dongho asked insincerely. Upon returning home, Kibum made the younger boy get rid of Kiseop. Occasionally, Dongho’s hand would wander through his hair, forgetting that the chinchilla was no longer sitting on his head or anywhere else near him for that matter.
He sulked.
“Oh, quit moping. That animal is living with your mother.” Kibum was immediately smacked on the head by the now-living Soohyun, who also made a mental note to enroll the other man into an etiquette class. Kibum made several whining noises that occasionally sounded like curses.
“Well, I’m sorry that you can’t keep Kiseop here with us, but in my defense, I did not know I was allergic to a…chinchilla.”
“Or that Dongho could see and talk to ghosts,” Eli chirped from his position in front of the laptop. “Goddammit.”
Dongho frowned. He didn’t really like the fact that he was the only one miserable. The others needed to be just as miserable as he was. “Eli hyung, just give up now. You’ll never make it past 500 points on Robot Unicorn Attack. Kibum hyung, maybe we should send you back to the mountains. Soohyun hyung…”
Soohyun shot a frown at Dongho.
“Welcome back.”
Soohyun smiled, ruffling the young boy’s hair. “And now, to prove to you all who is the master of Robot Unicorn Attack, Eli give me that. You’ll always suck at this game.”
Eli glared. He stomped to the door, stopping briefly only to grab his jacket.
“Where are you going?” Kibum asked with a mouthful of shrimp crackers.
“To bring Kiseop back.”
The door slammed shut.
Clarifications
[1] This was intended to be written as if it was “written” by Kevin, but towards the end, I hit a roadblock, and went off on my own and started trolling Kevin.
[2] I also love trolling Eli.
[3] The midnight bathroom scene - let’s just say, s2_otter gave me this wonderful image that was probably 80% of my drive to actually write this thing. I'm easily amused 'kay.
[4] Robot Unicorn Attack is the greatest game ever invented, and you just know these guys would get hooked on it.
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Crack
Pairing: OT7
Word Count: 2093
Summary: Soohyun has a tragic accident, and the internet has all of the answers to resolve it.
Prompt: 30. Ghosts
Author's Note: The “story” from Everyone’s a Critic has expanded into an actual story. …Apparently as of late, I’m only capable of writing U-KISS cracks. …Will (probably) redo this prompt later. IDEK.
It was a tragic day when Soohyun died from an extreme allergic reaction to a chinchilla Dongho brought home.
“Look at what you did.” Kibum shoved a finger into the chinchilla forehead. The little grey rodent stood up on its hind legs, its front paws was trying to grasp the intruding finger.
“Oh, leave Kiseop alone, hyung.” Dongho picked up the rodent, smiling as it curled up against his chest. He patted Kiseop’s head absentmindedly as he looked at the unmoving body lying on the floor. “But we really should give Soohyun hyung a proper burial for this rather, um, unfortunate death.”
“Why aren’t you more upset by this?” Kibum demanded.
Dongho shrugged. “It could be because his spirit is sitting over there tapping Eli on the shoulder constantly.” Dongho scratched one of Kiseop’s large ears. “Hyung, that’s just Soohyun hyung poking you.”
Eli scrambled out of his seat on the couch to hide behind Kibum; his shaking composure never once disappeared. “D-DON’T JOKE ABOUT THIS.”
“I’m not,” Dongho responded. He looked down at Kiseop, watching as the rodent made little happy squeaking noises. He then looked up and said lowly, “I see dead people.”
“THAT’S NOT FUNNY,” Eli screamed after Dongho as the younger boy walked back to his room with his new pet. After a moment of consideration, he pulled Kibum down and asked hesitantly, “Y-you don’t think he-he really sees dead people, do you?”
Kibum looked at Soohyun’s corpse for a moment and then turned to look at Eli. “You have something on your face.”
Eli ran screaming into the bathroom to check his face while Kibum remained in the room admiring the ghost Soohyun’s levitated pillows trick.
“We need to keep his body cold,” Kibum said in all seriousness. “Hyung, do you have any cool power now that you’re a ghost?”
“Hyung said he’s a ghost, not some freak of nature in spandex,” Dongho answered.
“Plan B: Eli go buy ice now. Buy lots of ice. And air conditioners. Anything to slow down decomposition. Go!”
“Since when did I become your servant?” Eli demanded, already heading for the door anyway.
“Two years and five months ago,” Dongho answered.
Eli slammed the door shut, ignoring the muffled giggles and excited chinchilla squeaks in the apartment.
The following day Kibum declared himself as the leader in “Operation: Bring Soohyun Back to Life” while Dongho acted as interpreter for the living and dead.
That was the plan anyway.
“Stop playing with that rat, and tell me what Soohyun wants.”
