Sweet Valley University #22: Elizabeth's Summer Love

[hellobrisvegas]

This book is one of the most awesome books not to be recapped on this site. I can't understand why it hasn't been. Summer! Romance! Everyone living in a huge three-storey house together and having fun! It's amazing. I mean, look at the cover:




That's Elizabeth, canoodling in a pair of overalls with a guy who isn't her boyfriend. I shouldn't like that cover. It's a terrible cover. And yet, I do. It's the nineties-est thing I've seen all day, and she's happy, and he's happy, and OVERALLS OCCUR! Yippee! Hooray for everyone!

And you know what else makes this book truly epic? It's set in a place called SWEET VALLEY SHORE. Hells to the yes.




Manipulating this image all evening has made me doubt the existence of a merciful God.


Revisionist history from the first book in the series: Elizabeth, Jessica, Nina and Winston are renting a house by the beach for the summer, so that they can suddenly be lifeguards. I don't know what sort of training you need to qualify as a lifeguard, but apparently the rules are lenient enough that the first three got the job, but strict enough that Winston failed. Some guy called Ben and some girl called Wendy are living with them also. Oh, and there's a hot lifeguard the twins both like, but he's the stereotypical loner who has no time for love. No time at all!

Oh, and he and Liz kissed, despite the fact that Liz is with Tom. But it's okay, 'cause Tom's in Colorado for the summer. And Nina's boyfriend Bryan is in Washington. And Winston's girlfriend Denise is in Europe. Did you get all that, or is a map in order?

Jessica wakes up and bemoans her life, upset that her lifeguard job is not all fun in the sun and Baywatch impersonations. She has to hand out bandaids and pick up dog shit and generally look after everyone else, which she most certainly did not sign up for. She thinks about her new roommates Ben and Wendy, and mopes that Ben's ex-girlfriend Rachel is a complete bitch who is "head lifeguard of the rival South Beach Squad." The...the rival lifeguard squad, really? Why would lifeguards have rivals? Isn't everyone too busy saving people's lives to have a rivalry going on? This isn't cheerleading.

Jessica then thinks about her new boss, the tall, dark and handsome Ryan Taylor. Who is totally the guy Liz kissed in the last book, which apparently happened a month ago. So now it's the Fourth of July weekend, and Jessica is really not looking forward to all the people she'll have to look after at the beach. So then why become a lifeguard, Jessica, if you've no interest in guarding life? Jess is so unenthused, in fact, that she pretends to be sick and has Nina cover her shift at the beach.

Nina goes off to work Jess's shift with Ryan Taylor, God of Beach. (I feel like that would be his full title.) The weather's terrible, and Ryan Taylor is more than a little worried about the tons of people expected to pack the beach this weekend. He goes off to get the weather radio and leaves Nina by herself, which is a terrible idea, because she's too busy thinking about the awesome rave she's heard about that's happening on the Fourth of July. Dammit, Nina! Do your lifeguard job properly! Thankfully, Ryan Taylor returns and tells Nina that the weather report is looking so bad, he has to close the beach. Which he totally has the authority to do, because he is God of It. Damn, I love me some Ryan Taylor. I don't even know why. There's just something so tortured and broody about him. Anyway, Ryan Taylor starts going around the place putting up 'no swimming' signs everywhere.

Winston is at home, watching cartoons and thinking about how pathetic his life is. Ever since he got rejected for the SV Shore Lifesaving Squad, he's been going down to the beach and doing some rogue lifeguarding anyway, doing things like "[swimming] pretend races to the buoys" and "caution[ing] children who were perfectly safe" in a sad attempt to get Ryan Taylor to notice him. Oh, Winnie. Maybe start by not hassling strange children on the beach, and see if that doesn't help things.

Jessica spends her sick day talking to Isabella on the phone about Elizabeth's cheating ways. They both seem really shocked about it, as though this isn't something Liz does on a regular basis. Isabella tells Jessica that she's coming to the beach for the Fourth of July, because -- get this -- Danny is busy spending time with Tom, who's driving from Colorado back to SVU just to spend the holidays with him. I always knew there was something funny about those two. Isabella says she doesn't want to be a third wheel in her own relationship, so she's foregoing spending time with her boyfriend so that he can spend time with Elizabeth's boyfriend. Yes, seriously. I'm not making any of this up. Tom and Danny are planning a mancation.

