SVH Super Thriller FEAR: A Stranger in the House
A Stranger in the House: Or "What My Family Doesn't Know Won't Hurt Them....Even Though it Might Kill Them."
Cover! This was a super special double cover. The top part has the prison bars, and the inside shows John being all super evil with photos of the Wakefield twins in his cell. Okay. There's a photo of Jess cheering from the cover of Jessica Quits the Squad (how embarrassing that the newspaper captured her effing up!), Liz & Jess in bikinis under a waterfall. FAIL. They just recolored Lila's hair from here. There are also two drawings at the top of Jess and Liz walking with John. Magically, John has traveled into the future, photographed these moments, and hung them up on his cell.
Okay, this book is insane. I'm just going to throw it out there. I am appalled at what a terrible, shitty father Ned is. I'm actually having a hard time coming up with enough adjectives to describe just what a total idiot he is. I will apologize in advance if there's an overabundance of f-bombs in this recap. Also, the SVPD never ceases to amaze me with their ineptitude.
Anyway, John Marin is cutting a news clipping from The Sweet Valley News. Amazingly, it is acknowledged that the scissors are illegal and hidden from the guards. The photo is of Liz at some boat race Nicholas Morrow won. John's all, "He's eighteen...that's how old I was when I got thrown in this dump, ten loooong years ago." This miniseries features lots of flashbacks to previous books (the photos in John's cell include Jessica when she was a soap star, Liz modeling for the jungle prom, Liz winning an essay contest, Jess on a talk show, Jess at George Fowler's wedding, and Liz being acquitted of Sam's murder). His internal monologue is so cheesy (actually it's an out-loud monologue, because dude is ALWAYS talking to himself). I will cite examples to support this as we move along.
It's summertime in Sweet Valley! Of course. Jess and Liz have jobs waitressing at the Marina Cafe, while Steven will be interning for Ned. Awesome. Liz and Jess have to wear turquoise polos with khaki shorts, and Steven mocks them for matching. Liz points out that this is the official uniform...minus the lavalieres, of course. OMG, they're so alike and so different. Jess is obnoxious and says that the shirts match their eyes. Alice is going on and on about some mansion she's decorating in a trendy southwestern motif. Remember when that was all the rage? Turquoise, coral, cow skulls...the height of sophistication. As Alice is waxing poetic about the hottness she's going to bestow upon the mansion, Ned starts choking on his toast.
He's reading an article about John Marin, who is being paroled after ten years. Flashback! John kidnapped a woman and her teenage daughter from a picnic at Secca Lake, held them hostage, collected a ginormous ransom, and then stabbed them and dumped their bodies. Why do people keep going to Secca Lake? It's like Sweet Valley's version of the Hellmouth. John was sentenced to twenty-five years, and when he was being hauled away he yelled at Ned that the twins are toast. Ned looked at the "chubby faces" of eight year old Steven and six year old Jessica and Elizabeth (the prettiest girls in the first grade class, natch), and freaked out.
But in the present day he thinks that money and freedom will be enough for John (the ransom was never recovered). Of course Ned doesn't want to unnecessarily worry his family by telling them any of this. He suggests that the girls hang out at home for the next few months instead of working. This does not go over well, so he just freaks out silently instead. He even says, "Dammit"!!! I love when the Wakefield's swear.
Jess and Liz talk about waitressing on the way to work. Lila will be hanging at the beach, and Enid will be a lifeguard. Jessica all but admits that she's going to cheat on Ken while he's out of town (class-ay), and then she tells Liz that her and TBT are boring. Jessica tells Liz that she's in serious danger....of becoming a boring nerd. Liz decides to spice up her life! We all know how well that turned out last time.
The twins arrive at the cafe, and there's some wackiness involving their boss, Mr. Jenkins. You see, he can't tell the twins apart! Much wackiness ensues, as Jessica reaps the benefits of Liz being a good employee.
Ned is freaking out at work, and his assistant can't find the Marin case file. I wonder where it could be!!! Marianna West (she of the faux-affair with Ned) informs Ned that one of the other partners in the firm is in Sacramento working on a case, and she's overwhelmed. Ned decides to send Steven up there. That'll keep him safe from Marin!
More name-swapping madness. Mr. Jenkins is having a tip contest that runs for a week. The winner receives dinner for two, movie passes, and a $50 gift certificate to Lisette's. Apparently there are no men working at the Marina Cafe. Or the only men are of a certain persuasion. Mr. Jenkins also introduces Jane, who has worked at the Cafe for four years.
Waitressing is not Jessica's forte. She waits on Maria Santinelli, Winston, Amy Slutton, and Bruce. And she ("Elizabeth") gets yelled at for socializing. Winston is apparently working as a "coastal enhancement engineer." Jess tells them about the glamorous people she met, then says Lila came in. Bruce says, "Wow! You met the Lila Fowler? You said glamorous, but I thought you meant relatively unimportant people like mere corporate moguls and world leaders. I had no idea-" HA! Then Mr. Jenkins comes up, confuses her with Liz, and tells her to get back to work.
John Marin is picking the lock at the Wakefield's house. Prince Albert barks at him, and when Marin shows the dog his teeth, Prince Albert stops. Prince Albert is as terrible a dog as Ned and Alice are parents. (is that sentence as awkward as it sounds in my head?) My dogs weigh ten pounds and three pounds, and they would probably attack anyone who broke into our house. Anyway, John's as impressed by the Spanish tiled kitchen as the rest of us. He takes a bite of an apple and, deeming it sour, throws it on the counter. High standards for someone who's been eating stale bread and mystery meat for the last decade. He steals a photo of the Wakefield family dressed as Christmas elves (even Prince Albert is wearing a Santa hat!). This is my first example of John's terrible external monologue:
"Ah, Alice. I could teach you a thing or two about Wonderland. Better watch yourself, dear. You wouldn't want to fall down any rabbit holes...Maybe later. For now, I'll stick with the twins-they bring out all those protective, paternalistic instincts that make Ned such a pathetically easy target."
This psychotic rant brought to you by the letter "P"!!! Prince Albert wanders upstairs, and Marin follows to raid the girls' underwear drawers "gather information" on the twins.
Boring conversation with Liz and Jane, interrupted by Jane perving on TBT. TBT is giving windsurfing lessons for his summer job. That sounds like way more fun than waitressing, IMO. Todd and Liz leave, and when Todd suggests the Dairi Burger, Liz makes a shitty, passive aggressive comment about being stuck in a rut. As they leave, Todd gets a hard-on for a red Mazda Miata (what IS it with these kids and Miatas?), driven by a guy only a few years older than him!
Jessica is pissed because she has a customer who is just drinking coffee and reading her textbook, and she's ready to go out and mingle. Ken is only gone for three months! So many boys, so little time to slut around. Suddenly, a sexy hot guy comes in. He has wavy brown hair and deep blue eyes, and his name is Scott Maderlake. But really it's John Marin. Surprise! Sorry to spoil it for you. He says that he works for some producer, and is all, "I'm sure you've heard of her?" And Jessica's like, "Ummm...yessss. Yes, I have." He's working on a miniseries about high school students and wants to scout locations. Jessica mentions Secca Lake, and Scott's like, "Oh, yes I've murdered people there heard of that before." Jessica sets up a date with him the next afternoon to scout locations.
Ned gets home and is surprised to find Prince Albert wandering around. He finds the apple and assumes Steven left it there. Poor Steven. He's like the Ben Seaver of the Wakefield family. Ned goes through the mail and finds a blood red envelope containing the Christmas photo (why couldn't the envelope be candy apple red, or American Beauty rose red?). The words, "Nice family, Ned. I especially like the girls. JM" are scrawled on it in black marker. Ned the genius wanders into the living room and finds the empty frame, and starts to freak out.
