Sweet Valley High #112 - Jessica Quits the Squad...or 1CHRLDR1
“Jessica Quits the Squad” starts off with the cheerleaders, football squad and hoi polloi of SVH celebrating at the Dairi Burger after a big football win. Shakes, sundaes, burgers and fries galore (don’t they EVER get fat?). The cheerleading squad is congratulated on one of their best performances ever. Jessica is getting tons of attention and loving it (I love how she thinks to herself that even though she’s cocaptain of the squad, the fact that she makes up most of the cheers and Robin does mostly administrative work makes her the true captain…ah Jess). Then a gorgeous blond girl breezes into the restaurant, momentarily leaving everyone speechless with her gorgeousness. She asks for “a diet coke with lemon, please… and I’d like that with a straw”. Yeah, I already want to punch her in the mouth too. Jess is naturally annoyed that the attention is diverted from her. She notices the girl drives off in a white convertible Mazda Miata with customized “CHRLDR” license plates (omg!!! A soul mate for 1BRUCE1?!).
As the guys drool and the cheerleaders gush admiringly over how gorgeous the girl looked, Jessica hopes to herself that she never sees this girl again. Yeah…good luck there, Jess. Foreshadowing!
Then the whole gang ends up down at the beach, and Jessica finds herself splashing in the ocean with Ken-doll Matthews. This book is set right after the Jeremy Randall “A Deadly Christmas” scandal (rhyme!), so Jess is feeling vulnerable (Jess fell in love with Jeremy but he pretty much swindled her family and stomped evilly on her love and trust…see #108 - “Jessica’s Secret Love” through #112 “A Deadly Christmas”). The Ken thing was set up in the last book, as Ken was really nice to Jess, giving her a white rose and inviting her out when she was feeling low. Jessica remembers this and suddenly realizes how handsome Ken is. Of course, he’s already in love with her (she’s a Wakefield twin!) and the two soon start passionately kissing in the waves. Apparently Ken’s whole body trembles as he pulls her close. Jess thinks it’s sweet. Um, news for you Jess - that’s not sweetness, it’s epilepsy. After the kiss, Jessica “couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so happy”. A new couple is on the horizon! Yay for Jessica and Ken, everyone cheers!
…Or almost everyone. As Elizabeth watches the two emerge from the waves, it’s revealed she is not happy for the couple. Omg, why not?! Foreshadowing!...Well, not really, it explains in the next scene that she and Ken had a short-lived secret affair when Todd first moved to Vermont that "never quite got resolved" (see Elizabeth's Secret Diary).
The next day at school, Jessica is super excited to see Ken and to get continued attention for the cheerleader’s excellent performance at Friday’s game (Jess sure milks it). There’s some good outfit describin’ in this book:
“That morning when she’d gotten dressed, she’d been thinking of Ken and had wanted to look her very best for him. She’d decided on her favourite - faded blue jeans and her blue-and-gold gauzy blouse that looked as if it were from the sixties.”
Yecch.
So Jess walks right down any crowded hall, and sees there’s a beauty standing. Is she really everywhere or…a reflection? One always calls out to you, the other’s shy and quiet. Could there be two different girls who look the same at SWEET VALLEY, SWEET VALLEY HIGH…SWEET VALLEY, SWEET VALLEY, SWEET VALLEY HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH….
…….Um, I mean, Jess walks down the hall looking for Ken, when she sees a bunch of people swarming around something. It’s revealed that the something is Heather Mallone, a new transfer student from Reno, Nevada - and the same girl from the Dairi Burger the other night. Ugh. Jess is not happy. Everyone seems charmed by Heather, even Lila, who tells Jess “she seems like our type”. Jess soon realises what Lila meant… “she really meant that Heather was her type, as in super-rich!” Heather was wearing “skintight designer blue jeans that showed off a muscular but thin figure, and a white silk blouse that looked tailored and elegant. She had on expensive-looking black loafers with no socks. And her jewellery, which consisted of gold earrings, a gold bracelet, and a gold choker, were from a line Jessica recognized from one of the most exclusive jewellery catalogs she’d seen at Lila’s house”. Well, look at miss fancy pants! Heather is super hot, with “long blong hair that was wavy and curly and hung in layers around her face. She had big blue eyes and a dainty little nose, and as much as Jessica hated to admit it to herself - she was beautiful”. Wow, wavy and curly. It’s clear Heather is a hottie. She’s also a senior and was - wait for it - a huge deal on her old cheerleading team. Uh oh. Jessica knows she’s bad news when she insults Jess by saying,
“What an adorable little blouse you’re wearing. It’s so, uh…retro.”