Jessica, who apparently is not a total idiot, asks Izzy why Danny and Tom can't just come with her to the Shore. After all, Tom's girlfriend is at the Shore, Danny's girlfriend will be at the Shore, and why do they want to spend so much alone time together anyway? Isabella thinks this a perfectly wonderful idea, and so Danny and Tom's not at all homoerotic weekend together is thus ruined. All because Jessica wants Tom to keep Liz busy so she can sex it up with Ryan Taylor, God of Beach. Although, I am a litle excited that there'll be more of our favourite characters coming to the Sweet Valley Shore this weekend.



DJ Pauly D can come, too.

Meanwhile, Nina goes to the surf shop and flirts with a guy named Paul. (Who, as far as I know, is not the one from the above photo.) Jesus, these people get more and more morally reprehensible with every passing book. No wonder all the boys of Sweet Valley only want to spend time with each other -- their girls are monsters. Nina decides to buy a surfboard, pretty much so the ghostwriter can use a whole bunch of surfing-related sexual innuendo, like 'thrusters.' Paul wants to give the board to Nina in exchange for her virginity. (Probably.) She pays half price instead.

Paul tells Nina that he's quitting the surf shop and joining the South Beach Squad, aka the North Compton Clovers. She's all, "Aww, too bad, I guess we can't be friends anymore," and he responds by asking her to the rave and trying to kiss her. She tells him she has a boyfriend, and then they talk about knives. Seriously. Paul carries a diving knife with him, and Nina gets a little scared, but agrees to go to the rave with him anyway. Because why let little things like 'already being in a relationship with Bryan' and 'wielding knives' get in the way of a hot summer date?

Elizabeth goes to the lifeguard tower to see Ryan Taylor, who's still busy putting up 'no swimming' signs everywhere. He's noted as having a "washboard stomach," which, nice, ElizaPerv. His eyes are up here. They make small talk about the storm and the way Liz thinks too much, and then Liz asks him if he wants to talk about their feelings. He's all, "No." Understandable. Gods of Beach do not talk about their feelings. They barely feel. They just run around, shirt off, sunning themselves and occasionally saving lives. They've no time for things like love or thinking.

Wendy and Winston are hanging out, because Denise is in fucking Europe for the summer, dammit! If the girls can go around cheating on their interstate boyfriends without so much as a passing thought about them, surely Denise is as good as dead! Wendy comments that Winston wearing unwashed pyjama pants everywhere really isn't becoming, and so Winston calls her dog fat. Yup. This conversation is actually occurring. Suddenly, a delivery guy arrives at the door with flower for Wendy, from a guy named Pedro, who is some sort of pop star. I can't even begin to tell you how crazy this book is getting.

Exposition time: Winston knows Pedro something-or-other, the famous pop star, evidently well enough to blackmail him into going out with Wendy one time. Wendy found out that Pedro was only dating her because Winston was holding something over his head, and now she's all embarrassed about it. Back in the present day, Wendy and Winston have an uncomfortable tickle fight, and then Wendy suggests that Winston apply for a job at Hamburger Harry's, a local burger joint, instead of humiliating himself at the beach all day, being a pedophile vigilante lifeguard. Sounds like good advice to me.

Jessica gets a pedicure and congratulates herself on the day's scheming. That's actually kind-of awesome. Just then, Ben (their other housemate) walks past the beauty salon and comes in to see her. Jessica thinks about how disgustingly cocky Ben is, always running around town with a (literal) gaggle of women following him. So he's basically the Jessica Wakefield of the male form, and surprise surprise -- Jessica does not like it. Ben threatens to tell Nina that Jess isn't really sick...unless Jess agrees to go to the rave with him. Instead, she distracts him with her feet. They have a foot-tub fight or something odd, and he offers to paint her toenails. It's kind-of icky.

Nina walks past the beauty shop as well, sees Jessica and Ben feet-flirting, and yells at Jess for not really being sick. This is a rather awful subplot, and also, feet. Why with the feet, ghostie?

Winston goes to Hamburger Harry's to ask about the job when Rachel Max (Ben's ex) and her horrid squad of unnecessarily competitive lifeguards happen by. They tease him about his inability to swim, and somehow this leads to Rachel betting Winston that he can't beat any one of her squad to the buoys and back. Winston notes that "Rachel always wanted to make bets," which is an odd thing to note. I don't see how Rachel's gambling problem is any of his business. The race never comes to pass anyway, which is boring.