Ned's screaming into the phone, asking a detective named Tony why the police can't protect his family. Tony says, "Look, Ned, you're a good attorney," and I erupt into fits of laughter. There's no probable cause to arrest Marin, because legally complimenting his children is not a menacing statement. If Marin sends a few more notes, that will be a pattern, and then they can press charges.
Liz is going on and on about how awesome Roman Holiday was, even though it's the fourth time she's seen it. Do these kids ever seen any current movies? Liz says, "I never identified with Audrey Hepburn like I did this time." I bet she would totally love Chasing Liberty. Her and Mandy Moore have WAY more in common than her and Audrey Hepburn. (no offense to Mandy Moore...) She also has an unnatural obsession with Gregory Peck. They head to the Dairi Burger.
Jess walks into the house at ten o'clock, and Ned flips out. Alice sits there with her hand's folded. Alice = Stepford. Alice finally jumps in and tells Ned that Jessica did call, and he needs to kindly chill the fuck out. Ned apologizes and goes to hide in the den, where he thinks that he should tell the twins what's going on. But then he decides not to, because he's an idiot. He calls Tony, and Tony's all, "Um, yeah, sorry, but Marin gave his parole officer a fake address and we have no idea where he is! But we can totally arrest him if we find him, because that's a parole violation. So we're cool, right?" And Ned's like, "No, we're not cool! You're a fucking idiot! Get out there and find the psycho who wants to kill my daughters!" Of course he does not. Ned thanks him, hangs up, and calls James Battaglia, a private investigator.
Liz is still pissing and moaning to Todd about how she's just like Audrey. When the two of them walk into the Dairi Burger, Liz is like, "What would it be like if this place smelled like Indian curry or Thai stir-fry?" Then you'd be in an Indian or Thai restaurant, Liz. Todd makes fun of her for changing her life based on a romantic comedy, and Liz finally shuts up. Until they sit down two seconds later. She tries to order an iced cappuccino, and has to settle for iced coffee (with three sugars and half-and-half, fyi). She tries to get Todd to order one, but he says he'll stick with root beer. Liz looks at Todd and thinks that he just doesn't look like her soul mate. Liz uses the phrase "soul mate" ten times in this miniseries (eight times in this book!), and Enid uses it twice. I loathe the phrase "soul mate." Too much pressure. That's just me.
Elizabeth tells Todd how Jessica pointed out that Liz is stuck in a rut. Todd calls Jess a psycho. He also called her the evil twin in the last chapter. HA. Not funny, Todd. It would be super awesome if Jess was actually Margo. 'Cause then, when John tried to kill her, she'd be all, "I can outcrazy your crazy ass any day, bitch! Let's dance!" Moving on...Liz orders clam chowder (the most exotic thing on the menu), and Todd orders his usual boring hamburger. The waitress is now openly mocking Liz for wanting to be exciting. It is awesome. All of a sudden, Liz notices a guy sitting in a corner, writing in his notebook. When he looks up, Liz thinks that she's found her Gregory Peck...maybe even her soul mate!
John is listening in on Ned's conversation with Battaglia. Ned says that he has a dangerous situation on his hands, and douchey John says, "Much more dangerous than you think, counselor. For instance, you have no idea that I left you a little present in your telephone receiver yesterday. You may not know it, Ned, but I made straight A's in the prison wire-tapping class. Of course, the class was, shall we say, extracurricular." John is so douchey, you guys. And why didn't Ned have the police dust for prints after John was there? And why wouldn't he think to have the phones checked? So many questions. My brain hurts. Battaglia says that he has hired someone to keep an eye on the twins, and John says out loud that he has done the same. Ned also says that he's going to have someone courier a photo of John to Battaglia the next day. John is going to intercept it. Awesome.
Jessica and Elizabeth are walking into work, and Elizabeth is thinking about her soul mate. She tells herself to chill out, because for all she knows he could be a creep. But he's not, because she saw her own sense of longing and adventure mirrored in his eyes. Barf. I never thought like this when I was sixteen. I had no need for adventure, as I was interested in doing what everyone else wanted to do on summer vacation: lay out, hang out with friends, and generally do nothing. Liz notices a creepy old fisherman at the end of the dock watching her, and she gets all freaked out and runs inside.
Jessica talks to Liz about some guy who's dressed like a caricature of a sailor (is he an older Danny Noonan?). He's been sailing around the world, but he's so eccentric! Because he orders peanut butter and jelly and a Diet Coke first thing in the morning! He's a regular Howard Hughes, he's so out there! Just then, the creepy guy Liz saw earlier walks into the restaurant and sits down. Jane observes that he seems quite taken with the twins. That's because they're the motha'fucking Wakefield twins, dude!
Lila comes in and sits in Jessica's section, against her will, as she has no desire to sit by the creepy dude. She relents, and when Jess tells her about the date with Scott that afternoon, Lila asks if Liz knows. When Jessica says no, Lila's like, after that shit you pulled with Jeremy and ruining his wedding and almost getting killed, do you really think you should go out with older guys? And Jessica's like, "This is totes different, because Scott isn't engaged, and I have a boyfriend!" Lila agrees not to tell Liz, but she thinks Jessica's retarded. As do I.
Jessica's ready to go, and she tells Liz she's going to the mall with Lila. They go on and on about how creepy the fisherman guy is, and Jessica leaves. After she's been gone a few minutes, Liz looks up to see her dream guy come walking in! And he's sitting in her section!! And he orders an iced coffee with half-and-half and three sugars!!! Liz is ready to swoon, and then Jane tells her that mystery guy has a boat. It's a forty foot sloop named the Emily Dickinson, who is Liz's favorite poet! How obvious. Another waitress told Jane that he sailed from Hawaii, and is on his way to South America. And he's also a writer! Elizabeth grabs the counter because she's swooning so hard. Seriously. She gets her bearings and goes out to talk to him, but he's gone! He left her a 25% tip, so she takes that as a sign he'll be back again. Dude, he ordered a coffee. It probably cost two bucks. Maybe he didn't want to look like an ass, Liz.
Jessica meets Scott at SVH, and promises to regale him with tales wilder than the screenwriters could ever imagine! Scott suggests an early dinner up the coast, and Jessica decides that since he has a fancy Miata, he can afford Cafe Mirabeau.
Ned pulls his brown LTD into the driveway of the Wakefield's house. Really? Ned's a lawyer and his car looks like this?
As a lawyer, I would think that Ned could at least spring for a nice Toyota Avalon or a Ford Explorer. But whatever. He walks into the house, finds a note on the coffee table and promptly freaks out. It's just from Jessica, and it's a lie saying that she's out with Lila and won't be home for dinner. Ned's like, "MUST she go out every night and whore it up while she's unaware that there's a homicidal maniac pursuing her?"
Jessica is telling Scott all sorts of crazy SVH stories: Winston hiding baby Daisy, Enid getting in a plane crash, etc. Scott's super impressed, because these are better stories than anything the screenwriters could come up with! Weirdly, we never hear about Margo, or the Wolfman, or her tragically dead boyfriend Sam, or the million and five other times the Wakefield twins were almost slaughtered.
Elizabeth is at the Dairi Burger with Enid and Jane. She's thinking about how Todd is going to a drag race with some of his friends for a change of pace. And even that's not exciting enough for Liz. She tells Enid about her super duper soul mate. Enid agrees that based on purely superficial information, this guy totes sounds like her soul mate. However, Enid doesn't think Liz should go out with him and risk messing up her relationship with TBT. Liz does not agree.
Jessica is on the phone with Lila, recapping her date with Scott. She's planning out her dress for the Emmy Awards (black and slinky? how boring!), and she pulls up her hair. And oh, noes!!! Her lavaliere necklace is gone! Lila's like, "BFD, it's only fourteen karat gold. How much could it be worth?" Have I mentioned that I love Lila?