Then when Jess is like “excuse me, bitch?” Heather’s all, “Yeah, you know, that look’s really trendy these days”. After Heather walks off (with Bruce! I was right about their cars being a match made in heaven), Jessica immediately starts bitching about how rude Heather was to her. Um, wtf? I know Heather says the first comment pretty condescendingly, but “retro” is not an insult, and neither is “trendy”. Jess needs to chill her paranoid ass the fuck out.
But then it turns out she’s right. Heather is super nice to everyone but underhandedly rude to Jess, insulting her fettucine at lunch for being “loaded with fat” and talking about how dated the cheerleader’s moves are. None of Jessica’s friends catch on though, they all practically salivate over her. And now there’s competition - it turns out Heather’s old cheerleading squad were state champions for seven years in a row - and Heather was the captain. Worst of all, Heather gets on really well with Lila and seems suspiciously interested in Ken. This bitch has a case of the single white females fo sho!
Also during lunch: Ken nervously asks Jessica out for the weekend and she accepts.
Flash to Liz and Todd in the Oracle office. Liz needs something to “spice up” her gossip column and Todd suggests she write about Ken and Jess’ date. Liz is totes jealous and when Todd kisses her, she actually imagines Ken is kissing her instead. Gasp. Liz, you hussy.
Flash to cheerleading practice. Jess is about to teach the squad a new cheer she worked on all weekend, when Heather annoyingly shows up to try out for the squad. Jess tells her there are no available positions on the team and gives her a hilariously bitchy “…you can come back in the spring and try out with the other seventy-five or so girls who want to be on our squad. Why don’t you run along home now and practice, and come back next season?” But then Robin tells Jess she invited Heather to try out, because she thinks her expertise will be beneficial to the team. Everyone acts so damn enthusiastic that Jess lets Heather try out. She picks a crazy difficult combination for Heather to do, and tells her to do it in under two minutes, thinking there’s no way she can pull it off. Unfortunately Heather does - adding funky dance moves in between each jump as she goes! When she’s done, she hasn’t even broken a sweat (oh yeah, sure).
Jess is desperate, though, and insists Heather go away so the girls can vote on whether she can be on the squad. Of course, the girls all vote her in. But Jess insists there’s something she doesn’t like about Heather, and decides she will give Heather three “character tests” to see if she’s worthy to be on the squad. Jess is all “ah-ah-ah! Heather will never want to be on the squad after she sees what I’m gonna put her through!” to herself.
Sidebar: While she’s arguing with the team about Heather, Robin points out how much fuss Jess put up in the past about Annie being on the squad, and Jess is all “you know that was different, and that’s really unfair of you to bring it up”. LOL! Pwned, Jess.
At home, Jess and Liz discuss Jess’ date with Ken and Liz is really warny and all, “you shouldn’t date so soon after Jeremy, what if Ken hurts you too?” Of course, we all know the real reason Liz is so hot and bothered about it, but Jess just takes it Liz’s usual overzealous sisterly concerned. If she only knew =D Then Liz is all guilt-ridden and “why can’t I be happy for my twin?” So the next day she does what any 16 year old junior with relationship problems would do. Talk to a friend? No. She talks to Mr. Collins. So another extremely appropriate conversation ensues between teacher and student. In this one, stupid Liz actually tells Mr. Collins she is asking advice for her friend, whose boyfriend was out of town a few months ago and who fooled around with her boyfriend’s best friend. Not only does she make it completely obvious that she’s talking about herself (“Yes, it’s unbearable,” Elizabeth said, and then quickly added, “For my friend. It’s unbearable for my friend.”), but even if she didn’t, surely smart Mr. Collins, who knows perfectly well that Todd was out of state for a few months, would figure it out? Ah, Sweet Valley’s hilarious naivete.
At lunch, Jess gives Heather her first “character” task: sit with the chess club at lunch for two days in a row. Apparently, this is a test of Heather’s self-confidence. The cheerleaders are all “Omgosh! That’s cruel and unusual!”, but Heather’s all smiles and “I used to get along with everyone at my old school. I’ma go over there right now!”. Jess fumes.
Then the next day Heather has to go around the whole day in purple-and-green striped overalls and an orange cowboy hat - an outfit Jessica picked out of her father’s wardrobe to test Heather’s “depth”. But again it backfires, and everyone tells Heather how brave and cutting-edge she is to wear something so outrageous…even Bruce is all “you’re really pulling off that grunge look that’s so in style these days”. Continutity! This book was written in the mid-nineties, so I guess that really was in grunge’s heyday. Although I’m not sure if purple-and-green overalls or an orange hat would qualify as particularly grungy…fugly, yes.
