SVT #80: The Gossip War
Ahhh, "The Gossip War." At first glance, it looks like this is where the inspiration for the Mean Girls three-way call war came from, but really, it's a lame, bland, hot dog flavored substitute.
So on the cover, we have Jessica, looking evil and like she has oddly short legs. Ellen is on a payphone looking horrified. The whole impetus for Jessica getting three-way calling is Ellen having her VERY. OWN. PHONE. So I'm unclear as to why Ellen is on a payphone, as Jessica called her at home. Unless Ellen's home is outside a Kwik Stop with Jay and Silent Bob. Lila is just lapping up the drama. As she should. The tag says, "Three-way calls can be triple the trouble!" Anyone else surprised that a three-way caused issues for Jess?
We open with Jessica, Lila, and Ellen saying that the President's birthday should be a national holiday. No, not the President of the United States! The President of the Unicorn Club, Janet Howell! Mandy and Mary rightfully laugh at this. The girls are talking about what to get Janet, and Jessica whips out a piece of paper to start a list. Ellen informs her that some of the girls have already started talking about ideas, and she busts out her own list. Jessica wonders how Ellen was able to organize this, as she can hardly remember her own name half the time. Ellen says that since she has her own phone, it was just easier for her to organize it. Jessica has a hard time using the phone at her house, between her parents, Steven, and her identical but supa' different twin, Elizabeth.
The girls apologize to Jess for not getting the message to wear white and gold last Friday in honor of Johnny Buck's new album. They're also sorry she wasn't able to go to Sea World with them the weekend before. Do they just decide everything at night? No one talks about these things at school? And no one lives near Jessica, so they couldn't personally invite her to Sea World? I think maybe they just didn't want her to go.
Ellen interrupts the apologies, and they run down a list of gift ideas that Jessica summarily rejects. It comes to light that Janet, Kimberly, and Betsy saw a movie about 50s beatniks and have now adopted that as their new lifestyle. Someone suggests a new notebook for Janet, but Kimberly (who is dressed like a chimney elf) objects, saying that her ratty notebook is part of her soul. After a few more ideas are shot down, Ellen says that they should get her a gift certificate for a psychic. Jessica's pissed that everyone seems so excited about Ellen's idea, and she stomps off to sulk.
Elizabeth and Jessica are in history class, and they're learning about Communism in the (former) Soviet Union. Elizabeth keeps interrupting people (including Lila, who knows quite a bit about Communism), and it's pissing me off. The teacher talks about the Iron Curtain and the Cold War, and ominously says that a cold war can be the most damaging kind. Dun dun dun!
Ellen gets home from school and thinks about how awesome her see-through phone is. Even Lila doesn't have a phone that cool! Was that really a rarity? I knew at least four girls who had that phone!
She pulls out the chart that her mom helped her make. It has three columns that say, "Name, Date Called, and Comments." Her mom really had to help her make that? I think Ellen's a little touched. Anyway, she starts calling girls to convince them to have Janet's party at her house. Tamara thinks it's a great idea since Ellen's backyard is huge. Ellen notes this on her super awesome chart. She calls Kimberly, but her dad barges into her room and embarrasses her. She wonders how she'll be able to change her reputation with the Unicorns if her dad's such a dork.
Jessica's pouting about how Ellen is plotting the takeover of Janet's party, and has the brilliant idea to have Janet's party at her house. She goes to call the girls, but Steven's on the phone with Cathy and won't get off. She finally gets to use the phone and calls Tamara, who says that Ellen already called. Even though Jess has a pool, Ellen has a huge backyard. She calls Mandy, who says the same thing. As Jessica's trying to convince Mandy that she has the superior backyard, Liz interrupts and says that homework calls > personal calls. What a bitch.
Jess flounces downstairs and turns on the TV. She sees an ad for three-way calling and has a flash of brilliance. At dinner, Jessica executes her plan. She points out that it would make Ned's life easier, as coordinating when to pick Jess and Liz up drives him crazy. Ned still says no. Jessica pouts.
Steven mocks Jessica, calling her "roller-coaster head." WTF? Steven, you are so made of lame in the SVT books. Jess says that three-way calling would benefit all three of the kids. Liz could use it for her class projects and articles for the newspaper, and Steven could talk to his friends about basketball or something. I don't know. They decide to work to convince the Wakefields that three-way calling is a must.
Mr. Nydick (the history teacher) is putting the students into groups of three for a project on the Soviet Union. The project is "One way the Soviet Union affected American society was..." Liz is paired with Olivia and Lila, while Jessica is with Mandy and Peter DeHaven. Don't those two end up dating? Jessica seizes the opportunity to make this all about her, and asks Mandy if their group can meet at her house after school. She then asks Olivia if Liz's group can meet at her house, and tells Liz her super genius plan.
Elizabeth walks into Olivia's house, and Lila fills them in on Janet's party. For some reason, Olivia is all interested in hearing about Janet's gifts. Elizabeth wants to leave, but remembers the three-way calling plan.