The next morning, Elizabeth is in the stock room at work when she hears a noise. She turns around and sees creepy fisherman guy staring at her. She's super creeped out and runs out of the storage room, right into hot soul mate stranger guy! He suggests that they go outside for some fresh air. Elizabeth goes up to Jessica and tells her that she needs to step out for a minute. Jessica's like, "Okay, I'll cover for you for ten minutes if you cover for me for three hours this afternoon while I go to a 'fashion show' with 'Lila.'" Elizabeth thinks this is bullshit, and Jessica tells her to take twenty minutes. Liz agrees and runs outside.
Liz meets John Marin Ben Morgan outside, and he immediately quotes Emily Dickinson. Surprise! That's Elizabeth's favorite poet! And what a coincidence! Ben named his boat after her! So many exclamation points! Then Ben tells Elizabeth that he's working on his novel while taking a year off from school to sail around the world. Elizabeth has officially melted into a puddle and is writhing on the ground in ecstasy. She tells Ben that she would love to do something like that if she wasn't so "hemmed in." Ben asks what's "hemming her in," and Elizabeth informs him that Sweet Valley and being Elizabeth Wakefield are the culprits. But Elizabeth hearts Sweet Valley and never wants to leave or live anywhere else! The world is going to fly off it's axis and spin into the sun! Ben, like everyone else, does not understand Elizabeth's discontentment. Then all of a sudden he pretends that he does, and Elizabeth gets all excited, then embarassed, then runs back to the restaurant. Even though she'd rather run straight into his arms.
John Marin pulls up to the Wakefield's house to drop off an envelope for Ned. He has a photo of Ned clipped to his visor in his car, and tells the photo, "I'm holding you in contempt. And your sentence will be torture." Bwah ha ha. He keeps going on and on talking to the photo, and finally asks it who he should kill first-Elizabeth or Jessica? You know, that actually is quite the pickle. On the one hand, Elizabeth has better problem-solving skills, but on the other, Jessica is fucking crazy. Hmm...
Ned is on the phone with Battaglia, and Battaglia asks Ned if he has told the girls what watch out for. Ned says no, because he doesn't want to upset them. It's fairly evident that Battaglia thinks Ned's an idiot. It's fairly evident to the reader that Ned is an idiot. Battaglia says that he got the mug shot of Marin, and it doesn't look like the guy Ned described. Ned's like, "Meh, I'm sure it's him. The last picture I saw was ten years ago." Nice follow up, Wakefield. When Ned gets home, he finds the envelope from Marin, and it contains a lavaliere! And the chain jingles softly, like a young girl's quiet laughter! Ned is so queer.
Scott is boosting Jessica up into a window of the girls' locker room at SVH. She unlocks the door and lets him in, then she points out the football helmet sitting in the storage area. Would you believe it belonged to a girl?! Scott sure doesn't! Jessica fumbles and mentions Ken, and then quickly changes the subject (lest she feel real, human emotion), suggesting a tour of the school.
Enid comes into the cafe and busts Jessica out by saying she just saw Lila on the beach. Elizabeth thinks that she just got the time of the fashion show mixed up, and shrugs it off. Enid orders Elizabeth's lame iced coffee drink, and Elizabeth tells her that she went on a stroll along the docks with Ben. "It was so Old World. You know, a real, old-fashioned promenade on the wharf, watching the sails billow in the breeze." Ugh. Enid says that she doesn't want to rain on Elizabeth's promenade (bwah ha ha), but what about TBT? Elizabeth's like, "Psh, Todd's a boring high school guy and Ben's a mysterious stranger who I know nothing about and who may or may not be trying to kill me in order to settle a decades old grudge against my father!" Enid says that Todd used to be enough for Liz (pwned!), and then Liz gets called away by Mr. Jenkins.
Jessica is showing Scott the auditorium, and she tells him the story of how Olivia met her boyfriend. She also tells him about the time she played Lady Macbeth. If I was Marin, I'd off Jessica right there to get her to shut the hell up. Scott goes to kiss her, and suddenly Jessica sees a shadowy figure running out of the auditorium.
At dinner that night, Ned is sitting with his hand in his pocket, playing with the lavaliere. So. Many. Jokes. He asks the girls if they've seen or spoken to anyone out of the ordinary. The twins are both terrible liars, and Ned STILL doesn't do the logical thing and bring up the lavaliere. Ned's a total dumbass. He goes to call Battaglia, who is probably going to be upping his fee shortly. Battaglia informs Ned that Jessica is dating some new guy, and he could investigate the guy, but it's probably not relevant to this investigation. Ned asks if Jessica's doing anything he should know about, and Battaglia's like, "Are you sure you want to know?" Gross. They kind of go back and forth, and it's made rather evident that Jess isn't doing the humpty dance with Scott.
Jessica is trying to decide between Fudge Ripple and Rocky Road ice cream when Elizabeth gets home from her date with Todd. Liz heard a weird noise in the back of the house earlier, but Jess brushes her off and says it's probably just a squirrel. Liz borrowed Jessica's sexy low-cut fuschia blouse, and Jess wonders if it caught Todd's attention. It caught Todd's eye, but then he said she didn't need to dress that way to impress him because he likes her the way she is. That's a passive aggressive way of getting Liz to do exactly what TBT wants her to do. Nice. The girls talk about how Ned is spiraling into insanity, then they dance around the mysterious stranger they each have met. Elizabeth jumps, thinking she's seen a shadow outside. Jessica starts singing, "The Shadow knows!" And Liz is not amused. Jessica says it was probably just a tree branch, and Elizabeth shakes it off.
John Marin is at the mansion, spying on Alice, and perving on her legs. Even John thinks that Alice could be the twin's sister! He takes a few Polaroid's of her, and imagines strangling her. It's pretty gross. He opts to kill the twins first, then go after Alice.
At the cafe the following evening, Ben walks in and wants to show Liz his boat. Clever euphemism? No. Liz bails out of work, and Jessica starts to grill Jane on where she went. Jane's all cagey and won't tell Jess where she is, which drives Jess crazy(ier?). Todd and Winston walk into the restaurant and ask where Liz is. Jessica just says she took off an hour early since they weren't busy, and Todd says that he's been thinking about how discontent Liz is with her life. He wants to surprise her. By taking her bowling! AWESOME. Todd keeps asking where Liz went, and Jess kind of dances around it. Todd and Winston want to go look for her, and Jess discourages them.
Elizabeth is on Ben's boat, and is panting with excitement that Ben has two volumes of Emily Dickinson, Moby Dick, Tolstoy, and Dostoyevsky. Some of Elizabeth's very favorite authors! But does he have any Amanda Howard mysteries? Ben takes Elizabeth for a cruise around the coastline, and he tells her that she looks like the goddess of the sea. Elizabeth thinks that being on the boat makes her feel like she's been freed from prison after sixteen years. Hmm.
John Marin is parked outside the Wakefield house, and he writes a note to Ned on the back of one of the photos of Alice. Aren't Polaroids black on the back? Was he using a paint pen? Anyway, he decides to drop it off at a post office instead of putting it right in the mailbox.
Ned is relieved to get home and find an empty mailbox, but he's quickly horrified to find that Prince Albert's collar is missing. Ned goes up to Jessica's room to look for it, since Prince Albert is Jessica's dog more than anyone's. He finds the collar and a note on Jessica's pillow that says, "You ought to do something about the lock on the kitchen door, Ned. You don't want strangers in the house." Alice walks in, and Ned hides the note from her. He thinks that he needs to tell Alice what's going on. After dinner. Alice lets him know that the architect on the mansion needs her to go up to Oakland for the weekend, so she wants to take Ned. What is the deal with the Ned and Alice escaping to San Francisco when people are trying to kill their children? Ned sensibly decides not to go (he's knee deep in a wrongful dismissal suit), and tells Alice that in a few weeks he'll take her anywhere she wants to go. And he still doesn't tell her what's going on. Because he's a super awesome parent and spouse.