Then the next day, Heather sings the national anthem in homeroom. Jess has asked her to do this to test her ability to perform in public. Unfortch! Heather has an awesome voice and has been offered several recording contracts. Look, she even brought her guitar with her! And now she’s gonna sing one of her own songs! Jess is all, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!”
Sidebar: Why is Heather in Jessica’s homeroom? It says earlier in the book that she’s a senior.
After school, the cheerleaders have a pow-wow. Although Jess still tries to keep Heather off the team, she’s pretty much lost the battle by now and reluctantly lets her in. At her very first practice, Heather literally jumps in front of Jessica and starts teaching a different version of their “Be Aggressive” cheer. Jess is really mad, but the other girls love it. And that’s how the rest of the practice pretty much goes.
Later on, Liz is at the beach thinking. Because it’s Sweet Valley, someone she knows comes along: Robin Wilson. Robin looks sad and confesses to Liz that her father is being transferred to Denver, Colorado. Goodbye, CHRLDRS! This is why she pulled so hard for Heather to be on the squad - because she knew there’d be a vacant spot to fill soon.
That night, Liz lets this slip to Jess and suggests she make Heather the new co-captain, so they are “working together instead of against each other”. Liz really is dumb sometimes. Which is exactly what Jessica tells her.
Then the next day at lunch Robin tells everyone that she’s leaving. Snifflies all around. Heather is all fakely “oh, I’ll miss you too…but wait! You can’t leave a cheerleading squad with only one captain. A successful squad should really have two captains” (um, weren’t you sole captain of your old team, Heathypocrite?). And then Amy (traitor!) gets the brilliant idea of making Heather the co-captain. Clap, clap, bitch. They have a quick vote on it, and of course everyone but Jessica votes her in. Heather: 2, Jessica: 0.
Then that night Jess gets ready for her date with Ken, and Liz is all jealous at how beautiful and sexy she looks in her skimpy white minidress (1: that’s kinda incesty, 2: Liz, you look exactly the same as Jess). She even tries to get Jess to ‘cover up’ and wear a kindergarten-y pink sweater, which of course doesn’t fly with Jess. Liz has a date that night with Todd too, so she opens the door, expecting TBT, to find...Ken. Awkward moment ensues. Then that night at the movies, ToddandLiz run into JessandKen, and the two couples go out to the Dairi Burger (where else?) afterwards to discuss the movie. Liz and Ken are acting all weird and their partners are all “what’s with you?” but don’t catch on. Also in this scene, Heather shows up and acts annoyingly flirty to Ken, who pretty much ignores her.
Next day the twins go shopping for Amy’s going-away party for Robin (it just aint SVH without a gratuitous party). Liz again tries to talk Jess out of a skimpy (peach this time) minidress, and Jess is all “I appreciate your concern, but I’m FINE and Ken is GREAT, leave me alone”.
That night, Robin makes her going away speech (who cares, really?) and officially announces Heather will take her place on the squad. Heather is primpy, Jess is angry. Heather’s outfit sounds pretty tacky:
“She was wearing high heels, a supertight pink miniskirt, and a white halter top, and her long blond hair was curlier and fuller than ever”.
I think Heaths is channelling Pamela Anderson. Jess spots Heather trying to move in on her Ken territory (“They were standing by the table, which was at the edge of the pool, and Heather was laughing loudly and gesticulating wildly”), and quickly runs over to fix her little pink wagon. I totally rooted for her when she led Ken away and “accidentally” bumped Heather into the pool in the process. Heather’s mascara runs all down her face, and Jess is all “Omgosh! Gee, I’m so sorry…but a word to the wise, Heather, always wear waterproof mascara to pool parties”. She did actually say the last line. I love Jess when she's bitchy but not insane bitchy!
Jess works really hard at some new cheers at home, but at practice, Heather totally undermines her. She starts practice early and “forgets” to tell Jess this. She teaches her new cheer with no time to teach Jess’. She insults the hell out of Sandy Bacon (she was featured heavily in SVH #30, Jealous Lies) and Maria Santelli (the Maria who dumped Michael for Winston in SVH #34, Forbidden Love). Jess coughs and splutters and feels sick: foreshadowing.