Peter suggests doing their report on the space race. He tells the girls that he was part of the Young Astronauts Club, and Jessica hopes this will mean that he'll take over the project. I find comfort in the fact that even in times of crisis, Jess is still a manipulative, lazy student. Then Jessica decides it's time to execute her plan.
She calls Ned and tells him that she's ready to be picked up. He calls Elizabeth, who needs more time, so he needs to call Jess again. This happens three more times, and he's fed up. Steven says it's a shame that there's not a service that will help in this situation, and Ned realizes three-way calling woould work! Hook, line, and sinker.
Jessica comes home and gloats to Steven, who picks up the phone. Jessica tells him that she wants to test out the three-way calling, and Steven informs her that it takes a few days to be hooked up. She is not pleased.
The next day at school, Jess sees Grace and Mary and rushes over to convince them to have Janet's party at Casa Wakefield. Mary already promised her vote to Ellen, as did Grace. She tries to talk to Kimberly and Betsy, but they're being weird and just keep offering her java.
Elizabeth can't come up with a topic for her group report and Steven suggests McCarthyism. This is totally unrelated to anything else happening in the book, right, Francine? RIGHT?!
Ellen is mentally gloating about how awesome she is for convincing people to have the party at her house. As she reaches for the phone to call Lila (who needs more convincing), Janet calls. She can't make the meeting the next day, so she wants Ellen to have it at her house (since she has her own phone it will be easier for her to call everyone). Ellen calls Jess first, and Jess almost dies of shock. She can't make it to the meeting because Alice is having a new client over for dinner. Ellen tells her that it's too bad, they're going to vote on where to have Janet's party. Bitch!
The twins are helping Alice get dinner ready. The new client's name is Elvira, and she's opening a vegetarian restaurant called Earthly Delights. Alice is making her famous vegetable lasagna. As they're working, the Pacific Bell operator calls to inform them that the three-way calling is hooked up. ZOMG!!!
Ellen's running the meeting like a tool, doing attendance, calling it to order, and the girls are all laughing at her. Her nine year old brother comes in and gives her bunny ears, then her dad comes in wearing bermuda shorts and a hat with an octopus on it. Ellen rudely kicks him out, and he says that he has a basketball game to watch, since this is the only night Ellen's mom gives him parole.
Elvira shows up, and Alice starts presenting her ideas. Jess interjects and says it sounds beautiful. I find it a twee unprofessional that Alice let the fam sit around and watch her meeting. Elvira is not impressed. She wants it to be more free, as Mother Nature intended it. Alice offers her some cheese and crackers, and Elvira doesn't eat dairy. Guess she won't like the lasagna then. Especially because the vegetables are from Safeway instead of being organic. Elvira eats bread and salad and rides off on her bicycle.
After dinner, Mandy calls and informs Jess that Ellen won. She says that she really wanted the party to be at Jessica's. The last time Mandy ate at Ellen's, her dad left the hot dogs on the grill until they were drier than dust and Mandy almost choked. Jess is supposed to call Ellen and find out what she's supposed to bring, so Jess decides to three-way call her.
Ellen's like, "Hey, doesn't Lila have three-way calling?" And Jess is all, "Lila Fowler and motha'fucking me and that's IT." Ellen tells Jess to bring five dollars for the gift certificate and the cake. Then she gets confused and thinks that she told Lila to bring it. Jess and Ellen bicker, and Mandy gets uncomfortable and hangs up. Jess calls Lila, who says she's bringing the cake. Ellen tells Jess that she's in charge of cleanup (the book has this as one word...I would've hyphenated, but who am I to question the masters of SV?). Jess is as pissed as I would be. Ellen, you wanted the party at your house. Ergo, you do the cleanup. What a bitch. In her fury, Jess doesn't properly disconnect the phone and yells to Lila, "How annoying is Ellen? It figures she would stick me with cleanup. And after her father almost gave Mandy food poisoning, too!"
Ellen gasps and is like, "I can't believe you think I like attention! My father, the inventor of Toaster Streudel, will not be too happy to hear about this." The two of them squabble some more and Lila bails out. Jess apologizes, and Ellen makes fun of the hat Kimberly wore to the meeting. All is forgotten.
The next morning, Lila is in the limo on her way to school. She stops and picks up Belinda. She tells Belinda about the fight, and that Jessica said Mr. Riteman gave Mandy food poisoning. Belinda thinks that maybe it isn't such a good idea to have the party at Ellen's. She tells Grace that Mandy got food poisoning, which can be really dangerous. Grace had it once, so she knows. Grace tells Tamara that Ellen's dad poisoned Mandy-she was sick for a whole day last weekend! Tamara asks if she threw up, and Grace says probably-that's what happens when you have food poisoning. So. Tamara goes to Kimberly and says that Mandy was violently ill, throwing up all day Saturday. Kimberly's aunt (who was a schoolteacher) had food poisoning once and had to go to the hospital. Betsy walks up in time to hear about someone getting poisoned. She tells Mary that Mr. Riteman's in trouble with the law for poisoning a schoolteacher. Mary passes a note about this to Belinda, who says that she knew he poisoned Mandy, but didn't know about the teacher. That must be why he's on parole! The three girls tell Lila that Mr. Riteman's been to jail. Lila's shocked that there could be a criminal in Sweet Valley.