Dongho filled a pet bowl with pellets, placing the dish down in front of Kiseop. “He’s a chinchilla, not rat.” Dongho patted Kiseop’s head before turning his full attention over to his companions. For a moment, Dongho seemed to be lost in a daze before he spoke up, “Hyung said he wants a carrot.”
Kibum stared at the younger boy, flabbergasted by his message. “I’m going to ignore that.” He turned his attention over to Eli, who was curled up into a fetal position on the couch with dark bags under his eyes. “You look,” Kibum started slowly, “goddamn awful.”
“H-Heard something at night, awful noises at night, sounded like a cat was being killed-”
Dongho interrupted, “Soohyun hyung is offended by that statement.”
“Stop that!” Eli started to rock himself back and forth, muttering repeatedly about ghosts not being real. He let out a girly shriek when he felt a finger tapping his shoulder, his head, his forehead, and his earlobes being yanked down.
“Anyway,” Kibum said in a long drawl, “we need to figure out how to bring Soohyun back to life, now.”
Without any real idea of how to bring Soohyun back to life, Kibum and the gang turned to the internet for help, because all of life’s great answers were on the internet. Granted, all of life’s great distractions were also on the internet, so in the midst of their task, everyone found themselves distracted by Robot Unicorn Attack.
“Soohyun hyung said that Eli sucks at this game,” Dongho quipped.
“D-Do not,” Eli hissed back, completely concentrated on hitting the x and z keys on the keyboard.
“Then why do you insist on falling to your death?” Kibum stared at the screen, watching as his point was proven when the unicorn just ran straight off the cliff.
“Shut up, this game is faulty, I do not suck.” Eli glowered in his seat as Kibum swiped the laptop back from him. “Besides, shouldn’t we be looking for answers for hyung’s…dilemma…?”
Eli’s mouth dropped as he stared in shock when the laptop started to levitate, and keys were being punched by an invisible being. Dongho closed Eli’s opened mouth, and answered his unspoken question, “Soohyun hyung said it’s his turn to play.”
“Y-You,” Eli started, still staring at the floating laptop, “for a ghost, you have a pathetic…life…”
Dongho stared at the floating laptop for a long moment, and then he turned to Eli, “Um, hyung used a very colorful language, so this is just a rough translation of what he said: Go screw yourself….hyung.”
Dongho quickly disappeared out of the room when Eli tried to attack the younger boy.
“According to this website,” Kibum said, “in order to resurrect the dead, we have to find these magical rainbow-colored mushrooms on this mountain where a powerful deity lives.”
“That is not vague at all,” Dongho mused wryly.
“Shut up, the internet does not lie. Eli, Google this place now.”
Dongho decided he was more interested in giving Kiseop a dust bath than participate in this mission. He disappeared without another word.
As Eli started to search Google Map for this mystical place, his screen suddenly returned to Robot Unicorn Attack.
“What are you doing?” Kibum demanded, smacking Eli on the back of the head. “We have no time for this! His body will decompose soon!”
“I didn’t do this, Soohyun hyung did!”
Soohyun smacked Eli on the back of the head as well.
Later that night, Kibum prepared supplies for his journey into the mountains. Armed with a printed map to his destination, a backpack full of knickknacks, and a cellphone that would most likely not get any reception, Kibum bid his friends farewell.
“I may not return, so if that’s the case, one of you will have to go into the mountains to get the mushrooms to revive us.”
“…Wouldn’t Soohyun hyung’s body be complete decomposed by then?” Eli asked, earning himself two smacks on the head from Soohyun and Kibum.
“Ew, revived decayed hyung.” Dongho paused. “Let’s do that instead.”
Kiseop squeaked in delight from on top of Dongho’s head.
Eli woke up in the middle of the night needing to go the bathroom. As he stood in front of the toilet, low moaning and chain rattling noises penetrated the sound of urine hitting the toilet water. He let out a piercing scream when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
Suddenly, the bathroom door opened, and a sleepy Dongho with Kiseop on his head walked in. Half-awake, Dongho yawned, “Hi Soohyun hyung.”
Soohyun grabbed Eli’s wrist and wrote out “Hi Dongho” in the air.
Eli sobbed quietly to himself, praying that Kibum would return soon with the mushrooms.
One bus ride to a village and several hours of hiking later, Kibum found himself standing in front of a cave, face-to-face with a bearded hermit. “Wh-who are you?”
“Who are you?”
“Um, Kibum.”
“I’m Alexander,” the hermit answered with a pleasant smile, half-stroking his magnificent beard and half offering a hand for Kibum to shake.
“‘Alexander’? Why is a foreign guy living in the mountains in South Korea?”
Alexander shrugged. “Just felt like it. Say, do you have any pastries or fruits or something on you? I’m getting pretty sick of living off of tree barks and dirt.”
“…Why not just go back to civilization?”
