Sweet Valley University #57: Who Knew?
Sweet Valley University #57: Who Knew?
In which Elizabeth Wakefield demonstrates the techniques she learned from all of her past stalkers and my apathy for Sam-Burgess, not Woodruff-grows ever larger.
I'm not entirely sure which twin is supposed to be on the cover, but I assume it's Jessica because it's the same model, in the same outfit, as on the cover of Jessica's Secret Diary Volume III. Which is really lazy, considering the character has supposedly aged about three years between the two books. It does appear that they flipped the picture, because the part is on the other side. Someone spent a whole fifteen seconds with MS Paint.
My favorite part about this cover, though? The girl's roots are showing. It could be that cuffs and collar don't match on the twins, but I'd like to think it's Margo. Hi, Margo!
The book opens with Elizabeth waking up in Sam's bed. Gasp! Shock! Yeah, right. Like I even need to tell you she's there alone. Saint Liz's precious virginity is still intact and waiting for Max. Jessica bursts in and nearly hits the ceiling, but Elizabeth assures Jessica that "if I ever lose my virginity, you'll be the second person to know." Wouldn't she be third? Or is Liz planning to lose her virginity solo?
Elizabeth explains that she was sleeping in Sam's bed because she kissed him several days earlier and he's been avoiding her ever since. She's waiting for him to show up so she can find out if they're a couple. Liz, he bailed. I'm guessing he's not that into you. Jessica's opinion is that Sam is a big fat jerk, but Elizabeth insists that Sam just pretends he's a jerk to hide what a sweet guy he is on the inside. Her proof? Sam bought her a journal and a Bugs Bunny pencil. Elizabeth's standards just keep getting lower, don't they?
Meanwhile, Jessica is on a running date with Jason Wells. Apparently Jessica and Neil (her gay best friend) are both attracted to Jason. Neil insists Jason is gay, while Jessica is sure he's straight. They don't actually mention gaydar, but that's pretty much the gist of it. Jessica has decided to bag Jason just to prove he isn't gay, then dump him because "she'd never go after a guy a friend liked. That wasn't cool." First of all, screwing around with Jason's feeling's isn't cool, either. Second, Miss Lila Fowler begs to differ on the "never steals friends' boyfriends" part.
Elsewhere, Nina wakes up in her new boyfriend Josh's bed. Like Liz, though, she didn't have sex with him. Unlike Liz, the guy is actually present when she wakes up. However, he immediately starts ignoring her, making it obvious he wants her to leave. Nina wonders if he's being cold because she didn't have sex with him. I think he's being cold because he's a total ass. Poor Nina.
Sam wakes up in his friend Bugsy's room and still wants to avoid Elizabeth. Who can blame him? She's kind of stalking him. My Margo theory isn't sounding so far-fetched anymore, is it? Unfortunately, Sam is running out of places to sleep. So he's homeless and desperate. If he wasn't trying like hell to keep away from Liz, this is exactly the kind of situation where she'd step out of the shadows and pat his shoulder sympathetically.
Jessica is now having breakfast with Jason at Yum Yum's. Hate. That. Name. So. Much. She sees Chloe, who's with a dorky guy named Martin but not happy about it. That apathy for Sam that I mentioned? Extends to this entire Chloe-Martin mini subplot.
Meanwhile, Neil is trying to get the courage to call Jason. He's just as sure that Jason is gay as Jessica is sure he's straight. He finally calls, and Jason tells him about his run with Jessica. This bothers Neil, but he reassures himself that Jessica would never betray him. Um, Neil? Jessica always betrays everybody. She's Jessica Wakefield. Didn't you get the memo?
Sam is driving around in the rain (of course it's raining) thinking about Elizabeth and trying to think of a place to spend the night. All of the motels are full because of a big SVU football game. It doesn't say whom they're playing against, but I bet it's Big Mesa University. Then he finds himself in front of the Sweet Valley Resort Hotel-the luxury hotel Sam's super-rich parents own. Sam doesn't want to stay there, but it's his only choice. Poor Sam, being forced to spend the night at a ultra-fancy hotel free of charge. I don't know how he'll stand the pain.
That night, Nina comes home from the library to find no messages on the machine from Josh. She angsts about it, but then he calls to see if she wants to get together. She suspects that he only wants to meet for sex, so she turns him down. I don't usually root for Sweet Valley characters, but I'm actually kind of proud of her for that.
Sam checks into the owner's suite of the hotel, which apparently is actually in his name "for tax purposes." Plot contrivance on line one. As he takes a shower, he feels ashamed that he's violating his personal convictions by staying in the hotel. So he calls housekeeping to launder his clothes and invites his friend Anna over to share in the luxury. Seriously, is Sam supposed to be a sympathetic anti-hero sort of character? Because all I'm getting is hypocritical asshole.
Elizabeth is prowling the campus in search of Sam. I hope she's got a butcher knife. Welcome back, Margo! I missed you!