Jessica's group is working on their history project in the library, when Lila runs in and hugs Mandy. She asks if she's all right, since she heard Mandy was sick on Saturday. Mandy's puzzled, as she only had a cold.
Kimberly and Betsy corner Jess in the cafeteria, and she can't focus on what they're saying, as Kimberly has on a Cat in the Hat type hat, and Betsy looks like Mary Poppins. They tell Jess the story, and she thinks that the story sounds vaguely familiar. All of the girls sit at the Unicorner, and it has escalated to the point that Mr. Riteman is a serial killer. Jess is beginning to figure things out, and she asks Lila if she told anyone else about her and Ellen's fight. Lila says she only told one person. As Jess is getting ready to lay into Lila, Tamara interrupts that they should vote on a new venue for the party. It's a unanimous vote to have it at Jessica's house, and she decides not to say anything further about Ellen's serial killer dad. (Ooooh, did you guys see Serial Mom? I can so see Alice flipping out like that...)
Ellen brings her tray to the table, and everyone quickly runs away. Ellen wonders if it's because she brought a Twinkie, or if her tuna sandwich smells bad. Gross. I hate tuna. My husband hates it so much that if someone at my in-law's house is eating it, we have to leave. Anyway, Ellen corners Kimberly (who's talking to Tom McGay!) and asks what's up-she knows other people have eaten Twinkies and even Ding-Dongs, so it can't be that! Kimberly informs her that the party's been moved to Jessica because of Ellen's father and what he did. Ellen thinks it's because of the octopus hat, says she understands, and runs away.
Caroline Pearce comes up to Jess and says she heard Mr. Riteman poisoned a teacher from Sweet Valley High. The teacher was fired because she couldn't prove the poison was out of her body! Veronica Brooks (enemy of the Unicorns- she framed Jess for stealing all that stuff) asks if they're changing the name of the club to The Jailbirds. Everyone laughs. Jess is mortified. Veronica just wants them to change the name so she can join.
Elizabeth's walking home when she feels a cat rub against her leg. It's Mischief, Mrs. Harrington's cat! Mrs. Harrington was an actress in the fifties and sixties. Liz brings Mischief back to Mrs. Harrington's, and they start talking about the history project. Turns out, a lot of Mrs. Harrington's friends were blacklisted! Liz is going to bring Olivia and Lila back the next day to interview her.
Ellen is miserably wondering when the Unicorns will forgive her for her dad wearing an octopus hat. Janet comes up and asks when Ellen planned on informing the club that her father was a mass murderer. Ellen calls her dad at work and asks him to tell Janet that he's not a convicted felon. He complies, but Janet wonders how she's supposed to believe him. Ellen tells her to call the police department. Janet decides that's not necessary, and is determined to right the grave injustice that has befallen Ellen. Kimberly, Lila, and Janet decide to find out who started this, beginning with the sixth graders. Jessica's scared.
Lila's all excited to meet Delores Dufay (Mrs. Harrington's stage name). She even bought an autograph book! Mrs. Harrington tells them about her friends who were fired from their jobs and couldn't work in Hollywood, even after their names were cleared. Elizabeth gets home and starts talking to Alice about how people's lives were ruined by people making things up about them. Jessica gets uncomfortable, and Elizabeth says she just thinks it's interesting how people's lives can be affected by rumors. Oh, Elizabeth. You're sanctimony knows no bounds.
At school the next day, Janet, Kimberly, and Betsy inform Jessica that Mandy has been kicked out of the club. Jessica feels bad, and feels even worse when she sees Mandy crying by the water fountain. Ellen charges up and starts screaming at Mandy for ruining her father's reputation. Mandy runs into the bathroom crying, and Jessica vows to fix things.
In history class, Grace and Jessica comfort Mandy. Mandy tells Jess that she never mentioned jail, she just said the hot dogs were dry. After class, the three girls walk out of the room and Lila comes running up, demanding to know what Grace and Jess are doing with Mandy. She's not a Unicorn anymore! Grace asks who made Janet dictator, and Lila runs off to tattle. Come on Lila, you're better than that. Don't be such a lap dog!
At lunch, Grace, Mary, Mandy, and Belinda are sitting at their own table. Tamara, Lila, Janet, Kimberly, Betsy, and Ellen are at the Unicorner. Jess runs back and forth to try and fix things. She never actually finishes a thought or sentence, and basically ends up doing the shuttle run between the tables. It culminates in Jessica collapsing in a heap of sobs on the floor of the cafeteria after both groups tells her to eff off. Amy tells Elizabeth that Jess is crying on the floor, and Liz brings her into the bathroom. She tells Jess that she has an idea to fix everything.