Ned goes into his den and opens the drawer where he's been storing Marin's souvenir. The lavaliere is gone! He calls Tony the police officer, saying that the Christmas card, necklace, and dog collar constitute a pattern. Tony informs him that they still haven't been able to find Marin. How big is Sweet Valley?! Tony agrees to assign someone to watch the Wakefield house twenty-four hours a day. Too little, too late, Tony. John's insane, not a dumbass! I think his days of hanging out at the house are probably done.
Elizabeth is waiting on Howard Hughes, and he asks about the creepy fisherman guy. He kind of grills Elizabeth about why the guy would be paying so much attention to the twins, and Elizabeth gets a little weirded out.
Ned opens an envelope and finds the Polaroid from Marin. The back says, "She's awfully pretty, but it's the girls I'm interested in." Ned is relieved that Alice is gone, but knows that Marin and the twins are still running around Sweet Valley. Maybe now you should tell them what's up?
Jessica and Scott are at Miller's Point. Scott gives her a necklace, and Jessica thinks it's only right to put out. She goes to kiss him, and then she screams. But not in ecstasy. Oh, no, for there is a man staring into the car! Scott takes off after the guy, who she recognizes as the creepy guy from the docks.
Elizabeth and Ned are watching Cape Fear (a rip-off says what?), starring Elizabeth's imaginary boyfriend Gregory Peck. I personally prefer the updated version starring Robert DeNiro, but that's just me. Elizabeth says Enid heard a report of a shark sighting, but it couldn't be verified. Ned says that sharks can turn up anywhere. Oooh, spooky. He wishes that Jessica would have stayed home instead of going out with Lila Faux-ler. Ned finally discovers that Elizabeth has her lavaliere, so the missing one belongs to Jessica. The phone rings, and it's Lila! Elizabeth finally gets Lila to sort of admit that Jessica is out with someone else. Elizabeth lies and tells Ned that it was Enid, and then she touches her lavaliere and senses that Jessica is feeling terror at that exact moment! Lavaliere of truth, bitches!
Jessica is crying in the car, waiting for Scott to come back. She notices some blood on his hand, and he says that he must have scraped it on a bush. Jessica tells Scott that it's the guy from the marina, and Scott starts grilling her about him. Jessica becomes convinced that the guy who was staring into the car was definitely creepy marina guy. Scott suggests taking Jessica home, and she says that her dad will have a heart attack when she's home before eleven o'clock on a Friday night. Scott says, "I'm sure your father will be very glad to have you at home, safe and sound." Bwah ha ha!
Jessica comes home, and Ned immediately notices that she's been crying. She says she's fine, but if she doesn't go to bed she'll die of exhaustion. Ned winces at the word "die." Ned's a freak. Elizabeth goes upstairs after Jessica and asks her what happened. Jessica doesn't tell her anything, and they fight back and forth before finally dropping it.
The phone rings, and it's Battaglia. He tells Ned that they have John Marin in custody! Ned asks how he can be sure, and Battaglia says that his undercover guy (Danny Noonan Hughes) recognized creepy dock guy. And he had Jessica's lavaliere on him! Ned wants to go down and identify him, and Battaglia says no, because the defense attorney doesn't want Ned near Marin. Ned can only identify Marin as the man who threatened him ten years ago, and since he never actually saw Marin write the notes, he's not a witness. But he can't go in and give them positive ID? Weird. Ned realizes that he'll have to tell the twins what's been going on, since they might have to go in and identify him.
Saturday morning, Jessica wakes up late and is pissed that Liz didn't wake her up. It's the last day of the tip contest! I don't know why Jess thinks she can win it, considering she's been taking off all her afternoons to screw around with a felon. Anyway, Liz is at work and Ben comes in to ask her to take a moonlight cruise. Todd comes in and asks what time he should pick Liz up. Todd freaks out on her when she says that she already has plans. Jane comes up and observes that Todd has been taking Liz for granted. Well, yeah. But Liz is also skanking around behind Todd's back every other week. So.
The tip contest winner is announced at the end of the day, and it's Jane! Jessica and Liz came in second. I'm shocked that they didn't tie for first, as they are the Wakefield twins and thus excel at any challenge presented. Anyway, the twins close up that night. Jessica goes into the storage room and sees a man standing there, holding a knife. Jessica screams for Liz, and the man pushes Jess out of the way and runs out of the restaurant.
The girls are at the police station and have to identify the man who was in the storage room. Hey! It's creepy dock guy! Oh, bummer. That can't be the guy who was in the storage room, as he was in jail the night before. Oh noes!
Ned is working late at his office when the phone rings. It's detective Tony who informs Ned that Marin wasn't actually arrested. Oops. Turns out the creepy dock guy's name is Pilchard. He's homeless, and John paid him to spy on the twins. He paid him with Jessica's lavaliere! Ned decides to head home, but first he calls Battaglia. And Battaglia doesn't answer. So Ned goes over to his house. Battaglia is laying on the floor with a knife sticking out of his chest, and a note pinned to his collar that says, "It's hard to get good help these days. Isn't it, Ned?"
Elizabeth runs to the boat to meet Ben. He asks if she told Jessica or Ned where she was going, and she says that she finally told Jessica the truth. Jessica agreed to tell Ned that Elizabeth is out with Todd.
Detective Tony and Ned are asking Jessica where Liz is, and she covers for Liz. Ned asks if Jessica remembers when Ned was a DA, and Jessica does. They finally tell her about Marin, and they show her John's picture. Jessica's a little slow on the uptake, and says that it's just Scott. Ned and Tony recap everything that's been going on, and Jess finally admits that Liz is sailing with some guy named Ben. Also, the guy who was looking in the car was Battaglia's informant, and his body was found by Miller's Point. So John killed the guy while Jessica was waiting in the car for him! Jessica takes Ned and Tony to the Beach Disco, and they show Marin's picture to Jane. She immediately identifies him as Ben.
Elizabeth is having a super duper time on the boat, and thinks that she really has found her soul mate. Suddenly a Coast Guard boat shines a spotlight onto the boat and tells Ben to drop his weapon and put his hands up. Elizabeth looks into her soul mate's eyes and only sees hatred. John grabs Elizabeth and holds the knife to her neck. There's some banter with Ned and Jessica, and then Elizabeth stomps on Marin's foot, resulting in a struggle for the knife.
Elizabeth runs towards the back of the boat and dives off. She catches her foot on the railing when she notices John escaping into the dinghy, and hits her head as she falls into the water. Jessica is the only one who notices this, and she dives in after Elizabeth.
Later on, the twins are in their living room with Ned and Tony. Ned hears a weird noise, but it's just a locksmith changing the lock in the kitchen. Ned's like, "Hmmm, I probably should have changed that the first time the killer seeking revenge on me via my daughters broke in. But I didn't want to arouse their suspicions." Dumb.Ass. A Coast Guard official rings the doorbell, and she's got a piece of Ben's windbreaker, stained with blood. They think that John was attacked by sharks. Okay. Is the Coast Guard as inept as the SVPD? Are you seriously telling me that they couldn't catch a freaking dinghy?!?!
The twins say good night to Ned and tell him that they're both sleeping in Elizabeth's room. Tony comes in to talk to Ned, and Ned says he thinks Marin's still alive. Tony agrees to watch Ned's house overnight, and he leaves. Ned locks the door after him, and realizes Prince Albert's missing. Marin pops up and says that "the mutt's in the basement, drugged" and he'll wake up to find Ned and the girls dead. Poor Prince Albert! Marin says that he's been in the basement since before Ned got home, and then he bashes him upside the head with a board. It would have been super great if Marin had said, "Move to strike, Counselor" before he hit Ned.
Marin killed a stray cat to get the blood on his jacket. :( That makes me sad. Anyway, he heads upstairs to Elizabeth's room, taking out his knife as he walks. He stands over the bed and raises the knife. Just then, Ned comes in and tackles him, throwing him out the window!
John is handcuffed to a police car, Ned is okay, and the Wakefields don't have to be afraid anymore, because John's going to prison for the rest of his life!