Ryan Taylor drops Elizabeth off at the beach-house and then leaves to do some God-of-Beachy things without her. (Read: putting up more 'no swimming' signs.) Elizabeth mopes about why he doesn't like her, and to be honest, this is all making me a little sad. The cover art strongly suggested that there would be some overall-clad cuddling action between these two, and so far -- nothing. Nobody's smiley or happy. They're angsty, and broody, and nobody seems to be wearing overalls.

At home, Elizabeth and Nina talk about braiding hair for a while, and Nina actually says, "Remember Bo Derek in 10?" What an excellent callback to the very first Sweet Valley High books. And I'm fairly sure it's deliberate too, considering Liz sighs and says, "Who could forget?" Go ghostie. Liz tells Nina that she wished Ryan Taylor would swoon for her the way Dudley Moore did for Bo, and Nina ignores her. Liz? Does not like that. She's all, "Hey Nina, did you hear the awful thing I said?" and Nina tells her that she thinks she's a terrible person, but hey -- everyone's a terrible person these days. Liz is no worse than anyone else. Oh, Nina -- RESPECT. If this book has taught me anything, it's that exact lesson.

The girls make microwave popcorn and talk about the boys they're leading on and the boyfriends they're being douchebags to. Elizabeth decides that she must talk to Ryan Taylor immediately so they can sort out all this stuff between them. Sigh. Liz, what stuff? He's not interested. You have a boyfriend. That sounds like a problem that's not really a problem at all. Let it go, girlfriend.

Jessica is walking home from the beauty salon, thinking about what a dick Ben is. And I agree. Look at him, going out with his rent-a-crowd of women, pretending like he's God of Beach. That's Ryan Taylor's bag, sunshine. Jessica spots Rachel Max, the evil ex, and rushes into a fortune teller's store to avoid her. Madame Wolenska (of course the fortune teller's named Madame Wolenska) does a reading for Jess, and explains that one of the guys she's hanging out with this summer is actually her husband from a past life, and she will hurt him before the weekend is up. Jess thinks she must be talking about Ryan Taylor, so she rushes out into the storm to stalk him some more.

At the watch tower, Elizabeth is badgering Ryan Taylor to talk about his issues, as though talking is a thing Ryan Taylor would do. Not happening. Just then, Ryan Taylor sees someone out in the surf and says, "Oh, sh..." because he is the God of Beach, and Gods of Beach are allowed to half-swear in these books. Liz sees him dive into the water to rescue whoever's out there, and just kinda watches for a second. Then she decides that action must be taken. Yay, action! About fucking time! And what is this 'action', I hear you wonder? Well. "Elizabeth stripped to her pale pink bra and underwear. Then she got on the radio and put out an emergency call." Elizabeth! You do not need to take off your clothes to make a call! What the hell sort of Jessica bullshit is that?!

Liz decides that since she's half-naked anyway, she might as well go out into the water and help Ryan Taylor. Note that this is an afterthought. They reach the victim, a teenage windsurfer. Despite the fact that this is a perilous situation and they're still out in the choppy water, Elizabeth feels the need to judge her for windsurfing in such dangerous conditions. Because Liz Wakefield judgement just can't wait until they're back on dry land.

Once they're out of the ocean, Ryan Taylor can't help but notice that Liz's pale pink underwear has gone good and see-through in the water. After leering at her for a couple of seconds, he goes to get some towels. Liz decides to leave their injured teenage victim on the beach to follow him into the tower, where he gives her a towel and a hug. Liz actually has the nerve to say, "Are we great lifeguards or what?" NO YOU ARE NOT, LIZ! Why don't we ask the girl you just abandoned on the beach whether or not she thinks you are a great lifeguard? But I guess all's well that ends well, because she's half-naked in a God of Beach embrace, and isn't that all that matters?

Jessica goes to the tower to see her maybe husband from a past life, Ryan Taylor. And see him she does -- cuddling up to Liz, who is in transparent underwear. Jessica runs away, vowing to call Tom the second she gets home and tell him about Liz and her cheating little heart. Then something hits her upside the head, and she falls to the floor, unconscious. Guess that windsurfer's madder than I thought.

Back at the beach-house, Nina is worried...about Elizabeth. The storm is raging, Liz is not home, and nobody really gives a shit about Jessica. Except Ben. He decides to go to the tower to check on her, leaving Nina in the house by herself. Just then, the doorbell rings. She opens it to find Paul on the porch, holding a dog corpse. Ha ha, not really. It's actually Wendy's dog, still alive, who's gotten sick from eating bad hot dog meat. Nina wonders who would give the dog hot dog meat, and so do I. Isn't that, like cannibalism? Paul's all, "Gee, I don't know who food-poisoned your friend's dog that I just happened to find," which sounds much less innocent coming from the man who probably has a diving knife on his person right now.