Anna shows up at Sam's hotel room and they talk about Elizabeth. She gets all teary-eyed hearing about the Bugs Bunny pencil, telling Sam that he's "such a sweetheart." Am I missing something? Is the pencil solid gold or something? Maybe I'm just jealous that no one's ever given me a magical, life-altering Bugs Bunny pencil. Anna tells him he's in love with Elizabeth, that he needs to talk to her about his feelings, and that if Liz is interested in him then she'll back off and give him space. I don't know about that last one, considering Elizabeth is currently tearing Sweet Valley apart trying to find him.
The next morning, the first thing Elizabeth does when she wakes up is go check Sam's room. She is dismayed to see that Sam's bed is empty, "each wrinkle of his sheets in exactly the same position as it had been the day before." Now I'm confused. See, I thought this was really Margo, but suddenly she's got Nora's OCD. Maybe they merged into one person, or they're tag teaming.
She freaks out over where Sam could have been for the past four days, and practically jumps on top of the phone when it rings. It's Nina, calling about her problems with Josh. Unfortunately, StalkerLiz blows her off because she's too caught up in her quest to find Sam. Yes, that's right: Saint Elizabeth is too wrapped up in herself to help a friend with their personal problems. I think that clinches it: we are definitely dealing with a doppelganger here. Nina gets pissed off and hangs up, but StalkerLiz shrugs it off and decides to skip her morning classes to continue hunting down Sam. Gee, Liz, I can't imagine why this guy is trying like hell to avoid you.
Neil bawls Jessica out for chasing the guy he's interested in. She tries to explain the "I'm just going after him to prove he's straight" situation, but for some reason that doesn't make him any happier. Jessica realizes that she needs to give up Jason, but I think we all know how well that's going to turn out.
Nina tries to study in the library but she's too frustrated over Elizabeth being a bitch. Nina should join 1bruce1. Just then, Josh sits down across from her and starts flirting. He suggests getting coffee, to which Nina agrees, assuming that he's trying to make up for the previous day. He then "casually" mentions that he just happens to have a cappuccino machine in his dorm room. Nina goes with him, pleased that Josh is showing an interest in her that doesn't involve sex. Oh, Nina. And you were doing so well.
Liz is just about to race out the door to continue stalking trying to find Sam when Jessica shows up looking miserable. Elizabeth asks if she's okay and actually hopes she just says yes so that she can leave. There's no freaking way this is not Margo.
Neil is worried that, even though he's positive Jason is gay, he isn't sure if he's interested in him. He calls to make a study date, followed by going out for a beer, which Jason accepts. Neil is thrilled, although I'm not sure that a study date-beer or not-proves the guy has the hots for him. If he's so sure the guy is gay, then why not just ask him if he's interested? Why dance around it and play games and analyze every single thing? Jeez, it's like middle school all over again. Pass him a note in study hall, Neil.
Elizabeth prowls the OCC campus in search of Sam, but still can't find him. She gets in the Jeep and starts thinking about the Finn thing, and realizes that seeing what a jerk Finn was made her appreciate Sam even more. Because...at least Sam isn't that big of a jerk? I dunno. As she's driving, she spots Sam's car in the Sweet Valley Resort Hotel parking lot. She heads into the hotel to see what he's doing there.
Nina and Josh get to his room, where he puts on "soulful" music and starts getting handsy. Nina hates the music and asks him to change it, so he puts on Jennifer Lopez. Gag. For some reason, Nina likes this music better. I would have thought Nina had better taste, but then again she is friends with Elizabeth. She relaxes as Josh starts telling her how special she is, how nice she smells, and how beautiful her skin is, and soon they're making out.
Nina puts on the brakes when she notices how fast they're moving and reminds him about the coffee he'd promised. He's "incredulous," but goes to make her a cappuccino. Oddly enough (riiiight), the machine isn't working. Josh is the kind of guy who "runs out of gas" out in the middle of nowhere.
Next he apologizes for acting rude before, explaining that he was nervous about how fast they were going. Nina is thrilled, and almost immediately jumps on him. The chapter ends there, but it's pretty obvious what happens next. Oh, Nina.
Elizabeth walks into the hotel and tells the clerk she's looking for Sam. The clerk directs her to the owner's suite, explaining that Sam owns the hotel. Elizabeth's brain does not compute.
Neil gloats to Jessica about his date with Jason, but she maintains that she's 100% sure Jason is straight. Does this really have to be an either/or thing? Aren't there any bisexuals in Sweet Valley? Neil argues that he can "sense these things," and I really wish someone would just come right out and use the word "gaydar" already. The argument ends with them each saying "Fine" back and forth, which is actually kind of funny. Or maybe I'm just bored.
Anna and Sam are lounging on the hotel room bed, eating room service, when there's a knock on the door. Sam answers it wearing only his boxers and sees Elizabeth. She says, "I'm not Elizabeth. I'm Sam," and lunges at him with a knife. "Your family owns this hotel?" and sees Anna in the room with him. She jumps to the obvious sitcom conclusion and runs away. I like my version better.
Anna tells Sam to go after Elizabeth, but he says it's better this way because now things will go back to the way they were before the kiss. Anna storms out, calling Sam a jackass. Well, she isn't wrong.