Except he's totally not, because the next book is the biggest Cape Fear rip-off ever.
Cover! This was a super special double cover. The top part has the prison bars, and the inside shows John being all super evil with photos of the Wakefield twins in his cell. Okay. There's a photo of Jess cheering from the cover of Jessica Quits the Squad (how embarrassing that the newspaper captured her effing up!), Liz & Jess in bikinis under a waterfall. FAIL. They just recolored Lila's hair from here. There are also two drawings at the top of Jess and Liz walking with John. Magically, John has traveled into the future, photographed these moments, and hung them up on his cell.
Okay, this book is insane. I'm just going to throw it out there. I am appalled at what a terrible, shitty father Ned is. I'm actually having a hard time coming up with enough adjectives to describe just what a total idiot he is. I will apologize in advance if there's an overabundance of f-bombs in this recap. Also, the SVPD never ceases to amaze me with their ineptitude.
Anyway, John Marin is cutting a news clipping from The Sweet Valley News. Amazingly, it is acknowledged that the scissors are illegal and hidden from the guards. The photo is of Liz at some boat race Nicholas Morrow won. John's all, "He's eighteen...that's how old I was when I got thrown in this dump, ten loooong years ago." This miniseries features lots of flashbacks to previous books (the photos in John's cell include Jessica when she was a soap star, Liz modeling for the jungle prom, Liz winning an essay contest, Jess on a talk show, Jess at George Fowler's wedding, and Liz being acquitted of Sam's murder). His internal monologue is so cheesy (actually it's an out-loud monologue, because dude is ALWAYS talking to himself). I will cite examples to support this as we move along.
It's summertime in Sweet Valley! Of course. Jess and Liz have jobs waitressing at the Marina Cafe, while Steven will be interning for Ned. Awesome. Liz and Jess have to wear turquoise polos with khaki shorts, and Steven mocks them for matching. Liz points out that this is the official uniform...minus the lavalieres, of course. OMG, they're so alike and so different. Jess is obnoxious and says that the shirts match their eyes. Alice is going on and on about some mansion she's decorating in a trendy southwestern motif. Remember when that was all the rage? Turquoise, coral, cow skulls...the height of sophistication. As Alice is waxing poetic about the hottness she's going to bestow upon the mansion, Ned starts choking on his toast.
He's reading an article about John Marin, who is being paroled after ten years. Flashback! John kidnapped a woman and her teenage daughter from a picnic at Secca Lake, held them hostage, collected a ginormous ransom, and then stabbed them and dumped their bodies. Why do people keep going to Secca Lake? It's like Sweet Valley's version of the Hellmouth. John was sentenced to twenty-five years, and when he was being hauled away he yelled at Ned that the twins are toast. Ned looked at the "chubby faces" of eight year old Steven and six year old Jessica and Elizabeth (the prettiest girls in the first grade class, natch), and freaked out.
But in the present day he thinks that money and freedom will be enough for John (the ransom was never recovered). Of course Ned doesn't want to unnecessarily worry his family by telling them any of this. He suggests that the girls hang out at home for the next few months instead of working. This does not go over well, so he just freaks out silently instead. He even says, "Dammit"!!! I love when the Wakefield's swear.
Jess and Liz talk about waitressing on the way to work. Lila will be hanging at the beach, and Enid will be a lifeguard. Jessica all but admits that she's going to cheat on Ken while he's out of town (class-ay), and then she tells Liz that her and TBT are boring. Jessica tells Liz that she's in serious danger....of becoming a boring nerd. Liz decides to spice up her life! We all know how well that turned out last time.
The twins arrive at the cafe, and there's some wackiness involving their boss, Mr. Jenkins. You see, he can't tell the twins apart! Much wackiness ensues, as Jessica reaps the benefits of Liz being a good employee.
Ned is freaking out at work, and his assistant can't find the Marin case file. I wonder where it could be!!! Marianna West (she of the faux-affair with Ned) informs Ned that one of the other partners in the firm is in Sacramento working on a case, and she's overwhelmed. Ned decides to send Steven up there. That'll keep him safe from Marin!
More name-swapping madness. Mr. Jenkins is having a tip contest that runs for a week. The winner receives dinner for two, movie passes, and a $50 gift certificate to Lisette's. Apparently there are no men working at the Marina Cafe. Or the only men are of a certain persuasion. Mr. Jenkins also introduces Jane, who has worked at the Cafe for four years.
Waitressing is not Jessica's forte. She waits on Maria Santinelli, Winston, Amy Slutton, and Bruce. And she ("Elizabeth") gets yelled at for socializing. Winston is apparently working as a "coastal enhancement engineer." Jess tells them about the glamorous people she met, then says Lila came in. Bruce says, "Wow! You met the Lila Fowler? You said glamorous, but I thought you meant relatively unimportant people like mere corporate moguls and world leaders. I had no idea-" HA! Then Mr. Jenkins comes up, confuses her with Liz, and tells her to get back to work.
John Marin is picking the lock at the Wakefield's house. Prince Albert barks at him, and when Marin shows the dog his teeth, Prince Albert stops. Prince Albert is as terrible a dog as Ned and Alice are parents. (is that sentence as awkward as it sounds in my head?) My dogs weigh ten pounds and three pounds, and they would probably attack anyone who broke into our house. Anyway, John's as impressed by the Spanish tiled kitchen as the rest of us. He takes a bite of an apple and, deeming it sour, throws it on the counter. High standards for someone who's been eating stale bread and mystery meat for the last decade. He steals a photo of the Wakefield family dressed as Christmas elves (even Prince Albert is wearing a Santa hat!). This is my first example of John's terrible external monologue:
"Ah, Alice. I could teach you a thing or two about Wonderland. Better watch yourself, dear. You wouldn't want to fall down any rabbit holes...Maybe later. For now, I'll stick with the twins-they bring out all those protective, paternalistic instincts that make Ned such a pathetically easy target."
This psychotic rant brought to you by the letter "P"!!! Prince Albert wanders upstairs, and Marin follows to raid the girls' underwear drawers "gather information" on the twins.
Boring conversation with Liz and Jane, interrupted by Jane perving on TBT. TBT is giving windsurfing lessons for his summer job. That sounds like way more fun than waitressing, IMO. Todd and Liz leave, and when Todd suggests the Dairi Burger, Liz makes a shitty, passive aggressive comment about being stuck in a rut. As they leave, Todd gets a hard-on for a red Mazda Miata (what IS it with these kids and Miatas?), driven by a guy only a few years older than him!
Jessica is pissed because she has a customer who is just drinking coffee and reading her textbook, and she's ready to go out and mingle. Ken is only gone for three months! So many boys, so little time to slut around. Suddenly, a sexy hot guy comes in. He has wavy brown hair and deep blue eyes, and his name is Scott Maderlake. But really it's John Marin. Surprise! Sorry to spoil it for you. He says that he works for some producer, and is all, "I'm sure you've heard of her?" And Jessica's like, "Ummm...yessss. Yes, I have." He's working on a miniseries about high school students and wants to scout locations. Jessica mentions Secca Lake, and Scott's like, "Oh, yes I've murdered people there heard of that before." Jessica sets up a date with him the next afternoon to scout locations.
Ned gets home and is surprised to find Prince Albert wandering around. He finds the apple and assumes Steven left it there. Poor Steven. He's like the Ben Seaver of the Wakefield family. Ned goes through the mail and finds a blood red envelope containing the Christmas photo (why couldn't the envelope be candy apple red, or American Beauty rose red?). The words, "Nice family, Ned. I especially like the girls. JM" are scrawled on it in black marker. Ned the genius wanders into the living room and finds the empty frame, and starts to freak out.
Ned's screaming into the phone, asking a detective named Tony why the police can't protect his family. Tony says, "Look, Ned, you're a good attorney," and I erupt into fits of laughter. There's no probable cause to arrest Marin, because legally complimenting his children is not a menacing statement. If Marin sends a few more notes, that will be a pattern, and then they can press charges.