As it turns out, the job going at Hamburger Harry's is for a mascot position. Winston stands out in the rain dressed as a giant hamburger for about an hour before going back into the restaurant and quitting. Harry, of Hamburger Harry's fame, asks him to sit down and have a cup of coffee with him instead. Wait, 'asks' isn't really the right word. He insists. Maybe it's because I know the Sweet Valleyverse too well, but situations like this immediately scream attempted rape. But instead of trying to talk Winnie out of his Calvins, Hamburger Harry ups his salary and doesn't touch him inappropriately, which is refreshing.

Back at the rescue site, Elizabeth is still patting herself on the back for saving the windsurfer, even though it was mostly Ryan Taylor's doing. Someone named Captain Feehan comes in, and I have no idea who that is. Normally I'd assume he's a cop, but this is a nautical-themed miniseries. He could be an actual captain, as in Smollett, or Feathersword. Turns out, the world's most amazing lifeguards forgot to radio in that they were okay, so half the harbour patrol was out looking for them. Sweet Valley residents, your lives are in these people's hands. I hope you're okay with that. Captain Feehan chides Ryan Taylor for not putting up 'no swimming' signs in that area, and Ryan Taylor's like, "Fuck off, that's all I've been doing these last few chapters." Elizabeth tries to hold his hand, because I guess she thinks this is an opportune time for some hand-holding.

Nina and Paul are at the veterinarian's clinic. The vet actually says, "That's one sick puppy," because he's so cold and unfeeling that he can't even pretend to be serious anymore. He tells the two that the hot dogs were poisoned, and Nina's all, "Who would poison my roommate's dog?" Um, Nina? Maybe cast your glance to the left at the guy with the diving knife strapped to his person at all times, even when he's not diving. Nina's all, "Wow, Paul, we're so lucky you found him at just the right time and you happened to be driving a truck that got the dog to the hospital at just the right time," and then thinks about what a great friend Paul is. Nina, please. PLEASE. You cannot be this stupid. As predicted, Paul tries to kiss her again, and she gets frustrated with him.

Oh, and we've found the missing 'no swimming' sign. It ended up in Jessica's head. Really. That's what knocked her unconscious, a flying 'no swimming' sign. Captain Feehan yells at Ryan Taylor for not securing the sign properly. Hmm. Ryan Taylor probably thought he could secure the sign by yelling, "STAY!" and expecting the sign to obey the God of Beach. I know I would've.

Ryan Taylor is MAD. And granted, I know very little about Ryan Taylor, but I know enough to be scared. He tells Elizabeth that he'll take her home, and she says she'd rather go back to the tower and, you know, get her clothes? Ryan Taylor's like, "No clothes!" and forces her half-naked ass into his Jeep. She asks him why they can't just be together, and he has to spell it out for her again -- he's tortured, she's taken. Awkwardest car ride ever.

Nina is at the beach-house, thinking about Paul and the dog. Ben comes home and tells her that someone cut those ropes on the 'no swimming' sign that nearly decapitated Jessica. He suggests that the South Beach Squad cut the sign and poisoned the dog. Seriously? A lifeguard squad, whose job it is to guard life, is going to sabotage another lifeguard squad's attempt at guarding life? That's a thing people actually do? Nina can totally see them ruining the sign (really?) but can't work out why they'd poison the dog. Nina decides that maybe Paul is working with Rachel.

The next morning, the weather is perfect. Yay, beach adventures! Jessica is in her room, examining the huge bump on her head and getting excited about Tom coming down to the Sweet Valley Shore today. She's hoping that by not telling Liz that Tom's coming, she'll be caught red-handed flirting with Ryan Taylor. Because Jess, like everyone else in this book, is awful. And yet I always forgive her because she at least owns up to her awfulness.

Speaking of which, Elizabeth is working with Ryan Taylor in the main tower again. Ryan Taylor, I don't mean to tell you your business, but if you're the boss, why not just roster Liz on to work with someone else? It's not like she's the world's greatest lifeguard, or even Sweet Valley's greatest lifeguard, or even really a lifeguard. Ryan Taylor sends her off to put up some red flags, because the currents are looking too currenty...or not currenty enough or...whatever currents are supposed to be like. It's not really clear to me.