That night, Jess is on the phone with Olivia and Peter, thanking them for their help. Elizabeth calls Lila and Olivia, and after they talk about the project, Liz tells Lila that she has to talk to Olivia about some stuff, so Lila can hang up. Then Liz immediately tells Olivia that Johnny Buck is going to be playing at Janet's surprise party. Liz hears a "cross between a scream and a gasp" (a scrasp?) from Lila. Next, Jess calls Peter and Mandy, and once she has Mandy "hang up," she tells Peter that Johnny Buck will be playing at Janet's party. Peter's all, "Wow, a party. Neat." Jess hears Mandy fall to the floor.
Lila calls Ellen and says that Johnny Buck is going to play at Janet's party. He's going to play all of Janet's favorite songs. Ellen tells Kimberly that Johnny is going to play a special song for Janet. Betsy tells Tamara that The Buck is going to give Janet a birthday kiss. Jess overhears Mandy tell Belinda that Johnny is moving to Sweet Valley. Lila comes up to Jess and says hi, asking if everyone's still invited to Janet's party. Jess just kind of shrugs and is like, "Eh, whatevs." She asks Lila to remind Ellen to buy the gift certificate, and Lila says that they don't need it. Then she corrects herself and says that she'll ask her to get it.
Jessica's getting the pool cleaned, and Alice comes out to bitch about Elvira. Jess suggests using picnic tables, candles in little buckets, and straw on the floor. Alice laughs and goes in to call her again. She comes out a little while later and informs Jess that she was fired. This was the lamest subplot ever.
Tamara, Ellen, and Lila show up to the party early. They're all super dressed up, and they keep looking around to see if "anyone else" is there yet. Lila looks around in the shopping bag of decorations and her autograph book falls out. She's all, "Ohhhhh...how in the world...Do you think everyone will fit in your backyard?" Jess just looks at her like she's crazy, and goes to answer the door. The other girls are the door, and they're also super dressed up.
At 7:28, Ellen looks at her watch and says, "Where is he-I mean she?" Jess says that she told Janet to be there are 7:30, and when she shows up, they all yell surprise, and Janet's confused as to why Mandy, Mary, Grace, and Belinda are there. She starts to leave, and Tamara runs over to whisper something in her ear. She gets all excited, and Lila says, "He wrote you a special song." Jessica's all, "Who did what?" And they all tell her that they know Johnny's playing at the party and moving to Sweet Valley and taking Janet's virginity. Elizabeth comes in and is like, "Hmm, reeeeally? He's moving to Sweet Valley?"
Jessica finally says, "Hmm, I don't know how he could be here tonight, since his European tour started this morning. Guess you guys won't be able to share milk shakes at the Dairi Burger with him after all. You guys look like shit, do you need to lie down?" Lila's like, "You said he was moving to Sweet Valley and would be here tonight!" Then the girls all turn around and accuse each other of lying. Lila points at Liz and Jess and blames everything on them. The girls are like, "We just said he'd be playing here. On the stereo. You dumb bitches." The girls are all pissed that they got played, and Liz is all sanctimonious and says, "Hmm, this all sounds a mite familiar..."
Janet walks over to Jess and says, "Thank you, Jessica. Truth's dagger sometimes hurts. Now it is time for healing. Love is more powerful than hate. Even The Buck would agree with that." Beatnik Janet kind of kicks Bitchy Power Drunk Janet's ass. Janet loves the gift certificate, and the girls all make up. Ned comes out and asks who's ready for a hamburger.
Monday at school Janet gives Jessica a gift for hosting her birthday party. This is a tradition, and Jess has been imaging what awesome gift she'll get for the whole book. She feels bad about the way things went down, so she gives the gift to Ellen. Ellen opens it and finds a tattered book of poetry. HA. I dislike Ellen immensely. I used to feel bad for her, but now she's kind of like Screech. After we found out what a crazy ass Dustin Diamond is in real life.
Liz's group gives their history presentation, and Lila talks about the rumor the Unicorns started as an example of blacklisting. I'm sure Mr. Nydick is thrilled. Jessica has to redo her presentation since she didn't contribute. Oh, Jess.
Mrs. Wakefield tells Jess that she found out how Elvira decorated her restaurant...with picnic tables, candles in little tin buckets, and straw on the floor! Jess is like, "Shoulda' listened, bitch! You'd have a big ol' check right now instead of nothing to do but clean!"
I have to say, I was really disappointed with this one. I remembered it being far more awesome than it was. However, I do love me some Mean Girls, so the three-way calling war was kind of funny. I think it's a little disjointed because of all the subplot wackiness...Elvira, the two different history projects, lot of Steven baby-talking to his girlfriend on the phone...reign it in, ghostie! Francine ain't winning awards with this kind of shit!