The next morning, Nina has a weird dream about doors and windows and drapes, then wakes up to find herself tangled in the blanket on Josh's bed. She instantly regrets having sex with him, and tries to get dressed and leave while he's still asleep. He wakes up before she can, though, and starts pulling her back into bed with kisses and caresses, and soon they're at it again. Regret? What regret?
Neil obsesses over his outfit before his date with Jason while Jessica decides she has to back off Jason for Neil's sake, even though there's no way Jason is gay. So, she decides to cancel her date with him the following day, but of course she can't do it over the phone. She absolutely has to go see Jason in person right that minute-about an hour before his study date with Neil-and break it off. (Facepalm)
Elizabeth is laying in bed, depressed and angry because Sam lied to her. Apparently, because he claimed he was poor and turned out to be rich, every single thing remotely connected to him is now a total fabrication. Now, I'm no big fan of Sam, but this really seems like an overreaction. Liz decides she has to snoop around in Sam's things and find out the truth about who he is. Oh, look. The real Elizabeth is back. I miss Margo already.
Jessica runs to Jason's dorm and is impressed by how incredibly tidy and "tastefully arranged and appointed" his room is. Does he also have hot pink designer shoes and a lisp? I mean, might as well hit all the big clichés while we're at it. She makes up a lie about visiting a nearby friend and starts flirting with Jason, and soon Operation: Dump Jason to Save Your Friendship with Neil is off to a fantastic start as they begin making out. And then Neil walks in on them. Oh, you knew it was coming. He runs off (of course) and Jessica runs after him (of course) but she loses him (of course.)
Nina tries to study, but she keeps thinking about Josh and how one minute he's affectionate and the next minute he's an ass. Apparently after the second time they had sex, he lost interest in talking to her and fell asleep mid-conversation. Nina wonders if maybe he's only sweet to her when he wants sex. Two words, Nina: Ya think?
Josh calls shortly after and invites her to dinner and a Hitchcock movie. Does Sweet Valley ever show modern movies, or are they still waiting on their post-1950's film shipment? Nina is happy again, convinced that she and Josh really have a future. Oh, Nina.
As Elizabeth snoops around in Sam's room, she thinks "she had never done anything so sneaky, and the whole thing just felt wrong." Between her constant cheating and her pathological need to involve herself in other people's personal lives, I call total BS. She rationalizes that at least she isn't deceiving him to his face. Yes. Much better to sneak around and deceive him behind his back.
The overreacting continues as she decides that, even though he claims to be a pacifist, since he's actually rich he probably goes to Africa and shoots endangered species. I don't think I've ever wanted to reach into a book and slap someone as much as I do right now.
Elizabeth prepares to rifle through his things, including reading his e-mail and checking his stock portfolio. Suddenly she has a moment of clarity self-doubt and considers that maybe Sam only lied about having money. She quickly dismisses that thought, though, positive that Sam is definitely an evil lying liar who lies. Still, she decides she has too much decency (snort) to go through Sam's private things, so she leaves.
Neil returns home, furious and confused, but still convinced that Jason is gay. Oh, and he finally just says the word "gaydar." It's about time. He and Liz have a pity party about their guy problems, and Elizabeth tries to think of some explanation for what Jessica did. She fails completely because after all these years, she still hasn't figured out that her sister is simply a cast-iron bitch.
Sam goes to Frankie's, and we get a Todd Wilkins cameo. Hi, Todd! Feel free to punch Sam if you want. Sam thinks Todd "wasn't that bad...compared to Elizabeth's other ex-boyfriends." All two of them? What other boyfriends besides Todd and Tom has she had at SVU? I guess if you count William White, Todd is definitely not bad at all. Anyway, Sam decides he has to tell Elizabeth the truth about everything.
Elizabeth, meanwhile, decides she wants to talk to Nina about her dilemma, but something's nagging at the back of her mind about that idea. Oh, right! Liz completely blew her off last time Nina came to her with a problem! Yeah, that could make things awkward when Liz goes whining to her. No problem, though: "How complicated could it be? Nina was pretty inexperienced with guys, and Elizabeth was pretty sure that she could figure out what was going on in a jiffy and give her the Wakefield diagnosis." I want to cut this quote out of my book and frame it. Oh, and I want to slap Liz even more than I did before.
She calls Nina, sounding extra chipper to try to make up for her earlier bitchiness. Nina doesn't buy it, though, and when Elizabeth tries to bring up her own problem, she cuts her off. Elizabeth takes a "motherly tone" and offers a half-hearted apology, but Nina pretty much tells her to go screw herself and hangs up. Burn. Elizabeth decides the problem is Nina, not her. Because I guess Nina should accept Elizabeth's callous neglect and simply be grateful she's allowed to associate with she-of-the-Pacific-Ocean-colored-eyes.
Nina, on the other hand, feels bad about how she treated Elizabeth, but figures that Liz is such a perfectionist that she'll find a way to convince herself that it isn't her fault. I love all of the insights we're getting into Liz's true personality in this book. I have to include this quote, too: "Nina knew perfectly well that most of the time their relationship was really more about Elizabeth. Nina had an important role to play, but everyone knew that Elizabeth was the star." Somewhere, AlexEnid just yelled out, "Can I get an amen?"