Liz is going on and on about how awesome Roman Holiday was, even though it's the fourth time she's seen it. Do these kids ever seen any current movies? Liz says, "I never identified with Audrey Hepburn like I did this time." I bet she would totally love Chasing Liberty. Her and Mandy Moore have WAY more in common than her and Audrey Hepburn. (no offense to Mandy Moore...) She also has an unnatural obsession with Gregory Peck. They head to the Dairi Burger.
Jess walks into the house at ten o'clock, and Ned flips out. Alice sits there with her hand's folded. Alice = Stepford. Alice finally jumps in and tells Ned that Jessica did call, and he needs to kindly chill the fuck out. Ned apologizes and goes to hide in the den, where he thinks that he should tell the twins what's going on. But then he decides not to, because he's an idiot. He calls Tony, and Tony's all, "Um, yeah, sorry, but Marin gave his parole officer a fake address and we have no idea where he is! But we can totally arrest him if we find him, because that's a parole violation. So we're cool, right?" And Ned's like, "No, we're not cool! You're a fucking idiot! Get out there and find the psycho who wants to kill my daughters!" Of course he does not. Ned thanks him, hangs up, and calls James Battaglia, a private investigator.
Liz is still pissing and moaning to Todd about how she's just like Audrey. When the two of them walk into the Dairi Burger, Liz is like, "What would it be like if this place smelled like Indian curry or Thai stir-fry?" Then you'd be in an Indian or Thai restaurant, Liz. Todd makes fun of her for changing her life based on a romantic comedy, and Liz finally shuts up. Until they sit down two seconds later. She tries to order an iced cappuccino, and has to settle for iced coffee (with three sugars and half-and-half, fyi). She tries to get Todd to order one, but he says he'll stick with root beer. Liz looks at Todd and thinks that he just doesn't look like her soul mate. Liz uses the phrase "soul mate" ten times in this miniseries (eight times in this book!), and Enid uses it twice. I loathe the phrase "soul mate." Too much pressure. That's just me.
Elizabeth tells Todd how Jessica pointed out that Liz is stuck in a rut. Todd calls Jess a psycho. He also called her the evil twin in the last chapter. HA. Not funny, Todd. It would be super awesome if Jess was actually Margo. 'Cause then, when John tried to kill her, she'd be all, "I can outcrazy your crazy ass any day, bitch! Let's dance!" Moving on...Liz orders clam chowder (the most exotic thing on the menu), and Todd orders his usual boring hamburger. The waitress is now openly mocking Liz for wanting to be exciting. It is awesome. All of a sudden, Liz notices a guy sitting in a corner, writing in his notebook. When he looks up, Liz thinks that she's found her Gregory Peck...maybe even her soul mate!
John is listening in on Ned's conversation with Battaglia. Ned says that he has a dangerous situation on his hands, and douchey John says, "Much more dangerous than you think, counselor. For instance, you have no idea that I left you a little present in your telephone receiver yesterday. You may not know it, Ned, but I made straight A's in the prison wire-tapping class. Of course, the class was, shall we say, extracurricular." John is so douchey, you guys. And why didn't Ned have the police dust for prints after John was there? And why wouldn't he think to have the phones checked? So many questions. My brain hurts. Battaglia says that he has hired someone to keep an eye on the twins, and John says out loud that he has done the same. Ned also says that he's going to have someone courier a photo of John to Battaglia the next day. John is going to intercept it. Awesome.
Jessica and Elizabeth are walking into work, and Elizabeth is thinking about her soul mate. She tells herself to chill out, because for all she knows he could be a creep. But he's not, because she saw her own sense of longing and adventure mirrored in his eyes. Barf. I never thought like this when I was sixteen. I had no need for adventure, as I was interested in doing what everyone else wanted to do on summer vacation: lay out, hang out with friends, and generally do nothing. Liz notices a creepy old fisherman at the end of the dock watching her, and she gets all freaked out and runs inside.
Jessica talks to Liz about some guy who's dressed like a caricature of a sailor (is he an older Danny Noonan?). He's been sailing around the world, but he's so eccentric! Because he orders peanut butter and jelly and a Diet Coke first thing in the morning! He's a regular Howard Hughes, he's so out there! Just then, the creepy guy Liz saw earlier walks into the restaurant and sits down. Jane observes that he seems quite taken with the twins. That's because they're the motha'fucking Wakefield twins, dude!
Lila comes in and sits in Jessica's section, against her will, as she has no desire to sit by the creepy dude. She relents, and when Jess tells her about the date with Scott that afternoon, Lila asks if Liz knows. When Jessica says no, Lila's like, after that shit you pulled with Jeremy and ruining his wedding and almost getting killed, do you really think you should go out with older guys? And Jessica's like, "This is totes different, because Scott isn't engaged, and I have a boyfriend!" Lila agrees not to tell Liz, but she thinks Jessica's retarded. As do I.
Jessica's ready to go, and she tells Liz she's going to the mall with Lila. They go on and on about how creepy the fisherman guy is, and Jessica leaves. After she's been gone a few minutes, Liz looks up to see her dream guy come walking in! And he's sitting in her section!! And he orders an iced coffee with half-and-half and three sugars!!! Liz is ready to swoon, and then Jane tells her that mystery guy has a boat. It's a forty foot sloop named the Emily Dickinson, who is Liz's favorite poet! How obvious. Another waitress told Jane that he sailed from Hawaii, and is on his way to South America. And he's also a writer! Elizabeth grabs the counter because she's swooning so hard. Seriously. She gets her bearings and goes out to talk to him, but he's gone! He left her a 25% tip, so she takes that as a sign he'll be back again. Dude, he ordered a coffee. It probably cost two bucks. Maybe he didn't want to look like an ass, Liz.
Jessica meets Scott at SVH, and promises to regale him with tales wilder than the screenwriters could ever imagine! Scott suggests an early dinner up the coast, and Jessica decides that since he has a fancy Miata, he can afford Cafe Mirabeau.
Ned pulls his brown LTD into the driveway of the Wakefield's house. Really? Ned's a lawyer and his car looks like this?
As a lawyer, I would think that Ned could at least spring for a nice Toyota Avalon or a Ford Explorer. But whatever. He walks into the house, finds a note on the coffee table and promptly freaks out. It's just from Jessica, and it's a lie saying that she's out with Lila and won't be home for dinner. Ned's like, "MUST she go out every night and whore it up while she's unaware that there's a homicidal maniac pursuing her?"
Jessica is telling Scott all sorts of crazy SVH stories: Winston hiding baby Daisy, Enid getting in a plane crash, etc. Scott's super impressed, because these are better stories than anything the screenwriters could come up with! Weirdly, we never hear about Margo, or the Wolfman, or her tragically dead boyfriend Sam, or the million and five other times the Wakefield twins were almost slaughtered.
Elizabeth is at the Dairi Burger with Enid and Jane. She's thinking about how Todd is going to a drag race with some of his friends for a change of pace. And even that's not exciting enough for Liz. She tells Enid about her super duper soul mate. Enid agrees that based on purely superficial information, this guy totes sounds like her soul mate. However, Enid doesn't think Liz should go out with him and risk messing up her relationship with TBT. Liz does not agree.
Jessica is on the phone with Lila, recapping her date with Scott. She's planning out her dress for the Emmy Awards (black and slinky? how boring!), and she pulls up her hair. And oh, noes!!! Her lavaliere necklace is gone! Lila's like, "BFD, it's only fourteen karat gold. How much could it be worth?" Have I mentioned that I love Lila?
The next morning, Elizabeth is in the stock room at work when she hears a noise. She turns around and sees creepy fisherman guy staring at her. She's super creeped out and runs out of the storage room, right into hot soul mate stranger guy! He suggests that they go outside for some fresh air. Elizabeth goes up to Jessica and tells her that she needs to step out for a minute. Jessica's like, "Okay, I'll cover for you for ten minutes if you cover for me for three hours this afternoon while I go to a 'fashion show' with 'Lila.'" Elizabeth thinks this is bullshit, and Jessica tells her to take twenty minutes. Liz agrees and runs outside.