So on the cover, we have Jessica, looking evil and like she has oddly short legs. Ellen is on a payphone looking horrified. The whole impetus for Jessica getting three-way calling is Ellen having her VERY. OWN. PHONE. So I'm unclear as to why Ellen is on a payphone, as Jessica called her at home. Unless Ellen's home is outside a Kwik Stop with Jay and Silent Bob. Lila is just lapping up the drama. As she should. The tag says, "Three-way calls can be triple the trouble!" Anyone else surprised that a three-way caused issues for Jess?
We open with Jessica, Lila, and Ellen saying that the President's birthday should be a national holiday. No, not the President of the United States! The President of the Unicorn Club, Janet Howell! Mandy and Mary rightfully laugh at this. The girls are talking about what to get Janet, and Jessica whips out a piece of paper to start a list. Ellen informs her that some of the girls have already started talking about ideas, and she busts out her own list. Jessica wonders how Ellen was able to organize this, as she can hardly remember her own name half the time. Ellen says that since she has her own phone, it was just easier for her to organize it. Jessica has a hard time using the phone at her house, between her parents, Steven, and her identical but supa' different twin, Elizabeth.
The girls apologize to Jess for not getting the message to wear white and gold last Friday in honor of Johnny Buck's new album. They're also sorry she wasn't able to go to Sea World with them the weekend before. Do they just decide everything at night? No one talks about these things at school? And no one lives near Jessica, so they couldn't personally invite her to Sea World? I think maybe they just didn't want her to go.
Ellen interrupts the apologies, and they run down a list of gift ideas that Jessica summarily rejects. It comes to light that Janet, Kimberly, and Betsy saw a movie about 50s beatniks and have now adopted that as their new lifestyle. Someone suggests a new notebook for Janet, but Kimberly (who is dressed like a chimney elf) objects, saying that her ratty notebook is part of her soul. After a few more ideas are shot down, Ellen says that they should get her a gift certificate for a psychic. Jessica's pissed that everyone seems so excited about Ellen's idea, and she stomps off to sulk.
Elizabeth and Jessica are in history class, and they're learning about Communism in the (former) Soviet Union. Elizabeth keeps interrupting people (including Lila, who knows quite a bit about Communism), and it's pissing me off. The teacher talks about the Iron Curtain and the Cold War, and ominously says that a cold war can be the most damaging kind. Dun dun dun!
Ellen gets home from school and thinks about how awesome her see-through phone is. Even Lila doesn't have a phone that cool! Was that really a rarity? I knew at least four girls who had that phone!
She pulls out the chart that her mom helped her make. It has three columns that say, "Name, Date Called, and Comments." Her mom really had to help her make that? I think Ellen's a little touched. Anyway, she starts calling girls to convince them to have Janet's party at her house. Tamara thinks it's a great idea since Ellen's backyard is huge. Ellen notes this on her super awesome chart. She calls Kimberly, but her dad barges into her room and embarrasses her. She wonders how she'll be able to change her reputation with the Unicorns if her dad's such a dork.
Jessica's pouting about how Ellen is plotting the takeover of Janet's party, and has the brilliant idea to have Janet's party at her house. She goes to call the girls, but Steven's on the phone with Cathy and won't get off. She finally gets to use the phone and calls Tamara, who says that Ellen already called. Even though Jess has a pool, Ellen has a huge backyard. She calls Mandy, who says the same thing. As Jessica's trying to convince Mandy that she has the superior backyard, Liz interrupts and says that homework calls > personal calls. What a bitch.
Jess flounces downstairs and turns on the TV. She sees an ad for three-way calling and has a flash of brilliance. At dinner, Jessica executes her plan. She points out that it would make Ned's life easier, as coordinating when to pick Jess and Liz up drives him crazy. Ned still says no. Jessica pouts.
Steven mocks Jessica, calling her "roller-coaster head." WTF? Steven, you are so made of lame in the SVT books. Jess says that three-way calling would benefit all three of the kids. Liz could use it for her class projects and articles for the newspaper, and Steven could talk to his friends about basketball or something. I don't know. They decide to work to convince the Wakefields that three-way calling is a must.
Mr. Nydick (the history teacher) is putting the students into groups of three for a project on the Soviet Union. The project is "One way the Soviet Union affected American society was..." Liz is paired with Olivia and Lila, while Jessica is with Mandy and Peter DeHaven. Don't those two end up dating? Jessica seizes the opportunity to make this all about her, and asks Mandy if their group can meet at her house after school. She then asks Olivia if Liz's group can meet at her house, and tells Liz her super genius plan.
Elizabeth walks into Olivia's house, and Lila fills them in on Janet's party. For some reason, Olivia is all interested in hearing about Janet's gifts. Elizabeth wants to leave, but remembers the three-way calling plan.