Elizabeth has decided to switch to Plan B: confide in Jessica instead. She explains the Sam situation to her and finally gets the validation sympathy she's been looking for.
Sam finally comes home, where Neil is apparently angrier at Sam for being secretly rich than he is at Jessica for stabbing him in the back. Oh, I forgot: Sam upset Liz, and Liz is "the star." Sam explains that even though his parents are rich, he wants to make it on his own terms. Neil forgives him for having money and wishes him luck explaining himself to Elizabeth.
Elizabeth lies awake at 1:11 in the morning, wishing she had never met Sam. She even starts coming up with "an imaginary scenario where Sam Burgess didn't exist" before she remembers that her wishes never come true. O RLY? I was kind of hoping that at this point a preteen angel would show up and take Elizabeth on a magical tour of a world without Sam. Would have been more interesting than all of her damn moping.
She blames the journal for everything, because if Sam hadn't given it to her as a gift, she wouldn't have kissed him, he wouldn't have run off, and she wouldn't have caught him with Anna and discovered his secret. I think the Bugs Bunny pencil deserves its share of the blame, too.
Sam knocks and enters, trying to explain. He doesn't get far before Elizabeth gets pissed off at him again and kicks him out of her room. Look, we're nearly 200 pages in now. Could we maybe speed this train wreck of a plot up a bit?
Nina is back to feeling confused about Josh and his ulterior motives. She runs into Dan, a friend of Josh's, and invites him to go get coffee so she can feel him out about Josh. Yeah, no ulterior motives there.
Meanwhile, Jessica actually feels guilty (that's right, guilty) for betraying Neil. As she goes to apologize to him, she runs into Chloe and Martin again. Chloe is still embarrassed to be seen with dorky Martin, and I'm still bored with this whole side story. Jessica thinks, "You're as immature as I used to be. But stuff'll happen that'll make you grow up. You'll see." Stuff like stalkers and dead boyfriends and multiple attempted murders? Because all of that did jack for you, Jessica.
Nina is at the Stupid Name Café with Dan, pumping him for information about Josh. Everything goes all right until he asks her out. Nina is stunned, but Dan assures her that Josh said it was all right because they have a casual "no strings" relationship. Nina is understandably not pleased by the news that Josh is offering to share her with his friends.
Jessica apologizes to Neil, who forgives her in the space of a page and a half. I would love to be as good at weaseling out of responsibility for my actions as Jessica Wakefield is. They both agree to give up Jason and go dancing together. That's it?! Lila Fowler would have two fistfuls of blond hair in her hands right now.
Where the hell is Lila, anyway?
Sam leaves flowers and an apology note on Anna's doorstep, but she catches him sneaking away. He tells her he's going to take her advice and tell Elizabeth how he feels about her. Unfortunately, when he gets to Elizabeth's room, she's not there. One might guess that she's in class, but that's just silly. At SVU, classes are always cancelled if a Wakefield is having a crisis.
Nina calls Elizabeth in tears, and Liz agrees to meet her at the I Really Really Hate It Stupid Name Café. Nina reassures herself that "everything is going to be okay. Elizabeth's coming to meet you." Sigh. Are there any problems that Liz can't solve? Has she taken a crack at that whole peace in the Middle East thing?
While Jessica and Neil get ready to go out, Jason calls to say he needs to talk to both of them. They decide to meet at Oh God Send It to Hell Stupid Name Café.
Nina and Liz meet and have the I'm-sorry-No-I'm-sorry conversation before Nina explains the situation with Josh-including her sleeping with him. Elizabeth clutches her pearls but recovers in time to offer some sanctimonious advice about sex. Um, last I heard, Liz was anything but an expert in that department. I bet she's just quoting a passage from her latest issue of Cosmo. Next Elizabeth tells her about Sam, but Nina sticks up for him. She makes a good case, and Liz is shocked-shocked!-that someone without Wakefield DNA could give good advice. They engage in some cheesy Lifetime-sitcom-style male bashing and leave.
Jason meets Jessica and Neil at the I Could Think of a Million Better Ideas Stupid Name Café and starts by telling Jessica that kissing her was a big mistake. Not because he found out about the high mortality rate for guys who make out with Jessica, but because he's gay. Neil's gaydar: 1, Jessica's gaydar: 0.
Apparently, Jason was using her to try to convince himself he was straight. "You're the most beautiful girl on campus, and I figured if I could be attracted to any female that it must be you." And that, my friends, was the sound of Jessica's ego inflating to the size of a planet. Next he apologizes to Neil for leading him on, but although he's attracted to him it's still too soon for him to start a relationship with anyone. Then, having fulfilled his duties in wrapping up this B-plot, he exits the story and enters the waiting arms of Tom McKay.
Sam has been waiting on the porch for Liz for hours when she finally comes home. She refuses to listen to his apology, yells at him, and slams the door in his face when she goes inside. Sam, deciding that doing stuff is too hard, gets angry and decides he's better off without her. He's probably right, but we all know the ghostwriters aren't going to leave it there. This is exactly the kind of angsty will-they-won't-they crap that actually makes me miss Todd.
Well, that's the book. Liz stalked, Sam balked, Nina talked, Jessica lip-locked, Neil gawked, and Jason walked.