Liz meets John Marin Ben Morgan outside, and he immediately quotes Emily Dickinson. Surprise! That's Elizabeth's favorite poet! And what a coincidence! Ben named his boat after her! So many exclamation points! Then Ben tells Elizabeth that he's working on his novel while taking a year off from school to sail around the world. Elizabeth has officially melted into a puddle and is writhing on the ground in ecstasy. She tells Ben that she would love to do something like that if she wasn't so "hemmed in." Ben asks what's "hemming her in," and Elizabeth informs him that Sweet Valley and being Elizabeth Wakefield are the culprits. But Elizabeth hearts Sweet Valley and never wants to leave or live anywhere else! The world is going to fly off it's axis and spin into the sun! Ben, like everyone else, does not understand Elizabeth's discontentment. Then all of a sudden he pretends that he does, and Elizabeth gets all excited, then embarassed, then runs back to the restaurant. Even though she'd rather run straight into his arms.
John Marin pulls up to the Wakefield's house to drop off an envelope for Ned. He has a photo of Ned clipped to his visor in his car, and tells the photo, "I'm holding you in contempt. And your sentence will be torture." Bwah ha ha. He keeps going on and on talking to the photo, and finally asks it who he should kill first-Elizabeth or Jessica? You know, that actually is quite the pickle. On the one hand, Elizabeth has better problem-solving skills, but on the other, Jessica is fucking crazy. Hmm...
Ned is on the phone with Battaglia, and Battaglia asks Ned if he has told the girls what watch out for. Ned says no, because he doesn't want to upset them. It's fairly evident that Battaglia thinks Ned's an idiot. It's fairly evident to the reader that Ned is an idiot. Battaglia says that he got the mug shot of Marin, and it doesn't look like the guy Ned described. Ned's like, "Meh, I'm sure it's him. The last picture I saw was ten years ago." Nice follow up, Wakefield. When Ned gets home, he finds the envelope from Marin, and it contains a lavaliere! And the chain jingles softly, like a young girl's quiet laughter! Ned is so queer.
Scott is boosting Jessica up into a window of the girls' locker room at SVH. She unlocks the door and lets him in, then she points out the football helmet sitting in the storage area. Would you believe it belonged to a girl?! Scott sure doesn't! Jessica fumbles and mentions Ken, and then quickly changes the subject (lest she feel real, human emotion), suggesting a tour of the school.
Enid comes into the cafe and busts Jessica out by saying she just saw Lila on the beach. Elizabeth thinks that she just got the time of the fashion show mixed up, and shrugs it off. Enid orders Elizabeth's lame iced coffee drink, and Elizabeth tells her that she went on a stroll along the docks with Ben. "It was so Old World. You know, a real, old-fashioned promenade on the wharf, watching the sails billow in the breeze." Ugh. Enid says that she doesn't want to rain on Elizabeth's promenade (bwah ha ha), but what about TBT? Elizabeth's like, "Psh, Todd's a boring high school guy and Ben's a mysterious stranger who I know nothing about and who may or may not be trying to kill me in order to settle a decades old grudge against my father!" Enid says that Todd used to be enough for Liz (pwned!), and then Liz gets called away by Mr. Jenkins.
Jessica is showing Scott the auditorium, and she tells him the story of how Olivia met her boyfriend. She also tells him about the time she played Lady Macbeth. If I was Marin, I'd off Jessica right there to get her to shut the hell up. Scott goes to kiss her, and suddenly Jessica sees a shadowy figure running out of the auditorium.
At dinner that night, Ned is sitting with his hand in his pocket, playing with the lavaliere. So. Many. Jokes. He asks the girls if they've seen or spoken to anyone out of the ordinary. The twins are both terrible liars, and Ned STILL doesn't do the logical thing and bring up the lavaliere. Ned's a total dumbass. He goes to call Battaglia, who is probably going to be upping his fee shortly. Battaglia informs Ned that Jessica is dating some new guy, and he could investigate the guy, but it's probably not relevant to this investigation. Ned asks if Jessica's doing anything he should know about, and Battaglia's like, "Are you sure you want to know?" Gross. They kind of go back and forth, and it's made rather evident that Jess isn't doing the humpty dance with Scott.
Jessica is trying to decide between Fudge Ripple and Rocky Road ice cream when Elizabeth gets home from her date with Todd. Liz heard a weird noise in the back of the house earlier, but Jess brushes her off and says it's probably just a squirrel. Liz borrowed Jessica's sexy low-cut fuschia blouse, and Jess wonders if it caught Todd's attention. It caught Todd's eye, but then he said she didn't need to dress that way to impress him because he likes her the way she is. That's a passive aggressive way of getting Liz to do exactly what TBT wants her to do. Nice. The girls talk about how Ned is spiraling into insanity, then they dance around the mysterious stranger they each have met. Elizabeth jumps, thinking she's seen a shadow outside. Jessica starts singing, "The Shadow knows!" And Liz is not amused. Jessica says it was probably just a tree branch, and Elizabeth shakes it off.
John Marin is at the mansion, spying on Alice, and perving on her legs. Even John thinks that Alice could be the twin's sister! He takes a few Polaroid's of her, and imagines strangling her. It's pretty gross. He opts to kill the twins first, then go after Alice.
At the cafe the following evening, Ben walks in and wants to show Liz his boat. Clever euphemism? No. Liz bails out of work, and Jessica starts to grill Jane on where she went. Jane's all cagey and won't tell Jess where she is, which drives Jess crazy(ier?). Todd and Winston walk into the restaurant and ask where Liz is. Jessica just says she took off an hour early since they weren't busy, and Todd says that he's been thinking about how discontent Liz is with her life. He wants to surprise her. By taking her bowling! AWESOME. Todd keeps asking where Liz went, and Jess kind of dances around it. Todd and Winston want to go look for her, and Jess discourages them.
Elizabeth is on Ben's boat, and is panting with excitement that Ben has two volumes of Emily Dickinson, Moby Dick, Tolstoy, and Dostoyevsky. Some of Elizabeth's very favorite authors! But does he have any Amanda Howard mysteries? Ben takes Elizabeth for a cruise around the coastline, and he tells her that she looks like the goddess of the sea. Elizabeth thinks that being on the boat makes her feel like she's been freed from prison after sixteen years. Hmm.
John Marin is parked outside the Wakefield house, and he writes a note to Ned on the back of one of the photos of Alice. Aren't Polaroids black on the back? Was he using a paint pen? Anyway, he decides to drop it off at a post office instead of putting it right in the mailbox.
Ned is relieved to get home and find an empty mailbox, but he's quickly horrified to find that Prince Albert's collar is missing. Ned goes up to Jessica's room to look for it, since Prince Albert is Jessica's dog more than anyone's. He finds the collar and a note on Jessica's pillow that says, "You ought to do something about the lock on the kitchen door, Ned. You don't want strangers in the house." Alice walks in, and Ned hides the note from her. He thinks that he needs to tell Alice what's going on. After dinner. Alice lets him know that the architect on the mansion needs her to go up to Oakland for the weekend, so she wants to take Ned. What is the deal with the Ned and Alice escaping to San Francisco when people are trying to kill their children? Ned sensibly decides not to go (he's knee deep in a wrongful dismissal suit), and tells Alice that in a few weeks he'll take her anywhere she wants to go. And he still doesn't tell her what's going on. Because he's a super awesome parent and spouse.
Ned goes into his den and opens the drawer where he's been storing Marin's souvenir. The lavaliere is gone! He calls Tony the police officer, saying that the Christmas card, necklace, and dog collar constitute a pattern. Tony informs him that they still haven't been able to find Marin. How big is Sweet Valley?! Tony agrees to assign someone to watch the Wakefield house twenty-four hours a day. Too little, too late, Tony. John's insane, not a dumbass! I think his days of hanging out at the house are probably done.