Liz goes from tower to tower, telling the other lifeguards to put out their red flags. Nina's like, "I was just about to suggest that!" which she totally was not. Liz heads on back to Ryan Taylor's tower and pesters him some more about why they can't talk about their feelings. Liz, for the love of God, kindly shut up. It's times like these I'm sure your parents really regret that embryo splitting.

The tense background music plays (ideally) and Ryan Taylor confesses to Liz that "something" happened last summer that almost destroyed his reputation and his lifeguarding career. Then he tells her that as long as she doesn't ask him any more questions, he won't ask her about her relationship with Tom. He mentions her "first time" with Tom, and Liz is too embarrassed to tell such an older, manlier, Beach-Godlier guy that she's a virgin. He asks her to the rave. Hey, Ryan Taylor? As far as the I-don't-want-to-get-close-to-you thing is concerned, asking Liz to go to the rave with you? Not really sellin' it.

Wendy sees a guy drowning in the surf and goes to rescue him. Turns out it's that stupid pop star guy, Pedro. She asks him what he's doing and he's all, "Oh, I'm just hanging out, pretending to drown to get your attention, you know. How's you, baby?" Jeez. Forget Paul -- I'm thinking this guy might've poisoned her dog.

Nina goes to the storage cupboard, only to find it wide open. It's just Paul, looking for some spare red flags or something. He's really starting to give Nina the creeps, so when he asks her if she still wants to go to the rave with him, she says yes. Of course she does. Then she thinks, "What about Bryan?" without adding, "or my safety?" and I really start to wonder about Nina's priorities.

At the boardwalk, Winston is at work, dressed up like a hamburger yet having the time of his life. Of course, this sort of fun must come to an end. He gets attacked by Hot Dog Howie, another fast food mascot. The people on the boardwalk start up a little betting pool to determine which one will win, and I have to wonder where that Rachel girl is, missing a prime betting opportunity like this. The bets get more and more ridiculous, and when Winston and Howie hear the commotion, they decide that this is a novel idea to make a little cashish.

Jessica is bumming around the beach-house, because apparently her head's too sore for her to actually work on the eve of the busiest day of the year. Sometimes I love Jessica Wakefield a little too much to be normal. Ben comes home with two women, clearly ready to get his threesome on. He checks in on Jess, which is nice of him considering he's supposed to be the asshole of the piece, and then goes into the kitchen to grab two bananas. For, uh, "a snack." Sure thing, ghostwriter. I see what you did there. Jessica looks at the bananas gripped in Ben's hand and immediately thinks of...pistols. Yup, pistols. She remembers a dream she thinks she had at one point. Oh, crap. Hand to God, if it turns out that Ben and Jessica knew each other in a past life in the ol' West, I'm contacting the scriptwriters of Beverly Hills 90210 and suggesting they sue.

Just then, Isabella arrives with Tom and Danny in tow. Isabella mentions that Danny had trouble getting out of bed this morning, because he's still mourning the death of his and Tom's quality mancation time. Actually, you know what? This storyline is even too gay for the term 'mancation.' I'm going to call it a 'broliday.'

True story: I put down the book to type that sentence, and what's the first thing I see when I pick it back up? Danny yelling, "It wasn't that long! Back me up here, Tom!" Yes, Tom. Back him up. Comment on the length of whatever it is Danny's talking about. It should also be noted that Tom's all sweaty and his hair's all matted. From the drive. I'm so sure. Just like those bananas Ben went to get from the kitchen were totally a snack and not at all some sort of aid for his threesome. Which, is that just going on in the corner somewhere? Where did Ben even go?

Isabella talks about the drive from SVU some more, and then stops, "distracted by something in the yard." Oh, there Ben went. Apparently his two women are outdoorsy. Isabella seems smitten by him, and Jessica begrudgingly introduces Ben to Tom and tells him that Elizabeth doesn't know Tom's come down to see her. Ben's like, "Funsies. Now where be my ladies?"

Elizabeth is in town, shopping for a dress to wear on her date with the guy who's not her boyfriend. She picks one out, and the saleswoman takes great delight in telling Liz that she herself has that very dress, and it turned her boyfriend on no end. Too much information. Boundaries much, saleswoman? Apparently this is exactly what Liz wants to hear, because she buys the dress immediately. Then she goes home, puts on a boatload of make-up, and thinks about how this mess is really all Tom's fault for daring to go to Colorado. Yeah, Tom! How dare you spread your wings! This is why we don't listen to John Denver.