Peter suggests doing their report on the space race. He tells the girls that he was part of the Young Astronauts Club, and Jessica hopes this will mean that he'll take over the project. I find comfort in the fact that even in times of crisis, Jess is still a manipulative, lazy student. Then Jessica decides it's time to execute her plan.
She calls Ned and tells him that she's ready to be picked up. He calls Elizabeth, who needs more time, so he needs to call Jess again. This happens three more times, and he's fed up. Steven says it's a shame that there's not a service that will help in this situation, and Ned realizes three-way calling woould work! Hook, line, and sinker.
Jessica comes home and gloats to Steven, who picks up the phone. Jessica tells him that she wants to test out the three-way calling, and Steven informs her that it takes a few days to be hooked up. She is not pleased.
The next day at school, Jess sees Grace and Mary and rushes over to convince them to have Janet's party at Casa Wakefield. Mary already promised her vote to Ellen, as did Grace. She tries to talk to Kimberly and Betsy, but they're being weird and just keep offering her java.
Elizabeth can't come up with a topic for her group report and Steven suggests McCarthyism. This is totally unrelated to anything else happening in the book, right, Francine? RIGHT?!
Ellen is mentally gloating about how awesome she is for convincing people to have the party at her house. As she reaches for the phone to call Lila (who needs more convincing), Janet calls. She can't make the meeting the next day, so she wants Ellen to have it at her house (since she has her own phone it will be easier for her to call everyone). Ellen calls Jess first, and Jess almost dies of shock. She can't make it to the meeting because Alice is having a new client over for dinner. Ellen tells her that it's too bad, they're going to vote on where to have Janet's party. Bitch!
The twins are helping Alice get dinner ready. The new client's name is Elvira, and she's opening a vegetarian restaurant called Earthly Delights. Alice is making her famous vegetable lasagna. As they're working, the Pacific Bell operator calls to inform them that the three-way calling is hooked up. ZOMG!!!
Ellen's running the meeting like a tool, doing attendance, calling it to order, and the girls are all laughing at her. Her nine year old brother comes in and gives her bunny ears, then her dad comes in wearing bermuda shorts and a hat with an octopus on it. Ellen rudely kicks him out, and he says that he has a basketball game to watch, since this is the only night Ellen's mom gives him parole.
Elvira shows up, and Alice starts presenting her ideas. Jess interjects and says it sounds beautiful. I find it a twee unprofessional that Alice let the fam sit around and watch her meeting. Elvira is not impressed. She wants it to be more free, as Mother Nature intended it. Alice offers her some cheese and crackers, and Elvira doesn't eat dairy. Guess she won't like the lasagna then. Especially because the vegetables are from Safeway instead of being organic. Elvira eats bread and salad and rides off on her bicycle.
After dinner, Mandy calls and informs Jess that Ellen won. She says that she really wanted the party to be at Jessica's. The last time Mandy ate at Ellen's, her dad left the hot dogs on the grill until they were drier than dust and Mandy almost choked. Jess is supposed to call Ellen and find out what she's supposed to bring, so Jess decides to three-way call her.
Ellen's like, "Hey, doesn't Lila have three-way calling?" And Jess is all, "Lila Fowler and motha'fucking me and that's IT." Ellen tells Jess to bring five dollars for the gift certificate and the cake. Then she gets confused and thinks that she told Lila to bring it. Jess and Ellen bicker, and Mandy gets uncomfortable and hangs up. Jess calls Lila, who says she's bringing the cake. Ellen tells Jess that she's in charge of cleanup (the book has this as one word...I would've hyphenated, but who am I to question the masters of SV?). Jess is as pissed as I would be. Ellen, you wanted the party at your house. Ergo, you do the cleanup. What a bitch. In her fury, Jess doesn't properly disconnect the phone and yells to Lila, "How annoying is Ellen? It figures she would stick me with cleanup. And after her father almost gave Mandy food poisoning, too!"
Ellen gasps and is like, "I can't believe you think I like attention! My father, the inventor of Toaster Streudel, will not be too happy to hear about this." The two of them squabble some more and Lila bails out. Jess apologizes, and Ellen makes fun of the hat Kimberly wore to the meeting. All is forgotten.
The next morning, Lila is in the limo on her way to school. She stops and picks up Belinda. She tells Belinda about the fight, and that Jessica said Mr. Riteman gave Mandy food poisoning. Belinda thinks that maybe it isn't such a good idea to have the party at Ellen's. She tells Grace that Mandy got food poisoning, which can be really dangerous. Grace had it once, so she knows. Grace tells Tamara that Ellen's dad poisoned Mandy-she was sick for a whole day last weekend! Tamara asks if she threw up, and Grace says probably-that's what happens when you have food poisoning. So. Tamara goes to Kimberly and says that Mandy was violently ill, throwing up all day Saturday. Kimberly's aunt (who was a schoolteacher) had food poisoning once and had to go to the hospital. Betsy walks up in time to hear about someone getting poisoned. She tells Mary that Mr. Riteman's in trouble with the law for poisoning a schoolteacher. Mary passes a note about this to Belinda, who says that she knew he poisoned Mandy, but didn't know about the teacher. That must be why he's on parole! The three girls tell Lila that Mr. Riteman's been to jail. Lila's shocked that there could be a criminal in Sweet Valley.