“Because,” Alexander started; clearly offended by Kibum’s tone, “he will make my life a living hell if I don’t stay here and feed him delicious food. Not that that is any better, but it beats having some idiot scream into your mind 24/7 to feed him. I swear the bastard is like a needy cat who only loves you when you feed him and ignores you when he doesn’t need you.”
“Um.” Kibum stared at the hermit in front of him. “I’m going to regret this, but what the hell are you talking about?”
Alexander sighed. “The God of the Dead and Living.”
“Hades?”
“No, Kevin,” Alexander muttered bitterly. “Bastard can only be appeased by delicious food, so I get to eat crap, and the only highlight out of it is that I won’t go insane.” Alexander paused for a moment, and then added: “Maybe I won’t go insane.”
Kibum absorbed the explanation, and then he remembered his original goal. “So…magic mushrooms?”
“He’s probably cultivating his revival mushrooms right n-how the hell do you know about the mushrooms?” Alexander narrowed his eyes in suspicion.
“Internet.”
The wind howled during their long silence.
“I-I miss internet…” Alexander hung his head in sadness. Kibum patted his back awkwardly for a moment before noticing a shrine up ahead.
“Well, good luck with the remainder of your life, I’m going to go and see if I can swipe some of those-”
Alexander quickly grabbed onto Kibum’s leg. “Give me food! And I’ll help you get the mushrooms! Food, please, food-mmph”
Kibum shoved a chocolate-glazed doughnut into Alexander’s mouth. “Great, go get it and hurry! My friend’s body is probably starting to smell real bad right now.”
(Soohyun let out a little sneeze.
“Bless you!” Dongho chirped cheerfully, followed by a similarly-toned squeak from Kiseop.
Eli continued to give frequent dirty looks to random areas he assumed was where Soohyun was standing.)
Alexander had told Kibum to stay at the cave while he went to the shrine to look for the magical mushrooms. As he tiptoed into the sacred area, he heard a loud booming voice speaking from within the shrine, “Alexander! What do you think you’re doing?”
“Stealing your mushrooms?” Alexander pulled out a box of Pepero Kibum had given him beforehand. “I also have Pepero for you?”
Kevin bounced out from the shrine, and grabbed the box from his servant. He munched on the cookie stick, sighing blissfully, “Chocolate…You may proceed, but bring me more food.”
“Yes, your...are you gaining weight?”
Kevin stared back in shock. He pulled at his robe, concealing the extra body fat on him. “It’s almost winter! I need this for warmth. G-go get me more food!” Kevin stomped off, munching angrily on his Pepero.
“You know you can’t keep behaving like this! Y-you-”
“Must I remind you that until you pay off your debt to me, God of Trickery, you must spend 45 years as a human serving me?”
“…Go on a diet, you pig.”
Alexander scrambled away with the mushrooms.
“So how does it feel to be back with the living?” Dongho asked insincerely. Upon returning home, Kibum made the younger boy get rid of Kiseop. Occasionally, Dongho’s hand would wander through his hair, forgetting that the chinchilla was no longer sitting on his head or anywhere else near him for that matter.
He sulked.
“Oh, quit moping. That animal is living with your mother.” Kibum was immediately smacked on the head by the now-living Soohyun, who also made a mental note to enroll the other man into an etiquette class. Kibum made several whining noises that occasionally sounded like curses.
“Well, I’m sorry that you can’t keep Kiseop here with us, but in my defense, I did not know I was allergic to a…chinchilla.”
“Or that Dongho could see and talk to ghosts,” Eli chirped from his position in front of the laptop. “Goddammit.”
Dongho frowned. He didn’t really like the fact that he was the only one miserable. The others needed to be just as miserable as he was. “Eli hyung, just give up now. You’ll never make it past 500 points on Robot Unicorn Attack. Kibum hyung, maybe we should send you back to the mountains. Soohyun hyung…”
Soohyun shot a frown at Dongho.
“Welcome back.”
Soohyun smiled, ruffling the young boy’s hair. “And now, to prove to you all who is the master of Robot Unicorn Attack, Eli give me that. You’ll always suck at this game.”
Eli glared. He stomped to the door, stopping briefly only to grab his jacket.
“Where are you going?” Kibum asked with a mouthful of shrimp crackers.
“To bring Kiseop back.”
The door slammed shut.
Clarifications
[1] This was intended to be written as if it was “written” by Kevin, but towards the end, I hit a roadblock, and went off on my own and started trolling Kevin.
[2] I also love trolling Eli.
[3] The midnight bathroom scene - let’s just say, s2_otter gave me this wonderful image that was probably 80% of my drive to actually write this thing. I'm easily amused 'kay.
[4] Robot Unicorn Attack is the greatest game ever invented, and you just know these guys would get hooked on it.