Once Elizabeth's all dolled up for her date, she comes back downstairs...only to find Tom standing here. Hahahaha! Tom is like, "Surprise!" and Liz is like, "Fuck." Then the doorbell rings, and there's Ryan Taylor. Hahahaha squared! I have to note that Ryan Taylor has rocked up to his hot rave date wearing "a vintage Hawaiian shirt and shorts," and you know what? I love him all the more for it. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm way more scared of this Ryan Taylor than I ever was of Todd, but I applaud his fashion risk. I'll mock it mercilessly nonetheless, but still. Mad props there, Tony Montana.

Meanwhile, Jessica is standing there, watching the scene gleefully like some kind of maniac. She. Is. Awesome. Ryan Taylor quickly saves face by pretending to be there to pick up Jessica, who is more than happy to play along with whatever Robin Williams over there manages to come up with.

Winston and Wendy are ready for a night of totally being platonic friends only, when that fucking Pedro guy rocks up again. Seriously, Pedro, be gone. I am so not voting for you.

Tom and Elizabeth are walking along the beach in the moonlight. It'd be the most romantic thing ever, were Liz not completely preoccupied thinking about Ryan Taylor. She discovers that it was Jessica's idea to invite Tom down, and instead of thinking, "Wow, what a considerate thing for my sister to do!" she immediately realises that Jessica's a-schemin'.

Nina is on her not-date with Paul. He's decided that the rave is beneath them, so he's got a surprise -- he's talking her on a boat ride! In the middle of the night! To open water! Where no-one can hear her scream! And he wonders why she thinks he's a psycho. Nina is a little hesitant, but then jumps on in anyway. Not long afterwards, the engine dies. Nina's like, "Oh shit, attempted rape alert," and calls Paul out on his creepy ways. She swims for dear life, leaving Paul and his dead engine behind.

The only characters we know at the rave so far are Jessica and Ryan Taylor, she of the spaghetti-strap minidress, he of the Hawaiian shirt. Jessica delights in telling Ryan Taylor that Elizabeth and Tom are just the best couple ever, and Ryan Taylor gets all sad-eyesy. Like you didn't realise it was going to end this way, Quagmire. You knew she had a boyfriend. Jeez. Jessica puts her hand on Ryan Taylor's leg and turns on the ol' charmity-charm. And it works, too. Not even Gods of Beach can resist Jessica Wakefield's come-ons. Unfortunately, Captain Feathersword or Feehan or whatever his name is interrupts the almost-nookie and steals Ryan Taylor away.

Wendy and Pedro go on their date. Pedro tells Wendy that he loves her, and Wendy's chuffed because he's totally her Justin Bieber, or her Jonas Brother, or whatever the kids are into these days. I don't know pop stars that well. I honestly don't care about this storyline like I should, though. I wish I could, because I can imagine it'd be 137 different kinds of awesome having your favourite celebrity fall for you (Mr. DiCaprio, I await your call) but I don't know this Wendy and I find it difficult to care about her. Plus, a Wendy scene is not a Ryan Taylor scene, or even a Ben Mercer scene, and that's really where the good stuff is. Ben Mercer, by the way? Fast becoming my favourite one-off character.

When Wendy returns home, she finds her dog missing. She rushes into awesome Ben's room, where he's not having a threesome, which is actually a little disappointing. Aww. Now whenever we have a Ben scene, I'm going to be annoyed at the lack of group sex going on. You've set the bar too high, Ben Mercer. Ben calls out to Jessica, who I guess is home early from her disastrous date with Baz Luhrmann's Romeo. She goes into the living room, where Ben accuses her of losing Wendy's dog. Because Jessica is a dog-sitter? Wendy can't look after her own damn dog? How is this Jessica's fault? Ben and Jessica start screaming at each other, before Jessica declares that she hates him (Ben, not the dog) and she's hated him from the very first moment she met him. Ben gets all sad and says -- truly, actually, completely seriously says these words -- "Funny...that's when I started loving you." UGH. Ben, those are not words that men who have outdoor banana threesomes should ever say.