Jessica's group is working on their history project in the library, when Lila runs in and hugs Mandy. She asks if she's all right, since she heard Mandy was sick on Saturday. Mandy's puzzled, as she only had a cold.
Kimberly and Betsy corner Jess in the cafeteria, and she can't focus on what they're saying, as Kimberly has on a Cat in the Hat type hat, and Betsy looks like Mary Poppins. They tell Jess the story, and she thinks that the story sounds vaguely familiar. All of the girls sit at the Unicorner, and it has escalated to the point that Mr. Riteman is a serial killer. Jess is beginning to figure things out, and she asks Lila if she told anyone else about her and Ellen's fight. Lila says she only told one person. As Jess is getting ready to lay into Lila, Tamara interrupts that they should vote on a new venue for the party. It's a unanimous vote to have it at Jessica's house, and she decides not to say anything further about Ellen's serial killer dad. (Ooooh, did you guys see Serial Mom? I can so see Alice flipping out like that...)
Ellen brings her tray to the table, and everyone quickly runs away. Ellen wonders if it's because she brought a Twinkie, or if her tuna sandwich smells bad. Gross. I hate tuna. My husband hates it so much that if someone at my in-law's house is eating it, we have to leave. Anyway, Ellen corners Kimberly (who's talking to Tom McGay!) and asks what's up-she knows other people have eaten Twinkies and even Ding-Dongs, so it can't be that! Kimberly informs her that the party's been moved to Jessica because of Ellen's father and what he did. Ellen thinks it's because of the octopus hat, says she understands, and runs away.
Caroline Pearce comes up to Jess and says she heard Mr. Riteman poisoned a teacher from Sweet Valley High. The teacher was fired because she couldn't prove the poison was out of her body! Veronica Brooks (enemy of the Unicorns- she framed Jess for stealing all that stuff) asks if they're changing the name of the club to The Jailbirds. Everyone laughs. Jess is mortified. Veronica just wants them to change the name so she can join.
Elizabeth's walking home when she feels a cat rub against her leg. It's Mischief, Mrs. Harrington's cat! Mrs. Harrington was an actress in the fifties and sixties. Liz brings Mischief back to Mrs. Harrington's, and they start talking about the history project. Turns out, a lot of Mrs. Harrington's friends were blacklisted! Liz is going to bring Olivia and Lila back the next day to interview her.
Ellen is miserably wondering when the Unicorns will forgive her for her dad wearing an octopus hat. Janet comes up and asks when Ellen planned on informing the club that her father was a mass murderer. Ellen calls her dad at work and asks him to tell Janet that he's not a convicted felon. He complies, but Janet wonders how she's supposed to believe him. Ellen tells her to call the police department. Janet decides that's not necessary, and is determined to right the grave injustice that has befallen Ellen. Kimberly, Lila, and Janet decide to find out who started this, beginning with the sixth graders. Jessica's scared.
Lila's all excited to meet Delores Dufay (Mrs. Harrington's stage name). She even bought an autograph book! Mrs. Harrington tells them about her friends who were fired from their jobs and couldn't work in Hollywood, even after their names were cleared. Elizabeth gets home and starts talking to Alice about how people's lives were ruined by people making things up about them. Jessica gets uncomfortable, and Elizabeth says she just thinks it's interesting how people's lives can be affected by rumors. Oh, Elizabeth. You're sanctimony knows no bounds.
At school the next day, Janet, Kimberly, and Betsy inform Jessica that Mandy has been kicked out of the club. Jessica feels bad, and feels even worse when she sees Mandy crying by the water fountain. Ellen charges up and starts screaming at Mandy for ruining her father's reputation. Mandy runs into the bathroom crying, and Jessica vows to fix things.
In history class, Grace and Jessica comfort Mandy. Mandy tells Jess that she never mentioned jail, she just said the hot dogs were dry. After class, the three girls walk out of the room and Lila comes running up, demanding to know what Grace and Jess are doing with Mandy. She's not a Unicorn anymore! Grace asks who made Janet dictator, and Lila runs off to tattle. Come on Lila, you're better than that. Don't be such a lap dog!
At lunch, Grace, Mary, Mandy, and Belinda are sitting at their own table. Tamara, Lila, Janet, Kimberly, Betsy, and Ellen are at the Unicorner. Jess runs back and forth to try and fix things. She never actually finishes a thought or sentence, and basically ends up doing the shuttle run between the tables. It culminates in Jessica collapsing in a heap of sobs on the floor of the cafeteria after both groups tells her to eff off. Amy tells Elizabeth that Jess is crying on the floor, and Liz brings her into the bathroom. She tells Jess that she has an idea to fix everything.