Next day, Jess sees Lila and Heather talking on the steps of school. Lila’s all “Last night was a blast, I’d love to do it again sometime!”. When Heather leaves, Jess is like “Lila, wtf is going on?” and Lila lets slip that Heather had ‘a bunch of people’ over the night before for a ‘get acquainted’ dinner party. The people were she, Annie, Amy, Barry, Rick, Bruce….and Ken. NOOOO! That bitch aint got shit on these double cheeseburgers, Jess thinks angrily. (If it were me, I’d be kinda mad at Ken, but anyway…)
At the game that night (they have games on Wednesdays?), Heather continuously jumps in front of Jess during cheers and makes herself the star by doing heaps of complex jumps and show-offy combinations. She also steals Jess’ thunder when a newspaper reporter comes along saying they were the best cheerleaders he’d seen in a long time.
The next day, Jess really is sick, and her mom forces her to take the day off from school. She reluctantly stays home, sure that it’s not a good idea to leave Heather alone to lead the squad’s practice that afternoon. Sure enough, later on she gets a call from Maria. Maria (crying) tells Jess that Heather kicked her and Sandy off the cheerleading squad. Yikes! Jess is steaming mad. (It’s hard to list all the times Jess gets mad in this book) (Also, this makes no sense…Robin was worried about a squad vacancy, so she appointed Heather to join…but Heather cuts two girls? By my count, that only leaves Heather, Jess, Annie, Amy, Jean West and Helen Bradley (I know, who da fuck?) on the team…6 girls does not exactly a large squad make). Heather says that if the squad wants to go to regionals, they need to ‘trim the fat’. Biatch.
Jess yells at Heather first thing the next day, but Heather pulls out Sweet Valley’s cheerleading rule book (she just happened to have it on her at the time), which states that if one captain misses a practice, the other has the authority to make any decision she sees fit at the time. So essentially there’s nothing Jessica can do.
Jess tries to talk to the girls on her squad and make them see reason, but for some brainwashy reason, they all stand behind Heather. Even Jean, supposedly Sandy's best friend. Jess goes and sits under a tree, despondent. Then awesome Lila comes up and tells her she admires the way she stood up for Maria and Sandy, and that she can now see what a snake Heather really is. Then she gives Jess a great pep talk. Those two can be really good friends to each other when it comes down to it.
But again Heather trumps Jess at practice. She's bought the whole team new uniforms - really skimpy, tacky ones. And she insists they go on an "absolutely no fat" diet, jog 5 miles a day and lift weights for an hour a day. On top of that, she wants to start every cheerleading practice with 75 sit ups, 30 push ups and 50 jumping jacks. Ugh! But the girls are all thrilled to do this if it gets them to regionals. Jess wants to throw up. She eats tons of brie cheese on her picnic date with Ken that night, just to show Heather. LOL, isn't this all so "Bring it On"-y? "You're a cheer-tator, Heather!"
That night, Liz feels all upset while Jess is on her date, and digs out a series of photos that she and Ken took during their short affair - pics of them cuddling and kissing (yeah, that's the way to hide a secret affair - keep evidence of it). But then she hears Jess come up the stairs, and stuffs the photos under her pillow. As usual, she's disapproving and sharp to Jess about Ken, even though Jess is really happy, and leaves the room in disgust. Jessica is mystified and sad, and lies down on Lizzie's bed. Then she feels something hard under the pillow...she pulls out the frame...and OH NO!!! What's this? Recent pics of Elizabeth and Ken kissing? Dun dun dun dun! Jess is shocked and curious, but hopes maybe they just got silly in a photo booth a while ago, and nothing more. Liz comes back in quickly, so Jess has to hide them again, but she vows to find out more as soon as she can...
That night there's a game, so Jess runs out there and pumps up the squad. Just when she's about to lead the first cheer, Heather jumps in front of her and starts leading the girls in a new cheer that Jessica's never even seen before. The moves are too complicated to just jump in and follow, so Jess is left standing to the side, looking stupid (see the cover!). This is the last straw for Jess, and she throws down her pom poms and yells "I quit!".
Jess goes home, sad. Then she decides that reading Elizabeth's diary will cheer her up! Well, not really, but she reads it to find out about the Ken affair. She reads every juicy detail (it even contains lines from the actual Elizabeth's Secret Diary, which is a kinda neat tie in). Jess realizes that Liz and Ken had a full blown affair and that Elizabeth, at least , is not over it. The book ends with her collapsing on her bed in tears!
Will Liz find Jess' tear stains on her sheets?
Will Annie and Heather have a lesbian fling?
Will Jessica start her own cheerleading squad and take them to regionals?
Find out the answers to these questions and more when you read the recap of #113, The Pom-Pom Wars. No, I'm serious...that's the name of the next book.