In which Elizabeth Wakefield demonstrates the techniques she learned from all of her past stalkers and my apathy for Sam-Burgess, not Woodruff-grows ever larger.
I'm not entirely sure which twin is supposed to be on the cover, but I assume it's Jessica because it's the same model, in the same outfit, as on the cover of Jessica's Secret Diary Volume III. Which is really lazy, considering the character has supposedly aged about three years between the two books. It does appear that they flipped the picture, because the part is on the other side. Someone spent a whole fifteen seconds with MS Paint.
My favorite part about this cover, though? The girl's roots are showing. It could be that cuffs and collar don't match on the twins, but I'd like to think it's Margo. Hi, Margo!
The book opens with Elizabeth waking up in Sam's bed. Gasp! Shock! Yeah, right. Like I even need to tell you she's there alone. Saint Liz's precious virginity is still intact and waiting for Max. Jessica bursts in and nearly hits the ceiling, but Elizabeth assures Jessica that "if I ever lose my virginity, you'll be the second person to know." Wouldn't she be third? Or is Liz planning to lose her virginity solo?
Elizabeth explains that she was sleeping in Sam's bed because she kissed him several days earlier and he's been avoiding her ever since. She's waiting for him to show up so she can find out if they're a couple. Liz, he bailed. I'm guessing he's not that into you. Jessica's opinion is that Sam is a big fat jerk, but Elizabeth insists that Sam just pretends he's a jerk to hide what a sweet guy he is on the inside. Her proof? Sam bought her a journal and a Bugs Bunny pencil. Elizabeth's standards just keep getting lower, don't they?
Meanwhile, Jessica is on a running date with Jason Wells. Apparently Jessica and Neil (her gay best friend) are both attracted to Jason. Neil insists Jason is gay, while Jessica is sure he's straight. They don't actually mention gaydar, but that's pretty much the gist of it. Jessica has decided to bag Jason just to prove he isn't gay, then dump him because "she'd never go after a guy a friend liked. That wasn't cool." First of all, screwing around with Jason's feeling's isn't cool, either. Second, Miss Lila Fowler begs to differ on the "never steals friends' boyfriends" part.
Elsewhere, Nina wakes up in her new boyfriend Josh's bed. Like Liz, though, she didn't have sex with him. Unlike Liz, the guy is actually present when she wakes up. However, he immediately starts ignoring her, making it obvious he wants her to leave. Nina wonders if he's being cold because she didn't have sex with him. I think he's being cold because he's a total ass. Poor Nina.
Sam wakes up in his friend Bugsy's room and still wants to avoid Elizabeth. Who can blame him? She's kind of stalking him. My Margo theory isn't sounding so far-fetched anymore, is it? Unfortunately, Sam is running out of places to sleep. So he's homeless and desperate. If he wasn't trying like hell to keep away from Liz, this is exactly the kind of situation where she'd step out of the shadows and pat his shoulder sympathetically.
Jessica is now having breakfast with Jason at Yum Yum's. Hate. That. Name. So. Much. She sees Chloe, who's with a dorky guy named Martin but not happy about it. That apathy for Sam that I mentioned? Extends to this entire Chloe-Martin mini subplot.
Meanwhile, Neil is trying to get the courage to call Jason. He's just as sure that Jason is gay as Jessica is sure he's straight. He finally calls, and Jason tells him about his run with Jessica. This bothers Neil, but he reassures himself that Jessica would never betray him. Um, Neil? Jessica always betrays everybody. She's Jessica Wakefield. Didn't you get the memo?
Sam is driving around in the rain (of course it's raining) thinking about Elizabeth and trying to think of a place to spend the night. All of the motels are full because of a big SVU football game. It doesn't say whom they're playing against, but I bet it's Big Mesa University. Then he finds himself in front of the Sweet Valley Resort Hotel-the luxury hotel Sam's super-rich parents own. Sam doesn't want to stay there, but it's his only choice. Poor Sam, being forced to spend the night at a ultra-fancy hotel free of charge. I don't know how he'll stand the pain.
That night, Nina comes home from the library to find no messages on the machine from Josh. She angsts about it, but then he calls to see if she wants to get together. She suspects that he only wants to meet for sex, so she turns him down. I don't usually root for Sweet Valley characters, but I'm actually kind of proud of her for that.
Sam checks into the owner's suite of the hotel, which apparently is actually in his name "for tax purposes." Plot contrivance on line one. As he takes a shower, he feels ashamed that he's violating his personal convictions by staying in the hotel. So he calls housekeeping to launder his clothes and invites his friend Anna over to share in the luxury. Seriously, is Sam supposed to be a sympathetic anti-hero sort of character? Because all I'm getting is hypocritical asshole.
Elizabeth is prowling the campus in search of Sam. I hope she's got a butcher knife. Welcome back, Margo! I missed you!