That night, Jess is on the phone with Olivia and Peter, thanking them for their help. Elizabeth calls Lila and Olivia, and after they talk about the project, Liz tells Lila that she has to talk to Olivia about some stuff, so Lila can hang up. Then Liz immediately tells Olivia that Johnny Buck is going to be playing at Janet's surprise party. Liz hears a "cross between a scream and a gasp" (a scrasp?) from Lila. Next, Jess calls Peter and Mandy, and once she has Mandy "hang up," she tells Peter that Johnny Buck will be playing at Janet's party. Peter's all, "Wow, a party. Neat." Jess hears Mandy fall to the floor.
Lila calls Ellen and says that Johnny Buck is going to play at Janet's party. He's going to play all of Janet's favorite songs. Ellen tells Kimberly that Johnny is going to play a special song for Janet. Betsy tells Tamara that The Buck is going to give Janet a birthday kiss. Jess overhears Mandy tell Belinda that Johnny is moving to Sweet Valley. Lila comes up to Jess and says hi, asking if everyone's still invited to Janet's party. Jess just kind of shrugs and is like, "Eh, whatevs." She asks Lila to remind Ellen to buy the gift certificate, and Lila says that they don't need it. Then she corrects herself and says that she'll ask her to get it.
Jessica's getting the pool cleaned, and Alice comes out to bitch about Elvira. Jess suggests using picnic tables, candles in little buckets, and straw on the floor. Alice laughs and goes in to call her again. She comes out a little while later and informs Jess that she was fired. This was the lamest subplot ever.
Tamara, Ellen, and Lila show up to the party early. They're all super dressed up, and they keep looking around to see if "anyone else" is there yet. Lila looks around in the shopping bag of decorations and her autograph book falls out. She's all, "Ohhhhh...how in the world...Do you think everyone will fit in your backyard?" Jess just looks at her like she's crazy, and goes to answer the door. The other girls are the door, and they're also super dressed up.
At 7:28, Ellen looks at her watch and says, "Where is he-I mean she?" Jess says that she told Janet to be there are 7:30, and when she shows up, they all yell surprise, and Janet's confused as to why Mandy, Mary, Grace, and Belinda are there. She starts to leave, and Tamara runs over to whisper something in her ear. She gets all excited, and Lila says, "He wrote you a special song." Jessica's all, "Who did what?" And they all tell her that they know Johnny's playing at the party and moving to Sweet Valley and taking Janet's virginity. Elizabeth comes in and is like, "Hmm, reeeeally? He's moving to Sweet Valley?"
Jessica finally says, "Hmm, I don't know how he could be here tonight, since his European tour started this morning. Guess you guys won't be able to share milk shakes at the Dairi Burger with him after all. You guys look like shit, do you need to lie down?" Lila's like, "You said he was moving to Sweet Valley and would be here tonight!" Then the girls all turn around and accuse each other of lying. Lila points at Liz and Jess and blames everything on them. The girls are like, "We just said he'd be playing here. On the stereo. You dumb bitches." The girls are all pissed that they got played, and Liz is all sanctimonious and says, "Hmm, this all sounds a mite familiar..."
Janet walks over to Jess and says, "Thank you, Jessica. Truth's dagger sometimes hurts. Now it is time for healing. Love is more powerful than hate. Even The Buck would agree with that." Beatnik Janet kind of kicks Bitchy Power Drunk Janet's ass. Janet loves the gift certificate, and the girls all make up. Ned comes out and asks who's ready for a hamburger.
Monday at school Janet gives Jessica a gift for hosting her birthday party. This is a tradition, and Jess has been imaging what awesome gift she'll get for the whole book. She feels bad about the way things went down, so she gives the gift to Ellen. Ellen opens it and finds a tattered book of poetry. HA. I dislike Ellen immensely. I used to feel bad for her, but now she's kind of like Screech. After we found out what a crazy ass Dustin Diamond is in real life.
Liz's group gives their history presentation, and Lila talks about the rumor the Unicorns started as an example of blacklisting. I'm sure Mr. Nydick is thrilled. Jessica has to redo her presentation since she didn't contribute. Oh, Jess.
Mrs. Wakefield tells Jess that she found out how Elvira decorated her restaurant...with picnic tables, candles in little tin buckets, and straw on the floor! Jess is like, "Shoulda' listened, bitch! You'd have a big ol' check right now instead of nothing to do but clean!"
I have to say, I was really disappointed with this one. I remembered it being far more awesome than it was. However, I do love me some Mean Girls, so the three-way calling war was kind of funny. I think it's a little disjointed because of all the subplot wackiness...Elvira, the two different history projects, lot of Steven baby-talking to his girlfriend on the phone...reign it in, ghostie! Francine ain't winning awards with this kind of shit!