Elizabeth is waiting on Howard Hughes, and he asks about the creepy fisherman guy. He kind of grills Elizabeth about why the guy would be paying so much attention to the twins, and Elizabeth gets a little weirded out.
Ned opens an envelope and finds the Polaroid from Marin. The back says, "She's awfully pretty, but it's the girls I'm interested in." Ned is relieved that Alice is gone, but knows that Marin and the twins are still running around Sweet Valley. Maybe now you should tell them what's up?
Jessica and Scott are at Miller's Point. Scott gives her a necklace, and Jessica thinks it's only right to put out. She goes to kiss him, and then she screams. But not in ecstasy. Oh, no, for there is a man staring into the car! Scott takes off after the guy, who she recognizes as the creepy guy from the docks.
Elizabeth and Ned are watching Cape Fear (a rip-off says what?), starring Elizabeth's imaginary boyfriend Gregory Peck. I personally prefer the updated version starring Robert DeNiro, but that's just me. Elizabeth says Enid heard a report of a shark sighting, but it couldn't be verified. Ned says that sharks can turn up anywhere. Oooh, spooky. He wishes that Jessica would have stayed home instead of going out with Lila Faux-ler. Ned finally discovers that Elizabeth has her lavaliere, so the missing one belongs to Jessica. The phone rings, and it's Lila! Elizabeth finally gets Lila to sort of admit that Jessica is out with someone else. Elizabeth lies and tells Ned that it was Enid, and then she touches her lavaliere and senses that Jessica is feeling terror at that exact moment! Lavaliere of truth, bitches!
Jessica is crying in the car, waiting for Scott to come back. She notices some blood on his hand, and he says that he must have scraped it on a bush. Jessica tells Scott that it's the guy from the marina, and Scott starts grilling her about him. Jessica becomes convinced that the guy who was staring into the car was definitely creepy marina guy. Scott suggests taking Jessica home, and she says that her dad will have a heart attack when she's home before eleven o'clock on a Friday night. Scott says, "I'm sure your father will be very glad to have you at home, safe and sound." Bwah ha ha!
Jessica comes home, and Ned immediately notices that she's been crying. She says she's fine, but if she doesn't go to bed she'll die of exhaustion. Ned winces at the word "die." Ned's a freak. Elizabeth goes upstairs after Jessica and asks her what happened. Jessica doesn't tell her anything, and they fight back and forth before finally dropping it.
The phone rings, and it's Battaglia. He tells Ned that they have John Marin in custody! Ned asks how he can be sure, and Battaglia says that his undercover guy (Danny Noonan Hughes) recognized creepy dock guy. And he had Jessica's lavaliere on him! Ned wants to go down and identify him, and Battaglia says no, because the defense attorney doesn't want Ned near Marin. Ned can only identify Marin as the man who threatened him ten years ago, and since he never actually saw Marin write the notes, he's not a witness. But he can't go in and give them positive ID? Weird. Ned realizes that he'll have to tell the twins what's been going on, since they might have to go in and identify him.
Saturday morning, Jessica wakes up late and is pissed that Liz didn't wake her up. It's the last day of the tip contest! I don't know why Jess thinks she can win it, considering she's been taking off all her afternoons to screw around with a felon. Anyway, Liz is at work and Ben comes in to ask her to take a moonlight cruise. Todd comes in and asks what time he should pick Liz up. Todd freaks out on her when she says that she already has plans. Jane comes up and observes that Todd has been taking Liz for granted. Well, yeah. But Liz is also skanking around behind Todd's back every other week. So.
The tip contest winner is announced at the end of the day, and it's Jane! Jessica and Liz came in second. I'm shocked that they didn't tie for first, as they are the Wakefield twins and thus excel at any challenge presented. Anyway, the twins close up that night. Jessica goes into the storage room and sees a man standing there, holding a knife. Jessica screams for Liz, and the man pushes Jess out of the way and runs out of the restaurant.
The girls are at the police station and have to identify the man who was in the storage room. Hey! It's creepy dock guy! Oh, bummer. That can't be the guy who was in the storage room, as he was in jail the night before. Oh noes!
Ned is working late at his office when the phone rings. It's detective Tony who informs Ned that Marin wasn't actually arrested. Oops. Turns out the creepy dock guy's name is Pilchard. He's homeless, and John paid him to spy on the twins. He paid him with Jessica's lavaliere! Ned decides to head home, but first he calls Battaglia. And Battaglia doesn't answer. So Ned goes over to his house. Battaglia is laying on the floor with a knife sticking out of his chest, and a note pinned to his collar that says, "It's hard to get good help these days. Isn't it, Ned?"
Elizabeth runs to the boat to meet Ben. He asks if she told Jessica or Ned where she was going, and she says that she finally told Jessica the truth. Jessica agreed to tell Ned that Elizabeth is out with Todd.
Detective Tony and Ned are asking Jessica where Liz is, and she covers for Liz. Ned asks if Jessica remembers when Ned was a DA, and Jessica does. They finally tell her about Marin, and they show her John's picture. Jessica's a little slow on the uptake, and says that it's just Scott. Ned and Tony recap everything that's been going on, and Jess finally admits that Liz is sailing with some guy named Ben. Also, the guy who was looking in the car was Battaglia's informant, and his body was found by Miller's Point. So John killed the guy while Jessica was waiting in the car for him! Jessica takes Ned and Tony to the Beach Disco, and they show Marin's picture to Jane. She immediately identifies him as Ben.
Elizabeth is having a super duper time on the boat, and thinks that she really has found her soul mate. Suddenly a Coast Guard boat shines a spotlight onto the boat and tells Ben to drop his weapon and put his hands up. Elizabeth looks into her soul mate's eyes and only sees hatred. John grabs Elizabeth and holds the knife to her neck. There's some banter with Ned and Jessica, and then Elizabeth stomps on Marin's foot, resulting in a struggle for the knife.
Elizabeth runs towards the back of the boat and dives off. She catches her foot on the railing when she notices John escaping into the dinghy, and hits her head as she falls into the water. Jessica is the only one who notices this, and she dives in after Elizabeth.
Later on, the twins are in their living room with Ned and Tony. Ned hears a weird noise, but it's just a locksmith changing the lock in the kitchen. Ned's like, "Hmmm, I probably should have changed that the first time the killer seeking revenge on me via my daughters broke in. But I didn't want to arouse their suspicions." Dumb.Ass. A Coast Guard official rings the doorbell, and she's got a piece of Ben's windbreaker, stained with blood. They think that John was attacked by sharks. Okay. Is the Coast Guard as inept as the SVPD? Are you seriously telling me that they couldn't catch a freaking dinghy?!?!
The twins say good night to Ned and tell him that they're both sleeping in Elizabeth's room. Tony comes in to talk to Ned, and Ned says he thinks Marin's still alive. Tony agrees to watch Ned's house overnight, and he leaves. Ned locks the door after him, and realizes Prince Albert's missing. Marin pops up and says that "the mutt's in the basement, drugged" and he'll wake up to find Ned and the girls dead. Poor Prince Albert! Marin says that he's been in the basement since before Ned got home, and then he bashes him upside the head with a board. It would have been super great if Marin had said, "Move to strike, Counselor" before he hit Ned.
Marin killed a stray cat to get the blood on his jacket. :( That makes me sad. Anyway, he heads upstairs to Elizabeth's room, taking out his knife as he walks. He stands over the bed and raises the knife. Just then, Ned comes in and tackles him, throwing him out the window!
John is handcuffed to a police car, Ned is okay, and the Wakefields don't have to be afraid anymore, because John's going to prison for the rest of his life!
Except he's totally not, because the next book is the biggest Cape Fear rip-off ever.