Anna shows up at Sam's hotel room and they talk about Elizabeth. She gets all teary-eyed hearing about the Bugs Bunny pencil, telling Sam that he's "such a sweetheart." Am I missing something? Is the pencil solid gold or something? Maybe I'm just jealous that no one's ever given me a magical, life-altering Bugs Bunny pencil. Anna tells him he's in love with Elizabeth, that he needs to talk to her about his feelings, and that if Liz is interested in him then she'll back off and give him space. I don't know about that last one, considering Elizabeth is currently tearing Sweet Valley apart trying to find him.
The next morning, the first thing Elizabeth does when she wakes up is go check Sam's room. She is dismayed to see that Sam's bed is empty, "each wrinkle of his sheets in exactly the same position as it had been the day before." Now I'm confused. See, I thought this was really Margo, but suddenly she's got Nora's OCD. Maybe they merged into one person, or they're tag teaming.
She freaks out over where Sam could have been for the past four days, and practically jumps on top of the phone when it rings. It's Nina, calling about her problems with Josh. Unfortunately, StalkerLiz blows her off because she's too caught up in her quest to find Sam. Yes, that's right: Saint Elizabeth is too wrapped up in herself to help a friend with their personal problems. I think that clinches it: we are definitely dealing with a doppelganger here. Nina gets pissed off and hangs up, but StalkerLiz shrugs it off and decides to skip her morning classes to continue hunting down Sam. Gee, Liz, I can't imagine why this guy is trying like hell to avoid you.
Neil bawls Jessica out for chasing the guy he's interested in. She tries to explain the "I'm just going after him to prove he's straight" situation, but for some reason that doesn't make him any happier. Jessica realizes that she needs to give up Jason, but I think we all know how well that's going to turn out.
Nina tries to study in the library but she's too frustrated over Elizabeth being a bitch. Nina should join 1bruce1. Just then, Josh sits down across from her and starts flirting. He suggests getting coffee, to which Nina agrees, assuming that he's trying to make up for the previous day. He then "casually" mentions that he just happens to have a cappuccino machine in his dorm room. Nina goes with him, pleased that Josh is showing an interest in her that doesn't involve sex. Oh, Nina. And you were doing so well.
Liz is just about to race out the door to continue stalking trying to find Sam when Jessica shows up looking miserable. Elizabeth asks if she's okay and actually hopes she just says yes so that she can leave. There's no freaking way this is not Margo.
Neil is worried that, even though he's positive Jason is gay, he isn't sure if he's interested in him. He calls to make a study date, followed by going out for a beer, which Jason accepts. Neil is thrilled, although I'm not sure that a study date-beer or not-proves the guy has the hots for him. If he's so sure the guy is gay, then why not just ask him if he's interested? Why dance around it and play games and analyze every single thing? Jeez, it's like middle school all over again. Pass him a note in study hall, Neil.
Elizabeth prowls the OCC campus in search of Sam, but still can't find him. She gets in the Jeep and starts thinking about the Finn thing, and realizes that seeing what a jerk Finn was made her appreciate Sam even more. Because...at least Sam isn't that big of a jerk? I dunno. As she's driving, she spots Sam's car in the Sweet Valley Resort Hotel parking lot. She heads into the hotel to see what he's doing there.
Nina and Josh get to his room, where he puts on "soulful" music and starts getting handsy. Nina hates the music and asks him to change it, so he puts on Jennifer Lopez. Gag. For some reason, Nina likes this music better. I would have thought Nina had better taste, but then again she is friends with Elizabeth. She relaxes as Josh starts telling her how special she is, how nice she smells, and how beautiful her skin is, and soon they're making out.
Nina puts on the brakes when she notices how fast they're moving and reminds him about the coffee he'd promised. He's "incredulous," but goes to make her a cappuccino. Oddly enough (riiiight), the machine isn't working. Josh is the kind of guy who "runs out of gas" out in the middle of nowhere.
Next he apologizes for acting rude before, explaining that he was nervous about how fast they were going. Nina is thrilled, and almost immediately jumps on him. The chapter ends there, but it's pretty obvious what happens next. Oh, Nina.
Elizabeth walks into the hotel and tells the clerk she's looking for Sam. The clerk directs her to the owner's suite, explaining that Sam owns the hotel. Elizabeth's brain does not compute.
Neil gloats to Jessica about his date with Jason, but she maintains that she's 100% sure Jason is straight. Does this really have to be an either/or thing? Aren't there any bisexuals in Sweet Valley? Neil argues that he can "sense these things," and I really wish someone would just come right out and use the word "gaydar" already. The argument ends with them each saying "Fine" back and forth, which is actually kind of funny. Or maybe I'm just bored.
Anna and Sam are lounging on the hotel room bed, eating room service, when there's a knock on the door. Sam answers it wearing only his boxers and sees Elizabeth. She says, "I'm not Elizabeth. I'm Sam," and lunges at him with a knife. "Your family owns this hotel?" and sees Anna in the room with him. She jumps to the obvious sitcom conclusion and runs away. I like my version better.
Anna tells Sam to go after Elizabeth, but he says it's better this way because now things will go back to the way they were before the kiss. Anna storms out, calling Sam a jackass. Well, she isn't wrong.
The next morning, Nina has a weird dream about doors and windows and drapes, then wakes up to find herself tangled in the blanket on Josh's bed. She instantly regrets having sex with him, and tries to get dressed and leave while he's still asleep. He wakes up before she can, though, and starts pulling her back into bed with kisses and caresses, and soon they're at it again. Regret? What regret?