Elizabeth, who's standing there not judging anybody, decides that now is a good time to judge somebody. First, she judges Jessica for being awful, and then she realises that she's been just like Jessica -- completely selfish, and unappreciative of Tom's love. No mention there that Elizabeth is far worse than Jessica, who is in fact not in a relationship, didn't cheat on anyone, and can do as she pleases. Liz decides that she had been wrong to fling herself at Ryan, and vows to straighten everything out tomorrow. Then she goes to sleep, because fuck Wendy. Bitch can find her own dog.

Meanwhile, everyone who's still awake yells at Jessica for no reason. Then Liz wakes up, yells at Jessica for being a schemy bitch-monster, then goes back to sleep. Jessica tells Isabella that she's done with the Sweet Valley Shore and wants to leave, so I'm really glad that when I was Photoshopping that more-horrifying-every-time-you-look-at-it picture up there, I made her be Angelina. (Yes, I know their names.)

It's the morning of the Fourth of July, and Nina is pissed that Ryan Taylor hasn't shown up for work yet. She's already had a tough morning dealing with Jessica, who tried to quit and go home. Nina apparently does not work that way, because Jessica's at the lifeguard tower, bemoaning her life yet again and trying to avoid Ben. She's also busy rescuing fake drowners, usually preteen boys who I guess see her as their real-life Pamela Anderson. Marcus, the other lifeguard on watch with her, thinks it's hilarious. Heh. I like you, Marcus. I wish we'd seen more of you.

Nina is becoming increasingly worried about Ryan Taylor, and Elizabeth can't work out why. He's God of Beach, for heaven's sake! What could possibly have happened to him that he didn't see coming? Nina is forced to tell Elizabeth the Tragic Backstory -- last summer, Ryan Taylor, God of Beach, was...wait for it...a bad lifeguard! Nooo! He didn't always come to his shifts! He was late sometimes! Elizabeth is absolutely horrified and refuses to believe that anyone could be so irresponsible, and when Nina tells her that it's because a kid drowned on his watch, she...well, she's not so concerned about that, really. She's like, "Poor Ryan," and then goes back to thinking about how awful his disappearing act is. Just...just no, Elizabeth Wakefield. I don't know at what point in your life you had the humanity knocked completely out of you, but this is appalling behaviour.

Nina reacts to Liz by telling her that maybe seeing her with Tom pushed Ryan Taylor over the edge again. Sensitive, Neens. Liz shoots back that Ryan Taylor knew she had a boyfriend, and way to be judgemental, Miss I-Cheated-On-Bryan-With-Paul. Hey, where is Paul, anyway? Is he still just floating around out in the middle of the ocean on his sad boat? Because that's a little bit funny.

Meanwhile, Jessica is in her watch tower, tending to a man who cut himself on some glass. Evidently, Marcus doesn't like the sight of blood. I imagine him saying this while giving Jessica a note from his mother that reads, "Please excuse Marcus from first aid duty, as he thinks blood is icky." Perfect summer job for you, Marcus. Thankfully, Ben comes to help Jessica out, but she's got the situation pretty much sorted. He begins to respect her as a lifeguard and a person, not just as a pair of boobs or the second slice of bread in one of his famous girl sandwiches. (Girl and banana sandwiches.)

Elizabeth, ever the creative one, has turned her shift at work into a date by inviting Tom to hang out with her in the tower. Because it's not like she can't be a teeny bit distracted during her guarding life shift. I really cannot stress the whole 'guarding life' aspect of these peoples' jobs quite enough. Tom is basically being your average eight-year-old, picking things up and asking Elizabeth what they are. At one point, Liz tells him she can't be turning around every ten seconds to see what he's holding up, but does anyway. It's a fucking whistle. Tom's like, "But I bet it's some special kind of whistle!" Heh. Tom's a comedian. Maybe the parents of the kid who drowns on Liz's watch today could hire him to do stand-up at the wake. Liz suggests that maybe Tom should go hang out with Danny. At the mention of Danny's name, Tom's like, "KTHXBAI" and runs off so fast, he leaves a little Tom-shaped dust cloud behind him. I guess the broliday might be salvageable after all.

Back at Wendy's tower, another lifeguard named Paula spots her dog. Wait, there's a Paul and a Paula in this miniseries? We couldn't come up with any more names, really? Wendy rushes over to the dog, but animal control spots him first. Oh no, the dog catcher! There's a ridiculous scene where Wendy and the dog catcher are both running after the dog, to the tune of the Benny Hill music, one would think.