Neil obsesses over his outfit before his date with Jason while Jessica decides she has to back off Jason for Neil's sake, even though there's no way Jason is gay. So, she decides to cancel her date with him the following day, but of course she can't do it over the phone. She absolutely has to go see Jason in person right that minute-about an hour before his study date with Neil-and break it off. (Facepalm)
Elizabeth is laying in bed, depressed and angry because Sam lied to her. Apparently, because he claimed he was poor and turned out to be rich, every single thing remotely connected to him is now a total fabrication. Now, I'm no big fan of Sam, but this really seems like an overreaction. Liz decides she has to snoop around in Sam's things and find out the truth about who he is. Oh, look. The real Elizabeth is back. I miss Margo already.
Jessica runs to Jason's dorm and is impressed by how incredibly tidy and "tastefully arranged and appointed" his room is. Does he also have hot pink designer shoes and a lisp? I mean, might as well hit all the big clichés while we're at it. She makes up a lie about visiting a nearby friend and starts flirting with Jason, and soon Operation: Dump Jason to Save Your Friendship with Neil is off to a fantastic start as they begin making out. And then Neil walks in on them. Oh, you knew it was coming. He runs off (of course) and Jessica runs after him (of course) but she loses him (of course.)
Nina tries to study, but she keeps thinking about Josh and how one minute he's affectionate and the next minute he's an ass. Apparently after the second time they had sex, he lost interest in talking to her and fell asleep mid-conversation. Nina wonders if maybe he's only sweet to her when he wants sex. Two words, Nina: Ya think?
Josh calls shortly after and invites her to dinner and a Hitchcock movie. Does Sweet Valley ever show modern movies, or are they still waiting on their post-1950's film shipment? Nina is happy again, convinced that she and Josh really have a future. Oh, Nina.
As Elizabeth snoops around in Sam's room, she thinks "she had never done anything so sneaky, and the whole thing just felt wrong." Between her constant cheating and her pathological need to involve herself in other people's personal lives, I call total BS. She rationalizes that at least she isn't deceiving him to his face. Yes. Much better to sneak around and deceive him behind his back.
The overreacting continues as she decides that, even though he claims to be a pacifist, since he's actually rich he probably goes to Africa and shoots endangered species. I don't think I've ever wanted to reach into a book and slap someone as much as I do right now.
Elizabeth prepares to rifle through his things, including reading his e-mail and checking his stock portfolio. Suddenly she has a moment of clarity self-doubt and considers that maybe Sam only lied about having money. She quickly dismisses that thought, though, positive that Sam is definitely an evil lying liar who lies. Still, she decides she has too much decency (snort) to go through Sam's private things, so she leaves.
Neil returns home, furious and confused, but still convinced that Jason is gay. Oh, and he finally just says the word "gaydar." It's about time. He and Liz have a pity party about their guy problems, and Elizabeth tries to think of some explanation for what Jessica did. She fails completely because after all these years, she still hasn't figured out that her sister is simply a cast-iron bitch.
Sam goes to Frankie's, and we get a Todd Wilkins cameo. Hi, Todd! Feel free to punch Sam if you want. Sam thinks Todd "wasn't that bad...compared to Elizabeth's other ex-boyfriends." All two of them? What other boyfriends besides Todd and Tom has she had at SVU? I guess if you count William White, Todd is definitely not bad at all. Anyway, Sam decides he has to tell Elizabeth the truth about everything.
Elizabeth, meanwhile, decides she wants to talk to Nina about her dilemma, but something's nagging at the back of her mind about that idea. Oh, right! Liz completely blew her off last time Nina came to her with a problem! Yeah, that could make things awkward when Liz goes whining to her. No problem, though: "How complicated could it be? Nina was pretty inexperienced with guys, and Elizabeth was pretty sure that she could figure out what was going on in a jiffy and give her the Wakefield diagnosis." I want to cut this quote out of my book and frame it. Oh, and I want to slap Liz even more than I did before.
She calls Nina, sounding extra chipper to try to make up for her earlier bitchiness. Nina doesn't buy it, though, and when Elizabeth tries to bring up her own problem, she cuts her off. Elizabeth takes a "motherly tone" and offers a half-hearted apology, but Nina pretty much tells her to go screw herself and hangs up. Burn. Elizabeth decides the problem is Nina, not her. Because I guess Nina should accept Elizabeth's callous neglect and simply be grateful she's allowed to associate with she-of-the-Pacific-Ocean-colored-eyes.
Nina, on the other hand, feels bad about how she treated Elizabeth, but figures that Liz is such a perfectionist that she'll find a way to convince herself that it isn't her fault. I love all of the insights we're getting into Liz's true personality in this book. I have to include this quote, too: "Nina knew perfectly well that most of the time their relationship was really more about Elizabeth. Nina had an important role to play, but everyone knew that Elizabeth was the star." Somewhere, AlexEnid just yelled out, "Can I get an amen?"
Elizabeth has decided to switch to Plan B: confide in Jessica instead. She explains the Sam situation to her and finally gets the validation sympathy she's been looking for.
Sam finally comes home, where Neil is apparently angrier at Sam for being secretly rich than he is at Jessica for stabbing him in the back. Oh, I forgot: Sam upset Liz, and Liz is "the star." Sam explains that even though his parents are rich, he wants to make it on his own terms. Neil forgives him for having money and wishes him luck explaining himself to Elizabeth.
Elizabeth lies awake at 1:11 in the morning, wishing she had never met Sam. She even starts coming up with "an imaginary scenario where Sam Burgess didn't exist" before she remembers that her wishes never come true. O RLY? I was kind of hoping that at this point a preteen angel would show up and take Elizabeth on a magical tour of a world without Sam. Would have been more interesting than all of her damn moping.
She blames the journal for everything, because if Sam hadn't given it to her as a gift, she wouldn't have kissed him, he wouldn't have run off, and she wouldn't have caught him with Anna and discovered his secret. I think the Bugs Bunny pencil deserves its share of the blame, too.
Sam knocks and enters, trying to explain. He doesn't get far before Elizabeth gets pissed off at him again and kicks him out of her room. Look, we're nearly 200 pages in now. Could we maybe speed this train wreck of a plot up a bit?
Nina is back to feeling confused about Josh and his ulterior motives. She runs into Dan, a friend of Josh's, and invites him to go get coffee so she can feel him out about Josh. Yeah, no ulterior motives there.
Meanwhile, Jessica actually feels guilty (that's right, guilty) for betraying Neil. As she goes to apologize to him, she runs into Chloe and Martin again. Chloe is still embarrassed to be seen with dorky Martin, and I'm still bored with this whole side story. Jessica thinks, "You're as immature as I used to be. But stuff'll happen that'll make you grow up. You'll see." Stuff like stalkers and dead boyfriends and multiple attempted murders? Because all of that did jack for you, Jessica.
Nina is at the Stupid Name Café with Dan, pumping him for information about Josh. Everything goes all right until he asks her out. Nina is stunned, but Dan assures her that Josh said it was all right because they have a casual "no strings" relationship. Nina is understandably not pleased by the news that Josh is offering to share her with his friends.
Jessica apologizes to Neil, who forgives her in the space of a page and a half. I would love to be as good at weaseling out of responsibility for my actions as Jessica Wakefield is. They both agree to give up Jason and go dancing together. That's it?! Lila Fowler would have two fistfuls of blond hair in her hands right now.
Where the hell is Lila, anyway?
Sam leaves flowers and an apology note on Anna's doorstep, but she catches him sneaking away. He tells her he's going to take her advice and tell Elizabeth how he feels about her. Unfortunately, when he gets to Elizabeth's room, she's not there. One might guess that she's in class, but that's just silly. At SVU, classes are always cancelled if a Wakefield is having a crisis.
Nina calls Elizabeth in tears, and Liz agrees to meet her at the I Really Really Hate It Stupid Name Café. Nina reassures herself that "everything is going to be okay. Elizabeth's coming to meet you." Sigh. Are there any problems that Liz can't solve? Has she taken a crack at that whole peace in the Middle East thing?
While Jessica and Neil get ready to go out, Jason calls to say he needs to talk to both of them. They decide to meet at Oh God Send It to Hell Stupid Name Café.
Nina and Liz meet and have the I'm-sorry-No-I'm-sorry conversation before Nina explains the situation with Josh-including her sleeping with him. Elizabeth clutches her pearls but recovers in time to offer some sanctimonious advice about sex. Um, last I heard, Liz was anything but an expert in that department. I bet she's just quoting a passage from her latest issue of Cosmo. Next Elizabeth tells her about Sam, but Nina sticks up for him. She makes a good case, and Liz is shocked-shocked!-that someone without Wakefield DNA could give good advice. They engage in some cheesy Lifetime-sitcom-style male bashing and leave.
Jason meets Jessica and Neil at the I Could Think of a Million Better Ideas Stupid Name Café and starts by telling Jessica that kissing her was a big mistake. Not because he found out about the high mortality rate for guys who make out with Jessica, but because he's gay. Neil's gaydar: 1, Jessica's gaydar: 0.
Apparently, Jason was using her to try to convince himself he was straight. "You're the most beautiful girl on campus, and I figured if I could be attracted to any female that it must be you." And that, my friends, was the sound of Jessica's ego inflating to the size of a planet. Next he apologizes to Neil for leading him on, but although he's attracted to him it's still too soon for him to start a relationship with anyone. Then, having fulfilled his duties in wrapping up this B-plot, he exits the story and enters the waiting arms of Tom McKay.
Sam has been waiting on the porch for Liz for hours when she finally comes home. She refuses to listen to his apology, yells at him, and slams the door in his face when she goes inside. Sam, deciding that doing stuff is too hard, gets angry and decides he's better off without her. He's probably right, but we all know the ghostwriters aren't going to leave it there. This is exactly the kind of angsty will-they-won't-they crap that actually makes me miss Todd.
Well, that's the book. Liz stalked, Sam balked, Nina talked, Jessica lip-locked, Neil gawked, and Jason walked.