Hey, Winston's back. He and Hot Dog Howie have organised their second Battle of the Buns on the boardwalk. Of course, the two have them met in secret that morning to choreograph the whole fight. Howie "wins," and the hamburger and the hot dog split the betting pool, and yes, that paragraph happened.

Out of nowhere, a college girl comes past, screaming at Nina to save her friends, who've taken a dinghy out into the water which is now upside down. Nina calls all the lifeguards to the emergency, but alas -- there are six people drowning, and only five lifeguards. Damn that irresponsible Ryan Taylor and his flakiness. Together, they manage to rescue all but two. Nina goes back underwater, tired as hell, when Ryan Taylor shows up out of nowhere and helps her drag the fifth person up, who was "completely unconscious and yet strangely peaceful-looking." Uh-oh. They soon discover that the victim is clutching his girlfriend in his arms. There's this whole big group CPR scene going on, and everyone seems to be fine, even the peaceful-looking unconscious guy who I thought for sure was going to end up being dead.

Also, I love the fact that Ryan Taylor was just there. Just showed up in the middle of the ocean. Merman, maybe?

A little later, Elizabeth and Ryan Taylor talk about the day's events. She asks him where he'd been, and he tells her Atlantis? that someone had stolen the fireworks boat, and it was somehow his job to find it. Elizabeth cries for some reason (won't somebody please think of the fireworks!), and Ryan Taylor takes her in his strong, muscular, Beach-Godly merman arms yet again. This time, Tom comes back from his mini-broliday and sees the two of them. Ryan Taylor's all, "Cough cough, hey man, glad you're here, lots going on, here's your girlfriend back." Tom's like, "Um, okay."

That night, everyone watches the fireworks. Tom and Elizabeth make out for a little while Liz pretends he's Ryan Taylor. Not an exaggeration. She pretends that Tom is Ryan Taylor, and then chastises herself for being so awful. Then Tom, Danny and Isabella leave on another sweaty road trip back to SVU, and Elizabeth wishes Tom hadn't come at all. Elizabeth, I have no words. No words. And I'm a recapper who relies on words, so look what your horrid behaviour has done to me. Liz Wakefield is my kryptonite, or my whatever-renders-Batman-useless. (Bane?)

Oh, and if you're wondering about Jessica, she's joining the Most Uncomfortable Road Trip Ever and high-tailing it back to SVU. Guess Ben doesn't respect her that much after all.

Paul goes to find Nina. He asks her why she's so weird around him, and Nina tells him that he's kind-of a creepy motherfucker sometimes. Paul's like, "I didn't poison the dog, and I didn't cut down that 'no swimming' sign." Nina decides that he's telling the truth, so it's totally okay to cheat on her boyfriend with him now that she knows for sure he's not an attempted puppy-murderer.

A few miles from SVU, Jessica decides that she wants to come back to the Sweet Valley Shore. After taking a bus back, which she hilariously describes as being "slow and malodorous," she gets back to the beach-house and promptly wakes everyone up. She apologises for the terrible things that she did (trying to break up Liz and Ryan Taylor, piking out on all her lifeguard shifts) and even the things she didn't do (losing someone else's dog) and then we get to Ben. Who is standing there in his boxers, probably mid-orgy. She apologises to him, and then suggests that maybe this whole thing has been destiny. Ben says, "I'll show you destiny," and kisses her. Again with the ridiculously corny lines! Ben must be crazy attractive, because the number of notches on this guy's bedpost is wildly disproportionate to his amount of game.

Early next morning, Elizabeth goes to the lifeguard tower to look for Ryan Taylor. Because Ryan Taylor is always there. Being God of Beach and also a merman means that he can never leave. Liz is like, "Kiss me," and Ryan Taylor's like, "Okay," and they do. See kids? This is what not learning your lesson looks like. All the sexy cheating is interrupted by yet another drowning. Dammit, Sweet Valleyans! Can't you guys go one minute without needing your lives saved? They're having a moment up there!

Elizabeth gets to the boy first, pulling him out of the water. The boy is fine, but Ryan Taylor is not. He yells at Elizabeth for A) distracting him with all the kissing, and B) not getting the kid out of the water properly. He runs off, and Elizabeth cries some more. The drowning kid disappears, or spontaneously combusts or something, because when Nina and Wendy rush over there, all they do is make sure Liz is okay.

And damn, people. That's the end of our summer fun adventures for today. Thankfully, the final part has already been recapped, and you know what else? Ryan Taylor returns next summer as well, because Gods of Beach? They live forever.